01x15 - The Schwartz Strikes Back

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

[Yogurt] They're here.

[Vespa moans softly]

[male voice] Vespa, my child, where are you?

[gasps] Daddy?

Vespa, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me.

[gasps] Daddy, I hear you, I hear you. Where are you?

Follow my voice. Come to me, come to me.

-[Vespa] Daddy? Daddy? -[Dot beeping]

[Vespa] Daddy, I hear you, I hear you!

Daddy, is it really you?

Would I lie to you? Come to me, Vespa.

No, Vespa, no! He's not your--

Fooled you. [cackling]

-[sighs wearily] -[Dark Helmet] Careful!

Careful, careful, careful, careful, careful.

-[Vespa groans] -[straining]

[grunts]

Take them aboard.

-[clamoring] -[Yogurt] Silence!

Look! Spaceballs!

[wind whooshing]

Yeah, they got the princess, but we're gonna get her back.

-Thanks for the gas, Yogurt. -You're welcome.

So we're on our way.

Goodbye. Good luck, Lone Starr.

Goodbye, Yogurt.

Yogurt, the ring of the Schwartz,

it's on my finger.

Take it, take it. You might need it.

If you're not in a mortal combat with Dark Helmet,

it's also handy for snapping off a few bottle caps.

Wow. Cool!

[all groaning]

Leave me alone, I'm a princess! No!

No, no, no, stop it!

[sobbing]

I'd like you to meet Dr. Philip Slotkin,

the greatest nose job man in the known universe!

He is about to operate on you.

But why?

I've already had a nose job. It was my sweet present.

No, it's not what you think, it's a lot worse.

If you don't tell us the combination

to Druidia's air shield...

[dramatic music playing]

...Dr. Slotkin is going to give you back your old nose!

No!

Yes!

All right, I'll tell, I'll tell!

The combination is

-...

-...

.

----?

That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of!

That's the kind of thing some idiot would have on his luggage!

Slotkin, we're done with you. You may go.

Mmm...

Oh, I bet she gives great helmet.

It worked, Mr. President! We have the combination!

Great. Now we can take every last breath of air from planet Druidia.

What's the combination?

----.

----? What a coincidence!

I've got the same combination on my luggage!

[sighs]

There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead!

Good, I'm taking her down.

[playing blues tune]

[Dot banging rhythmically]

What do you want?

-It's me! -[gasps]

-Lone Starr! -And me!

How did you get here?

It's a long story, but it's gonna have a happy ending.

Let's go. Eagle is parked right outside.

[soldier] Come on, everybody, down there!

We're trapped!

-What'll we do? -Watch this.

Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya!

What are you doing?

[soldiers grunting]

[yells out]

-Good work. -[both howling]

[Lone Starr] Almost home, baby.

Hurry! Get aboard and start the engines.

We'll hold them off!

We can't! The door is jammed.

Here, you hold them off.

Barf and I will try to un-jam the door.

I'm not sh**ting this thing, I hate g*ns!

[gasps]

My hair! He shot my hair!

You no good son of a b*tch!

[men grunting]

Holy bleep!

-How was that? -Not bad.

-You're not bad for a girl. -Let's blow this joint.

[blows]

[chattering]

[Skroob] At last, Planet Druidia!

Ten thousand years of fresh air!

Prepare ship for metamorphosis.

Look, it's Spaceball One. They've reached the air shield.

And I gave them the combination!

Yeah, but luckily their ship is too big.

They'll never get through!

Yeah, how are they gonna get the air out?

I don't see any hoses or anything.

[chattering]

[Vespa] What's happening?

Spaceball One, it's...

It's changing.

[Barf] Oh, my gosh, it's...

[Dot] Changing into...

[Barf] A gigantic robot...

[Vespa] Cleaning lady...

[Lone Starr] With a gigantic robot vacuum cleaner!

Metamorphosis completed.

Spaceballs One is now Mega Maid!

Commence Operation Vacu-Suck.

[air whooshing]

[screams]

[cars honking]

[creatures screaming]

[all] Suck, suck, suck!

Suck, suck, suck, suck!

[air whooshing]

Goodbye, my darling daughter.

The air bag, it's almost full.

What do we do?

We gotta act fast.

Step one, we reverse that vacuum

and send the air back to Planet Druidia.

Step two, we blow up that thing.

-But isn't that dangerous? -Extremely.

Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it.

How about with that ring that Yogurt gave you?

-Worth a shot. -Yeah, maybe.

Here goes nothing.

Wow, look at that!

The Schwartz, it's working!

[Vespa] Come on, Schwartz.

[creatures screaming]

[cars honking]

You did it! [kisses]

We did it!

Sandurz, what's going on?

Uh, it's mega-maid. She's gone from suck to blow!

What? They're getting all their air back!

Do something! Do something!

[screams]

[gasping]

I... I'm breathing air! Air!

[grunts]

Here we go.

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Of course not.

[Lone Starr] Dim the lights and activate infrared viewer.

[Barf] Dimming, activating!

-And pray to God. -Praying to God!

-What are you doing? -Scanning.

There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism

somewhere in the central brain area.

[rapid beeping]

Bingo! There it is, right below us!

Put her on hover, Barf. I'm going down there.

He's going down there.

I wouldn't.

[grunts]

[alarm sounding]

[soldiers grunting]

-[beeps] -[door slides open]

[Dark Helmet] Not so fast, Lone Starr!

[Lone Starr] Dark Helmet.

So, Lone Starr,

at last we meet

for the first time for the last time.

Yeah.

Prepare to die!

So you have the ring.

And I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine!

[grunting]

[grunts]

[screaming]

[groans]

[farts and groans]

If there's anything I despise, it's a fair fight.

But if I must, I must.

May the best man win.

The ring!

Ha! I can't believe

you fell for the oldest trick in the book!

Ha! What a goofball.

And now, say goodbye to your two best friends.

And I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

Very impressive, but too late to save you.

[Yogurt] Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr!

Use the Schwartz!

I can't, I lost the ring!

Forget the ring! The ring is bubkis!

I found it in a cr*cker Jack box!

The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr! It's in you!

All right, I'll try.

[straining]

[Dark Helmet] Here it comes!

-And there it goes. -No!

[grunting]

[grunting] Whoa!

[whimpers]

[screaming]

[computerized voice] Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.

This spacecraft will self-destruct in exactly three minutes.

[alarm blaring]

-[alarm sounding] -What the hell is going on?

[computerized voice] This ship will self-destruct

in exactly two minutes and seconds.

Attention!

This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command.

Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

All personnel, proceed to escape pods.

[all screaming]

[grunting]

[groans softly]

[elephant trumpeting]

What's happening? Where is he? Where is he?

Here! We've got one minute and forty seconds before the end of the world.

Hang on, we're out of here.

[computerized voice] In exactly one minute, this ship will self-destruct.

In exactly one minute, this ship will self-destruct.

Lord Helmet, somebody pushed the self-destruct button.

I know, I know, I was there!

What happened? What happened?

[sighs] The son of a b*tch pulled a mirror on me.

I gotta get out of here. Where's my escape pod?

-[man screaming] -Area Six, sir.

Uh, Area Six, Area Six.

That's right after Area Five, sir.

Right, thanks.

[grunting]

Get out of there, you damn bleephole!

This is my pod!

Says you, sir! Arrivederci!

[grunts]

[Vespa] The light at the end of the tunnel!

Faster, Lone Starr, faster!

[computerized voice] This ship will self-destruct in exactly seconds.

Somebody stole my pod!

Somebody stole my pod!

To hell with your pods! Somebody stole my pod!

[computerized voice] Ten seconds.

Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six...

Wait, wait, wait.

What happened to seven?

[computerized voice] Just kidding! Seven...

- Five, four, three... -Almost there!

...two, one, zero, negative-one.

- Have a nice day! -[all] Whoa!

[all] Whoa!

You did it!

I don't know how, but you did it!

Nothing to it. In one ear and out the other.

[sighs]

[Vespa] Daddy!

Oh, Vespa!

My darling, I'm so happy to see you home and safe.

And here's someone else who's happy to see you.

[snoring]

[yawns]

Hello, where have you been? Walking out on our wedding,

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to break it off, the engagement.

Oh, Valium, thank you. Thank you.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

[yawns] It was? Right, goodbye!

[chair scraping]

Oh, Daddy, now I can marry

the most wonderful man in all the galaxy, Lone Starr!

Uh, sorry, precious,

but a princess still can only marry a prince,

and now that you've lost Prince Valium, I'm afraid that--

I'll end up an old maid.

Well, that's fine with me, Daddy,

because if I can't marry Lone Starr,

then I'll never marry anyone, ever!

[upbeat music playing]

Come on, boss,

you're nuts for her, she's nuts for you!

You could have got hitched

and the three of us would've lived happily ever after.

No, she can only marry a prince.

Besides, a space bum like me, I'm not good enough for her.

Well, I'd have to agree with that.

I think I'll watch some TV.

And on a sadder note,

Pizza the Hut, famed half man, half pizza,

was found dead earlier today

in the back seat of his stretch limo.

Evidently, the notorious gangster

became locked in his car and ate himself to death.

Did you hear that? Pizza kicked the bucket!

So now, we don't have to pay him!

Which means that if you took the money from King Roland,

we'd be a pair of millionaires!

No way I could take money for rescuing the woman I love.

The woman I can never have.

Oh, don't worry, you'll meet some other dame and get hitched to her!

No way.

If I can't marry Vespa,

then I'll never marry anyone ever!

Well, you've always got me! [chuckles]

Woof! Woof! Woof! [chuckles]

[screaming]

[horse snorts]

[creature] Hey, what are those things coming out of her nose?

Spaceballs.

Oh, my God.

There goes the planet!

[theme music playing]