01x12 - Druidian Idol

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

I highly recommend you pay me protection money, Lone Starr.

Protection? Protection from who?

Protection from me.

I don't need protection from you.

Oh, yes, you do.

When I get angry, I break heads,

and when people don't cooperate with my extortion...

-You get angry? -No.

When people don't cooperate with my extortion, I get depressed.

I see. And when you get depressed, you get angry.

No. When I get depressed, I get hungry.

And when you get hungry, you get angry.

Shut it, Dr. Phil. Would you?

When I get hungry, I start eating.

And when I start eating, I get fat,

and when I get fat...

Then you get angry.

No. Then my doctor gets angry,

because he's already told me , times my cholesterol's too high,

and when my doctor gets angry, that's when I get angry.

I don't like disappointing him,

so just pay me a million starbucks.

A million starbucks? But I'm broke!

Then you better find a way to come up with the money,

or you're really gonna be broke.

We're talking bones here!

Gee, boss, where are we gonna come up with a million starbucks?

[man on monitor] Do you need to come up with a million starbucks?

Compete today for a million starbucks

in everybody's favorite singing competition,

Druidian Idol!

Remember, it's for a million starbucks!

That's where.

Yeah, but you don't know how to sing, you know?

No, but Vespa does.

Ooh, look! Matching his and hers space jets.

Think of how cute you and Lone Starr

would look in those space jets.

Every girl will just want to be you.

Oh, I want them, I want them. I have to have them, I...

Oh... A million starbucks?

I can't afford that.

I should never have bought all that rare moon concrete.

Vespa...

Hi, Lone Starr.

Hi, Vespa sweetheart. My beautiful, loving, multi-talented Vespa.

All right, cut the crap. What do you want?

Okay, you know Druidian Idol?

You mean everyone's favorite singing competition? Hmm.

Yeah, that's the one.

I need you to win Druidian Idol today and give me the money

so I can buy off Vinnie and his g*ons.

Wait a minute.

You want her to win the money to pay for your problem?

Uh, in a word, yes, I do.

That's three words.

Okay, well, don't quibble.

I need the million starbucks.

A million starbucks? Today?

That's perfect!

Great! So you'll do it?

Yeah, no, not for you, you manipulative pig.

For me.

[beeping]

Hi, this is Princess Vespa.

I'd like to place an order for item .

Yes, the matching space jets.

But forget the "his." Give me two "hers" instead.

Wait a second.

Druidian Idol is a wholly owned subsidiary

of royal Druidian entertainment and sewage processing,

which your father, as king, is head of.

That means you're not eligible for the competition.

Don't worry.

I've got a plan.

[scoffs] I am not a manipulative pig.

Am I?

Magic Ball, am I a manipulative pig?

All right, fine. Two out of three.

[toilet flushing]

♪ Figaro, Figaro, Figaro ♪

-[howls] -Huh?

Barf! Barf!

Why didn't you tell me you could sing so well?

You can win this competition. It's a lead-pipe cinch.

Yeah, except Druidian Idol doesn't allow mawgs to compete.

[laughs] Don't worry. I've got a plan.

[sniffs] Oh! Barf.

Guess what today is?

-Tuesday? -No.

-Saturday? -No.

February.

No, you idiot.

Today, auditions begin for Druidian Idol.

That stupid show?

I've watched every episode of every season,

and I've never found it entertaining.

Druidian Idol?

[all] We love that show!

[clears throat] I mean, I love that show!

Finally, we'll be able to k*ll Lone Starr and his g*ng.

Wait,

I thought Druidian Idol was everyone's favorite singing competition.

That's the one.

So, where does the k*lling part come in?

Princess Vespa is so vain,

she won't be able to not enter the competition,

and every time she gets into trouble,

Lone Starr and Barf try to rescue her.

And every time they try to rescue her,

Yogurt has come to rescue them all.

And every time they get away.

Not this time. This time, we'll get

the Druidians to do our dirty work.

How?

Don't worry.

[dramatic music playing]

I've got a plan.

[clears throat] All right, here's my plan.

I sneak onto the Druidian Idol judging panel.

Meanwhile, you rig this brain-zapper up to the switchboard.

When the audience phones in to vote for their favorite singer,

the brain-zapper will zap their brains

and turn them into mindless K*llers.

That little gizmo can do that?

You bet. And "k*ll" isn't the only setting.

Watch.

Oh, Marlene, Darlene and Charlene,

I can't seem to find my cell phone.

Could you three call me on it right now?

[all dialing]

-[ringing] -[all gasp]

Skroob!

Oh! Skroob, Skroob, Skroob, Skroob, Skroob!

Ah, Skroob.

Now skedaddle, Helmet.

Hell really hath no fury like three women scorned.

[Vespa] I have to figure out what I should sing for my audition.

I could sing...

I gotta come up with a song. Something like...

Ooh, how about the Druidian national anthem?

Yeah, I could sing that.

Wait, is that the one about the buffalo roaming free?

Uh, no.

How about the theme song to your favorite TV show?

The opening to Rich Girls Who Hate Each Other doesn't have words, Dot.

Ah. Big surprise.

I need something big, something bold.

Something royal, something regal.

-Hmm. -Hmm.

Oh! Sing a cheesy love song about Lone Starr.

The audience will eat it up.

After how Lone Starr tried to use me?

Please. I am not in love with him right now.

So fake it. You are a woman. Come on.

[laughing] You know what I mean.

I've got it. Sing a love song. The audience will eat that up.

Uh, yeah, I don't know any love songs.

So make one up.

Just remember to make it cheesy.

Mmm... Cheesy.

[upbeat music playing]

[Vespa] Good bye, Princess Vespa...

Hello, Vespasia!

Goodbye, Barf.

Hello, Kelly Barfson!

Just plan to remember, there is nothing wrong with cheating.

Makeup assistant.

[woman] Oh, perfect.

My eyelashes seem to be...

[crashing]

[throwing punches]

[woman] What are you...

Wardrobe coordinator.

[man] Great. My pants need to be...

[crashing]

[groaning] Ow!

Ooh.

-Knock, knock. -[man] Who's there?

The guy who's gonna beat you up and steal your outfit.

[man] Who?

[crashing]

[chuckling]

[grunts]

[clanging]

[grunting]

Ow!

Welcome to Druidian Idol!

[cheering and applause]

And what are you going to sing for us today?

"I'm Gonna Keep my Zebra."

Okay. Let 'er rip.

♪ When your love is a prison ♪

♪ You wear everywhere you go ♪

♪ You're a zebra of love ♪

♪ When you're Sort of a horse ♪

[crowd booing]

-♪ But you're also Sort of not ♪ - [groans]

♪ A zebra of love ♪

That was enough.

You know, you've got a very unique voice.

You should be in silent films.

Uh, I think my ear is bleeding.

What misguided being told you you had any singing ability whatsoever?

My zebra, sir.

Your zebra's an as*h*le.

Now, as punishment for your awful singing,

you will be tickled by fiery dragon breath.

[screaming]

[crowd cheering]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, VIP coming through. Yeah, "Very Important Princess."

Excuse me, move. Make way.

I hope you're better than the dregs we've had to listen to so far.

I'm, like, totally the best.

You better be.

I feel like I've been at the dog pound all day long.

And what will you be singing for your audition?

"Dandy Dandelion."

I get the "dandy" part.

♪ Dandy, dandy Dandy, dandy, dandelion ♪

♪ You've got to go ♪

-♪ When I start to blow ♪ -[crowd booing]

♪ Dandy, dandy, dandy Dandy, dandelion ♪

[sneezing]

-I had more. -[sneezes]

Oh, boy, I have got to get that sound out of my head.

Does anyone have nails and a chalkboard?

I think I'm allergic to something.

Yeah, all this talentlessness.

Cast him into the not-so-bottomless pit.

[screams]

-[cheering and applause] -[crashing]

[mumbles]

[Vespa] Move it or lose it, sister.

Out of my way, buster.

Ladies...

I mean, ladies first.

Hey, you look familiar.

No, I...

I'm just like every other girl around here.

But with a good-looking tail, is all.

Oh, I hate lasers.

Well, we have two final contestants

and only one more spot in the next round.

First up, Vespasia.

Finally, someone who looks like she's got some real talent.

Yeah, just who we're looking for.

Go ahead, Vespasia.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ There's a star In outer space ♪

♪ But it's not A flaming gas ball ♪

♪ How I long to see his face ♪

♪ But I'd settle for His astronaut's embrace ♪

♪ My love is so true ♪

♪ As true as Two plus two is two ♪

♪ I rather cook Inside a reactor core ♪

♪ Than see him with Some other horrible girl ♪

♪ Lone Starr ♪

♪ Be my own star ♪

♪ Throw me a bone ♪

♪ Lone Starr ♪

♪ There's A Starr inside my heart ♪

♪ And it's useless To impugn it ♪

♪ It's been burning From the start ♪

♪ And I'm bound to Blow his universe apart ♪

♪ My love is so strong ♪

♪ I got a hack To write this song ♪

♪ I'd rather catch A Martian fungal itch ♪

♪ Than see him With some other big lady ♪

♪ Lone Starr ♪

♪ Be my own star ♪

♪ Throw me a bone ♪

♪ Lone Starr ♪

-[crowd cheering] -Absolutely amazing!

Give her the last spot in the next round and let's get out of here.

Are you nuts? She doesn't deserve a spot in the next round.

I have heard jackhammers that were more melodic than her.

To settle who gets the last spot on the next round

we have to bring in our final contestant.

Kelly Barfson.

Now if you want real talent, look no further.

Yeah, get ready to be knocked dead.

Bring it on, Kelly Barfson.

[soft music playing]

♪ Is there a dream a lover Hardly dares to dream? ♪

♪ Is there a love That shines so bright ♪

♪ It can't be seen? ♪

♪ Is there a vision Sweeter than the rest? ♪

♪ A miracle of tenderness ♪

♪ I spent my whole life looking But I finally found it ♪

♪ Chicken-fried bacon With a hoagie around it ♪

♪ Love to eat, eat to love ♪

♪ Way too much is not enough ♪

♪ Heartache to Heartburn with you ♪

♪ Eat to love, love to eat ♪

♪ Hand in hand, fork in meat ♪

♪ Heartache to Heartburn with you ♪

♪ It's against the law To marry food ♪

♪ They say, "Find A love that isn't chewed" ♪

♪ Well, I'm sorry, Betty Sue ♪

♪ I'm gonna Stick with my brisket ♪

♪ Hey, Randy Jackson ♪

♪ Are you done With that biscuit? ♪

Key change!

♪ Love to eat, eat to love ♪

♪ Way too much is not enough ♪

♪ Heartache to Heartburn with you ♪

♪ Eat to love, love to eat ♪

Everybody!

♪ Hand in hand, fork in meat ♪

That's right!

♪ Heartache to Heartburn with you ♪

Thank you very much.

Yes! Brilliant!

The last spot in the next round has your name all over it.

[Dot] What are you, deaf?

He sounds like a weasel caught in a blender.

No way he advances to the next round. Uh-uh.

There's only one way to solve this stalemate.

You, the viewers at home,

have to vote for who you want to advance.

Just call ---.

Ready, set, vote.

[beeping]

-You call that good singing? -You're out of your mind, lady!

I don't know whose a*s you kissed to get on this show,

-but I'm not taking it! -[indistinct shouting]

[mechanical whining]

Uh-oh.

[screaming]

-Druidian Idol, my foot! -News check, sister.

You wouldn't know good singing...

Against a tone-deaf raccoon!

-[gasps] Barf! -Vespa!

Lone Starr!

Dot Matrix?

[people screaming]

[all] k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

Now that's music to my ears.

[laughs]

Skroob!

Yes. When only first-rate villainy will do.

Lone Starr! Save me!

Help!

[all] k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

Help!

Yogurt. I need your help.

Right now? I'm in the middle of something.

[Bingo caller] N-.

We're in the middle of the end of planet Druidia!

Well, the middle of the end, that's better than the end of the end.

[all gasp]

Listen, Skroob hijacked Druidian Idol

and turned the whole planet into zombie-like K*llers.

Druidian Idol?

I've been working on my act for Druidian Idol for a month.

Well, in a minute, there's not gonna be a Druidian Idol,

or even a planet Druidia, unless you help us.

Besides, you don't even know how to sing.

Sing, shming.

There's nothing I can't do without the Schwartz.

[Bingo caller] I-.

Are you playing bingo right now?

Bingo!

Oh, crap. Not anymore.

Hold your horses. I'll be there in a flash.

Yogurt!

How can you think of food at a time like this, you pig?

No, no, Yogurt!

That was fast.

What's the matter with you?

Don't you believe me when I say

"in a flash"? A flash is a flash.

The zombies, they're everywhere. There's nowhere to hide.

I got it.

We'll just have to zap their brains back to normal.

But how? Where are we gonna get that kind of power?

It would take some serious kilowatt-age,

or megawatt-age, or even giga...

[thunderclap]

. gigawatts! It's our only chance.

We must get the zombies to the roof underneath the cell tower.

But I can't control lightning.

Sure you can.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Use the Schwartz.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll.

It's over, Lone Starr, and this time, there's no escape.

We're gonna make you so dead.

Come on, cloud. Come on, cloud.

Lone Starr, do something. I am too pretty to die.

I hate to say it, Dot Matrix, but I think this might be the end for us.

Oh, great.

The last thing I smell in this life will be your mawg breath.

[thunder rumbling]

Come on, Schwartz, don't fail me now.

[Skroob] Finally!

[laughs]

For every time you foiled my plans

to rule the universe, I get my revenge.

Sweet, sweet revenge.

Mmm. Tastes like chocolate.

Goodbye forever, Lone Stupid.

So close.

Just a little more...

[thunderclap]

It worked! It worked!

What? No! This can't be!

Hey, that's Skroob and Dark Helmet.

Let's get them!

Uh-oh. They're gonna make us so dead.

[clamoring]

Way to go, boss!

Three cheers for Lone Starr!

Thanks, Lone Starr.

Now if only those stupid zombies hadn't shown up,

I would've won the competition.

You? Win Druidian Idol?

Please, you didn't stand a chance against me.

Oh, please, you?

A better singer than me? Get real.

I'm as real as it gets, sister.

Anyone for karaoke?

♪ Heartache to Heartburn with you ♪

♪ Eat to love, love to eat ♪

Everybody!

♪ Hand in hand, fork in meat ♪

That's right.

♪ Heartache to Heartburn with you ♪

Thank you very much.

[theme music playing]