03x11 - In the Head of Nicky Jr.

[bunniefuu]

What will happen when a self-righteous

rock group takes on a custom built

killbot who will play the role of the

Grim Reaper in a lethal thespian

throwdown? And will America's second in

command teach a poker prankster that

comedy?Does not pretty proper few

feet then prepare for pain

tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello, everybody. I'm Johnny Gomez. And

I'm Nick Diamond. Junior. I thought I

locked you in the bathroom. Well, hello,

Nikki Junior. How's it going, champ?

What? I said. How's it going? I

can't hear you. Your voice is inside

my head. Perhaps we should call a

priest. Relax, Johnny. He's just doing

this for attention. Ever since Captain

Duty possessed his soul last Halloween,

the kids been milking it for all its

work. The voices are getting louder.

Daddy, tell them to stop. No.

Here, go get yourself a soda. Yeah, soda

time. Soda time. And get some soda for

those voices, too. Hurray. Ladies and

gentlemen, tonight's Deadly Duckett

promises to be chock full of punishment.

First up, these rock Renegades talk the

talk. But can they walk the walk against

a metal monster with the same name? It's

rage. Against the Machine, Against the

Machine, Our second fight features 2

acclaimed actors and a dramatic

performance that pulls no punches. John

Cusack and John Malkovich will audition

each other for the ultimate death scene

and in our main event, this madcap

musician wrote a spoof song that hit this

career politician too close to home. Who

will prevail in the immortal Battle of

the Owls when Weird Al Yankovic squares

off against Weird Al Gore?

Shut up. Shut up. In there. Where's your

soda, Nikki? I poured it in my ear

to k*ll the little people. Ohh. Naked

now? You shuttled down or Daddy's going

to make you wear the iron mask. No,

not the iron mask. No. No.

Nick, what is this, the Spanish

Inquisition? What? The boy needs

discipline. Johnny, let's go ringside. As

our fighters are making their entrance,

there's Rage Against the machine. If

they're half as hostile in the ring as

they are on their records, they should

perform very well here tonight. I won't

do what you tell me. Do what

you tell them now. Just the ladies. I

won't do what you tell me. These guys

seem especially excited tonight, Nick.

And why wouldn't they be? Johnny Rage

Against the Machine will finally get a

shot against an actual machine and a

fully sanctioned battle to the death.

Let's hear from the married couples. I

won't do. What you tell me? Come

on, you stupid sheep, when I tell

you to say I won't do what

you tell me, don't do it.

Here comes our challenger, the machine.

This automated assessment may look

menacing, but we actually ordered it from

a kitchenware catalog. The machine was

originally designed for food processing,

but we made a few minor adjustments and

converted this metal mammoth into the

kitchen helper that dishes out dead when

you said. They were fighting the machine

we thought you were talking about, like,

capitalist oppression or something. Yeah,

we're monarchists. Marxist. Dude,

whatever. We don't wanna fight. No crazy

robot. You signed on the dotted line,

son. They get your commie pinko comrade

together. It's time to pay the fiddler.

Wait, where's Brad and Tim? Screw that,

man. I just answered the ad. Play bass.

Wow, it truly is on leave mean

k*lling machine. How fast you

cut through that rhythm section. Hold on

just a damn minute. No one gets it on

till I say let's get it on. You got that?

If match rule #1 don't ****

*** Mills. Now let's

get it on. Hey, look,

we we could change our name. It's

no big deal, really. Yeah, when we

call ourselves rights against the

capitalist w*r mongering United States

government or something. Look up the

robot. Real shaking like a rainbow trout.

But here comes Trump to the rescue.

Yo, machine, you're just a tool of the

system. Yeah, that's right. You were

produced in a third world sweatshop and

sold over here for blood money. Amazing.

Tom is reasoning with the machine. His

Ivy League education is paying big

dividends. Johnny, you're a product of

the so-called free market, but you're not

free here. Read for yourself. Tom is.

Offering the machine some communist

literature, does this mindless Droid have

the mental capacity to comprehend Karl

Marx?No,

it does not. Maybe the machine didn't

agree with Tom's liberal view. Whatever

the reason, Johnny, this leftist is gonna

have to be a righty from now on.

Oh, oh, asleep through you, my tongue.

You see the little bald guy he kicked

you go get him. You're barking up the

wrong tree. Machine they're suggest you

throw that thing in reverse or I'll

flatten your ***** into foil and wrap you

around my baked potato.

Rage cataracts with a double team

Supreme, but it's no good that

machines angrier than a rodeo Bronco.

What just happened? Could it be has this

tightened up? Titanium finally met his

match. I doubt it. Nick. Those haymakers

from Zach and Tom were not exactly

flying. Fist of Fury, Ken. Ken is

finished grade against the Machine is the

winner. Ohh yeah, just to the machine.

Long live range. Not a RIP Johnny. I

hope we kept the receipt because that's

the last manslaughter he mechanism I'll

ever buy through a catalog. Hmm, I wonder

what happened.

Ohh, hell can't stop us now. Pull

those calls to customer service, Nick.

The machine has somehow sprung back to

life.

The machine falls away with a punishing

pile driver with those little dwarf

bodies. These guys are going to have

trouble raging against offending Machine.

Talk about dividing. Conquer. The machine

clearly likes raged. Better dead than

Red. Better dead than Red. Johnny, this

unruly robot doesn't care. A polite

discussion. It bubbles its rage up

inside. What do you mean, Nick? The

machine preserves the peace and the body

parts containing this communist threat in

decorative gift jars. Is that what that

is? They're pickled people preserves,

Johnny. You wouldn't want to eat them,

but they make a nice stocking stuffer.

It's the thought that counts. Nick the

Machine. There's the winner. Rage Against

the Machine appears to have been

outraged by none other than the

Machine itself. Stay tuned for more

Celebrity Deathmatch after this.

Welcome back, fight fans. Next up, two of

Hollywood's most gifted actors, John

Cusack and John Malkovich, are about to

reprise their on screen antagonism right

here in the Death match. Lena, let's go

to ringside for the action.

Assuming there'll be a next fight,

shouldn't Cusack and Malkovich be

entering the ring about now?

You know, John, I don't normally do

television, but I just couldn't pass up

the opportunity to tear out your liver in

front of a live audience. Don't count

your chickens, Baldy. After the night,

you may get the Emmy for Best Performance

by a Blood Stain.

Hey, senor. Yeah. Could you throw me

another cold one?

You are not you. Look, Nick, we need

to get this fight rolling. I'm going to

go check the locker room. Wait. That

might be a job for Nikki. Here. Now,

son, do you remember how to behave? Let's

force this dwelling. Me Mucho mucho

mucho, son. Don't make me have to use

this. No por favor. No sombrero the

hero por favor. Ohh. I don't get

it Johnny. It's like we're speaking 2

totally different languages. I'll be

right back. 123422343 Have

you seen the two Johns? Yeah, but

one John was in the woman's room,

so I got kicked out. Look, Weird

Al, the crowd is getting restless. We

may need you and the vice president

to fight next. Johnny. I am ready

to face the challenges posed by Mr.

Yankovic anytime. Any place in the year



United States Army. Mr. OK, OK, fellas,

save it for the ring. Well, it looks

like there's going to be a slight change

in the fight card. Folks, all you

Alcoholics out there, get ready to be

knocked off the wagon because we have.

Just the thing to wet your whistle. These

two owls are far from pals, Nick. Weird

Al Yankovic recorded a weird album that

poked fun at Al Gore. This aloof

politician was left with no alternative

but to declare an all out w*r against the

Prince of Parody. I guess these two are

allied in their mutual hatred. Hey

Johnny. I'll say.

There's Al Gore lumbering his way down to

the ring. It's rumored that he doesn't

have any knee or elbow joints, but those

stories could not be confirmed or denied.

And there's the permed prankster himself,

Weird Al Yankovic. He's fixing for a

fight, Nick. Listen to him taunting the

Statesman with his wacky spoof. Mine eyes

have seen the boring and the numbing

about gore. He is talking like a robot

standing stiffer than a board. He is

wearing a blue suit that he wore the

night before. That suit is always on.

Glory, glory Hallelujah. How does he come

up with those crazy parodies? Well, Nick,

it's no eat it. But it seems to

have rattled the former senator from

Tennessee. Is

always.

All weird. I want a good clean

fight. Let's get it on.

Come here. It's early in this psychic and

Gore is already putting the taxpayers

dollars to work. Hang on now, this fight

is manual. Amana, I'm afraid your boys

here we're gonna have to ride the pine.

Ohh, I apologize, Mr. Lane, and I

sincerely retract those beatings they

gore. When I'm done with you, you're

going to be a stiff. Of course, then

you'll probably be more laid back.

Permission for a rebuttal? I'll allow it.

I appreciate your special brand of humor,

Weird Al, but you have slandered me.

My family and the American

people with your song. Gory

gory. Allelujah. Ohh Yeah. Well

here's something more patriotic. I

call this the Star spangled

Slammer. Ohh. Beautiful 4 flag

and amber waves of pain

or purple bruises. Missing

teeth around your pattern?

Outdoor Rica, Altory Rica. I

sprayed some Mace on these

and bound by God and

take thy button from cheek

to shining cheek. Ohh. What

do you think big guy?

I think that you have

assassinated my character, Mr. Yankovic.

And now I will assassinate yours

in the year 2000.

Thank you. Algora

tanks with the agility of a

pregnant cow. Ohh, and the flexibility

of a Ken doll. Hey out

duck. Whoa, get it, dog.

Go full for Weird AL's lame

duck joke, you wacky lady. Nutty

funster. Jacks the chicken. Ohh, working

it. Weird Al is doing a

new twist on an old polka

classic. You might call this the

Choke Your Chicken Dance. I'm sure

alcohol. This is the unborn

that clip on this evening.

Ohh. Whoa,

whoa, I'm making an executive decision to

end your life in the year 2000.

Gore has suffered an amazing barrage of

blows, and it keeps coming back to

face the music. What's his secret,

Johnny? Unlike Bill Clinton, who feels

everyone's pain, Al Gore. Capable of

feeling any discomfort. Ohh. Hey g*ng,

check out this new dance. It's called the

algorithm. You grab Al by the head and

you twist them real fast. You zip between

his legs and you kick him in the

*****. Oh my

God, did Al Gore just pass a bill

Johnny? It appears to be some kind of

flaw. Big catch, no luck. It's an

executive branch. Can't imagine how it

got up there in the 1st place. Whatever

the reason, losing that stick up his asss

has given Outdoor some newfound

flexibility. She's president, Sir.

Couldn't hit a guy with glasses, What,

I'm tell you. But then I'd have to

k*ll you. Weird Al. I think we're seeing

a looser and more confident Al Gore. Look

at him. He's taking an unofficial poll of

Weird AL's insides. In the words of your

infamous song, Mr. Yankovic, I would like

for you to eat. In the

year 2000, that's not an empty campaign,

promise, Nick. I think he's, yes, he's

sucking Weird AL's brain out through his

eyes. Sucking. I can't believe it. This

fight is over.

Gore may be my name, but Gore is

also my game. In the year 2000 face

President Gore is the winner. It appears

that Al Gore is the ultimate alpha male

after all. Johnny, when it comes to

crushing Corning comedians, he certainly

has my vote. Nick. But before he hits

the campaign. Well, again, he might want

to hit the showers. Stay tuned for more

brutal beat downs after these messages.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. If

you're just joining us, we're up to our

final free for all of the evening, John

Malkovich versus John Cusack. These two

Co starred in being John Malkovich. But

only one of them got his name in the

title, and Cusack has been miffed about

it ever since. Both of these battle

tested thespians have yet to hit their

marks. Nick and this crowd is not too

thrilled about the delay. That's it. We

need to get this show on the road. It's

almost time for my story if these boys

turned yellow. So help me, we're going to

go round. Turn around. You heard the man,

Nick. It looks like the real fight action

might be happening backstage. Oh,

Nikki, get that out of your ear. You

don't know where it's been.

Was in the toilet.

Boys, look here.

What the hell is that?

Where are we, Johnny? It appears to be

a human brain. Yeah, thanks for the

newsflash, Einstein, but this isn't my

first brain, okay? I spent four months on

location inside the head of this.

Michael, at least I have a

brain, John. Good one. Cue ball,

I guess. I couldn't see it

under all that hair. Alright, let's

go. Whoa, what was that?

What? God no.

Ohh, good heavens. We're inside the head

of Nikki Junior. Look at the bright

side, Nick. He has your frontal lobe.

Hey, let's get this thing on while

we're young. Well, folks, I suppose we'll

have to call this one feeding John

Malkovich. Surface of this

brain seems to be stickier than our

traditional ring. And Malcolm X has the

inventor. You know, John, in some

countries the brain is considered a

delicacy. What's the expression? Ohh,

yes, a mind is a terrible thing

to taste. They've gone Tuzak is chewing.

The scenery. And not by choice. Ladies

and gentlemen. I hope this isn't hurting

my boy Johnny. Relax, Nick. According to

most scientists, we only use 5% of

our brain. Nikki Junior probably doesn't

even feel a thing. No, no, no.

What the hell is that? It appears to be a

massive toilet bowl brush. Look how

people.

Oh, oh, it

come on. Stop.

Malkovich once they give two second piece

of his mind. Johnny, but he can't seem

to find him. There aren't too many places

to hide in the empty space between this

child's ears. Cusack issues are taken

down from deep within the subconscious,

and Malkovich is pinned beneath his own.

Mental block.

Hey head case, why did they name a movie

after you? I was the real *.

She's whipping him with a brain vein from

Grosse Point Blank Range. Next time, you

should try a more challenging role, like

playing someone other than yourself. If

the puddling continues at this rate,

Malkovich may be better off dead because

that is also the name of a movie that

John Cusack was in. Help me out here,

Nick. Coming.

Oh, shut up. That was it. A

brainstorm we just experienced. Folks,

that was a pain. Storm. Pain. Both

actors are now using the electrical

impulses as weapons. Malcolm. It shocks

Cusack with the neurons they trade blows.

What a tremendous. Internal

struggle. Daddy, Daddy.

Oh.

Daddy.



Johnny, Nick.

Ohh.

And the winner is OHH.

What happened? Am I alive? Ohh, that

action must have blown Nikki Junior's

little mind. Ohh.

John Malkovich is the winner. Thank you.

But but where's Nikki? I got him.

I got him.

Nikki, speak to me.

My head feels empty. I think my

brain popped out.

Your brain didn't pop out. Nicki, come

over here and give you a data big oldhug.

No, no. OK, well, that

about wraps things up for

Celebrity Death Match. This is

Johnny Gomez saying good fight,

good night.

Coming up next week, the

Battle of the Super Freaks,

James Hetfield versus Fred Durst

and a special appearance by

WWF wrestler Mankind when Celebrity

Deathmatch continues.