02x02 - Battle of the Boys with Toys

[bunniefuu]

The Jew The team who put who

on ice but Sino Deniro Special

referendum. Will there be a method to

their madness? Beastie Backstreet. The

battle of boys with toys. All

this and more tonight on

Celebrity Deathmatch.

Welcome to the show, fight fans. I'm

Johnny Gomez. And I'm Nick Diamond, also

known as Ice Diamond. Ohh, fly that one

by me again. Ice Diamond. Pretty damp,

huh? What's that supposed to mean? Back

in my hood, when I was still hustling,

my homies used to call me Ice Diamond.

That's a bunch of crap. No no,

no, it's true. I'm down with OPP, OHH,

Jay, Nix, Whatever folks, we've got a

terrific lineup this evening. Our first

match features 2 legendary hip hop

personalities, Ice Cube and Ice Tea.

Tonight's battle to the death will

determine which of these two !sis is

truly the coolest. Party people.

What could be more jamming than Ice Cube

meets Ice Tea on Ice? There's referee

Mills Lane driving the Zamboni that fly.

MC is making sure the surface is wiggity

wack smooth. Our second undercard brings

together some of the finest actors of

this century. More than scenery is going

to get chewed up when.

Robert De Niro in an all out thespian

brawl. Moderating this match to the death

will be one of the greatest actors the

world has ever known, Marlon Brando. And

in our main event, we're proud to bring

you the clash of two mighty Titans. When

the Beastie Boys take on the Backstreet

Boys and you're not going to believe.

Toys our boys are gonna fight with.

Yes, they'll be battling to the death

in two enormous robotic fightingmachines.

Did you just touch me? What? What are

you talking about? You just touched me,

didn't you? Under the desk? No way,

Johnny. Damn it, Something touched me.

Go. What the hell is it? Take it

easy, Johnny boy. That's just Brandon's

little helper. Marlon met him on the set

of. Island of Doctor Moreau, and ever

since he's acted as Brando's personal

assistant. Is it human? I think it's some

kind of genetic mutant. What the hell

does it want? This is Brandon's catering

list for his dressing room at Where the

hell are we going to get 20 gallons

of blueberry syrup?

I've got to say, Nick,

he's a pretty good dancer.

Hey fella, you're a good

fella, Archer. Ohh, he's up

on him, man. We wouldn't

want to upset Mr. Brando.

God, you're out of here,

punk. OK, where

will it? We're ready to go

ringside, or should I say rinkside,

in the right corner, straight out

of Compton. A skater with attitude.

The notorious ice shoe.

In the blue corner, he's not just

the cool summer drink, he's a player

all year round. The original gangster

rapper ice tea.

Now, a gentleman. I don't know much about

hippity hop, and I like ice skating

better when there's some pretty girls

involved, but what the hell, let's get it

on. Played

yourself. You should have known better

than to get into the rink with me. Check

yourself tonight. Are you gonna be

writing you a desertification? There goes

ice cube.

Clumsy. Yes, these brothers may be able

to drop lyrical bombs, but they sure lay

an egg when they get out on the ice.

Well, the hot, dusty streets of Los

Angeles may not be the best place to

learn how to skate. Word up, Johnny.

Come on, face the funk.

Both enough boy ice cubes beginning to

get addressed about there. He must have

taken a few pointers from Tanya Harding.

We're sorry.

Taking a nap over there tonight. Yeah.

Never underestimate the power of a man

with a lot of ice sickles. Who? I'm

going to put my boot right up yours.

Who should keep your fat mouth shut? Ohh,

no for this ice campaign. But this is

a fight to the death. I'm going to

take you straight to the death port, he

said. Goodnight, sucker. Look out, ice

cream.

You can't touch this.

What do you give that

move, Nick? Whoa. Ohh.

Ice Cube is down and under, and it's

awfully chilly under that ice. He's only

got a few seconds to get out of

there before he freezes the parties over.

Check this out, Nick. There's a hint of

irony here. Ice Cube is frozen. Inside

an ice cube. That's gotta hurt his pride

and make him wish he chosen a different

name. Like Warm Bed, the winner in ice

tea. That was a

dope best fight, and we got to see

some darn good skating moves as well.

That's right, Nick coming up next. Hold

up. This fight ain't finished. It appears

there's an unexpected challenger for the

title, but Nilla ice. I am back, back,

baby. The coolest ice of them all. Yeah,

boy, he's trying to. Combat, Johnny right

here in our arena. Man, you're the

same as Rollways. What? Nothing but a

big pony. You can't crash this scene,

nor saying I could crash it. All

right, Zamboni, power off.

That's gotta hurt. What the hell

is going on?

All my clothes all wet.

I'm gonna kick somebody's asks for this.

You already have and winner in the

coolest ices and all Ice Cube.

The surprise upset from Ice Cube and

Vanilla Ice sure deserved that. There's

nothing more wax than when white guys

tried to act down. Yeah, boy, yo,

that joint was slamming. I mean, I

enjoyed that fight very much. Coming up

next, the Raging Bull meets the

Godfather. Robert De Niro versus

Al Pacino in our first annual

Actors Showcase with special guest

referee Marlon Brando.

In his legendary fight against Jackie

Chan, Jean-Claude Van Damme unleashed

this lethal maneuver. A the pinwheel

of death. B The Belgian helicopter.

C the Vaughan mower spin the

answer right after these messages.

Which Jean-Claude Van Damme maneuver left

Jackie Chan feeling airsick? If you

guessed B the Belgian helicopter, then

you were correctly able to name that

move. Took them back to

Celebrity Deathmatch, where we're about

to present our first annual Actors

Showcase starring Al Pacino and Robert De

Niro. Tonight they'll bring to life some

of their most famous characters and put

them to use in a battle to the

death. But first, we have an exclusive

interview with our guest referee, Marlon

Brando. He rarely talks to the media, but

he's agreed to speak with Stacey

Cornbread down in the dressing room.

Stacey. Thanks, Nick. Mr. Brandon, you've

worked with both combatants in their

breakthrough picture, The Godfather.

Well, who do you think's going to come

out alive in tonight's death match?

As in Stacey, an assassin? No, I'm

a TV interviewer. You're neither. You're

an errand girl sent by grocery clerks

to collect the bill. No, Mr. Brando.

Actually, we'll be picking up the tab

tonight. So who do you think will

win, Mr. Pacino or Mr. De Niro?

Overflow, Mr. Pistachio nut. France

invades my taste buds with a curious

beauty. Reminds me of the healing in the

moonlight, the feel of the fresh white

sand freckling between my clothes. But I

just have to understand. I used to be

a ditch digger. And you become famous and

people start looking at you and talking

to you, saying hello and. How are

you? They come between you and what's

really important in life. Yeah. Ohh.

The horror.

Back to you, Nick and Johnny.



tonight. A cool 50 mil. Worth every

penny. Now it's time for our first annual

Electors showcase. Here's how it works.

But you know what? De Niro will each be

recreating 3 of their favorite roles to

use in this fight. They've certainly got

a lot to choose from. It looks like

they're just finishing. Pouring Brando

into the ring, let's get this deadly

drama onto the stage.

In the red corner,

please welcome one of

America's greatest acting talents,

Mr. Al Pacino.

In the blue Corner, Possibly the

most intense performer in their history

of movies, Mr. Robert De Niro.

Malin, I ask your blessing in this death

match.

I got chicken inside a big plastic bowl.

Marlin, I ask for your blessing in this

death match. You know,

my mother Bobby, was a wonderful woman.

She smelled of lilac.

Let's get it on.

You're not an actor, you're not a friend.

I don't want to know you or what you do.

I don't want to see you in Tribeca. I

don't want you near my house. When you

see Brando, I want to know what day in

advance so I won't be there. I

understand. And Petrino comes out

fighting with his award-winning Michael

Corleone. What's up with the. He's hardly

putting up a fight. Give him a second

ditch. He's been playing a lot of nice

guys lately. Hit me.

Hit me again. Hit me again. Now

I get it, Nick. He's doing Jake

Lamotta from Raging Bull. My favorite De

Niro roll. Man, that guy could really

take a punch. I watched a snail

crawl along the edge of the chocolate

eclair. That's my dream. That's my

nightmare. Come here, baby.

I'm asking you hit me again. Will

you hit me? Some strange strategy.

Deniro's taking an awful beating, but for

what? Her closer look at Pacino. Johnny

De Niro is slowly, very slowly, wearing

him down. In fact, he's worn Pacino's

fist to the wrist. You didn't get

me down. Now you didn't get me

down. Ohh, yeah. Ohh. God. Ohh. Yeah.

That's beautiful. What's Pacino doing

now? I'm not sure, but I think

De Niro's getting ready for little taxi

driver. Ohh. Real rain is coming. It's

going to wipe this scum off the

streets.

Doing some Travis Bickle psycho Kung

Fu. Great Pacino's countering Travis

Bickle with Lieutenant Colonel Frank

Slade from center of a woman.

Who are you talking to me.

You talking to me?

OK, alright, I guess you're talking to me

then. I just wanted to make sure.

There was a man who would not take

it anymore. A man who stood up against

the scum, the dogs, the filled and Al

Pacino. Why don't you try stuffing your

head up your *****? I see everything.

Hello Tony Montana. About time Pacino

pulled out the big g*ns and gave us

some Scarface. I

want to have a word with him, and he's

being very vulgar. Do you wanna fight

with me? Do you wanna play rough? OK.

Hello to my little friend.

What a fantastic move from Al Pacino. We

can only hope that's put Brando's little

helper out of Commission. You know that

which gives me joy. Baseball. And when

I'm out there in the field, I'm going

out there for myself. But I get nowhere

unless the team wins. Why aren't you

talking about you? I'm talking here.

And it's time for a home run.

Give me all your g*n. Looks like

the Neros pulling out all the stops

with his merciless Al Capone from The

Untouchables. Al Pacino is down and out.

Mommy, Mommy, why would you flash me some

digestive medicine? I've got a bad case

on a blog.

Wow, the Nero's clearly the winner with

the Al Capone Skullcracker and a

fantastic performance from Marlon Brando.

I sure Hope Mills Lane was taking

notes from the Master. Next up, our

main event, the Beastie Boys paddle the

Backstreet Boys in robotic fighting

machines. Aretha

Franklin went medieval on Barbra

Streisand, using a diseased rat to

initiate a maneuver known as a

hepatitis B deadly B protein soup

C the bubonic plague move the

answer right after these messages.

What do you get when you combine one

diseased rat with a bucket of drinking

water? If your answer was C, the bubonic

plague moved then you were able to name.

That move.

Folks, welcome back to celebrity

deathmatch. We've sure had some Class A

carnage on the show this evening, but

all of that was nothing compared to

what we have coming up now in

our main event Boys with toys 80

Brian, Howie D Kevin, Nick these are

the Backstreet Boys dedicated to. Ohh

matching the ladies, there are five guys

who are ready to risk it all. King, Ad

Rock, MCA, Mike D, These are the Beastie

Boys. Tonight they're going to fight for

their right to live. It seems to me like

the Backstreet Boys have got a 5 to 3

edge on the Beasties. There may only be 3

Beastie Boys. They're clever,

resourceful, and they play their own

instruments. As you may notice, we've

removed the ring from the Death Match

Arena. Tonight's main event is just too

big to be fought in an ordinary ring. We

really splurged on this one. But with

Brandon's fee and this, the bean counters

at MTV are going to be tearing their hair

out. Let's take a look

at the budget busting high tech toys

these boys are going to be fighting with.

Yes, you can't believe your eyes. Our

combatants will enjoy the luxury and

power of our official deathmatch robotic

fighting machine. Ohh, they're real

beauties aren't they Johnny? Let's show

how it's going to work.

I'm gonna k*ll you Rubber Johnny. I'm

gonna bash your head in Robot mix. We're

using remote controls, but the boys will

actually be controlling their fighting

machines from inside the robots heads.

The beasties will be fighting from inside

the blue robot with the silver trim. This

meme machine comes with twin laser

cannons, heat seeking rocket, Fists of

Fury, titanium armor and by special

request a 100 disc CD changer with dual



have opted to battle from inside the red

robot with the orange trim. This cold

blooded computer has been outfitted with

laser guided Tamagotchi. Turbine power

grip, applause, and by special requests

of vanity table with 250 gallons of hair

pomade, There they are, the Backstreet

Boys. Say Nick, what's that song of

theirs? I tell you, Johnny, I don't know

a damn thing about it, but these guys,

they're my all time favorite, the Beastie

Boys. All tonight's boys have been

through a special training class to learn

how to operate their two legged vehicles

of destruction. Those crazy beasties.

They remind me of my days as a

Merchant Marine. They take

their positions in the command post.

We'll be ready to go. Let's do

it, guys. Let's do it. Let's do

it for our moms. Let's do it

for our fans. Let's do it for

the ladies. I already said that.

Where's the beer?

Getting a Crick in my neck, so let's just

get it on.

The Backstreet Boys wasted no time

powering up their red robot. We got

beats, we got lights with body rockin.

Looks like the Beasties didn't bother to

read the manual. That blue robot is

out of control. Ohh,

that's gotta hurt. Ohh, I can't watch.

Calm down, Nick. It's only a robot.

We got some super disco breakin.

Check this out. There's a button here and

they say yes.

We're OK, they've missed us.

Kevin, Bryan, AJ, we gotta get these

guys. Let's use the Rockets.

What's up?

There go the season ticket holders.

We're losing power.

Ohh don't worry my pizza, I've got an

idea.

The Beastie Boys are headed in the wrong

direction.

Oh my God, the Beastie

Boys have grabbed Brandon. What

on earth are they thinking

Johnny? Unbelievable.

They stepped Marlon Brando into the

exhaust pipe of the Backstreet Boys

robot. Those exhaust fumes are going to

pile up inside that robot's head. I

can't breathe, I can't see, I Can't

Sing. Listen, let them tell me. Who's

that?

Pig after pig, cow

after cow.

Boys are wide open for trouble.

Right.

With the Mullen Brando exhaust plug, the

bad Boys from Brooklyn come from behind

to seal their victory.

And the winners? The beastly boy.

There you have it. The Beastie Boys

made bits beat out of the Backstreet

Boys. Hey, what the hell? These robot

gizmos are kind of fun, aren't they,

Johnny? Hey, what are you doing? That's

not fair.

Good fight, good night.

Coming up next week, Lucy Lawless

versus Calista Flockhart and Penn and

Teller versus Siegfried and Roy when

Celebrity Deathmatch continues.