01x04 - Watch Your Assic Park

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

-All right, Spankees! -Go, Spankees!

-Go! Go! -Go, Spankees!

Spankees rule!

Spank you! Spank me! Spank you!

[WHISTLES]

Can't stop the spank machine!

What is it about sports

that turns guys into animals?

Oh, tell me about it.

Get a load of that orangutan!

[GROWLING]

ANNOUNCER: Now batting, number four, Harry Bronz.

[GRUNTS]

[ALL CHEERING]

-ANNOUNCER: Way to go, Harry! -[WHOOPING]

Now it's time to announce our "Fans of the Day."

Winners will receive four V.I.P. passes

to watch the Spankees train at Watch Your Assic Park.

-Hey, boss, look, that's us! -[EXCLAIMING]

We won!

We... We're goin' to Watch Your Assic Park!

-Yeah! Yeah! -Whoo-hoo!

Ugh! Who would want to go to some place

called "Watch Your Assic Park"?

It's only the top athletic center in the universe, princess.

It's a sports fan's dream vacation.

[YAWNS] Sound super-boring.

Count me out.

Oh, no. Tough cookies. You're goin'.

You promised you'd do whatever I asked

-if I stopped whistling. -[GROANS]

VESPA: You guys owe me big-time.

I could be shoe shopping right now.

LONE STARR: Trust me, princess, this is gonna be awesome.

We're gonna get so close to these athletes

-you'll be showering in their sweat! -VESPA: Ugh!

Sounds like my idea of hell.

-Hi. How's it going? -[GIGGLING]

Here's our V.I.P. Passes.

-That's right... I said, "V.I.P." -[GIGGLING]

Ouch!

-Lone Starr? -President Skroob?

Helmet, what the hell's Lone Starr doing here?

-Uh, he won "Fan of the Day," Sir. -Fan of the Day?

So you're saying it's a coincidence he's here?

The episode had to start somehow.

Bullshit! He's obviously plotting to foil my latest evil plan.

What's Skroob doing here?

Well, he... He kinda... Owns the Spankees.

What? How can you root for a team

run by the most evil man in the galaxy?

It's a moral conundrum I've chosen to ignore, okay, princess?

Look, the point is, I bet he's plotting an evil plan as we speak!

Look, Skroob,

why don't you just tell us what your evil plan is

so we can speed things along here?

Okay, fair enough.

Helmet, prepare the expositional film strip.

When I first bought the Spankees,

they, like any Spaceball team, occasionally lost.

-[SCREAMING] -Well, you know me... I hate losing.

So, using advanced pseudo-science,

I transformed my players into super-athletes

by juicing them with steroids and some dinosaur DNA.

[GROWLING]

The results were spectacular!

And so I expanded my operation to spanktify,

if you will, other sports,

and created Watch Your Assic Park to train them.

Soon, my... Dino-athletes

will be exploited around the galaxy

and I will rule the sports universe.

[BUGLE BLOWING]

-[SCREAMS] -[HORSE NEIGHING]

Hey, you can't do this!

You'll ruin the purity of sports!

Skroob, this time you've gone too far.

Oh, please. Sissy.

Do you know how many evil plans I've had

that have been way worse than this?

Well, you won't succeed, not if I can help it.

Oh, yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna blog about it!

You're gonna... Wait a minute.

Helmet, what the hell's "blog"?

It's short for "web log," sir.

It's a diary one keeps on the internet.

What do I care what some yahoo like Lone Starr

writes on the internet?

[SCOFFS] Because some people,

most likely in my immediate family,

might actually read it, and, theoretically,

they could forward it to friends

and, with a bit of luck, the news could reach dozens.

[LAUGHING]

That's just too sad for words.

Look, why don't you tour the park before passing judgment?

Wait. Why should we trust you?

You're an evil maniac who's tried to k*ll us hundreds of times.

True, true.

True, but you have my word as a man of pseudo-science

that you'll be safe.

Plus, I'll throw in season tickets for the Spankees

to sweeten the pot.

Season tickets? Deal.

This electric car will shuttle you around.

There are electric fences to protect you from the athletes.

And an electric guitar in the back

in case anyone wants to annoy everyone else in the car.

[ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING]

[CLEARS THROAT] Uh...

Joining you will be my adorable nine-year-old niece Jasmine.

I love sports! I'm precocious!

As well as two anonymous lawyers.

-Hello. How do you do? -Uh, careful.

We are not to telegraph too much personality

or the audience might grow attached to us.

Oh. Good point.

I don't know, Lone Starr,

trusting Skroob still seems like beyond stupid.

Nah. We'll be perfectly safe. Come on.

[GROANS] How come they get to go on a tour but I never do?

Because it's a trap, you idiot.

No one comes out of the inner grounds of Watch Your Assic Park

in one piece!

But... What about Jasmine?

-Who? -Your niece, sir.

You sent her in there with them.

Yeah, well, she forgot my birthday once.

MAN: Long!

[GROWLING]

Wow!

I haven't seen a tantrum like that since my niece's "bot" mitzvah.

Oh, that's nothin'.

I saw Kruszinski get so steamed over a call once

he literally ate his own fist!

Uh, Barf, that was Koszlowski, not Kruszinski,

and it was his foot.

Oh, you're wrong, buddy... So wrong.

-I know. I was there. -With all due respect...

-I got the ticket stub! -I don't think so!

[GROANING]

The only thing more boring than sports is sports trivia.

Well, I'm a sports nut.

Good for you.

I'm also cute!

And I speak with precise diction.

Yeah? Well, guess what, little girl?

I am a princess.

I'm a princess, too! Mommy's little princess.

She told me so.

She also told me that I'm precocious!

Ugh! Get me out of here!

Okay, okay! Stop pressing my button already.

I heard you the first times!

Yogurt! What are you doing here?

Well, I have to show up at some point in the episode, don't I?

No, I mean, here in the car.

I'm actually not in the car.

I'm doing this remotely over the internet somehow.

Don't ask.

[STAMMERS] You're...what?

Sportscasting! I'm sportscasting for the park.

I'm like a tour guide.

With the added benefit that I provide lots and lots of sports statistics.

Oh, dear God, k*ll me already!

YOGURT: Here are the Slamodunkosauruses.

They're meshuggah tall.

[GRUNTING]

But what's really astronomical

is the size of their...

Endorsement contracts.

Hey, what sport is that over there?

[ALL SNARLING]

Oh, I have absolutely no idea.

But according to statistics theory,

odds are good that someone's gonna get hurt doing it.

[GRUNTING]

Yogurt, you're a genius! Statistics theory was right!

Here's a statistic for you,

number of hours Yogurt spent on the internet today...

Too many!

Yenta, please.

God only knows what you're doing in there.

I'm showing the kids around the park!

Oh! Is that what they're calling it these days?

[GROANING]

[BARF LAUGHING]

Reminds me of Kruszinski!

-Koszlowski. -Kruszinski.

Koszlowski.

Don't start. Kruszinski.

Ugh!

That's it! I'm going outside.

To help that injured athlete?

No, no, no, you can't! It's too dangerous!

Who said anything about helping?

I just need a break from you people!

Finally, I'm outta here.

[GROANING]

-I bet it's the ACL. -How do you figure?

It's always the ACL. Nine times out of ten.

True. In any case, I doubt we can do anything for her.

Don't you mean "him"?

Uh, no, I mean "her." See for yourself.

-[GROANING] -Oh! Ugh!

It must be all the steroids and dino-DNA.

What's wrong with tall, dark and hairy?

I think she's very nice.

[WHISTLES]

[SHUDDERS]

Oh, crap. Scared her away like I always do.

No, no, no... Not your bad, Barf.

I think a predator spooked her or something.

Man, this place is wild! It's like Animal Planet meets ESPN.

[HOWLING]

No, meets CSI if we don't get the hell out of here right now!

-You know, Dot's right. Let's bounce. -[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[THUNDER CRACKING]

Hey, why aren't we moving?

Now, now, don't panic.

If history teaches us anything,

it's that automated technologies are infallible.

Alert! Attention! The power grid's gone farkakta,

thanks to this storm!

Sure. Blame the storm,

and not your internet, for draining the power!

Here we go again with the internet!

"Get some fresh air," I say.

-Yenta, my internet here has no impact... -"In a minute," you say.

Two hours later, you're still on spacebook...

-YOGURT: ...on the power grid there! -Shh!

Everyone quiet.

-[THUDDING] -Do you hear that noise?

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Sorry. It's just my stomach.

I had a sausage omelet this morning, and...

Shh! No, no, no, no! Not that noise.

-[THUDDING] -That one.

[GROWLING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Stay calm.

We're perfectly safe, thanks to that electric fence.

[YELLING]

Or not.

[SCREECHING]

[GRUNTING]

Yogurt! What is that thing?

That's Tysonosaurus Rex,

the most vicious prize fighter in the galaxy!

What's that all over his face?

It looks like a tattoo of some kind.

It's hideous.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Huh?

[SCREAMING]

Oh, no...

He's grabbed the adorable little girl and one of the anonymous lawyers!

[GRUNTING]

I wonder who's gonna get it first?

Oh! He bit off the lawyer's ear!

Oh! And there goes the rest of him!

What an animal!

Lone Starr, do something!

Like what?

Use the Schwartz, you tool!

Everybody got a plan

till they get punched in the mouth.

It's not working.

That's because the T-Rex's brain is the size of a pea!

You have to focus on his weak spot!

Which is?

He's broke. He'll do anything for money. I mean anything.

Yogurt, are you suggesting I con him with a pyramid scheme?

What? No, you weirdo!

He means to... Oh.

Forget it. I'll do it myself.

Hey! Crazy face!

I got three months of alimony in here.

Come and get it.

-Huh? -[SCREAMS]

[SCREECHES]

What an act of bravery!

Sacrificing an original Tiffany's like that?

I am so proud of you!

[SCOFFS] That was costume jewelry, Dot.

-It cost, like, starbucks. -Oh.

I take it back.

Now what? We can't stay out here.

We're a walking buffet!

You must escape to the one place juiced athletes can't get into.

And where's that, Yogurt?

The Hall of Fame, of course.

[ANIMALS SCREECHING]

[ANIMALS ROARING]

[BARF PANTING]

Must get to...

Must get to hall... Hall of Fame.

Have to push.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Barf, we've only been walking for two minutes.

My body can't handle exercise.

It's a Mawg thing, okay? I'm pooped!

-[FARTS] -Ugh!

Barf, did you just lay an egg?

-No, sir! -Oh, yes, you did,

and don't you deny it!

Hey, you know me. I freely admit to that sort of thing,

but I didn't just lay an egg, okay?

What do you call that?

[LAUGHING]

I guess I did. Go figure.

[COOING]

Oh! They're cute!

What are they?

JASMINE: Triathletops.

They're tops at the triathlon.

-I know everything. -[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

Hey, I think they like me!

Look! This one looks just like me! [CHUCKLES]

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

Uh-oh. Looks like you made mommy mad!

That's not mommy... That's their coach!

[GRUNTING]

Oh, no! Coaches are even more territorial than mommies are!

Run! [PANTING]

Come on, Barf!

Push yourself!

-[SNARLS] -[GASPS]

-[CHUCKLING] Oh, hi there. -[GROWLING]

You know, I'm really not trying to horn in on your territory, so to speak.

Hey, look at me! I'm no coach!

Although I do know a great exercise regimen.

If you're interested, I could show you.

Now, this is how to travel!

There it is... The Hall of Fame.

We made it.

Thanks, good buddies.

[WHIMPERING]

Boy, they're in a rush.

It's almost like they're fleeing from...

Oh, no.

Sluggosauruses!

The most dangerous athletes in the park!

Yogurt told me about them during one of the commercials.

They're strong, fast, and hunt as a team!

And look how much they spit!

That's just nasty.

Come on, let's mosey.

Oh, fudge!

Says here to get in the Hall of Fame

you must submit a urine sample to prove you're not doped.

Oh! I am so not doing that.

[SLUGGOSAURUSES GROWLING]

[EXCLAIMS]

All right. Fine.

How's it goin' in there, Vespa?

VESPA: I can't do this with everyone watching.

Hurry up! The Sluggosauruses are almost here!

I'll pretend I'm a fountain. That might help.

Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip...

VESPA: Not helping, Dot.

[SLUGGOSAURUSES SNARLING]

'Bout freakin' time.

Now, let's go!

[BEEPING]

[ALL SNARLING]

You hit like a bunch of girls! [LAUGHS]

Hey! You suck!

Don't antagonize them more.

Why not? We're perfectly safe in here.

Or not.

This isn't fair!

Juiced-up athletes aren't supposed to make it into the Hall of Fame.

Yeah, they're overturning records that have stood for years!

Someone needs to do something.

Oh. [CHUCKLING] Not it.

Hang on. I have an idea.

What is it, anonymous lawyer #?

I'm going to blog about it.

Oh, God. Not this again.

Who cares about a stupid blog?

We've got monsters running amok!

Oh, no, no, no. Give him a chance, Dot.

A snarkily written blog can be more powerful than the Schwartz itself.

Exactly. Once net-savvy sports nerds read my blog,

they can forward it around or even blog about it themselves.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some blurry cell phone videos I need to upload.

[WHIMPERING]

No! Not the other anonymous lawyer!

Anyone but him!

Come on! Like you didn't see that coming.

I am so sick of this.

I hate sports more than ever.

Also, my shoes hurt.

My shoes feel great!

Oh, God. Are you still here?

Sure am!

I'm everyone's favorite character,

which means I'm guaranteed to survive the longest.

Okay, guys.

I found a dimly lit, confusing-to-navigate passageway

where we can wait out what will presumably be

the final minutes of our lives in mind-numbing terror.

What do you think?

-Good plan! -Okay.

-Let's go. -Yeah.

Okay, good.

Hey, yo! Yo! Watch the tail, dog meat!

Skroob? What are you doing here?

My creation got away from me.

I only meant to k*ll Lone Starr and you people!

Things got out of hand!

They took my helmet as a souvenir.

Now all I have is this felt helmet!

Can anything be done to stop these beasts?

No. Nothing can.

Unless the doping has made them so dumb

that they can't open the door.

Then we might have a shot.

[GROWLING]

[CHUCKLES] How lame!

-They can't even open a freaking door! -[BOTH LAUGH]

And here we were all this time

dwelling on our evolutionary vulnerabilities.

Guess there's a reason why these guys went extinct.

[BOTH MOCKING]

-Hey, what'd you do? Forget your keys? -You suck!

Hey, maybe you shouldn't make them more mad?

Relax, princess. We're perfectly safe here.

You know, every time you've said that, you've eaten your words.

[SCOFFS] Not this time.

See? They've given up.

You owe me star bucks.

We never had a bet.

So now you're welshing.

Make it star bucks for welshing.

Uh, boss, we have a bit of a problem.

What is it, Barf? I'm busy.

They found another door.

[GROWLING]

-Run! -[SCREAMING]

-What about Jasmine? -Who?

Your niece, sir. She's out there!

Well, technically, she's really not my niece. She's my great-niece.

So I really don't give a sh*t about her.

[STAMMERING] But, sir, those dino-athletes are gonna pulverize her!

Mmm. That's a good point.

Helmet, go rescue her!

[GROWLING]

Psst! We've got to hide.

I'm not hiding anymore!

I'm the most important, lovable character here.

They can't hurt me.

I am not gonna argue. Come on!

[CHUCKLES] Little girl. The joke's on you.

I'm wearing an athletic cup.

[GROANING]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, at least he's wearing a helmet.

HELMET: This one's made of felt.

[SNARLING]

Oh, that poor little girl!

I can't watch!

In fairness, she has been a royal pain in the a*s.

-Why aren't they attacking her? -Yeah. Why aren't they?

[PULSING]

She appears to be hypnotizing them with a talisman of some sort.

You mean, like a crucifix?

-No, silly! It's an asterisk. -An asterisk?

It means their records don't really count.

It's every juiced-up athlete's worst fear.

For example, Harry Bronz achieved home runs...

In one game!

But the asterisk tells you...

He was using steroids and dino-DNA.

-He was juiced! -[WHIMPERS]

Pumped up!

[SCREECHING]

Take this! This! That! And those!

Asterisks for everybody!

Oh! By Jove, it works!

The precocious little girl's a hero!

Oh, is she?

Then riddle me this...

Why didn't she stop these creatures two acts ago?

Oh, zip it, Vespa.

No one wants to hear your logic problems.

Besides, the episode's almost over.

[WHIMPERING]

Cheaters! [BLOWING RASPBERRY]

Super! All that's left is to serve these bad boys their subpoenas

and ship 'em off to testify before Intergalactic Congress.

Well, Skroob, I hope you've learned some kind of lesson here.

Hardly. I'm gonna rebuild A.S.A.P.

Only this time, I'm enhancing supermodels instead.

I'm calling the place "Lots of Plastic Park."

Pretty clever, huh, little Jasmine?

-[BONE CRACKS] -[GROANS]

Shoulda worn a cup.