04x10 - Clash of the Trashy Titans

[bunniefuu]

Living legend will continue living. Which

overexposed nasty boy will rise to the

occasion and which Hollywood vixens will

battle their beautiful butts to the

bitter end? Find out. On tonight's

titillating torn from the tabloids

celebrity debate.

Good evening. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond. And tonight we bring you

a very special death match. We call

it the Flash of the Trashy Titans.

All of tonight's fighters are prime

celebrity scandal makers, and each has

become a gigantic bullseye on the media's

humiliating dartboard of degradation. But

ladies and gentlemen, as any top

Hollywood PR agent will tell you, no

press is bad press. Forget those high

profile charity events, because there's

nothing like a highly embarrassing.

Arrest to get you on the cover

of Entertainment Weekly. Which brings us

to tonight's lineup. First up, father of

rock'n'roll Chuck Berry and godfather of

soul James Brown answered the musical

question, who is music's most scandalous

living legend? Our second match pitch pop

star George Michael against comedian Paul

Rubens. Both bad boys plant up, pound

their opponent as well as their checkered

past into a pulverized pile of poke

gained in the main event. It's DUI

versus hit and run when TV star

Shannon Doherty collides with film star

Halle Berry for the title of the

DB's most deadliest day. So. Let's bring

out our first two fighters, Chuck Berry

and James Brown, both indisputable living

legends. Chuck Berry starred in his own

***** sex video which made its way around

the underground market with his passion

for high speed drug induced car chases.

James Brown has literally gone the extra

mile to make himself the funk. Andy

with a rap sheet as long

as his WAVY locks. Who's the

most scandalous living legend? Let's find

out right now. And here is

Chuck Berry. Hello everybody, get ready

to rock'n'roll as I k*ll the

Godfather of Soul. And there's the

Godfather himself. That's not James

Brown, Nick, it's his trusty sidekick and

personal announcer, Mr. Danny Ray. I'm

here to tell you about the great

soul classic James Brown. Preaching such

tunes as the spank out of sight.

It's a man's world living in the

since the classic James Brown intro takes

at least 5. Minutes. Let's check in with

Debbie Metropolis with a fighter from our

second bout, George Michael. Of course,

Debbie's no stranger to scandal herself,

Johnny. Just check out her bulbous unwed

belly. Thanks for the kind words, Nick.

I'm here with George Michael, who's busy

preparing for the fight that he hopes

will return him to his former glory.

George. You in there show love. Just put

the microphone through that hole.

Any thoughts on tonight's battle to

regain your dignity? I'm certain that my

upcoming victory tonight will reestablish

my credibility as a ******* musician, and

the name George Michael will again be

synonymous with magnificence and glamour.

Everybody, it's time for the man of

the hour, The Tower of Power too

sweet to be South. Let's call out

the King of Soul himself. James Brown.

James Brown. James Brown.

And Brown finally enters the ring, Very

seems to have dozed off. I don't

know. Wait, He's up. He's ready to

fight. I

feel so good, I wanna kiss myself.

Ohh, very anxious to begin this brawl. No

fam, the fight ain't that good yet. I'll

allow it. Now let's boogie down. Say if

you live Mr. Brown, I'd sure like you to

autograph my Rocky 4 video. Now a lot of

people ask me how I came up with my

classic scoot that you just saw. Well,

let me tell you. Ohh, looks like we're in

for a behind the music moment. One night

at the old Cosmopolitan Lounge, Bo

Diddley and I were playing football and I

was kicking his black ***** like nobody's

business. But both didn't like that and

we got into an argument and I was forced

to really kick his asss using my foot

like so.

He should know better than to turn his

back on the hardest working headed show

business. You people wanna hear ohh fat

tell old stories. No, you don't. What you

want, what you need. It's the seed that

God father working. So it's a tough.

Space. Excuse me while I put a little

Jelly. And that pudding pie.

Brown, getting busy with some of his

world famous and highly lethal footwork,

very breaks it down with a six string

lateral move and buries up. They don't

call these things access for nothing

either.

Look at that huge of Hairspray have given

grown up quartz stronger than Chuck's

classic Gibson. OK though baby, you

better look out cause problems. Got a

brand new bag of rocks?

The only thing brand new about you brown

is your teeth.

What do you think of that? You've done

a little bit. Hey, look at me. I'm

James Brown, g*n wielding, high speed

chasing lunatic food. Give it back

though, peace. Little known

fact Brown also the godfather of

ninjitsu. You better watch out Barrett

cause gave fans a sex machine. In

fact I'm a sex machine and hands

with the state of the laser technology

baby good Lord and classic James Brown

style the godfather of soul is giving

this crowd there. Mornings work, complete

with a spectacular lethal laser light

show provided by his superpowered thief.

Even in the face of his own

mortality, Chuck Berry deftly avoids the

deadly rain. That's why he's a legend,

Johnny. He made it better because you're

thinking things about to go to

Rock'n'roll heaven. Wow. Lookout James

Brown has set his sights on Chuck

Berries. Berries. They're not kidding.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to get

ready to say goodbye to one of music's

oldest living legends and hello to the

newest dance legend.

Feel good. Ohh. The lasers have

been deflected by Chuck Berry's giant

diamond ring. On the

other hand, I feel bad.

It is conceivable James Brown has been

hoisted on his own petard. This fight

is over. Hoist on his own petard.

Chuck Berry is the winner and the

father of rock'n'roll reign supreme as

music's most scandalous living legend.

Don't touch that. Dial the blood purging.

Continues with George Michael and Paul

Peewee, Herman Rubin, and I'll proudly be

serving up some personal tidbits on a

filthier and more embarrassing than you

ever thought possible. Nick, I don't

think the viewing audience is interested

in your personal tidbits. Yeah, well, I

don't think the audience knows what

Petard means. Because I sure don't.

Welcome back to this super scandalous

Celebrity Deathmatch event, The Clash of

the Trashy Titan. But before we get to

our next pair of smutt stained rivals, I

have some visual scandal candy to share

with the fans. What are you talking

about, Nick?My own personal library of

public embarrassments. I call it Nick

Daddy's cavalcade of shame. Mom and Dad

might want to send the Little Tikes

to the other room. Hey, go on,

roll it estoy. We incredibly mente. We

esteem Melado.

You're probably wondering why I'm

standing here completely naked.

Get off me. He transformed into a

human. You just beat up a 12

year old. Beat up? Ohh. No, Johnny,

he's fine. Just look. Johnny. Did you

see who's here? It's Zeena, and she's

really here. She's really out there.

How humiliating. I sure hope I don't end

up on the front page of Variety. Those

are just random acts of stupidity.

Jealous because he hasn't racked up the

kind of A list superstar scandals that I

have. You want to talk about scandal? No

one can say that Our next two nefarious.

Martins haven't earned the right to be

called scandalous. Degenerate superstar

George Michael topped the pop charts with

hits like Freedom and I Want Your Sex,

But who knew he wanted our sex in

a public restroom in Beverly Hills? All

Moving centered our living rooms and our

hearts as the mischievous and lovable

manchild Kiwi. But as the peewee showed

his pee pee in a Sarasota **** house,

that lovable character was carted away in

a hearse constructed of off color jokes

and public humiliation. And we here at

Celebrity Deathmatch bought the quickest

way for these fallen stars to regain

their former respect and nobility was to

dress them up in flamboyant gladiator.

That's right Johnny, give me some of

that old time gory glory, because it's

time for the first ever celebrity death

match. one-on-one gladiator battle at the

Barbarian sex maniacs. I

must say, this whole gladiator concept

sure adds a level of Greco-roman class.

We who are about to die salute

you. Does that mean he thinks she's

going to lose? No, Nick, that's the

traditional gladiator greeting I see. And

here comes his opponent. Hey, boys and

girls, today. Secret word is

sucker. Ohh. Don't know

what to do when you hear

the secret word scream real loud.

Sticker. Looks like Rubens is using

his beloved peewee character to win

the crowd over. Also looks like

he recycled his trademark bicycle into

a peewee S Centurion. Shut up.

Get up here, you little winker. I know

you are, but what am I? I know you are,

but what am I? I know you are, but what

am I? Infinity. I know you are, but what

am I? Infinity times too. Damn. OK, I got

two things to say to you guys nesting

below the belt. And don't keep your hands

to yourself, if you know what I mean. So

funny. Forgot to laugh, let's get it on.

Repair, heathen, as I unleash hell upon

thee and regain my honor and dignity, why

don't you cut the Russell Crowe act? You

Mecca leka high Mecca hiney h*.

Ohh, Michael's disgraced with a Mace to

the face.

Rubens attacks with a lamb to

the head, which only seems to

enrage Michael. Stop stop, make me

make monkeys. I just train them.

Is getting a lot of mileage out of that

pee wee character take that you overheard

Saturday morning has been listen hot. So

I'll have you know I've been in several

major motion pictures since then,

including the critically acclaimed movie

blow. As far as I'm concerned, Rubens,

you blow that. From what I read, that's

your department.

Smooth move ex-lax. What

about this move yo-yo.

Bully George Michael takes the lead with

a series of reverse shield snack packs.

I do want this cha cha flare.

Ohh, you know what that sound means,

Ladies and gentlemen, no classic

gladiator style fight to the death would

be complete without a man eating tiger,

because there's nothing more

entertaining. The same two men sh**t

to death by a hungry and

disoriented animal. What? What do we

do? Obviously no match for the

tiger with our bare hands. We'll

have to use other talents. Decoupage

now, but I think music soothes

the savage beast. Ohh, yes. The

Lullaby.

Goodbye.

Tricky maneuver. You got that right. One

false note and that tiger could lose it.

So weird. Now get closer and sing right

into his ear.

A little closer.

Goodbye. Dangerously

close.

That's it saying right into his ear.

Suspense is k*lling me

crazy.

And all.

I did it. He's asleep.

Brilliant strategy by Ruben utilizing

peewee secret work to help win

this match.

Paul Rubin is the winner.

Amazing fight. Yes, it was. But before we

take a break, I have to get something off

my chest. What's that, Nick? I haven't

been a very good friend to you, Johnny.

I've taken all the scandals for myself

and left you with nothing. That's OK. No,

it isn't. Ladies and gentlemen, I vowed

that before this night is over, I will do

everything in my power to ruin. Johnny

Gomez's life with a scandal that would

make even Mickey Rourke's hair stand on

end. What's left of it anyway, huh?

Coming up, it's our main event as

Halle Berry and Shannon Doherty take to

the dreaded Dome of Devastation. Trustme.

Welcome back slander hounds to celebrity

death matches. Clash of the trashy

Titans. If you thought that last battle

was a catfight, have we got a feline

frenzy for you? Excuse me Madam, but we

are in the middle of a live broadcast.

Hello, sailor. I'm Cookie. Looks like

your ship is coming, baby. What is the

meaning of this? Well, I imagine this

individual was hoping you'd offer her

money for sex on camera. Well, that's not

going to happen. Are you sure? It would

make a hell of a scandal, Which is what

tonight's show is all about. If you think

I would ever. And should have paying

Cookie. Cookie for Mookie for anything.

You're sadly mistaken. You're the one

who's mistaken. Look what it did for

you, Grant, Umm, and so many others.

I set it up with you later,

Nick. Hmm. Ohh. And now for our

main event, Shannon Doherty. Courses

Halle Berry These bad girls have each

made the tabloids thanks to their

recurring vehicular flirtations with

Johnny law. TV actress Shannon Doherty

was pulled over when helped truck was

seen veering across several lanes of the

Ventura highway. Doherty has worked the

fish angle about as long as she possibly

can, but with the. On set tantrums and

giving the finger to reporters. But if

she wants to stay in the press, she

still needs to prove that she's a menace

to society, as does movie actress Halle

Berry. Holly was boring, boring, boring.

That is, until she was linked to two,

count them two cases of hit and run.

Haley needs to stay. Behind the wheel and

do some more damage if she wants America

to keep rubbernecking her way. Tonight,

one of these beauties is gonna become

roadkill. Will it be shot in the toughest

bich on wheels or hit and run, Hallie?

Well, nobody's running this time, Nick,

because we're putting these two sea

warriors in the Dome of devastation. To

find out once and for all who's the

DMV's most deadliest day, and just to

make it fun, we've thrown in some

automotive a*tillery, courtesy of our

friends at South Speedy Lube and Auto

Body Repair Shop. I want a good, clean

fight. Let's get it on.

You think you're tough, Miss Movie Star.

You don't know tough until you've wasted

your best years grinding out serial

episodic television while playing the

most famous harpy in America television.

How quaint. Actually, after my days as a

beauty queen, I was on a television show

called Living Dolls.

When I get through with you, you'll be

ready for the spin off Dead Dog. Other

retort by Shannon.

How do you like that crown beauty queen?

This hubcap makes me look fat.

Devastating use of a review mirror. If

anyone else was hurt in that accident,

I'm deeply sorry and I hope they make

a speedy and full recovery. Hallie Berry

trying to make a clean getaway, but she's

way made by a pair of fuzzy face.

You concern is phonier than your. Meadow

accent in Bulworth. Shannon making

her move. I tell you,

Johnny, hell hath no fury

like a spelling star. Scorn.

OK, X-Men lady, you're about

to become extinct. Here we

go, Johnny. Unbelievable. Look at

that. Shannon has created. Automotive

stop change.

That TV Sorcerers has Halle Berry right

where she wants. It appears she's gonna

take her time and enjoy this. Hey.

Ohh, right in the Golden Globes. Alright,

Miss Halle Berry, get ready to become

a Halle Berry. Ohh, it looks like

he's looking to close the deal.

No you don't, you stupid little TV

bits. Ohh. But Holly Berry Rick covers

with a duster door uppercut and does

she look angry?

Proving once again that drawers can be

lethal. Give it up Hallie. We all know

nice girls finish last. That's because

the nasty girls die first. Ohh.

Ohh, Tony takes an 8 cylinder single

stroke engine upside the head and she's

out. What a turnaround. Hallie Berry has

bombed this fight. But wait, Doherty's up

and the natural gases emanating from her

body seemed to repowering that engine,

but who knows what's going on.

Not Motörhead of hers. Oh my

God. I can't see and my

dad. Hello. This vehicle is equipped

with the Global Positioning System. How

may I be of service to

you? Really help me k*ll Halle

Berry. Turn left on believable. It

looks like some sort of. Forces

guiding Doherty continue straight 10

yards. I don't know how, but Darren

is going head on for the k*ll.

Do you have any idea how

much this outfit cost?

And the winner is Shannon Doherty.

Shannon Doherty. The DMV's deadliest day.

And that's it for this tabloid tarnished,

super scandalous clash of the trashy

Titans. All right, Nick, I've been

waiting in the men's bathroom just like

you told me for long enough times

up I. Want my money, but he doesn't

want to. What? You're trying to stick me?

Meet up? I'm already 350 in the hole for

this Gerber. You told me to buy. Yeah.

I'm sorry, Cookie, but nothing. I want my

money. I don't have your money. Then

taking it out of your eyes.

Till next time, this is

Johnny Gomez saying goodnight. Goodnight.