04x02 - Slaughter and the City

[bunniefuu]

As a daredevil from down under clashes

with a mystery monster. Shrek as stand up

comedians gone big time tussle in our

takedown Control Center seizure As a

foursome of whiskey babes. Fire off for

a showdown in the city tonight on

some Liberty Deathmatch.

Good evening. I'm Johnny Gomez. And I'm

Nick Diamond. Welcoming you back to a

show even heard from medical experts

called Glory. You know, first about

tonight an unknown. The tender is pitted

against animal planets, Crock Hunter

himself, Steve Irwin. Then in our second

undercard fight, 2 television Titans

engage in the brutal sitcom skirmish. To

end all brutal sitcom skirmishes, it's

Ray Romano versus Drew Carey, and

finally, in the main event, get ready

for some girl on girl. The girl on

girl action has the stars of Sex and the

City scrambled to be the last lady

standing. We've got 4 of America's

hottest, loosest Daves in the arena and

that can only mean one thing. Nick

Diamond is getting some tonight. Well

Nick, I believe only one of them is

single. Is it the brunette from Melrose

Place please?Could it be the one from

Melrose Place? Nick, I shouldn't have to

remind you it's pretty unprofessional to

confuse our guest celebrities with the

characters they play. But I'm so lonely.

Let's go live now to the deathmatch

locker room, where the epitome of

professionalism, Debbie Matenopoulos, is

with one of our esteemed celebrities.

Thanks, Johnny. I'm here with Sarah,

Michelle, Jessica, Love, Parker, whatever

your name is. So what's it like to knock

boots with Ferris Bueller? No, actually,

my husband's name is Matthew Broderick.

Ferris Bueller was just one of them. And

how does he feel about you sleeping with

all those other guys? I don't actually

sleep with them. It's just a show and

we're acting and and I get horni, but

that's not. Does it make you feel dirty

in the morning?When you wake up for the



with vomit in your hair, your Dior

dressed in a heap on the floor, and

you're you're so-called boyfriend says he

has to go back to Venezuela. Then he

calls you Meredith by mistake. He steals

your purse and then it's so long, sucker.

I'm pregnant. Ohh. Thank you, Debbie. And

now it's time to dive right into

our first sensational fight. He's the

nature boy from Australia's Outback. His

unidentified opponent is the most

mysterious and dangerous creature known

to man Steve. Through an Animal Planets

clock under himself is entering the

arena. The crowd is going wild. You've

seen this spunky adventure seeker wrestle

alligators, fight off sharks and wrangle

bats. We had to stretch our imaginations

pretty far to come up with an opponent

that would offer him any challenge

whatsoever. Look we've come up with.

Doozy Goodness gracious, this ring is so

large and square and what not unlike the

hidden breeding grounds of the slippery

back wheel to be. Hello, what's this? How

in the world do these rare snake

specimens get all the way out here? Now

this we're unusual green markings on the

back of this beauty.

Come on love, I won't hurt you.

That's right, Steve, it's the dreaded

Medusa, born up until this time to be

only a figure of myth. What a treat.

She's got it.

That was a close one. Everybody who

seemed clash of the Titans knows that he

who looks directly into the eyes of

Medusa will be turned to stone. And not

just any stone, but a cold, hard,

impenetrable granite, not unlike that

found in northern She's the angriest and

most lethal slithering green hair. Human,

half measured in the world. That tells

what seems to have lacerated my chest. If

you look closely, you'll see I can

actually reach inside and feel my

heartbeat. What a Stinger. All right,

Irvin, put up your Dukes and fight like a

man. Medusa, you fight like the mythic

Seeley half mortal lizard woman that you

are. Let's get it. What good

fortune stumbling across such a lovely

and famous monster. It's great.

You see these marvelous scales here?

They're used to repel and crush falling

rocks and mainstream.

She spotted me.

Ohh look, Greek beast is walking all over

the island. They'll

be amazing forearm strength.

Of those snakes will eat

everyone alive. Remember pets now

it's not the snake point

that kills you now it's

the phantom. Ohh did you

want Vegemite with that Mike

look out down there.

Boy, that's some heavy

snacking, Johnny. Hey, you

OK, baby?

We're gonna need a clean up crew and

IA 12. Just another fascinating moment in

the mysterious circle of life. This is

crazy. The Medusa's wrecking havoc in the

arena, Nick. No one is safe except for

that guy over there, said Perseus. I said

sit where you're sick. Damn it. Such.

Horrible devastation. This is what

happens when a wild animal is unwillingly

removed from its natural habitat.

Keep in mind this poor doll, it's not

really angry, she's just been

misunderstood. Erwin's gonna be a

mythological lunch if he doesn't act

fast. Run.

Be free then back to where you came

from. Ohh ancient legend had it that were

a snake is plucked from the head of

the Medusa too shall grow in its place.

Laura effective than rogue. If you have

snakes for hair, which very few people do

never never mind. Well, I guess there's

only one way to save all these buttes.

Erwin has pulled some sort of special

clock hunter safety containment pouch

from his pocket. It's a duffel bag, Nick.

Ohh. Beg you all been caught? You're back

to the wild altogether then, Terry. Wow,

dear me, what's happened?Majestic

capitated though. But Doza? Ohh. No.

Steve Irwin is the winner. Winner. What

are you talking about? I've just k*lled

the rarest creature known to man. Coin.

You weren't, son. The Stanley Ranch is

dead. No one is 1. Mother Nature's

been dealt yet another crushing blow.

Stupid, stupid. Crock Hunter. Stupid.

Those Australians short have a kooky way

of celebrating their victory, but a

spectacular victory nonetheless. Hey,

maybe Irwin will give us the Medusa head

to play with. It's not a toy Mitch.

Even in death her gaze can turn. Even

the bravest man took cold hard stone.

Yeah, I could mail it to my ex-wife

Stick. Brown folks infection, known as

deathmatch, has only just begun to

spread. What?

Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match.

It's already been a banner evening and

that the Sex and the City girls will be

impressed by the severed head of Medusa.

I'm warning you Nick, leave that damn bag

alone at this point. We'd like to

encourage our more youthful viewers to

find a parrot, sibling or Judy Blume book

to guide them through the more adult

issues coming up later in our main event.

Sex is natural and healthy, but tonight

it's also going to be violent and deadly.

But before we get there, we've got 2

comedians guaranteed to knock.

Who did nick each other right? Ohh, they

know what I mean. Ray Romano and Drew

Carey, they're neck and neck in

popularity and rating, but there's only

room for one of them at the top of

the steaming sitcom heat. It's the battle

of the all American working man. Used to

be a pathetic stand up. Thank God

I finally got a mediocre network sitcom

named after me, guys. For the past

six months, Carrie and Romano have been

training in fighting styles, each

scientifically tailored to match their

personalities. For Carrie, reflecting his

barren babe sensibility. Drunken bar room

brawl boxing 4 Romano. Basically

reflecting his Italian heritage. And

because it's the best we could come up

with. Greco Romano wrestling. Romano is

entering the arena now. Listen to that

crowd, Johnny. It sounds like everybody

really does love Raymond. Thank you. Come

out. Please stop applauding. You're

making me uncomfortable. Come on. I

haven't done anything. OK, and

here comes Drew Carey.

Ohh, Cleveland.

Months of dedicated training have no

doubt made Carry a master of this sport.

Burping, farting. What is this? What was

form of comedy night? Hey, are you

talking to me? You're starting this fight

in the classics ballroom brawl style.

Ohh. You want to make something out of

it? I mean, because you know, we have

to anyway. Just a minute, you 2. I

want no punches below the belt, no canned

laughter and carry no musical number. And

get your robes off and let's get it on.

Whoa, I thought they k*lled the big scary

monster off in the last fight. Let's go,

Romano. Lose the road. Come on, Romano,

take off your little Robbie. Robbie,

you're a little CVS Roby robe. Do I

look ridiculous in this? I feel like a

hot dog with headgear.

Here we go. Terry is really throwing

his weight around, and it's when it's

smack on top of Romano. I haven't

seen athletic finesse like this since

college. All right, here comes out.

Hey, oh, oh, this is boxing.

Come on, Califano is up. All

right, Carrie, you can take your

little or dancing or singing. No

funny sitcom and you can SHOVE.

Now assume the position.

OK, let's see if you can pin me.

Ready, Russell? I said. Randy. Russell,

come on. Carrie appears to have passed

out hold. That training must have

severely weakened him. And judging the

Miss Covered in Peanut Butter pageant in

Vegas last night can't have helped. All

right, Carrie, have it your way.

Half Nelson, The Forbidden Full

Nelson, Ricky Nelson.

There, I penned him. Give me the three

count. Pinned him. Son, you gotta k*ll

him. It's never enough with you people.

Is it here? How's this?

Incredible that Drew Carey is tough.

Where do I get my hands on

you? Romano? Come on. Come on. God

Dang it. Garry's hands are completely

useless. They're just lying there like 2

slices of uncooked bacon. Well, Romano, I

guess you're cruising. For a beer

belly bruises here. Wow, great. Romano

is at the mercy of group

carries. Massive stomach. I've got a

position for you to assume Romano.

Garry's treating Romano's spine

like like a ventriloquist

rod. Kids time, Ramona

and everybody loves me.

That's enough of that.

Ohh, Gee, you broke my trademark glasses.

Has anybody gonna know who I am? You

think they won't recognize that buzz cut

in the belly? What are you wearing now?

Four 5500? Why? Ohh. No, actually, I'm

down to 199.

Ohh God, didn't you learn anything about

lying from Pinocchio?

Carrie should have smelled that one from

a mile away. No, no, no, no.

Ohh, hey, whose nose is

this anyway? Carries reaching for

something, Carries in trouble, so

he's going for his classic

move, the musical number.

I warned you about this, Jerry. Ohh.

Geez, Sir. But without the musical

numbers and Mimi, I don't have anything.

I'm not. We're leaving that funny. And

maybe it's time for you to die. What's

he doing, Johnny? Could it possibly be?

Yes. It appears to be a shock weapon

of choice for high school bullies across

the country. I don't really want to

reveal this on national television, but I

have problem jock itch and now it's your

problem too.

My face, my face.

Ohh.

And that must be

one toxic nut.

The winner is Ray Romano. Please do we

have to say winner? Can we just say

Ray Romano was not the loser? And in

the end the protective cup proved to be

carries death mask. All

in all, a spectacular fight, don't you

agree? Yes. Yes. I I I most certainly

do. Yes. What is it? Wait a second.

You were fooling around and now

something's happened, hasn't it? But ohh,

No, no, it's nothing, really.

Ohh.

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. We're

just about ready for our titillating main

event. While my ignorant co-host is

examined by a medical professional, let

me take this moment to remind our younger

and more tender male viewers that the

contestants. No way reflect

the loving and caring women you will come

to know as you mature and advance into

the arena of adulthood and the realm of

native. Isn't that right, Nick? Why yes,

sexually active Manhattanite women are

lethal and should be avoided. The stars

of Sex and the City sexy. Kim

Cattrall, straight Arrow, Cynthia Nixon,

single and adorable Kristen Davis and

award-winning Sarah Jessica Parker. What

have their characters got that makes this

show so hot? Ravenous libidos, nutty

outfits and an appetite for the bone.

It all adds up to a fight

we call Slaughter. From the city.

All right, ladies, I want whom.

Excuse me, ma'am, but you must be mighty

cold in that Kleenex you're wearing. I

love small talk, you sexy little referee

man. Let's get it on.

That ain't bad. Wait. Ohh. We're really

going to do this? I mean, actually k*ll

each other? That's the idea. Now let's

get down to business and sit there. Nixon

gets the blood flowing with me. This is

my first time.

Can't we talk a little first? I'm sick

of talking. I want some action. But we

used to be friends. Remember when the

show started? Before all the publicity,

before all the media attention and the

disproportionate salary hikes? Before the

stupid Golden Globes and the Emmys, which

nobody won?Except for her. The other day,

I was sitting in the deathmatch arena

with my three best friends.

Unfortunately, they all had to die. Which

brings me to the obvious question. What

do you get to be on all the bus signs?

Yeah. And what do I have to sleep with

all the nerdy actors on the show? Let's

k*ll her. I'm not sure I'm ready for

this. Believable. Honey, you have got

to relax. Here, have a drink. It

seems pretty early in this fight for

a peace offering. Ohh,

no. Kristen Davis is down. Why? Why?

And then there were three. That

Cosmopolitan was poisoned. You tricked

her. Good riddance. I'm tired of her

whining and her perfect hair and her

perfect little body. How can I compete

with that? You won't have to when

you're dead. Is that really

all life is a fight to the death?

I broke my nails. If three women in a

ring can't agree on who has to die, then

how? If I have to listen to one more

of those stupid monologues? I'm the star

of this show, Kim and what I say go.

You think you're the star of the show,

Honey, I was making porkies while you

were still popping zits on square pegs.

You were in Porky's, but that was like 20

years ago. No, shut up.

In the head with a four inch heel.

Mark has got some sort of weapon.

It's her signature. Nicholas Nick. She's

making Mitzi look Trowels face. Ohh.

You're not the only one who brought

a weapon, Parker. Ohh, my goodness. Nixon

challenges Parker with the Mr. Big 3000.

Ohh yeah, we'll try this on for.

Side marker counters with the Milton

Berle all night. Good timer. Alright

girls, you asked for it. I can't

believe it. How did she get the

Liam Neeson VX280 past security timeout

Timeout I've seen just for every dog

gone thing on this show. But what

in heaven's name is that this?

Tiger, please. It's certainly not

a weapon, it's a back

massager. See.

How do you know the names of all those

appliances, Nick? I have a very, very

sore back. It's a three-way duel with the

stress reducing back massager.

Look, Cynthia, I've been letting you off

easy because you're the normal frumpy

girl on the show and I pity you,

but now you're my. Reliable

Kim Cattrall lays waste to a

perfectly good head.

Of these two, Nick, my money's on the

slot.

Looks like Sarah Jessica Parker is trying

to escape. When will she stop running

away from commitment? Please let me go. I

gotta have a cigarette. I thought you

quit. I did, but but my character didn't

and then she quit. So then I started

again and look so confusing. Your

addictions are going to k*ll you, Parker

and speaking. Of addictions? No, not even

on the planet. Strappy sandals. Here's to

the last of the single white females.

Take that. Good Trial

has wiped out her chest mates and won

this match on the heels of Victory.

The hell? I can't believe it.

Kristen Davis is alive. She's faked

orgasms on TV. Why not fake

her own death? Listen, darling, you're

alive. But. But you drank the

poison. Ohh. Unlike you, I never

swallow. It's the

end, Buckley Junior. The back massagers

hand held back massages. No, yes,

no Ohh brought your eyes.

Oh my God.

Kristin Davis is the winner. She won.

Johnny, the sweet, innocent Christian

Davis is alive. She. He doesn't seem

like such an innocent girl to me.

Nick, I have a Madonna horror complex.

Kristen, I love you.

Nick, what have you done?

Ohh no Christian no.

What the hell?