03x09 - Johnny & Debbie... In Love?

[bunniefuu]

Who will be the richer when two game

show God's grapple for greatness? Which

peewee will prevail when a pair of

pugilists vie for victory? And what

happens when a well connected movie star

faces the six degrees of devastation?All

this on a side order

of slam tonight on Celebrity

Deathmatch. Hello,

everybody. I'm Nick Diamond. My co-host.

Johnny is. He's not here yet,

so hold, hold on. What's that

go? You want me to go?

Really. All right. Well, goodnight,

everyone. What? Ohh. OK, keep going.

You'll have to excuse me, folks.

It's live television, you know. The

contestants in our first match have been

battling it out on the network airwaves

for months. Regis Philbin and Chuck

Woolery play America's favorite family

game, and then once an Oscar winner, the

others are deceased. Corsican battle

Emperor Joe Pesci takes on Napoleon. And

in our main. Event of Footloose fighter

defends his life and the game that bears

his name as Kevin Bacon takes on all

comers. All this and more as soon as

Johnny. Hello, Nick. Good evening

everyone. I'm sorry I'm late. Good to see

you, Gomez. You sure had me worried. Hey,

where's your tie? My tie. Ohh, yes.

Must have misplaced it somewhere. It

doesn't matter now. Can you think of the

last place you saw it? Do you remember

having it at anytime today? No. Let's

move on. Attention. Johnny is missing his

tie. It's a skinny black bow tie. Just

forget it, Nick. Hey, Johnny, take my

spare. I don't want you looking like a

fool. By now, just about every person on

every continent has heard about Regis

Philbin's runaway hit Who Wants to Be a

Millionaire? And since the ratings have

skyrocketed, so has the competition.

Leading the pack is green with host Chuck

Woolery. But they're not playing for the

big prizes tonight. They're playing for

their very lives. As you can see, our two

contestants are. Down to their chairs

with tight metal bands. Answer a question

correctly and what limb is free to use

the high tech death pedals attached to

each chair. Answer a question incorrectly

and the pressure of the metal bands is

increased. And now it's time to play. Who

wants to be a dead game show host? Let's

go, I'm going to finish you. It's been



for nothing. Copycat claim jumper. Trick

question one. Which of the following

is not a fruit? Is it

a banana? B orange? C airplane?

D apple? I believe it's C

airplane. That's right.

Ohh my head kick starts his

lead with an ultra high tech

rusty pipe. Question two we just

this is for you. Which of

the following is not a language?

A French B Spanish C airplane

D English. I can't. Think clearly

is it B? Well, I'm sorry, we

just the correct answer was C airplane.

Question three Chuck, which of the

following is a man made flight machine?

Is it a tricycle, B automobile, C

airplane, Correct. And Wolverine that's

another foot free.

Whoa, look at that machine Go. It really

seems to be enjoying itself down there. A

crushing blow for Phillip. He spent a lot

of money on those pearly whites. 1 or



Regis. Regis. He's in bad shape. Johnny

Regis, can you?Continue. I think

so. Ohh. When does this game

end? When one of you is

dead. OK, what's the question? Question



of a lady B party C

airplane D Chinese food I think

I may need. Some help Johnny, it looks

like Reaches is going to be the first to

use one of his death lines. Who would you

like to call Rajesh? My wife. Joy.

Hello. Hi, honey. Look, I'm on this show

and I can't just. I need you to

listen to me. The answer is C, OK,

All the answers are C. You think so?

Regis, You're delirious. You're cranium

has been smashed. Just say. Say.

That makes a good point, but I'm going to

go with D I'm sorry Regis, but that is

incorrect. These

questions are stupider than the ones that

are shows. Well, we're moving up to

round two and the games going to

be a bit harder. What's the average

yearly rainfall in the Chipotle section

of Belize? Is it A three inches,

B 3.2mm C 3.7 cubits, D4 inches?

Hey, what happened to airplane? No,

that wasn't my answer. Ohh, my

hand. There goes Wolverines rolling.

Question 6 Regis, at what time

of the year do the elusive

Ecuadorian minor bats lay their eggs?

Is it a spring? B summer?

C Winter?D Fall Ohh, I don't

know. What are we doing anyway? Couldn't

we all just go out and make some soup

for the homeless? Money isn't the answer.

Don't just see. See, Winter is correct

and Regis is back in the game. Now let's

see what he does with his death pedal.

Johnny. Ohh wow.

Question 7 Chuck, how many people

in the Japanese village of Akimbo

are left-handed? A 22,000 B 1700?

Let me out of this damn

chair. For a check

that is incorrect. Glory

stands have been cut off. That's got to

hurt. And look, Johnny, my God, he's

loose and he's approaching the death

match 3000.

Jack. Glory has

taken out the deathmatch computer, but

what's he doing now? He's sharpening the

bone sticking out of his arms. I've been

waiting all day to make a hate connection

with your face, Philbin. Look, Chuck, I

don't dislike you or your show, that's

all. Just almost jump on the magazines.

Just help me out of this chair and we'll

both go home. No, no, I think it's time.

For the Terminator, ohh, no full arrives,

breaking out his signature move. So how

would you like to die in your

sleep? B drowning C in an airplane

or DI drive these razor sharp puppies

through your chest and pull your lungs

out. See half plane. Is that your

final answer? Yes. Correct.

That really was your final answer.

Ohh. I'd appreciate Chuck Woolery to

be the winner. Well Johnny, I

guess greed is good and gory,

and there's a lot more gore

in store after this.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch and

our second undercard fight of the night.

Thanks to the scientific wonder of the

Death Match Time Machine, you're about to

witness a fight you can't see anywhere or

anytime. Hey, what's that? What?

Ohh. It's nothing. Those were handcuffs.

No, they're not. They're not handcuffs.

They sure look like handcuffs, but

they're not. Nick. Now, before our

special guest arrives, why don't we tell

our viewers a little about this grudge

across the generation? OK, Johnny, He

reshaped Europe. He built. Turn France,

he stood 5 foot 2. Napoleon Bonaparte's

famous for doing more damage with less

footage than any other person in the

history of the world, with the possible

exception of this man, at 5 feet 5

inches especially, has stepped up to the

plate. And the challenger

all the way from 18th century

France. What's Debbie doing down there?

She's running The Time Machine, Nick.

Let's see, 1794. She's running The

Time Machine. That bimbo can't even

work a wrist watch.

And now it works. Hey, Diamond.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Suck my

asss. You're an old lady. May

I present Jen on the bullion?

Bonaparte?Welcome,

mate. What's going on, Josephine? Ohh, my

dear, Who is this lovely vision of

the blonde and the toll? Hi. Thanks.

But you're a little old for me

by about 150 years. Don't you know

who I am, you big yellow bird?

Let's go. Due to their short stature,

we're forcing these Kitty sized fighters

to battle it out with Kitty toys. In

accordance with child boxing laws, both

fighters must be measured and certified

as tall enough to k*ll her. She Napoleon,

you must be as tall as Fluffy the

Bear to fight to the death.

OK, you're good. Next.

I'm gonna have to see you without that

hat, Mr. Ohh, Mills doesn't like

what he sees. Nope, he's too short. I

won't allow it. Let's sell the NBC. Lu.

Did your mother pick you out of the milk?

What? Give me that freaking sign.

I'll definitely allow that, but let's get

it on and we're off. That blow by Pesci

was really below the belt, but I guess

they're all below the belt at that

height. You think that freaking

jack-in-the-box is gonna scare me? Even

the floss?Yeah.



and he's going for the educational but

potentially hazardous Kitty chemistry

set. Hey, how about some liquid nitrogen,

Bonaparte?

Unprecedented. Joe Pesci has frozen

Napoleon's arm, but he's not finished.

He's got the plastic ball and bat. You

think you're so tough, Frenchy? I hang

with the Niro. I was in Casino.

Wow.

Hey Blue, this is an outrage. I am the

folio. That's the time I was 30I ruled

France. By the time I was your age I

was dead. Napoleons wielding a super high

pressure mega squirter. What is this? How

does it work? Does it sink? It is so

great, greater than Napoleon.

Ohh that hits going to make Pesci 1

foot shorter.

About the.

Play. She's

built himself a mini guillotine with that

construction set and he delivers the old

slice and dice.

That she's really cooking. Now this is

a little trick I call 8 heads

in a toy oven. Ohh. Waterloo. And

it looks like Napoleon may have to

surrender. Hey, Johnny, You think that

Strawberry Shortcake? Yeah. This year you

have left me no choice. I must

use the ultimate in France. Henry.

Holy smoke, what is wrong with that hand?

Well, Nick, Napoleon comes from a time

long ago, before showers and deodorant,

and he is French. Are you saying that

hand has been resting in that *******

crusty pit for nearly 200 years? I'm

afraid so, Nick. It's it's Yeah, I

understand. I'm sorry,

I'm sorry. Lawn

darts, A lethal weapon like no other.

No, no, please not

let him see weak

say phone and the

hand he tries. Amazing

what Napoleon Lexon stature

he makes up for

with wild bloody brute

force.

And Pesci is out the perfect coffin

for a tiny terror. I declared Napoleon

Bonaparte to be the winner.

It's time for the main event. Kevin

Bacon against all comers. What? Ohh.

Well, how do I know what the

Hell's going on? What's that? You want

me to what? Fire him? I can't

find him. Right. Bear with us, folks.

We're experiencing technical difficulties

with my co-host.

This just isn't like him. I'm

the one that usually screws up

around here. Johnny. Johnny, are you

in there?

Debbie, this is no time for dress

up games. Johnny's missing and I'm

worried. Well, don't sweet talk me, babe.

This is serious. OK? Get it while

it's cold. What the Johnny and Debbie

Matenopoulos naked? It's not what you

think. Is that a whipped cream bikini?

Ohh damn it, you can both suck

my *****.

And to think I gave him my good spare

tie. Nick, I'm sorry, but what's the big

deal? It's just harmless casual sex.

Well, I want you to know I'm putting my

anger on hold for the rest of the night,

Gomez, but it won't be easy. Good now and

you can tell your little girlfriend the

bracelet she gave you is a pair of

handcuffs. I'm no idiot. Our number one

competitor is now entering the ring,

Kevin Bacon. It seems Hollywood's heavy

hitters are tired of all the attention

he's been getting over the Six Degrees of

Kevin Bacon game, a simple movie trivia

game for people with nothing better to do

with their miserable dead end lives. So

an open call was listed in the Hollywood

trades. Inviting any of Kevin's more

famous Co stars to come on down and fry

his bacon. How do we get him to agree

to this fight anyway? Nick by promising

that his little band the Bacon Brothers

could perform a song live for the

deathmatch fans. And he bought it. Go

figure. OK Bacon, let's get it on. And

this fight is on. Although. I don't see

any takers yet. I'll take him. Well, what

do you know? It's Meg Ryan. But wait,

Make Ryan hasn't been in any movies with

Kevin Bacon. No, Johnny. But look, look,

let me see here. She was in You've Got

Mail with Tom Hanks. I think he was in

The Man with One Red Shoe with Lori

Singer, who played Kevin's girlfriend in

his. First big hit footloose. Well done,

Nick Meg. I am a big fan.

So let's just go a few quick

rounds and then you can take a

dive. Deal. Geez, out of control. It's

Kevin versus a volcano.

Where do you get off having your own

little game, Bacon? I've paid my dues. I

was in Top g*n. Actually. Want to fight

me? I thought you were just here for the

publicity. Publicity my asss. I'm going

to show you and all those Academy voters

that I can stretch. Here's a little move

I call French Kiss.

Ouch. That tongue's gonna need its own

zip code. OK, you asked for it.

Finally getting serious in there.

Ohh, where'd she go?

She must have learned this move on the

set of As the World Turns, but Bacons

taken it for a spin.

Ouch, right? Through the flesh and bone.

Ryan is finished. Baking has proven he's

no ham, but who knows what challengers

are next?Ohh. Look,

Nick, our next contender has shown

himself and it's Barton. Lawrence Martin

is dressed a little warmly, isn't he? I

think he's trying to sweat off some extra

weight. Johnny, what's up? What's up?

Ohh what is up with Martin? In

my opinion this man is a paranoid

schizophrenic unfit to fight and he's

dehydrated. And I

get all the cookies. You leave me

no choice, son. Put Martin out of

his misery. Bacon. I don't know. Finger

cookies is good. You know, I didn't

want to do this, but let's dance.

Kick off your Sunday shoes. Bacons

Cutting footloose.

Tell them about it.

A mercy k*lling if I've ever seen one.

But who's gonna top that? Sandra Bullock,

Jar Jar Binks, Minnesota Governor Jesse

Ventura. What do you say, Nick? From

bacon to the body. Wait, wait. I can

feel it coming. Jesse. The body. Ventura

was in Predator with Arnold

Schwarzenegger, Who was in. True. Eyes

with Jamie Lee Curtis, who was in My Girl

with Macaulay Culkin, who is in Uncle

Buck with John Candy, who was in JFK with

Kevin Costner, who was in Night Shift

with Michael Keaton who is in Touch and

Go with Maria Conchita Alonso who was in

Running Man with none other than, you

guessed it, Jessie Ventura. I did it.

What about Kevin Bacon, Nick?What about

him? Look, Beacon, I don't care who you

are or what your name rhymes with. All

I know is your little game has given

me the excuse I need to get out

of Minnesota and kick some ****. It's a

once in a lifetime event, Johnny. The

body is back. Move over, bacon. Now

there's something meaner. Looks like he's

got a hankering for pork.

Ohh, nobody executes A Backbreaker

quite like Governor Ventura. Oh.

Oh, baby. Thank you, Sir.

May I have another? Why,

yes, you may.

Nothing like good old fashioned

gubernatorial Gore. Bacon. Bacon. Speak

to me. Ohh. That's it, I'm out. I

can't continue. No, come on, this was

just getting fun. Sorry son, you have to

fight to the death, but I don't want

to die. All I wanted was for me

and my brother to sing a song. For

these folks, there is no way they're

going to let you sing. Hey, is that true?

Yes and no. Well, what do you mean? I

mean, yes. There's no way we're going to

let you sing. I can't believe you tricked

me. I was scheduled to sh**t. She's

having another baby, and instead I'm here

getting my ***** whooped by this.

That's it. Bacons got over the

tower. Look at his goal. He's

executing the rarely seen Fist of

Chaos, and now Bitcoin is actually

climbing inside the body's body. He's

unstoppable. Consider yourself impeached.

This fight is over. I declare Kevin Bacon

to be the winner. Who's next? Christina

Ricci, Tom Cruise. You can go now. Sean,

you won. Before we say goodnight, we have

to thank you, Emperor. It was a pleasure

of pain to watch you fight this evening.

Yes. What do I mean? Well, the parting

gift. And deathmatch is usually your

life. Plus we'll return you to the

precise moment in time where you left

off. Right, Debbie, working on it. No

give. Then I will take my uncle.

That nutsacks kidnap Debbie. We can't let

him do this. Are you kidding? Let him

have her. This is the best thing that's

happened to me all year. I'm going out

and you're coming with me.

What the hell? Well, good fight,

good night.