02x03 - Magic, Flashbacks and Pregnancies

[bunniefuu]

A violent warrior Princess seeks A *****

female professional for purposes of pain

and suffering. 2 mystery brawlers. We're

off to answer the question what was

celebrity death match like in the 80s and

tag team?Titans of the magic world

tried to make each other disappear for

good. Where else but Celebrity Deathmatch?

Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond. I'd like to remind viewers

that our show deals with mature themes

including graphic violence and extreme

bloodshed. Let's hope it does. I don't

think anyone will be going home

disappointed tonight. Nick in our

headline out Vegas showman Siegfried and

Roy will try to. Game New York hipster

magicians Penn and Teller in our second

fight. We don't have a clue who's

fighting the answers right here on this

tape, which hasn't been broadcast since

all the way back in the 80s. As you

know, Nick, last week when the Beastie

Boys tangled with the Backstreet Boys,

the real loser was our upper deck. But

during the rebuilding phase. We found

this tape inside a mysterious historical

time capsule from the year 1985. And

that's not all we found. It appears

to be sub kind of primitive weapon.

Hey Rick Springfield's greatest hits that

might actually be worth something. This

is starting to creep me out, Johnny.

Well. Maybe you'll feel more comfortable

with our first fight, Nick. Lucy Lawless,

independent, self reliant, lethal and

Calista Flockhart, Cute, vulnerable, high

strung and I tell you Nick, this

contest has brought a very different

crowd into the stadium.

We pray how many you want, ma'am? And

to start things off, what could be more

appropriate than a poem from our national

poet, Maya Angelou?

Two celebrities are great big

can of whoop ads.

Ohh, you know that was the most

beautiful poem I've ever heard. Well, it

looks like our fighters are entering the

ring and they brought the tools of

their trades. Ladies and gentlemen, in

the blue corner, the poster girl of

neurotic self involvement, Calista

Flockhart. And in the

red corner, a master of the arts

of gore from the days of yore,

Lucy Lawless.

OK, Lady Calista, no naval gazing. Lucy,

no eating. You're dead now. Let's get

it on. This is so weird, isn't

it? By the God's yarn?

That's got to be a blow to Calista

self-esteem. Johnny, why is it so hard

for women to be friends? You can't flirt

your way out of this one *****.

This is gonna whip Kalista into shape.

Looks like Lucy Lawless has just filed

Calista Flockhart under P for pain.

Ohh, you hurt, don't you?

Inside. I bet you're a

very lonely woman. I get

by. Yeah, Lucy takes

to the desk and ohh, she's giving that

drawer out one way ticket to the front

row.

Do you find you don't get a lot

of second dates? Hey, referee Mills. Yes,

young lady, you're cute. This may be the

end of the long dry season from Mills

Lane. Well, if you're going to act like

a schoolgirl. He said.

What pipeline? Lucy has Calista right

where she wants her now.

Wait a second. There seems to be some

commotion in the other corner. It's the

dancing baby, and he's completely

distracted. Lucy Lawless. Hold on a

minute. It's NYPD boss Dennis Franz. The

camera loves that guy's book. I'm going

to be fooled by getting into my ring.

Get his friend. A tough

guy. There's only

a tap. Again, this is for all

women. Prepare to meet the gods. Meet

the gods. Never even had a meaningful

relationship yet. Ohh, it looks like

Callistus entering one of her fantasy

sequences.

I know what I want, husband and kids.

I mean, not now, but sometime. And you're

not going to stop me.

Mr. uses the power of the Mace to

turn this fight around. What's she

reaching for now, Johnny? Welcome to the

computer age. Classic

laptop face smash. It looks

like Lucy has just logged

on to headinjury.com. Lucy, it's

your biological clock on line



sequences can really put things

in perspective. Mercy,

would you mind making some copies for me?

She's taking on heroes and vengeful gods,

but she doesn't seem to fit into the

corporate world. How much punishment can

one medieval woman take? It looks like

Calista is showing more range as a role

model than we expected. Unless things

change. Why the policy will be the

watchwords. And tomorrow's weather. Ohh.

Breathtaking gamble by Lucy Lawless. It

looks like a list of Flockhart

has caught up in the devastating

rectal clutch. If Mills rules that

move legal, Lucy Lawless may have

changed the momentum of this fight.

I'll allow it for those viewers.

That's tuning in. Calista Flockhart is

currently of Lucy Lawless's, but there's

just no other way to say it. I'm

not sure where she's going with this.

If Lucy nails this landing, it looks like

Calista Flockhart will be completely

taken out of this fight. The pressure

must be immense. She needed to nail it,

and she did.

And the woman of the year is Lucy

Lawless. Got lots more

mayhem still to come, including our

mystery fight from the 80s. Who is on

the tape? All this and more when we

return to Celebrity Death Match.

Welcome back to the Deathmatch. For

viewers who may have missed our first

bout, Lucy Lawless showed some

sensational resourcefulness to turn

around what looked like certain defeat at

the hands of Calista Flockhart. But not

without some personal cost. Let's chin

with our own Stacey Cornbread. Thanks,

Johnny. Doctors have been carefully

monitoring Lucy Lawless's delicate state,

and they just upgraded her two

stable condition. There you can see

this heartbeat.

Got a strong little ticker. Ohh. But

Doctor, I'm a mega sensation in New

Zealand and all over the world. I don't

need this kind of responsibility in my

life. I'll be standing by for any further

developments. Back to you, Johnny. Thanks

Stacy. Tonight's second fight is a blast

from the deathmatch past all the way back

to 1985. Or even in colour. Then

Johnny, you bet we were Nick. Blood

red. Let's go to the tape. All

the stars, all the styles, all the

savagery coming at you tonight live on

Celebrity Deathmatch. Come

back, fight fans. I'd like to remind

viewers to keep calling their cable

operators. Remember the four magic words?

I want my MTV.

May I say, Nick, you look marvelous

tonight. What you talking about, Willis?

I'll tell you, Nick, when you tell

me. Where's the beef? Go ahead, Johnny.

Make my day.

Let's go to our resident celebrity

chaser, Stacey Cornbread. And thanks,

Johnny. I'm standing here with Mr. T of

TV's The A-Team. I pity the poor thank

you team. You know, looking around this

crowd, I see more famous faces than at

Live Aid. There's purple hair recording

artist Cyndi Lauper, and I can see Middle

Eastern celebrity. Ayatollah Ruhollah

Khomeini. They've all turned out to watch

the most anticipated fight of the year.

Miami Vice's top law enforcer Don Johnson

squaring off against androgynous rocker

Boy George. This all started on a sultry

summer night in the Florida Keys,

captured by a hidden security camera.

Hey, darling, where's the party? You

tell me. Buy a drink, maybe?

Bartender. Sea breezes for me and

the lady.

These last few weeks have been the most

fulfilling time of my life. When I'm

around you, I like me. Ohh. It's only

that's why I'm so afraid. Afraid of

things changing, what could destroy what

we've built together.

It looks like the Miami Vice star

nearly went too far undercover on that

mission. Johnny will put. And tonight

we're honored to have a very special

guest referee, the Liberator of Grenada,

our 39th president, Ronald Wilson.

Major. Hello fans

and welcome to the Dead

Celebrities match. Ohh, the Great

Communicator still got it, hasn't

he? That he's put America

back on top in the

Mall of Corner? A recording

artist who can use any

public bathroom boy. Sure.

And in the base corner,

the 5:00 shadow don't Judson

his corner man tonight is

Philip Michael Thomas Miami vices

tough. He's doing Donna solid

tonight, Johnny.

Well, I I want to

see the best match win.

Now let's let's get it

along. Why

didn't you tell me? I was afraid to

lose what we had. We had nothing. Paco,

get them done. Ohh,

radical. A shot to the gut. This

is how we get a confession. Yeah,

they're going for it. It's not looking

too good right now, Johnny. With that

dancers body Boy George might not have

the defensive skills to contain the

expl*sive offensive fire power of an

actor like. John Johnson.

They may have spoken too soon, Johnny.

Yep, it looks like he brought his

Culture Club. Done your sh**ting.

Ohh.

Oh. Why is that man

kicking that exotically dressed young

lady So. So anyway, I've got something

to ask you. Listen to this.

Do you really want to hurt me? Do you

really want to make me cry? Ohh.

And maybe speaking with his fists, But

Boy George is speaking with his heart.

Don, he embarrassed you. He embarrassed

us. That's what a good corner man does.

He pulls his man back from the brink.

You know something? I really do want to

hurt you.

Ohh.

That's about enough, Sir. It hands off

the lady, Mr. President. That's not a

lady. That's Boy George. She can call

herself anything she wants, but that

doesn't mean you can hit her. Not on

my watch. Mr. Gorbachev. It's go time.

Higgins pulling on Rambo, and

here's one for you.

I haven't seen Reagan this bad since

Ronnie Junior said he wanted to go to

ballet school. Well,

it's bedtime for Dunzo.

Bottled Beacon has just vetoed Don

Johnson. Wait a second. Looks like this

was not over yet. Not so fast,

Great Satan. The Ayatollah is going to

administer. You are whipping or pick

style. Well, I said it once and

I'll say it again. I will.

Never negotiate with t*rrorists. This

is going to be sweet.

Don't look directly into the beam, Nick.

Well, darn it, wait a

second, wait a second. I

can do it. Maddie, you

want a taste of the

ahola?

Looks like freaking finally got the bugs

out of that Star Wars m*ssile defense

system, $5 trillion well spent, Johnny.

Hello, are you OK young lady?

We're minutes away from our headline

match, the battle to see who big King of

the Magic Mountain. On one side, we've

got Siegfried and Roy, the top act in

Vegas with these two confirmed bachelors.

It's never just about magic, it's an

extravaganza. And on the other side,

we've got Penn and Teller, the top magic

team in the East. I'll tell you, it's

clear, these two learn their stuff in

the toughest school of all the streets.

You read my mind, Johnny. Just like

magic, Mick. And Speaking of magic, we've

got a trick from our own Sorcerer's

Apprentice by little Chip off the old

block, Nikki Junior. OK, I need a

volunteer. OK, I guess that's me.

Have we ever met before? Mr. Gomez? I've

never seen you before in my life. Nikki,

may I please have your wallet?

Is this your wallet? Ohh

yes it is an ordinary

household lighter.

Is this your wallet? Why yes, it

was. Well, he's got the makings of

a top line act Nick, isn't he?

Something looks like the 2 tag teams

are making their entrances in the blue

corner. The brawlers of Broadway pen and.

Tell her in the red corner

from the glittering Strip of Las

Vegas, the Titans of tight costumes,

Siegfried and Roy.

I want a good fight here. Magic's OK,

but no sorcery or voodoo, and I don't

want to see anybody calling upon Satan or

his legion. But what does that leave us

with? Those are the rules, House. Loose

stools beginning.

Pick a card. Remember this right now?

Put it back in the deck.

Ohh this is your

card. 99 It

wasn't his card. It wasn't his card. It

looks like Penn and Teller also have some

animal tricks up their sleeves, Nick.

It's hard to think strategy when you've

done a badger clamp through your ear,

Johnny.

Alright, yeah, they are simplified. And

why? Let's see what else you

got, Liberace. I will require a

volunteer.

You're so nicely.

Ohh, that box may spell trouble for

Tyler. This has never before been

attempted on the Death match stage. Right

up we begin.

Leaving the Arabian sword basket, could

this be more OK?

Ohh.

Hey, what did you put another sword in?

Yeah, right. I'm sure that really hurts.

Podcast nothing for you so maybe you

should tell us. Mental stop. You have to

ask yourself, how useful is it to have a

silent partner?

Holly.

You know what that is Nick?

Showmanship, sure. And simple world class

entertainment. They Newton,

thanks for coming out. We caught you

at Caesars. You ever wonder bar David

Copperfield? Claudia, you're staying

tonight. You all next, David? Just

kidding, but you're still next. This

could be a serious mistake schmoozing

before you put a death match on

ice. It's like you've

got second sight. Johnny Penn and Teller

have managed to slip out of that effect

sequence and right into their next act.

Hey, fruit line, you're going to like

this one. So I think your partner in

here, maybe you need to sign on your

next. It says forgive me. I am so

OK one.

And just like that, it's a three on



of heart, at least the top half does.

And setting up for the old disappearing

coin trick. Is this your brain?

This could be the match. The boys

only got a few seconds to pop

that brain back in. Ohh, that phrase

seems to have a mind of its

own.

What the hell is this about, Johnny?

Looks like Pen is once again resorting to

his favorite weapon, Teller.

Sick free this history.

That Simba avenged sickly clock the

tire block. The tiger nick? Is

that a rib eye? I believe

it's a T-bone. I always hated

you. Fat again.

Ohh, let's double cross and now Pen

is nothing more than a pile of

brown beef and the winner is Teller

and Roy.

I think we've just witnessed the birth of

our whole new act. Nick, Johnny, I've

just received word that there's been a

development in Lucy Lawless. This

condition we go live to Stacey Cornbread.

That's right, Nick. I'm here at Lucy

Lawless's bedside. Let's listen in. Push.

Come on, Push. You're doing fine. Come

on, Lucy. You can do it. Push.

Push. I've

got some wonderful news. It's Calista

Flockhart. Can I hold her? I feel

completely transformed. I know everybody

says this about their first, but Calista

Flockhart really is the most beautiful

lawyer I've ever seen. It's moments like

this that make you proud to be

a broadcaster. Johnny.

What a blessed event, Stacey. It's been

a very special celebrity Deathmatch. Dad,

where did Calista Flockhart come from?

We'll talk about that later, son. Now,

don't you have another trick for us?

I need a volunteer. OK, why the

hell not? OK, reach into the box.

Your hand out-of-the-box.

Ohh, this is Nick Diamond

saying good fight, good night.