02x13 - Salute to Laughter

[bunniefuu]

Can a razor sharp wit slice and dice

stand ups number one vegetable? Can 2

grumpy old men still put the punch in

punch line? And what happens when 3

charitable megastars OfferUp some k*ller

material? Find out tonight. Only on

Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello, everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond, and you fight fans are in

for one heck of a good time. Get

ready to chuckle, everyone, because

tonight it's our salute to laughter,

otherwise known as Death Comedy Jam. Hey,

Johnny, Knock, knock. Who's there?

Orange. Orange. Who's orange? You're glad

we're going to see some bloody.

Totality.

Good one, Nick, and that's exactly what

we've got in store tonight because we've

got 7 legends of comedy in the Death

Match arena and they're ready to break

some funny bones.

But seriously, Nick, tonight's theme may

be lighthearted comedy, but our diehard

viewers can rest assured there will be

graphic violence and extreme savagery.

You had me worried there for a second.

First up, it's the brain versus the

buffoon. Late night smarty pants Dennis

Miller tries to teach wacky prop Meister

Carrot Top a lesson in. Then

the w*r of the Deadly One liner

Rodney Dangerfield tries to get some

respect from insult king Don Rickles. And

finally our main event Deathing, where

box office bags Billy Crystal, Robin

Williams and Whoopi Goldberg will try to

raise money for our very own Institute

for Rehabilitating Dismembered Celebrity.

But before our first bout, we've got a

special treat. It's celebrity death

matches, First ever open mic night. Let's

go to the ring where our very own

Stone Cold Steve Austin is M seeing the

Chuckle fest. Good evening ladies and

germs, and welcome to open mic night. Now

get ready to laugh your ***** off. We'll

be gauging the audience response. With my

patented celebrity death match laughing

matter. Now please give a warm death

match. Welcome to our first contestant, a

young man who calls himself Larry

Schoenberg. Come on up, Larry. Hey,

everybody. Hey. Hey. Do you like

impressions? OK, Here's Dustin Hoffman as

a handyman. I'm caulking here. I'm

talking here. Yeah. OK, Thank

you. OK, everybody remember Fantasy

Island? Well, that is Tattoo

as a dry cleaner.

The stain. The

stain. OK, alright.

Hey, thank you. You guys are good.

Back to you Nick and Johnny. Tough room

Nick. That was the rules. You either slay

the audience or you get sl*ve. More open

mic action later, but first we settle the

age-old question. Which is more lethal,

wacky props or pointed social satire in

the blue corner? The rampaging. Enter

the savage smartest Dennis Miller,

and in the orange corner

that Cutthroat kept his clown,

the terrifying Tuber Chariton.

Miller Top. I want a good clean fight

now hitting below the belt. I don't want

to get off on a rant here, but

this fight will be over faster than Luke

Perry's movie career. I mean this

infantile salad ingredient, college boy.

And keep your $3 words to yourself. Let's

get it on.

All right, look, everybody's

a club sandwich.

Take that out. Carrot Top opens with

a devastating visual pun. Score one for

prop comedy. Alright, you Alfred E Newman

wannabe, you're in more trouble than

Jesse Jackson. Had a clan fundraiser, huh?

I said I'm going to kick your asss, pal.

Ohh. When I'm done with you, the meal I

m*ssacre will look like a soak in a

jacuzzi at the Playboy mansion. What the

hell are you talking about? That explain

it for you, Einstein. Miller's using his

brain to cause some pain. Alright, check

it out. Look everybody, it's a. Who's

pick for the Jolly Green Giant?

Yeah, yeah, there's another one for you,

OHT. All right at

the top of his game. I don't want

to get off on a rant here, people,

but Karen Top makes me angrier than

Gloria Steinem at a Hooters board

meeting. Prop comedy. This guy makes

Gallagher look like Noël Coward. He's the

topo Gigio. See that? Look,

everybody, You've heard a punch in the

clock. Well, here's the clock that

punches back. Hey, Dennis, I'm gonna

clock you good. Karen Top has cut short

Dennis Miller's trademark ramp. That guy

puts the whack in wacky. OK, you freaking

hack. Time to whip out my secret weapon.

Here's a little combo courtesy of Chow

Young, Fat the Marquis. Assad and Shannon

Doherty at the wrong time of the month.

Miller as obscuring his fighting style as

he is in his references. Whatever he's

doing, it's working.

Hold up. Wait a minute. Look, everybody.

Look. It's Tennis Miller and get it.

Tennis Miller. Come on, man. Come on.

Advantage character. I got it. I got

it.

Damn it, this intellectual crap is

working about as well as Bob Dole's

private parts before Viagra's Time for

this comedian to get physical.

You want props, baby? I'll give youprops.

Ohh, unprecedented. Miller has done a



psychotic silliness. Well, he seems to be

twisting Carrot Top into a balloon

animal. What is that, Johnny? Some kind

of dog? Hey, look everybody, it's a

Kappy Barra. A

copy Barra. The world's largest rodent.

That's Miller for you. Even when he's

doing prop comedy, he's too smart for

the room. You suck it. Prop comedy?

Ohh, yeah. I think Miller's about to

write Chara top off.

Finally, a joke everyone can understand.

Unmitigated violence and winner is Dennis

Miller. What a match. Maybe Dennis

Miller should change his name to

Egghead. Egghead. Get it, Johnny, Get

it. Yeah, I get it. How

often Coming up on. That comedy

jam? Watch gruesome geezers Rodney

Dangerfield and Don Rickles go for the

jugular. Don't touch that remote.

Welcome back to our Deathmatch salute to

laughter, or as we like to call it, Death

Comedy Jam. Before we get to our next two

ferocious funny man, it's time for

another exciting installment of death

matches first. Ever open mic night? Take

it away. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Our

next contestant all the way from Long

Island, New York. It's Alan Roberts. Hey,

anyone here a professional wrestler? I'll

speak slowly. No, really, I don't know

about these wrestler guys. I mean, think

about it. They run around in tights.

Rubbing up against huge sweaty man, huh?

Go on, hey?

Back to you, Nick and Johnny. Stone

Cold was not amused. And that's the

bottom line. Our

next fight is no laughing matter. These

two elder statesman of comedy are dead

serious about cracking skulls. Don

Rickles, Rodney Dangerfield. Respected,

legendary and full of hatred. Their nasty

grudge started at New York's famed Friars

Club over lunch, a lunch that went

horribly awry. Rickles led by ordering

the corned beef sandwich. Rodney

countered with a tuna melt on rye. Then

the check came and Don was AWOL, the

old dine and dash brilliantly ex*cuted by

Mr. Rickles. Once again, Rodney

Dangerfield gets no respect. We're better

to settle such a serious score than in

the deathmatch ring. And according to

Fry's Club tradition, we're gonna settle

it with a roast. A roast deathmatch style

that is in the center of the ring.

We've installed an enormous grill heated

by 400 lbs of white hot coal briquettes,

and on the side, a deadly assortment of

giant cookout weapons. The stage is set

for a bloody BBQ. And here comes

our first fighter now, the Prince of

Put Downs, the Merchant of Venom, Mr.

Don Rickles. What the

hell you looking at, you hockey puck? Who

me? That's right, Gomez, do me a favor.

Make an appointment with a brain surgeon.

Lighten up, Johnny. You gotta have a

sense of humor about yourself. Hey,

Diamond, don't look now, but something

died on your head. Why you mother? Who

the do you think you're talking to? Nick.

Nick. Take it easy, folks. As you can

see, Rodney Dangerfield has his work cut

out for him, as everybody knows. Rodney's

got some serious self esteem issues and

it doesn't look like he's been logging a

lot of time at the gym. Ohh, I

got more gas than a Texaco station. I

think Mills is ready to start the rumble

for respect. All right, I think you 2

gentlemen are pretty damn hilarious.

However, I want a good clean.

No sheep shots, no dirty jokes, no

funny stuff. Well, maybe some funny

stuff. Let's get it on.

Hey, you wanna piece of me? Come on, I'll

give you a fat lip to match that. Fat

*****. Oh. Oh, yeah, sure. Same old

story. No respect. I'll tell you. As a

kid, I tried to breastfeed and my mother

told me she only liked me as a friend.

And man, are you ugly. You couldn't get a

date off a calendar?Tell me

about it, I went to a freak show and they

let me in for free. Ohh, say who picks

your clothes genius? Stevie Wonder. I

should be so lucky. Yesterday a moth flew

into my closet and threw up Rodney taking

up brutal beating out there. Why isn't he

fighting back? I don't know Nick, but if

he doesn't stand up to Rickles soon

Dangerfield will be in serious.

Feel. Hockey

puck you want some more?

Ohh, man, that's gonna leave him off now.

This match is really heating up. Ohh, you

like that, huh? Yo, mental defective.

Geez, this thing is so hot it could throw

up my wife. Well done by Rickles. Rodney.

Still offering absolutely no resistance.

Don't worry, this won't hurt. I'm sure

you haven't felt anything down there

since the Truman. Administration. Oh, oh,

man. I'll tell you, I'm switching. I'm

switching. Yeah. Let me help you with

that. Ohh, Brickles gets

busy with the spatula. Come here. Ohh,

you're so old you were on the guest list

for Noah's Ark. Why? If you're IQ any

lower, dummy, you trip on it.

You're such a loser. You're finished last

in the human race. Yeah. Wow, you're so

ugly. Well, yeah. Probably aren't so

popular with the ladies. Yeah. Is it just

me, or was that last insult a little

weak? You're so fat. You're well, Yeah.

You're not very thin. I never thought I'd

see the day. Got it. And exhausted

Brickles seems to have run out of

material. OK, cue ball. Now I'm going to

teach you some respect. Now here's an R

Block my kidneys. Here's me. Incredible.

Rodney Dangerfield has turned this roast

around. The old Ropeadope maneuver.

Rodney let Brickles tire himself out, and

now he's on a roll. And the last?

Not least Here comes a tea.

Unbelievable. Mr. Warmth is toast,

everybody. This guy is so

dead. Well,

I'll tell you, he's so dead the

vultures have to make reservations. Now

who wants a drumstick? Another shocking

twist. Turns out the Sultan of Self

deprecation had some confidence after

all. Well said, Nick. Up next. Three

huge talents, one damn fine cause death.

They prepare. Take care if you're just

joining us. We've already mixed giggles

and gore in two hilariously deadly fights

before our star-studded main event. It's

time for get another amusing installment

of death matches open mic night. What

have you got for us, Stone Cold Steve

Austin? Thanks, Nick. People, put your

hands together for our final contestant.

All the way from New Jersey, a fellow

by the name of Joseph Piscopo. Hey,

everybody, how you doing? Thank you.

Thank you. Please allow me to pay tribute

to the late, great chairman of the board.

Start spreading the news, baby. I was

telling Dean and Sammy the other day that

I like the way they wear. Their

hats ring a Ding, Ding, baby.

Kapish. OK, OK, I got one.

I know you guys are going

to remember. Here's everybody's favorite

character, Doug Weiner. It's too corny

in here. Why are the lines

to the bathroom so long? Wait

a second. Nick. Joseph Piscopo. That's

no rank amateur. That's former Saturday

Night Live star Joe Piscopo. A sad state

of affairs, Johnny. Maybe Stone Cold will

take pity on the poor guy.

Outpatient.

No mercy from Stone Cold. His barrage

of fatal fruit has reduced Joe Piscopo

to a bloody pulp. Well, you know

what they say, comedy is hard, dying

is easy. And now another special treat.

Our very first death match telethon,

Death Aid 99 tonight's. Exciting hosts

Billy Crystal, Robin Williams and Whoopi

Goldberg, these three stars are notorious

for their contributions to worthy causes,

and this ones as good as any.

After you see this shocking video, we

think you'll agree. Can we roll the

tape please?We all enjoy

the spectacle of successful stars being

torn to pieces in violent combat, but

how many of us think about the

consequences? Take a look at these faces

and legs and arms. They need help.

Here at the Institute for Dismembered

Celebrities, we have specialists working

around the clock. To try to figure

out a way to put these beloved stars

back together again, even busy

entertainer Robin Williams has brought

his gift of sunshine to this very special

place.

There there. Tonight you

can help by pledging your support. Just

call 555. MAIM operators are standing by,

so give till it hurts. While we

take your calls. Our dynamic Death 8

host will be doing what they do

best, making funny Johnny. I think it's

Showtime. Don't look now. It's the

star of Flubber, Robin Williams, Mr.

Saturday Night, Billy Crystal, and last

but not least, she made us

laugh in Jumping Jack Flash, and

she made us cry and bogus

Whoopi Goldberg. Hey, yo, I feel

great at that thing. Ohh I

feel the love in the room and

I feel a song coming on.

Give my regards to death match.

Remember Me to old Mills Lane.

Tell all the g*ng in the

arena there will soon be tons

of pain. I yearn from you

to lation, decapitation and much more.

Give my regards to death match.

The place for good time. God,

now that's entertainment. Let's keep

those calls coming in, Nick. No

one's called in. Ohh. Hallelujah. Let

us put our hands on our

blessed while it's in reach for

our holy credit cards. Amen. Listen

up, people. Moving my blackness till

you'll start calling Death 899 is off

to a sluggish start. You know what

I feel? Another song coming on Death

Match. Nothing. Ohh. Sorry Robin, it was

an accident. Don't worry about it, Billy.

It's showbiz. Accidents happen. Now break

a leg. Ohh, kick. The knee is

no laughing matter. Ohh, things are

really heating up in the ring. That's

what the fans came to see. Johnny.

You know what, Robin? Europe. Marvelous.

The phones are ringing. Nick. Looks like

Robin Williams and Billy Crystal have

figured out how to reach the deathmatch

audience. This is turning into a blood

drive, Johnny. All right, Crystal, this

is going to hurt almost as much as

watching city slickers, too. Ohh. OK,

people, I'm going to redecorate your

faith. I think your nose wants to be over

here. We're

ranking it in now. Stay here with her,

Snapper. Time to learn you some manners

like we did in the old days.

Robin Williams, what a genius. His mind

works as fast as his fists. This telethon

is turning into a t*rture thon, but we'll

take donations anyway we can get them.

Romans death match fans, lend me your

ears. Mary Jane

Reed, lend me your whole head.

Ohh. Well, so long

Pilgrim, that nice rasping with you.

Hello. Hello. That just warms your heart.

Nick. Referee Mills Lane has come to

the aid of a very overworked Stacy

Cornbread Diners Club. I'll allow it.

Wow. It feels good to k*ll for

a good cause. Time to raise some

more money. Oh, Whoopi. You mess with

me. And you. Whoopi is

short for Whooping Ohh.

Up to the ham, baby. Booby stops rubbing

in his tracks, but it'll take more than

a 5 finger sandwich to slow him down.

Hello hand, nice to meet you. Palms away.

Ohh, wake up. Paul slaps Whoopi back to

reality. This Hollywood square is on a

rampage. She's setting up Robin for a

fabulous as*ault. True or false? Rob

Williams is the most annoying comedian in

show Business Today. I'm sorry it's true.

Snappy comeback by Whoopi. She didn't get

to be center square for nothing. Ohh

OK funny man, time to give you

a lesson in comedy 1st. Every joke

has a setup and a punchline. Then

there's that rule that funny things come

in threes. If you kick someone once,

well, you gotta kick him two more times.

And finally, to paraphrase Woody

Allen, if a Benz is

funny. And

if it breaks, you're dead. Unbelievable.

And the numbers keep on climbing. The

winner is Whoopi Goldberg. And also that

place with all the celebrity body part.

What a show. 2 Dead Stars, $2,000,000

There are a lot of happy limbs

and torsos at the institute right now.

In fact, Nick, I think we

have a visitor. Ladies and gentlemen,

our very special guest, Adam Sandler's

Liver. Liver. We'd like to present

you with this check for $2,000,000.

This is Johnny Gomez saying good fight,

good night and get well soon.