03x08 - Sex, Lugs and Rock 'n' Roll

[bunniefuu]

Smelled the punishment as too sexy sitcom

stars back the Shinola out of each other.

Takes me anguish when 2 reunited head

bangers bang heads and hear the hostility

when 2 mischievous Potterheads try and

mow each other. Down tonight,

Don Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello again fight fans, I'm Johnny Gomez

and I'm Nick Diamond. Before we get

started, we must warn you tonight's show

is a manly show for manly men. So if

any ladies are watching, now is your

chance to switch over to Lifetime because

there's nothing for you here.

Tonight's electrifying main event

features the twin Titans of NASCAR auto

racing, Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt.

They're two of America's highest paid

athletes and they'll risk everything when

they enter our revamp ring and our first

ever demolition Derby of death. Before

that, a pair of fast living rock stars

will try and slow each other down.

g*ns N' Roses frontman Axl Rose goes

to the mat with his former bandmate

Slash. But first up tonight, Spin City

star Heather Locklear takes on VIP star

and former deathmatch competitor Pamela

Anderson Lee. Bottom line, folks, it's

death in the fast lane tonight. 3

high octane fights featuring fast cars.

Best women and fast music. Call it



mean drugs, Johnny. Sex, drugs and

rock'n'roll. You can't say drugs on MTV,

Nick. Besides, I'm talking lug nuts as

in auto racing. Uh-huh. Fortunately for

everyone, it's time for our first fight

of the night. With tough Broads in

one little ring sounds like a blueprint

for bloodshed. Of course, we all know

that these two ladies have something else

in common. And here he is, Pam's current

husband and Heathers ex Tommy Lee. Hey

mind some kind of ******* fight bro? Whoa

dude. Hey, what the hell talk about?

No, Hung. That's right Nick, we're giving

these ladies something else to fight for

Tommy Lee's life. Inside that pen is a

herd of baby South Carolina tree monkeys

who haven't been fed in a week. As

the fight progresses, Tommy will be

lowered closer and closer to their

ravenous, razor sharp baby monkey jaws.

What?And it looks

like our fighters are entering the arena.

Here she is. Starro VIP Babelicious

Bruiser Pamela Anderson Lee. Word on the

street has it Pan's massive breasts have

been reduced. Expect to see a leaner,

meaner fighter here tonight. What are you

doing here, lover? Aren't you supposed to

be?Get off

my case, Muffin. Can't you see I

got monkeys snapping at my unit and

her opponent. The most liberated and

powerful stereotype ever to emerge from

the spelling franchise. Heather Locklear.

Tommy. I wish we'd never met, but

that's OK. You'll be monkey chow soon.

Hey, let's go to the ring where referee

Mills Lane will explain the rules to our

fighters. OK, ladies, if you want Tommy

to live, stay the hell away from that

switch. If you want him to die, throw the

switch and those cute little critters get

their den there. Let's get it on.

I don't care if you try and k*ll me,

just leave Tommy out of this. He's the

father of my children, damn it. Not to

mention God's gift to women. That's

funny. I think he's God's gift to the

baby tree monkeys. There goes Heather and

she throws the switch.

I spend my life trying to be

a positive role model for women. Then

your wife and her giant can spoil

everything, but not anymore.

I guess Heather's the VIP now. VIP.

How do you mean? Johnny visibly in

pain. Ohh.

Ohh, thanks lover, I love you so damn

much. I love you too lover, no matter

how many times I have you arrested.

Here's something I call the Heather Lock.

Did that hurt Pam?Then

why?Hey, wow, just

like on our boat ride.

Ohh crushing blow. That **** ******

just got deeper.

Save me lover, you're so sexy.

Save me. Get in my

way and I'll cram that mini skirt right

down your face hole. Ohh,

and Pan's making her move.

You're going to need more than Loreal

clean makeup to take care of that,

but you're worth it. This toughest nails

lady is reduced to tears by the

Tom McCann shoes. Stop. How does that

feel, Amanda? Pretty good or no, Damn

it. My name is not Amanda. My

name is Heather.

Ohh we all know how much celebrities hate

to be confused with the characters they

play. Of my

hair, you. But black.

What did you call me?

I guess Pamela Lee has heard enough.

You're next you tattoo covered 10 year

old. Ohh yeah, well, you could just buy

me two Heather. I'll pass, but the three

monkeys won't get me down. Somebody.

That's it, pig. I was going to break

these out for Penthouse, but by then it

might be too late. Ohh. Like I'm really

afraid of those sloppy.

Haven't you heard about my surgery,

Heather? I am a different woman. Look at

this. Johnny's taking off her shirt. Can

she do that? Ohh. I'll definitely allow

her. Prepare to face the wrath of my

bionic bosom. Oh my

God, she's done more than have

her breast produced, she's had them

replaced.

Pair so freaking hot. These are

more than $1,000,000 tigers. Heather.

These are 10,000 Volt Tasers. Let

me demonstrate. This is for fighting

off my ears.

Oh my God. And this is for threatening

the life of Mike Tommy.

Here is being turned on by those

high voltage Hooters. Talk about busted

Johnny. And this it's like damn it

would now.

Ohh, looks like there might be a

problem with those nuclear knockers. Talk

about busted Johnny. How? What is wrong

with me? Does anybody have any lanacane?

Ohh you dumb little brain fart. You

thought silicone was dangerous? What did

you think was going to happen?You

filled those things with plutonium? What

do you mean?

Hands had a radiation leak. Those

mechanical meatballs are about to have a

meltdown. Talk about busted, Johnny. Stop

it Nick. I'm picking this up to DEFCON



Incredible and probably has blown her

Twin Peaks. Miss Lee, are you

OK? Can you continue?

I'll take that as a no Heather Locklear

as the winner and Tommy Lee is about

to be the other loser.

Fantastic finish Heather Locklear

dominates the Lee household to win the

title of most babylicious TV stars. She's



about tonight. Fast cars, fast women and

fast music. All we need now is some

fast drying latex paint. Hey Johnny, you

know, along with the fast. Cars and

stuff. Whatever, Nick, we'll be right

back.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch,

where our second fight is about to get

underway. Axel Rose versus Slash. They

haven't performed together since they're

falling out several years ago. Axel

still. Controls the name g*ns and Roses,

which currently includes only one

original member. We can only wonder how

mad Slash must be that this new band is

giving his old band a bad name. While we

know it wouldn't be hard convincing these

two to get in the ring, it was nothing

compared to actually locating Axle and

had it not been for the Valiant efforts.

Based Deathmatch correspondent Debbie

Matenopoulos. They might never have found

him at all. I'm standing at the edge

of the treacherous California Backcountry

known as Pacific Palisades. Legend has it

the one they call Axel lives in the

makeshift bachelor pad deep within this

rugged terrain. Let's go see if we can

sniff him out. Wow.

Who the hell are you?I'm

here to offer you a chance to settle your

differences with Slash in the Death match

ring. Death match? Ohh, why didn't you

say so? Ohh. I hate to say it, Johnny,

but Debbie might as well take full credit

for Axel's recent return to the

limelight. And here he comes. Now he

seems to have clinged himself up a bit.

Since we last saw him, boy, that

timeless bandana plus k*lled look never

goes out of style. And there's his

opponent. 153 lbs on the air. Drum

pounding power Slash. Common Slash

getting the ring. Get in the ring.

Slash may need to do something about

that hair he's having trouble even

finding. Get that man a beret. I

want a good clean fight. g*ns are not

permitted, but I suppose roses would

brighten things up a bit. Let's get it

on.

And this headbangers brawl is underway

with a brutal suplex followed by

a rotating axle.

Incredible death match action.

I think slash is something stashed away

in that hack. I

know that sound. It's a dentist drill.

Who knew he'd ever been to a dentist? Get

the hell away from me, you hairy freak.

Stop using the g*ns and Roses name on all

your crafty albums. Stop appearing on

Hollywood Square. I was never on

Hollywood Squares. Well, I'm sure you

will be soon. And

slash attempts to impossible for full

frontal lobotomy without anesthesia, but

actually speaks scholars deflected the

attack and now he's really mad.

I can see you'll need more convincing. By

the way, are you allergic to king cobra

venom?Inconceivable Axles

still got that trademark dance routine

down. What an entertainer. Pretty good,

Phil Bailey. But I've got something

better. I'm afraid to look, Johnny.

Really. Remember how you needed a

little patience, Axel? Well, how'd you

like to be a patient in

a hospital?Farmer humming and usage

by Slash. That is one rock'n'roll

Reaper. But did he miss his

target? Apparently not. Johnny, You know

where you are. Axel. You're in

the jungle, baby. You're gonna die.

Slash wants to send Axle on a one way

trip to Paradise City. Even without his

feet, he's too fast for the Reaper. He's

got a hold of one of the ropes.

Ohh, I'm blinded. Let's

establishing slash slashes. Then

is slashed himself.

You picked the wrong dude to mess with

Slash. I'm gonna bring you to your.

Please.

Look out Axl's tying slash

to the turnbuckle. Learned

this move back when GNR played the Isle

of Wight. Nick, what the hell is this

psycho doing? Ancient Scottish soldiers

wearing kilts such as axles always

carried A dagger strapped to their ankle.

Tradition has it that once a soldier

removes it from its scabbard, he can't

put it back without drawing blood, even

if it's his own. It's a scissors, Nick.

Ohh that must be a different

prediction. Ohh no no, not this

scissors please.

Axel is giving slash a little off the

top and like Sampson before him slashes

actually getting weaker. Can it be the

secret of slashes strength is his hair?

Looks looks like Axel has taken a lot

off the top. Amazing. Looks like a brain

Sunday and axles ready to dig in.

Slash, buddy, I used to love you, but

now I have to k*ll you. But first

I'm gonna t*rture you.

And Paxil sprinkles red hot habanero

pepper sauce and slashes most sensitive

organ. What kind of cruel maniac is

this feeling? A little hot headed? Let

me k*ll you off. This is horrible.

Slash has Ben g*y on the brain.

I can almost feel the painful tingling.

Appear in the booth hungry. How about if

I make you an omelette? I don't believe

it. Axel's making breakfast out of

slashes, train. Ohh, slash

may have had enough.

I know it sounds crazy, but that kind of

brain scrambling has been known to reduce

a person's intellect down to grade school

level. What are you saying Johnny? I'm

saying he's no longer a hell raising rock

star. He's an 8 year old with a hankering

for arts and crafts.

Slash has made paper dolls out of

Axel. What an artist flashes the winner.

Hey Johnny, check it out. I learned

this during those high flying days and

announcers college.

Ohh, I used to be really good at

this. Shouldn't that be an aluminum can?

Ohh yeah. Well, I'm afraid the manliness

is about to get manlier with our

Celebrity Deathmatch demolition Derby of

death. As you can see, we've converted

the deathmatch ring into an actual race

track. Of course we've taken. Every

safety precaution to protect our fans.

But when it comes to entertaining our

fans, well, we don't take chances with

that either. That's why we made sure that

the vehicles our fighters will be

competing in tonight are as dangerous as

humanly possible. Let's take a look.

Unsafe at any speed. That's our motto

here. And that's why crash helmets and

seatbelts. That's strictly forbidden.

Plus, we've taken the liberty of removing

all foam padding from the seats, thereby

ensuring uncomfortable pressure on the

buttocks and on the car radios. Nothing

but bumbo #5 that ought to ****

them off. And

it sounds like our races are about to

enter the track. Here they are, two of.

Just cleaning up. OK, Wait. Here

they come now, Johnny. Ah, yes,

there they are. Two of NASCAR's

toughest #24 Wonder Boy, Jeff Gordon,

and #3 Dale the Intimidator, Earnhardt.

These two are some of the highest paid

athletes in sports and two of the most

beloved by their tobacco chewing fans.

Lord Earnhardt, I want a good clean

Derby. Ohh. Hey Mr. Mills, where's that

finish line at? This ain't no race, son.

This is a demolition Derby to the death.

You're finished when you're dead. If

you understand.

Gentlemen, start your engine.

Now let's get it on.

Ohh, man, ohh. Run y'all in the ground, 6

feet into the ground, to be precise,

where you'll bring it on. All right, all

right.

In readable demolition action. Hey,

Johnny. I don't know, Nick. It seems like

it's only the cars that are getting hit,

but I think it's about to heat up. Here

comes Gordon Freddy to draw first blood.

Gonna send you up to that big jiffy Lube

in the sky.

Gordon takes out the starting light and

loses an arm in the process. Forget can

of whoop pass. Earnhardt opens up a

gallon of super unleaded half. Learn that

one from the Dukes.

The Bills sling signaling caution.

And the pit crew moves in to put on a

spare.

This deadly Derby is back on.

Gordon unleashes the razor sharp hook

catch from hell.

Playing signaling freak Test match

action. Damn it to hell boy y'all chewed

up my leg. The intimidator is going to

have a hard time working the clutch after

that.

There's nothing like a good old fashioned

tire iron upside the head to even the

score. You got a fast car, kid. Put your

brain slowed in molasses. Been kept in

the icebox all night. What did he say,

Johnny? Something about molasses?

And here comes Earnhardt.

Fulton cleans his windshield while

sending air into the wall. Unbelievable

efficiency. Grandpa is going to fry you

up like a Waffle House poke chop.

What the hell? Yeah, bro couldn't

attempting to jumpstart his opponent.

After five ******* boy, this is turning

out to be 1 shocking knife. Somebody

better call AAA.

And Dale Earnhardt's breaking out a

secret weapon factory installed Chinese

throwing stars. I'm

still in this fight but his vehicle made

me down for the count and Taylor Hutch

looking to make his move. Well let him

big dog eat. Wicked

William Death.

And Earnhardt sweetens the competition.

Order that damn fool at

now.

Ohh heck, what role would my damn vehicle

looks like? Dale's having some kind of a

tire problem That's more than just a

problem, Nick, That's Jeff Gordon. Paul

how they don't that beat all looked like

I got Janelle sucker chump.

Turning Jeff Gordon into into

stupid Bud Damn hard is

the winner.

Those deals have slipped. Incoming. Ohh.

This race is over and the

Intimidator takes their sacred flag.

Nick, Nick. No, Nick, not again.

Come back to Nick. Come back

to me, Nick. Hey, quit slapping

me, Johnny. Nick. My God.

Are you OK? Of course I am. Where's that?

The best fight ever or what? You said it,

old pal, and I sure am glad to have

you back. So until next time for

Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez.

And I'm Nick Diamond. Hey, how about you?

Let me say the closing line this time.

Sure, why not Live from New York. It's

Saturday night.