02x21 - Fandemonium II

[bunniefuu]

Feel the pain when 2 satanic ruckers

become hell bent on homicides, spill the

carnage as a couple of Hollywood hunks

tried to tear each other to chunks, and

hear the horror when we bring out a

surprise musical guest. All tonight,

Celebrity Deathmatch presents

Pandemonium 22.

Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond, and welcome to this special

edition of Celebrity Death Match, our

second annual installment of Pandemonium,

an entire episode conceived entirely by

you, our loyal viewers. You choose them,

we bruise them. Thousands of you fans

have logged on to the. Celebrity

Deathmatch website. Most came for Nick's

adult oriented chat room, but many also

took time to vote on who they'd like

to see in the ring. First up, two

childhood friends graduate to some very

grown up brutality. Matt Damon and Ben

Affleck appear in a vicious All Star

production we call Bad Will Hunting. Then

watch as 2 middle men try to iron out

their differences for good. It's Ozzy

Osbourne and Rob Zombie in a headbangers

brawl. And after that, our special gift

for you, the fans. We're going to beat

your eardrums to a pulp with a surprise

musical guest. Let's get right to our

first match, Johnny. These two all

American. Winters grew up side by side,

then wrote an Oscar winning screenplay

together. But this friendship is hitting

the rocks. Matt Damon went to Harvard,

Ben Affleck didn't, and we think that's

giving him a nasty case of Ivy envy.

Just look at this tension filled footage

taken in the green room earlier today

when we get in that ring. Dude, I'm

gonna tear out your lymph nodes. I think

you mean lymph nodes, bro. Whatever. Hey,

don't get all benevolent with me. I think

you mean belligerent d*uche.

Well, how do you pronounce I smell

homicide? Let's hope they saved some

animosity for the ring. And let's hope

they brought their thinking caps in honor

of fandemonium, too. We've added a

mind-blowing twist to tonight's fight.

You told us you wanted blood. You told

us you wanted. Remember you told us

you wanted mechanical engineering? You

got all three? Yes. We put the ask

kicking in assembly with the fandemonium

build it yourself kit of death. Just a

few minutes ago, we provided each of

these two young stars with 40 lbs of

spare parts. They got one car battery,

one electric motor, a couple of

galvanized. Lots of steel plating and a

razor sharp 8 bladed Rotary fan Wouldn't

be fandemonium without a fan. We've given

them exactly 10 minutes to design and

build their very own k*lling machines,

and now it looks like the mechanical

mayhem is about to begin.

Have them down. Let's get it on. Wow,

Matt Damons built himself an ingenious

propeller powered flying machine. Those

math equations from Goodwill Hunting must

have really sunk in. Now let's go to

Ben Affleck's corner and check out his

deadly weapon. Once he got there. I think

it's some kind of miniature windmill

cool. It really works. Ben Affleck

is clearly no rocket scientist model.

Windmills may cut it at Dutch science

fairs, but this is Death Match USA.

Damon raining down some airborne

atrocities on Ben Affleck. Hey Ben

Armageddon, ready to kick your *****? Ohh

yeah, and I'm not gonna save your

privates, Brian. You really are dumb,

bro. You forget

the rainmaker. Matt Damon is the pain

maker. Ben trying

to get back on his feet here and he

connects with the windmill. Looks like

he's generating a little wind of his own

there. I'm afraid I'm going to have to

waste you, dude. I just need a little

more altitude.

That payment has risen too far and

too fast. He's a human ceiling fan.

Dude. I think I'm going to hurl.

Boy, the ladies really loved batting by.

Suppose they've gotta draw the line

somewhere. Looks like Ben Affleck is sees

this moment to rethink his strategy.

And there goes Matt Damon, using his

shirt as a parachute. He's showing off

those Ivy League smarts as well as a

fabulous set of pecks. What are you

doing, bro? Running away from home again?

You wish, dude, This is my new invention.

Yeah. What is it? It's called a bag of

pots. It's on the

match. Good one, Nick. Thanks. Isn't

sophisticated, but it's getting the job

done. Dude, I can't

believe you broke my bag apart. Ben

Affleck attempting to reload the broken

bag apart. How do you like damn apples?

I'm kicking Ben around the ring like a

schoolyard bully. Look at him

go he seems to be constructing some kind

of deadly device. But what in the name of

the Pete is it?

Say hello to the ultimate lethal

invention, the turbo powered meat

pulverizer. Wow dude, I'm impressed. Show

me how it works. Well you go in this

end and overrated actor, you come out the

other side dead meat. Whoa, you really

are smarter than me. And what is the

sharp spinning pot doing there? I'm glad

you asked. That's the Rotary blade. You

see the centrifugal force generated by

this mechanical.

Fascinating. Tell me more.

Hollywood piece cake. Matt Damon

has now Justin Beefcake.

The winner is Ben Affleck quarter

reversal. Seems Ben Affleck isn't as dumb

as he looks. You said it, Johnny. He

turned that seemingly random bag of parts

into a real working windmill. We'll make

more of your violent dreams come true

after the break, but first, it's time to

announce the winner of our celebrity

death match. Online contest.

Hi, I'm Kirk from Ohio and I

just want to say that Celebrity

Deathmatch entertains my asss off Woo

Death match forever. That's great Kirk,

since you're such a big fan, we've

got a special surprise for you. How

would you like to meet an actual

Celebrity Death Match contestant?

Man, I can't believe it. John Tesh. Hi,

Kirk. I'm Mr. Tesh. I'm kind of

embarrassed to ask you this, but do you

think you could RIP out my spleen and

show it to me? Sure, Kirk.

Wow, would you look

at that? Thanks Mr.

Tesh. Ohh.

What do I like best about going to death

match? That would be the souvenirs. Come

here. Check this out, man. Look. Look.

Last year I caught Oprah Winfrey's

eyeballs. Look at that. That's so cool.

Check this out. Look. And here's Chuck

Norris's left arm. Had to fight for

this baby. Well worth the struggle. Ohh.

And this one, huh? I'm really proud

of Antonio Banderas's intestines. Feel

him? Come on, man. Look, they're doing

fine. You back away from the camera,

please. Ohh. Come on, man. You gotta

touch him. Touch. You just cut. Now

let's just cut more store. Stephen, I'm

gonna Welcome back to Fandemonium 2. In

an overwhelming response to our online

poll, you demanded to see a battle

between repugnant rockers Ozzy Osbourne

and Rob Zombie. Message received tonight.

We brought them together. So they could

tear each other apart. Apart. Ohh, Nick,

turn off your echo. Ohh, sorry. As you'll

recall, Ozzy Osbourne is no stranger to

the Death Match ring. Earlier this year,

he showed us his appetite for

destruction. Prepare to meet your maker

in his stomach.

He's swallowing Sir Elton's head. Let's

just hope he's had a decent rabies

booster. Ozzy Osbourne is the winner.

Look, hang on, Nick is. He must

have chewed that hit too hastily. He

appears to be choking.

Now he's back to defend his title. But

Rob Zombie is now ***** wasted. British

pop star. He's hairy, he's scary and he's

very upset. Mr. Zombie wants to prove

he's the most satanic rocker in the

world. Good luck whoever heard of a

zombie named Rob nonetheless. All this

the match from hell. In fact, to

make our tooling demons feel at home,

we scoured every Pottery Barn in the

tri-state area to find the most hellish

decor available. That's some scary stuff.

I think the fighters are entering our

redecorated ring now in the blue corner.

The original. The great

and terrible Ayers. Ozzy Osbourne.

Really brilliant. So be fast.

Looks like us. He's been

snacking between heads and in

the red corner. The bearded

hillbilly himself, The soul crusher,

The Dixie Devil, Rob Zombie.

Seems like the only kind of bath this

guy's interested in is a bloodbath.

Ozzie, Rob, Rob, Ozzy, I don't know which

one of you was freaking. I don't care.

Now let's get it on.

I'm gonna make you die slowly, you

fat old geezer. Go crazy, you stunky

yank lanker. Rob Zombie attacks, but I

need to His solar plexus stops him

in his tracks.

Rob Zombie getting treated to a Blizzard

of Oz. Nobody bangs heads like Ozzy.

He's taken out some sort of metallic

device. He's evil, and he's prepared a

deadly combination. Johnny, don't mess

with me. Robbie. I was worshipping the

devil and you still in black leather

diapers. I've heard of a rib spreader,

but this appears to be some kind of skull

spreader. Brilliant then, and the fight

is over. That's what I call sudden death.

And the winner is going to take that.

Governor, I'm not quite finished having

my way with this blow. What is he doing?

He's already won this fight.

I can understand what those English

people are saying. I think Ozzy's doing

some of his famous backward speak. It

appears he's putting a spell on Rob

Zombie's corpse.



In the name of all that's unholy, Ozzy

has raised proud zombie from the dead.

Rob Zombie is a zombie.

Good morning, sleepyhead. Now who's

your master, Ozzy?Ice boy,

Right you are. Who's the most

depraved rocker of all time? Ozzy

Osbourne. Crikey, this is fun. Now

we're going to play the game

of Ozzy says Ozzie says stick

your hands in Moulton Law over

there. I can't believe he's really

doing it. That lava is hotter than your

final arm. Chili Johnny seems to have

formed a pair of rock hard boxing gloves.

Now give yourself a left hook.

Now how about a right

cross? Now a knockout left,

right combination. My

command you to give me a thorough

and professional pedicure. I've seen a

lot of cruelty on Celebrity Deathmatch,

but it has the Osborne pedicure that

crosses the line. I think we're going

to need an official ruling on this

one. I'll allow it.

Now give her a kiss.

Ohh that's disgusting. Ohh stop

that tickles Strange Nick. Rob

Zombie actually seems to be

enjoying this pedicure as much

as Ozzy.

When I turn around, the taste of Asia's

foot has awakened the zombies craving

crazy human flesh. Dash

got away. You're bleeding Fallston. See,

Sheep sl*ve lost his evil power

over Rob Zombie. He's created a

monster, literally.

Take a photo of that. Ozzie strikes back

with the flaming torch of terror. Stand

back. Ohh. The brain gets it with the

shrewd move by the husband. According to

voodoo lawyer, the only way to k*ll a

zombie is to destroy its spring. It's a

rugby wants his brain. Go

fetch. I don't want his damn

noggin. It's a game of hot

potato. You want your brain, Robbie?

Fine catch.

Good hands rob something with a

spectacular brain brand. Then he's

topping it all off with the funky

chicken.

Ohh no, Rob got carried away

and spiked his own brain. The

penalty for that move? Death and

winner and still champion Ozzy Osbourne.

That settles it. Ozzy Osbourne is

the most satanic rocker in the

world. For now, Johnny, for now.

We'll be back with more fan

inspired mayhem after this with

Fandemonium 222. Why do you get

to do it?

What do I like about Death Match? Well,

people get out there aggressions by

watching a program. Violence in a ring

prevents violence in the streets. You

know, I could sit around, have a box of

doughnuts, a cup of coffee. I got to drag

these bleeding. It's back home. Tell her

mom the kids horsing around in the

street. Instead, they're home watching

good educational television. And I'm

telling you right now, I think the show

ought to get some kind of award. Welcome

back, death fans, right now from us to

you, our maestro of malevolence and a

good friend, Marilyn Manson.

There is a waiting

game.

Jesus came.

The latest?

I'm out of credit. That

was gross.

John.

This is what you should.

Hold on this time.

Singing sensation Ricky Martin. Damn it.

What's on Dallas? Hey, doing here? I'm

calling security. Not so fast, Nick. This

could get interesting. Yeah, give it up.

It's all got thing. It's so yesterday.

Not Latin. Beat is what the kids

want. So sexy.

Ricky Martin's got some cojones trying to

steal the spotlight from Marilyn Manson

and mentally not gonna stand for it.

Berlin showing Ricky how we do things

here at the death match.

Now I will show you why the music of

my people is so k*ll. Ohh.

Let it take you, the madness of the light

in the river. Knowing

his premark Puerto Rican pelvis pounder,

one lost.

Marilyn Manson is walking tall. Smart

move. The Evil 1 is safely out

of reach of Ricky Martin's punishing

pelvis. Tea drinking

Martin takes out the rhythm section.

Ohh, close shave there. Maybe

a little too close. Unbelievable.

Marilyn Manson really does have

paranormal powers, yes.

Talk about a folic symbol of time

to cut you down to size you

brassiere wearing creep cool Marilyn

Manson back on his own 2 feet.

You just can't keep a bad man

down. It's

the decision skeleton pull of

death, as in it looks

good and it backfires. Ricky

is swallowed. Marilyn Manson's hand

tastes like boil. Feel the

sexy Lappin bee Uno dose

trace. Ohh, hang

on, something's wrong with Latin singing

sensation Ricky Martin. Perhaps that

paranormal powered Flash didn't agree

with him. I hate it when that happened.

It appears this quick probs heart has

stopped throbbing. Marilyn

Manson disarmed but dangerous. The

winner is Marilyn Mansons arm.

What a deliciously cruel conclusion to

our night of inspired inhumanity. Just

our way of saying thank you to

our wonderful fans. Ohh wow. Nick Diamond

and Johnny Gomez in the flesh. Man,

what the hell is this? Hey man,

could you sign my?Guts, man, didn't

you get in here? Sorry, fella. We're

gonna have to make an example of

you. No fans in the booth while

we're working. This is Johnny Coleman,

and I'm Nick Diamond saying good fight.

Good night.