03x14 - The Prisoners

[bunniefuu]

Jersey Boys erupted a fight to be the

favorite son, Angel's old and new

struggle to send each other to the great

beyond and incarcerated stars fight

behind the bars. Get ready to duck and

cover for an apocalypse. Entertainment

Tonight Don celebrity deathmatch Hello

everybody. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick

Diamond. Tie your shoes, ladies and

gentlemen, because of you don't like

celebrity carnage, you better run like

hell in our first bout 2 of

the Garden States finest tangle on the

Turnpike to see who's. The real boss,

The Sopranos, James Gandolfini takes on

the E Street fans. Bruce Springsteen in

our second fight, A-70 swimsuit pinup and

a genuine Hollywood legacy explore their

dark sides. Farrah Fawcett faces down

Charlie's newest Angel, Drew Barrymore,

and in our main event, a couple

of celebrity. Convicts gets set for

combat in the clique, Robert Downey

Junior and Christian Slater in a contest

we call the Big House of Brutality. We

wanted to see what would happen when

these two Hollywood bad boys and their

egos were forced to share Attorney 8 by



graciously agreed to participate in this.

An experiment. We take you now to the

deathmatch basement. Look, honey, we'll

have a beautiful honeymoon as soon as I

get out. But right now I have to

think about my career. Hello, honey. Damn

it. Relax later. You want an elk

tranquilizer? I don't know how they talk

me into this. You'll get better parts. He

said look at Downey. They said he's got

an Oscar nomination. Could you just lower

your voice? Little peanut is trying to

sleep. It's stupid mouse. Hey, I thought

we agreed no pets. And what is this all

over the wall? Ohh, that's liquid cheese.

Hey, check it out.

That is so disgusting. You live like a

pig. God, I need a massage. Looks like

our plan is working, Johnny. It won't be

long before they're ready to RIP each

other's hearts out. Right now, it's time

for tonight's first celebrity smash up.

Recently, the state of New Jersey.

Decided to consolidate all rest stops on

its scenic Turnpike into one major mega

stop. 700 toilets, 15,000 urinals, all

dedicated to 1 beloved Jersey item. But

who will it be? Bon Jovi Piscopo?

No. In the end, the list was

whittled down to two names, Bruce

Springsteen and. James Gandolfini, an

award-winning actor, a rock'n'roll

legend. Both hate interviews, both

notoriously private, both painfully shy.

But there's only one rest stop, so

there can only be one survivor of

this dirty duel down by the shore.

Let's go to the ring. Our special

guest referee is Steve Van Zandt. Lead

guitarist for the East St. band, now

moonlighting as Silvio on The Sopranos.

Hey, Steve, what happened to your

bandana? Bandana. What happened to your

head? Somebody take it. Hey, you want me

to make a dead Silvio? Looks like

Gandolfini's having a little trouble

distinguishing between real life and his

alter ego. Now I want to fight as clean.

It's a Jersey Shore. That's possible. And

I want one of you to live so I

can have somebody to work for. I mean,

let's get it on, alright? Ohh. Hey,

Steve, would you please tell Mister

Gandolfini that an American rest stop

deserves an American name? Yeah, all

right. But, you know, you tell a

rock'n'roll scum I heard what he said.

And even on my huge fatheads at glory

days, makes me cry like a baby. I want to

go over that, break his fingers like

this. Wow, wasn't that

cool. Just like a mobster.

Steve, you give that fat ******* one

of these for me, then we'll see

who's dancing in the dark.

Boss, boss, hey, I'm your boss. This

guy works for me. No, he works

for me. Vanzant caught up in a

conflict of interest down there and ohh,

he cracks under the pressure. I tried

to get out, but they kept pulling

me back in. Our guest. Office down,

but both contestants are still standing.

Hey, you k*lled Stevie and you are

next. This rest stop is mine.

Why should they name it after you? You'll

move to Los Angeles, you traitor. Yeah,

but I moved back.

Jersey is my turf now. Your little worm

move to Philadelphia. You like it so

much. Gandolfini's using mobs scare

tactics to rate effect. He's delivering a

North Bergen knee bash.

Wow, welcome mate. Whatever thought is

just like a real tough guy. Springsteen

is going for a weapon. No, no, wait,

what is that? It looks like he's actually

brought some rest stop items with him.

Hey, if this rest stop is named after

me, I pledge to donate and install 600

of these Bruce Springsteen. Hand dryers?

What a bunch of hot air. Ohh yeah.

Well then why don't you give it a

try And James takes one in the pie

hole. Every time this hand dryer is used,

$1.00 will be donated to three teenage

girls in Passaic who cannot afford to

repair the dented Fender on their Chevy.

Ohh, when Springsteen looks like he's

been through a wind tunnel of love, Ohh

Gandolfini has some rest up ideas of his

own needs and drives every can in the

James Gandolfini Rest stop will feature

this fine velvet toilet paper. The

ultimate inquires and luxury. Tonight

you're going to sleep with the fishes.

And Springsteen escapes. Good thing that

stuff's not too fly. My rest stop

will have the days designed to wash

away even the most stubborn Dingle

bearish like you.

And of course, All Stars will

have a high-powered turbo toilet.

Wow, that is some dumper. How are

toilets? The days I thought you would

hear on a common man. What's wrong with

good old-fashioned euro? Here, let me

show you how it works.

Go play golf. Left lower than concert.

Springsteen. That euro swirl. He's got

Springsteen all choked up. Ohh. Yeah.

Well, hey, I know you like cannolis,

but how about some cake? Ohh. Springsteen

attacks with a barrage of journal kicks

bringing eyes. I can't.

Ohh. Wherever

there's an overworked truck driver,

whenever there's a small child who needs

to go potty, the Springsteen rest stop

will be there. Look out. Kendall Finney's

got the stump and squirt plaque. It was

born in the USA. Now it's time to

die in the USA.

This fight has dissolved into all our

bathroom mayhem.

Amazing. Gandolfini's apple cheeks have

created a powerful vacuum seal. Ohh

flushed, don't flush. Ohh God I

need a Prozac. Forget about it.

Ohh no that's powered. Toilet is in

full gear. This really sucks for general

feeding.

Springsteen wins with a royal flush,

and Gandolfini has found out that

crime just doesn't slay.

An incredible first fight. Now let's go

to correspondent Debbie Matenopoulos with

the competitors in tonight's main event.

Thanks, Johnny. I'm here with Christian

Slater. So, Christian, tell me, how will

a prison cherry like you handle an old

penitentiary pro like Downey?

Hello, Christian.

Well, maybe we'll have better luck with

Downey. Robert, tell me so how does it

feel to be sleeping in your own bed for

once?Downey, Downey, snap out of

it. Downey, I'm talking to you.

Well, I'll be damned. He's a hologram. We

have an arena full of people. Here

to see these two fights. How

the hell could you let them

escape Matenopoulos? Ohh suck my asss

Diamond. What the?

Ohh tunnel awesome.

Get security now.

Cheddar. No need to worry, folks. We have

a security team and the deathmatch

bloodhounds on the case. That's right.

And just remember, they're not dangerous.

They're just two escaped prisoners with

violent tempers and histories of

substance abuse. If we can't find them,

maybe our next two stars can. They aren't

actually crime. Fighters, but they played

them on TV. Once Upon a time, there were

two little actresses pretending to be

police women, Farrah Fawcett and Drew

Barrymore. Both were notorious for their

wacky behavior and risque career moves.

But we took them away from all that, and

now they k*ll for us. Our names are Nick

and Johnny.

It seems young upstart Barrymore is

horning in on faucets territory by

remaking Farris 70s television hit. We

brought them together to decide once and

for all who's Charlie's deadliest danger

in preparation for this fight. Barrymore

and faucet. The Five

Deadly Venoms A mysterious form of Kung

Fu known only to the masters. Barrymores

discipline is that of the giraffe. Tall

leggy big neck dangerous Faucet has been

trained to fight as the dodo. An odd

extinct bird with a silly name that Drew

Barrymore is 1 cute all American. Now

she was so sweet and ET dirty

little skunk. How dare you remake my

television show. Your show you left after

one season has been.

OK, angels, it's time to

fly. Hey, I'm down

here, Charlie. I haven't heard your voice

in so long. Get a grip, freak show. There

is no Charlie. How dare you say that when

he's right in front of you?Why

is everyone laughing at me? Why is

this so funny? You're assignment is a

good clean catfight. Let's get it on.

You're mine, Toto.

Wow. Barry Moore has been training for

months with giraffe specialists and

members of a Sudanese Toposa tribe. She

has achieved total control of the

vertebrae in her neck.

You can't treat me like this. I'm

the original Angel that the Fires got

a lot of fight in her. I

was all set for a comeback until

you came along. But I'm not going

to let you steal my career.

Hey, cut it out. That's creepy.

Incredible headbutt by Barrymore. You do

everything I do. Pose for Playboy, act

up on Letterman, Charlie's Angels. And if

that weren't enough, you start stealing

my mail. You make me swallow my

earrings. You follow me when I'm

sleeping. That's totally crazy. Why do

people keep saying that I am not?

She may not be crazy, but

she's definitely a little confused.

Charlie, speak to me. My name

is Mel. He's delirious. Looks like

Barry Moore is getting sick with

a deadly wildlife safari attack. It's

time to turn this off.

She's charging. Ohh she eats

the turnbuckle. You're making me

so mad. Very

more hyperventilating. What's wrong with

her? She appears to be having some sort

of fit that I said back off, you don't

wanna make me mad.

Giant fireballs are actually sh**ting out

of Barrymore's head. She's gone back to a

deadly skill learned on the set of

Stephen King's First Daughter.

Who k*lled Charlie? Now I'm

going to k*ll you.

Person is spreading Barrymore with her

deadly dodo talent.

After all I've done to get control

of my life.

Yes, she's setting her up for

a Norwegian neck catapult. Y'all, Drew?

Well, that's the end of that acting

legacy. Farrah Fawcett is the winner.

That was stupid.

A tragic and bloody demise for

Hollywood's little girl lost. And now

time to check in live at the scene of

the death match Jailbreak. Still no sign

of the escapees, Johnny. For all we know,

Christian Slater and Robert Downey Junior

are halfway to freedom. Isn't this

exciting? Back to you. We have to go to

commercial now. But we won't rest while

we're away. We are committed to bringing

you live up-to-the-minute coverage of

this crisis as it unfolds. Death Match.

Come on, Peanut, you can do it. Go

for the cheese. We're almost there.

Hey I I see a light. We're free. We're

free. I could take a shower, I could go

to the gym. I can stumble drunkenly

through strangers homes, frightening

children, and I can take a vacation.

Well folks, unfortunately our next

competitors have escaped, leaving us

without a main event. It's really too bad

considering how much trouble we went to

building a life. Eyes realistic prison

set in the ring. Normally in this

position we'd roll a clip from the

deathmatch vault, but we don't have 1

today. So what do you

say, Johnny? Ohh, we gonna cry or are we

gonna sing? We're gonna sing.

Now here's a little ditty kids, and I

hope it's not too late to tell you about

the big house and try to scare you

straight. Prison life is horrible. Hard

bunks being crooks, cold cells. You might

end up in solitary, but you'd rather be

in hell. So take my words to heart and

you won't go to jail. They hope, but

if you do, just watch your back

and please don't drop the song.

So kids, the message there is don't do

drugs.

Ohh, the sun, it's so bright. We

made it. We're outside. We're free.

The hell, Nick, take a look at

the ring. Holy smokes. Downey and Slater

have tunneled up directly into our mock

prison yard. Looks like the fight is

on. Incredible. We couldn't have scripted

a better plot twist. Who is that?

My fans. Hello. I'm back, you idiot.

We're not free. We're still in the

frigging pan. OK, GAIL Bird, let's get

it on. I

know where I'm going, you said. I've

tunneled out of plenty of places, you

said. Follow me. Lighten up, you

Nickelson RIP off. Besides, prison is the

good life. They feed you, they dress you,

they clean up your vomit. The career

rivalry and the pressure of living

together is finally getting to them. I

think there's spots to escape. Was the

last straw. You've ruined everything. You

are last and less than 0. Yeah.

Did you just throw dirt on me?

Yeah. Do you have any idea what

you've just done? Ohh. No. I Ohh.

Slater appears to have violated some sort

of prison honor code. I have done

way more time than you, rookie. This

sort of insult calls for retaliation.

Andrews, get over here. Cavity

search now. But, but. But you're a guard.

He can't tell you what to do. He's

right, Andrews. But I do have some Oscar

tickets. I was looking to give away your

tickets. Ohh. Bend over, chief. Hold on

to your prostate, Slater. This is gonna

get ugly. Well,

I found something, but I don't think it's

a weapon. It's later escapes by the seat

of his pants and he grabs a weight bench.

Downey, this lockup's not big enough for

the two of us.

Getting down here, splitting headache

later seems to have tapped into that

Heathers k*ller instinct. Ohh what am I

doing here? I should be lying in

a gutter somewhere. Hey Slater, were you

checked for lice when they brought you

in? What? No Andrews disinfect them?

Here you go, keys to my Porsche.

You think you're so tough, You'll never

be king of any prison I'm in.

Oh. Oh, hey, it's time somebody gave

you a death sentence.

Bite from Slater the very move that

started Slaters troubles with the law

Andrews this prisoners got some

contraband solitary.

Incoming. Environment Slater

had in mind. Make more like the gas

chamber, don't you think, Johnny? Nice

work here. Script for soap dish

autographed by Sally Field. Go on, take

it. Ohh wow, Franks boss. Now I wanted

to talk to you about getting some

curtains for myself and maybe a jacuzzi.

Ohh God, can't believe it. Slater

must have chewed all the way

through that security guard. I haven't

done anything that foul since gleaming

the cube and later attacks.

Look, Downey, you're going to get put

away eventually, so why don't you just

let me put you away right here, right

now? And just how are you going to do

that with this?It's the

oldest prison trick in the world. Slate

is bringing some sort of weapon up out of

his stomach. I got you now.

I stole this from the shop and I hit it.

I knew these screws would never find it.

My license plate, Ohh. I didn't keep that

thing down for six months just to lose

it. You got a lot to learn about prison

kid. Now down, he's trying to bring

something up. We wonder what it could be.

Time. What the hell is that, Downey? Some

kind of a weapon? I think Mills may

disqualify Downey over that industrial

sized meat slicer. Say Mills. I wanted to

give you Ann Margaret's phone number.

Interested. Allow it

what?

No down. He's turning Slater into human

pastrami. I think this fight is over.

Robert Downey Junior is the winner. Well,

ladies and gentlemen, peace has been

restored and Robert Downey Junior is back

in custody. Thank God. All in all,

this great escape. Turned out pretty

well, I think. Hey look, I found the

mouse they used to dig the tunnel. Poor

little guy. You want some cheese, fella?

Come here, cutie.

That about wraps it up for Celebrity

Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick

Diamond saying good fight, good night.

Coming up next week, Nick Nolte

versus Eddie Murphy, Macaulay Culkin

versus Haley, Joe Osmond and Billy

Corgan, and Dave Grove versus Courtney

Love when Celebrity Deathmatch continues.