04x05 - Food Fights

[bunniefuu]

My name is Kevin Spacey. This is

my neighborhood. This is my life. I'm



an hour, I'll be dead.

I'll also be dressed like a giant

hamburger. Hey fight fans,

are you hungry for a heaping

helping of heart? Where? Come and

get it right here, right now,

on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Good evening sports fans. I'm Johnny

Gomez. I'm Nick Diamond. And tonight we

proudly present our first annual

celebrity death match festival of food

fights. Now I know what you people at

home. Thinking you're sitting there in

your trailer parks, lounging in your

vinyl lazy boys, asking what the Hell's

wrong with you, Nick and Johnny? Why

dedicate an entire episode of Celebrity

Deathmatch to food? The answer's simple.

Without food, there could be no life.

Without life, there could be no death.

And without death, well. Me and this guy

to my left might have to get real jobs.

Ohh. So what do you say we crank up

the gas and bring this baby to a boil?

Our first cook tonight serves up a combo

platter of legendary singer meatloaf and

corn. Or at least that band's lead

singer, Jonathan Davis. Have the Pepto

handy caused this appetizer may induce.

Comedy. Then after we cleanse our palate

and disinfect the ring, it's time for

a fast food feud as previously deceased

Colonel Sanders tries to inflict some

biggie sized pain on Wendy's hot and

juicy head honcho Dave Thomas. And in

our main event witnessed the horror as

Christians collide. Michael. Kevin Spacey

double Oscar winners battle it out for

the title of world's greatest actor. But

tonight, in honor of our full themed

festival chain and Spacey won't just be

murdering one another, they'll be sinking

their teeth into the meatiest, juiciest

roles of their careers. 2 brilliant

actors bring you the. Ultimate culinary

conflict hot dog versus hamburger Michael

Caine is our hot dog Kevin

Spacey is our hamburger who's the

better actor which is the better

sandwich it's 222 feuds and 1

standing by with insight into this

very special main event is. Hey,

Matt Napolis, Debbie. Thanks, Nick. I'm

here with Sir Michael Caine, AKA

Tonight's Hot Dog. So, Mike, what's a

nice boy like you doing on a show

like this? Whoa. Debbie. Ohh accepted

this role for two reasons. First, as a

classically trained physician, I'm truly

excited by the challenge of portraying

tubular meat. And 2nd. As we all know,

for the right amount of money, our parent

just about any old piece of rubbish. Ohh,

sure. Like just four. Or how about the

swarm? What about billion dollar brain?

Or the island even? Ohh, yeah, yeah,

yeah, right. Right. Now, if you'll excuse

me, Miss Multipolar, I've got to get into

character as this hot dog. Unless, of

course, you like to stay and assist me.

And Nick told me you've had a lot of

experience. The winners? Very funny. Back

to you Johnny. Ohh. And Nick,

you can suck my asss.

Folks, those bad pipes can mean only

two things. Either the roadshow of

Brigadoon is in town or now entering

the deathmatch arena is Conn's lead

singer Jonathan Davis. As a legend of

classic rock, Meatloaf must surely

despise Jonathan Davis for his super

trendy goatee wearing, phony slacker

posturing and I'm. Will Davis hates

meatloaf for his overblown old school

power ballads and also for his fat. But

hey, listen to those pipes, will you?

Ohh. See, who would have guessed that a

guy with filthy dreadlocks and a pierced

scrotum could play like such an Angel?

But don't let that artsy fartsy stuff

fool you. This guy can beat you like a

love crazy. Monkey in a Cincinnati car

wash, right? And here comes meat. Watch

out. Wow, the man

from corn is taking it right in the

niblets. I got

it. I got it. Ohh,

got it. Meatloaf corn. You both give me

gas, so before I start cutting muffins,

let's just get it on. Hey, wait a second,

this isn't fair. That big tub of

Cellulite just ran me over with a Harley.

Good lady. You're going to have to learn

to get the hair out of your eyes and

look both ways before entering the death

match. Ohh.

No time feeding Jonathan Davis to

the rainbow. Watch out. Ohh, baby

corn just got cream.

Looks like Jonathan Davis is about to

choke down 300 lbs of ping. This

is so way like not cool.

Wow, look at that. Either Dennis just

made a remarkable comeback, or all this

time he was just playing possum.

Folks, you can stick a fork

in meatloaf. He's cooked. Yeah, looks

like this one's all over. But

the body removal, Johnny, What the

hell is that? Incredible Meatloafs fans

are urging him on with his

own trademark baseline. No, not 70s

anthem rock. Hey,

I got a pump.

He's up. Ohh. You just can't keep

this meatloaf down. Ohh. I'm back. No,

get away. Where do you think you're

going? Here we go, people. We've got

a real pressure cooker boiler here.

There's a wind up and there it

is. Screamer up the middle. Sorry

about this kid can really move these

past first base and now he's flying

for second. He's gonna slide in face

first. This kid really makes things

exciting out there. Looks like the

suicide squeezes on now. Holy cow. I

think he's going to make it stop

right there. I gotta

know right now who the

do you think you are?

Come on, that's not how the song goes.

And what the hell is Davis doing?

Give up low. Yes or no?

What's it gonna be boy? Yes

or ohh what the hell?

Looks like the man from Corn is treating

this crowd to a little freak on a leash.

And Meatloaf takes out an entire flight

of **** fans. I can't believe that either

one of these guys is still standing.

You know, for a big guy, Meatloaf says

agile as a check. Yeah, no be sweaty

cat in a think roughly shirt. Ohh.

Ohh, that's gotta hurt. Yeah. And it

looks like he's got some more for him.

Incoming.

Whoa Oh my God, meatloaf

spin. One hold make way,

boys. Wow, he's alive. The winner

is Jonathan Davis. The man from

corn pulls an upset victory out

of nowhere. Well, I wouldn't say

nowhere.

And Speaking of answers, keep yours part

because coming up after the break,

Colonel Sanders comes back from the dead

to take a bite out of Wendy's

CEO Dave Thomas when Celebrity Deathmatch

continues.

Names that move When Ace Freely from

Kiss went head to head with Justin

Timberlake from Insync, Ace unleashed a

devastating move that had fans screaming.

Was it called the Freddy's Comet Face

Full of Ace or New York Groove

move? The answer right after these

messages?

What do you call it when Ace Freely

launches an air attack? If you guessed A

Freely's comet, then you were able to

name that move. Welcome back, Brackish

breaks. Our festival of food fights rages

on. And we hope you're ready for 2nd.

It's a night where the action so doggone

delicious, you just wanna scarf it all

down, then barf it back up and scarf

down some more. And Speaking of binging

and purging, Debbie Metropoulos is

backstage trying to get a word with

tonight's hamburger. Debbie, look at me.

In the shower. The sad thing is this

is going to be the high point of

my day. It's all downhill from here.

Debbie Matenopoulos here with Kevin

Spacey and whoa. Ohh. Hi, Debbie. Can you

just kind of pull on this for me?

I've been yanking and squeezing for 20

minutes. I still can't get it off.

It's all in the wrist now, Kevin, you

may be a great actor, but let's face

it, you're also kinda renty. Can you

survive Michael Caine? Let me tell you

something, Debbie. Michael Caine, that

arrogant, condescending bore may think

he's the world's greatest living actor,

but tonight my hamburger will destroy

that Weiner. And that's the

bottom line. I rule.

Woohoo. Back to you,

Johnny.

Well, the deathmatch time machine is

purring like a kitten, which means

it's time for a fast food

view. That's finger breaking good. There

he is, Colonel Harland Sanders, fried

chicken pioneer. Everyone loves him

except this man Wendy's. You

know Dave Thomas. Dave got his start in

the fast food business as an underling to

Colonel Sanders. Sanders taught Thomas

everything he knew about fast food. But

still, Dave Thomas wanted more. Thomas

swore he'd one day create his own bigger

and better fast food empire to one up

his former boss. Unfortunately. Colonel

Sanders keeled over before Dave got the

chance. But tonight we're giving Thomas

another opportunity thanks to the

Deathmatch time machine. And since these

two men practically wrote the book on

fast food, we've equipped the ring with

all the standard instruments of death and

destruction found in any fast food

kitchen. And here comes the Colonel.

Come on now. Now, y'all folks, don't let

that snow on the roof fool you. There's

still plenty of fire in that old fogies

trial. And here comes Dave Thomas. Ohh.

Yeah. Where's the beef? It's right here,

baby. Damn it. I usually stand here and

spit out a whole lot of rules, but just

my momma taught me never to assess my

elders well. I guess you 2 can just

kind of do whatever the hell you want,

so let's get it on. Ohh, man, tonight

you're totally plugged. No need, right?

You should be friends. And the Southern

Gentleman starts the match with a cordial

gesture of friendship. Interesting.

Quick, quick. Ohh, big

old. Dave, let's just

throw for the oldest trick in the

book. Hey, I smell bacon just like

in my delicious bacon double cheese.

Well now wait a minute, son, I'm sure

we can. Ohh, you're cute. I think it's

time we introduced you to my wonderful

all you Can eat salad bar. This is

what we call a sneeze guard. Keeps a

salad sanitary. See, without it right

about now, you'd be getting your flash.

Cheese all over my nice clean veggies.

Looks like the student is now teaching a

lesson to his old master. It's just like

Luke Skywalker and Ralph Nader.

Is that all you can eat?

Apparently not. Hey, I know. Let's go

check out the drive through. See how it

works. Is I take these metal salad tongs

and I drive them through your stinking

skull here.

Ohh.

It's the flying Chinese salad. Tons

of debt. Ohh, whoops, my bad,

those were actually the flying Australian

boomerang salad. Tongues of death.

This is bad. Thomas is a sitting duck.

Actually, in this case, he's more like a

sitting chicken. So why is Dave Thomas

smiling? I didn't want to have to do

this, old man, but you leave me no

choice. Time for you to meet my secret

weapon. Say hello to Clucky. Ohh.

Stop. Looking rough. Secret

weapon. Ohh, my, you see, clunky might

look like just another six piece dinner

to you, but she had a mother, a

father and 457 sisters and brothers. And

do you know what? Every one of those

little birds ended up in one of your

murderous cardboard buckets. I think it's

time for payback. Release the chicken.

Wow, that is 1 twisted head and

he's picking right through the Colonel

Smith. Oh my God, Sanders is running

around like a kernel with his head

cut off. Sanders hits the flower talk,

now the end. Washed, now he's up.

Come on, the bread crumbs.

Ohh what belly whopper into the

deep fryer This match is over.

An extra crispy finish to an

extra special man.

And the winner is Dave Thomas.

Yeah, you got it. Woohoo. Incredible

Kentucky Fried Carnage and still to

come, Hot dog versus hamburger chain

versus Spacey and a mystery meat

m*ssacre state pen name that move

during his legendary fight with film.

Star Brendan Fraser What devastating move

did the mummy dust off? Was it

the Tutankhamun Topol, the Mideastern

Mandible Munch or the Cairo concussion?

The answer right after these messages.

Which mummy move left Brendan Fraser all

wrapped up? If you guys see the Cairo

concussion then you were able to name

that move. Welcome back Mayor Mongers, we

are now just seconds away from the

mother. Fall food fights hot dog versus

hamburger who's really America's favorite

let's see how they compare in our

tale of the tape. Hamburgers are

manufactured from the ground up, nasty

parts of cows hot dogs are manufactured

from the ground up, nasty parts of

cows and pigs, and sometimes baboons the

consumption of. Hamburgers can slowly

k*ll you overtime. The consumption of

hot dogs can k*ll you a

little bit faster. Hamburgers stays real

good. Hot dogs taste real good.

Who's number one? Who's the best? Here

comes our hamburger Oscar winner, Kevin

Spacey. Wow, looks like Spacey's really

put his heart and soul between those

buns. It's a good thing, as this

may prove to be his most challenging

role ever. And here comes our hot

dogs, Sir Michael Caine. Makeup can

all get a bit more mustard on

me bun. Cruel. Wow, that burger just

flipped itself. Excuse me Sir, but are

you the director on this picture?

Director. I asked because this so-called

hamburgers performance is bloody awful.

His lettuce is falling out. His tomatoes

are shabby. Is he rare? Is he medium?

I have no idea. I see your point, Mr.

Kane, and while I agree that the burgers

performance may be a tad broad, I don't

believe he's gone so far as to jeopardize

the artistic integrity of the character.

So, well, allow it. And one more thing,

we'll stop. Look how dumb I am. I am

what's?For dinner, you, Sir, are nothing

more than pink smells and tails and

whoops and. Ohh folks, I

don't understand this, but for some

reason our hamburger has stopped

clobbering our hot dog. What could it

be, Johnny? What could it be? Something's

wrong with the burger.

Well, now this is just bloody

unprofessional. We're supposed to be

fighting here. Hello. Hello.

Goodnight, dear Prince of Maine,

who, King of New England,

you big dumb corny *******.

Incredible the. Edgar is down.

And come on Burger, snap out of

it. Ohh. All right, he's conscious.

How do you feel, son? I feel like I

was in a coma for 20 years and I'm

just now waking up. Ohh. You know,

Millie, I don't want to seem difficult,

but this might be the stupidest picture

I've ever been in, and that's really

saying something. I mean, not 2 minutes

ago, that hamburger was. Unconscious and

now he's coming to k*ll me. It's bloody.

Ohh. It looks like a hot dog is

in some hot water.

Come on now, somebody helped me up.

Stupid bloody costume. Stay there. I'll

be right back. Wait, I can't see.

That's not fair. Listen, buddy, I'm just

going to borrow your heat lamp. I

have a feeling somebody's buns are toast.

There, got it. Kevin Spacey is shining

a heat lamp through the lenses of

Michael James. Enormous bifocals. Ohh.

Wow, those things really plump when you

cook out. He's loading up faster than

a first semester in college girl. And

though he plays. Who's the burger?

Well, Johnny, it looks like the big

winner was tonight's big loser. Although

I have to admit, Michael Caine was great

in his hot dog roll. OK, good, cute fun,

but you must admit that hot dog played

his part with relish. Could just stop

now. Too bad he couldn't cut the mustard

with it. That burger took an early lead

and the. That dog couldn't catch up.

OK folks, I'm Johnny Gomez saying

good fight and what the hell?

Where's the beef? Oh my God,

it's Dave Thomas. Dave. See, I

I'm not really a hamburger. I

I just play 1 on TV

very well. You might add

hot and juicy. Ohh no

stop saying wow no, you

see, no, no stop.

I guess it could be pretty pisssed off

about what happened to me eaten by a

fat guy, but it's hard to stay mad

when there's such beauty in the world.

You have no idea what I'm talking about,

I'm sure, but don't worry. You will.

Someday.

Goodness, why are you so

stupid?Looks like

I'm gonna do everything myself.

Giving you some help for help. You want

something done right, you gotta do it

yourself. Maybe life is up and down, but.

Why are you so stupid?