04x09 - Battle of the Superfreaks

[bunniefuu]

What will happen when the entire cast of

JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings epic

motion picture trilogy invades the

deathmatch ring? God only knows, but

you'll be the next to find out right

here, right now.

Celebrity Deathmatch.

Good, free. Good evening, ladies and

gentlemen. I'm Johnny Gomez. I'm Nick

Diamond and sweet Jesse Jackson. Do we

have some excitement for you tonight? You

folks at home think you can handle it?

You're ready. You're sure you're ready?

You sure I can't hear you? Take it

easy, Nick. They tuned in, didn't they?

But I can't hear them, Johnny. They're at

home. That is true. Well, anyway, rest

assured, America, with the arrival of the

entire cast from the Lord of the Rings

motion picture trilogy tonight. Has

become far and away the most ambitious,

expensive and well thought out deathmatch

extravaganza we've ever staged. Feel my

heart if you don't believe me Johnny, I

believe you. No, seriously, pounding away

like a Jack rabbit in heat right now.

Let's go down to ringside where the

fighters are arriving and this

deathmatch. Bounties on its feet?

What the hell, Johnny? I'm having a

spell. Hang on, Nick. I think it's some

kind of power outage. Where in my brain

am I conscious? I can't find my hands.

Maybe someone downstairs knows what the

Hell's going on. Hello. Down there. Can

somebody in maintenance please tell me

what the Hell's going on? Yeah, not to

worry. We just blew the. #3 transformer.

What's the shorted out the system?

Because it looks like the main power grid

is totally shot. Ohh. And what does that

mean? Means the lights went out. Listen,

we're on the air right now and we

need electricity, so if there's anything

you can do, we'd appreciate. OK, Now hold

your water cowboy. It's gonna take a few

minutes. We have to repair all the

circuits. Well, do your best. And please

don't call me Cowboy. Nick. It's worse

than I thought. We've lost power to the

entire arena. All the cameras on. That's

a damn good question. We'll have to

assume they are not. Ohh. Good. So I can

take my shirt off. That's

better. It's going to get pretty steamy

in here without any AC. Nick, we've got

to get the show going. Our only course of

action may be to fire up the gasoline

powered generator that was recently

installed under the desk. All right, so

we can play the radio, huh? No, so we

can power this VCR, which was also

recently installed under the. This. Hey,

talk about convenient. Now I can finally

see that Jerky Boys movie. Henry My

Knapsack. Would you think it's for the

viewers at home? If they don't get their

loud music, flashing lights, and

celebrity bloodshed soon, they're liable

to do something drastic like change the

channel. Ohh, good thing I also brought

along my tape of The Freak. Knights

incredible look. Pop it in while I fire

up the VCR.

Folks, stand by for round one of

our Freak Fight tournaments. Real life

freaks genetically engineered from the

organic remains of celebrities k*lled in

the death match ring.

Now give me a big hell yeah

for our first super freak cousin Grimm.

Take a look at that thing. It's

hideous. Thing is, nobody knows exactly

which celebs DNA went into which free.

We've had our share of rednecks on

this show. Roseanne. Bill Clinton. But

judging by that, back here was definitely

got some Bigfoot in it. And here's

his opponent. Give me a big hill.

Yeah, for Pierce McCracken with tattoos,

piercings of Gen. X attitude. Pierce from

crack could be any of those MTV

posters. Ohh, wonderful. Sandy Trent

Reznor any or Dennis Rodman. Maybe even

that Keith Flint guy from Prodigy. Since

we have no idea what these freaks are

capable of, we've asked Mills Lane to

stay out of the ring for this one. The

fight will start when the bell letter

second Johnny. These monsters are

breaking loose. Oh my God, I don't

believe it.

Here's the crack using that skateboard to

his advantage. But ohh friend lays him

out with a blow from that giant. They're

formed meat claw by hand.

Wait, what the hell are these freaks

doing? The fight is out of control.

They're tearing up the ring and the fan.

I told you, Johnny, this is what happens

when you try to play God. Don't go do

something. OK? Hang on.

Time out fellas. This is how we do things

at Death Match and get your ***** back in

here stone cold, taking a minute to try

and reason with these freaks. You can't

just kick a guy to Kingdom come. You got

to express yourself while you do it.

Let's say I got a guy in a headlock and

I was going to pound him like there's no

tomorrow. I'd say something like, heads

up chief, you're about to get your

***** whipped. Ohh, understand. Remember,

when you're in this ring, you ain't

just a couple of freaks, you're

celebrities. So start entertaining.

And this freaking light is back on.

Dude, this is better than the Pit at

the Family Value show. Looks like Stone

Cold's impromptu lesson has hit home. I

can already see the headline and variety

hit from sticks. Knicks with kicks.

We're from there.

Back. Dude, that's lame. Let me show you

what a tongue lashing is all about.

About star power Celebrity has been bred

into the blood that flows through their

veins and onto our back.

Oh oh.

How are you holding up?

No to say something like this.

Here's his deflated, but not

defeated. Looks like Cousin

Grimm is teaching him how they pick up

women in the trailer park. Just

doesn't want to be the weak link in this

fight. Grim has to be concerned about

where this chain of events is heading.

Ohh, I'd rather I'd rather be wrong.

Incredible. It looks like Pierce

McCracken has won. This thing ain't over

yet, Nick. Unbelievable. He sprouted

another body causing Grimm's genetic

structure. Must be completely unstable. I

wonder if there's any Roseanne in him.

Welcome back. His material may need

work, but you can't fault the

delivery of that move.

Talked about a spinal fusion. He really

looks good on himself because of Grim

here. Wins the first ever super freak

fight and that's the bottom line because

Stone Cold said so.

Ohh welcome back Deathmatch fans. If you

can see us, I guess we'll take a quick

break and hopefully everything will be

back to normal when we return. Ohh, sure

it will. In fact, I promise on my life

and eternal soul, as well as on the life

and eternal soul of my co-host Nick, that

by the time we get back from commercial

the lights. Will be back on and the

show will go on so stick around. Ohh

and referee Mills Lanes life and eternal

soul too. That should cover it.

Johnny, I'm in big trouble. I promised

everyone's lives in eternal souls the

lights would be back on by now. Folks, if

you're out there, welcome back to

Celebrity Death Match, where Nick here

just single handedly doomed all of his

coworkers now. There's gotta be pisssed

we're experiencing some technical

problems, but we hope that soon we can

start our incredible fight starring the

cast of the new motion picture

blockbuster JRR Tolkien's Lord of the

Rings. At least I didn't bother putting

my shirt back on. Cheese. It's like an

oven in here. What? Hey, hang on.

Yes, we're back. OK, ladies and

gentlemen. Never mind. I was just

scratching my upper lip. Johnny, in case

you were wondering, maybe we should watch

another freak fight. Good idea.

Meanwhile, I'll go find some candles. Be

careful, Nick, you don't want to fall

and break your *****. My

ask? I think it's broken, Johnny.

It looks like the menacing monstrosities

are making their entrances here. He

is a chef who does his

best devoting outside the kitchen. The

Buddha of butchery, the culinary

kamikaze. Benny Kruma.

Hello, does match fans anybody

hungry?

These genetic deviants may not have the

pay or play movie deals or the five

album record contracts, but their cells

are packed with enough celebrity DNA to

drive any audience. While with his

appetite for cooking up destruction, it

seems like Benny Trauma here could

contain parts of Emeril Lagasse and

Jackie Chan, but he's all frequented. I'm

stuck carving up on mail, which is

exactly what his challenger is to him.

There he is, the savage scarf, the

k*ller carbohydrate potato cod. Don't try

serving him with ketchup. This guy

prefers the taste of blood. I am

not an animal.

I'm October, but Judo Conn's origins are

unusual, even for a freak. Let's take

a look. As Stone Cold

was hard at work churning the guts of

past celebrities into the current batch

of freaks, some foreign DNA fell into the

mix. But tragedy turned to triumph as the

DNA of the French fry was successfully

recombined with the celebrity DNA.

Potatoes are short guy with a huge chip

on his shoulder. In other words, he has

the same genetic makeup as all of

Hollywood. I'm guessing he's got a little

Joe Pesci in him as well as some Genghis

Khan. OK freaks, listen up. I

don't approve of genetic engineering when

it comes to my grub, but in your case,

I'll make an exception. Now let's get it

all. I've had to deal with your kind my

whole life. Just because my grandparents

grew up in a pile of dirt doesn't make

you better than me. Potatoes

on you are very funny but at 450°

with some chives. But you won't be so

funny anymore here.

Damn it, it took my schnauzer any trauma.

Starts the acting with a quick nose job.

Smells delicious ohh.

We have a birthday here tonight.

Welcome. Happy birthday boy. Tonight I

prepare for you a special 3

course birthday meal. Here comes

appetizer. Ohhh yeah, yeah. Right.

It's just not done that, Chief. What are

you gonna do about it? Here, I'll give

you a little sampling. I think we're

about to see a move that's harder to

pull off than Vince McMahon's toupee.

Yes, it's the potato pancake. Incredible.

Here comes Benny Trauma.

He really flipped him off. That's right.

And he's pumped up for more punishment.

Ohh baby trauma lands officious

double cross. Ohh God all

the action is going to

potatoes head.

Smell that violence, sweet potato pie.

This reminds me of a brutal battle I

fought back in 78. Boy it was ugly.

First I was slammed onto the dinner

table, then my head was pounded into a

plate. Finally I jumped up and screamed.

What? I don't want to finish my veggies,

mommy. It's not the freaks

in the ring I'm worried about. Ohh.

Your Cato's side has been reduced to side

dishes. Second course is

ready. Ohh yuck yuck yuck.

Kevin, say thank you to the subhuman

monster. Thank you. That birthday boy is

having the time of his life. You know,

it's funny, my parents forgot my birthday

one year and that's OK, but sometimes

when I think about it, I just want to.

No, please don't k*ll me.

This isn't for you, it's

for me. Ohh. Any trauma? Give

me a hand, would you? There you go.

Ohh, that potato sure is Steve and it

looks like he just even the score in

the arms race. Ohh no for the main

dish. Ohh, my

eyes. All sixty of them. I think we're

about to see Benny Trauma cash in potato

chips. Ohh.

Absolutely right, man kind. This is what

I call grilling and chilling needs

special sauce. I can only imagine the

kind of deadly concoction that bottle

holds. Lookout. That sauce contains MSG

banned in most arenas and better

restaurants, but we're not here.

Take a look at that Nick. Apparently

MSG and DNA just don't mix. This

potato is out of control.

You said it, that mutated potato

just mutated his way to victory.

That is one Studley spun. The

winner is Potato.

Nick, you there? I'm here, Johnny.

How about you? Ohhh yeah, I'm

here too, Nick.

I think I broke my *****. Damn it. I've

had enough of this nonsense. I've gotta

put my foot down. Hey, Mr. we've got a

show to do. We need an update. Right.

Like I told you before, we had to fix

the circuits, and then we had to put out

a small fire, which is now under control.

OK, you're happy. But why aren't the

lights back on yet? Well, then we had to

get some sodas. You got sodas in the

middle of the show? Not entirely. Clovis

here had him. One of those sparkling

waters is real fizzy. Hey, I don't think

you guys understand. We've got a lot of

people waiting for the lights to come

back on. What you think we could just get

away with?Showing clips for an entire

show. Now get to work. And no more

breaks until the power is back on. Yeah.

Yeah. OK, Cowboy, we'll get right on that

as soon as we finish our sodas. Yeah.

Hit me. Now. Listen to me. You're big

ball. My name is not Cowboy. It's Johnny

Gomez. And I run this show now, put

down the damn sodas before I come down

there and split open your damn stone. Ohh

yeah. How you gonna find me in the dark?

Union mooks.

Hey, the lights on, right? OK, we're

back and everything is normal. Nick. Do

you? Nick, is it safe? Who are

you hiding from? Looters? Nick, the

lights are on. So how about we

get on with the show, folks? If

you're like me, you'll love the science

fiction and. There's no cooler science

fiction than the science fiction of JRR

tokens, Lord of the Rings franchise.

Wizards, trolls, lovable hobbits, even a

crazy guy named Gandalf and cast is

here and ready to kick some. Well,

maybe with a French fry. It's ash

whooping time, Johnny. Golf diamond.

I'm feeling mean.

Ohh, while Johnny tries to beat up

maintenance workers in the dark, let's

look at the Tournament of Freaks Grand

Freak Fight Finale. Who am I even talking

to?

Wow, looks like Colin had his tater

tendrils trimmed in cloth for a sleek of

free cloth.

Show some respect, sicko. That could have

been somebody's mother.

But there's no question he's still

a disgusting hyperviolent monstrosity and

bears his opponent that three legged

backwards brawler cousin Grim. Let's do

brunch. Have your freaks call by

freaks. A different Grim from the

one we last saw. Hey Johnny.

Looks like. This hillbillies gone

Hollywood. Alright freak, let's lay some

ground rules. Don't either of you touch

me ever. I mean that y'all just ain't

right. Let's get it on.

And potato conflicts into action.

The moose knuckle bruise. Ohh. I haven't

seen a good old boy become such a prima

Donna since Billy Bob Thornton hit it

big. You're not going to need headshots

when I get through with you because you

ain't going to have a head.

Think that O'Hare jobs? Ohh, there. Oh,

what's this Screen is nailing Conn's feet

to the ground with what appeared to

be a pair of 24 karat gold

Playboy Mansion issue martini stirrers.

Potatoes taking a lot of abuse in there

and trust me on this folks, vegetables do

feel pain. I'm not

sure how much punishment Potato Con can

take. I think he may be rallying for some

kind of comeback. Think

so Nick Potato Con has left the building

now watch Graham doing good book taught

me this. I

wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't

seen it. Pleasant Grim has turned this

terrible tumor into potato chips. Hold

on. That's wicked. DNA is notoriously

unpredictable. It appears to be mutating.

Nope.

Ohh, welcome there for

four. It's multiplicity mayhem.

Grimm's messing his opponents



One second, it looks like Cousin Greg.

Wait a minute, Johnny, look at Grimm's

midsection. Could it be the spuds are

climbing up towards his brain? It seems

his plan has really backfired. Girl,

girl, I know you said I'm too small

for you.

Amazing print shows them who's the

force by beating himself senseless.

Darcy. Those



Unbelievable. It seems Cousin Graham

has done himself in a

grim ending for a grim

freak. And the winner is.

See, I guess in the couple

of potatoes and a freaky ending

to a big freak out potato

Khan, or at least several miniature

versions of them, is victorious, are

victorious, whatever. Well, folks, we're

out of time. Thanks for listening.

Johnny, is that you?OK, hey,

the lights came on just in

time for us to say goodbye

for Celebrity death match. I'm Nick

Diamond. Ohh, I said. I'm Nick

Diamond and I'm Johnny goes. Good

height. Good night. Hey, nice job

getting the lights back on you.

Showed them.