02x18 - From the Streets of New York

[bunniefuu]

Greetings and salutations, fight fans.

I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond.

And tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch,

we're taking it to the streets, the

streets of New York City. To be exact,

we are real live Celebrity deathmatch

fans will get a chance to see their

favorite deathmatch fights of all time.

So without any further ado, let's get it

on. Hello Sir, tell us who you are and

where you're from. Hi, I'm Tom from Fort

Lee, NJ. Ohh, the great state of New

Jersey. Tell me Tom, why do they call it?

Garden State I've never once. Johnny, why

don't you play that Oprah and Springer

one again for me? OK, buddy? Ohh, yes,

terrifying three-way tussle. As I recall,

that one took place in the Dome of

Devastation. Ohh. I'd all I remember is

is Springer jumping in and getting his

**** kicked and I was happy about that.

He had it coming to him. Tom, let's see

that fight again. You're

nothing but a cheap slug. Ohh

damn. OHS on the receiving end

of the punishment Jack. It's a

brutal slugfest here. These two ladies

are really hammering each other.

At this rate, neither 1 is going to last

much longer.

Rosie, wait, this guy has us all

riled up. And

to fight. It's spring. Or we should be

worrying about, right? Yeah, you're

absolutely right. Let's get them away.

The 2 ladies have joined forces again.

Amazing. They buried their hatchets with

each other and are now turning the heat

on. Jerry, Jeremy. It looks like they're

working towards them. Double wishbone

again. Wow, this move really

burns me in. What about my

final thought? Sorry pal, you just

had your final thoughts. Wow.

Yeah, it's very Springer is out. Oprah

and Rosie have teamed up to tear him up.

And with the double wishbone, the trash

talk tightened his toast. You got to hate

that double wishbone, Johnny. Sometimes I

forget how lucky we are to be up here

away from the fray. Miss, what is your

name? My name is Zoya. From Brooklyn

Joya, what's your favorite death match? I

like the one with Calista Flockhart and

Lucy Lawless. Ally Mcbeal versus Xena the

warrior Princess. Not exactly 2 peas in a

pod. Lucy really dished out a healthy

feeding to poor old Calista. She jumped

off the ropes and jumped on the broken

bones. That

was funny, ohh. I liked when

when she ate her up, she ate a lot. She

taught well. I don't know if 8 is the

right word for what Xena did to her, but

would you like to see that fight again?

Yes, I'd love to see it again.

Excuse me, let's see, would you mind

making some copies for me? She's taking

on heroes and vengeful guards, but she

doesn't seem to fit into the corporate

world. How much punishment can one

medieval woman take? It looks like the

listeners showing more range as a role

model than we expected, unless things

change. Cody will be the

watchwords for tomorrow's women. Ohh.

Breathtaking. Campbell by Lucy Lawless It

looks like Calista Flockhart has caught

up in the devastating rectal clutch.

If Mills rules that move legal

Lucy Lawless may have changed the

momentum of this fight, I'll allow

it. For those viewers just

tuning in, Calista Flockhart is currently

up Lucy Lawless's, but there's just no

other way to say it. I'm not sure

where she's going with this.

If Lucy nails this landing, it looks like

Calista Flockhart will be completely

taken out of this fight. The pressure

must be immense. She needed to nail it,

and she did. What an incredible finish to

a great fight. Who's next? Yes, Sir. Who

are you and where are you from?Her

name is Tucson. I'm from the Bronx. The

South Bronx. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm here

in Times Square checking out MTV here to

talk about the celebrity death match.

Glad to have you, Toussant. Tell us which

fight you'd like to see again. One with

what was it recently?

It was Marilyn Manson and.

You can't get this guy name man.

Ohh damn. Yo, Charles Manson. Yeah, yeah,

there you go. There you go. That was that

was the reason why Charles Manson and

Molly Mansion. Ohh, yes. The fight where

Marilyn Manson claimed the title of most

evil man in America. It's one of my

favorites right there. I think that would

be very entertaining. I think a lot of

people like to see that too, and why not?

It's a death match classic and it's

coming your way. Right now. There's the

bell and Charles Manson's not wasting

anytime. Ohh. Thunderous right hand from

Maryland since Charles reeling back

against the rope. That's gotta hurt.

Charles taking a moment to recover now.

And he's back on his feet, Charles Manson

close now, working the body and it looks

like ohh headbutt sends him down again.

Marilyn really letting him know who's in

charge. This is what the crowd came to

see. Johnny, I can't agree more.

Charles off the ropes and he's got

Marilyn in a stranglehold. He's sizing

him up now, looking for an opening. Ohh,

he beat him. I can't believe girls taking

a chunk out of Maryland's left shoulder.

Charles on the attack again, but

Marilyn's ready for him.

Charles is down.

And he's out. And the winner is

Marilyn Manson. And now it's time to

play. Name that move. A wholesome,

friendly day turned gruesome when all

American entertainers Donnie and Marie

Osmond went to town on Eric and

Julia Roberts. But by the end of

the bout, their sibling rivalries. Spun

out of control and Donnie and Marie

turned on each other. What was the name

of the movie that helped break up the

Osmond family? Was it A the Provo palette

cleanser? B the Mormon Munch? C the Utah

Jazz box? The answer? We go to Doctor

Geek from Venice Beach, California. Girl,

name that move. Get ready to lose your

lunch. The name of that move is the

Mormon Munch, her doctor. You are

correct. For those of you just tuning in,

we're on the streets of New York City

giving our fans a chance to see their

favorite deathmatch fights of all time.

Young lady, what's your name? My name is

Martina. And I'm from California. Ohh,

all the way from California. And are

you having fun in New York City?

Yes. Well, that's. Well. Hey, I have

a question for you. What's your favorite

television show? Moisha. Moisha. Moisha.

What the hell are you talking about?

Nick Martinez. Do you watch Celebrity

Deathmatch?This, I think, is very funny.

What do you like about it? Well, I like

the way the characters always get hit in

the head during the celebrity death

match. Who doesn't love a good sharp blow

to the head? And do you have a favorite

fight? Yes, I like the one where Jim

Carrey and Mariah Carey fought together.

And Mariah Carey. Hit a very high

note and she busted him into pieces.

Ohh yes some memorable fight. Man

sometimes I still have trouble hearing

the doorbell. I would like to see

that fight because it's very funny and

if you're sad it'll make you happy.

Then let's see that fight again.

She's looking to take him out. And

another miss. You turn Ohio's down.

Hello. My name's Mariah Carey. I thought

I could win a wrestling match against

Jim Carrey. I must be a total

asset. No more

Mr. Nice Guy.

Oh, Oh no, that's it.

Jim's locked up, Mariah and

the legendary sleeper Hold on

three, she's out.



She's up. Let's fight people. Mario's

woozy, but it looks like she has a

plan. No.

What a note, a beautiful voice and

a beautiful lady.

I'm covering my ears now, Johnny. What?

Ohh.

Smoking.

Jim Carrey goes down in a blaze of

bloodshed. I tell you, John, for a little

lady, that Mariah Carey's got some set of

lungs. Ohk. OK. Who's next? My name is

Jack. Welcome to the show, Jack. And what

do you do for a living? I'm an eye

closer. And a sardine factory. I see. And

what do you do when you're not working?

The Sardine Factory. I like TV. I like

playing in bed and pushing the little

buttons all the way up to 78. Do you

and your friends at the Sardine Factory

like to watch celebrities fight? I like

celebrities. Say Jack, how would you like

to see Robert De Niro fight Al Pacino?

What do you want him to do? No, I

said. Do you wanna see Robert De Niro

fight Al Pacino? You wanted to fight? You

like people fighting each other? Sure. We

love that around here. Well, I'd rather

watch girls, you know, as they passed by.

I still look at women, you know? But I'm



But I forgot why we don't have pretty

girls. But we do have an ugly battle

between two top notch actors. Oh oh,

Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. I'd like

to see De Niro fight Pacino. Why not

let him have a good time? I think

you're going to like it, Jack. Whenever

you say I don't care.

Then you know you're nothing to me now.

You're not an actor, you're not a friend.

I don't want to know you or what you do.

I don't want to see you in Tribeca. I

don't want you near my house. When you

see Brando, I want to know what day in

advance so I won't be there, understand?

And Pacino comes out fighting with his

award-winning Michael Corleone. Up with

Panera? Yeah, he's hardly putting up a

fight. Give him a second, Mitch. He's

been playing a lot of nice guys lately.

Hit me.

Hit me again. Hit me again. Now I

get it, Nick. He's doing Jake Lamotta

from Raging Bull, my favorite De Niro

role. Man, that guy could really take a

punch. I'm asking you, hit me again. Will

you hit me? This is some strange

strategy. De Niro's taking an awful

beating, but for what?Whoa. So look

at Pacino. Johnny De Niro is slowly, very

slowly, wearing him down. In fact, he's

worn Pacino's fist to the wrist. You

didn't get me down. Now you didn't get

me down. Hello there, Sir.

And what is your name? I'm Caesar from

Queens. Thanks for being with us, Cesar,

is there a favorite deathmatch fight that

you've been wanting to see play that

fight with Jerry Garcia and Elvis. Jerry

Garcia and Elvis Caesar. I'm not familiar

with that one. Hang on a SEC, Johnny. It

rings a bell, but I can't quite. Remember

how you doing? Me. I couldn't be better.

Why do you wash? Wait, Nick, I think

I know what Caesar's talking about.

Remember a while back when you hit your

head real bad but you put off the

podium? I think that's right. And the

coma. Ohhh, yeah, the coma. It was funny

because they had Jimi Hendrix. In the

background and Jeremy didn't really want

to fight. It's coming back to me now,

Johnny. As clear as day. What a rush.

Now let's fight, fight. I don't want

to fight, man. I just want to

hang. Everybody was just like, yo, this

is doing a little Kung Fu fighting.

Don't mind, it's like now you're going to

get a piece of the king. Far out, man.

That's the King's first in your stomach,

fat boy, and here's some Kung Fu with

that big hairy, funny looking head of

yours. Ohh

hey get lost. Ohh

this is uncool.

Everybody wants it.

Oh, oh, oh,

Elvis takes one

in the pelvis.

Ohh.

Far out, the king is dead.

Boy, it was really out there. Well, it's

good to have you back now. And once

again, it's time to play. Name that move.

When Canadian cutthroat Alanis Morissette

took on her bitter vandwelling enemy

Jewel in a ladder match, it was Alanis

who dished out most of the punishment

named this move that helped put Jewel.

Way was it A the right guard RIP

B the Ottawa armpit pluck. See the

Winnipeg wax job. Hi, I'm Jessica from

the Upper West Side of Manhattan and that

is what we call the Winnipeg wax job.

Jessica, you are correct. These death

match fans are a sharp bunch. Hey Nick,

you said it Johnny. Well, who do we

have up next? I'm my name is Jenny and

I'm originally from Newport Beach, CA,

but I live in New York now. So what can

we do for you, Jenny, Nick and Johnny? I

wanna see Gandhi kick Genghis Khan's asss

again. The ball bull from India versus

the medieval madman from Central Europe.

Going head to head in the ring courtesy

of the Deathmatch Time machine. Let's

take a look.

OK, gentlemen, you're both from the past,

but only one of you has a future. Now

let's get it on.

Wow, look at him go Gandy apparently

renouncing his philosophy of nonviolence

or philosophy of w*r. Pass. Here it

is, the new telling Devastator. They love

that move back in India. Oh my

God, he's got the turnbuckle and he's

feeding Jacobs senseless with it. Give.

Extra points for resourcefulness. Ohh,

those spikes, donkey. No biting

in the. Yeah, OK.

I'll allow it.

Ohh.

Genghis Khans cries for mercy are falling

upon deaf ears and fingers is thrown from

the ring. He better get it together

because Gandhi is right on his tail.

Have faith in your own time period. Make

that con because Gandhi has a lot of

aggression saved up for you.

Great use of The Time Machine.

Sir, what is your name and where are you

from? John Paulson. I'm from Edmonton,

AB, Canada, all the way from Canada. Hey,

do you know Brian Adams? You. So, John,

what fight would you like to see again?

Nick and Johnny? I want to see Madonna

and Michael Jackson again. The Material

Girl versus the King of Pop. Truly a

match made in hell, don't you think? I

just love the way. Michael Jackson's

face went back to 1979 and he just looks

so good back in 1979. OK, well let's see

that again. Hang on a SEC, Johnny. Sure.

If you don't mind my asking, what is up

with your voice? While I was watching the

Madonna and Michael Jackson fight, I was

screaming so loud for Madonna and she

actually won. I screamed so loud I lost

my voice, you know?That's nothing to be

proud of.

Ohh, look at Michael Moonwalk his way out

of trouble, smooth as silk. You know he's

quick as you used to be Madonna, and now

it's your career that's over.

I don't know if that acid is strong

enough to eat through Michael's plastic

surgery. Apparently

it is Nick. That's his old face

circa 1978. You just spoiled half

$1,000,000 worth of cosmetic surgery. I'm

gonna take it out on your *****.

Come and get me, Sissy boy. Ohh.

Nick, we've seen this before in Michael's

videos. I think he's going to use some of

that moonwalker magic to morph himself

into a deadly animal.

Hey, what's going on? How? How did you

get so damn big? You've just seen your

last ray of light.

That's the way, Nick. It's just

too horrible. And now who's

back? Ohh. There's nothing like a Moat

full of hydrochloric acid to spice things

up. Hey, Johnny. OK, now getting back to

the streets of New York City, it looks

like this next young man is This is Brian

from New Jersey. And I want to see the

c*ck fight of the c*ck fight. Not the

c*ck fight, Johnny. I don't want to go

back to jail. In there. Let's see it

now. Ohh. Gee, you know, I'm sorry Brian,

but Nick and I got into a little trouble

with the c*ck fight. I'm not sure we can

show that one again. I am not going to

leave until I see the c*ck. Brian,

you don't understand. That c*ck fight is

very controversial. We can't demand it

now. Brian, I'm sorry, but there's get it

on. OK, let's get it on.

OK John, when this is a filthy, dirty,

disgusting event and I couldn't be

happier to be here. Now let's get it

up. I mean, let's get it on. Nick

Shiver feeling this is going to be a

long hard fight. You don't scare me dude.

Tommy Lee very c*ck tonight. Now both

fighters are airborne. Damn, this is some

c*ck fight. Would that it would go on

forever. Tommy Lee is struggling now. In

the face of some stiff competition, he's

looking to plunge that tremendous beak

into Ron Jeremy supple shoulder blades.

That's it. I'm going to give you

everything I've got, bro.

What the hell is Tommy Lee doing?

My eyes.

So do have I made my point?

Cloud goes nuts. Well, folks, after that

last one, Nick and I have to hit

the road. We'd like to thank our

deathmatch fans on the streets of New

York City and all over the world, and

especially you fans at home. Thanks for

watching. We're Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm

Nick Diamond. And I'm Johnny Gomez. Good

fight, good night.