02x06 - Celebrity Deathmatch International

[bunniefuu]

Who will go down Under for the count in

the battle of the Australian action

heroes? Which Latin actor is El Mas macho

hombre in the world? And what happens

when diplomacy breaks down between 3

superpowers?Celebrities, you're about to

find out here on Celebrity

Deathmatch International.

Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond, and you fight fans are in

for a very special celebrity death match.

Fasten your seat belts and Stow your tray

tables in the upright position because in

the next half hour we're taking you on

a trip around the world. No subtitles

necessary, we speak the international

language. That's right, Nick. Here

at Deathmatch, we strongly believe that

violence has no borders. You said it,

Johnny. So we fueled up the Deathmatch

private jet and took off for all three

corners of the earth. Get your papers in

order, folks. We're getting off to the

savage struggle from Sydney.

Good day ladies and mates and welcome to

the Olivia Newton John Stadium in seaside

Sydney, Australia. We've flown to the

other side of the globe to bring you

the undercard from Down Under Cogan

Gibson. You know this one's going to be

a take no prisoners fight. Nick.

Remember, Australians are descended from

a penal colony. Can we say that on

the air, Johnny? Let's take a look at

what the combatants had to say to our

own Stacey Cornbread. I'm here with

Crocodile Dundees, Paul Hogan, star of

Crocodile Dundee and Crocodile Dundee

too. Tell us your thoughts on tonight's

fight, Paul. No worries, dice, but males

going to have worries aplenty when?Do a

walkabout on his pretty face. Sounds like

you've got some issues with Mel. You

better do. The guy gets lucky with a

couple of movies and he goes I'll

Hollywood on us. I can barely understand

where this silly wombat says anymore.

Well Mel, Paul Hogan says you've

forgotten your roots and gone Hollywood.

I love Australia. I'm so happy to be

back in the gorgeous city of Cindy. Mel,

it's Sydney. Ohh, yes, of course. Point

is, I feel right at home here. I

love watching the little kangaroo bears

climb. That meant the lyptus trees. I

see. Well, back to you, Nick and Johnny.

Yeah, mate. Dane. Thanks, Stacy. Sounds

like those two have quite a

score to settle in the red

corner. The butcher of the Bush,

the punishing pitchman Paul Hogan.

The Lethal Weapon himself,

Mel Gibson.

Gibson Crocodile. I want a good clean

fight, or at least a good one.

Remember, it's Australian rules, so

anything goes. Let's get it on.

Go back to Hollywood, Oscar boy.

Good tech. You'll be deader than

your career when I'm done with

you. Through a skull,

but from now has Paul looking for some

refreshments. Those oversized dossy

beers. Pack a wallop. That's Australian

for I'm gonna whip your butts.

Mel's pulling the Three Stooges, a

classic move from Lethal Weapons One

through 4, The old Larry Slap

and the Curly Bug.

Demo. And

the multi poker death k*ller material.

Hogan takes a moment to reinsert his

eyeballs and he goes to the infamous

Crack lock. A real crowd pleaser from

Crocodile Dundees one through 2.

See you later, Alligator. Too bad. Guess

we'll never get to work together. How do

you mean? Well, I'm going to need a new

sidekick for Lethal Weapon Five. Yeah.

Think you can buy me off that? Easy, do

you? Unlimited. Free lager at this

studio. Commissary Unlimited. I'm calling

my agent Morty. I got the great Peter

Hogan here. It's Paul. Of course. Paul

Hogan. Yeah, that guy from the car

commercials. Well, that may talk to him.

You got it. Ohh that's

semi or full. Now that's what I call.

Reach out and hurt someone.

Did I hold down again?

How does that feel, Hogan?

Almost just painful as this?

What's up, Mel? Paul is

armed and dangerous.

All right.

It looks like Paul's about to get

Aboriginal on Mel's *****.

There goes Natalie Imbruglia's head. Now

she's really torn. Sorry, mate.

Locals sure love their Aussie Rules

football. Alright.

Wow, talk about the man without a face.

What's going on over there, Johnny? Looks

like Mel's getting a little touch up from

his hair and makeup team. I guess the

Starlight Mel needs to look his best even

during a **** whooping game on Sissy Boy.

You've got enough lip gloss on already,

Makeover Johnny. Looks like we're about

to see Braveheart 2. Brave hotter with a

vengeance. Incredible. We may

not give out Oscars folks, but I

nominate Mel for best disembowelment in a

death match bow. Ohh, interesting fact,

here in Australia blood goes down the

drain counterclockwise. How do you

like this? Nick Mels presenting Paul to

his personal chef in return? Missio

Gibson having tonight. Let's just throw

another wimp on the Barbie.

Star power and a sense of humor.

I'm still available for that short kick

part. I like my ball, Hogan. Medium

rare. How about you, Johnny?

The winner?

A true Aussie finish for a true Aussie

star. With that Barbie Vanover Mel Gibson

has put to rest any doubts about his

Down Under credential. We've got mutual

mass mayhem on the way. Coming up we

go to Havana, Cuba for a Spanish speaking

scuffle hockey movie. I will, Antonio

Banderas goes. Nash

Bridges Co star Cheech Marin

No Flippo.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch

International. If you're just joining us,

we've already made history in our

first ever Down Under death match.

The beautiful land of Australia, Friendly

women, spectacular wildlife. Didn't you

love it down there, Nick? I loved it

fine, except for the brutal cavity

searches. Excuse me? You know, at the

airport when the custom guys took us into

separate rooms and made us take off our

pants. Actually, they just asked me for

my passport. Huh. Ladies and gentlemen,

get out the picante sauce. Next up on the

Deathmatch World Tour. The spicy

communist paradise of Cuba.

Ohh fight fans, ever since that Bay of

Pigs business, Cuba's been a hotbed of

international conflict, and tonight is no

exception. We've got 2 sensational

fighters. Nick, why don't you break

Cheech down for us? Ohh sure. On the one

hand, Cheech is experienced. He's taken a

lot of hits in his time on the.

There's this impaired lung capacity, he

could get short of breath. As for

Antonio, he wrote the book on being a

******. This is the star of movies like

Sorrow, Assassins, Miami Rhapsody.

However, Ben Darras has a weakness for

really tight pants which may impede his

movement forwards. Johnny La Quinta Puff

of all. In any case, to add to

the excitement, we've invited famous

South American sportscaster Andres Cantor

into the booth to provide us with his

own unique commentary. Welcome, Andres.

How about giving us a little sample, huh?

This is gone. Gone.

Yeah, Gracias Andres, but it

looks like our fighters have

entered the ring in the

blue corner all the way

from Madrid, Spain sexiest swordsman

Antonio Banderas. In

the red corner from the mean

streets of East LA, the original

Puff Daddy, Richard Cheech Marin. Hey

man. What's happening? You're busting

me. And tonight we're honored

to have a very distinguished

guest referee, the maestro of

Marxism, the dictator of disaster,

Fidel Castro.

OK, Gabrielle, I want the good fight.

No hitting below the belt, No oppressing

the peasant class, no seizing the means

of production, no imperialist invasions,

no decadent American influence.

And in closing, no making fun

of my beard. This guy makes

a lot of sense. We are

being oppressed. Johnny. Johnny.

Get it out.

That's a low blow from Banderas. Hey

man, what you weighed me was having

some nice dreams man.

But that was really uncool man. Ohh

damn hurts. Ohh come on man, you're

hurting my metal man. 1st through 3rd.

Hey, lay back and say I ain't got no beef

with you. Either teaches

doing a really sophisticated ropeadope or

he's got no idea of what's going

on right up to the ladder. Johnny

got me out, man. I'm feeling kind

of dazed.

This is taking an unscheduled siesta.

Umm dude, I got the munchies.

OK Holmes, meet out there. Three

burritos.

Then don't be stingy with the guacamole.

Antonio's on his feet and he attacks

again. Excellente move by Ben Darras here

in tumor. The politicians are red and

so is the blood. Cheaters in real

trouble. Those pupils are looking very

dilated.

You insist on acting like a woman. I

will impress you like a woman.

No, that's really cool homes. Hey, brand

new with an L for loser and

this is like a bad trip. And

now I finish you off.

I feed. You gotta tell this

dude to chill, man. It's Latino

rules. Anything goes. Yeah. What you

smoking? You're Cuban tobacco. The pride

of my country. Heroic basins. Whatever,

man. Just stop Bogard tying it.

A miss from Antonio Seats has no

idea the trouble he's in.

Where did you get this man? I grew up

behind the palace. Well, this

guy, man, hey, we should do an

act together, man. Forget teaching John,

teaching Castro. This time Banderas hits

his mark. Hey, what's going on in

there? I can't see.

It appears Antonio Banderas has

mistakenly taken out Fidel Castro,

thereby ending 40 years of communist rule

and leading this death match in chaos.

Dude, you k*lled my whole feed there.

Happy with my supplier. Very uncool now

teaches mad. What are you going to

do about it?

Fantastical turn of events. Teachers on

a rampage. Check it out,

it's a little game where you used to play

in the barrio man.

It's Fiesta time for teach. He's turned

Banderas into a human pinata.

You like it now?

Oh.

That was some hot blooded Latino action.

Who would have figured funny man cheats

would get the last laugh? Who indeed,

Nick. And coming up after the break,

we're off to glamorous The Hague,

Netherlands for our main event. Fabio,

Joko and Bono. Actually, Johnny, it's

Bono. Yeah, but Bono runs.

Welcome back to Deathmatch International.

If you're just joining us, we've already

spilled guts in two time zones, most

recently in gorgeous Havana. How did Cuba

treat your neck? Fine, except for those

overzealous. Not another cavity search.

The two longest hours of my life. Johnny.

Wow. Sounds painful. You have no idea. I

don't know what they were looking for in

there. I don't either. But I do know

this. Packed your ***** pack, folks.

We're going to the hammering in the hay.

They're coming to you live on tape

from The Hague, one of exciting the

Netherlands most scenic cities welcome.

And to our German fans, Phil Cummins,

you Frenchies out there, the old venue.

Hey Korea. Anyhow, Shanika and Tora

Bantu, friends from New London, it's the.

Perfect site for our main event match.

The HIG is a major diplomatic capital

home to the renowned International Court

of Justice. Speaking of justice Johnny,

there's going to be some death penalties

handed out tonight. We've got a three-way

global gorefest Amaji hate yes it's Fabio

Bono and. Yoko Ono Yoga.

Each of our contestants was carefully

chosen to represent a different part of

the globe, a different way of life and a

different fighting style. Plus, they all

end in all. So they do. Nick, what are

the odds? Let's hear what these

multinational mega stars had to say at

their press conference earlier today with

our own Stacey. Cornbread. Fabio. Fabio,

how do you feel about your first

death match? Usually I'm a lover, not

a fighter, but tonight I am loving

to crush heads. Mr. Bono of Rock

Band YouTube, would you please tell us

your predictions for tonight's bout? I'll

tell you something. The environment is

engraved. Senseless wars are

breaking out all over the world.

Children are starving and underdeveloped

countries. And that's why Fabio must

join.

You have tortured us exquisitely for

years with your artistic genius. What

cruel pleasures await us tonight? I will

fight like a Pebble caressed by an orphan

on a clear night.

So please enlighten us, where exactly are

you from? It is where the music

is always soft and the light is

always flattering. Do you go back often?

Only on holidays. Intriguing questions,

Provocative answers? Another exciting

deathmatch press conference. But enough

talk, Johnny. World w*r 3 is about.

Breakout. Here come our fighters.

Alright, global citizens. It's

international rules. Show anything

though, let's get it on.

How can you make informations when

they're children in Ireland when we

potatoes for shoes? You need to *** ****

more often. My friend Bono can't get a

grip on him. Lots of oil and absolutely

nobody here. That makes for one slippery

Fabio. Ohh, Fabio's opening up his w*r

chest. It really is a magnificent

specimen. Johnny, you are sad little man.

How do you expect to get the

ladies with those puny pegs? What in

the world is Yoko owner doing over

there in the corner? But it appears

to be a commentary on the absurdity

of modern big money sports. Panels

are his tempers flaring. It's Sunday.

Bloody Sunday for Fabio.

Here comes Bono and he's going into

the Dublin double twist. Ohh, that can't

feel good. One journal, lovely lady.

How are you today? Save your breath,

Mr. I closed that part of myself

long ago. That's God. He's almost as

beautiful as you are. Ohh. Well do

you call it? It is called infinite

can of whoop us. Let's stop bothering

me.

Big mistake by Yoko. They say

nobody can resist Fabios Nautica eyes.

Isn't that right, Nick? Thank you,

Nick. Oh, Oh my

God. Just Lotus blossom. I must be

alone with you. Dispose of this Irish

pest. Yes, my love.

And Goku goes to work with her

infinite channel footpaths. Looks like

this is the end for Bono. Tell

the Edge and what like $20 back?

Much for giving peace a chance. It is

done now. I am yours. We are going

to have a night to remember.

Look at that sofa bed. Fabio

really knows how to lay on

the charm. Come to my bed,

my love. Ecstasy awaits us. Ecstasy.

Get a grip, niche.

That screeching stuff is way out of line.

I don't care if these are international

rules, I won't allow it. Wow, I don't

know if we've ever heard Mills say those

words before. Now prepare for a kiss that

will take your breath away.

What a turnaround. Fabio is administering

the lip lock of death.

Oh oh bout that. Nick

Fabio's had the rug pulled

out from over here.

Dear Lord, Jocko's going right for

his pecks. Ohh.

What do you know Nick Fabio sure does

wear a lot of body enhancements. Hey,

caught me some slack. I am small bone.

By watching the golden sunset over

your dismembered corpse. Shut up. You

may break up The Beatles, but

you will not break me.

And it's bedtime for Yoko.

And winner is Fabio. Another

shocking finale here at Death

Match International. Turns out Fabio's

not so fabulous after all,

right Nick?

What a night. 3 fights, 3 nations,

lots of brutal deaths. What's wrong,

Nick? I heard inside. Don't tell me.

Another cavity search. Shut your pie

hole, Johnny. It's not that. Ohh, yes,

of course you're still broken up about

Fabio. I just feel so betrayed. The

big creep. I know, I know, but it

doesn't mean you shouldn't trust again.

Well, folks, we're all out of time. This

is Johnny Gomez saying good fight, good

night.