03x07 - Teen Night

[bunniefuu]

Which team which will cast the ancient

spell of the kicking of the ***** which

terrible twin will tear the other limb

from identical limb? And which celebrity

couple will be crowned king and queen of

the deathmatch crown? Find out. Tonight

Don Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello everybody, I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond. Welcome to a very special

episode of Celebrity Deathmatch as teams

from all over America are here to

celebrate our first ever team night. Rest

assured, we're all in for a night of

good, clean teen style fun and what a

******* fight card we have. Lined up for

you kids tonight. There's magic in the

air for our first out, when 2 enchanting

starlets used their dark powers of

necromancy to necromance the hell out of

each other. Melissa Joan Hart, also known

as Sabrina the Teenage Witch, will be

taking on Alyssa Milano, one of the

bewitching young sisters from Charmed.

Our second bout has been 15 years in the

making, and now that they've reached

puberty, they're ready to unleash their

raging hormones on each other. Mary Kate

versus Ashley, which Olsen twin will

survive to see Sweet 16? Finally, what

better way to finish off this teen night

than with our main event, the death match

from Like Any Problem. They'll be dining,

dancing, and of course, the crowning of

prom King and Queen. Competing for the

Crowns will be two of today's hottest

young heterosexual couples from Party of

Five, one of TV's most popular on-screen

customs, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Scott

Wolf, and a glamorous real life couple

that's all too familiar with Cruel

Intentions. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan

Philly But first something wicked this

way comes a witchcraft fight between

Melissa Joan Hart and Alyssa Milano. Word

has it Alyssa feels Melissa is trying to

what up her as the sexiest switch on

TV. With those two involved, it's gonna

be the sexiest texting ever. Let's go

down to the ring where Mills. Man is

waiting to do his wizardry. He can't seem

to find either one of our supernatural

combatants. Looks like Mills is on a bit

of a witch hunt. Where is that Melissa?

Joan Hart?

Sorry I'm late. I had to do a little

shopping in the other realm. They had a

sale on designer ambulance. And where is

that? Alyssa Milano? You know, Nick, that

Sumbitch Mills has cut there. Get that

man some conditioner. Ohh,

what a charming surprise. It's our other

combatant, Alyssa Milano. But where's the

real Mills? Melissa? Melissa. Now I don't

want no fake David Copperfield crap. I

want some real old fashioned witchcraft.

Now let's. What the hell

is this dress? Maroon ain't even mycolor.

That's more like it. OK, now let's get it

on. Alyssa, you have been such an

inspiration to me going from clean cut

child star to cheesy men's magazine pin

up. But two can play at that game.

I used to be a teenage witch, but now

I'm for adults as well. Listen to Pag.

There's only room for one sexy young

witch in Hollywood, and that's me.

Wow, they don't make witches like they

used to do. They spell binding. Johnny,

say goodbye to your beautiful skin and

hello to my favorite kind of blemish,

the grotesque single haired warns. Yeah,

well this will put a damper on

your magazine pictorials.

Ohh, my nose. Ohh, look at that

honker. You could hang a billboard on

it. Feel my wrath, you old toad.

That's Melissa's know, Annie Oakley. She

could stand along a couple more hours.

That's a firing range.

You think that's funny? What's funny is

you? What the hell?

Tawdry little bit.

This black magic is getting out of

control. They started out AS2 lovely

young ladies and now they're though

they're just plain hideous. Incredible. I

haven't seen such otherworldly action

since the Wicked Witch of the East

beheaded Elizabeth Montgomery, and it's

taken quite a toll. Teen celebrities for

sideshow attractions. You be the judge.

That's it. I didn't want to have to

do this paddle ship the harsh maybe

around what's Melissa up to Johnny?

She's summoning her witches familiar,

Nick. It's usually an animal that has

special powers.

Ohh, Pretty Little Kitty. Ooh, a black

cat. What's it going to do, scratch

me to death? I can do much

more than that.

Incredible combinations from the cat,

Johnny. He's trained hard for this

fight and it's really paying off

tonight. Ohh, Kitty. Now kick our

*****. Ohh. Yeah, the magic cat

is where it's at. Just you

wait. Unstoppable. Our list is calling

upon. Through which is familiar. What

kind of strange sorcerer's apprentice

will it be? A snake? A Raven? Oh

my God. It's neither stick nor Raven.

It's Alyssa's old Co star from her first

TV show. Who's the boss? Tony Danza.

Listen. How's it going? Look, Kitty, I'm

going to show you who's the boss.

Really. Well, I plan on severing your

spinal cord.

What do you think of that this?



tail, but I shall take your life.

You know, pose this amazing battle going

to end. It's a bad situation, Johnny.

We're either going to get complaints from

the animal rights people or the Italian

American Association.

Looks like it'll be angry letters from

the People with No Faces Coalition. This

crowd is really having a ball with

Tony Danza. Looks like it's just you

and me, Melissa. Ohh. And my magic

broomstick. What the Hell's going on in

there? It's that. Damn. Black magic

Johnny, it's taking hold of the broom and

now the brooms taking color with Melissa.

Put me down from here, Melissa. How do

you like your steak? I prefer well done.

Classic water. Get rid of a witch, Nick.

I usually go for dunking them in the

river myself. Here. Kitty, Kitty, Kitty,

Kitty, Kitty. OK, Come on. Help me.

Kitty, help. Don't worry, Dark Mistress,

I'll save you.

Ohh crap.

Amazing. It seems that even witchcraft

can't defy the laws of gravity. I declare

Melissa Milano to be the wiki winner.

Well, there you have it, folks. Just like

magic, Melissa Joan Hart has been

transformed from an attractive young

witch to a great big smear on the

canvas. And Bill's Lane has become. The

first African American woman to RIP a

death match. I'm proud to be part of

history. Next up, They're cute, they're

silly, and they're going to get it on in

a no holds barred bloodbath to the death

right after this.

Welcome back folks to Celebrity Death

Match Team. Before we get started on our

second bout this evening, we have a few

announcements to make. It will be two

hours detention after tonight's match for

anyone else caught tipping over vending

machines in the Death Match lounge. Also,

if anyone has any information as to the

whereabouts of the popcorn guy's pants,

please contact security at once. Finally,

both Nick and myself intend to press

charges against anyone who continues to

throw bottles at the announcers booth.

Clearly our teenage audience is having a

lot of fun tonight, but becoming a

teenager can be difficult. Remember when

you turned 16, Nick? How could I forget?

I got my driver's license. Then we

borrowed my dad's Impala for the road

trip that would change my life. Then it

feels like yesterday that we were driving

across that border all the way down to

Mexico.

TJ.

They're the luckiest teenagers

ever.

Damn, a flat tire. Can you believe our

luck? Hey, maybe they have a payphone in

El Bangy Bangy. Are you sure that's a

good idea? This place looks kind of

sticky. Of course it's sticky. Mexico is

known for its humidity.

Hola me nombre

schnick diamond yo

necesito yama UN

grua. Ohh yeah.

Margarita wow, come OK, no

Saber SB compliant Nos Los

deuces diese, says entonces de

Margarita regalo de cumpleanos.

Nick, what about the car? To hell

with the car, Johnny. I'm in love.

Sick of Paris repenting? No

pero. Here's casarte conmigo casarme

contigo duce Margarita Sisi milk,

they say. See.



Ohh, sweet Margarita. I love that girl.

We would have been married too with the

w*r hadn't kept us apart. Damn that w*r.

What w*r? And who the hell is Margarita?

She's my lost love. Johnny, you were

there. Don't you remember? Ohh, I

remember alright, but I remember things a

little differently.

Disculpa me senorita me

language espanola esqui Edie

ando por favor digame

donde esta El cadero.

Americano Socio.

The scooper mania Freya millanga

espanola estimi adianto por favor

digame donde esta El cadero

Miss Pantalones son hechos de

salsa de manzana desiertos este

regalos contour chuleta de puerco.

I don't think he understands tango.

Ohh. Lord de puero and minari



luchador desnudo estoy mui incredibly

mente we as the melado.

Hey, hey, hey.

What the hell did you say to

him? I just asked to use the

telephone. Ohh.

All of them.

I don't know. None of that really rings a

bell. That's because we spent the rest of

your birthday in a Mexican hospital

recovering from serious brain trauma.

Brain trauma? Well, that would explain

the voices anyway, being a young adult.

Isn't easy, but we don't need to tell

that to our next fighters. You might not

have noticed Nick, but two of TV's most

adorable identical tikes, the Olsen twins

have grown up. They're now officially

teenagers, and like most teens, they're

tired of being treated like children and

even worse, identical children. Mary Kate

and Ashley figured teenhood is only. Big

enough for one Olsen twin. And tonight

there's a full house here, ready and

eager to see them fight. Make that a full

slaughterhouse, Johnny. In the

red corner, America's favorite team twin,

Mary Kate Olsen, and in the

blue corner, America's Favorite Team

twin, Ashley Olsen. Young ladies, this

is a fight to the death.

Now death may be something you

never thought about, so I'd like

to. Please. I hate you. I

hate you more. You're stupid. You're

stupider. Ohh. Hold on, missus. I

haven't even started the fight yet.

She started it. No, she did.

Just go ahead and get it on, Sir.

Apple jerk. Triple jerk jerk jerk.

Some tough talk matching some tough hits

from Ashley and Mary Kate. They may look

the same, but you can really tell they're

here to hash out their differences.

Not gonna look like me for long.

You're the one who looks like me, Judy

for brains.

The Olsen twins are bruised and battered,

but they still look identical. I'm gonna

tell Mommy on you.

Impact Wrestling skills from the twins.

Hey, Nick. Adorable, but deadly. Yeah,

well, I'm gonna tell Daddy on you.

Neither Ashley nor married Kate is making

much headway here. They look alike, they

talk alike. They fight to the death

like it must be incredibly frustrating.

For them, but not for the crowd. Nick

makes seem to love watching these two

young tikes beat the stinky Doo Doo out

of each other.

What the hell is that, Nick? Ohh, there's

something horrible coming down thataisle.

I'm scared. Incredible. What is this

strange creature climbing into the ring?

It looks like some kind of hideous

monster, while it kind of looks like one

of the Olsen twins, but but dirtier.

Where the hell did it come from? You let

out of the cage. Didn't you know? I

didn't. You must have done it.

My gosh, Nick, the legend must be true.

What legend? Johnny? The legend of Betty

Sue, the third Olsen twin. The one who

couldn't act Choose. But that's

impossible. She's real nice and she's

looking for revenge.

Ashley, maybe if we work together

we can kick her ****. Good

idea. OK, freak, we're

gonna put you back into your kids where

you belong.

I can't believe my eyes.

The third Olsen winners. Ohh

God ohh somebody gotta stop

this. It's just too damn

much.

And the winner is What's your name,

sweetie?The winner

is the third Olsen twin.

Ohh, that third Olsen twin is something

else. Cute and cannibalistic. And

fortunately for all of us back in a

cave, I expect we haven't seen the last

of that sassy little beast. Now we're

just moments away from our incredible

main event. One of our couples is

arriving outside even as we speak. Here's

Ryan Felipe, along with Reese

Witherspoon. Thank y'all for voting for

Ryan and I to be prom finalists. We're

touched by your support and promised to

try and pry the eyeballs out of our

opponents and to RIP out their guts and

crack their sternums. Ohh. So we'd like

to smash their skulls up from behind and

then we're going to dance the night away.

Coming up next, it's the most romantic

death match ever AS2 celebrity couples

fight to beat King and queen of

our death match prom. Who Will Win

this fabulous honor? Find out after this.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. On

tonight's show we've seen teen witches,

teen twins, and now we come to

the culmination of teenhood prom night,

the last big. Fall off before real

life. Time to have a little fun. Hey,

Johnny. Damn it. It's only a little

water. Johnny, You're just sorry you

didn't think of it. How? Only my fist.

Nick, you're just sore you didn't die

tonight. By popular demand, two young

celebrity couples will compete to be prom

king. Queen. It promises to be an

evening of elegance, excitement and

evisceration with our guests from TV's

Party of Five, Jennifer Love Hewitt and

Scott Wolfe. They may not be a couple

in real life, but maybe they'll have what

it takes on the dance floor of death,

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe. A

glamorous real life couple who are rising

stars in hits like Election and Cruel

Intentions. But will they rise to the

occasion tonight? Let's go down to Mills

Lane to find out. OK kids, I want

a good clean fight. No cheap shots, no

low blows and no smoking in the bathroom.

Now let's get it all.

Was about to be a lot of violence here,

Nick, but it's nice to see there's time

for romance as well.

Why am I even here? We don't date in

real life. Look, Scott, we worked so well

together as a couple on TV, and I've just

got to be prom queen if it kills me.

And even if it kills you, man, sugar, I'm

as thirsty as a catfish.

Then we'll k*ll those two little TV

stars. Race is taking a refreshment

break, but she'd better watch out.

Check this out, Johnny.

Well, it happens at every prom. Somebody

spiked the punch bowl. Ohh.

Memo to Ryan This ain't no Studio 54. You

should not have been messing with my man

like that. Scott

and Reese just aren't seeing things eye

to eye. Reese attacking

Scott Wolf with a Cornish hand.

Ohh, they're cute little wave that

Jennifer loves. Got some appetite Now

that's what I call a chicken breast.

Come on, Scott, you've got to help me

ring this Southern Bells bell. No, come

on. No. I want to go home.

Look Jennifer, I was just your boyfriend

on TV. I don't want to k*ll anyone in

real life. Hold on baby, I'll get you

down. Ohh.

Unbelievable but clumsy prospect from

Scottville wins the day. Good work

Scott, and check it out. Reese's

Pieces. Well, I guess we got

ourselves our Royal Cup. Here's our

prom king.

And this is the royal companion, the

death match, the prom queen. This. Are

you OK?What the

hell just happened to Jennifer LoveHewitt?

Umm. Incredible.

It's the third Olsen twin. Damn it. I

knew they should have put a lock on that

cage. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to

you our death match, Tom King and Queen.

Aredale Lovely couple. They sure are

Nick. It's been 1 hell of a

prom night with memories that will last

a lifetime.

Good fight, good night.