01x06 - Nude Johnny

[bunniefuu]

Paula doesn't need
to wear makeup.

She's super-beautiful
all on her own.

[Gasps]

Oh, hey, johnny.

Uh, hi, paula.

What do you think
of my unibrow?

Oh...i love it.

[Chuckles] thanks.

It makes me feel
wild and free,

Just like salma hayek
in frida,

And that's how I want
to live my life,

Now that I'm taking
an art class

An art class, huh?

Yes. It's fantastic.

We're gonna study
the human form.

I like to draw.

It's not just drawing.

It's losing yourself
in someone else's flesh.

Do you know what that's like,
johnny?

No.

Would you like to know?

Yes, paula.
Yes, I would!

Losing yourself
in someone else's flesh

Is the ultimate
in spiritual arousal.

Do you agree, johnny?

I do!

It will be the cl*max
of my artistic expression.

Do you want to cl*max
with me, johnny?

Yes!

Then, let's do it!

Oh, I'm ready, paula.

[Panting] let's...cl*max!

Ooh...

Johnny,
what are you doing?

If you wanted to be
a nude model,

All you had to do
is say so.

Nude model?

Yeah. It's
perfect timing

Because, actually,
my art class needs one

For this afternoon.

This is something
we can do together.

I can draw you naked,

And you can just
stand there.

Hmm. Great. Uhh.

Ooh...

What's wrong, mama?

It's not something a mother
should discuss with her son.

Good, because I want to watch
some baseball anyway.

♪ Take me out
to the ball game ♪

Fine! I'll tell you.

But don't blame me
if it makes you squirm.

You see, dougie,

Mama likes a good,
deep dickin',

But lately, even a g*ng bang
can't fill the void.

When in the hell
did I lose sight of love?!

Get out of the way,
mama.

Damn it!

Work, damn it! Work!

I'm missin' the game.

You forgot to pay
the cable bill again,

You imbecile.

Yeah, well,
nothing's gonna stop me

From watching
the big game.

Paula: johnny,
we're waiting.

You can take
your clothes off now.

Isn't it more
of a challenge

To draw someone
with their clothes on?

No.

Show us your t*ts!

What's the problem now?

Oh...no problem.

Woman: jeez, there's
nothing to draw.

We're not doing
stick figures here.

[Laughter]

[Takes deep breath]

[Straining] how's this?

Man: boo!

[Laughter]

Ah...the perfect crime.

Man: freeze!
This is the police.

Come down
with your hands up!

Damn it!
You got me.

Whoa! Unh!

h*!

Oh, my god,
it works.

Today's topic,
the singles scene.

How to find
the perfect mate.

Forget the perfect mate.

I found the perfect...
Inmate.

What do you mean?

I used to cruise
the bars,

But I found love
behind them.

You mean, like,
by the dumpster?

No, silly willie,

I mean incarcerated men
make great partners.

They're desperate,
and they have nothing to do,

So they'll pay attention
to whatever you have to say.

You're only
an e-mail away.

E-mail, huh? Hmm.

Man: it's like he just
went swimming.

You're doing great,
johnny.

Woman: hey, johnny,
is mr. Turtle gonna

Come out of his shell today?

No, he's not!

You scared him away.

Woman: hi, dean mchooty.

Hello, class. I'm here to
announce an art competition.

One student's sketch
will be selected

From thousands of entries,

And--and we'll
make a statue out of it,

And erect it in front
of the new art building.

Students: hooray!

Dean mchooty, will you
check mine out first?

Of course, ma'am.

Do you like
what you see?

Yeah. Very much so.

In fact, you've won
the competition.

Consider this
art competition closed.

Students: hooray!

Uh, dear inmate


So, you're lookin'
for a pen pal, huh?

I'll do you one better.

I'll be your girlfriend.

See, I've been
lookin' for love

In all the wrong places,

But the one place
I never looked

Was jail.

Trade in your cellmate
for a soul mate.

Sincerely,
damsel of depressed.

In you go, jenkins.

Fresh meat.

Oh, my god,
you have cable!

That's right, meat,
we do.

I'm harvey.

I'm doug. You know,
I got locked up

For trying
to watch this game.

Yeah, I got locked up
for chopping up 2 guys

Who looked exactly
like you.

Small world, huh, ese?

Why'd you chop 'em up?

So they'd fit
in the bag.

Makes sense.

How'd you get all these
space-age gadgets?

Pen pals, baby.
Pen pals.

I write to lonely women,
and whenever I get r*ped,

They feel sorry for me,
and send me money.

Oh, boy. I hope
I get r*ped.

It's not as fun
as it sounds,

But it sure pays.

Maybe I should get
a pen pal.

Here, guero,
you can have this one.

I got too many anyway.

I don't have enough time
to make shanks no more.

Thanks. Well,
let's see.

Here's one
from damsel of depressed.

You poor bird,

You're about to be
swept off your feet.

How do you spell "wiener"?

Hey, johnny.

Oh, hi, paula.

You made a fantastic
nude model.

Thanks.

Guess what.

Dean mchooty saw
my sketch of you

And decided to turn it
into a statue.

What?!

[Crash]

Are you f*cking crazy?!

Johnny, aren't you
happy for me?

It's going up in front
of the art building.

It's a real honor
for me.

But everyone's
going to see it.

Exactly.

My sketch will go down
in coconut college history.

Yippee! [Giggles]

♪ Shake my thing ♪

♪ Ba na na na na na ♪

♪ Shake my thing, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause you know I can ♪

♪ I'm gonna shake it ♪

♪ Shake it ♪

♪ Shake my thing,
'cause I can ♪

♪ Yes, you can,
yes, I can ♪

This can't be happening
to me.

I'm such a good boy.

Ohh, I have to go
to the bathroom.

"And that is why
I need the tivo,

"Because there are so many
games on at the same time,

"And I need
to watch 'em.

Plus, like you, I'm also tired
of meaningless sex."

Wow, this guy
really understands me.

"I want to love someone."

Me, too,


Me, too!
Hee hee.

"So, what do you say
we take this

To the next level?"

Oh, yeah.

I sowed my wild oats,
and I wanna be...

Mona--monon-a-gon-on-ga...

Monogagamus? Maga--

Monogamous. f*ck!

"Attached is a picture of me
workin' out in the yard

"With a friend.

"That's me on the bottom.

"Please send me a photo
of yourself, and a check.

"And remember, the playoffs
are comin'.

"Affectionately,


"P.s. I'm fallin' for you,

So you can
call me harvey now."

Ooh! He's falling for me.

Ok, now, let's check out
the photo.

Oh, my god, what a stud!

f*ck you, world.

You don't understand
my generation!

[Angus shouting
incoherently]

Oh, hey, johnny.

We were just playing
unruly rock stars.

Grab a guitar.

[Sobbing]

What's wrong?
You want to play bass?

They're gonna erect
a naked statue of me

At coconut college.

[Laughing]

Exactly.

Everyone's gonna
laugh at me.

Everyone laughs at you
anyway.

I thought you'd be
used to it by now.

This is different.
I'm naked.

People will laugh
at my pee-pee.

Until you start
calling it a d*ck,

No one's gonna
respect you.

I've gotta stop that statue
from being erected.

Please help me.

Well, I haven't
vandalized anything

For some time now.

I don't know. Angus,
what do you think?

Are you up for destroying
some university property?

I'd say
that's a yes.

[Cynical laugh]

"Dear harvey, thank you
for your e-mail.

"By the looks
of your photo,

"It looks like jail
agrees with you.

"I will remain chaste
until your release.

Salutations,
handmaiden of happiness."

Listen to that.
She changed her name.

"P.s. I've attached
a photo of myself.

Hope you like
what you see."

Wow, what a hot
young babe.

Yeah, she'll put some
cheese on your meatballs.

You know, when I first
started this thing,

It was about free money,

But over the course
of this afternoon,

I've learned that sometimes
you can fall in love

With people who give you
free money.

coño, sounds like
being a pen pal

Gives you
as much pleasure

As shankin' people
gives me.

Ow! I've been
shanked!

Harvey!

Ok, let's go
over this plan

One more time.

Johnny, angus, and I
will go f*ck up the statue--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What statue?

Jesus christ!

We've been over this,
like, a million times!

Well, why don't we just
put clothes on the statue?

It would be fun,
like dressing up dolls.

Here's the new,
simplified plan, omar.

You sit here and do nothing
until we get back.

Oh, sure, simple
for you, maybe.

Computer:
you've got prison mail!

He wrote me back.

Oh...

"My love for you grows
stronger by the hour.

"You and the possibility
of a colorado championship

Are the only things
keeping me alive."

Dude says
all the right things.

"Life in prison
is hard,

"Although there is a lot
of beautiful man-love.

"Especially sunday nights
after q*eer as folk.

And did I mention
I don't have tivo?"

My poor baby.

No one in america
should miss their shows.

[Sexy young voice]
"I long for the day that
we can consummate our love...

[Normal harsh voice]
"but for now I'll just
have to settle

"For stirring up
my own pot

[Sexy young voice]
as I look at your
beautiful picture."

Aw. Guess what, harvey.

She masturbates
to my picture.

She shouldn't have
to do that, man.

Why don't you set up
a conjugal visit,

And show her what you
learned in the yard?

I'm not gonna have
to beat her up first, am i?

No, man, they give you
a room and sh*t.

Man, jail just keeps getting
better and better.

I never want to leave.
Hey harvey,

How long you in for?



You lucky b*stard.

I should have
chopped someone up.

[Humming]

[Humming]

[Yawns, sighs,
whistles]

He's gone.
There's the statue.

Clay:
angus, get that torch
away from my butthole!

What's goin' on
underneath that tarp?

Aah!

Aah-ha-haaaaa!

Aah! Aah!

[Insane w*r cry]

Whee!

Omar, start
the f*ck' car!

I'm a genius.

Unlock the door!

Let us in!

[Guard screaming]

Hurry, omar!

Hang on. I think
I've got it.

[Guard screaming]

Got it.

"Conjugal visit."

Mm-hmm, I like it a lot.

I'm finally gonna
make love to someone

Who really cares about me.

Not just blow strangers.

"Dear mr. Frisky whiskers,

"I would love
to conjugate with you.

"I sent you a pie
with a special filling.

[Chuckles]
"oh, I can't wait to taste
your special filling.

Love, impishly impatient."

Hey, you know what
"special filling" means?

It's code.
Code for apple.

My god,
this isn't apple.

It's my favorite
cigars!

Damn it, my code's
all screwed up.

Where's my prison pie
decoder ring?

I loaned it
to jimmy two pies.

Oh, well,
that's ok, then.

Jimmy two pies
needs it more than I do.

Want a cigar?

claro.

My shithead son
won't even miss these.

When harvey moves in,

I think he'll be a good
role model for dougie.

You know,
straighten him out.

This is all
your fault, johnny.

Your friend blowmar
blew our whole plan.

Well, you're the one
who told him

To start the car.

And you're the one
who looks pathetic naked.

Whose fault is that?

Doug: home run!

Hey, there's my dad.

Hi, daddy!

Prisoner: who's
your daddy, b*tch?!

Hey, son. I knew
you'd end up in jail

'Cause you're a loser!

Johnny, he's
calling you out.

He's trying
to punk you.

Don't let him do it.

You can't show
any weakness in jail.

But he'll k*ll me.

How? He's behind bars.

Ok. I'll try.

♪ You look stupid ♪

Heh heh heh.
Hey, daddy,

You look stupid!
[Prisoners laughing]

Johnny,
you're dead meat!

Guard, open up.

I want to give my son
a beating!

I was just
joking, dad.

Hey, if you back down now,
you'll always be his b*tch.

Take it further.

If you say so.

Drinking a pint
of scotch every night

Doesn't mean
you're not a failure!

The hell it doesn't!

g*dd*mn it,
I need a drink.

It's not gonna work
this time, dad.

There's no scotch
in jail!

Actually, there's
a very fine selection.

[Slurring words]
johnny, what are you
doin' here?

You come
to visit me, son?

Aw, that's my boy.

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, dad.

Thank you, johnny.

Thank you for being
my boy.

[Sniffles]

Hey, your son has got
quite a nose on him, huh?

I think both of my nuts
would fit perfect--

Who's there?!

[Ringing]

Well, today's
the big day!

I ain't never done it
in a prison.

You ready down there?

Oh, well, I'll oil up
before I go.

Time to change
my underwear...

Put on the sexy stuff
for my harvey.

[Sniffing]

These can go back
in the drawer.

sh*t, these are
all diapers!

[Laughing]

Yeah...heh heh heh.

Oh, man,
this insipid, derivative

Slapdash assemblage
of discordant hues

And perspectives, man,
is an insult to the eyes,

And a laxative
to the soul.

I pooh-pooh this mural.

Clay:
looks like he'll be out
for a while.

Yeah...

What's wrong now?

I just wish I could
talk to omar--

Tell him to
destroy the statue

Before the unveiling.

Knock yourself out.

Oh, thanks, clay!

[Telephone rings]

Hey, omar.
Hi, johnny. How's jail?

Never mind.
I need you

To go destroy
the statue.

I don't know.

I don't know how
to destroy.

I'm all about
love.

Word. But do it
for me.

Just pretend you're
the corona brothers

And the statue is you.

Oh, like, beat it up?

Yes!

All right, johnny,
I'll get on it

As soon as I
figure out where I am.

I'm a little turned around
at the moment.

[Crash]

It's all taken care of.

Whew.
What a relief.

Now I can just
sit back, relax,

And enjoy my sentence.

Jenkins, you got
a visitor.

You got this?

Uh, certainly.
Right this way.

Uh, this is for your great,
great granddaughter, right?

No, missy,
it's for me!

[Giggles, sighs]

Oh, you're one of those
crazy old ladies

Who thinks they're young
and sh*t, right?

Just gimme that!

The corona brothers, huh?

"Omar, you dumbshit,

"I'm gonna kick your a*s
every day!

"I'm gonna saw your head off
until it falls off!

How do you like that?!"

I'm one sexy mama!

Oh, my god!

Your bra strap's
gonna blow!

It's not a load-bearing bra!

Ow!

sh*t, it never
hit the ground before.

Uh, a little help?

Fine! I'll go get
the stock boys,

You sloppy old
crazy b*tch!

Oh!

Hi, paula.

Johnny, they told me
you tried

To deface my statue,

But I didn't believe them.

Tell me it's not true.

Would it really be
so bad if I did?

Well, I don't know.

Is it so bad getting
stabbed in the back

By your best friend?

Is that so bad?!
You tell me.

We weren't successful.

Your statue's fine.

Why did you want
to ruin it anyway?

You don't think
I'm a good artist?

Is that it?

Of course not.
[Sobs]

I was embarrassed
to be naked.

Don't lie to me.

When you got
that erection

At the thought
of modeling nude,

You told the world
how much you wanted it.

You're a big fat liar,
johnny jenkins!

Clay, give me your phone.

I've gotta stop omar
from defacing the statue.

Knock yourself out.

Omar!
Oh, hey, johnny.

Did you deface
that statue yet?

I'm almost done.

I'm defacing it
as we speak, my friend.

It's very important
that you listen

To my next sentence,
omar?

Aah! I've been shanked!

Ha ha!

That'll teach you to
call your old man stupid!

Darn it! Now paula's
never gonna forgive me.

You guys are free
to go.

But why?

Well, the maximum sentence

For getting caught
under a tarp

Is 4 hours
in the state penitentiary.

You paid your debt
to society.

This is great!

We could still get to
the unveiling in time

To stop omar.

Guard: you're free
to go, too.

In fact, you were supposed
to leave 2 days ago.

Stealing cable is
only a 2-day stint.

We owe you
a 2-day crime.

I don't wanna go.

You guys have got
the sports package.

I'll miss all the games.

How much would arguing
with the guard get me?

An extra couple
of days.

No, it won't.
Yes, it will.

No, it won't.
That's it.
Back you go.

Thanks.
I will note
that "thanks."

Shave some time
off your sentence.
Damn it!

Home run!

Hey, harvey,
your conjugal's here.

Ooh, that's mine.

You guys are swappig
conjugals now?

Aw, that's cute.

Dean mchooty:
insult to the eyes,

And a laxative
to the soul.

I pooh-pooh this mural.

Grr...

This is your room.

Harvey will be here
in a minute.

Fantastic!

I'll just turn off
the lights for you.

Maybe you'll have
a better shot.

Eat sh*t, turnkey.

[Chuckling cynically]

Mchooty: hey, it's
the vandalizer.

Your crop circle sucks,
f*ck face!

[Chattering angrily]

Don't get excited...

[Holding breath]
have some of that.

[Bell rings]

In this corner,

The sire of second guesses,

The knight of neediness,

The pharaoh of fear,

Uncertain angus!

[Frightened groans]

And in the corner
to my left,

The monarch
of middle fingers,

The duke of
don't give a sh*t,

The baron of ba*ls,

c*ck angus!

[Grunts]

All right, now,
I want a clean fight.

[Both grunting,
chattering]

Angus, don't let him
undermine you.

It's not important
what other people think,

Especially that lardass
dean mchooty.

Take it from me,
when I was 4 years old,

I couldn't even dunk
a basketball,

But I kept trying.

By the time
I was 6,

I was doin'
windmills over guys

Three times
my size.

If he gets anywhere
near your belt,

You fall down in pain.

They'll take a point
away from him.

The most important thing is that
you come away with a win,

No matter how cheap
the victory is.

Pull your trunks
up higher!

A point's a point.

What kind of ferret
to you want to be?

An a*s kicker
or a p*ssy?

[Both groaning]

Unh!

Come on, angus,
f*ck him up!

[Groans]

[Straining]

I never knew
the corona brothers

Had it so tough.

Sawing my head off
is hard work.

I should send those guys
a muffin basket.

Omar?

Hold on.
I'm almost done.

There you go, johnny.

I did it.
I saved the day!

Nice.

Johnny, let's go.

You don't want to be here
when the statue is unveiled.

The laughter
will be deafening.

But I want to be here

To share paula's
big moment with her.

Ok. If we stay,
you better brace yourself.

Mchooty: welcome, everyone,
to the unveiling

Of coconut college's
first statue

Designed by
our very own freshman

Paula wisconsin.

[Applause]

And now for the unveiling.

[All gasp]

[Cheering]

It's resplendent, man.

A triumph
of the human spirit.

I mean,
it completely transcends

That crap sketch
of paula's.

Ta-da!

That's not my face.
I'm saved.

Johnny, I understand
everything now.

You weren't trying
to deface it.

You were trying
to improve it.

You're a real artist.

You deserve this.

We're both salma hayek now--

Wild and free!

Go get 'em, jenkins.

I'm comin'
for you, baby!

[Passionate moaning,
kissing, grunting]

Doug: something tastes unholy.

Grandma: dougie?

Mama?

Aah!
Aah!

You're not harvey.

And you're not
a lingerie model!

This was just
a crazy mix-up.

But, mama,
we were...kissing.

Yeah, well, I'm sure
your mouth has been

A lot worse places.

I know mine has.

That was quick.

You even get your pickle
into her jar?

No...it was my mama.

That's hot.