03x19 - Suddenly Diamond

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What happens when a pair of Difficult

Days singer duet of Destruction who

survives when an Oscar winning cannibal

comes to blows with his recast Co star?

And what becomes of Two Warriors? What

they encounter a monolith?Mayhem, all

this violence and whatever else we were

able to slip past the censors tonight.

Don Celebrity Deathmatch. Hello again,

everyone. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick

Diamond. Welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch,

home of celebrities death and the matches

that bring them together. First up

tonight, dude. Super women of song engage

in the mother of all catfights, Diana

Ross and Whitney Houston. Bye for the

title in the world's deadliest. Beavers

Part 3. Then a pair of angry

and hungry Oscar winners sit down for

a smorgasbord of slaughter. It's Jodie

Foster versus Anthony Hopkins and did our

main event. It's 50 feet high, loaded

with lethal booby traps, and only one

of Hollywood's greatest gladiators will

survive it. Heston and Russell Crowe

take on each other and the Tower of

Terror. Someone very important must be in

the audience tonight. Nick, I've never

seen security like this and there was a

gold stretch limo blocking my parking

space. Well, Johnny, someone important is

here tonight, but he's not in the

audience. He's in the booth. It's me.

Haven't you heard? I got my own sitcom.

I need the extra security because I'm

gonna be a big star. You have a

sitcom? It's called Suddenly Diamond. I

play a retired priest who moves to Alaska

to open a pizza joint with his brother,

the pirate. It's hilarious. Let's roll

that.

In the name of the father, Horace, this

isn't a pizza, it's a hubcap.

Funny stuff. I'll let you in on a

little secret, Johnny. You see sitcoms?

Look, they're just like broadcasting, but

with jokes. Ohh, I'm going to be bigger

than Squiggy. Yes, Nick, I'm sure you

will. But until then, why don't we get

down to some ******** A list celebrity?

Atrocities. It's time for the World's

Deadliest Divas Part 3. Tonight, Diana

Ross and Whitney Houston make it a

trilogy of butchery with a battle

guaranteed to scare the pants off VH1.

Same old story. There's just not enough

room in the world for more than

one difficult, demanding, overpaid, out

of touch. With reality music superstar

Let's Go Downstairs, where Houston and

Ross are due to arrive any second.

Excuse me, Diana. Call me Miss Ross.

Missus Ross, before you go in, we're

going to have to search you, boy. Nick,

your security people aren't taking any

chances. I told you, Johnny, bigger than

Squiggy. Holy

Mary Wilson, she's packing heat.

How?Yeah, you touch my private area. How

do you like it?And

there's Whitney Houston. She's looking a

little distracted. No star Bobby will

pick it up on Tuesday.

Wait a minute. You search me and this

lunatic gets to walk right in. Who are

you? Is this a bust? Are you police?

Look, whatever you found in there, it's

not mine. And let go of my arm. You dare

to stop the face of Motown?

Whitney Houston could really use a

bodyguard right about now.

I think I got just what you

need to give that tired career. Yours

a kit. Look at this. Whitney Dukes's

kicking your opponent like some kind of

soccer ball. Yeah, soccer ball with hair.

Let me show you a little move.

I call, waiting to inhale.

Whoa, Diana's being smothered by her own

lip. Your moment has passed, Ross. I

am the one, the only, the new

true diva.

Come again, sister.

I Will Survive. You're always complaining

about throat trouble. Why don't we take a

good look at those golden pipes?

Looks fine to me but I'll

fix that. Ohh she's giving those

muscles will workout and now I

think she she's unbelievable. Diana Ross

has gotten hold of Whitney Shukla.

Diana Ross will never die. I

am the queen of soul and

rock and dance Houston.

Speak to me. You want a

what? A microphone? No, a monkey.

Wait. OK, Two syllables. Water. Ohh.

You want a drink of water?

Savage spit take from Houston. Water

into the face of Motown. Damn

you. Oh my God. Please, please,

my babies. Don't be afraid of

Miss Ross. All right? Diana, you're

my baby tonight.

You never should have come here.

My cousin Dionne told me you

didn't have a chance and she.

Ohh. Please stop. In the name

of love. Had enough, Miss Ross?

Here, let me show you to

the door. Sending

Diana Ross around the world in a

day. Oh oh, precedented. Diana Ross is

called from the ring and Blair. Ohh

my gosh, she's stuck in the X-ray

machine and here comes Whitney to finish

her off. What channel is this? This

ain't MTV. This ain't even BET.

What is that? Damn remote hate this

show.

Activated the X-ray machine.

I think this fight is over.

Whitney Houston is the winner. Whitney

Houston beating out formerly living

legend Diana Ross to claim the

title of World's Deadliest Diva Part

Three. What a fight. Almost as

thrilling as Suddenly Diamond premiering

this Sunday at 11:30. Which reminds

me, Johnny. I'm really gonna miss working

with you. What? You're leaving Death by

chunk? Sound so excited, partner. You

know how it works. You get your own

sitcom, then the action movie franchise.

Look, I'm just too big for this little

desk now. You'll understand someday, But

for now, I want you to have this.

It's a suddenly die. And AM, FM radio,

all the affiliates are getting them. As

you can see, it's an exact replica of my

head. Except your

head doesn't have an on off switch.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hang on a second, Johnny. Gotta finish up

a little publicity stunt here. And there

we go. My mustache is now insured for

$1 million. Tammy. There you go, Hun. Get

those. Real quick. OK. Ohh, here's your

mineral shape. Who was that? Ohh, that's

my new personal assistant. You know, this

rabbit extract supplement is really

helping my comic timing. You may want to

wait until after our next fight to drink

that, Nick. You're probably right,

Johnny. This next match is a real feast

of fury. I hope you folks. , Hungary

Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins are here

to settle a grudge that arose almost one

decade after their Oscar winning work in

The Silence of the Lambs. It seems

Hopkins is none too pleased that his

former co-star turned up her nose at the

movie sequel Hannibal, saw her pot was

recast, and now Foster is hopping mad

that the production went ahead with.

The clash of the cannibals. That's right,

we're gonna make them eat each other to

death. First we starve them for three

weeks. Then we had them fitted into

specially designed edible clothing.

Buster was fitted with an elegant

designer gown hand woven with strips of

bacon, and Hopkins was dressed in a loose

casual. Jumpsuit made entirely from corn.

Finally, we slathered them both in a

delicious teriyaki marinade. And because

you shouldn't eat with your hands,

they're wrists have been secured behind

their backs. Let's go down to the

ring. Alright, Hopkins Foster, I want

good, clean bites, and remember to chew

thoroughly before swallowing. Let's get

it on. I'll teach you to make a

sequel without me. After his

starting up this fight with her feet,

you'd think he'd have the advantage here.

After all, he played Hannibal the

Cannibal twice. But yeah. Ohh. And it's

the first bite of the night. He's been

right through those tasteful white

chocolate pumps and taken a few toads and

delicious teriyaki. Suits you well, young

Foster. And also days like you wear

white cotton socks. But not today. I'm

gonna give you the royal reaming you

deserved, Sir Hopkins.

Hopkins is down and it looks like

Foster wants some payback for those

missing toes. No Nick, I think she's

aiming for the whole foot. You disgusting

Drew really speed this incident.

Believable. Looks like Hopkins is

breaking in a pair of meat moccasins.

Amazing footwork down there. But it looks

like she's just getting started.

Let's see how those Yale educated

brains taste, shall we?

Man. Watkins just

made a snack out of his opponent,

Cerebral Cortex. She's

giving Hopkins a complete facial.

Ohh, Buster's transformed into a human

parada in OHH. She misses her target

and chews right through those restraints.

Let's see to it that you don't

make any more stupid mistakes with those

pearly whites.

My compliments to your dentist. Hopkins

wasn't kissing her, he was actually

eating her teeth.

My dear, I think it's

time you met Joe Black.

Dot com.

Seems to be having a lot of trouble

speaking without those teeth. I think it

may be more serious than that, Nick.

Ohh, Hopkins seems to have damaged the

part of Foster's brain that

differentiates between her own

personality and that of her character. So

you mean to tell me that Foster actually

thinks that she's now?

Hopkins has been thrown from the ring,

but Foster is still hungry. She's gumming

her own arms. What's this? Pumpkins has

returned. That's what I call saving

faith, Jacob.

Incredible. It's Julianne Moore, the

chameleon like actress replacing Foster

in Hannibal. It's the old Silence of

the Lambs. My face has been bitten

off and now someone else is wearing

it. Switcheroo. Good God, will you look

at yourself, Clarice Starling? Sorry, but

I'm Clarice. Falling now.

Foster may be in trouble.

Anthony's dinner is served.

Look at him go he's like a big at

the stop drop that was once known as

Jodie Foster.

Anthony Hopkins and Julianne Moore the

winner. Satisfying and to a satisfying

meal. And what better way to

cap a meal off than with

this satisfying clip from SuddenlyDiamond?

I'm sorry ma'am, but someone ate

all the pizza.

OK, OK, sorry Horace, but I

gotta do this one. Large pepperoni

coming right up.

OK, ma'am, we're sending your pizza right

over. I smell an

Emmy. I think that's the baby oil.

We'll be right back without dramatic main

event featuring the terrible Tower of

Terror.

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. This

is celebrity death match with Nick

Diamond, star of Suddenly Diamond. Nick,

it's time for the main event. I don't

think we have. OK, Johnny, you twisted my

arm. I'll show another clip. This one is

from our. Christmas episode.

You have screwed up your last pizzaHorse.

Beats us up half mushroom, half pirate.

I don't know what to say except good

luck. Thanks, Johnny. You know, I'd like

to see more beatings on my show. But

for now, we'll have to settle for what's

next. Our over the top high voltage main

event. Hollywood icon Trump Heston takes

on angry Australian upstart Russell

Crowe. The buzz around Hollywood is that

Charlton Heston?Thanks, Russell Crowe

film Gladiator is a cheap RIP off of his

famous epic Ben Hur, but Crow thinks

that's a bunch of koala dung. He wants to

be Hollywood's number one and only

gladiator, and he's here tonight to make

it happen. And just wait till you see

what we've got in store for these two

movie mercenaries. It's the Tower.



manslaughter. The objective to get to the

top and ring the little gladiator bell.

But getting there is easier said than

done. A surface is made of a slick

and dangerous titanium alloy, and each

level comes equipped with a wide variety

of dangerous and surprising. Booby traps

that we'll be controlling with this, the

tower of Terra remote of random powers.

Earlier today, correspondent Debbie

Minneapolis spoke with Heston and Crow.

Let's look at the thing. I'm here in

the locker room with our fearless heroes.

Russell Crowe, you're a big stud and your

career is really taking off. So what are

you trying to prove by beating up on a

feeble old man? I don't know where an

idiot like Heston gets off criticizing my

movie. You are so charismatic and fiery

on screen. Is that because in real life

you're a hot headed jerk? You wanna fight

Minneapolis? Because I'll show you.

Difficult. Come on, let's go. OK, You

need to chill out, freak. Mr. Heston,

you're a well. Respected Hollywood legend

with dozens of films under your belt. So

what's your plan to avoid getting your

***** kicked all the way to Albuquerque?

I don't need a plan. I played Moses,

I've got on my side. Not to mention

these babies. Wow, there's just some big

g*ns. Back to you guys. How'd he get

those g*ns? Passed security. You heard

him, Johnny. He played Moses. This guy

can park the sea.

Be careful, boys. This ain't no Tower of

Babylon. Let's have the g*n. I don't

suppose a communist like you is heard of

the Second Amendment. What's the matter?

You're going to fight or you're going to

cry. You damn

filthy monkey *******. Let's get

it on.

Russell Crowe takes a commanding lead,

but ohh, he slips back down to the bottom

and here comes Heston Nicker. I didn't

get a chance to read the operation manual

for the Tower of Terror. I think we just

pushed one of these here.

Ohh God.

Who takes the long tumble back to the

bottom? See you at the top, old guy.

And the Romper Stomper races ahead.

Where's the Red 1, Johnny?

Red hot.

I'm going up to the mountaintop crew

and you're going down.

And now Heston is in the lead and closing

in on the top, but not for long.

Holy Mother of

Mary.

And Russell Crowe is the first to reach

the lower platform. Well, that wasn't so

hard.

I'll teach you some manners, you spider

face Cool.

Their weapons for the ancient tradition

of long padded baton fighting.

It's some kind of sick and twisted game

of cat and mouse, 25 to 30 feet

in the air. And

not scum. I'm not a n*zi,

I'm a n*zi. It's all the

same. I

don't know how the hell this crazy thing

works, but I love it. Purple or green?

Green.

Ohh, see you later you rotten

alligator. And John has been moved

to the front of this race.

Snagged an unexpected ride placing him

just below the top. I think he's

gonna make it. What fresh hell is

this?

Where do you think you're going?

Incredible. The fighters have reached the

top at the same time, but only one

of them can ring the bell and win

this fight. You just won't die. Will you

see this here History, This little stick

spells The end. For you.

Crow This fight, like so many

of my films, won't be over

for a very long time. Come

down to this desperate hand to

hand struggle at the towers break.

Dropped it you feeble minded gorilla.

Russell Crowe is free.

Ohh wow.

Jump off the tower to retrieve the bell

ring. Ohh Johnny. I think he's got a

different plan for the tower altogether.

I hope you can fly, you

dirty, feeble Australian monkey *******.

Good God's going to bring the

tower down and throw. Appears to

have an escape route. Is Russell

Crowe fashioning a rope from his

armpit hair? Amazingly, but it's true.

Just in time.

Escape by Russell Crowe.

Commercial Crew is the winner.

Deep down there, it's somebody get me

a freaking ladder and incredible finish

to an incredible fight and a tremendous

debut for the Tower of terror. If

I hadn't seen it, I would never

believe that. Thanks, Mr. Diamond, and

hey I I quit what do to

its inane humor, gratuitously violent

nature. And lack of a perky female

character, suddenly Diamond will be

cancelled effective fast. So what Nick?

You're big sitcom, you're going to be a

big star. Johnny, after a fight like

that, with all the pathos, glory and

bloodshed, how could I work anywhere

besides deathmatch? I'm glad to hear that

Nick and. Besides, they already gave me

all these great radios. This is Nick

Diamond and Johnny Gomez saying good

fight, good night.

Coming up next week, it's Family

Night with Ashley Judd versus Wynona

Judd, Carol O'Connor versus Sherman

Hemsley, and the Baldwin brothers versus

the Wayans brothers when Celebrity

Deathmatch continues.

Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond here to

remind you that the Celebrity Death Match

book is in stores now. It's slam packed

with the most painful photos ever

published. Pick up your copy today.