03x02 - The New Employee

[bunniefuu]

Which beautiful heads will roll when 2

teenage temptresses tear each other

apart? Which malicious musician will live

to play another note? And what will

happen when three TV doctors put each

other under the knife? All this gore and

so much. More tonight on

Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello again, everyone. I'm Johnny Gomez

And I'm Nick Diamond. If you like

your action served ugly, it doesn't get

much uglier than this. Many of you

remember our old friend and celebrity

correspondent Stacey Cornbread.

Unfortunately, several weeks ago, Stacey

spontaneously combusted. The good news is

we found her permanent. Replacement and

she's here with us tonight, formerly of

the hit daytime talk show the view.

Please welcome Miss Debbie Matenopoulos.

Debbie. Thanks, Johnny. Thanks, ****.

Guys, this is incredible. I'm really I'm

just thrilled to death, or should I

say thrilled to death match. Ohh, You'll

fit right in. Here, Debbie, and kudos to

you. A job like this is a big break

for a young person, not to mention a

woman. A woman? Gee. Well, thanks, Nick,

and welcome to the 20th century. Yeah.

And hey, if you do a good job down

there talking to the celebrities, maybe

we'll let you come up here in the booth

and call some of the fights. See, I don't

know, Nick. Seems awfully challenging for

a young woman. Of course, you'd have to

watch me work for a while before we let

you actually say anything. Yeah. Watch

you and your big asss get fatter and

fatter. Sounds like a blast. Ohh. Dare

you speak to me? Like guys, how about we

let our celebrities do the fighting? I'm

not fat, Johnny. I'm not old either. Come

on, Nick. Now, our combatants in

tonight's first match are two billboard

topping beauties who have found

themselves in bitter competition for the

preteen dollar, Britney Spears and

Christina Aguilera. Then there are two

superstars of popular music, but that's

where the similarities end. Below,

saxophonist Kenny G and. Rash basis for

the Red Hot Chili Peppers flee. Finally,

in our main event, three stars of the

hit medical drama ER will be rushed to

our own deathmatch ER, and only one will

make it to the recovery room, Anthony

Edwards, Noah Wiley and Eric LaSalle.

Let's check in now with Debbie downstairs

in the locker room. Where Britney Spears

is about to emerge. Like, I have a

question that every girl in America is

asking right now. The answer is no,

Debbie. I don't have a boyfriend, but

there are a lot of cute guys out there.

And if they buy my new CD, I promise no,

no. I want to know if those things are,

like, real. What the CD? Your cans, girl.

I don't know. Here, come here. Let me

just put it down. Did she

just try to feel up Britney Spears? I

believe she did. Where the hell did they

find this crackpot? I don't know, Nick,

but I think she's here to stay. I think

we're in trouble, and I think it's time

for the first fight of the night. Let's

go to ringside, where I hope Brittany has

recovered. In the red corner. The

Hispanic. Freak out from Pittsburgh, PA

Christina Aguilera This young lady is

struggling to distance herself from those

constant comparisons to Britney Spears.

She wants people to know there's more

to her than just a pretty torso

and her opponent? Hailing from Louisiana

by way of picturesque, unspoiled Central

Florida. Britney Spear While her

opponents looking for some credibility,

Brittany just wants to offer up and

coming competition. James Christina's

meteoric rise has diluted the lucrative

jailbaits market and hurt Brittany's

bottom line. Aguilera, what's up with

that Catholic schoolgirl outfit? Now

you're copying my videos too. Copying.

But you're not even a Catholic

schoolgirl. Why would I bother copying A

phony like you? That's it, you little

porta went. You are so dead, folks.

Underneath the pretty packaging, these

young ladies are vicious, and you have to

admit their similarities are uncanny.

These two girls are so much like twins

that it gave us. An idea. We're gonna

treat them just like twins. Siamese

twins. In a match we call the Ponytail

of pain, Mills Lane will attach these

young ladies together by their hair. That

way, they'll have nowhere to run and

nowhere to hide. They're stuck with each

other. OK, let's get it. Wait a minute

here. One of you was Britney.

Quick thinking by Mills Lane. OK, let's

get it on. Let

me hit you one more time baby.

Here, how about 10 more times? Ohh

and one more for that flabby gut.



Bad news for Brittany. Her fans are

sure to be turned off by that

unsightly torso. I'm sick

of you stealing my stick and now I'm

going to stick it to you.

Some savage spinning from Britney.

Christina's fans knows she's capable of

screaming in eight outfits. Christina has

got to be feeling that last one.

I don't know, Nick. These were inflicting

incredible amounts of punishment on each

other, but neither 1 is going down

and credible. Johnny, there's no escaping

this hurricane of headbutts thanks to the

ponytail of pain.

It looks like your brutality has

begun to take its toll, Nick.

I can't tell who is who.

Time. Time. OK, Which one of

you is written? I am. OK,

people, let's fight.

Christina's gonna try and hurl Brittany

out of the ring, but her hair is

still tied. Oh my God, she stopped

herself. Hey, at least now we can tell

them apart. Look out Nick, Brittany's got

hold of a 40 oz with Christina's name

on it. This may not be a genie

bottle, but it'll fit.

Little Brown, get it? Get in

there. That's disturbing. Johnny Bottles

just weren't meant to house human

heads. Ooh, look out.

I'm out of the bottle ditch and now I'm

going to rub you the wrong way.

Happiness. Latino roots are showing.

She's administering the Brazilian body

spear. OK, Christina, I'm giving you one

more chance to forfeit this fight. You're

the one who's going down. OK, then

I'm just going to have to tear

you to pieces. Bring it on.

Has taken an expl*sive track. These

girls aren't shouting each other.

Requires federally. This

fight may be over, but are they both out?

I don't think so, Johnny. I still see

some movement down there.

One of these ladies is still alive. We'll

have to run some tests to see who it is.

Ladies and gentlemen, this bloody heap of

humanity will have to be sent to the

Death Match Lab for examination. As soon

as the results are back, we'll announce

the name of the lucky winner. We go again

to Debbie Matenopoulos downstairs,

waiting to greet the fighters as they

arrive. For our main events, Debbie, I

have to say your earlier interview with

Brittany was terribly embarrassing for

Johnny and myself. I'd like to hear what

questions you've prepared for Anthony

Edwards. Prepared. Nah, I just go in and

ask him whatever's on my mind. I'm an off

the cuff kind of girl. Well, that is not

the way we do things around here.

Anthony. Anthony. Question.

How did you end up being one of the

highest paid actors on TV? Hmm, well

that's actually a good question. Beats

the hell out of me. I I guess I got

lucky. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to

go kick some *****. Back to

you guys in the booth. I'll never be

able to show my face in Planet Hollywood

again. I think we're going to have to

fire her, Johnny. Stick around, folks.

Because there's much more gratuitous

gruesomeness to come as Kenny G takes on

Flea when Celebrity Deathmatch continues.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch.

We've just received word that the results

are in from the evening's first fight

between Britney Spears and Christina

Aguilera. I'm here with Noah. Kylie, star

of ER Noah, what do you got for us? Well,

Debbie, during my several years playing

Doctor John Carter, I've learned enough

about being a doctor to actually be a

doctor. A close examination of these

dental records reveals matching cavities

in the dorsal and sizer of each of these

X-rays. You'll agree that proves

conclusively that Britney Spears is in

fact the winner. Dental. Records

cavities. No, I'm no doctor, but to me,

that looks like an ASK bone. Yeah, but

you know the dorsal incisor. Uh-huh. Hey,

do you wanna try my stethoscope? No. I

want you to admit to the world that

you don't know a damn thing about being

a doctor. Well, I guess

we'll never know who won that fight. Now

here come our next two celebrities, Kenny

G Ladies and gentlemen, this sadistic

saxophonist from Seattle is the best

selling instrumentalist in the world and

should prove to be a formidable foe here

tonight. Indeed, Johnny, look at how the

fans cringe in awe of his very presence.

I don't know what it is they're feeling

Nick, but it does appear to be pretty

powerful and his opponent makes player

for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Flee. Many

of you might not know this, but Flee

is actually short for Michael Johnny. I

hope Fleas got something on under that

base. Flea is well loved by music. Fans,

which actually could be his downfall. I'm

told his opponent has much thicker skin

hardened by Gears of critical abuse fleet

GI want a good clean fight and if

you take request I wouldn't mind hearing

that funky cold Medina man that one

really takes me back. Let's get it on.

That man is naked. It's not fair that I

have to fight a naked man.

Turn now. Wait a minute. I'm sorry, but

if you wanna fight, you're gonna have to

put some clothes on. But I have clothes

on, dude. See. Got coop shot. Just ain't

gonna cut it. My ring. Here, put this on.

Mills Lane always prepared for an

emergency. Hey,

Kenny, before we start, I just wanted to

congratulate you on setting that world

record for playing the longest musical

note ever. Thank you, Michael. That's

very nice of you to say. Yeah, Well,

anyway, I'm going to beat that record

right now. Mills, time me.

Unbelievable Feeling delights the

deathmatch crowd with his latest release.

A cruel kick from Kenny. He put

everything he had behind that one. My

beautiful saxophone. Ohh, you soiled it,

you jerk. Ohh

wait Kenny takes up base to the

face. That had to hurt. Ohh Flea

is loading up on jalapenos.

Without Red Hot Chili blast

my signature frizzy hairdo. How

dare you.

Kenny G's fans can only pray that he

did not just rupture his diaphragm. Fans

of Kenny G have got bigger problems than

that. Johnny. OK boys, all hands on deck.

Nick. What is flew up to? I don't

know, but he's badly in need of some

dandruff shampoo. Lookout Flea is

infested. And flees. And they've come to

do his bidding. OK guys, let's bug

the hell out of that new age

weasel attack. Wait, wait, this isn't

fair. Ohh yeah, keep them hacking me.

Ohh now this guy has gone too far.

You know, hopefully you're not the only

tough guy here. Looks like this horn

playing hot head has had it up to

here. Kenny G's got

his work cut out for him. He's cut

like a 10 year old. Don't count him

out yet, Nick. He does have some tattoos.

Yeah, that little cherubs. Yeah, yeah.

Any gear checks? But he's on the Mexican.

He's just no match for fleas. Unbridled

post adolescent aggression. I didn't want

to have to show off here tonight, but

you left me no choice. What is Kenny

up to? That music. It's so haunting.

Amazing. The man saxophonist is actually

charming the Flea, and it looks like

they're turning on their former master.

Well, what are you doing? I am your

master. I am

your master.

Umm.

It appears Kenny G is not flee out

of this fight, and the crowd is none

too happy about it. But wait, Nick. OK,

Kenny, now you've really pisssed me off.

Yeah, well, what are you going to do

about it? I'm going to make sure once

and for all you never make those terrible

sexual noises again. Unprecedented. The

lower Mandeville, if this goes where I

think it's going, Kenny G may never

play sax again. Let's go, let's go

on my chin. Oh, oh, break for

Kenny G Losing your lower jaw, well,

that's going to be a tough one

for Kenny G to swallow.

Oh oh oh gooday mate.

Lovely gets that jawbone and

Aussie twist. Kenny G is

out. Flee is the winner.

Oh my God Flee k*lled

Kenny G Fleet k*ll Kenny

G. Folks, we'll

be right back with our main event.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch now,

ladies and gentlemen. In addition to

Debbie's arrival, this show is undergoing

another notable development. You wouldn't

believe all the mail we get asking.

What happens to the celebrity body parts

once the celebrities are done fighting?

Let me just assure you, people know we

don't just flush them down the toilet. In

fact, we've discovered a way to recycle

that organic material in order to make

this show even more exciting. Our good

friend Stone Cold Steve Austin will

explain. Thanks, guys. Now here's the

deal, the celebrity waste products flow

into our state-of-the-art filtration

system. Then gene splices is the name of

the game. We mixed the celebrity DNA with

some highly unstable isotopes and several

CC's of anabolic steroids. You heat the

whole mess up to 3000° Kelvin. And David,

if you don't breed a whole new life farm,

feast your eyes on this one.

It don't look like much now, but in a

few months this little critter will grow

into a mutated humanoid freak that kicks

***** and has a charismatic personality.

Look for these hideous creatures to climb

into the Death Match ring real friggin

soon. And that's the bottom line.

That one got back to you fellas. Thanks,

Stone Cold. And right now it's just about

time for our main event. We go to Debbie

with Eric LaSalle, who's making his last

minute preparations. Has anyone seen

Nick? So Eric, a lot of people think you

changed the spelling of your name from

Eric with a C to Eric with a Q.

Tell me, why is a cute cooler than a

sea? And are you really that insecure

about your coolness? Ohh, that's it,

honey, you're fired. If you don't have

any respect for celebrities, I don't have

any respect for you. I'm sorry about

that, Mister LaSalle. Fired what?

Guys, guys, what's the problem? It's a

fair question, Debbie. Now, whether or

not I changed my name to be cool

doesn't matter. The fact is I am cool.

Maybe you 2 should try it. OK,

Matenopoulos, consider yourself on

probation, but I've got my eye on you.

Suck my asss, Diamond, and here come our.

Fighters Many fans of the hit series ER

know that Anthony Edwards is the highest

paid actor in all of prime time, and we

suspect he's been rubbing it in the face

of his Co stars Eric LaSalle and Noah

Wiley. So tonight the scuffles will come

out and Anthony will have to prove his

worth. Johnny, would I be cooler if I

spelt my name and IQ?At this point,

Nick, you could use all the help you

can get. Now let's go to ringside. Now

I want a good clean. No makes that

a sterile fight. And remember,

malpractice is encouraged. But let's get

it on. And our main event is underway.

To work just as hard as you and I have

more hair. What makes you so special? I'm

a man, that's what. You're just a boy.

But don't worry. Someday you'll hit it

big like me and Clooney, of course. Yeah,

well, you'll always be a nerd to me.

Claire. What am I saying? I mean, don't

clear. For a while

it gets busy delivering 1000 gigawatts of

justice. Ohh, no fat paycheck to hide

behind. Now a nerd.

Yet the space where the big boys. Why

don't you go back to your trailer and

play your Nintendo? Ohh, don't you make

me OK, I will.

Ohh, it's a code red for

Noah Wiley.

OK, pulse ox is 15, looks like he's an

anaphylactic shock. Set me up with a chem



and sublingual or Terry oscopy. Come on

people, let's move. Damn it, he's

still alive. OK, I'm going to have to

innovate him.

Let me handle this. No, I'm in charge

here. Listen, just because you make more

than me doesn't mean I can't kick your

phony little *****. Not step aside, goose

gumbo.

LaSalle performing a radical

procedure. Sure don't

teach you moves like this in

Med school. Damn, still nothing? Come

on kid, come on, don't live

on me.

Ohh, that's it. We lost him. No, no,

no. I lost him. Time of death. Caught

what? You didn't lose him. I'm the one

who lost him. You. You over there doing

the bucket? No, I wasn't jerk. I was

right here preparing A bilateral renal

aperture and holding this here bone. Saw

that was looking to do a little

exploratory surgery. To the South.

Spreader.

Oh OK tough guy, let's see

you kick asss or metabolize nutrients

without your liver.

LaSalle is unstoppable. He's doing a

Bruce Lee with the Ivy.

Prepare yourself up. Terminal

case of depression, Tongue

depression. Ohh say ah.

I'm sorry to have to do this, pal,

but I'm the highest paid actor on the

show and I intend to stay that way.

Wait, don't do that. I don't want your

salary. Remarkable. Eric LaSalle has been

contaminated with the malaria virus.

What's happening to him, Johnny, as his

blood sugar crystallizes?Internal organs

will deteriorate while his body actually

begins to consume itself through the

gastric lavage. Somebody please. Well, I

don't know what to make of this,

Johnny, but the cloud is gone. I

mean, they're, they're going nuts.

Oh oh Oh my

God. Well, I hope

that yellow gas isn't poisonous. It sure

does stink. You're not kidding. I smell a

lawsuit.

Well, folks, I think it's safe to say

that the winner of this fight is Anthony

Edwards. And it looks like if Nick and I

don't leave the arena now, we may never

get out. So for Celebrity Death Match,

I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond.

Good fight, good night.