01x03 - Lord of the Onion Rings

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

[SIZZLING]

[CHOMPING]

Oh, you're late!

I'm starvin'!

And this grass is giving me a stomachache.

VESPA: Hi, Lone Starr.

[CHUCKLES] For the millionth time,

there aren't any more princes in the galaxy.

Just marry me already.

Oh, sweetie, I like you, too,

but rules are rules, and I just won't be happy without a prince.

-[BARF SNIFFING] -Well, don't come crying to me

that you're lonely in years

when you're a shriveled old raisin.

Don't be an idiot. I'm a princess.

-I'll be young and beautiful forever. -Hmm.

[SIGHS] I'd have never thought that you could love and hate at the same time.

BARF: Mine!

What the f...

SKROOB: It's the dawn of a new age.

I can feel it! It wants to come back to its master.

That thing that used to be next to the jalapeno popper?

I thought that was just an onion ring.

"Just an onion ring"? You pea-brained numbskull!

That was The Onion Ring!

I've never heard of any The Onion Ring.

Of course not! Because you're a pea-brained numbskull!

-[GASPS] -The onion ring is my destiny.

My great-grandfather handed it down to my grandfather,

who handed it down to my father.

Then it was probably getting moldy.

You idiot! The onion ring never gets moldy!

It is the ultimate weapon of evil!

My distant ancestor, Skroobraun the terrible,

baked The Onion Ring so he could wield its awesome power.

[FLAMES ROARING]

[GAGGING]

But Lone Starr's father stole it from my father.

['S MUSIC PLAYING]

Mine! Oh!

No!

No!

-[RUMBLING] -Wha...

[SCREAMING]

No!

And it passed out of all knowledge for tens of years,

but now I can smell it calling to me.

Hook me up to that Nase-O-Scope!

[BEEPING]

[DINGS]

Put your hand out.

-[SIZZLING] -Ow!

Hey! It's hot!

Duh! It just came out of the microwave.

[SNIFFING]

What do you smell?

It smells like...

Evil.

I smell the presence of The Onion Ring!

Find it and bring it to me!

[CLATTERING]

This ain't no ordinary onion ring.

I have a feeling there's quite the story behind it.

Ha! What kind of story?

Well, there's only one person cultured enough to know...

-Yogurt. -[THUDDING]

[LASERS ZAPPING]

-Uh-oh! -Spaceballs at :.

Spaceballs at :.

Spaceballs rockin' us around the clock.

Let's get the clock out of here!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hey, maybe we should get those brakes looked at.

Maybe.

Friends,

the spirit of the evil Lord Skroobraun rises again.

Skroob seeks The Onion Ring,

and what's worse, it seeks him.

-Skroob! -I knew it smelled like evil!

Not just any evil.

We're talkin' deep-fried evil.

No man can resist The Onion Ring's sizzling aroma

and golden crispy exterior.

So let's eat The Onion Ring and be done with it forever.

The onion ring cannot be eaten.

It's indigestible.

The heartburn alone would knock the sh*t out of you.

But if Skroob is after it,

we gotta destroy it!

Yes, but the only way to destroy it

is to cast it back into the forge where it was created...

-The Deep Fryer of Lardor. -[SIZZLING]

Lardor? But Skroob's armies!

Oh, no way, Jose!

Impossible! The Deep Fryer of Lardor? I'm not going.

I'll take The Onion Ring to Lardor.

[SIGHS] I can't let you do this alone, buddy.

I'll go with you to Lardor.

There's a good chance I'll die.

[SCOFFS] Oh, fine, I'll go, too.

Then we shall be the Fellowship of The Onion Ring.

But this is a dangerous mission,

so we'll need indecipherable code names.

Barf, your name will be...

Barf Baggins.

Lone Starr, you'll be Lone Starragorn.

And Vespa...

Can I be Her Most Royal Highness, The Incomparably Beautiful?

Oh, please.

You'll be Vesparwen.

[SIGHS]

What about you, Yogurt?

My name will be... Lemme think...

Yogurt.

But your name's already Yogurt.

Good. That way it's a little easier to remember.

[OIL BOILING]

All right, I'll meet up with you soon.

Just remember, The Onion Ring will tempt you all,

but you must, you must resist it.

ALL: We'll do our best.

Oh, please, that oily chunk of trans fat could never tempt me.

Oh, that's right!

Princesses only eat flower petals and hummingbird songs.

-[KISSES] -[SCOFFS]

Okay, farewell.

See you on the road to Lardor!

Ah!

The tower isn't guarded!

Our spies tell us that Lone Starr...

Code name Lone Starragorn

and his cronies have The Onion Ring, sir.

Lone Starragorn?

So, Lone Starrathorn's heir

dares to challenge Skroobraun's heir.

Challenge, who?

Skroobraun's heir.

Wait, hair? Uh... I'm confused.

Is this hairline or family line? What are we talking about here?

We're not talking pubes, we're not talking bald!

We're not... We're talking lineage here, idiot! Lineage!

Right, got it. Thanks for the clarification.

Anyhow... [CLEARS THROAT]

They've fled to Yogurt.

Yogurt? Ha!

That old coot is past his expiration date.

I'll be rid of those pesky good-doers once and for all

when I regain The Onion Ring.

[GASPS] Yogurt!

How did you get in here?

The tower isn't guarded.

The tower isn't guarded?

Nope, the tower isn't guarded. Isn't guarded.

What? Major Bleephole!

Yes, sir?

Did you know our tower isn't guarded?

Yes, sir. I know our tower isn't guarded.

Well, why is it not guarded?

It's not not guarded.

So it is guarded?

No, isn't guarded.

[SPUTTERS] What?

Dark Helamon,

you once belonged to the good side.

Come back.

Never!

And unless you want to see the other side of the rainbow,

I suggest you come to the dark side.

You know what I mean!

The dark Lord Skroobraun does not share power!

If he regains The Onion Ring, you too will become his sl*ve.

Oh, baloney! I'm his right-hand man.

I get to open all of his mail and taste all of his food before he eats it.

So you have chosen, Dark Helamon.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

I told you you didn't know where you were going.

[SLURRING] What do you mean?

The Deep Fryer of Lardor is right there.

Onion... Ring.

No... Barf... Don't.

What? What happened?

You just slammed your winnebago into my summer house.

My accountant will be sending you the bill.

Dot, is that you?

Shh! [WHISPERING] No, no, no!

Call me by my code name.

I am Galadriat Matrix.

Queen of the realm, lady of the land,

highness of the hills, countess of the country,

sheik of the shire!

Oh, wow! It's got such a nice ring to it.

I like it.

The ring!

We gotta take it to Lardor.

Oh, yeah, Lardor, sure.

Good luck to you guys, and while you're at it,

why don't you just find me a man who could do laundry once in a while?

Ooh, that's a zinger.

That's a zinger.

Where's Yogurt? He was supposed to meet us.

This has failure written all over it.

Hey, you all can spend the night here.

[OWL HOOTING]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

What?

Listen... [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

What are you saying?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Stop talking with your mouth full.

-[SPEAKS GIBBERISH] -[FROG CROAKS]

The Fellowship is absolutely growing weary, Barf Baggins.

The power of The Onion Ring is taking hold.

I know. What'll happen if we fail?

Yes, Barf Baggins, look into the inky Black Mirror of Doom!

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[GRUNTING] Oh!

[GRUNTING] Ow!

What kind of sicko

would exploit my addiction to onion rings?

I need a commercial break!

[CLEARS THROAT] Uh, the Fellowship has escaped with the ring.

So find them and k*ll them, you half-wit!

So, just one question...

When we get The Onion Ring back...

When I get The Onion Ring back!

Okay, when you get The Onion Ring back,

I'll still be number two, right?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Now go make me a dark army.

Brown-nose.

Rise and shine, everybody!

Bing-bang-bong, everybody out!

What time is it?

Time to get that onion ring outta here, that's the time.

-But, Dot... -Uh-uh.

Galadriat Matrix,

and no "buts" about it.

Oh, that stinking ring is making my roses wilt,

and there is no way I want Skroob here looking for it.

BARF: What? VESPA: All right, already.

-God! -BARF: Before we eat?

-[ALL COMPLAINING] -Come on, now, come on.

VESPA: No cappuccino or latte?

BARF: Could we stop someplace for donuts?

Have fun stormin' the fryer!

Whoo! Another good one!

I gotta write that one down before Mel Brooks steals it.

[GROWLING]

What the hell is this?

Your dark army, sir.

Dark army? They look more like a...

"Dork army." Oh, crap!

Well, I... I'm sure they're fierce.

[SNEEZES LOUDLY]

Sorry. My tight helmet makes me sneeze.

[SNORTS] Me too.

[SNEEZES LOUDLY]

My nose is all stuffed up.

Ugh.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

The Hot Lard Swamps.

Careful.

Oh!

This is where I wanna end up when I die.

There's no time for dying now.

We've gotta break into an enormous , degree deep fryer!

Uh... I can't go through a hot lard swamp.

I'll smell like a French fry.

Mmm! French fries.

Don't just stand there. Carry me.

[GRUNTS]

The fat fry fog.

-What? -The fat fry fog.

Can you say that again, three times in a row? As fast as ya can!

The fat fry fog, the fat fry fog, the frat... That's hard.

But just don't breathe it in.

There's nothing else to breathe in,

and it's making my hair go curly.

[INHALES] Mmm!

Curly fries.

LONE STARR: [WEAKLY] Must hold on.

[WEAKLY] Must hold on...

Must... Must...

Mustard, ketchup, onion rings!

Barf Baggins, I know the burden you bear.

Let me ease it.

Let me carry The Onion Ring for a little while...

In my mouth.

No!

Barf, what are you afraid of?

It's me, your old buddy, Lone Starr.

You're salivating!

I'm just a little hungry, that's all.

No! You want The Onion Ring for yourself!

Come on, Barf. Don't be ridiculous!

Hey, what are you doing?

-Gimme... -What are you doing?

No, you don't!

[HOWLS]

Barf Baggins, get a hold of yourself.

It was Lone Starragorn!

He tried to take The Onion Ring from me!

Lone Starragorn, get a hold of yourself!

I am the leader here.

I should be the one to wear the ring.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the girl here

and if there's any jewelry to be worn,

I should be the one to wear it.

-BARF: Hey, wait a second. -What are you doing?

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Hey, break it up!

I leave you alone with the most evil weapon in the universe for a day,

and you all go bananas.

-[DORKS MUMBLING] -LONE STARR: Uh-oh!

Dork attack!

Let's get 'em!

Yeah!

-Who? -My head hurts.

Mine too.

Run! Run, Barf!

Keep The Onion Ring secret! Keep it safe!

Must destroy Onion Ring!

No!

Master must bite into Onion Rings.

No, bad Barfum!

My delicious! My delicious!

Fatty Barf Baggins wants to destroy my delicious!

It burnses!

It burnses!

[SLURPS]

I must be close. I can taste Lardor.

Look, The Deep Fryer of Lardor.

We've gotta distract Skroob

so Barf Baggins can destroy the ring.

Hey, Skroob. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Over here!

[HICCUPS]

We're outnumbered.

The only way to fend off these dorks

is to hurt their feelings.

-Hey, four-eyes! -[HICCUPS]

Can I borrow your coke bottles?

[SOBBING]

-Ha-ha! -Good thinking, Lone Starr.

Hey, shrimp! Does your mommy still dress you?

[SOBBING]

Ooh! Let me try.

Hey, dweeb! I bet you never even kissed a girl.

[MOANING]

[SCOFFING]

My delicious!

Ah, drop it, Barf Baggins.

What are you waiting for?

Destroy The Onion Ring forever!

No! The Onion Rings is mines!

[GRUNTING]

Oh!

[SIZZLING]

[HOWLS]

[HOWLING]

[EXPLODING]

[CHEERING]

-No! -No!

So what do ya get, two miles to the gallon?

What a rip-off.

[STRAINING]

I know a Schwartz-cut! That's a bad one.

Oof! No more onion rings of any kind for you.

Yogurt?

-Barf! -Whoo-hoo!

Barf!

Yay!

Barf!

Ow! You broke my legs!

And now,

Prince Lone Starragorn.

VESPA: Wait!

You are a prince?

Why didn't you tell me?

This is the best thing ever!

You've fulfilled your destiny.

I crown you...

King.

Somehow, Vespa,

I can still stand you.

And now, finally,

I can take you as my queen.

Wait. What did you say?

"I can take you as my queen."

Queen? Oh!

Gross!

What... What do you mean, gross?

You said you had to marry a king.

No. I said I had to marry a prince.

What's the difference?

What's the difference?

When was the last time you saw a queen

that was young and beautiful?

Wha... What are you talking about?

How dare you try to turn me into a wrinkly old queen, you filthy pig!

I'm gonna be a princess forever.

That's for sure.