03x12 - The Battle of the Heavy Metal Maniacs

[bunniefuu]

Who will emerge alive from a test of

heavy metal Metal. Which of these

abominations of science will survive

under the deathmatch microscope? Plus a

mystery melee we don't even know who's

fighting. One thing we do know is all

these. Questions will be answered right

now on this cavalcade of carnage

we call Celebrity Deathmatch. Welcome,

everybody. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond, and with us is

our special guest, World Wrestling

Federation superstar, best selling author

and one heck of a sharp

dresser, Mankind. Fellas, I have to say

I'm a little nervous. Usually I'm in the

arena breaking bones and spilling juice,

not sitting around talking shop like a

bunch of fanboys on a Friday night.

Nervous. Come on, nothing scares you,

mankind. You're the only guy I know who

loves spilling his own blood. As much as

I love seeing it. You're freaking nuts.

Yeah, so is it nuts for a boy who

looked a little different to go through

school without even 1 friend? Is it nuts

for that lonely boy to grow up to be

a man who just wanted to be loved? And

is it not for that man to try to

get that love by fracturing his forehead

on a solid steel desk now?Oops,

sorry. Well, folks, the blood's already

flowing and believe me, it's not gonna

stop. In tonight's main event, 2 heavy

metal heavies will be bursting more than

eardrums as Metallica's lead singer James

Hetfield takes on Fred Durst of Limp

Bizkit. These guys may scream for a

living, but tonight they'll be screaming

for their lives. For a second match is

sure to be a surprise to you because it's

going to be a surprise to us. All we know

is that it will feature one of the

greatest wrestlers known to man. Time.

Who is it? Kane. The Rock Stone Cold?

Come on, tell me. Sorry, Mankind, when

the time comes, believe me, you'll be the

first to know. But now. It's time for

our first fight, round two in our Super

Freak round Robin of Death. In our first

Battle of the Superfreaks, inbred Cousin

Grimm took on skateboard punk Pierce

McCracken. Grim got me first and

unplugged some of Pierce's piercings, but

the pockmarked punk was quick to

retaliate, lopping off Cousin Grimm's

head within seconds cussing. They've

sprouted in entirely new body and then

made his move. The Alabama spine slammer

Pierce McCracken was Mick History and

Cousin Grimm took home the freak belt.

Tonight hot off the Bunsen burner, we've

got 2 brand new mutated molars. The

winner will take on Cousin Grim in

the upcoming Championship week. Also, big

freak out and it looks like

the menacing monstrosities are making

their entrances here. He is a

chef who does his best decoding

outside the kitchen. The Buddha of

puncturing the culinary kamikaze. Benny

Kruma. Hello

does Max fans anybody hungry?

These genetic deviants may not have the

pay or play movie deals or the five

album record contracts, but their cells

are packed with enough celebrity DNA to

drive any audience. While with his

appetite for cooking up destruction, it

seems like Benny Trauma here could

contain parts of Emeril Lagasse and

Jackie Chan, but he's all frequented. I'm

stuck carving up on the hill, which

is exactly what his challenger is to

him. There he is, the savage start,

the k*ller carbohydrate potato cod. Don't

try serving him with ketchup. This guy

prefers the taste of blood. I am

not an animal.

I'm October, but Tito Conn's origins are

unusual, even for a freak. Let's take

a look. As Stone Cold

was hard at work churning the guts of

past celebrities into the current batch

of freaks, some foreign DNA fell into the

mix. But tragedy turned to triumph as the

DNA of the French fry was successfully

recombined with the celebrity DNA.

Potatoes are short guy with a huge chip

on his shoulder. In other words, he has

the same genetic makeup as all of

Hollywood. I'm guessing he's got a little

Joe Pesci in him, as well as some Genghis

Khan. OK, freaks, listen up. I don't

approve of genetic engineering when it

comes to my grub. In your case, I'll make

an exception. Now let's get it all. I've

had to deal with your kind my whole life.

Just because my grandparents grew up in a

pile of dirt doesn't make you better than

me. Potatoes on you are

very funny but at 450° with some chives.

But you won't be so funny anymore here.

Damn it, it took my schnauzer any

trauma. Starts the action with a quick

nose job. Hmm. And it smells delicious.

Ohh do we have a birthday here

tonight? Welcome happy birthday boy.

Tonight I prepare for you a special



Appetizer. Ohh yeah. How are you?

You should've done that, Chief. What are

you gonna do about it? Here, I'll give

you a little sampling. I think we're

about to see a move that's harder to

pull off than Vince McMahon's toupee.

Yes, it's the potato pancake. Incredible.

Hey, is it Vince McMahon? He's been in

the death match ring before. Is he back

to. Fights don't go easy there mankind.

You'll just have to wait and see.

Here comes Benny Trauma.

He really flipped him off. That's

right. And he's pumped up for

more punishment. Yeah. Ohh. Then he

travel lands of vicious double cross.

All the action is going to potatoes head.

You will smell that violence. Sweet

potato pie. This reminds me of a brutal

battle I fought back in 78. Boy it

was ugly. First I was slammed onto the

dinner table, then my head was pounded

into a plate. Finally I jumped up and

screamed. But I don't want to finish my

veggies, Mommy. Huh. It's not the freaks

in the ring I'm worried about.

Your potato side has been reduced to side

dishes. Second course is

ready. Ohh yuck yuck yuck.

Kevin, say thank you to the subhuman

monster. Thank you. That birthday boy is

having the time of his life. You know,

it's funny, my parents forgot my birthday

one year and that's OK, but sometimes

when I think about it, I just want to.

No, please don't k*ll me. This

isn't for you, it's for me.

Ohh. Any trauma. Give me a

hand, would you? There you go.

Ohh, that potato sure is Steve and it

looks like he just even the scar in

the arms race. Ohh no for the main

dish. Ohh, my

eyes. All sixty of them. I think we're

about to see Benny Drama cash in potato

chips. Ohh. Shut

up. Solutely right man kind. This is

what I call grillin and chillin needs

special sauce. I can only imagine the

kind of deadly concoction that bottle

holds. Look out. That sauce contains MSG,

Banned in most arenas and better

restaurants, but we're not here.

Take a look at that Nick. Apparently

MSDN DNA just don't mix. This potato

is out of control.

You said it, that mutated potato

just mutated his way to victory.

That is one Studley spun. The

winner is Potato.

Wait, hang on, Johnny. What? What the

hell is he doing now? I I think he's

he's, they're kids. I don't wish.

With Benny Trauma and a doggy bag

potato. Connor to date with Cousin Grimm

in the upcoming Big Freak Out

Championship. OK, guys, all the suspense

is making me wanna k*ll myself. Now

come on, who's fighting next? OK, OK.

I think we've held out long enough.

Mankind, the surprise. Writer Nick Spout

is none other than New

me. No way. Yeah.

Who am I fighting? Well, that's the other

surprise. You get to choose. That could

be anybody, living or dead. I can fight

anybody. Wow. I'm gonna need some time to

think this over. You have 2 1/2 minutes

starting now.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. If

you're just tuning in, World Wrestling

Federation sensation band Kind has been

offered the unique opportunity to get in

the deathmatch ring with anyone he

chooses. Same time. Who's it gonna be?

Well, there's a bunch of people I'd like

to pound into the pavement. Triple H, The

Big show. But there's one man in

particular I've always wanted to meet. In

fact, I modeled my entire career after

his, and it would be an honor to kick

his big freckle. Left. Ladies and

gentlemen, Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway's

novel choice and good use of the

deathmatch time machine. Let's take a

look at these two fighters. Hemingway has

truly had a storybook career. He won the

Pulitzer and the Nobel Prizes. His books

are skimmed by millions of high school

students every year. But what many people

don't know about Papa is his incredible.

Tolerance for pain. He headbutted his way

out of a burning plane, was wounded in

action in World w*r One, and we'd be

here all night tallying up all his

excruciating papercuts. Mankind,

meanwhile, has amassed an impressive body

of work himself. In addition to 1 New

York Times best selling autobiography,

he's also had five broken ribs, 8

concussions. 2 broken noses halfway near

ripped off. Plus he's got a screw loose

Nick now. Seriously Johnny? It was

installing his knee after a 15 foot drop

onto solid concrete and it came loose a

week later during a 30 foot drop onto

solid concrete. Bottom line, these two

guys seem to love pain. It's macho versus

masochist. And it's ready to start.

I want a good, clean fight. No

split infinitives, no dangling

participles, no sentence fragments. Now

let's get it on.

OK, Chester, put up your Dukes. Mr.

Hemingway. Sir, do you know the

difference between my book and yours?

Mine's better. Mine weighs more.

Time starts things off with his own

devastating version of Pulp Fiction. In

case you didn't get it the first time,

here's a book review. And Mankind

delivers the devastating hard cover

space. He really has an eye for

brutality. Men can do many things, the

kind of good, true things that can make

another man. Dry, but not if he hits like

a girl. This

accent, reminiscent of the heavyweight

classic Death in the Afternoon, reminds

me of the classic movie Ernest Goes to

Town on Another Man's Asks who do

amazing. Mankind seems to be enjoying

himself down there. Looks like the great

Key West fisherman is growing a hook

rather than a punch.

That's one hell of a catch he's got

down there. But getting real him in? I

don't know, Nick. It looks like he may

need a bigger boat. Unbelievable. He's

landed Mankind like a limp mackerel.

Wait, Mankind's getting in his face? His

giant cannon was a liability. Now it's an

asset.

Damn it, man, what the hell have you been

eating for a couple of highbrow pencil

pushers? These two writers really know

how to take a beating. I've learned much

in this life. In fact, I picked this up

during a brief sojourn on the Left Bank.

It's called the Ezra Pound. Bobby, who's

your Papa?Then we might

need a bigger stapler. Who's

your Papa?

Unbelievable. Nothing

I love more little pain, especially when

I'm the one dishing it out.

Look out, mankind's in a hangman. He's

trapped a few more seconds than those

ropes will twist the life out of him.

OK, son, there's only two ways this can

end. The easy way. Or the Hemingway. Oh

my God. And men kind of steps by

the skin of his head.

Literally lying. This kind of manhandled

mankind into submission.

I'm hurting you. Look at this,

Johnny. What the hell is mankind

doing? I think it's. I only

have one thing to say to

you. It's Soco time. Yes, it's

Mankind. Savagely spelling signature.

Move the Mandible Claw. Have a

nice day. Trimming waste

George Floyd from his skull and another

great literary mind ends up on the

floor. Sit down and

winter is mankind. It seems truth really

is more violent than fiction. And we're

just moments away from our main event,

a heavy metal meltdown between the

leaders of Limp Bizkit and Metallica

right after the Just want to thank

you guys for the opportunity, you know?

To k*ll my idol. You've given me so

much pain. I want to give something back.

Ohh. What did you have in mind? Only

the biggest, most incredible, most

dangerous stunt ever to be attempted in

the history of Celebrity Deathmatch. How

do I get to the top of this

arena? Try that door over there. Marked

exit. Thanks.

Sucker.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch.

We're here with say what happened to

mankind? Ohh. I locked him out of the

arena. The guys insane. Johnny, well, I

feel sorry for him because anyone who

loves pain. Like he does. Won't wanna

miss this 2 Heavy metal maniacs will try

to rock each other's world as the lead

singer of Limp Bizkit, Fred Durst

unleashes some Sonic doom on Metallica's

James Hetfield. Hatfield is survived

everything a rock star can, including

being nearly incinerated on stage, but

nothing burns them up more than the

recent onslaught of imitators. That's

where his opponent comes in. Fred Durst

is renowned for his amazing energy. He

not only sings, he also directs his band

videos and works as a vice president at

Interscope Records. Plus, he does it all

for the rookie. For those of you older

viewers, Snookie is slang for a

refreshing stroll. My ex-wife always used

to say she was going out for a little

Mookie whenever. They left the house late

at night. I did it all for the cookie. So

you can take the cookie and stick it up.

Yeah. Thanks, Nick. I got it. To make

this heavy metal match even heavier, each

title will be wearing an ironclad suit of

armor. And to ratchet the devastation of

another notch, we've also outfitted the

turnbuckles with Electro magnets. That'll

turn on and off. Random excuse me, but

when Death Match invited me to a heavy

metal free for all I was expecting to

take on Slayer or even docking. What is

this shrimp biscuit crap? What the hell

is a docking? OK, I've explained the

rules to you both. Obey my command at all

times and remember this one goes to 11.

Now let's get it on.

I just want to say that I always thought

Metallica was like the greatest band ever

when I was in 3rd grade. I don't even

know why I'm here. You're not metal.

Where the extended guitar solo, the

pyrotechnics, the hair, Hey, give that

back, you know?

James punches through Fred's defense to

draw first blood. I've gotten tougher

spankings from my mom then. Dude, he's

a lot younger than you. It's like

the heck feels about crimes in there.

The friction between these two is

definitely causing sparks. Ohh I'm

blinded. Better you than me, Grandpa.

Break out just falls victim to the

first magnetic blast. Come on man, I

was about to kick asss with this

thing. Ohh

gosh.

Magnets, huh? How attractive, James

getting ready to attack again.

Ohh. He takes a fist

to his face. Unfortunately it

was his own.

Those magnets are pulling more than just

a fighter. I'll say they're actually.

Ohh.

Real medalist sports down the road man.

Not discussed in the boardroom. Like I

know you're supposed to respect your

elders and all, but shut the up.

Guess I'm gonna have to beat it into you.

Cheese. That field delivers a lesson

in metallic kick and a ferocious

fatal at the same time. Whoa,

looks like thirst is due for

an atomic wedgie, deathmatch style. Ohh,

he's going to miss that pelvis.

But the pelvis doesn't miss.

Field.

Yo, my assistant says my meeting with

marketing has been pushed up. Can we

finish this later? I'll finish it right

now. Ohh. Well,

I got to go so.

This actually found a way out of his

armor.

Nick, do you hear that banging? What the

hell is it? Don't know Johnny, but I'm

sure it has something to do with these

damn magnets. Ohh, a newly big

magnifiers. Durst clearly has the upper

hand now and it looks like he's ready to

cash in on it.

Ohh man, they're just can't get a handle

on those magnets. He's stretched to the

limit. They may not be the biggest rock

star, but he's definitely the longest.

Every morning I think Metallica may have

just split up.

Ohh.

Damn, that was cool. Maybe you should do

that in your concerts. Very funny, Mr.

Vice President. Ohh. Yeah. What are you

going to do about it, Shorty? Ohh. I get

it. You're going to clean me to dance.

Well, kind of. Look

at that, Johnny. He's filling this

metal head with pieces of metal.

It's a heavy metal magnet m*ssacre,

and Fred Durst is out. James

Hetfield is the winner.

Everybody. Good God, it's mankind. Why? I

had a problem getting in through the

door, but never mind. I told you I

had something that would bring down the

house. So here goes. He can't mean it.

Let's jump will k*ll him. This is one

small step for man, one giant leap for

me. Thank God.

Ohh.

Whoa.

Unbelievable. Mankind takes out the

entire deathmatch ring with a Dominican

death trap. I've never seen anything

like it. What an incredible finish

for Nick Diamond. This is Johnny

Gomez saying good fight. Good. Hang

on Johnny. Has anyone seen Mills?