03x23 - Nick Gets High

[bunniefuu]

What happens when 2 masters of sketch

comedy tried to kick their skit out of

each other? Who will prevail when the

girl next door takes on the psycho next

door? And which eco friendly actor will

become an endangered species? Lather on

the testosterone gel because it's time

for celebrity deathmatch. Hello,

everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick

Diamond, and welcome to another

delightfully violent show. We've got a

great friggin lineup for you tonight. We

think this is 1 you'll be telling

your grandkids about, especially those

grandkids who love mutilated celebrities.

Right, Nick? Now down to business. First

up, watch. Former SNL stars Mike Myers

and Dana Carvey engage in some serious

character assassination as their alter

egos go on the attack. Next up,

we've got 2 of Hollywood's hottest

actresses, All American. Ask Kickers.

Sandra Bullock takes on ***** cutthroat

Angelina Jolie and in our main event,

a rainforest. Becomes a pain forest as

Woody Harrelson and Leo DiCaprio tried to

biodegrade each other in our especially

designed jungle Ring of Death. But right

now, let's get to our first bounce, Dana

Carvey against Mike Myers. It's no secret

that in real life, these guys aren't

exactly Mr. Personality, but their

characters are. Dangerously funny, Which

is why we've mandated that each comedian

must use a minimum of four of

his famous alter egos while k*lling one

another. And boy, do they have some

great ones. Live from Deathmatch. It's

slaughtered a night in the blue corner,

The cruel Canadian chameleon.

Meyer and in the

red corner, the injurious

impressionist Dana Carvey.

What the hell is that God awful smell?

Ohh, you like it? It's a Patchouli

scented cattle. Woody gave it to me.

Woody Harrelson. Ohh, great guy. Met him

backstage and when I told him how much I

liked TV, he gave me the candle. And

these underpants. They're 100% hemp, you

know. Damn it, Nick, nobody wants to see

your underwear. Hey, what are

you doing? No, put it

out. Put it out there.

Are you alright? I'm fine. Everything's

under control, Johnny. I'm a

professional. Alright. Keep going up

here, fellas. Listen up. This is Mike

Myers. This is my book. This is my

book. In Mike Myers. As simple as that.

In the story. Well, look who's joining

us. It's H Ross Perot. Ohh. That's

awesome. OK, I want a good,

clean fight. As Sphincter says what? What

Myers has brought on his classic

character? Wayne Campbell asked.

Sphincter says what? What? Hey, hey,

what's so damn funny? Mike Myers thinks

he can win. See, now that's just

sad. Oh

oh. Pan's world.

Baines world. Excellent.

Johnny, Hey, Wayne, I'm really

scared being in the ring

with such vicious opponent. Not

Athena, Corbin counters with Wayne's

trusty sidekick. Gareth. You're not

worthy. You're not worthy.

Have you seen the new Alyssa

Milano workout video? Should we hire?

Comes out swinging. Hey Johnny, don't

Bogart that Mike. Mitch, you have

your own Mike. Whoa, cool.

Excellent, but Arby's back and he's

sporting some k*ller pecks, Herman. Now

believe me. Later.

I'm going to pump you up.

No way where. Incredible move. Carvey

breaks out his muscle man from

the mid 80s Han, Luke, Johnny.

I have Hans too. Hello.

That's better but y'all both think it's

still soft like job. I wish I had the

biscuit to put that Vatican.

Alright, girly Martin, let's go to bank

on your puny pectoral muscle.

Not so excellent type for a new

character. Boom, boom, boom.

This agony is gorgeous, and yet it grows

tiresome. There is my monkey. I want to

touch my monkey. Smart countermove, Myers

calls on Deeter, host of the German talk

show Sprockets, and his beloved monkey.

Hey, you want to see my monkey?

Pull yourself together man. I find

your primitive macho posturing tedious.

Now is the time on deathmatch

when I dance on your face.

Mike Myers didn't think Peter would work

as a movie, but he sure works in the

deathmatch ring. I envy

your sores and lesions, they are

delicious.

Isn't that special? And the church

leading covet. We like ourselves don't we

Deeter? With our black leather pants

stretched tight across the engorged

naughty bits. Who dresses you?

Could it be saved?

Ohh yeah I never get sick of that line.

Look like the good book, says Mr.

Dieter.

The church lady has excommunicated

Myers from the rings. Violence

is my bag, baby. Yeah,

it's Austin Powers International Man

of Misery and Gigi Oval

will be quite shagadelic. Triple

wow, this is unprecedented. Darby

has stolen a move from Myers comedy

playbook. Wait, what happened to the

German guy? That was 3 characters ago?

Nick Garvey you *******. Austin Powers is

my character. Well that's your hang up

baby. Got mine. RIP off artist. Yeah.

East of those famously unhygienic

choppers. Behave. Oh, oh, he pulls

the rug out from under Meyer

shirt. That'll take me days to

grow back. Feeling a bit Randy,

aren't we? That's it. Time to

call in my secret weapon. My

most. Diabolical alter

ego. Greetings,

Mr. Carvey. Amazing. Myers has summed up

his feverish doctor evil. Allow me to let

you in on my little plan. It involves

liquidating your freaking ask. Wow, that

is good character. All right, but I think

I've got a better one.

Better than Doctor Evil. Don't make

me freaking laugh.

Yeah, I call him the guy who shoves

pinkies through skulls.

The winner is Carrie Ohan or whatever

the hell your name is. A mind-blowing

finish from master character comedian

Dana Carvey. Look for a guy who

shoves pinkies through skulls. The movie

coming soon to a theater near you.

Armed. Definitely seeing that movie.

Welcome back, agony aficionados. If

you're just tuning in week, Hey Johnny,

you think I could score another pair of

underpants?Of Woody. Probably not a good

idea, Nick. Dude, you're really harsh in

my mellow. Our next contest features 2

lovely leading ladies who want to RIP

each other limb from gorgeous limb.

Angelina Jolie versus Sandra Bullock.

Let's break down these fighters. Angelina

enjoys sex with both genders, Sandra.

Enjoys playing Coed Scrabble. Angelina

has experimented with self mutilation.

Sandra is quite self motivated. Angelina

played a heroin addicted supermodel.

Sandra is a super role model for

girls. Sandra Bullock is just plain tired

of being Miss Congeniality. She wants to

get in touch with her, in her.

Which doesn't sit well with Angelina,

Hollywood's number one bad girl. They've

decided to settle their grudge deathmatch

style. Have you seen my

hacky sack anywhere? I just had it

stick to the cue cards, Nick. OK.

Nick. Yeah. What's up?

You're mine. Ohh. Right,

right. Let's go to

the ring.

I love you so much sis. You're everything

to me. I love you too James. How

about a good luck kiss? Maybe just a

hug. Looks like Angelina's brother showed

up for moral support. It's nice to see

some family togetherness break it up. You



YouTube. Get it on.

Hey Bullock, you like my

new tattoo?Well,

Missy, I got one too. Looks

like Sandra hasn't quite gotten the

hang of this bad girl thing.

Is that temporary freight? Not it

is now.

Betty, one temperamental Tomb

Raider. OHH with another

satisfied customer.

You're not the only one with dangerous

cutlery, young lady. I picked up this

baby at the antique fair.

That. Wow

you've got like 0 body fat. Ohh

look what Sandra Bullock just did to

that girl. That was way uncool. Never

mind, here comes that sex pistolAngelina.

What you doing here, James? I came

to give you mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Actually, I'm kind of winning the fight.

Ohh. Hey, I could get into this

violence thing. Looks like America's

sweetheart is learning to get nasty.

Hear me roar.

Sandy has finally delivered some

punishment to America's weirdest sibling,

Johnny. I'm starting to feel a little

weird myself. Like millions of people are

watching me. They are Nick. They're

called viewers.

Oh oh oh crazy girl

like you needs a straight

jacket. Ohh. And

now top your tranquilizers. Pow,

right in the kisser. Angelina's

big lips are now officially

enormous. Let him m*rder that

glitch. What's that, sis? You

want more mouth to mouth?

What is that newly mischievous Sandy up

to now?Pop quiz.

Julie, you have a b*mb in your asks.

What do you do? I don't do anything.

I've had worse. Well, I suggest you start

walking, sister, because if you go under



sky high. I bet you stinking host bag.

Unbelievable. Looks like we're seeing

speed 3. Pest control? Where's that

Ricky? Bob? Somebody help me. Ohh.

Don't worry sis, I got your

back. Now

that's a move we don't see.

Nothing. Deathmatch. Look, Angie, I got

it.

Sorry. Ohh, not

James, he was my soul mate. Or

aside from Billy Bob of course. Brad

and various other men. Well add women

now I'm going to show you how

a real Fitch does it.

This is a new one. Why is

Angelina Jolie wrapping her lips around

the turnbuckle? Can you piece this puzzle

together, Nick? Hey, stop monitoring my

brain waves, Johnny.

Angelina Jolie sure knows how

to suck. Ohh, go.

And this finishing move from Angelina

Jolie? The big lips smackdown. The

winner is Angelina Jolie.

And the wacky Oscar winner gets a

far more impressive award, a death match

victory. Johnny the Lizard people, what

are you talking about? They're coming to

get me. Folks,

more mayhem to come. So

stapen.

Welcome back, deathmatch devotees. We're

seconds away from our main event. Who

will be King of the jungle, Woody

Harrelson or Leo DiCaprio? Should be a

doozy. Astic. Nick.

Ohh my colleagues, a little under

the weather. As we all know,

Leo DiCaprio is no stranger to

deathmatch. Back in 1998, Jack Nicholson

rearranged the young stars face. Jack

takes him down.

Yet another incredible reversal of

fortune. Get a load of you.

Interestingly, that didn't seem to stop

Leo's popularity with the ladies. And

it didn't hurt his movie career

either, what with today's sophisticated

techniques, but for his return. Death

match Leo decided it was time

for some reconstructive surgery.

Ohh, damn it. After all that trauma,

why would Leo return to the deathmatch

ring? Seems he suddenly become quite the

environment conscious celebrity. And

that's a bit disconcerting to Woody

Harrelson, who's been a tree hugger for

years. So Woody has challenged upstart

Leo to prove his commitment in preserving

the rainforest. To prove our commitment

in entertaining you, we've actually

carved out a quarter acre of

that rainforest and transported it here

to the Deathmatch arena in the

brown corner. The hemp loving hellraiser,

the ruthless recycler, Woody Harrelson.

In the Greek corner,

the suddenly socially aware

savage, the Moomba Marauder,

Leonardo DiCaprio. Hey, that's

wasteful. I'm going to

eat it.

The Caprio. I want a good, clean fight,

but if that ain't possible, I'll settle

for a down and dirty slug fest the likes

of which the Serena has never seen.

Either way, I still get paid. Now let's

get it on. Man, this

rainforest is so beautiful. Maybe we

should just take a moment to really

appreciate you.

Yeah, good idea. Hey, man, branches don't

grow on trees, you know. Don't worry.

I'm going to put it back after

I beat you with it. Leo's on

a rampage. This green fight has turned

blood red. Dude, this place reeks. I

know, man. Is it the fragrant

aroma of organic decomposition? Just

wonderful. Ohh, smells like plant crap.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? Asks

wife. Aerosol destroys the ozone layer.

Ohh, really? What does it do to eyeballs?

Be crafty. O you are so dead

man. Why, you

son of A, you are so environmentally

challenged. Bodies are natural. Born

k*ller. All natural. What the Hell's

going on? I'm trying to remain Incognito

so the lizard people can't find me.

Nick, I don't care how strong that

hemp was. You inhaled. You cannot be.

Here without a shirt.

I don't know what pisces me off

more that beat you destroyed in Thailand.

Ohh, the water you wasted in Titanic

or the fact that you made for

men's Room. Man, that movie blew. Woody

Harrelson is proving white men can check,

but hey. Yo, got a little

surprise for you. Unbelievable. What? He

has befriended the mighty jungle

Anaconda. You don't see this on the

Discovery Channel folks? Second boy.

You get it all. Look at Leo,

tug at that thing. It's like he's

an expert at this, and now he's

really yanking it. Man, that snake is

bigger than I thought. Leo's really going

at it, actually trying to whack it

off. I think

that snake has had enough. It's

finally gone limp.

Time to make you one

with nature, Woody. Stupendous folks.

Woody Harrelson has just got

totally stoned.

Must find the

transmitter.

In your dimer 2 programmer Papi don't

hurt me, I don't speak lizard. Get

down here and fight you punk *****.

You must be nuts. Speaking of witch,

look out what he's going for. The

coconut. Those are not towards. That's

it. Guess I'm going to have to

take. Go down the hard way, a

chainsaw. You're a disgrace to the

movement. What? It's solar powered.

Kuna matata biatch.

Seems Woody cut some wood on that one.

All right, the hemp freak. Now your *****

really grass. Come and get me, folks. I

think we're about to see an Amazonian

chainsaw m*ssacre. What the Thought I'd

fall for a booby trap. How stupid do

you think I am?Carlson I'll just

step over here. Lab works too.

Oh my God, Woody has used

the forest ultimate weapon, the Venus

Flytrap and this fight is over.

And the winner is Woody. A little

deodorant wouldn't k*ll you. Boy, what a

match. I think Leo DiCaprio has finally

learned not to mess with Mother Nature.

Let's see that finishing move again. And

there goes any chance of Man in

the Iron Mask Part 2. I'm

at ringside for an exclusive post

fight interview with deathmatch champ

Woody Harrelson. Woody, great fight.

Well, thanks Johnny, but the real

winner tonight is good old Mother

Nature Primo underpants. Dude, those hemp

DVD's you gave him, he inhaled

them. You weren't supposed to. Smoke

them dude. Hemp has no psychoactive

ingredient. Huh, Is that so?

Well, you're probably wondering why I'm

standing here completely naked in front

of millions of viewers with bongos around

your neck and tea salts in your

hair. Well,

I'm afraid I don't have an answer for

you at this time. That doesn't surprise

me. For Celebrity Deathmatch, this is

Johnny Gomez saying good fight, good

night.