01x05 - Scammer Clay

[bunniefuu]

[Dying troll noises]

Ha ha!

You should have given your troll
more stamina, angus.

Eh! Arrgh.

Sore loser.

Get me another beer.

Eh-eh.

Winners talk,
losers walk.

Now, go get the beer.

Gimme that!

[Belch]

Nice.

[Belch]

Nice.

Yeah, right.

I wish the couch would just
roll over to the fridge.

Then I would be willing
to reach for the beer,

But the walk and the reach
combo is for poor people.

There's gotta be
an easier way.

Let's see what
we got.

Hold on, angus.

It's not as good
as it looks.

We'd still have to
lean into them.

All right, all right.
We'll get it.

Leaning is good
for the old pelvis,

If you know what I mean.

You got it, bro!

Declined?

What the f*ck
is that sh*t?

Fine. There's plenty
where that came from.

Declined?

Declined?

Declined?! I'll check
the accounts.

You're right, angus.

My accountant's
getting a phone call.

Hey, alan,
what the f*ck?

Clay.

Your accounts have been
frozen by the irs.

There's too much
cooking the books.

Why do you think
I'm in jail?

Jail?

Yes, it's nice.

Waiter!
Another piña colada.

Ahem! Anyway, clay,
you better get a lawyer.

I already have a lawyer.
I'm calling him right now.

Don't bother.
He's right here.

Hey, clay,
you're up a creek,

But if you're
convicted this weekend,

You might still make it
for the luau.

f*ck the luau.
I'm not going to jail,

No matter how great it is.

Well,
you don't have to.

All you have to do
is sell everything,

Get a job like
a normal person,

Or you can come
to the luau.

You useless sons of b*tches!

Like a...normal...person?

Yeah. Domestic.

Yum.

It's a great day here
at cogs and widgets.

Hold, please.

Great day here at cogs and
widgets. Hold, please.

It's a great day here
at cogs and widgets.

Hold, please.



Only 38 more payments,

And we can take it home,
angus!

You can also have the remote
for another $20.

I don't need it.
I like to get up and walk.

It's good for my legs.

[Shudders] ooh...

Gotta get my money back...

Otherwise, I'll have to
buy all-new pants.

Gonna fight the irs.

We're gonna fight 'em.

But we'll need some cash
to tide us over.

Let's go.

Good morning, mama.

How are you doing
today?

Don't taunt me like that.

You know damn well
I don't know how I'm doing!

I'm sure you're fine,
grandma.

Yeah? Well,
what do you know?

You're the son
of an idiot,

And you go to school
for idiots.

Doctor said
you looked all right.

Of course she did.
I happen to look great.

Listen, we won't really
know anything

Until my tests come back.

I don't know.

At my age, you never know
what could go wrong.

I could be rotting from the
inside out for all I know.

Oh, god!

The doctor will make you better,
mama. I know she will.

Hey, grandma,
maybe these will help.

What the hell are those,
vitamins?

No! They're magic beans.

You dunce!
How much were they?

$49.

What?!

You go return them
right now!

I can't. The gypsy
who sold them to me

Flew away
high up into the sky.

All right, angus,
let's find some crap to sell.

Hey, check out those rocks.

They're our ticket
to easy street.

Bag 'em, angus.

Gimme those beans!

Never!

Johnny, mr. Jenkins.

Hey, clay.

Today is your
lucky day.

You're lookin' good.

Mr. Jenkins, I'm straight.

Came here to offer
you and johnny

The chance of a lifetime.

I'm in, I'm in!

I knew we'd be partners
someday, clay.

Well, as much as I would
love to be partners...

With an experienced salesman
such as yourself,

I just can't.

You're too valuable to me as an
employee to be my partner.

Gee whiz. Thanks.

Dougie! Dougie,
don't leave me.

[Panting]
I'm dying!

Butt out, old lady.
I'm runnin' things.

Oh, snap.

Oh, no, you didn't!

Ow!

Aw, come on.

Can you put a price tag
on a person's peace of mind?

No. 'Cause
it's invisible.

Right, assmar.
Peace of mind is invisible.

But this ancient tibetan
healing rock is not.

Which is a good
selling point.

I know,
'cause I'm in sales.

These tibetan healing rocks

Have ancient tibetan
healing powers!

They can heal anything.

You see, guys,
it's like this.

On the one hand,
you got your chi,

In the other hand,
you got your chakras.

And the rocks bring
that sh*t together

And make you feel better.
It's f*ck' mystical.

Wow!

Wow!

It's our duty
to get these rocks

To the people
who need them most...

For the low, low price
of $100 a rock.

Think of it as a public service,
like a garbage man.

Ooh!

Ooh!

How do we know
who to call?

Just call people
in the phone book.

I'm tired of explaining
this sh*t to you guys.

I gotta go out
and find some more rocks.

Johnny,
you're in charge.

[Snarling]

I want all these rocks sold

By the time I get back.

Ok, team. You heard him!

There are sick people out there
who need these rocks!

We're their only hope!

So let's hit the phones
and do some good.

Yeah. Where's
the liquor cabinet?

Whoa, look at that tv!

Lewis, what's up
with the irs?

We're all done here.

And...

And we're gonna
kick back now.

Tell me who the agent is
and where to find him.

Your man
is herb sterly.

You want me
to spell that?

[Sighs] ok. Go

If there's anything
wrong with me,

I'll sue
the tobacco companies.

[Cough cough]

And the pesticide
companies

And the b*stard
who invented french fries.

How could something
so bad for you taste so good?

[Ring]

Don't hello me, doctor.

I'm a dying old lady!

Just give it to me straight.

Huh?

A sexually
transmitted disease?

Chlamydia?

Hallelujah!

I'm gonna live!

Of course, I'm gonna
have to buy new underwear.

What? What are you saying?

Everyone I've had sex with
in the last 6 months?

Jesus christ!
What a humiliation!

[Sighs]

Yeah. I understand,
doctor.

But, uh...you better put
your husband on the phone

And go wash out
your coochie.

This is that rat
herb sterly's house.

Rrr! Rrr!

You're going to get your
chance, little buddy.

Hey, guys, come on in.

I'm just putting up
my christmas decorations



Well, we don't want
to bother you.

We just want
to bribe you.

I'm sorry.

Did you just say you wanted
to bribe me, clay zeeman?

Yes, I did.

One more take,
with feeling, this time.

There was plenty
of feelin' in that last one.

I f*ck' nailed it.

Ha ha. That's all I need...

And I got it
all on tape.

Thanks,
and merry christmas.

Thanks to your case,

I'm the i.r.s employee
of the month.

Hooray!

And a happy new year!

I've never met an
as*h*le cr*pple before.

Usually,
they're so nice.

Dad: it's a tanzanian
healing rock from portland.

Just buy it.

It's $100.
Who can't afford $100?

Well, where are
your parents?

You know where they keep
their credit cards?

Well, check her purse.

Hey, don't make me
come over there.

No, you're fat!

No, you're fat!

No, you're fat!

How's it goin'?

No, you shut up.

No, you shut up!

No, you shut up!
Shut up times a million!

Ohh, damn it!

Infinity.

Shoulda
seen it coming.

Everything ok, dad?

Yeah, I almost had
the little b*stard.

Maybe you should
focus on grownups.

Maybe you should
mind your business.

I been feedin' this family
since before you were born.

Now don't tell me
how to make a buck, son.

Lunch time!

Tibetan healing rocks.
How may I help you?

Well, I was wondering,

Do you guys buy
tibetan healing rocks?

Actually,
we sell them.

Oh, really? How much?

Omar?

How did you
know my name?

It's me,
your best friend.

Quincy?

No...

Armand?

Omar...

Your best friend!

Quincy?

It's me, johnny!

Who?

Omar, what
are you doing?

I'm talking to some
whack job named johnny.

Uh, hello, robert?

It's sylvia.

Oh, yeah, well,

I've been meaning
to call you, too, hon.

How's your movie poster
collection?

Oh. Good.
Great, great, great.

Well, uh, ahem, i, um,

I have something a little
difficult to tell you.

I mean,
it's a little awkward.

Well, um, let's see...

I have what they call
an s.t.d.

[Robert screams]

All right,
stop screaming, ok?!

It was irresponsible,

But you knew I played
the field when we got involved!

Listen, uh, why don't we get
together to talk this out?

I mean, f*ck it,

We're both infected
already, so what the hell?

Let's see, uh, who's next?

Oh, no, I don't wanna
talk to this guy again.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

[Rasps]
hello?

Uh, glug glug?
Is that you?

[Hyperventilates]
I'm so happy you called!

Glug glug miss you.

Oh, god.

Glug glug, listen up,

You're gonna have to
go to the doctor.

[Sobs]
no doctor!

No doctor!

Oh, god, why didn't
I make him wear a condom?

Ecch!

Well, I'll never
go bareback again,

I'll tell ya that one.

[Grunts]

First we cut him off
from the outside world,

Then he'll play ball.

[Whistles]

Aah!

Where'd my ramp go?

Listen, if you ever
want to see that ramp again,

You'll give me
my money back.

Ok, ok, just help me up
and we'll go to my computer.

I hate being all helpless
on the floor like this.

Fine.

Aah!

You're pretty good!

You should join
my wheelchair league.

Ha ha! Thanks again, clay!

Ohh, my nuts!

I feel so much more
independent without that ramp.

This is the happiest week
of my life!

Zippidy doo-dah!

Siamese twins, huh?

Oh, so they're joined
at the neck?

Hmm, that's a tough one

Because I'm not sure if
the healing rock would work.

It might make one of them
disappear.

Well, do you have
a favorite?

Just to be safe,

You better keep
the rock away from her.

Only $100 each.

Darn it.

That rock would've helped
one of those girls out a lot.

Oh, well...

Hello, are you constantly
wishing that rocks

Could heal you
instead of doctors?

What does johnny know
about sales?

He couldn't sell
bananas to a monkey.

Monkeys have money?

Where do they keep it?

You're missin' the point.

Johnny's on a huge
power trip.

Someone's gotta knock him off
his pedestal.

Hey, guys!

Settle down.
We're just takin' a break,

But don't worry, we'll be
hard at work soon, boss.

Well, guess what?

I sold a rock!

And you came here
to throw it

In your old man's face, huh?

No, dad, I didn't--

Omar!

You want some more,
you big-headed freak?!

Mr. Jenkins, no!
I'm not johnny! I'm omar!

Well, get up, omar.
Finish what you started!

Stay down, omar!

p*ssy.

Omar, do you really think
I have a big head?

No, just
a bulbous nose.

Ok, "to whom it may concern,

"Sometimes love has
sticky consequences.

"If your thing
starts to sprout,

"Get it checked out.

Love and kisses,
sylvia jenkins."

Thanks, running tree,

And there's 2 more sacks
on the way.

And I'm--i'm really
sorry, running tree.

Well, at least I know
what's going on now.

We'll smoke him out.

Come on out now, herb.
You lose.

He should have
come out by now.

You're right, angus.

If we k*ll him, we're never
gettin' out of jail.

Mr. Sterly!

Herb: oh, my god.
Poison gas!

[Clay and angus cough]

What are you...
[Coughs]

Doin' out here?

My house was teeming
with giant insects.

I went to get some
bug spray,

But it looks like you guys
did a much more thorough job.

Thank you.

Aah!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Dad, what are we gonna do?

His eye is totally closed!

I don't care
what you do.

I'm gonna go sell some
of these healing rocks.

That's it!

Let's use one of the rocks
to heal omar!

Typical.

My boss steals my idea

And then he acts like
he came up with it.

You're gonna be ok, omar.

Yay!

Here we go, petunia.

Ow! Please,
no more rock on eye!

No more rock on eye!

We're tryin'
to help you.

Stop your
bellyachin'!

Hang in there, omar.

I'm sure the healing powers
of the healing rock

Will be kicking in shortly.

But it really hurts.

That's impossible.

We must not be doin'
it right.

Does this feel better?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Dad, maybe you should stop.

[Whimpers]

Ohh. Oh...

"Use the rock,
stop usin' the rock,"

I am so sick of you
bossin' me around.

Ow!

Oh, my god!

These rocks cause
nothing but pain.

I don't think these are
healing rocks at all.

You're darn tootin'!

So clay had us
selling phony rocks

For $100 apiece?

I knew that kid
had vision.

I can't believe
clay would do that,

But the proof
is in the pudding

That is now omar's
bludgeoned face.

I can't be a part of this,

But I don't want
to let clay down.

What should I do?

I know!

I'll ask my magic beans!

Forget your beans!

I'm in charge now
because I'm the biggest.

I don't care
if it's a scam.

We're gonna sell
these rocks

And we're gonna make
clay proud and suck up to him

'Cause he's rich,
g*dd*mn it,

And that still means
something in this country!

Now, let's go!

Yes, sir!

Uh, yeah.

Now, I need you to tell
all the passengers

Of flight 692--

It was going from denver
to vegas. Yeah.

They all need
to be notified.

H-hang on--

[Sweet tone]
oh, hello, reverend.

You got my message?
Yeah.

Well, you should
clean out the confessional

Just to be safe.
[Chuckles]

I gotta go.

Hello?

I want to send
a telegram.

Dear admiral hawk, stop.

I gave you vd, stop.

Enjoy the north
atlantic, stop.

Well, angus,

Maybe it's time for us
to admit that we're beat.

That herb sterly
is one tough mother.

[Growls]

I guess I'll have
to go to jail.

Huh?

I'll miss you, too,
but we're f*cked.

That herb guy
is slicker than both of us.

[Snarling]

Oh, hello again,
little animal.

What good tidings
do you bring me now?

[Snarls]

Oh, my!

Let's not be hasty.

I may have
something you want,

Or should I say,
something you need.

That's right, angus.

These are the best drugs
in the world

And I get all the good sh*t
from government busts.

[Growls, chuckles]

Not so fast!

You want some,
all you gotta do

Is put your pawprint
on this document.

Come on,
sell your friend out

And these drugs
are yours.

Oh, you're
playing hardball.

Maybe this will help
make up your mind.

[Growls]

[Snarling]

Man:
I'm glad I caught you,
federal agent angus.

This is the president.

We've got a problem
on the moon

And you are the only
backstabbing snitch

Who can handle it.

You're the real superhero,
federal agent angus.

I'm just an idiot
with a cape.

Federal agent angus,

You snitched on flum,
our supreme leader.

The beings of slurn
have sent me to destroy you

And then your stupid
planet earth.

[Snarling]

It does not matter
that flum was guilty--

You still sold him out,
and that's not cool.

Now I will crush you
with this giant rock.

Aaah!
My zurkzees!

Federal agent angus,
I'd ask you to spare my life,

But everyone knows you
sent your best friend

Clay zeeman to jail.

We're barely acquaintances,
but you loved clay zeeman.

[Choked up snarls]

[Snarling]

So, do we
have a deal?

[Snarling]

Nice.

Watch how
a professional salesman

Handles a tough sell.

This is worse
than a tough sell,

It's just wrong!

We're lying to people.

There are 2 very
important lessons here.

[Clears throat]
one, I'm the f*cking
boss now.

And two, if you're
doing a scam,

It's not wrong
if you find someone

Who deserves
to be taken.

Now, watch and learn.

[Telephone rings]

Y'ello?

[Deepens voice]
ahem, hello.

My name is
bill peterson.

Shut up.
Where did you see the ad?

Was it in the billboard,
the radio ads, or word of mouth?

Um, uh...

Uh, it doesn't matter.

Well, here goes--

You got vd, bub.
From me.

Are you the guy
from the car wash?

Well, yes, I was,

And I think
I could help you

With your little
problem.

It's already
helping me with mine.

Yeah, right.

I was skeptical

Yeah, right.

I was skeptical

Just like you,
until I bought

Some ancient tibetan
healing rocks.

They cleaned me
right up.

You don't say.

Yeah.
I don't know about you,

But I worry about
all the millions of diseases

That are out there
just waiting to attack me,

Especially
the older I get.

I know! And they come up
with new diseases every day!

Every day.

I was real worried,

But my healing rocks
really did the trick.

I'm disease-free!

I have to get my hands
on those rocks!

And you can, for the
bargain-basement price

Of $100 a rock.

Well, you can't put a price
on your health!

I'll take 'em!

Thank you, mama--

Oops! I mean,
mrs. Jenkins.

[Grunting]

Hey, knock it off,
you two.

Herb, look what's
coming to video this christmas.

And I get all the good sh*t
from government busts.

And I get all the good sh*t
from government busts.

And I get all the good sh*t
from government busts.

Eat boughs of holly,
you b*stards!

Nice.

Here's to
a crack salesman

And his underlings.

What are you guys
standing around for?

These rocks aren't gonna
deliver themselves.

Now load 'em up
while I do some paperwork.

I don't know
about this, omar.

This seems really dishonest.

The bag is worth more
than the rocks.

Johnny, didn't you learn
anything today?

Your dad
is the boss.

So you're ok
with all this?

Sure! With these rocks

Your grandmother's
not gonna worry

About being sick
all the time.

All hypochondriacs
could use a rock like this.

And didn't clay say

You can't put a price
on peace of mind?

Both: 'cause it's invisible!

I never thought of it
that way, omar.

I guess my dad's heart
really is in the right place.

Oww!

Oww!

You guys trying to steal
my magic rocks?

Hello,

Is this the country
of china? Uh-huh.

Well, I have some
bad news.

Hang on,
I have another call.

Uh, yes, doctor?

What? Wrong schmear?

Wait a minute,
so you're telling me

I'm--i'm totally clean?

[Gasps]
oh, what a relief.

God, you're
a shitty doctor,

And I'm glad I schtupped
your husband.

Yahoo!

[Sighs]
thank god I'm ok.

Oh, it's been
a stressful day.

I could really use
a good pounding.

Johnny: hi, grandma.
We're home!

Yeah, we ran into a delivery
monk on the front lawn

With this special delivery
for you.

Mama, did you
buy something today?

Yeah, this, uh,
shady car wash guy

Wanted to sell me some healing
rocks over the phone,

So I gave him your
credit card number.

Why'd you use
my credit card?

I'm not giving out
my financial information

To some jackass
I had sex with once

And I don't even
remember.

Where do you want
your rocks, boss?

Shove 'em up your a*s.

I'm not
doing that.

Let's go put them out front
with the other rocks.

They'd look pretty
around the tree.

They sure would,
johnny.

They sure would.

Well, angus,
what have we learned today?

For one thing,

We learned that a guy
in a wheelchair

Can be as big a prick
as anybody else.

Another valuable lesson

We can take away
from this experience

Is that being decked
with boughs of holly

Isn't as festive
as it sounds.

Uh-huh.

[Garbles]

And lastly, and maybe
most importantly,

Sometimes you've got
to get off the couch

So you can stay
on the couch.

That's pretty
f*cking deep.

Hmm...

Thank god
I'm rich again.

Let's go get some
hookers and cocaine.

I put a magic bean under
each rock for good luck.

What do you think
will happen?

If I'm not mistaken,

I think little fairies
will hatch out of every bean.

Don't quote me on that,
but I'm pretty sure.

Hey, one of those rocks
is moving!

It's the fairy!

Aaah! Aaaah!

Oh, my gosh.

I forgot that
I sold that rock

And mailed it to some
poor unfortunate soul.

You are unbelievable,
gluggie.

No one hits my spots
like you do. Mmm.

[Slurping and slobbering]

Man: delivery
for mr. Glug glug.

[Horrific scream]

[Glug glug growling]

It's one of those
tibetan healing rocks.

[Growling and slurping]

[British accent]
why, yes, sylvia,
I believe it is.

Now, how about another game
of hide and seek

With the bald
archbishop?