03x05 - Celebrity Deathmatch's Salute to Hollywood

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Which actor director named Kevin will

earn the title Most deadly actor director

named Kevin? What actress will give new

meaning to the words I chill for that

part? And which legendary filmmaker will

end up on the cutting room floor forever?

Find out tonight as Celebrity Death Match

turns the silver screen blood red. Hello,

everybody. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick

Diamond. Nick, Are you sure you're up to

this? Of course, Johnny. As you can see,

my arm stump has stopped bleeding and

only the lower half of my face is

numb. Well, OK then. Folks, welcome to

another ridiculously entertaining episode

of Celebrity Deathmatch. Tonight we're

going to teach Hollywood a thing or

two about star power, so get ready

for three malicious movie themed

matchups. First up, mainstream mega star

Kevin Costner focuses his anger on indie

instigator Kevin Smith next. The battle

of the femme fatales watching disbelief

as Sharon Stone and Kathy Bates go teta

tet can we say that? And for our

main event, smell the suspense, says

Alfred Hitchcock tries to go psycho on

Steven Spielberg. But Tonight Show is not

just about senseless carnage, it's also

about the showbiz community finally

recognizing. Earlier today,

we jetted out to Hollywood to witness

this glitzy, glamorous ceremony. Nick,

Are you sure it's OK? Go ahead.

I got nothing to hide. OK, Roll

tape. Hello, everyone. We're here in

front of Mings Chinese Theater.

Apparently, it's somewhat historic, as we

all know. The highest honor that can

be bestowed on an entertainer is to

be immortalized by putting their

handprints in this very sidewalk. And

today, it's happening to a member of

the Deathmatch family. So here she is,

Miss Center of Attention, Debbie

Matenopoulos. Thanks. Johnny Diamond.

Debbie, we're all very excited for you.

Tell us how this came about. Well, it's

really incredible, Johnny. Even though

I've only been on the Deathmatch team for

a short while, my fan base is huge. They

all got together and signed a petition

and raised the $75,000 registration fee.

So here I am. Terrific stuff, and I am so

touched by this sweet show of support. I

just want to say one thing. Jar

Jones suck my asss.

That's our Debbie. Partly. This is not a

town that values serious broadcast

journalism. What's that supposed to mean?

Yeah. Figure it out. Ohh. Yeah. Well, you

can suck my asss too, Diamond. Not if it

was the last asset on earth. Come on,

Nick. But, Johnny, I want to be

commemorated in cement. Yeah. Yeah. We'll

be back with more later. When these.

Fabulous festivities get underway.

Emotions were running high there. Hey,

Nick. What can I tell you, Johnny the

chick gets under my skin. We'll be

showing more of that riveting footage

later, but right now we've got some

celluloid savagery in tonight's first

bout. This fight is what they call in

Hollywood. High concept of battle of the

actor directors named Kevin Kevin Costner

versus. Kevin Smith, to be precise. These

two have a serious grudge to settle.

Costner's furious that there's another

Kevin out there making better movies than

him. It's Beverly Hills, CA versus Short

Hills, New Jersey, as these fighters

tried to prove which filmmaking style is

superior, Big budget epics or shoestring

sleepers. Hey Johnny, you know who I

think is going to win?

Kevin I'd say that's a safe bet,

Nick. You know who's gonna lose? Kevin.

Very clever. Well, it looks like they're

ready to put this pain fest into

production, so let's go to the ring

in the blue corner. The Miramax Monitor.

Kevin Smith. What kind of crazy costume?

Show some respect, Nick. Kevin Smith is

a serious comic book devotee with a

major superhero obsession. So tonight he

has come to deathmatch as Super Kevin

and in the red corner, the big

budget brawler Kevin Costner. It appears

Costner has come to the fight as

a mermaid. Sonic, that is the uniform

of the United States Postal worker. The

postman. Wasn't that too bombs ago? Now,

Kevin, remember, you're not here to act

or direct. You're here to beat the

pee out of each other's. Got me.

Good. Now let's get it all. I'd

like to dedicate this fight to America's

underappreciated. They are

true heroes who every day must

deal with illegible handwriting,

incorrect zip codes and take a

letter. Cosner, You're washed up,

windbag. Sincerely, Kevin Smith, do not

mock the postal system.

Customer gives Smith a brutally close

shave, but Smith has come prepared. That

utility bill is coming in handy.

Looks like Kevin Smith actually does have

special powers. He's got to be special to

get that tonnage off the ground. This is

for making tin cup.

This is for making the bodyguard.

We're making message in a bottle.

Wait, the

mass. Wow.

Come on Jay, how many times we practice

this at home? Ohh sorry bro. And I

thought Smith had special powers. No

Nick, just common everyday fishing line.

I guess that's how they do it in the

indie world. Take a good look at a real

Hollywood prop you low budget loser. It's

the world's most expensive letter opener.

I heard it's at the studio. Back



As we like to say in the

business, nothing will keep me from my

appointed pounds. Ohh, that is 1

disgruntled postal worker.

Not exactly a stamp of approval. Hey

Johnny, alright. If you stick your *****

in the air, he will come. You said

that if you stick your ***** in the

air, he will come. If I stick my

***** in the air, Shoeless Joe will come

and help me. Vanquish my opponent.

I've been waiting for here he comes.

Talk about a field of rings. I've

heard of a chip on your shoulder

and put a set of asking. Kevin

Smith throws A copal to Mr. Baseball

Kevin Costner. But Kushner's leveling the

playing field never misused mysterious

whispering. Costner unleashing a mail bag

full of patron on Smith. You wonder

if there's a heaven in hell. Well, you're

about to find out. That's so fast. Say

hello to a postman's worst nightmare.

Sick him dog. Wonder what the hell is

that?Nice

pet Rocksmith OHS.

Ohh what's that psychopathic pooch got

against Kushner? It must be a b*mb

sniffing dog Nick. I'll take it

from here.

I don't believe it. That Monarchal Mutt

has turned Costner into a southpaw. Can't

make this stuff up. Kevin Smith is

shoving his once daunting opponent into

an express delivery packet here. This

will keep you from getting damaged.

OK, dog wonder. You know what to do.

Let's see you get out of this one bird

man.

Hard to believe, but Kevin Costner may be

on his way to the dead letter office.

What about proof positive that Kevin?

Just don't mix and indie sensation Kevin

Smith shows you don't have to spend money

to kick *****. We'll be back with more

mayhem after this.

We're back with celebrity death matches.

Salute to Hollywood. We've already seen

that all cabins are not created equal,

some are deader than others, and we got

plenty more corpses on the way. But

before?Delightfully disturbing second

bout. Let's see some more footage from

our Hollywood outing which took place

earlier today. And now the moment has

arrived. Our very own Debbie Met Anopolis

is about to place her handprints in

this legendary star-studded sidewalk.

Ohh, I'm all a Twitter. Take it

away Debbie. I'd like to

thank my Co star Johnny Gomez, the one

other special man for whom I'm very, very

grateful. Yes, we've had our troubles in

the past, but he really means a lot to

me. Eddie in the mailroom. This is for

you. Eddie, that is. The last straw. I

will not be ignored. Excuse me, please.

Hey, that should be my puddle of cement

down there. I've got 25 years of

broadcasting under my belt. Now get the.

What is that?

Wow, you really stepped in at that time.

I did what had to be done.

Now on to our second bout. These ladies

may be glamorous, but they sure fight

ugly. It's a fight we call the Battle

of the Femme Fatales. The matronly Maroda

from Misery, Kathy Bates squares off

against a lady with a Basic Instinct for

homicide, Sharon Stone. It looks like

Sharon Stone is already limbering up in

her corner. Go to the ring.



Put that thing away before somebody gets

hurt. And to make this fight even more

fatale, our fems will be choosing from an

array of classic weapons used by

murderous women throughout movie history.

Ladies, let's get it on.

And there goes Kathy Bates, grabbing the

boiling pot of water from Fatal

Attraction. This will clean up your act,

you dirty birdie. Ohh, seems that water

is completely evaporated in the past 15

years. Any other empty threats? How about

this? Ohh, wow, that stainless steel pot

is going to be stained with blood.

Karen reaches back into the classics.

She's got the witches broom from the

Wizard of Oz.

You've got to love the old fashioned

room. Good for disfiguring your opponent

and some lighthouse cleaning look. It's

toned profits wire hanger from the cult

classic Mommy Dearest. All right Miss

Skinny clothes horse with your less

provoking miniskirts. Try this on for

size.

Ohh, devastating Backbreaker.

I think this fight is over, Johnny.

Hang on a second, Nick. She's actually

getting back on her feet with a weapon

she's very familiar with, the ice pick

from Basic Instinct. Mind if I pick your

brain? Oh, oh. Brilliant. Surprise

defense by Kathy Bates, My chunk of the

iceberg from her blockbuster hit Titanic.

I'll allow it, Mark called by Mills.

After all, that iceberg did k*ll 1500

people, including Leonardo DiCaprio.

Maybe there's some cool down. You're

overactive hormones, you little hot to

trot. Call

Kathy Bates Butter Johnny because she's

on a roll.

Yes, it's the deadly stiletto heels from

single white female. She's trying to turn

stone into a single dead female. Ohh

you starting to feel all boogie sharing?

Fats Ohh stones going

for the mallet from

misery.

She's trying to steal a move from Kathy

Bates playbook. That's not

how you hobble Missy. You're holding it

all wrong. I think I know what I'm

doing. Trust me, it's for the best.

Unbelievable. Sharon Stone isn't quick

anymore, but she sure is dead. The

winner is Kathy Bates. Another incredible

and truly ironic finish to a celebrity

death match. Looks like the shoes on

the other foot. Now, Johnny, don't worry

folks, lots more blood is yet to be

spilled in our main event.

We've already piled up two A list

corpses, but we're not gonna stop there.

Hey, what do you say we look at the

last of that footage from earlier today?

Like I said before, Johnny, I got nothing

to be ashamed of. Hello, folks. Just

moments ago, Debbie Met Annapolis was

immortalized here on the legendary Walk

of Fame. And Nick Diamond nearly drowned

in cement. But rest easy, my accident

prone colleague is going to be just fine.

We'll have him out of there in no time.

Good. I hope it hurts. Quite an

ordeal, Nick. You really cemented your

reputation with that one. No regrets,

Johnny, just standing up for what I

believe in. Now on to the atrocities.

We've got a directorial doozy lined up

for our main event, Steven Spielberg

versus Alfred Hitchcock. Tell the folks

how this crazy fight started, Nick. It

seems Steven Spielberg was apparently not

satisfied with being the greatest living

director. He wanted to be the greatest

living director who ever lived. So

through the magic of the deathmatch time

machine, we brought back his only real

competition, the master of suspense,

Alfred Hitchcock. Let's go to the ring.

In the red corner, the

triple Chin terror. Alfred Hitchcock.

And in the blue corner, the DreamWorks

Destroyer, Steven Spielberg, Steve L To

me, the greatest filmmaker is the guy

who made Smokey and the Bandit 3.

But whatever, let's get it on.

Good evening, Steven. Welcome to Alfred

Hitchcock Presents. Your death. It's an

honor and a privilege to be in

the same ring with you, Mr. Hitchcock.

Now, I've taken the liberty of drawing

up some storyboards on the method by

which you'll be mutilated. Cool. But I

shall kidnap you. Switch your identity

with that of the CIA fugitive,

then tell you from a speeding

train. That should really throw your

career off track. You are a

master. Can I make one tiny

suggestion if you must? What if

there was a really awesome.

That went like this.

Ohh, see, isn't that neat? That's why my

movies make $100 million. Yes, how crude.

Now, as I was saying, I shall proceed

to poison your milk, turn you into a

paranoid amnesia, and then deposit you in

a wheat field where you will be

frightened to death by a menacing. Low

flying crop duster. Ohh I love it. The

only thing your movie needs is a cute

little alien who goes like this.

Ohh, suck you suck you all. An

exceedingly vulgar little man. I see now

that subtlety in filmmaking died when I

did. You know, Mr. Hitchcock, I really

think we need to work together. How

about something called close Encounter

between my fist and your face?

James Alfred Hitchcock is just not

accustomed to modern day mayhem. Don't

count the old codger out yet, Nick.

No.

Wow, I never saw the knife penetrate but

I was still terrified. With sophisticated

editing from the director of Psycho.

Little too sophisticated, Johnny. Leaving

it to the imagination is so old

school Hitch. Today the people want to

see everything, blood and guts included.

Let's tell you Johnny, I'm with Steve

on vacation to get the picture. Safety

is lost on today's juvenile audiences.

Well, perhaps they'll. Understand.

Looks like pitchers finally catching on

and Spielberg's getting a taste of what

it was like on Omaha Beach back in



eye called Dialed W for Whoop US

Free drop kick from the esteemed

director. Steven really needs to turn

things around. I think he's headed for

the turnbuckle. Ohh Steven look down. Why

you dropped your Oscar?

Must do blenders. Hitchcock is

turning Steven Spielberg The Color

Purple.

This Nimrod OHS yes, he's finally

giving the crowds what they want.

Ohh. Hitchcock nails him with an

over the shoulder body slam. Ohh,

I'm the greatest filmmaker of all

time. Maybe a

hit on points, but it's not over. Again,

Steven Spielberg appears to be some sort

of glutton for punishment. He's

reentering the ring, but what does he

brought with him? Ladies and gentlemen, I

concede, Pitch, you really are the best

director of all time. As a token of my

appreciation, I got you a present.

Kind of food do you take me for?

I invented this surprise twist ending

line. I'll open it for you.

Oh my God it's the ark of the

covenant. Don't look at the lightning.

Are you waiting for? Go get him, cheap

*******. You promised me a piece of the

licensing on Raiders and you cut us out

of the Temple of Doom. Oh my God,

little demons to feed.

What do you think's going on down there,

Nick? I'm not looking, Johnny.

The winner is Alfred Hitchcock, and

the Ark of the Covenant move

fatally backfires on Steven Spielberg.

What a turn around. I think we all

learned a lesson. Biblical weapons can be

very unpredictable. Hey, guys. Well, here

she is, the toast of Tinseltown. Debbie

Matenopoulos, are you done with your big

press conference, Shiram? Johnny, I'm

afraid you've missed all the fights

tonight, Debbie. That's OK. I just wanted

to come back here because I've been

really thinking about the unfortunate.

Incident on the sidewalk this morning,

you know, and there really is someone I

forgot to think. And even if we don't

always agree, well, I really do respect

him. The guy who gets me coffee, I think

his name is Jimmy, does it, you skunky

little wow.

This is Johnny Gomez and this is

Debbie Matenopoulos standing in for Nick

Diamond, saying good fight, good night.