02x15 - Robot Nicky

[bunniefuu]

That has been a comeback kid. Former

child stars look back in anger. 2 deadly

Divas answer the musical question. Who

will be leaving in a body bag? The

British film Bob tries to make over his

image without getting his face

rearranged. Tonight on Celebrity

Deathmatch. Hello again, everybody.

I'm Johnny Gomez. And I'm Nick Diamond.

This crowd knows it's going to get it's

filled tonight, Nick. They want blood and

they don't want to wait. That's right,

Johnny. Not one of these matches will go

to overtime, but they'll all end in

sudden death. I know you can't wait for

our second bout, a clash of city versus

country. Hip hop honey. Lauryn Hill takes

on country cutie Shania Twain. Yowza.

Battle of bare midriffs, Johnny, this

spot will be so easy on the eyes.

I'm not even mad that management vetoed

my Jamaican vacation. Sorry Nick, I know

how badly you want it to go. No

problem with all the action-packed

violence on tap. Tonight I feel like I'm

on vacation anyway. Really. Because

you're sure birching about it yesterday I

I wasn't myself. If there's anything I

like better than watching babes with hard

bodies on the beach, it's babes with hard

bodies battling to the death. Thanks for

sharing, Nick. Of course, haven't even

that's. Back your ground bro.

And that should be.

There are paper clips stuck to your head.

I use those sometimes to clip paper.

Let's get tonight's action started. Our

first bout matches 2 huge child stars of

the 80s, Rick Schroeder of Silver Spoons

and Gary Coleman of Different Strokes.

Schroeder has gone on to adult stardom on

the respected hit NYPD Blue. That's

right, Johnny, with all that. Swearing

and nudity. It's one of the few quality

shows on TV. Meanwhile, Gary Coleman

can't get arrested in Hollywood except by

the LAPD. He's been charged with battery

and sentenced to take anger management

classes. That may help them in society,

but it won't help him in a death match.

Let's look at the tale of the tape, a

full grown. And at 6 foot 2

and 170, Coleman still 48, but

has definitely put on a few

pounds. Schroeder, tough TV cop. Coleman

works as a male security guard.

Schroeder happily married. Coleman

divorced his parents. Let's go down

to the ring, ladies and gentlemen.

In the Blue Corner, the star

of numerous movie and TV hits,

including NYPD Blue. Rick Schroeder.

End in the red corner,

the star of Different Strokes

and well, did I mention

different strokes? Gary Coleman.

I don't care if you're both child stars

in my ring, you'll fight like mature

adults to the death. Let's get it on.

This is Matt from Tim. Come back. Gary

Colman's career ain't dead yet. But you

are. Ricky. Listen, friend, I don't know

who you are, but this ring is my

jurisdiction and you're going down. It

looks like Schroeder is trying some cop

tactics to get a rise out of Gary. Now.

Now may say what? I was huge in 82. You

had nothing. That catch phrase? I'm sure

you did, little fella. You were nothing

but a high blessed punk ***** Richie Rich

clone according to TV Guide. I'm a

revelation to a whole new generation of

viewers. They don't even know the name of

that other show. Don't you mean silver

spoons? Low blow from Coleman? Whatever

it's called, it's behind me and people

don't need to hear about it.

Silver spoon, silver spoons. I had a

catch phrase. You had deadly.

Schroders gonna lay down the law now,

Johnny. Listen, Hump, I busted my ask to

get where I am and if you keep

bringing up these historical issues,

things are going to go hard on you.

What you talking about, Ricky?

Saying you're protracted discussion of

yesteryear is giving me pause. What you

talking about Ricky? Ohh. I'm saying I

strongly suggest you cease and desist

with the cracking wise. And if you say

that freaking catch phrase one more time,

no, you don't get it. I really don't

know what the hell you talking about.

That's it, I'm going NYPD.

Ohh, it looks like Schroeder has him in

an ill*gal cheek hole. That kind of

brutality might get a stern reprimand

from City Hall, but it's perfectly legal

here at Deathmatch. What Schroeder doing

now, Nick? It looks like she's pulling

out an evidence bag. If he's looking for

blood or chunks of hair, it shouldn't be

a problem. There are bits of. Gary all

over the ring. He's put Colman's entire

body inside a plastic bag. Amazing,

especially when you realize it's quart

sized now. Schroeder with the old shake

and bait. It

sounds like some of the fans have a

personal stake in this match. You stink

soda. Come on, guy. You can do it.

You're right, Nick. It's Sammo Hung of

TV's Martial Law and Dennis Franz of NYPD

Blue. He's hurting Gary, my protege.

You're training Coleman. Well, I got news

for you there. Come on, that little

Appalachian can't fight his way out of a

plastic bag tree. Used to hiking. Dog.

Dog might die. What you talking about,

Sam? I'll kick him in the ba*ls.

Gary Coleman on the loose and on the

rampage now while I go rent that cap on

yo asss. Scott, Ricky

by The Silver Spoons. Now I'm gonna

refresh your memory about 1982. For

starters, you had a high girly voice.

Yeah, that's the one. And you weren't

so dope. You were much closer to

the brown. Here's one from Samo.

Looks like we're seeing eye to eye again,

Ricky. You remember my name now Kiss my

bear. NYPD blue ***** Remember Me now I

remember you. I admitted I was pretending

not to know. I know it. I'm not

forgotten. I'm as big as ever. And it

looks like I'm bigger than you again too.

I know you. You're Rodney

Allen. Rippy, right? Emmanuel Lewis.

Gary Coleman has had enough.

Punky Brewster. Garry's got to be

ecstatic. He's somebody again. He must

feel about 5 feet tall. And the winner

is Georgie Coleman. Gary Coleman. Ohh,

yeah. You helped k*ll my buddy and now

I'm not going to take you out back

and beat you for that.

Before your words could describe the

horror you will still know, but your

English only 1/3 of March. Well Nick,

there's an extra treat. Our next death

match should have a healthy dose of

police brutality with those going Nick, I

don't ask about your personal quirks, but

when it starts affecting the job.

Nick, my God, what's wrong with your face?

Did I sneeze in my mustache again?

And ready for our second fight of

the night. For God's sakes, man, you're

a robot. What have you done with

Nick Nickerson? Jamaica, I'm just

tempting. You're temping so Nick could

still have his vacation.

Hello, Nick. It's Johnny, and I know all

about the robot that they need, huh?

Amazing the stuff you can get from The

Sharper Image catalog. Nick, this is

serious. The integrity of the game, the

very sanctity of death match is at stake

here. Come on, Johnny, it's sportscasting

a monkey. To do it. Ohh. Wait. Of

course I'm not saying you're a monkey.

That's it. You've gone too far this time,

Diamond. The absurdity of it. No robot

could possibly fathom the mosaic of human

emotion that is Death Match. I can see

I've been imprinted with Nick's memory so

that while I'm a soulless robot. I

retained next personality. Ohh, that's

great. So you know everything that Nick

knows, huh? Where were you last Saturday

night at 10? Lying face down in a

puddle of my own vomit.

OK then let's give this a shot. Ladies

and gentlemen, get ready for our second

fight of the night. Lauren Hill versus

Shania Twain in this box. CW meets R&B

and someone's going to wind up DOA. Not

bad, Nick. This feud began at a recent

award show where the two Divas tied for

mainstream artists of the year. Yo, I'm

not mainstream. I'm I'm a rapper. I'm for

real. She deserved this. You're saying

I'm not for real, right? What kind of

rapper, Stars and sister act too? What

about you, Miss Canadian? Not from

Nashville, not even from this country.

Country. And what's up with that midriff?

You look like a stripper, phony poser.

That celebrity spat followed its natural

path and of course, led to a death

match. Now, since Lauren is accused of

hip hop hypocrisy and Shania with a lack

of country, Craig each will fight with

weapons from their home turf. It's got to

be country versus city down home versus

home girl. Let's go to the ring.

You'll notice, Nick, that Shania's

country corner is chock full of hay

bales, farm tools and barnyard brick a

brack. Ohh, the smell of wet livestock

intoxicating. You are like Nick, aren't

you? Check out Laurence St. Corner,

Johnny. A shout out to our props

department. We moved. Actual corner from

outside her recording studio in New York

City. With you lovely ladies

here on either side of me, there's only

one thing on my mind. Let's get it on.

Hey Shanaya, what's that thing?

Ohh, gotcha. Hello.

Lauren has just turned Shania's trademark

naval from an enemy to an Audi. I hope

it's insured by Lloyds of London. That's

her livelihood. Good point, Nick, you're

really on your game tonight. But look

out. Shania has come out swinging.

Ohh Lauren just got slapped by that dirty

hoe. You messing with the dreads? That

took me years and now washing Lauren is

on the attack trying to beat her with her

meter.

Now you're looking country Daisy, mate.

I love your new look Lauren parked at

meter right outside Shania's head. And

change the course of this fight.

Come on, Hank Junior, let's reeducate

Miss Hill with some bird shot.

Sanaya really knows how to work

a ticket. Lauren's getting shows, she

better watch it. Ohh, that cholesterol

come k*ll the city girl could

wind up c*ck dead. Come on,

egghead, you wanted authentic country,

you're going to get it.

Holy cow, a milking machine. Can anybody

get one of those now? How do

you work this thing? Let me show

you. It's like Lauren has

turned the tables and is going to

milk Shania. My God, she's hooking the

machine up to her her her nostrils.

Oren using her St. smarts

to full advantage. She's actually

milking Shanaya's brain. Hey Shanaya

got brains?Like Shanaya's

past her expiration date. I'll go get the

cookie. Is

Lauryn Hill good observation. It's a

pleasure working with you. I like working

with you too, Johnny. And coming from a

robot, you know that's the truth. So

robots only tell the truth. Say, Nick, at

last year's Christmas party, did you

really get to second base with Stacey

Cornbread, like you said?No, real Nick

hasn't been with an actual woman in

years. I could find out everything Nick

knows, but he does think about your wife

a lot. Hey,

Johnny. Oh, I got an early flight back.

Hope you're not mad. Maybe we can head

out for dinner tonight. Nothing fancy.

Just you, me, your wife. There's no

reason to come back, Nick. I'll buy.

Ever.

Welcome to the show. I must say You've

done a bang up job tonight partner.

You're a total pro, unlike the real Nick.

Plus your commentary is so much clearer.

As a robot, I'm not dependent on liquid

cold medicine to get me through the day.

Like Nick, you are a font of valuable.

And it's all true, by the way, that

eyeliner really works for you. Alright,

very funny, Nick, you are right, it does

make you look more mysterious. We've got

a lot of ground to cover, so let's

get to our main event quickly in

tonight's finale, Hugh Grant in an

attempt to change his pants up. Light

image in Hollywood and to tap into those

lucrative action picture roles, we'll

take on all comers in a battle to the

death. If you survives, he'll wear the

title Toughest Man in Hollywood and

undoubtedly get bumped to the $20 million

per picture range. Let's go down to the

ring where you Grant is ready and waiting

for any and all challengers. That's

strange. She isn't here yet. What could

Hugh possibly be doing? Wait. Oh Oh

dear. Ohh. Yes. Ohh. That's it. Ohh.

I'm coming.

******** late again. Ohh, dreadfully

sorry. Don't you save your apologies for

the Leno show. Let's get it on. Here

we go Nick. With his career hanging in

the balance, will Hugh Grant to a

smashing job or will he just end up,

as the British say, a bloody awful?Yes,

let's see what Hollywood hell Razor

wants. The first beast. Holy smokes. We

were looking for tough men, but we may

have landed the toughest of them all.

It's the enforcer, the man who hits with

Magnum Force and Sudden Impact. Clint

Eastwood. You're not going to stand in my

way, Eastwood. This is going to be the

turning point in my career. I suppose it

will be after I k*ll you. Ohh

wow. Looks as fit as ever Nick.

I haven't seen him this frisky since

the bathtub seen in Bridges of Madison

County. Hugh has been taking this kind

of beating since the reviews for Extreme

Measures. You could have stayed in your

silly. But

you had to stray into my jurisdiction,

didn't you, punk? A man's got to know

his limitations. It looks like you took

that one on his sturdy chin. Ohh.

Terribly sorry. Did I hurt you, old man?

Who you calling old man? No, no, no.

It's a saying. It's. British, beg your

pardon? Please. Please don't use your

watch, who you're calling old punk. Ohh.

Seeing as how this is a 45 Magnum,

the most powerful handgun in the world,

it's not a 45 now is it? No,

no, it's a tube of hemorrhoidal ointment

actually. How embarrassing for you. You

just wrote your own.

Damn, I guess it'll just be you and me,

Mano Amano. Take your best shot, punk.

Really. So you're saying just pop you

one, You know, right. Right in that

dimple in your chin. Go ahead. Make my.

Flint can't take the hits like you used

to. Broken. Tough

break for Clint or anyone his age.

What a turnabout. Clint inflicted most of

the punishment, but it looks like Hugh

could actually win this one. Sorry about

this old man. I'm not old, whatever.

Kyle, it looks like the impact turned

clinched buddy to dust. He probably

wasn't getting enough calcium.

Damn, my my sinuses are clogged with

Clint Eastwood. I I suppose he was gritty

after all. Yes, and Hugh Grant is still

standing, but this fight is far from

over. Who will be the next Hollywood

hooligan to take up the challenge?

Please, would you cover your mouth when

you sneeze? It's only polite. Hugh Grant

better brace himself. It's the bad

Lieutenant. The Piano Man, The reservoir

dog. Harvey Keitel. Gentlemen, it's my

understanding that a Mr. Hugh Grant is

hoping to be crowned tough man in hopes

of stealing movie roles that rightfully

belong to me. A real tough man Harvey

Keitel relaxed. They're not the same

roles because you're just a character

actor, whereas I am a leading man. Ohh.

Many of your star vehicles could have

benefited from my rough and tumble

presence. Imagine that we just adjust the

premises. Like for example, nine months

in intensive care, no weddings, just

your. The Englishman that

went into the ring and got his

***** kicked by Harvey Keitel.

You think your punches hurt, little man?

I've taken worse. Here's something I

learned from Elizabeth Hurley.

I'm afraid you're not seeing things

clearly. Perhaps your winky, blinky

eyelids are in the way. You're still

think you're tough, man. How about now?

How about now? What about that whole lot

of shaking going on? Johnny? That's

enough to rattle Hughes confidence. Good.

Warmer. Now I'm ready to inflict some

serious damage to your person. No, but

Are you ready for this? Oh my God,

I don't believe it. You has unleashed the

most cruel weapon of all time. More

intense than the sheet of 1000 Suns. His

pasty white British skin a bit pushed on

him. How about a drink? Water, water,

good water. I'll do you one.

How about a

Harvey Wallbanger?

The new toughest man in Hollywood you

are. Excuse me up here. God, I've

been raising my hand forever. Can I

get into your little tough game thingy?

Hold on. Everyone's not finished yet.

It's News Radios. Andy ****. Swell name,

but he's. We'll match for you tonight,

Johnny. After dealing death to Eastwood

and Keitel, this Andy won't amount to

Nick. Ohh, I'd put a rope there. Hey,

you're not tough. You're nothing but a

silly bumbling doofus. Couldn't be more

wrong. Or I'm a rabble rouser. Plus, I've

got a lot more heart than you.

With them. Prove it Fine, I

will, huh. Oops.

So ohh God do that.

Hey, what kind of heart is this? Say

it looks like Hugh Grant is a robot

too. I guess he's not so tough after

all. But if that's a robot, then where's

the real hue? Probably out somewhere,

enjoying himself. Last, I guess I have

some more explaining to do. Say you, Was

that you in the car?The divine or

was it the robot? No, it was. It was

me. I'm afraid. But. But don't tell

Elizabeth woman. That was some match,

Johnny. And you look great doing it. The

eyeliner, the Rouge. I don't think you're

vain. Button it. R2D2. I mean, if a woman

can have bee stung lips, why not you? I

say go ahead. With the collagen. What is

wrong with you tin man? Ohh how do

I shut this thing up? Go for the

hard buddy, right?



Johnny Gomez saying good fight, good

night.