02x01 - Deathbowl '99

[bunniefuu]

Gentlemen and Death Match fans

across the world assume crash

positions. Let's get ready

to adapt.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Death Bowl



world's biggest, most brutal sporting

event. I'm Jenny Gomez. And I'm Nick

Diamond. You know, Johnny, Death Ball

comes only once a year, and we've got

some incredible presence. Wrapped up

under the Death Match tree make. Every

death match is big, but the Deadpool is.

There's just no other way to say it. Even

bigger. People talk about the Super Bowl,

the X Games, the Olympics, but when you

talk about premiere celebrity violence,

you're talking Death Bowl. This one's got

everything. So cut the phone card. Smash

the remote. And put away any sharp

objects. This is Death Ball 99. I Can't

Sing enough about our first fight since

the dawn of man. Scholars have been

debating which is better, the assets of

Jennifer Lopez or the endowments of Dolly

Parton. It's a puzzler, Johnny, but we've

got 2 fighters who are spoiling to settle

it. Big buttock movie. Alright, Jennifer

Lopez is going to mix it up with large

breasted country legend Dolly Parton, and

you can't talk about breast without

mentioning Madonna. In a rare sports

appearance, she's going to give us a

halftime show worthy of the Death Bowl.

And when you talk about our main event,

you use words like violence, spectacle,

and bitter rivalry. The great champions,



Tyson and Evander, The real deal

Holyfield go fist to fist for the very

last time. A big fist fight could only be

settled the death match way. But let's

get back to our first bounce. There's a

lot of fierce supporters on both sides of

this equation. I wouldn't want to be

working security tonight. Is a tinderbox

down there? I tell you, those breast

heads and acids really know how to work

up a crowd. Nick, what can you say

about breast or buttocks that hasn't been

said 1000 times before? That's why we're

honored to be joined by one of the

world's foremost experts on the subject,

America's leading sexologist, Dr. Ruth

Westheimer. Each firm buttocks

like Jennifer's can legally keep sex

alive in a marriage, but body parts like

these don't just happen. Both prowlers

have trained long and hard to get here.

Let's take a look at how they got their

TV's and A's in top fighting condition.



I just can't do it. You are the sorriest

astray any I've ever seen. I don't even

think you want a big *****. I don't even

think you deserve a big asss. Do you want

a big asss Lopez? Do you have a big

asss? Yes. Now what are you going to do

with that big *****?

Ohh yes wow I can't believe I

did it. I just want to thank

you for everything you've done for me.

I'll never forget you.

Lopez, take your big ***** to

the showers. Those are certainly some

of the most terrific bliss in

buttocks I've ever seen. Which allows

you more Nick Dolly's large chest

or Jennifer's tremendous behind? Well,

I'd I'd have to say both.

I guess that's healthy.

And maybe as you get better at expressing

your sexual desires, you'll be able to

overcome that little stamina problem we

discussed earlier. Isn't she a kick,

ladies and gentlemen? And to make this

fight even more deadly, both fighters

will be wearing patented celebrity

deathmatch high tech body enhancing armor

the CD. Turbo TA System

These Rubenesque rumblers can activate

the pneumatic turbo hydraulic system at

anytime with special controls passes on.

You can never put too much R&D

into TNA. You know Nick, the breasts

and buttocks are often the first things

a man notices before choosing. Sexual

partner Often the sight of these body

parts can cause an immediate blood flow

to the pennis. Sorry to interrupt Dr.

Ruth, but we've got 2 lovely ladies

down there itching to k*ll each other.

Deathbowl 99 is about to kick off.

Charlie, you've got a big chest.

Jennifer, you've got a big behind. But

here I'm the big chief and what I say

go. Let's get it out. Nick, you could say

these two ladies are pumped up for this

fight. A nice

Tees Valley is probing the defense while

Jennifer is trying to set the tone with

our large ask. How do you see the

fight shaping up, Doctor Ruth?

But remember, Dolly may have a sizable

advantage. She's got 2 teeth. Jennifer,

no matter how big it is, there's only

one eight. You're the doctor.

From bully on the thing that big old ****

is good for. He's a soft landing. You

mean like this?

A fantastic recovery by Dolly

Parton. Ohh, it didn't take

him long to break out

the heavy a*tillery. Kaboom Johnny,

he's a nobody. Pardon town.

Abby is one of the

most complicated moves in sports.

Nick Extraordinary. Followed by Miss

Patton. Unbelievable.

Ohh, beautiful **** but she's

going to need an aspirin.

Here's a ticket to Dollywood. Trusts

are armed. That

woman who's really comfortable with her

body is a beautiful thing. Now it's

time to say hello, Dolly. Up close

and personal life, Dolly takes the

offensive. But Jennifer

counters with her deadly arsenal.

Whoa, dollies down, but not

for long. Jennifer Lopez looking

to take her out and

ohh, she eats the turnbuckle.

Everywhere.

But they're not quite as big enough

yet.

Morning. That turbo

TA system is out of control now.

That's so wonderful.

Say goodbye, Dolly.

So it is possible for press to

be too large. The winner is Jennifer

Lopez's asset.

Jennifer's stages 8 come from behind

victory over Dollies breast Looks like an

age-old question has been settled right

here in the death toll. For now Johnny,

for now. I hope this match has taught

you to be more at home with your

sexual urges but.

You have to go, Doctor Ruth, thanks

for helping us out. Next up, the

biggest rivalry in sports will be coming

to an end. It's Tyson versus Holyfield's

judgment day. But first, we've reached

the moment. Death pool parties across the

nation have all been waiting for half

time, ladies and gentlemen. Let's give

a big deathball welcome to the

Material mother from Michigan, Madonna.

And joining her this evening, the

Mills Slaying Dancers.

Come on, how you feeling tonight?

Do you believe in fighting? Because

I got something to say about

it. Give it up for the

default. You know, Nick, I understand

Mills did all the choreography himself.

Doesn't surprise me a bit, Johnny.

Looks like there's some pushing action

down at ringside. Flowery younger man.

I'd be at the pit myself. Where?

Hey, Johnny, that's no ordinary marching.

It's overall clearance by the Cliff.

Would himself. Michael Jackson. We're as

surprised by this as you are at

home. What could he possibly be doing

here?Good to see

you again. Come on people, show your

love. She wants to

turn Madonnas solo into a duet. Read it,

you washed up freak. You're over. This is

the sort of magic that could only happen

during a deathball.

Ohh. And

here comes Mills Lane. This is not the

time to get it over. You want to k*ll

each other, you do it only in the

officially sanctioned death match. You're

on, Mr. You just say when Curly. None of

your back talk, young lady. Well, you

heard it here first. Ladies and

gentlemen. 2 pop stars, 1 ring equals

death match. Managed our whole family can

enjoy. I, for one, can't wait to see that

fight. Nick, it looks like you won't have

to wait long. I've just gotten word from

our producer that we're gonna settle this

one right after this commercial break.

What do you do when there's only one big

bowl beer left?

You're on. You're on.

Come on. Come

on.

It's not like other beers. Big Bull beer

so good you'll k*ll for it. Hallelujah.

Big Bull Beer, the official beer of

Celebrity Death Match, the full 99 and

all death match results.

Welcome back people. If you're just

tuning in, here's what you missed. A rare

stage performance by Madonna was brought

to an abrupt halt by a show stealing

Michael Jackson. The two exchanged harsh

words and a few punches before Mills Lane

intervened, insisting that they settled

their grievances in an officially

sanctioned bout. This one is too good to

wait for, so we're going to bring it to

you right now. These two have brought

their careers back from the dead so many

times, the only way to stop them is with

that VAT of hydrochloric acid we've been

saving for a special occasion. What do

you say, Nick? Let's go for the goal,

Johnny. You know, Nick, acid can be very

hazardous to your health. Tell me about

it. I barely made it through the 60s

myself. Huh. Alright, Michael and

Madonna, I'm a referee, not a scientist,

but I do know that pop stars and

corrosive acids just don't mix. This

fight ends and one of you takes a

dip. And remember, nobody tries to k*ll

anybody till I say let's get it on.

Let's get it on.

This guys a real artist Johnny, and the

dance floor is his canvas.

It looks like Michael Jackson is breaking

up the crotch grabs early. Who are you

trying to fool, Michael? You stole that

move from me. That's a nine, Madonna, and

you know it. Yeah. You want to see

crotch grabbing?This

is one of the most bizarre displays I

have ever seen in our ring. It appears to

be some kind of crotch grabbing Mexican

standoff. That tension is unbearable. One

of these fighters is going to have to

give him Johnny. I don't know how much

more those private pilots can take.

Ohh, And Michael Jackson has turned this

arena to his own personal playground.

He's got the crowd on its feet.

With his extensive use of plastic

surgery, it looks like Michael Jackson

has developed an incredible tolerance for

pain. It looks like Madonna doesn't

appreciate the showboating one bit.

Jackson family reunion tour. It's OK

Madonna, we've all moved on. Personal

projects anyway.

And Michael has taken control of this

fight. This could be trouble. We've seen

a lot of different Madonnas over the

years. But I don't know if this new

inner directed spiritual Madonna can

contain the firepower of a Michael

Jackson. Nick, sometimes you scare me.

All right, Michael, tell it's

time to vote.

Ohh. Unbelievable. Her frank, assertive

sexuality is too frightening for the

manchild inside Michael Jackson. His

innocence may shame our corrupted dope

world, but it's no match for

Tara.

Look at Michael Moonwalk, his way out

of trouble, smooth as silk.

Madonna. It's over.

Wow. Ohh I

don't know if that acid is strong enough

to eat through Michael's plastic surgery.

Apparently it is Mick. That's his old

face circa 1978. You just spoiled half

$1,000,000 worth of cosmetic surgery. I'm

gonna take it out on your *****. Come

and get me, Sissy boy. Ohh, Nick, we've

seen this before in Michael's videos. I

think he's going to use some of that

moonwalker magic to morph himself. Into a

deadly animal, maybe a Panther. I put my

money on a man eating cobra or a

massive dinosaur.

Ha ha. Now I'm going to break you

in 2, Madonna. Yeah, right. What the

hell? He's a hamster. I don't think she's

realized his mistake yet. This could cost

him the match. Hey, what's going on?

So damn big you've just seen your last

ray of light. Look

away, Nick, it's just too

horrible. Now who's

bad?And

the winner is Madonna.

It's been a perfect night for celebrity

violence so far. You speak I'm truth.

I'm partner. In our first bout, Jennifer

Lopez used the awesome power of her

booty to Polish off Dolly Parton, the

truly terrifying display of Preston

Buttocks savagery. And during halftime,

Madonna used the awesome power of.

They're fun to stomp out a rodent named

Michael Jackson. The true champions

always find a way, Nick. But that's

nothing compared to what we have in store

for you now. We have finally made it

to tonight's main event, the most

anticipated fight in the long history of

human violence. This is the rematch,

people. I've been talking about for years

Tyson versus Holyfield and their last two

matchups. Tyson has resorted to desperate

measures. As everybody knows, these two

champions have mixed it up before, but

something has always gotten in the way

before the grudge could finally be

settled. That's right, Nick, about a

million state laws. It's time to put the

death in. This ball introducing

the holy man from

Atlanta, the world heavyweight

champion Evander the real

deal Holyfield.

And his opponent, the former heavyweight

champion and ex president of the

Indiana State Prison. Brooklyn's favorite

hot head iron Mike Tyson.

OK, you too. This is celebrity death

match. We don't have no fancy Commission

and we ain't got no rules. So let's

get it on.

Tribute. Autograph. Sure, let me get a

pen. Feels

like Chili's heal as

a death match competitor.

He's too trusting. Why



the world champion. That's it. Frankly, I

really expected this one to go a

little longer. Nick Not the sense of

closure we were looking for. Johnny. I'm

a vendor. Holyfield and I'm stupid. Cruel

taunt from Mike Tyson. Nick's words The

most dangerous weapon of all. Looks like

we're taking this one on the road, just

like the old days. Hey Johnny.

Give me back my belt. You're cheating,

coward.

Rear end collision by Mike Tyson lookout.

Jason has just sent them both

dumpster diving. The bottle

should never have been in there. That's a

recyclable. Got to think globally and act

locally. Our world is our most precious

resource. Power to the people, Johnny.

Hey Vanda, you sneaky with Clayton?

Ohh, it's gonna take more than

a boot to the head to

stop Evander Holyfield.

My bedroom.

Defender Holyfields got the heart of a

warrior and the bedpost of a total

stranger. What's

Tyson doing now? Hey, Evanda,

it's for you. Hello. Hello.

Hello. When you're Tyson size,

you've always got an emergency

exit. Ohh,

what a move. I guess Tyson

likes Holyfield shaken, not stirred.

Arabic Nick, you know I haven't

been with a woman for three

years.

TV say hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

Oh my God, that's a $5000

video camera. It'll take more than

a video camera to stop Evander

Holyfield. I'll

tell you, Nick, there is no love lost

on that elevator. Next stop, grievous

bodily harm. It's longer.

Can this go on? My guess is about a

minute and 22 seconds. I think you need

them here at the end.

Ohh, it'll take more than a ventilation

duct to stop the Vander Holyfield.

Holyfield has Tyson right where he wants

him. But wait, what's Tyson up to

now? Hey, Vanda, look, I can see

your house. Your wife wants you. She

looks pretty sore. Let

me see.

Ohh man I licensed demolition team. Look

out people, get out the way.

Oh my God.

Looks like the reigning champion is Mike

Tyson. What do you mean, Mitch? Well,

he's riding all over the sidewalk and

the winner is a Vander Holyfield.

An amazing finish. Holyfield takes out

the former heavyweight champ and clears

the way for a fantastic new low

income housing project. Until that

building crumbled beneath him. I had Mike

Tyson ahead on points. Johnny Get.

Another incredible death toll has been

flushed here tonight. Until next time.

Nick Diamond and I'm Johnny Gomez

saying good fight, good night.