01x14 - The Avenge Of The Dark Helmet

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

[Yogurt] They're here.

[exploding]

[cat yowls]

We're nearing planet Druidia, sir.

Excellent. Have you notified Lord Helmet?

Yes, Colonel Sandurz.

[man ] Make way for Dark Helmet.

[man ] Make way for Dark Helmet.

[all] Make way for Dark Helmet.

[clanging]

[mechanical breathing]

[coughing]

I can't breathe in this damn thing!

We're nearing planet Druidia, sir.

Have you called Spaceball City and informed President Skroob?

Yes, Lord Helmet.

And Druidia in now visible on the teledar screen.

Ah, there it is, Druidia, and inside its air shield,

, years of fresh air that we must take away from them!

[coughing]

Or else everyone on Planet Moron is going to die!

Don't worry, sir. Once we kidnap the princess,

we can force her to give us the secret combination to their air shield.

Everyone got that? Good!

[clanging]

Hmm?

When is the princess to be married?

Within minutes, sir.

Good.

I hope it is a long ceremony 'cause it's gonna have a short honeymoon.

[laughs]

[organ playing]

Are you ready, Vespa?

Yes, Daddy, I suppose so.

But must I marry Prince Valium?

I'm sorry, my dear, but you must.

Daddy, I don't love him.

I'm sorry, Vespa, but you have to marry a prince

and he's the last one left in the galaxy. It's him or nobody.

Uh...

[yawning]

[all gasp]

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join...

[King Roland] Stop her! Somebody stop her!

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

You're going on your honeymoon, didn't you forget somebody?

-Come back! -Wait!

[rock music playing]

[phone ringing]

Barf!

Barf!

Yeah, boss, what do you want?

Barf, answer that.

Okay, I'll put it on picture.

Hello, Lone Starr.

Hello, Vinny. What do you want?

It's not what I want. It's what he wants.

Me.

-Uh-oh! Pizza the Hut! -Uh-oh! Pizza the Hut!

And he's real. Not any of that frozen caca.

Well, if it isn't Lone Starr and his sidekick, Puke!

That's Barf.

"Barf," "Puke," whatever.

Pizza, it's good to see you. You're looking very... cheesy.

Uh, tasty.

And don't worry, you'll have that , I owe you by next Thursday.

Yeah, cross my heart, he hopes to die.

A hundred thousand? Uh-uh.

When you borrow from the Hut, you gotta add interest and late charges.

Now you owe me one million starbucks.

A million starbucks? Is that coffee or money?

Money, money, money! And you'll pay up or else...

Or else, what?

Or else Pizza's gonna send out for you.

[laughs]

You're good. You're delicious.

You should have tasted my Father!

The princess has just passed through the air shield.

Notify President Skroob.

Yes, sir!

Don't be ridiculous.

Planet Moron has absolutely no air shortage whatsoever! Goodbye!

[sniffs]

President Skroob, this is Central Control.

Spaceball Commanderette Zircon speaking.

What is it?

We've just been notified that the princess is in sight

and Spaceball One is closing in on her.

Good.

We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.

Yeah, okay. I'll be right there.

Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?

I don't know about this beaming stuff. Is it safe?

Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night.

It was wonderful.

Hmm.

Okay, I'll try it.

Beam him down, Snotty!

Yes, sir. Immediately, sir!

And thanks for last night.

All right, do it, do it!

[mechanical whirring]

[Snotty] Uh-oh!

What happened to his head?

It's on backwards!

I'm sorry, sir. We must have had a micro-converter malfunction.

Well, do something! This is terrible!

Why didn't anybody ever tell me my a*s was so big?

[crew laughing]

Hold still, sir. We're going to reverse the beam.

Are you all right, Mr. President?

I'm fine, fine. No thanks to you.

We'll beam you back, sir.

Forget it!

Enough with the beaming, I'm gonna walk.

[all] Hail Skroob!

Hello, Marlene.

I'm Charlene.

Hello, Darlene.

I'm Marlene. [laughs]

I gotta get your names right.

Come to my private quarters tonight at midnight

and we'll see if we can get you straight.

[all] Yes, President Skroob. We'll be there.

[all giggling]

Of course, of course, of course, you'll be there,

but remember, there's heavy security getting into my quarters.

You'll each need to go through a full body strip.

-Oh! -[all giggle]

Don't you worry. I'll do it myself.

Where's the princess?

Right there, sir,

approaching Spaceball One at , light leagues per minute.

Good. Tell Dark Helmet that he must take her alive.

Do you realize what you have done?

You have eloped without a groom!

Yes, and I'm glad, glad, glad, glad!

Well, you're wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

Princess Vespa's spaceship is within firing range, sir.

Excellent. Fire a warning shot across her nose!

[lasers firing]

What is going on?

I'll see.

What is it?

[Dot] Oh, nothing. Just the biggest damn spaceship in the universe.

And it hates us.

I don't have to put up with this, I'm rich!

Careful, you fool!

I said, "across her nose," not "up it!"

I'm sorry, sir, I'm doing my best!

Keep firing.

And hurry, Daddy, hurry! I'm scared!

Lone Starr, you've got to help me.

My daughter is being attacked by Spaceballs!

Spaceballs? Uh-uh. Too dangerous.

But I'll pay you anything. Do you hear me? Anything!

Anything? Okay, how about a million starbucks?

A million? I said anything, not a million!

But, all right, I'll pay it. Only, save her.

Okay, King, you got a deal.

One princess for one million starbucks?

Now we'll be able to pay back Pizza the Hut.

[vocalizing]

[howling]

There's our princess.

Oh, no, Spaceballs One!

Their radar is sure to pick us up.

Not if we jam it.

Good idea.

Radar about to be jammed!

[glass shattering]

[beeping]

Lord Helmet, the radar, sir, it's been jammed!

Jammed?

Raspberry. There's only one man

who would dare give me the raspberry.

Lone Starr!

[groaning]

[gasps] What was that?

-Never mind that. -[banging]

What was that?

-Hi! -[both scream]

-Who are you? -Barf.

Not in here you don't.

No, that's my name. Barf.

Barf? What are you?

I'm a mawg. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.

Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save you.

Come on, hop on the ladder!

Good. Quick. Hurry, darling. Follow the dog!

Not dog, mawg. I'm a mawg!

All right, but wait, my matched luggage.

Matched luggage? There's no time for matched luggage!

I'm a princess. I don't go anywhere without my matched luggage.

[Dot] Hey, stop looking up my can!

Uh, sorry.

Checking in? What the hell is all that?

[groans softly] It's her Royal Highness' matched luggage.

Matched luggage?

What does she think this is, a princess cruise?

Now hear this,

the minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is

dump the matched luggage.

Now you hear this. You will not touch my luggage!

Listen, sweetheart, on this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em.

"Sweetheart"? How dare you!

You will address me as "Your Royal Highness."

I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids!

Oh, no, that's all I needed, a Druish princess.

Funny. She doesn't look Druish.

Okay, set a course for Druidia.

Setting a course for Druidia!

-[clanging and powering down] -What's that?

Uh-oh. We're out of gas.

I told you we should've put in more than , starbucks.

We'll have to set her down. Prepare for emergency landing.

Keep your seatbelts fastened back there.

You okay, Princess?

No, you idiot! Where did you learn how to fly?

Eagle coming in.

The eagle has landed.

Where are you going?

I'm going to tell him off.

Wait a minute, he's got a sexy voice. He could be cute.

Cute? He's bound to be a fat, ugly, beer-swilling pig!

Calling me an idiot! I'm going back there and...

Hold it, wait till you see what she looks like. She's--

Forget it. If you've seen one princess, you've seen 'em all.

Bucktoothed, horse-faced space dogs.

Now, listen you...

[romantic music playing]

Now hear this.

From now on, you're to refer to me

as "You idiot," not "You Captain!"

I mean... You know what I mean.

Yeah, and you will address me as "Your Royal Highness."

You are a royal pain in the--

Hold it! Time out!

Any minute now, the Spaceballs are gonna find out where we are,

come here, and make us all dead.

He's right. Let's go.

Wait. My things.

[chuckles]

Now listen, Your Royal Highness,

take only what you need to survive.

[barks]

Radar un-jammed, Lord Helmet.

It's about damn time!

Lone Starr has obviously got the princess with him!

Any sign of that Winnebago?

Yes, sir. He's landed it on the Desert Moon of Vega.

Good work!

Set a course for the Desert Moon of Vega!

[exhales]

[muttering]

Must go on.

Must go on!

Who am I kidding?

[vocalizing "The River Kwai March"]

[speaking alien language]

[gulping]

Thanks. Thanks, little guy.

[speaking alien language]

Ah. At last, room service. Thank you. Thank you.

[speaking alien language]

[slurping]

Oh, thank you. There is nothing like dried oil when you're really thirsty.

Thanks, but did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

[speaking alien language]

Where are we?

What is this place?

Now what's gonna happen?

Don't ask and maybe it won't.

Woof! Woof! Woof!

Silence!

Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence

of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt!

[all] Yogurt!

You've heard of me?

Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of Yogurt?

Yogurt the wise.

Yogurt the all-powerful!

Yogurt the magnificent!

Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.

Though I am the keeper of a powerful magic

known throughout the universe as...

The Force?

No, the Schwartz!

[all] The Schwartz!

Yes. May the Schwartz be with you.

[Skroob] Let's go, girls. Three is my lucky number!

[all giggle]

You got it, Skrooby-Doobie.

President Skroob.

[stammers] What? What Is it?

Can't you see I'm conducting some very important affairs of state here?

Yes, Mr. President, the affairs look very important,

but I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet.

They're searching for the princess on the Moon of Vega.

Moon of Vega? Good, good!

Tell them they must find her or I'll have them all shot!

Okay, sonny boy, if you're gonna be

going up against the Spaceballs,

it's time I get you back to your Schwartz training!

Okay, but I still don't see how I can lift

that big statue with this little ring.

Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

[low rumbling]

[Yogurt] Good. Look.

Look, Lone Starr, you're doing it, you're doing it!

I can't believe it.

The Schwartz, it actually works!

I don't usually wear jewelry, but this is one hell of a fantastic ring!

[whimpering]

It's no use, sir. We've searched everywhere.

Wait, I feel the presence of the Schwartz!

The Schwartz?

It's coming from somewhere in there.

You're right, sir.

There's a secret entrance here. And look at this insignia!

Yogurt. I hate yogurt even with fruit at the bottom. Blech.

I'll call the attack squad, sir.

No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz.

It's too powerful!

But your ring, don't you have the Schwartz, too?

Yes, but he's got the upside. I got the downside.

Then how are we going to get in there to capture the princess?

We will not go in there for the princess, she will come out to us!

And once she is in our evil clutches,

she'll be tortured until she reveals to us

the combination to Planet Druid's air shield!

And then we'll let her go?

Are you crazy? Then we'll lock her away

in the deepest dungeon for the rest of her life!

[laughs]

And that will be the end

of the lovely Princess Vespa, forever!

[dramatic music playing]

[theme music playing]