01x08 - Spaceballs of the Caribbean

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

-[hammering] -[whirring]

[singing] ♪ I know the secret ♪

♪ The extremely useful secret ♪

♪ Of how to take away ♪

♪ Yogurt's power Of the Schwartz ♪

Hey, shut that kid up!

And while you're at it, hang him!

Okay, ladies,

[chuckling] I'm ready.

[all giggling]

Where are your costumes? This is Fantasy Friday.

The Lord Admiral and the three saucy wenches.

We didn't get any costumes.

Ooh, that imbecile Dark Helmet

was supposed to have delivered them by now!

[in a high-pitched voice] So, I told her there's no way

I'd let a man treat me like that,

unless he bought me dinner.

[giggling]

Sir, we're nearing Planet Moron.

[stammers, in normal voice] Sandurz, didn't I tell you to knock

when I'm doing, [stammers] uh, wig research?

Actually, you never did. You never did. Uh...

Would you like me to repack these wigs, sir?

Yes, I would! Uh, wait a minute.

You're done.

You're done.

[dryer whirring]

You got minutes, honey.

All right. You ready to rob Helmet's ship?

Arrr! I be ready, matey!

What are you supposed to be?

I'm in disguise.

As what, a gypsy girl?

No, a pirate.

So, to hide the fact that you're pirating a ship,

you've disguised yourself as a pirate? Brilliant.

Er, thank you, matey.

You know something? [clicks tongue]

I get the feeling they're gonna know it's you.

Not when I add the pirate walk.

Ooh.

Okay. I'm sticking with gypsy girl.

[engine whirring]

[brakes screech]

[Barf grunts softly]

[exclaiming] Whoa!

[grunts in pain, groaning]

Okay, that's the last of it.

You know, you'd think there'd be more cargo

on a ship this size.

Yeah, and someone to guard it.

Aw, nice going.

-[grunts] -[lasers firing]

[grunting]

-[Barf growls] -[all grunting]

Wow! Impressive.

Thanks. This disguise inspires me.

I think it's the eyeliner.

-[gasps] -[Dark Helmet] Not so fast, Lone Starr and...

And gypsy girl?

Not gypsy, pirate.

Oh?

What's your name, pirate girl?

Black Barf.

Sounds like what happened after I ate too much licorice.

[Dark Helmet yelling]

-[grunts] -[Dark Helmet yelling]

[both grunting]

[grunting continues]

-[Lone Starr grunts] -[laughing]

I'm winning! I'm winning!

[Dark Helmet grunts]

-[grunting continues] -Yogurt, I need you!

[Yogurt] Never fails!

Never fails I settle in for a nice schvitz,

and Lone Starr calls.

I could use a little boost of extra Schwartz here.

Okay, Loney, baby, you've got it!

[energy pulsating]

[metal clanking]

Cheater!

Ha-ha! Thanks!

Don't mention it.

[snickers] See ya later, loser.

Oh, and tell your boss to order more stuff next time.

With the cost of gas, I'm barely breaking even on this.

-[machine whirring] -[hammering]

But then Yogurt gave him more Schwartz. Ugh!

It was totally unfair!

Oh, that damn Schwartz!

I'm sick of Yogurt always butting in with that damn Schwartz!

If only there were some secret way to remove Yogurt's Schwartz.

Say that again,

only in a much higher register.

[in a high-pitched voice] If only there were some secret way to...

You there! You there, boy,

-the one who's about to be hanged... -Me, sir?

Yes, of course.

How many boys are there going to be hanged today, anyway?

Uh, .

Twenty-three? Wow, I still got it.

Listen, kid, do you really know how to take away Yogurt's Schwartz power?

Oh, yes, sir. It came to me in a dream.

I tried to go tell Yogurt about it, but he...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can... you can tell me.

I mean, if you tell me, uh...

maybe I won't have you hanged.

Well, in my dream,

it came to me in a song.

So I can only remember it if I sing it.

[Skroob] Sing it! Sing it!

[singing] ♪ Yogurt's power of Schwartz ♪

♪ Lies in... Lies in... ♪

♪ Lies in... ♪

Lies in what?

♪ His gallbladder ♪

Gallbladder. Gallbladder.

Thank you. Just beat the sh*t out of him

and throw him in the dungeon.

Wow! If we remove Yogurt's gallbladder,

we can control all the Schwartz of the galaxy!

Perfect, sir!

I have just one question.

-What? -Why are you dressed like that?

Well, it's a matter of budget.

It seems we can only afford one costume per episode.

[baroque music plays]

[seagulls screeching]

[wood creaking]

Dresses! Get your fancy dresses!

Powdered wigs, beauty marks, suitable for historical reenactments,

masquerade ba*ls, or elaborate bedroom fantasies...

And that's when the kraken swallowed me whole

and dragged me down to Davy Jones' Locker.

Then how'd you come back from the dead?

I don't know. I never understood that part.

-Give me another drink! -Uh, I'm cuttin' you off.

I'll cut you off!

Why did you pick this place?

-It's nearly empty, nobody's buying anything... -[slurping]

...and the service is middling at best.

But the theme matches my outfit, savvy.

So what?

So, people love me here.

They've been buying me rum all night.

Who bought you rum?

Well, there was this one bloke with, you know, with a laundry cart.

-That was me, dummy! -Oh! Bless you, kind sir!

-[laughs sheepishly] -Look, we're not here to drink.

We're here to make money so we can pay back...

Vespa!

Yeah, hi!

Listen, Lone Starr, when I loaned you the money

to pay me back the money that you owed me,

I expected to be paid.

You'll get your money, and your money.

Um, you wouldn't wanna take it in trade, would ya?

[squawking]

[squawks intensely, thudding]

This is the big scheme I financed?

Selling wigs with dead birds?

No, this is just one small part

of our entrepreneurial venture that...

Yeah, we're pirates now.

-Pirates? -We live by the pirate code.

Take what you want, give nothing back,

unless you have a receipt, but only store credit. Join us.

[chuckling] Oh, no, no. He doesn't know what he's saying.

-He's hammered. -Oh, I'll join you.

In fact, I'm not letting you out of my sight until you pay me back.

A woman on my ship? Never!

You just invited me.

Oh, then... Welcome abroad.

[hiccups]

[thudding]

Jury duty.

Ewok removal service.

Silent auction and pot luck at Temple Cave Shalom.

What a bunch of junk.

Wait a minute. What's this?

Hey! Free body scan.

My disability check come?

Better! Listen to this!

"You are hereby invited to take advantage of our gift to you,

a complimentary, no-cost, full-body scan, free of charge."

[snorts] How much?

It's free, Yente!

They said it five different ways.

How many times they gotta spell it out for you?

Nothing's free in this galaxy.

I got news for you, this is!

Um, you're gonna get a full-body scan?

You, who won't even go to Dr. Kaminski?

Dr. Kaminski probes you.

Scanning is a very different thing from a probing.

A scan I can handle, a probe, mmm, not so much.

I smell a rat.

More like a full-body scam.

So suspicious, this one.

Where do you have to go?

You go nowhere, they come right to your house.

I'm not makin' coffee.

Who asked you?

It says here, "Completely free."

-Absolutely, Mr. Yogurt. -All right.

[squeak]

h*-h*-h*. Hold it, hold it. Keep your robe on.

There's no need to undress.

This thing can see right through your skin.

What, you think it can't see through that crappy old bathrobe of yours?

Wait a minute. You oughta work on your bedside manner, pal.

And would it k*ll you to get a haircut, hippie?

Hey, what the hell is this, a knock-out juice?

This is just a scan.

Actually, we need your body to be as still as possible,

so the pictures don't come out all fuzzy.

All right, already. Enough with the medical mumbo jumbo.

Do it! Just do it!

-[gas hissing] -[thudding]

-[hissing stops] -Start it up.

[machine humming]

[machine whirring]

[chuckles] Ha! There's the gallbladder.

Looks healthy. Good for him!

Should I wake him now?

No, no! We're stealing it.

But that's stealing.

Just press the "Remove gallbladder button."

-[whirring] -[suctioning]

[suctioning]

[machine buzzes]

-[bell dings] -[machine powering down]

[exultantly] Ha-ha.

The gallbladder is mine at last!

[laughing wickedly]

You only found out about it, like, yesterday, Skrooby.

Shut up and bring me the chest.

-[zip rasps] -[giggling]

Not your chest, the treasure chest.

We'll save those for later.

-What about the leprechaun? -Wake him up.

[machine humming, stops]

Ah. Thank God you woke me.

I was stuck in a long, tedious dream

about a pirate ship at the world's end.

I couldn't make heads or tails of it.

Of course, I did miss the first two dreams.

Get it?

The scan's complete.

You have the body of a man half your age.

That's still about years old,

so I don't know if it's such good news.

Here are your results.

Don't open them until you get home.

Well, why can't I...

And for being such a good little leprechaun,

here's a lollipop!

[Yogurt] Thank you, nice lady.

[Dark Helmet] So, that's Yogurt's gallbladder.

[chuckles] It ain't his funny bone.

We tried to take that, too, but a buzzer went off and his nose lit up.

This is fantastic!

Now I've got all the Schwartz.

I'm gonna kick some serious a*s.

Oh! [chuckles] I'll be unstoppable!

Really?

[laughing menacingly]

-[footsteps thumping] -[screaming]

[gasps]

So, what do you think?

Pokey-pokey or smashy-smashy?

Well, I always like smashy-sma...

Whoa, whoa, wait!

If you destroy the gallbladder,

I'll lose my evil Schwartz power!

Really? Too bad.

Anyway, smashy-smashy it is.

[gasps] No!

Put the gallbladder down.

[exclaims nervously] Never!

[glass shattering]

[Soprano] ♪ Yo-h*-h*, he ran away ♪

♪ Clutching The treasure chest ♪

Didn't I say beat that kid senseless and throw him in a dungeon?

Doesn't anybody listen?

Oy, I don't feel so good.

There's a great disturbance in the abdominal region.

I told you, Yogi,

not to have that second bowl of cabbage soup.

This has nothing to do with nourishment.

Okay, what does it have to do with, then?

How should I know? What am I, a doctor?

Well, what does your fancy-schmancy body scan say?

Let's give it a look-see.

"Dear dope.

That wasn't just a free body scan,

more like a body scam."

Oh. Puh, puh, puh, I knew it.

[continues reading] "That pain in your abdominal region

is the empty space where your gallbladder used to be."

Ah, big deal. You don't need a gallbladder.

This way, you won't get gall stones.

Everybody wins.

[Yogurt] "Your gallbladder, by the way,

was the source of all your Schwartz.

Now you don't have any.

Ha-ha. Signed, President Skroob."

Your Schwartz came from your gallbladder?

-Who knew? -I didn't.

How did Skroob know that?

Maybe it says in the note.

"P.S. I learned the whole gallbladder thing from our boy, Soprano."

That one who came caroling last winter?

Oy, I should have listened to that little pisher.

I told you there was nothing wrong

with a kid singing at the door...

Okay, okay!

But you said, [mimicking Yogurt] "Outta here with your childish nonsense."

All right already.

-And then you turned the hose on him. -Please, enough.

Hey, maybe that Skroob is lying

about you not having your Schwartz.

Here. Block this!

Ow!

-[pan clanking] -[gasps]

Nope.

Nope. No Schwartz.

Well, at least you still got your health.

I don't know. I feel like that body scan

might've had some side effects.

For example?

[tentacles squirming]

Oh, I see what you mean.

[squirming continues]

[Barf] How do you like our ship's new look, Captain?

[Lone Starr] I hate it, and don't call me "Captain".

This whole stupid pirate thing has gone far enough.

But I got you your own pirate costume!

Uh, complete with peg leg, eye patch,

and a head scarf soaked in scurvy.

Barf, nothing is going to make me dress up like a pirate.

[Vespa] Lone Starr,

why haven't you changed?

I thought we were wearing pirate outfits.

[chuckles nervously] And that we are!

Barf, give me that costume.

Eh, I'm busy doing a little touch-up, savvy?

Why don't you just use the Schwartz?

[sighing] Uh, fine.

-[engine sputters, failing] -Huh?

What's the matter?

My Schwartz isn't working.

There just doesn't seem to be any.

This is terrible!

I know! Without my Schwartz...

No! I mean Barf's hogging all my eyeliner.

Frankly, it looks better on me, sweetie.

[clicks tongue, scoffs] b*tch.

I gotta tell Yogurt.

I know. I'll summon him with my Schwartz.

-Oh... -Just call him.

[phone line buzzing]

[dialing, phone line ringing]

Yogurt? I...

What? Skroob...

Scan? Gallbladder.

-Right. -[receiver clatters]

You will never guess what happened!

Skroob scammed Yogurt with a fake body scan

and stole his gallbladder, thereby gaining control of the Schwartz?

[stammers] Yeah.

I knew it!

We gotta get that gallbladder back. Let's go!

Just as soon as I attach our new figurehead.

[steam hisses]

[Dark Helmet] Don't worry, Gally.

I won't let anybody smash you.

Where we're going, they'll never think to look for us.

Shipwreck Planet!

Uh, hey, put on your seatbelt.

Set a course for Shipwreck Planet.

Why are we going there?

Because that idiot always goes there when he's pouting.

[whooshes]

[whooshing]

Isn't that Skroob's ship?

[in pirate accent] Aye, we'll follow him

till the ends of the earth if need be,

so's I can finally free my father, Bootstrap Starr.

What are you talking about?

[in normal voice, stammers] I have no idea.

I... I think the fumes from the beard glue are affecting my brain.

Just... just lay back and enjoy the ride, matey.

[grunts, thuds]

Daddy? Is that you?

Why do you have a computer stuck in your face?

Oh, my God! He's part of the ship!

All right, Gluebeard, move over.

[Lone Starr grunts, thuds]

[whooshes]

There she is, Gally.

Shipwreck Planet!

You'll be safe here.

No one's ever been hurt on Shipwreck Planet.

[spaceship descending]

[engine powering down]

[thudding]

[Skroob] He's landed. Ha!

Just like I knew he would.

The immaterial has become... immaterial.

What does that mean, Skrooby?

Well, that simply means that the non-material stuff

has coalesced into the star-vapor of...

I believe it means the supernatural has become irrelevant,

thus playing on two meanings of the word "immaterial."

You know, some men get turned on by brainy talk.

I don't, so shut up!

Prepare to crash land! [gasps]

[loud crashing]

[engine whirring]

Come on, Gally. I'll show you the totally cool fort I built.

[chuckling] Pretty awesome, huh?

Okay, I'm gonna put you where no one will ever find you, Gally.

I thought about hiding you in Dead Man's Chest,

but Ruthie Deadman wouldn't let me touch her chest in high school,

so I doubt that she'd let me do it now.

[Skroob laughing maliciously]

-[Lone Starr] Hold it right there, Skroob! -[gasps]

Lone Starr, you fool!

I almost had the gallbladder!

[in a pirate's accent] Hand it over, Helmet.

Savvy?

Don't think so.

You'll never defeat me now, Lone Starr!

I have all the Schwartz!

And just what are you gonna do with it?

To start with, this!

[laughing menacingly]

[roaring maniacally]

Wow! My imagination was right on.

[laughing menacingly]

-[clank] -Ugh.

[heavy thudding]

Look! It's Squidward.

I think somebody's razor broke.

I thought it was against his religion to eat shellfish.

Yogurt!

Without your Schwartz,

there's no way you can beat me!

By myself, no,

-but with mein friends... -[hiccupping]

Probably not.

Still, give it a shot. Couldn't hurt.

[tentacles swishing]

Come on, let's get him!

Ah-ha, got it!

Skroob, wait! If you destroy mein gallbladder,

you'll have to take my place.

[Yente, echoing] Yogurt!

With her!

How much longer will this take?

I got an appointment for a wash and a set already.

I'm so sick of waiting around for you

while you and your stupid friends play your stupid pirate games and...

-[hammer thuds] -There you go. She's all yours.

[screaming]

[grunting]

Oh, uh... Dang it. [sighs]

Well, it looks like old Captain Black Barf has once again saved the day.

[chuckles] It's time for this salty mawg... to sail on.

Where are you going?

I got a coupon for a free body scan. [laughs]

[burping]

[theme music playing]