04x03 - A Celebrity Deathmatch Special Report

[bunniefuu]

Murphy's got millions of dollars on the

line, Hobson. You are

looking at the sight of a massive

expl*si*n. The body count exceeds 14,000.

That number could be higher if there

were in fact more whole bodies to

count. Good evening. I'm Sam

Donaldson, and this is a Celebrity

Deathmatch special report.

If you tuned in hoping to chuckle at

the death oriented sports program hosted

by Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond, you are

sorely out of luck. A show that's been

described as crude, rude and mind

numbingly violent tonight has met its

death match. It's lowbrow hosts no longer

with us. It's happy. So lucky,

bloodthirsty audience blown away. The

epicenter of the tragedy was located here

in the squared circle. What powerful

combatants of the celebrity universe

could have caused the many Armageddon

that you see before you without a

single witness? The world may never know.

Wait a minute. Something very important.

Has just been uncovered. We go now

to our Cracked search team, made-up of

members of the FBI, the CIA and

the ASPCA. It appears that they have

found their Celebrity Deathmatch black

box flight recorder. Perhaps our only

testimony to what veritably happened here

this evening. Please be advised that the

following. Footage may contain the type

of hideous, wacky violence normally seen

in this time slot and does not

represent the views of this journalist or

any journalist I've ever worked with.

And the priest says no thanks, but I'll

take a rain check.

And now on to our next fight. It's the

darling Divas of Drama debacle, Katie

Holmes versus Keri Russell. These two

babes will duel to the death to see who

ends up on top of the WB dog heap

of teen stars. And it looks like our

contestants have entered the ring in the

blue corner. The started with a small

town. Smile and a smarty pants

attitude. Star of Dawson's Creek, Katie

Holmes and in the red corner

she plays Felicity, the little girl

in the big city. And little

is the word. This tiny tight

measures 5 foot 3 soaking wet.

Kerry Russell. OK young ladies. They want

a good, clean fight. I could also use the

bathroom, but I guess I should have

thought of that before. Let's get it on.

Ohh, Kitty, this looks like it's gonna

be 1 hell of a catfight. Careful,

Katie Homely. Don't wanna break a nail.

Don't you threaten me. I could k*ll

you with my big toe. If wanna

bet Whatever, I'll show you. OK, Show

me. OK for real. Loser poser climber.

Certainly our standing there yelling at

one another's face, wide load head.

There's no telling when those verbal jabs

will become physical blow. This tension

is k*lling me. Johnny bag Lady

fishmonger. So have you seen the new

hot dog cart? Yes, I have, Nick

and it's spectacular, folks. The outer

surface is an attractive blend of nickel

plated titanium and Kevlar because a cart

that's in constant close proximity to

this much devastation has to be durable.

An industrial size helium tank fills an

endless supply of festive deathmatch

balloons for the kitties and for the

adults, a state-of-the-art coffee bar.

Have you tried the new icy cold caramel

mocha freezer Chino Johnny? They're quite

frost delicious. That's what I hear.

Although a couple of them will certainly

send you running to the can.

Shorty bimbo discount shopper. Well, at

this rate the spectators will die of

boredom before one of these bitter

beauties bite the dust. Time out, little

misses. Ohh. Bills Lane has called for a

timeout. I think I know what the problem

is. OK, bring it down.

Looks like Mills Lane is implementing the

rarely seen basket of brutality. Ohh

yeah, excellent. These implements of

death will allow our two delicate young

ladies to k*ll each other without getting

their hands dirty. Lookout. It looks like

Carrie's weapon of choice is a broken car

antenna for my cousins from the swamp,

Johnny. That particular device is known

as a frog sticker. Alright, Miss Dawson's

Creek, get ready to croak, huh? Hey,

the frog sticker just got stuck. Not

so fast, Lisa Toad. Let's see how

far your ratings plummet after this.

This looks like kid. He's pulling the

Samson and Delilah shaved down on Kerry

Russell. Judging by the ratings dropped

from her last haircut, this maneuver

could k*ll her career. Holmes has shaved

Russell down to the bloody skull my

hair produces are going to k*ll me.

No, they're not. I am.

Laugh all you want, but I'm not the only

one having a bad hair day. Take a look

hag. Ohh, what have you done to me?

Hair seems to be turning white. If that

little girl's not careful, she'll age

yourself right out of her coveted 18 to



Yeah, you're delicious. Caramel, mocha,

freeze and Cheetos.

Not the cartoon. Incredible. Kerry has

taken the entire industrial sized helium

tank in one swallow. And I thought

the hot dogs gave you gas.

OK, Katie, get ready for the role of

a lifetime. Doing is

choosing her newly deformed body to her

advantage, she's turned herself into a

human steamroller.

Your career is about to blow up.

Inconceivable. Carrie Russell's been

turned into a living balloon. Bye

bye, big girl. Sorry, I'm taking

you with me.

I've never seen anything like it. Katie

has administered A ballistic blast of

blimp float. I'll say Cherry could burst

any minute, covering the entire arena

with tiny pieces of Kerry Russell

viscera. Look at this, Jamies moving in

for the k*ll. It's the Hindenburg, Harry

Carey. It's kind of cropped. Like a

pinball Holy home, you pet me and we

both go down.

Poop.

Welcome. Ohh.

There you have it, Katie Holmes about

to pop Kerry Russell like a pimple

when somehow the inert helium gas trapped

within mysteriously explodes. So many

questions, but the answers, unfortunately

lie in the barbecued brains of the

dead spectators. Help me,

help me. Oh my God. Ohh witness.

Sir, please, did you see what happened?

Please tell my wife I love her

later. First tell us what you saw.

Why did the girl explode?

Damn. Does

anyone have a wet nap?

Sam Donaldson coming to you live from the

Celebrity Deathmatch Arena, normally the

site of fun loving death and

dismemberment. Tonight, the sight of

horrifying death and dismemberment, what

we now know. During the

scheduled fight, TV star Katie Holmes had

filled rival TV star Keri Russell with

large amounts of helium when a

catastrophic expl*si*n occurred. The

house and Wise remain pure mystery.

Unfortunately, the men who usually

explain what happens in the ring are

no longer with us. Let's take a

moment to remember.

If you look inside your

heart. Don't have

to be afraid of what

you are.

And so, as said goodbye to

two sloppy sportscasters, so an important

I've already forgotten their name.

I swear, Johnny, if I had to live the

incident all over again, I would have

dove in front of you and not behind you

when the expl*si*n blew a desktop into



have it any other way. I wouldn't either,

Johnny. I wouldn't either. I'm telling

you now, thank your lucky stars that you

have. Serious news journalists like me,

Sam Donaldson, to help you piece this

event back together instead of those two

illegitimate laughing stocks. Ohh damn it

all to hell that stick up his

asss. News guys stealing our Thunder.

You're just as serious as Sam Donaldson.

Deep Murphy. He's not going

to get away with this. Nick. What

the hell are you talking about? I'm

taking you back, Johnny. Yeah.

Help me somebody help

me.

This is amazing. Tell us, Mr. Lane,

in your own words, how you managed

to survive the expl*si*n. Well Sam, at

the moment of impact I was milking

the golden calf, draining the one eyed

snake. What? Unloading some liquid assets?

Making a deposit in the septic tank. I'm

sorry, what? Ohh. Heck, Sam, I've been

drinking so many freezer chinos I have to

take a leak. I see and. And so I

used the technique I learned in the

service called Flush, Duck and Cover.

Please move away from me. Ohh I

got you. We're very lucky

to have with us forensic specialist and

WWF superstar, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm

very happy to be here tonight and take

part in this horrific tragedy. What can

you tell us at this point? Well, Sam and

this dustpan, I have the charred remains

of Keri Russell, and in this dustpan I

have the charred remains of Katie Holmes.

I'll run a few tests and stuff on them

and see what I can find. How soon will

you be able to provide us with some

answers please? I'm stone Cold Steve

friggin Austin, I can go through human

remains faster than Al Roker can clean

out and all you can eat buffet. Thank you

Mr. Cole, I will be right here when you

have more information.

Step aside, squid Monkey. What are you

doing here? We're taking over this

broadcast over my dead body. Allow it.

Let's get it on.

Bring it on, you fringe network freak.

Hey.

And it's diamond signature swan time

plunging into a barrel house scrap roll.

Oh, oh, I just Sam showing me

the meaning of hard hitting journalism,

Johnny. That's incredible, Nick, but I

can't let you have all the fun.

Really, there's no need to

gush. I agree. Hey, that

apply, Johnny. Now kick his

asss. You can take your

high hat. News Courier, Donaldson

and Hewitt.

Talk about a live feed, folks. That

sound you hear is Sam's trade bar

Gutsy editorial. How about some water,

Sam to wash it all down? Yeah,

OK boys, open her up.

We got him, yes, and it

looks like this fight is over.

A final electrifying commentary from

News. 3rd Sam Donaldson Look Johnny,

our spectacular new hot dog cart

is still standing.

Johnny is Survivor. Ohh, my, why it's

not other than Center Square and Academy

Award winners. Whoopi Goldberg was that

Whoopi, you've survived. Can you tell us

in your own words what happened? Well,

I was here scanning celebrities for my

very popular game show Hollywood Squares

when I spotted Comedian. Andy Griffin in

the audience, at least what I thought was

Kathy Griffin. She was a frantic woman

with red hair. So I said to myself, look,

Kathy Griffin. Bingo. That's when I

spotted the hot dog car.

Yeah. Umm.

I'll buy off Kathy with a hot dog

and a caramel mocha freezer Chino, then

she'll say yes to anything. Well, Justin,

that cheesy chick from Felicity cuts in

front of me. Out girl. Then she takes

off with the man's entire industrial size

helium tank. Now that's nasty. What are

those?4 little kitties going to do

without those stupid deathmatch balloons,

huh? That's when it happened.

The damn hot dog caught landed upside

my head.

And when the hot dog cart came to a

stop I looked up to the ceiling and I

saw red headed Angel lady all in red

ascending into the heavens and I was

assumed into the bosom of Elvis. Elvis

told me that he loved me and he asked

me Whoopi do you want a peanut butter and

banana sandwich?Folks, we apologize for

Whoopi. She's clearly suffering from

severe, temporary brain damage. Johnny,

look, look, a camcorder.

Hit the rewind, Nick, and let's see if we

can get a different angle on the story.

Let me zoom in a little bit now.

Wait, wait, wait. Back it up.

There Poly home movie. It's a redheaded

woman in red. Johnny. Who is that

woman and what is she blowing out

of her straw? Well, find out on

the next Hollywood Squares. We're

here with the temporarily brain damaged

Whoopi Goldberg I as we make our way

down to The Dirty bottom of the darling

Divas of Drama debacle. So far, we know

that while Katie Holmes has floating atop

Kerry Russell, a mysterious redheaded

woman in red blew some sort of dark

through a straw which resulted in a huge

expl*si*n. And the destruction you see

before you. Now let's check back with

Stone Cold. Who's sifting through the

celebrity cinders? Well, Johnny. Luckily

enough, the extensive bonding work on

Carrie Russell's dazzling smile allowed

her front end sizers to endure the blast.

But check this out. On closer

examination, I found traces of hydrogen

in the enamel now, as everyone knows.

Fusion of hydrogen into helium provides

the energy of the hydrogen b*mb. Bottom

line, the combo of the two gases inside

that girl created a mini friggin H b*mb.

These pork rinds are the best I've ever

tasted. Hell, those ain't pork rinds.

That's the seared flesh of Keri Russell.

I tell you Johnny, if we don't find out

who that redheaded woman in red was,

it'll haunt me for the rest of my life.

You don't have a life, Nick. OK then, my

so-called life, My so-called life. What

is it Whoopi? It's all coming back to me.

The redheaded woman in red was.

Ohh, my Lord.

Big cheerful Whoopi fake. That woman

looks just like Claire Danes Starved. The

short lived but critically acclaimed

television drama My so-called Life. No,

it wasn't me. It was Kate Beckinsale.

Bull funky don't pull that broke down

palace crap on me. Girl. Are you

like calling me a liar? Yeah. Calling

you alive. What you gonna do? Let's get

it on. Saint, gentlemen, I

can't believe my OHH lookout looks like

Claire Danes has struck out. Yeah, just

like our movie The Mod Squad. But

here comes sloppy. It's the attack of

the Deadly Dreads. Look at her go.

That's what I call getting a leg up

on your competition.

Fits the Hollywood hammer hole and Whoopi

counters with a sister act of violence.

This lady has clearly been in the

death match ring before.

I call this the Twisted Sister,

OK, You asking for it, Claire?

You begging for it?

What the hell was that? Ohh. Ohh,

Whoopies floated one of her trademark air

biscuits.

All right, I confess it

was me. I did

it, but I never met for it to go

this far. But why, Claire? Yeah. Why'd

you do it? It all started a few days

ago. I wanted so badly to get back into

television, so I was getting a makeover

with internationally renowned stylist

Jose Bair. And who pops into my head but

that Carrie Russell with her luxurious

curly locks. And that other girl, Katie

Holmes, with her Brett girl Auburn hair.

I knew that if I was going to

beat the competition, I had to have

fabulous hair. Make me blonde, Jose.

Totally blonde. Peroxide blonde. Are you

kidding me, darling? As I was telling

this Sarah Jessica Parker, too much of

the peroxide ages the hair, making it

look dry and wide like ohh lady you

look like. Lady, ohh, your career is over

over, over. That gave me an idea. If you

can't beat them, bleach them. Before I

knew it, I was sitting in the bleachers

with the belly full of bourbon and a

Freeze Acino cup full of hydrogen

peroxide loaded darts. Katie made my job

a little easier by getting rid of one of

my targets. Right off the bat, my hair

produces are going to k*ll me. I got

in two good shots at Katie. I'm not

the only one having a bad hair day.

Take a look, Hag. What have you done

to me?But when

Katie and Kerry started to rise, I knew I

had to change my position. I made my way

to the catwalk.

Can you get me at least buckle

down? Whoop, whoop. And that's when it

happens.

I know a lot of people won't understand

why I did what I did, but to me

it was the right thing to do. So go

ahead and punish me. Punish me.

We're not gonna punish you. Like,

why not? Because this is celebrity

death match. Nice job.

The winner of the Darling Divas of

Grammar Tobacco is 13.

There you have it. We solved the

mystery, learned a little about ourselves

and crowned a new deathmatch champion.

This has been a Celebrity Deathmatch

special report. I'm Johnny Gomez. I'm

Nick Diamond. And I'm Whoopi Goldberg

saying good fight, good night. Now, can

somebody find the.

Mocha Frappuccinos please.