04x07 - Debbie is Pregnant

[bunniefuu]

Which two washed up 80s heart throbs get

the chance to resurrect their careers by

vivisecting each other? Who will prevail

in a deadly battle between look alike TV

beauties and what happens when a pair of

NBA?Superstars take their grudge

public. Find out right now

on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello again, everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez

and I'm Nick Diamond. We're gearing up

for huge main event tonight as two of

the biggest stars of the NBA, Shaquille

O'Neal and Kobe Bryant played the.

Ultimate game of one-on-one and a match

we're calling horror on the half court.

But first, it's a blast from the past

as the 2 greatest calories ever face off

Corey Feldman and Corey Haim raced to the

death right here in the deathmatch arena.

But that's not all, we've got the views.

Good girl Lisa Ling. Up against Charlie's

Angels ****** Lucy Liu in a look alike

sound alike chill fest. A lot of

excitement on tap. Let's go down to our

own Debbie Minneapolis in the locker room

with Lucy Liu. Debbie.

Debbie, can you hear me? Sorry, Lucy.

Fans want to know, how have you

been preparing for tonight's fight? Well,

I've covered all the basics. Kung Fu,

aikido, Mexican knife fighting, and I can

deliver a mean purple nurple. Shall I

demonstrate? No, no, that's OK. They're

very sensitive. Let's talk now. Her

opponent, Lisa Ling, also known as Bits,

who stole my job. Ohh. Gee, Deb, I

hope there are no hard feelings. I think

Barbara just wanted someone whose

interview style was, you know, less

annoying. Now, Lisa, tell us. Excuse me.

Tell us, Lisa, how does it feel knowing

that you're going to get your *****

kicked in there?Well, actually, Debbie,

I've brought along my little secret

weapon. Ohh. Stop pouring me. You're a

widow. Secret weapon, Grisha. I don't

like it. Barbara Walters. What are you

doing here? I'm helping. Wish I'd get

ready to wrestle. Uh-huh. Well, how come

you never?

Sorry, How come you never call like you

said you would? Yeah, right. You just

saying I never wanted to weigh my eyes

and you were just. Oh,

oh, I'd like to say that's the stupidest

thing to ever come out of your mouth,

but it's not even Crouse. Did Debbie just

blow chow on Barbara Walters? Probably

just a shock of seeing her old boss

again. Well, get that girl some Pepto,

because there's a lot more shocking stuff

in store for us. You are. It's

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman head to

head in a match where calling Corey

Corey Hallelujah. Good to see Feldman

still wearing his trademark outfit, which

still looks a lot like his power

Michael Jackson's trademark outfit. And

here comes his opponent, Corey Haines.

Some consider them to be eternal.

Celebrities based on their star turns in

films like The Lost Boys and The Goonies

don't forget Meatballs Four and Double O

cheered, while others believe these two

truly are Lost boys best left to the

celluloid graveyard. So we thought, hey,

why not leave one of them in a real

graveyard? That's why we've arranged a

very special kind of. Fight for these

two. It's a pole match suspended on

the pole high above the ring. Hollywood

power broker and Miramax co-founder

Harvey Weinstein, now Gwyneth. It's Dell

Hamlet, but this time Ophelia is a

futuristic robotic k*lling machine. The

first car to k*ll his opponent and

reached the. Film maker will get a role

in this next feature. Whoa, Harvey

Weinstein. Hey, pay attention. I want a

good clean pole match first. One of you

to k*ll the other and touch the fat guy.

Win. Let's get it on.

We've been through a lot together. Yeah,

man, I totally remember how you backed

off Martha Quinn when I told you I dug

right. So whatever happens here, just

remember I love you, man. Looks like

Feldman's going for a hug.

Feldman Pain takes one right in The

Goonies. Ohh you man. After tonight I'll

be the only Cory left in this business

and the world will be my oyster.

Hey, makes his move for the mogul. Come

on. Right? I I promise it'll be artsy.

Yes, it's a talking car, but the film

takes place in Barcelona.

Elvin has grabbed him off the pole and

seems to be, it appears as if Corey

Feldman is dry humpin. Corey Haines. No

way. That's just using the spikes on his

jacket to great hang like a block of

human teeth. And he's not done yet. Now

I can't do Thursday. I've got.

Good heavens, Harvey Weinstein's

electronic organizer is loose. Ohh.

And those calories fight for it

like dogs after Donuts. Yeah, donut

burger number.

Deployment.

I'll be taking this. Thank you. Yo, why

should you get it, dude? Call me dude one

more time while in this fight myself. Let

me. Yes Sir, I'll fight.

That breaking plus the pole. He's got the

early lead, but Feldman gets their first.

Ohh. Looks like Feldman's having a tough

time with the SL Years of hard living

have left him without much endurance. Why

are you even here, Felton? I'm sure you

and your lame band could get a gig at

Six Flags. Whatever. At least I still

live in Santa Monica. Refrigerator box

under the pier doesn't count loser.

Unbelievable Feldman slowness may have

caused him an internal organ. Hey bro

reminds you of your star turn in

spleen a little spleen now hand takes

the lead and look out Feldman has

sued himself he's got his clean and.

He's in hot pursuit. That kid is

tough as nails. Oh my God. Helping

attempting to smother him with his own

screen. I knew that organ had a

purpose. And now Feldman's got a clear

shot at the prize, right? Right. It's

an updated version of Catcher in the

Rise of the Hanoi Airlift. Don't believe

it came. Refuses to concede. He's gonna

try and dislodge Felony, but he made

me too late. Feldman's going for the

goal, no.

Desperation seems to have given him

superhuman strength. I've never seen

anything like it.

I've got you, Mr. Weinstein.

Incredible. Harvey Weinstein and both

Corys have been shish kabob

and this fight is over.

Say what you want, those Corys sure can

play a great death scene. And now let's

bow our heads in a moment of silence

for those heroic superstars of the 80's,

the Corries. Up next, TV beauties Lucy

Liu and Lisa Ling throw down.

Welcome back to So Lebrity Death Match.

Those of you suckers just tuning in

missed an incredible bout between 80s

heart throbs Corey Haim and Corey

Feldman. It's official there. Hearts are

no longer throbbing, but that's OK

because we've got Debbie Matenopoulos

down with the fighters in our next

match. Thanks, Johnny. Debbie, what are

you doing here? Why are you crying?

She's upset about saying Barbara. It's

not Barbara. It's just that my pants

were too tight. I couldn't breathe.

Johnny, Honey, can you give me a pastrami

sandwich? Ohh, I'm sort of busy right

now. Aren't you supposed to be down on

the floor with our fighters? Ohh. What?

I'm not good enough to hang around in

your special booth. Why don't you just

say so? Why do you have to hate me?

Poor Debbie. Come on, you'd be a Moody

bits too. If you're in heart condition.

You know about Debbie's condition? Well,

it's pretty obvious. Johnny, a cousin of

mine, had the Ebola virus once and she

was a real wreck. She got fat, she had

strange food cravings. She was an

emotional basket case. Debbie's pregnant

Nick, and it didn't clear up until. She

had the twins. What did you say? We'll

talk about it later. Right now, the fuse.

Lisa Ling takes on Charlie's Angel and

star of Ally Mcbeal, Lucy Lou. It's a

fight we're calling Wings Last Stand.

Lisa Ling, Sunny McNicholas replacement

on TV's debut, is tired of being mistaken

for the saucy. They look

alike, they're names sound alike, and

Luby's character on Ally Mcbeal is even

named Bling. Bottom line, America's

confused and one of these ladies has

to go right now. Lisa Ling is

getting some last minute advice from

trainer Barbara Walters. Let's listen in.

Listen up, Rashad.

Like the minute OK, and should I try

to give the viewers at home an insiders

account of my day at Celebrity

deathmatch? No, no, you're not listening.

Rips crows ears even you want to RIP

Rosie where rims from rim right white. I

mean right and it looks like this. Fight

is ready to go. Alright, go from

Charlie's Angels and girl from that show

with all the yammering games. Let's get

it on Lucy. I'm going to try my hardest

not only to win, but to set an example

for all the young women who might be. And

Lynn plants one right in Lisa's mouth.

You mean Lucy plants one and Lisa's?

TV character namely, in which case you

were 100% correct. Laying, you say?

Right. The blue plays laying on Ally

Mcbeal. Lucy Lane. That's what I said.

No, it's either Lisa Ling or Lucy.

Luke Ryan. Lisa Lou. Lou is late.

Correct. OK, OK, I think I got

it now. Lisa Ling, Lucy Liu Ling

Lu at sweet Christmas night. What if

I'm the father of Debbie's baby? That

is to say, hey, it looks like

Barbara Walters is offering some

encouragement from the sidelines. Racing

and racing. Who's that?

Lucy Liu, not only are you a fabulous

and beautiful star, but you are really

kicking my asss as promised. Now the

picture I am more Everyone loves me, so

I'm really going to hit the big time

after I finish mutilating you.

Intriguing.

See Lisa Ling maintaining a poised

interview style despite extensive

internal injuries. This is ridiculous. If

I wave things to Lisa, she should have

rules. Hold on, it looks like Barbara

Walters is getting in on the fight that

gave you I'm Here.

Lisa Lee getting the view of Lucy

Liu's internal organs. Lucy, I really

feel like our viewers are getting to

know what makes you tick. Ohh, my

beautiful flat tummy. Ohh, now you're on

my bad side.

Now you die.

Performing some Charlie's Angels.

I can tell you from the receiving end,

these kicks are as effective and painful

as they look. Do you ever shut up?

Appears to have had enough of her

inquisitive protege Lucy. Tell the

viewers how you can fly too. It's just

fascinating. I am sick of your incessant

talking. Prepare for my finishing move.

She missed. What's wrong with Lucy? Wait

a minute. There's somebody on the

catwalk. Yes, it's Barbara Booker. She's

gonna cut some of those invisible wire

full wires. Who may be the one

in trouble now?

But one question before you die, who's

prettier in real life, Cameron or Drew?

Even without those wires, it seems this

is hard hitting questions are no match

for lose hard hitting fists. Prepare for

your final broadcast, Lisa.

Lucy Lou has kicked clean through

Lines Inquisitive Head and the winner

is the one from Ally Mcbeal.

Hope Lisa's enjoying the view from

beyond the grave.

Stay tuned for our spectacular main event

featuring Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe

Bryant right after this.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch.

Let's get straight to our main event,

Shaq, Kobe, one-on-one and I'm going to

be a father Nick, Why don't we

talk about?It was at the

deathmatch Christmas party. She was

wearing this jaunty little elf cap. Ohh.

She looked so for Bidden. Debbie, I

know we've had our differences, but I'm

a professional so I forgive you

completely for all the dumb things you've

done to annoy me. Wow, I am

so grateful.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but

I'd really like to ring your bell.

They will go for it.

Thank you, that was incredible. Come with

me. Love her. Boy,

Nick, that is some story. But right now

we've got another big story. It's called

horror on the half court. Shaquille

O'Neal and Kobe Bryant have been feuding

ever since Kobe joined the Lakers. They

both want to be the team's number one

superstar, but there's only one way for

that to happen. One of them. Has to

die. And there's Kobe, Named after the

pricing and scrumptious Japanese beef.

Kobe is an actor, rapper, shoe salesman,

Laker, just like his teammate, and that

kind of competition gets under all 86

inches of Shack skin. But you'd never

know it to look at the happy

rapper. Here he is. k*ll

O'Neill.

Thanks for the snack. Wanna swell treat

for Shack Shack delighting the fans with

his unique rap stylings. I want a

good clean fight. The one who scores

the most baskets wins and the one

who dies, loses.

Stripped the ball from second. Draws

first blood.

Look at this Kobe Bryant. Very

pleased with himself. Ohh, no fair

he found me. That

was so funny. There are no fouls in

a death match, Your big baby. Nah, it's

all good, Pops. Go ahead. Let him take

the free throw. What? He ain't gonna make

it. He never makes it. Shaq. Determined

to prove them wrong. He's lining up,

getting ready to sh**t.

He misses again.

See, check this new star in town, big

guy. I can run circles around you on the

court and off. Was that at this? Because

I don't like getting this. No, this is a

disc. Ohh, I'd probably check with a

quote. Rage of cruelty.

Now sharks displaying some fancy

footwork. Ohh, there goes our ball.

I'm sorry, I win, I win.

The big goon popped the ball

and incredible Kobe thinks he's the

winner for this game of fight

actually be over. It's possible, Nick.

MTV only brought US1 basketball. Well, I

guess you win Golden. Nice job.

What's that? Yes, Shaq just ripped off

Kobe's hand and slammed the door.

Throw it in, this game is back

on. Ohh, Santastic Shack still seemed to

light a fire under Kobe here. This

took out Jack. Ohh, glass in my

eyes. A nasty surprise. Even a face

full of glass can't stop the mad

rap stylings of O'Neill.

An air ball from Kobe and Shaq shatters

the backboard without a single body part

going through the hoop. Stand

corrected. Kobe takes the lead, shacks

behind. He's got to be feeling the

pressure. What's he up to now? He's

gotten hold of some kind of turban

or giant genie is what I am.

Did someone say the name? Because I

am. Whoa. That's references his ill

advised rapping genie film. Sam, I

can't believe he's going there.

Lookout Toby shacks broken out

his powerful hook and Shaq

ties it up. Astounding. That's

right, I'm Shaq. Diesel down

the massive magic one has

materialized our pitch fork from

thin air. But Shaq just

cannot seem to land that three pointer.

Look up in the sky. It's a

bird, it's a plane, it's Superman. Where

ohh set you're super dumb asss.

And credible booze by Kobe Bryant working

in the pink.

Big gains. The lead. Yeah. Woo,

woo, woo. Ohh, look out. Ohh.

Nobody's going for the kneecap steal.

Kobe Bryant breaking this game wide

open. That's OK. Jack doesn't need

knees. I'm Jack of all trades,

master of none.

What about the pancreas? Does Shaq need a

pancreas? I don't know.

About this thing. Need this. No,

he's unstoppable. He's in the zone.

Well, no, no, no. 422 to

four. Look at this kid. Go

upset. Shaq is really in trouble

now.

Going for the gut slam?

Yes, he's stuffing.

Jack.

This fight is over.

The winner is Toby

Bryant. Goku, Goku. Kobe.

Go go, go, Kobe. And there you

have it. Just like that, the world

has been rid of two quarries, a

legendary Hollywood movie mogul, Elaine,

and one rapping sports superstar. Nick,

I've been thinking about that story you

told me earlier. Debbie's version was a

little different. Ohh. Really. Well,

don't believe her. She was asked deep

in the eggnog. Actually, her version does

sort of make sense. Let me tell

you something, the young lady. Ohh, we

argue a lot, but you know I

love you, don't you? There, I said

it. I love you. Now kiss me

my sweet. Hello honey baby.

Umm, let's go somewhere

where we could talk.

Somebody please tell me they got that on

tape. That's weird. Maybe I'm not the

father after all. Will you be bringing

your new girlfriend home to meet the

folks? You know, I was wondering how I

got those burn marks. Thanks for

watching, everybody. Good fight. Good

night.