03x06 - Congressional Hearings

[bunniefuu]

Celebrity Deathmatch will not be seen

tonight, so we can bring you this special

report. Celebrity death match

the congressional hearings. Good evening.

I'm flip, sprinkle on Capitol Hill. A

congressional committee led by Senator

Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts has

deemed cartoon comedy show Celebrity

Deathmatch too obscene for television,

and host Nicholas Diamond and John Gomez

have been subpoenaed to testify. Let's go

now to the Senate floor.

It was kind of you to represent us in

this case. We need all the help we can

get. Yeah. My pleasure, Johnny. You know,

I don't usually get the opportunity to

put my double major professional

wrestling and political law to good use.

So this is Congress. Hey, so much less

interesting on TV here. Congress will now

come to order. For the record,

I would just like to say that I

find your show disgusting, repulsive and

abhorrent. Yes. And when are we going to

see some new episodes are dead people? He

said he doesn't want to see any more

new dead people. I'm sorry, Senator

Thurman is very old now. Then what do

you have to say?Yourselves, Mr. Diamond.

Mr. Gonads. Well, you see, Ted, what I

think is that what I think is your

show should be off the air. You see

this, Nick Brace, my grandson Scooter did

this to me up there in the compound.

Hyannis Port frolicking in the waves. All

of a sudden kid gives me the stone

cold stunner. Facts. My damn vertebrae,

Senator. I'm sorry about your neck, but

my clients guilty. Execute them. How, how

how? Hey, I freaking object all the

ruled. Now I have a list of

every celebrity that has had their

derrieres kicked on your filthy program.

No fewer than the 50. Of

America's best love, entertainers have

been k*lled. Do you deny this?

Senator I, I think it's

more like 150.

I am engaged with disgust, and I submit

to this committee that it's these two

gentlemen who are to blame. They're I

will present to you today a series of

video clips so shocking that you will

have no choice but to agree. I begin with

a montage of cranial related carnage

here. Roll it.

Nikki, believe what's going on

in here?

Take up closer look at Pacino Johnny.

Umm.

Oh oh.

Speak to me, can you continue?

Abominable.

The disembowelment.

Steven Wright spills his guts all over

the ring.

Mom.

They're here.

I beg your pardon, but I

am clearly disgusted. Hmm, I don't

remember eating asparagus. Now roll the

mastication. Related here, Mayhem. Ohh,

looks like yes Roseanne is pulling

a Venus fly trap. She's going

to let her stomach juices. With

the heavy lifting. Ohh, I can't

believe it. There it is, ladies

and gentlemen, the Mormon Munch.

Oh oh.

Oh my God, he's swallowing

Sir Elton's head. Let's just

hope he's had a decent

rabies booster. You 2 should

be ashamed k*lling poor Elton

Johnson. Now roll the offensive.

Ocular aggression he saw Hall

of offensive.

I beg your pardon? Ohh, Hell's me,

Austin? I say that out loud. Yes.

Now roll that eyeball stuff.

Yes, there it is, ladies and

gentlemen, the infamous eyeball plunge.

Oh my God. God wow wow,

he got all of that one.

My eyes.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop,

whoop, Sorry. And what about those

falling objects of death? Roll those.

They had to wait.

Oh my God those kids had better

clear out of there.

Oh my God.

Delicious chocolate.

Oh

oh.

I survived. It's a miracle.

The evidence will show that you advocate

cruel and unusual weaponry, much of which

would be ill*gal if I were president.

Well, good luck. Roll the unusual

weaponry. This is going to be sweet.

There he is, Mussolini, bringing in the

heavy a*tillery. This could spell the end

for Bernini.

It is said that only c*ck and

Cher would survive a nuclear w*r. Breaks

taking some stiff shots using a corpse

as a weapon. I can't believe it.

Holy doomsday Hussain just whipped out a

scud. Come on Hank Junior, let's

reeducate Miss Hill with some. Third

shot. Thanks, Tonya

really knows how to work

it. But Winona counters with

a cat of DW50. Ohh,

look who's breaking out now.

He goes on the attack

with a diamond tip wet

Dr. motorized nose hair trimmer.

Yeah.

Barbara's got the

catapult for OHH

with crime.

Look at this guys going through using

the death match ring as a weapon.

And let's not forget the poor celebrities

who thanks to you 2 have her

decayed roll. The hideous human decay Moe

Moe sending Plácido Domingo into the next

century and out of this. Why?

Wow, those genes are more than acid

washed, they throw acid. Look what you've

done.

Well, I hope that yellow gas isn't

poisonous. It sure does stink. You're not

kidding. I smell a lawsuit.

I see a diseased rat, I see a

healthy human body. I see the bubonic

plague move, the ultimate in medieval

weaponry. It k*lled 1/4 of Europe's

population back in the 14th century, and

it takes down one more tonight. Ladies

and gentlemen, we may have to quarantine

the ring you k*lled. There are strays

end and I was so looking forward to

Gentle too. With all due respect, I think

you're saying this stuff out of context.

Most of that horrific cartoon brutality

was a byproduct of some pretty damn

entertaining action which you neglected

to show. Sir, has anyone ever told you

your head looks like a m*ssile?

Like a big m*ssile with a

beard. Quite remarkable. 2 minute recess.

We now return to celebrity death. Match

the congressional hearings stone cold.

Aren't you going to say something?

They're going to hang us. Just stay cool,

Nick. I've got a plan. And now, ladies

and gentlemen, the worst of the worst of

the worst. It seems these two gentlemen

have an obsession with. There have the

buttocks, Senator, What are you

delving into here? I'm delving

into some buttocks. These two

gentlemen have an obsession with

human *****. Roll the ossis.

This is my address. This

is Travolta's big fat dumper.

What the?

Oh my God someone get that man a shoehorn

and it doesn't look like he's been

locking a lot of time at the gym.

I got more gas than a

Texaco station getting launches A rectal

rocket. Ohh,

my asss. It's NYPD Blues. Dennis

Franz. The camera loves that guy's

book. Your ***** mine and I

hope it's hungry.

I've got a bad case of blow,

Johnny. Did you RIP one? I think

it's coming from that confounded duty.

You can kiss my big mummified *****.

Unbelievable Sleep delights the

deathmatch crowd with his latest release.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

folks. For those viewers just tuning

in, Calista Flockhart is currently up

Lucy Lawless's, but there's just no

other way. Just say it.

I've never seen such lewdness. Yes, it

is disturbing, but strangely arousing.

Sara Terry, I moved to dismiss the

case based upon the fact that we

are really sorry and we didn't. I

submit to you that Celebrity Deathmatch

is in fact a wholesome family oriented.

Joe and I respectfully ask permission to

let us show some clips in our defense.

Very well, Zippy. Here, take your best

shot. Alright, thank you senator. Ohh,

shout out examples of wholesomeness when

I see them. Now roll the friggin taped.

Look, it's Martha Stewart entertaining

friends in our ring. Good manners are

so important to the youth of today.

Actually, this occasion calls for

champagne. Ohh, emphasis

on pain. Good head hurl by Donnie.

Did you see that, Marie? Did you

see it? I flung the guy I5.

No, look at this. The Osmond siblings

are teaming up to express their true

feelings about their opponents. Talk

about family values. Doesn't this make

you feel good inside?Free, Marie.

Eric Roberts behind.

There's a button here and they say

yes, laser cannon.

Showcasing the latest in scientific

technology, the Beastie Boys and the

Backstreet Boys are using giant fighting

robots to really kick some mass.

There go the season ticket holders. And

of course, many of valuable history

lesson can be learned via the Celebrity

Death Match time machine. Like when we

used it to bring four of our

finest presidents into one ring.

Washington steps up his attack, but Abe

has had enough. How about that?Think

it's blown his lips. Well struck.

Game. Bully. Bully. Good show. Hang

on. Lights. Lights. Family values.

History lessons. What is this, some

kind of snow job? Why, yes,

I'd like that very much. Thank

you. No.

Gentlemen, I will agree that your show

can be educational, but you've desecrated

the memory of some of the greatest

Americans who have ever lived. People,

what happens in this fight is so

revolting and frightful that showing it

risks corrupting the very decorum of the

Senate. You'll notice my staff has taken

the time to. Tabulate the violence

for you. I'm going to

chop your ***** down outside,

George. Yeah, unbelievable. The trainers

are duking it out amongst

themselves. They're big blast from

Teddy's big stick. Help me,

Harry. Ohh.

Ohh.

Lincoln ducks and fleeting liberty

pays the price. Holy smokes,

what a move. Lincoln set

Washington's teeth on fire.

Abe looking to put him away but he's

blinded with hot ash.

But Lincoln's got the torch.

And Washington is out, Johnny. These

fireworks are out of control. Really

fighting bully. There goes Teddy and

Dave. Oh, that's terrible. Disgusting

right on there. That's what I believe

that either miracle right off.

Well, gentlemen, you're clearly guilty.

Now, before I render my decision, what do

you have to say for yourselves?

I would like to say that I had

nothing to do with any of this and

it was all Johnny's idea. Order, order.

Mr. Diamond, Mr. Gonads, by the power

vested in me by the United States of

America, I declare you a guilty of

offending America with your unique brand

of over the top or cartoon heinousness.

I hereby sentence you to

no less than 10 hours

of community service.

Ohta, Senator, if I may

say one thing quickly, quickly.

My fellow Americans, I stand here today

not to ask you to like our

show, but merely to appreciate its

importance to the very fabric of American

Society. Senators, were it not for the

organized brutality of Celebrity

Deathmatch, celebrities would be fighting

in our streets. Imagine the horror of

watching Sean Penn and Weird Al Yankovic

slugging it out in the middle of

Hollywood Blvd. At least with our simple

little program, they can fight in a

controlled and televised way. Because

when it comes down to it, we all

know celebrities are pretty darned

annoying. Thank you here, here.

Senator, you're out of line. No, Bobby,

you're out of line. I can't hold my

tongue any longer. This young man is

right. Celebrities are annoying. Tell me,

son, can you do anything about that

freaking Bill Maher? Yeah. Those damn Goo

Goo Dolls. They really ticked me off.

Hey, what about that Tom Arnold? I'd like

to see his head. Open my mail

piece. Hey, what about Hillary Clinton?

Take out Hillary Clinton. Ohh. Dilbert.

Dilbert. Ohda. Ohda. These men are

guilty. Take them away. Senator, Maybe

you should reconsider. The people have

spoken. Don't tell me how to

govern, you washed up jock Carney.

Boston. Who are you calling a KAMI? I'm

Greek. Senator Azar. Attorney. I'd ask

you to please address your comments

directly to me. Look here, monkey boy. If

you don't get your leotard wearing ****

out of my Senate, I'm gonna kick it all

the way to Arlington. With all due

respect, Sir, you don't want to go there.

It's too late. I already am there. Our

security. Mr. Cole the resting Ohh,

rest me yourself, grandpa, right now,

right now.

Holy cow, Johnny. Senator Kennedys

flipped his lid. Looks like we've got a

death match on our hands. Senator, I

think you should reconsider. I'm half

your age, twice your strength, and not

afraid to demonstrate on your sorry

*****. Perhaps you're right. Yeah, smart

move. Or perhaps not. Come

on, Chester, come get a piece of

the Massachusetts Sarah Madman. Ohh.

Colder. Thanks for the gavel, but it's

no match for Senator Kennedy's enormous

head. You're mine now, Trump.

Gold is how cold you people

are against me. Always against me.

Enough is enough. Yes. Wow. Senator

Moynihan of New York is taken

out with a Hyannisport headbutt. But

here comes the good gentleman from

Mississippi, Senator Trent Lott.

The dreaded Biloxi brain badge. Capital

punishment at its finest. But Ted's got

something in his pocket. Looks to me

like 1/5 of whiskey. Looks to me

like 1/5 of pain. That liquor is

going to Trent Lott head. He's going

to need a Plan B.

Ted Kennedy taking a beating from the

House Speaker. It may be in trouble,

Johnny. You shouldn't have messed with

me, Ted. I'm gonna feed your feet to your

*****. You haven't got the grapes.

Print block making good on his threat

unprecedented. He's going to have some

explaining to do Johnny. That moves been

banned in over 40 states, but it doesn't

seem to have slowed Kennedy down a bit.

Nick, here he comes again. Hey Hatch and

take a seat.

Here you go. Here, here, here. The

senator from Utah is in trouble right

on there. That's what I'm thinking. Too

much excitement for the senator from

South Carolina.

Ted Kennedy inflicting serious damage to

the bodies of the congressional body.

He's unstoppable. They've Kennedys going

to town with the House Ways and Means

Committee. But here comes stone cold

again. Looking

to deliver his

closing arguments. Oh

oh uncle.

What? Where? Where am I? What happened?

I'll tell you what happened, Senator. You

tried to k*ll Congress. Yeah, and ought

to do the same to you. But out of respect

for the governing body of the American

people, I'm going to spare you here.

I'm so humiliated. Ladies and

gentlemen, I I apologize for

my aggressive behavior. Yes, of

course, Mr. Diamond. Mr. Gonads,

please excuse my inexcusable actions.

I had no right to

try and k*ll your attorney

here. Here, hope you can forgive

me. Ohh. We forgive you, Senator, but

I hope you've learned a lesson. And

what lesson is that, Mister Gonads?

Television does not make people violent.

Yeah, some people are just born that

way. Lesson learned. You gentlemen are

free to go woohoo.

Has anybody seen my arm? Van Demonium

rocks Capitol Hill as the Celebrity

Deathmatch hearings drawn to a dramatic

close for CDM span. This has been

flipped Sprinkle in Washington Good

fight, good night.