[rock music]
(SINGING) I'm the
eternal optimist,
but I can no longer twist the
Words of the world and what
they serve to my populace,
Because the language
they speak is Greek to me
I speak with these heart beats
turning nothing to dreams
I'm no longer sleeping or
napping or Rip Van Winkle-ing
As Earth turns on its axis
Tired of spinning my
wheels and running in place
Don't want to die
on this treadmill
I'm ready to race
So tonight, I'll
be going out living
Oh, tonight I won't
be playing the music
Yeah
Wrote a note
Everything turns out OK.
Yo.
What do you want then, eh?
Great job.
(SINGING) I'm still searching
for some clarity and space, hey
Jimmy Cliff with Lasik chasing
I'm looking for a broad,
a bird, a gal, a skirt
A lass, a babe, a
dame, a girl dam
Who makes coyote into
a two syllable word
I've been told Billy Joel
that the good die young
But I'm still here,
so one of us f*cked up
And tonight, I'll
be going out living
Oh, tonight, I won't be
going out losing, yeah
I wrote a note postmarked
next New Year's day.
Bet everything
turns out OK, yeah.
[rock music]
(SINGING) Baby, don't
want to grow to be
A bitter old man but
that's the path that I lead
Whoa
Baby, don't want to grow to be
A bitter old man but
that's the path that I lead
Whoa
Yeah
[rock music]
[dings]
[acoustic music]
(SINGING) Yesterdays
are nice to remember
Especially when the
memories are dear.
[alarm rings]
Dad.
Oh my gosh, it's happened.
What?
This cannot be happening.
I've been left behind.
What did I do?
I did everything you asked.
I am so, so sorry for
not believing enough.
Gotcha.
Oh, geez.
Gross, Dad.
WAYNE: Dude.
Your idea.
WAYNE: Yeah, to
fake the rapture.
You disrobed all on your own.
It's called
committing to the bit.
Dad, you haven't changed
those in two weeks.
Your sponsor said
you at least have
to have more than one
pair of underwear.
I haven't talked to
that guy in a while.
What was his name again?
ADAM: Dad.
Fine.
I'll run out to the store.
Uh, you're supposed
to take me to school.
What the hell
happened to the bus?
WAYNE: Adam, it's OK.
I got you.
I'll be right outside.
Hey, Dad.
Don't forget your paper.
Hey, I thought we
talked about this.
How did that get in there?
Are you good enough?
Nope.
I gotta take a sh*t.
Need help with that, buddy?
You nervous?
Don't be.
Everything's going to be fine.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, you've been
homeschooled your entire life.
It's your senior year.
You have no friends other
than Wayne that I've seen.
But, you know, besides
that, public high school
isn't that bad.
Take it from somebody who
spent six years there.
Oh my gosh.
I'm sorry, son.
I'm just not great at
encouragement like mom.
But I do think this is
going to be good for you.
Well, I have no doubt.
I mean, there's so many kids
that can share the gospel--
That's great, buddy.
Really, Dad?
It's a new flavor.
Seriously?
Come on, you were so close
to getting your next chip.
I wish you would go
back to your meetings.
Yeah, me too.
[honking]
Thanks, Wayne.
What's up?
It's going to go great.
God help that kid be
normal for one day.
And God help you
get into my belly.
[rock music]
(SINGING) I want to know what
kind of car all my friends drive
I want to know what the
firstborn looks like
I want to know how to breathe
I want to know how to sleep.
So, are you ready
for your big day?
A little nervous,
but I'm excited.
You and me working together.
I can't wait to inspire others.
Oh.
I also got you a
granola bar and water.
Oh.
Thank you, Adam.
That's too kind.
I know you stop at Wawa, so
I didn't want to make you rush.
Yeah, I did have
to get up early
to coordinate with your dad.
What are those?
How are you even
a pastor's son?
The Save-a-thon, 48
souls in 48 hours.
WAYNE: That is quite the feat.
You think you can do it?
I should have this
knocked out by lunch.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, OK, Adam, I'm sorry.
It's just it's very hard
to share the good news
when your head is in the toilet.
Wait, they really do
that in high school?
WAYNE: No.
No, they don't, Adam, but
I knew you'd believe it.
Well, I don't care
what they do to me.
I'm willing to die for my faith.
No one needs to die, OK?
We just need to survive
until 3 o'clock.
ADAM: I mean, I could
get it done sooner
if you were helping me, but
you have to write your sermon.
Right.
Yeah, my sermon.
You haven't started it?
Wayne, you are speaking to
the whole church tomorrow.
I'm going to wing it, OK?
(SINGING) I'm promising
that I'll do good
I'm promising that I'll do
good, or I'll do better.
So we just stand here?
Like cattle?
Yeah, man.
Don't you have
any friends here?
Of course.
I just don't see her.
Here?
Well, time to get started.
Excuse me, sir.
Have you ever wondered where
you'll go when you die?
STUDENT: Thanks, man.
[gentle music]
Morning, class.
ANNOUNCER: Please stand for
the Pledge of Allegiance.
CLASS: I pledge
allegiance to the flag
of the United States of
America, to the republic
for which it stands.
One nation under
God, indivisible,
with liberty and
justice for all.
God bless America.
Oh, God.
TEACHER: Oh, boy.
Either way, you're capable
of so much better than this.
George Closs.
Come on, man.
Margo Swiggert.
This is a TS project.
That means tough
situation, because I
don't know how to
grade it, because it
is so bad that I don't really
think flies would land on it.
GIRL: Wait, did you really
just hang those up so
you could tear them down?
This is an honors
class, H-O-N-O-R-S.
All I see here is lick 'em,
stick 'em, and some glue
and glitter.
Wow, your collage really sucks
Shut up, Andrew.
My unborn baby is
smarter than you.
TEACHER: Frankly,
there's only one poster
that looks like it didn't
come out of a box of crayons,
or from that Crayola 101 class
that you all took last year.
And so I applaud it.
Jess Peterson, outstanding work.
Let's give her a hand.
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Didn't you already
get into college?
Three of them.
Then why are you trying
so hard for Dr. Frampton?
They're still going to look at
my transcripts from this year.
I want to keep my options open.
Why, you jealous?
[coughs]
Show off.
[gentle music]
I chose to research
the pterodactyl.
This creature was the
first pterosaur species
to be classified as
a flying reptile.
And being carnivores greatly
helped these creatures
by allowing them to eat
primarily fish that they
would catch while
flying over the sea.
In addition, it also came in
handy during the great flood,
as they likely did not have
to be stored on Noah's Ark.
If he's just going
to make stuff up,
I'm going to redo my project.
I want to go now.
I want to go now.
I'm tired.
God save us all then.
DYLAN: Yeah.
Shut up, Mitch.
Dylan, you're up next.
Thank you.
DR. GORDON: You're welcome.
Appreciate that.
Well, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You've officially made a
crappy day even crappier.
Congratulations.
My pleasure.
I really appreciate you
doing your report at home
so that you could present
on your first day here.
But this is chemistry.
Dinosaurs are Earth Science,
and that's ninth grade.
I know.
You are going to fall
behind because you don't
know how to follow directions.
So, I'm going to give
you the whole weekend
to redo your project.
I don't even know
where to get started.
Open up to chapter 13.
Go ahead.
You know what?
I have to take this call.
Just write anything, OK?
Anything to do with chemistry.
I'll give you a B-minus.
Oh, before you go,
Dr. Gordon, I just
have one question for you.
Have you ever heard about God?
MRS. SKIVO: Well, is anybody
going to answer this question?
Oh, come on.
What do the brave little toaster
and his friends symbolize?
[gentle music]
Conformity, individualism,
existentialism, mental illness.
I should have
retired 20 years ago.
sh**t.
Got to finish my math homework.
You can copy mine.
I think we have some time.
MRS. SKIVO: This is
the way the world ends.
Not with a bang.
[glass breaking]
Ooh.
But a whimper.
Remember, snitches get stitches.
You know what?
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
I'll just finish
it during lunch.
Sure.
Yeah.
People, today are
going to be talking
about the role of religion
in ancient cultures.
Finally.
If we want to cite the
Bible, how do we do that?
Do we just put the
author as God, or--
TEACHER: Well, first I
have a quiz for all of you
about what you already
know about Islam.
[ringing]
Dad, you need to
come pick me up.
Bruh, it's not
even lunchtime yet.
They are indoctrinating us.
With Islam.
I doubt that.
You don't get it, Dad.
I have to get back
to homeschool.
Well, look, it's
not going to happen.
Your mom was better
at that stuff than me.
And I think it's time that we
both experience new things.
You're no help.
I believe in you, buddy.
Hello, lunch.
[huffs]
Oh, I'm so sorry, ma'am.
It's OK.
It happens.
Oh, so you're the new kid?
Principal Berryman
wants to see you.
[chatter]
[squelching]
Thanks.
You didn't have to.
Well, I saw you were busy.
Plus, they had your favorite.
[chuckles]
Where is he?
Who?
But, no I--
please, please, no.
Please no.
Please, please, please.
Can I tell you something?
Sure.
I think I may be
getting persecuted.
[laughs]
I'm sorry, who are you?
Oh, Adam, this
is Jess Peterson.
Jess, this is Adam Hess.
So what's going on?
The teachers and students have
been discriminating against me
for my religious beliefs.
All day.
That's horrible.
I can't believe Mr.
Berryman would allow that.
ADAM: Yeah, well,
he's against me, too.
I never would have even
come to this school
if I knew everyone
here hated Christians.
My mom warned me
about this years ago,
but I never thought that it
would actually be this bad.
What?
Yeah, I mean, the
teachers won't let
me share my faith during class.
Oh, and the teacher
stopped me from handing out
these pamphlets for my church.
What makes you think
you can proselytize
to anybody in a public school?
The First Amendment.
Well, your First
Amendment rights
are limited when
you come to school.
It's the same lie
the principal told me.
And where have you been?
I could have really
used your help.
I can't convert this
entire school by myself.
Oh, is that your plan?
And you were helping
him with this?
No, it is not like that.
What do you mean?
You just told me
this morning that we
need to build
relationships with people
before we witness to them.
Yeah, and you're
doing a really great job
with this project, buddy.
So I'm just a project to you?
Look, it's his first day.
He has no idea what
he's doing here.
Adam Hess, I would
like to thank you.
For what?
For giving me a good reason
to remain a proud atheist.
See you in hell.
Well, I won't be
in hell, you'll be.
Oh, oh, no.
You'll be.
I think not.
Mm-hmm.
That is quite literally
false information.
What is wrong with you?
ADAM: What is wrong with you?
What?
You like her or something?
WAYNE: No.
ANNOUNCER: Please
pardon the interruption
Christopher Michael
Snyder and Mel Hobson,
please report to Mr.
Berryman's office.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Look, I'm sorry about him.
He's an idiot, you know.
He's the product of 12
years of home schooling,
and this is all alien to him.
I get it, I just
don't like the idea
of being considered a project.
You're not.
So what, are you going
to try and convert me too?
WAYNE: Me?
No, no.
Adam, he will probably try,
but let me work on him.
OK.
Can you imagine me in a church?
Could this day get any worse?
[banging]
STUDENT: Someone in there.
Please don't put my
hand in the toilet.
At least help me flush it first.
Thanks.
Thank you, Margo
Swiggert and Mike Dramons
for some great presentations.
[applause]
Hold up, hold up, fart
wads, we got one left.
Jess Peterson, you're up.
Let's try to keep it within
the time limit this time.
I gotta leave right
for the game at 2:30.
No guarantees.
Guarantees.
JESS: Now, my topic for the
sex ed unit is contraception.
Oh, grow up.
Now, there are many different
types of contraception.
You have condoms, which
have a 98% success rate.
Then of course, there's the
birth control pill, which
is slightly less than that.
Now, there are many different
types of protection,
and any protection is
better than no protection.
But if you can access it,
using them in combination
gives you the
highest success rate.
ADAM: Well, of
course, the best way
to prevent pregnancies
and STDs is abstinence.
I will be getting
to abstinence later.
It's near the end.
As I was saying--
Why didn't you
mention it first?
I mean, it's really all
you should have mentioned.
Excuse me?
Why are we even learning
this stuff in school?
It's pornographic.
No, the porn
unit is next week.
Why would anyone even
need to know this stuff
before they get married?
People have sex before
they get married--
Nobody wants to see
genitalia on the screen.
JESS: Adam, it is 2004.
ADAM: It's Disturbing.
JESS: We see genitalia.
ADAM: It's repulsive,
it's pornographic.
This presentation
should get an F.
This is a B-minus at best, OK?
ADAM: On the screen.
I can't wait to
see your project.
COACH: Hey, hey, hey.
Coach-- coach--
who's your coach?
Who's your coach?
Who's your coach?
I don't see what
the big deal is.
I was just trying to help.
What is wrong with you?
Why does everyone
keep asking me that?
I know it's your
first day, but have you
never been around humans before?
BOTH: Wayne.
You need to
control your friend.
He was my friend first.
JESS: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't
go to preschool bible study.
You would be so lucky.
My mom was the
best bible teacher.
Wayne, we're here to be
saving souls and nothing else,
and you act like
you don't even care.
What does that even mean?
You know, sometimes I wonder
if you even are a Christian.
Well, maybe I'm not.
What?
Maybe I'm not.
Maybe this whole thing
is a stupid delusion
that we've tricked
ourselves into believing.
That was a pretty good catch.
Thanks.
So, you're a heathen now?
I don't know what I believe.
I'm still figuring stuff out.
Like what?
I don't know, like,
I'm 18 years old
and I still haven't
done what most kids do.
So what?
So what?
I wonder.
I wonder what it would
be like to go to a party,
to drink alcohol, to
make out with a stranger.
Just do something
wrong for once.
Oh.
Even if it was
just for one night.
I think you should do it.
Of course.
You're lucky I didn't let that
sidewalk split your head open.
It's my first day.
On Earth?
I need something to eat.
(SINGING) Tom Jones,
the family restaurant
Where all your sorrows and your
troubles go away in the instant
You walk through
the door, Tom Jones.
My lady.
No, you first.
After all, we're equals.
I wasn't implying
that we weren't equals.
My mom just taught
me to be a gentleman.
Would you two just shut up?
WAITRESS: Welcome to Tom Jones.
What can I get you?
ADAM: Yes, I'll have the
blue ribbon special, two
scrambled eggs, bacon,
sausage, pancakes,
white toast, and apple juice.
Still get that every time?
All that for 3 bucks, you're
never going to beat that.
I will have a Sir Chicken,
please, with coffee.
The cheeseburger deluxe.
ADAM: I can't believe
you didn't tell me
you were losing your faith.
Well, I knew how you'd react.
How did you think I'd react?
Exactly.
Wait, you were going to
college to be a pastor.
What possible issues could
you have with religion?
Plenty.
I mean, you've been
running around today trying
to save people from hell.
What about people that go to
other schools, or other towns,
or underdeveloped
parts of the world?
Like Chester County?
At this point, Montco
is already damned.
Wayne, you have to
trust the word of God.
OK.
Who decided that this
was the word of God?
God did.
God did.
God did.
How do you know?
The word of God tells us.
Son, you know the answer.
Just go to the Bible.
You see?
You, my dad, my fricking
Sunday school teacher,
I can never get a straight
answer out of any of you.
I mean, Mrs. Baker wasn't
as awesome as my mom,
but she was still a pretty
sweet Sunday school teacher.
Did you not see
her on the news?
REPORTER: Tonight's top story.
A local Sunday school teacher
charged with 34 felony
counts related to last week's
violent riot outside the media
courthouse.
I'm done worrying about
an eternity in hell.
How can you even say that?
Because, dude, an eternity
in Delco sounds a lot worse.
I'm going to Delco Biblical.
I'm going to take over
the church for my dad
when he retires.
WAITRESS: You with
the blue ribbon?
I'm going to die in Delco.
There are worse
places to die, kid.
You want a refill?
Yes, please.
She's right, you know.
You've only ever
experienced Delco
as a sheltered pastor's kid.
I mean, granted, it
could have been worse.
I did not agree to be
part of this illustration.
You've really never
done anything wrong
in your entire life?
I see it on a daily basis.
Why, just this morning, I
was going downstairs-- hey.
What?
Pissing in your pants ain't sin.
No, I guess I haven't.
I knew it.
I knew it this morning when
you wouldn't copy my homework.
I don't know.
I mean, I always
wondered what would
happen if I did something
wrong, but it just
goes against everything I've
practiced my whole life.
We need to start small, then.
No.
Yes.
I've always wanted to read that.
ADAM: Wayne, it's witchcraft.
It is well written witchcraft.
JK Rowling will
forever be celebrated
for her creative genius.
I gotta tell you, this
is pretty spectacular.
I know, right?
Well, it will never be
as terrific as the Bible.
Oh, wait, did we pay?
We'll pay next time.
ADAM: Isn't that ill*gal?
Dining and dashing?
Let's do it.
I mean, we're already outside.
No.
Wayne, I am putting
a stop to this.
You have to go and
talk to your dad.
No, you know what?
I have to assemble the elders.
No, no.
You are not texting my father.
OK.
Then I'll text the elders.
It's only $0.25 a text.
You can pay me back.
No, you're not
texting the elders.
Are you still planning
on giving that sermon
at church tomorrow?
Dude, I have no choice.
Well, I cannot let
a lost person preach
to our congregation.
I gotta tell somebody.
Amateurs.
Come on.
Don't.
Oh.
Next time will be easier.
It's not too late, guys.
It's technically not dining
and dashing until we dash.
Wayne.
We're not doing this, are we?
Wayne.
WAYNE: Oh, sh*t.
Go, go.
I'm so sorry.
(SINGING) When it's over,
think with your heart.
We're going to get arrested.
Shut up.
Well, yeah, because you stuck
your stupid face out the window,
and now they know it's us.
Oh my God.
This is the most
alive I've ever felt.
You're feeling good?
I'm feeling great.
OK.
Let's get started.
What have you
always wanted to do?
I've always wanted to--
always wanted to take
a dump in the urinal.
Ew, OK.
Yeah.
I guess that's not so bad.
OK, dump in a
urinal, number one.
Sure, but you have
to think bigger, man.
You gotta-- OK.
Bigger than dumps.
Kiss a girl.
OK.
What else?
Next he's going to say m*rder.
Number three, m*rder.
Jess.
I'm kidding.
It's crossed out.
Manslaughter.
Good start.
This is rebelling?
The church was just
here last week.
We rented out the whole theater
to see Mel Gibson's Passion
of the Christ.
Is that the Braveheart guy?
Yeah, but he's so
much more than that now.
He's a Hollywood actor who's
not afraid to share his faith.
It's just so refreshing.
Yeah, I really don't want
to sit through that again.
Thank you, sir.
Three for Passion
of the Christ, please.
What?
He sold me on it.
No, I got it.
I work minimum wage.
You can pay next time.
Next time?
Next time, next time.
Yeah, we're not doing this.
WAYNE: Why not?
6 bucks for a bag of popcorn?
WAYNE: 6 bucks for
a bag of popcorn.
And pretzel bites and cheese.
Ooh.
I really like pretzel
bites and cheese.
Let's go get some
pretzel bites and cheese.
Not from here.
We won't be back.
[guitar playing]
So, the trick is to dress
baggy, but like, not too baggy.
Oh, there are these
trench coats at Kohl's.
I think that would
be actually perfect.
So we'll go pick those up and
then go to the movie theater.
WAYNE: Why are they
even against the rules
to bring food that we
bought into a movie theater?
Because you can't bring
any outside food and drinks.
It's, like, posted
all over the place.
It's a crime and a sin.
Well, it's maybe a crime,
but I don't think it's a sin.
Not all sins are crimes.
It's definitely both.
JESS: Oh, yeah?
Who told you that?
God.
Directly?
Yes.
You called him?
ADAM: Yes.
OK.
Yes, I did, Jess.
You called him
up on his phone?
His God phone?
ADAM: It's not a phone.
I speak to him through prayer.
WAYNE: It's a commandment.
Thou shalt not bring food or
drink into a movie theater.
It should be a commandment.
I think worst sins have
happened in that movie theater.
Gross.
[lively music]
So, are we even going
to pay for this stuff?
Of course.
We are mischief makers,
not mischief monsters.
This is great,
but I still want
to get pretzel bites and cheese.
Fine.
(SINGING) This is
in the patterns
I'm hearing voices
through the walls
Oh, tell me how
this madness started
Well, I really can't recall.
I'm so glad you're
giving this a chance.
I promise, you can't go
wrong with Mel Gibson.
You can't go wrong
with Mel Gibson.
That's what my dad says.
JESS: Yeah.
Your dad says a lot.
WAYNE: He does.
ADAM: I love your dad.
I wish he was my dad.
Are you sure this is
Passion of the Christ.
Oh, no.
But the dead do rise, so it's
pretty much the same movie.
[screaming]
Woo.
Woo-hoo.
Man, they don't make
em like they used to.
This is actually a remake.
Yeah, I know.
Oh.
Me neither.
So, what's next?
Well, this is some
pretty light stuff.
I think we should go to church.
Really?
Wayne.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to die here.
Is a perk of your dad being
a pastor you get to park
in the handicapped spot?
Those are new.
They didn't used to have those.
So, what are we here for?
JESS: So my friend Dash is
having a party in Springfield,
and nobody there has a fake ID.
And nobody here has a fake ID.
So.
What?
No.
No.
Why not?
You're going to steal wine?
Really?
Wayne, this is your
father's church.
Yeah, so he knows where it is.
We're all going to hell.
BOTH: See you there.
Dickhead.
So what do you think?
Go big or go home.
Well, come on,
guys, let's go get--
[gasps]
Let's go get my
first Holy Communion.
Whoa.
This place is cleaner than
granite around a mall.
MRS. MILLER: Hello, Wayne.
It's good to see you.
Are you here to help
with youth group tonight?
Hey, Mrs. Miller.
No, I'm actually here to
pick up something for my dad.
Could I get the master key
to get into his office?
MRS. MILLER: You know what?
He's already up there.
Why don't you just
let yourself in?
OK, thank you.
I get to meet your dad?
Yeah, I guess you do.
So I think you'll
be really happy.
I found this really great
place for the new church plant
here in Glen Mills,
which is great
because we'll attract people
from Chadds Ford, Garnet
Valley, and even some
from Newtown Square.
Now, what about that
place we visited Crumlin?
Ah, yes, Crumlin.
Yes, that place was OK.
It was a little
worn down, a little
too close to Ridley
Park and Tinicum
and way too close to Chester.
What exactly is
wrong with Chester?
Oh, nothing.
I love Chester.
I-- I have friends
who live in Chester.
I mean, we still could
build a church there, too.
I'm just thinking that maybe
we start in Glen Mills.
Mm.
You know, We have really
big plans for this place, too.
I think you're going to be
really impressed tomorrow.
Wayne has put so
much work into this.
And I want to thank you
for believing in him
like I believe in him.
REVEREND CHARLESTON: Of course.
WAYNE: Hey, Dad.
Hey.
Wayne, I was just
bragging about you.
What brings you here?
Well, I--
I wanted to stop by and get
some notes for my big sermon
tomorrow.
That is terrific.
Here, I want to introduce you.
Wayne, this is
Reverend Charleston.
He is the Dean of Theology
at Delco Biblical.
Reverend, this is my son
Wayne, and his friends.
Hello.
It's so good to meet you.
We are very excited to be
completely funding your tuition.
It's an honor, Reverend.
I don't know how to thank you.
Well, your father and your
grandfather are proud alumni,
so we had to take care of you.
Delco is counting on you to
stay here for the long haul.
Everything the blue route
touches is our kingdom.
So many lost souls.
Oh, and that was
a terrific essay
you wrote about the
importance of authenticity
and personal ethics.
By the way, I will be attending
tomorrow to hear you speak.
Really?
I know giving a sermon
on a Saturday seems odd,
but if you do well enough, you
may get bumped up to Sunday.
[laughing]
By the way, son, how is
the Save-a-thon going?
It's-- it's going pretty well.
You haven't saved anyone yet.
Obviously, Adam.
Only Jesus saves.
So people are open
to the good news?
Yes.
JESS: Yeah.
Definitely.
Sir, you should be
very proud of your son.
He preached to me yesterday,
and I have accepted Christ
into my heart.
That is amazing.
Wayne, I'm so proud of you.
Now, I know you're
brand new, but you're
welcome to help these guys out.
I mean, I know we
still have over 24
hours of the Save-a-thon,
Pastor, it would be my honor.
But actually, we ran
out of pamphlets.
Where do you keep them?
Wayne, you got to find
yourself a girl like this one.
Well, actually, I do have
them out in the main lobby.
But you know what?
I have a brand new
box in my back room.
Let me unlock that for you.
WAYNE: Yeah.
[rock music]
We are dead, dude.
Well, if we're already dead,
we might as well enjoy it.
JESS: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh
my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,
oh my gosh.
I've never felt more alive.
I'm sorry, God.
Come on, come on.
So where are we off to
now, fellow criminals?
Oh, we're going to the party.
To Springfield.
OK, but it's just to
drop the stuff off, right?
Oh, no no, no, no, Adam.
We are staying.
We are staying all night.
All night long.
Oh, H-E Double Hockey Sticks.
Get in the car.
No one asked me what
I wanted to do today.
Well, get yourself
a driver's license,
and then maybe you can
make some decisions.
I tried.
Failed the test three times.
Oh, that's really a shame,
because you could annoy
a lot more people with a car.
WAYNE: OK, OK, Jess, come on.
Adam, you're right.
You have been a very
good sport today.
What would you like to do?
Well, there is one thing.
I have no idea what
this could possibly be,
if I'm being honest.
Adam.
Did you preorder the DS?
Not quite.
Well.
I just have to
pick something up.
You guys don't have to come in.
What, are you saying girls
can't play video games?
[gasps]
Didn't say that.
Yeah, but you
were thinking it.
You know, you could go
a little easier on him.
Oh, come on.
People like him are the
reason why I'll never
go to church unironically.
You having fun?
Oh, yeah.
Want to have some more fun?
MITCH: No, Mom.
I have told you, for
the thousandth time,
this is a real job.
I am not just playing
games at a friend's house.
Oh, suck it, Mitch.
Dude, you drive like my
grandma with dementia.
She's a nice lady, and
do not hate on Baby Mario.
ANITA: Dude, if I knew you
were going to suck so bad,
I wouldn't have came in to work.
No, no.
Tell her I said hi.
Hey.
Hey.
Mitch is doing such a bad
job, you should really
punish him when you get home.
MITCH: We got a customer.
Dude, no, come on.
You always do this.
Do your job.
All right, greetings
and salutations.
ADAM: Oh, hey, I
remember you from school.
You still have my pamphlet?
No.
Veronica, the art
lady from Rochdale.
MITCH: No, no, no.
She's--
So.
JESS: So, I think it's
time we upped the ante.
What does that mean?
JESS: Put that in your backpack.
Come on, Jess.
Come on.
Look, I know it's
not a Game Boy, but--
I'm not a shoplifter.
Tonight you can be
anything you want to be.
Yeah, well, I don't
want to be that.
MANAGER: He did what?
You threw her change at
her because she didn't
want to do the rewards program?
Are you insane?
You told us to
pressure the customers.
That's how I do it.
I asked you to
be subtle about it.
Subtle.
Her back was turned.
She didn't see me
What, are you scared
you might get caught?
No, I'm not scared.
I'm just also not stupid.
Oh.
You're so cute
when you're noble.
Look, you both screw up
again, you're out on your asses.
Wait, no.
Why me?
Because you enable him and
you play video games all day.
We work in a video game store.
Excuse me.
What, man?
This guy.
What?
It's rude.
Do you have my game in?
What game?
We have a lot of games.
Grand Theft Auto.
Oh, San Andreas.
Oh, yes, we just got that in.
Here you go.
You play GTA?
No.
It's for a friend.
I am your only friend.
Would you just
put it in the bag?
See you at church on Sunday.
I wouldn't miss it.
I told you already, sir,
you cannot pay us to take
your Virtual Boy.
So?
No one's going to tell?
Of course not.
I don't give a sh*t.
I actually think it makes
you seem more human.
That means a lot.
Thank you.
Where are we going next?
OK.
[rock music]
(SINGING) She looks at me
with those big brown eyes
And I know that
something's troubling
Heart skips a beat,
and it's no surprise
she's living on a record sleeve
She's like, well, Michelle
has got a song about her
Allison has got a song about her
Jessica has got a song about her
And I'm like, girl,
I'll never let you down
Here's your take list
Here's your tour song
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants
Here's your first kiss
Here's your sing along
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants
She's in my dreams, but
she's driving me wild
And I'm feeling
like I lose control
She's got moves,
she's got looks,
She's got style and
a voice and a radio
She's like, I know Jamie's
got a song about her
Veronica has got
a song about her
Sarah's got a couple
songs about her
And I'm like, girl,
I'll never let you down
Here's your tape list
Here's your tour song
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants
Here's your first kiss
Here's you sing along
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants
Here's your tape list
Here's your tour song
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants
Here's your first kiss
Here's you sing along
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants
She gets what she wants.
I've never seen
this house before.
Yeah, this is
Dash Quinn's house.
He's one of the
richest kids in town,
and his parents
are not home a lot.
Oh, you cannot go to a party
dressed in that shirt, though.
What?
This offer doesn't stand.
Put the hoodie on.
[chatter]
[upbeat music]
You're in my house.
Whoa, whoa, what is this?
It's the booze, I promised.
Oh, yo.
You guys rock.
No, I had nothing
to do with this.
Yes.
Hey, yo, refills for everybody.
[cheering]
Yo, come here.
I gotta show you
something on the DL.
Was that fun?
I'll be right back.
So what are we supposed to do?
I don't know, dude.
I didn't even think
we'd get this far.
Oh.
I hope you work on your sermon.
[upbeat music]
Hey, come on in.
Sorry, I don't drink.
GIRL: Oh, neither do we.
This is the alcohol-free zone.
Oh.
What church do you guys go to?
Why do you think
we go to church?
Well, I just assumed
since you weren't drinking.
Well, I mean, I go.
I go to the synagogue.
I don't go at all.
I'm sorry.
This was actually my first
day at Sun Valley High.
I was home schooled
my whole life.
So if you guys don't drink,
what's the bottle for?
[laughing]
[upbeat music]
GUEST: Maybe you
should slow down?
Have you eaten anything?
No, it's OK.
All right.
I'm going to get
you a plate, OK?
Thank you.
Oh my God, OK.
Fill me up.
Fill me up.
Thank you.
[cheering]
[upbeat music]
[chatter]
Somebody put Creed on.
Or not.
That's OK.
We don't need to listen to that.
We can listen to
whatever you guys want.
So what happens in there?
Oh my gosh.
You have to wait your turn.
[laughing]
[knocking]
JESS: Oh, hey, guys.
Got an order for
Tony Pepperoni.
That's not you, is it?
No.
MITCH: Consarn it.
I knew it was a prank call.
You don't happen to have
$20.04 now, would you?
Whoa. whoa, whoa.
I'll take that.
I'll take that.
Thank you very much.
Yo, girl, you got this?
Cool.
Thanks.
Pay you back.
Does it take two of
you to deliver a pizza?
Don't you have that
job at the game shop?
We did.
We got fired because another
game console, yet again, got
stolen under our watch.
Our, emphasis.
I wouldn't really
call it our, since you
were the one making
personal calls
and not watching the store
like you're supposed to.
MITCH: Do not
disrespect my mother.
If she calls to ask about a
game, she is still a customer.
A premium customer, mind you.
Well, at least you
guys still have this job.
Actually, this is Mitch's
job, but he's splitting his tips
with me because he got aspired.
I am splitting
my tips with you
because I am a
good friend, Anita.
Good friends don't do this.
They don't do this.
Well, here you go.
Whoa.
Wait.
You're giving this to us?
Well, thank you.
Wait, wait.
It's too generous.
Shut up, shut up, shut
up, shut up, shut up.
Pokemon game.
Come on.
We have to go to the game
store in Philly, though.
We can't go back to ours.
I am not going to Philly.
Because we got fired, doesn't
mean we can't go back.
If we go back, you know,
prove our patronage, you know.
No, no, no, no, no.
Dustin's there tonight.
Dustin can't see me like this.
Oh, Dustin, Dustin.
[party music]
No drinks in here.
It's a nice carpet.
JESS: What are
you doing in here?
It's alcohol-free.
It's your turn, virgin.
I just assumed.
Well, let's get
this over with.
What?
I'll see you in there.
You gotta go.
You know it's the rules.
[laughs]
OK, I have got seven minutes.
Really?
And you've done this before?
All the time.
If you died tonight, do you
know where you would go?
Why are you--
is this a threat?
No, no, I'm just asking.
Someplace not very good.
OK.
So, why do you think that?
Why are you asking me this?
Do you even know what we're
supposed to do in here?
Yeah.
We've got seven minutes to
do whatever we want to do.
And I want to talk to
you about the evidence,
archaeological evidence, that
proves that there are factual
things in the Bible
such as Noah's--
Oh my God, shut up.
[gasps]
What?
[hip hop music]
(RAPPING) I promise you, I'm
not doing this to be relevant
And relevant, intelligent
I'm giving it up for you now
Wayne, we gotta talk.
What have we been doing
with our lives, man?
This whole thing
was a huge mistake.
It's all your fault.
Oh, you didn't need to come.
I came because I'm
trying to save your soul.
So that you can save more souls.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I don't even
remember the last time
I felt inspired to do that.
It doesn't matter,
because now I have
to focus on saving one soul.
Whose is that?
My future wife.
Oh, boy.
DASH: Guys.
Yo, yo, yo, what the hell?
Why did you bring piss
water to my party?
Grape juice?
ADAM: It's wine.
From the church.
What?
Does this look like wine to you?
I don't know, it's the
only wine I've ever seen.
We don't get out much.
Well, get us some more, guys.
We don't have fake IDs.
I thought Christians drank wine.
They told us it was wine.
I can't--
So wait, why are
you getting married?
Jess just took my innocence
in the upstairs closet.
What?
We were just playing
spin the bottle.
What?
Well, no, I just kissed him.
He was annoying
the sh*t out of me,
so I kissed him to
make him shut up.
Now, I want to
ask you to marry me.
BOTH: What?
It's the right thing to do.
You are a whack job.
Oh.
Why did you kiss her?
I didn't ask to.
She just put her mouth on me.
I didn't know what to do.
I am homeschooled.
Do you think I
want to marry her?
I don't.
But it's what Jesus would do.
Oh, yeah, Jesus
would do exactly this.
Again, I have to ask,
what is wrong with you?
Just get lost.
You're an embarrassment.
[party music]
Don't talk to me.
I don't want to hear
about your religion.
You are never going
to convert me,
and you're never going
to change my mind.
No, you--
OK.
So how much longer do
we have to stay here?
I don't know.
I guess however long
Wayne wants to stay.
You're going to
corrupt him some more?
Well, if he annoys
the sh*t out of me
and I have to kiss him to stop
talking, then yeah, I'll do it.
I don't know how I'm
going to make this work.
I do have one question
for you, though.
How do you deal with guilt?
Why?
I did a lot of stuff today
that I don't feel proud of.
And yeah, I wanted
Wayne to live his life,
but I hurt a lot of
people in the process.
And I mean, look at you.
You-- you've never even
done anything wrong.
You've never even
kissed anybody.
Wait, how'd you know?
I could tell.
Do you even feel guilty?
Plenty.
I feel guilty if I'm
disrespectful to my father.
JESS: You ever curse him out?
No.
Just when I have angry
thoughts about him.
I wish all I
had were thoughts.
But at the end of the day, I
know that Jesus has taken all--
guilt is rough.
I mean, I feel it
every day, but I
think that sometimes
it's just about being
OK with not being perfect.
GIRL: Hey, everybody.
Announcement.
As you all know,
every year we go
to Butt Lane and
steal the street sign.
[cheers]
DASH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa.
We sure that's a good idea?
I mean, last time we
almost got caught,
and Old Man Beswick, he's got
those security cameras up now.
No, he doesn't
have the cameras.
He just has the g*n.
DASH: That's worse.
GIRL: Which just means we
have to be more careful.
But it is a time
honored tradition.
Do we have to do
that again this year?
Yeah, I don't know,
it's getting kind of old.
Come on, guys.
Jess, what do you think?
I don't want to do it.
OK.
Anyone?
Why?
Why not?
I'm trying to live tonight.
Because it's stupid.
Well, maybe I'm stupid.
Who's got tools?
[cheering]
That one's the North Star.
You can tell because
it's in the north.
[rock music]
You've never done
this before, have you?
You can't just rip it off.
Oh.
[rock music]
[grunting]
Wait.
Why do you guys
even have all of that?
Just in case.
You're doing it all so wrong.
It's righty tighty.
Lefty loosey.
DASH: Lefty loosey?
GIRL: Yeah, Lefty loosey.
DASH: No.
GIRL: Have you been
to kindergarten?
No, that thing-- it's
the all the same thing.
It's all the same thing.
It doesn't matter.
WAYNE: Right or left?
It's righty tighty.
WAYNE: OK.
Thank you.
Idiot.
WAYNE: That's not working.
GUY: Same thing, whatever.
Just take it out.
Just take it out of there.
There you go.
MITCH: All right, dude.
GIRL: See, I told you it was
lefty loosey, because clearly it
worked.
DASH: OK, all right.
Well, I'll give you
credit on that one.
That's fine.
Oh.
DASH: OK.
Will you just hurry up?
I can't take this anymore.
People, the end is near.
You shouldn't be focusing on
these shameful shenanigans.
You should be giving
your life to Jesus.
Dude, dude, get out of
the street, you moron.
Hey, hey, that's my
friend you're talking to.
ADAM: I am not your friend.
You're enabling evil.
Seriously, dude,
get out of the street.
It's not safe.
No, I--
I am always safe
because I am saved.
God will protect me.
Adam.
ANITA: Oh my God, oh my God.
Hey, hey, are you OK?
Are you OK?
I am so sorry.
You can have the pizza.
You need it more.
Get out of here.
Hey, are you OK?
Get up.
[groaning]
[siren blaring]
JESS: Oh, no.
Shti, sh*t, sh*t.
Oh, I'm not
going back in cage.
Every man for himself.
Don't ditch me, as*h*le.
I'm not delivering your
baby in a jail cell.
[siren blaring]
Turn to the left.
[ringing]
Hello?
Hey, Dad.
Wayne.
Why are you calling me so late?
Where are you?
It's a little hard to explain.
Are you OK?
Are you hurt?
No, no, I'm not hurt.
Where are you, son?
I'm in jail.
What?
I'm in jail.
So I went to a party last
night, and I got drunk.
And I tried to Steal--
Steal a street sign.
Wayne, don't joke.
If this is some kind
of prank, it is sick.
I'm not joking, Dad.
Can you come bail me out?
Well, what time are
they holding you until?
8:00 AM.
That's two hours
before church.
You are still
giving that sermon.
So you're not coming?
I will talk to you
tomorrow about this.
But don't you dare say
anything about this to anyone.
You will not humiliate me.
I don't see why
I have to be here.
Well, apparently,
you're an accomplice.
What'd your dad say?
He's not coming.
Are you in pain?
Not really.
Just slightly sore in this arm.
Ow.
What was that for?
This is your fault
that we're here.
I'm not the one who
stole a street sign.
And I'm not the one that stood
in the middle of the street
with his eyes closed,
which is dumber.
Oh, really?
You are the dumb one.
A couple of Delco's finest here.
You know, I didn't even
get one person saved today.
Oh, please.
Don't worry.
You'll be back in
school on Monday,
and you can convert as
many people as possible.
That way, you can check off your
little Save-a-thon checklist.
And you can gloat about it as
presumptuously as possible.
You think that's
what I care about?
That, and I think you
enjoy being a martyr.
It's like you get some
sort of sick validation,
and that tricks you into
believing that you're not
a complete weirdo.
I just don't want to
see people go to hell.
Newsflash, you're in hell.
It's called Delco.
And I'm going to die here.
No matter what I do.
No matter how many
street signs I steal.
My dad's still going to
make me go to Bible school.
That way, I can continue
his great crusade
and save this
godforsaken county.
Dude, how are you
going to save Delco?
What?
That is terrible.
I am very sorry for you, sir.
ANITA: Truly.
You have no idea
how lucky you are.
Maybe hell isn't real for
you, but it's real for me.
You don't have to
worry about everyone
you love being tortured in
the pits of fire for eternity.
Oh, and what about your
perfect, wonderful Sunday school
mom that you never
shut up about?
No.
I mean, do we really have
her to thank for turning you
into a complete freak?
My mom died on
the mission field.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
I'm proud of how I turned
out because of her.
She died serving God.
And my dad has been
drunk ever since.
This has to be real.
Otherwise, I don't know how
else I can move forward.
I wish mom could
see our wedding.
What makes you think that
we are going to get married?
ADAM: Just because we kissed,
and I wanted my first kiss
to be with my wife.
Do you know how many
people I've kissed?
What makes you
think that you are
so special that I
would even entertain
the idea of marrying you?
Well, it's just what
I learned in homeschool.
Adam, this is a
different world.
Oh, a world where
we steal games?
What do you mean?
Here.
No way.
You got us fired?
No way.
No, no, I had no idea
that that was in there.
Lia.
No, actually, he's
telling the truth.
I put it there.
Why?
JESS: I don't know.
I thought it was going
to be funny at the time,
but I just wanted
Wayne to live his life.
By ruining our lives, right?
That's--
JESS: I'm sorry, I'm--
I'm sorry I got you fired.
I'm sorry you lost
your jobs over it.
I'm heartbroken.
Really, I am.
I'm sorry.
Arrest her.
Throw her in the clink.
OFFICER: Hey, shut up, dorks.
Shut up.
WAYNE: Jess, why
did you do that?
I just wanted you to
have new experiences.
Well, I didn't want that.
I didn't want to completely
change who I was.
I didn't want to
become an as*h*le.
It might be too late.
Dad?
Adam?
Thank God.
How did you know we were here?
No funny business, Hess.
No funny business, Hess.
That's what you sound like.
What are you doing here, buddy?
What happened to your arm?
Well, I was preaching in the
street and I got hit by a car.
Don't worry.
I'm going to get us out of here.
I got connections.
Officer?
Excuse me.
Come on, Officer.
I got a joke for you.
I said to him,
that's not yogurt.
You know, you're
not so bad, Hess.
Just stay out of trouble.
Of course, Officer Winchell.
Please, call me Winnie.
All right, Winnie.
Same time next week?
Same time next week, Hess.
What?
BOSS (ON PHONE):
Turn in your apron.
I never want to see
your face in here again.
Well, we got fired
from the pizza shop.
Why?
Oh, we didn't
finish her shift,
and they really don't
like it when we hit people
with the delivery car.
So, do the math.
Yeah, that checks out.
Church is in two hours.
Still going to preach?
I don't really have
much of a choice, do I?
And you still have no idea
what you're going to talk about.
Are you kidding me?
I'm going to let
God do the talking.
Oh.
That's Christian for,
I'm going to wing it.
Hey, do you mind if we
do some things beforehand?
I have some things I
need to take care of.
WAYNE: Sure.
(SINGING) I'm a mess
I'm such a wreck
I'm stranded on
this road to nowhere
A broken boy searching
for a way home
You're a girl
Who bends the world
To each and every
whim that strikes you
Anywhere with you, I
swear I'd like to go
Believe me, I'm dreaming
of taking up your time
But I know, I know I won't
make it through the night
Cause if I'm being honest
Honesty's a b*tch
And I can't fall in love with
Anyone like this
It's not you, it's not me
It's just everybody else
I'm sorry I can't love you
Until I love my self
You're a waste of all the space
You take up in my head
I heard you say
under your breath
I'll hurt you dear
I'm a fool for loving you
You'll whisper
into my ear nightly
Cause you lie down
in bed beside me here
Believe me, I'm dreaming
Of taking up your time
But I know, I know
We won't make it
through the night
Cause if I'm being honest
Honesty's a b*tch
And I can't fall in love with
Anyone like this
It's not you, it's not me
It's everybody else
I'm sorry I can't love you
Until I love my
Self control, I don't have it
Just let it happen
I don't know what to do
If I'm being honest
Honesty's a b*tch
And I can't fall in love with
Anyone like this
It's not you, it's not me
It's just everybody else
Sorry I can't love you
Until I love my.
WAYNE: What is this place?
JESS: You can't stand in
front of your church dressed
like that.
Alicia, como estas.
Muffy.
It's OK, it's OK, it's OK.
How can I help you?
He needs something
to preach in.
One moment.
So, what do you think?
ADAM: That's a Catholic robe.
He's not Catholic?
He's not Catholic?
Oh, that explains
the grape juice.
Well, how about we lose
the robe and the collar
and add a tie?
You're not Catholic.
Take that off.
Yeah, real
Catholics drink wine.
That's what my mom always says.
JOEL: How are you?
Good to see you.
Hi, how are you?
Thank you for coming.
Oh, hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
Hi, how are you?
Frank, how are you?
Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
Thank you for coming.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for coming.
Reverend.
I'm excited to hear your
son speak today, Joel.
What's he speaking about?
Well, I imagine he's going to
continue my series on purity.
You mean you
haven't heard him yet?
Oh, he's been working
on it in private.
I didn't want to interfere.
I'm sure he'll be
here any minute.
I'll see you inside.
JOEL: Hello.
Thank you so much for coming.
Hi, how are you?
We're about to start.
There you are.
Service starts in five minutes.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Dad.
Yes?
I'm really sorry
for everything.
We are not doing this now.
Just go take your position.
I hope you haven't
corrupted my son.
That's how you greet
all your parishioners?
Ah.
Let's go.
If I can ask you
for a favor, son.
I need someone to run
the soundboard today.
Would you mind?
ADAM: No problem.
JOEL: Thank you.
It's so good to see you.
Thank you for coming out.
Good to see you as well.
Thank you for coming out.
Oh.
Good morning, sir.
I'm so sorry, our food
drive for the homeless
isn't until tomorrow.
Oh.
Hi, Pastor.
Oh, Bob.
Well, it's good
to see you again.
Welcome.
Well, that's quite a son
you've raised on to the Lord.
Oh, his mom did most of that.
She was the sober one.
Ah, yes.
Well, thank you for coming.
Great place you got.
Oh, thank you.
[applause]
Oh, weren't they wonderful?
[applause]
God is good.
CONGREGATION: All the time.
JOEL: All the time, indeed.
Well, first of all, I would
like to thank all of you
for coming out on a Saturday
to hear my son speak.
Thank you so much.
But also, to the
wonderful Reverend
Charleston, who came from
Delco Biblical, where Wayne
will be attending in the fall.
[applause]
So I would like
you all to please
help me welcome to the
pulpit my son, Wayne Powers.
[applause]
Thank you.
Ah.
Don't you dare f*ck this up.
Good morning, everybody.
CONGREGATION: Good morning.
Wow.
It's funny seeing all
these faces of people
from my entire life.
I almost feel like I'm at the
end of that movie, Big Fish.
But in all seriousness,
every single one of you
has helped me get
to where I am today.
And I'll never be able
to thank you for that.
But you all have inspired me to
stay here and to serve Delco.
What about God?
Well, God, you know, he--
he brought you all
into my life, right?
And for that, I'm
eternally grateful.
How about we get started
on today's topic.
Purity.
According to Psalm 14:3 and
4, purity is corrupted by sin.
God is looking for
someone with clean hands.
And a pure heart.
But the truth is,
that's none of us.
Certainly not me.
I got drunk last night.
I dined and dashed.
I shat in a urinal.
I tried to steal a
street sign just for fun,
and then I spent
the night in jail.
I snuck outside food
into a movie theater.
I guess that's not that bad.
But if we don't support our
local movie theaters, you know,
they're not going to
be around forever.
I just can't fake this anymore.
I don't know if I believe that
the Bible is the word of God.
He's-- he's joking everyone.
My son has a very
unique sense of humor.
I don't even know if I
believe in God anymore.
Cut his mic.
I don't want to die in Delco.
People treat each
other like sh*t here.
Did you hear what I said?
Cut his mic.
WAYNE: Why am I seeing
my Sunday school teacher
on the news for attacking
peaceful protesters?
What is wrong with you?
Don't talk to
my son like that.
WAYNE: My dad bailed
her out of jail.
My dad will bail the--
If this is what
he needs to say.
WAYNE: How the hell does that--
I'm going to let him.
This is all a long
way to say that I
don't know if I'm the
right guy to represent
this church to the community.
I did a lot of stuff last
night that I'm not proud of.
But just because I'm
not a Delco saint,
that doesn't mean that I
have to be a Delco as*h*le.
I've been questioning all
of this quietly for years.
Years.
Because you never let me
say what was on my mind.
And I never wanted
to let you down.
And if I have, I'm sorry.
But I can't bullshit
this anymore.
Woo.
[slow clap]
Go, Birds.
This is definitely
the longest time
I've ever spent in a church.
Well, you've got a long
way to go to beat my record.
Hey.
I'm proud of you.
Oh, really?
For what?
Humiliating myself?
Alienating my community,
k*lling my future?
Well, yeah, it is
pretty impressive you did
all that in one day, but no.
I'm proud of you for
speaking your mind.
Thank you.
And thanks for helping
me live for one night.
Hey, Reverend.
I'm really sorry that you
came all this way for that.
REVEREND: Nonsense.
Don't worry about it.
Are you and my dad
finished speaking?
Where is he?
He-- he left for the day.
Oh.
Son, I want to
tell you, I think
that was the most honest
sermon I've ever heard.
What?
It sounded a bit
more like a confession,
but it was still honest.
So you're not angry?
No.
Everybody doubts.
Everybody questions.
Everybody has their own journey
to go through in this life.
Maybe if more people
were honest like you,
we wouldn't be so
afraid to talk about it.
Really?
I'm shocked you're OK with this.
Well, I've struggled with
doubt once or twice in my life.
Should I still go
to Delco Biblical?
Do you think you should?
No.
Listen, son.
This life isn't for everybody.
I want you to think about it.
Take some time.
And if you still think this is
something you want to pursue,
give me a call any time.
No pressure.
Thank you, Reverend.
And hey, you don't
have to die in Delco.
I know it's not hell, but
it's pretty darn close.
[gentle music]
Thank you for
not cutting my mic.
It's the least I could do.
You let me humiliate
myself all day yesterday.
What kind of friend would I be
if I didn't return the favor?
I love you, brother.
I'm going to go make
sure my dad got home OK.
Catch you guys later.
[gentle music]
I'm sorry.
About everything.
Are you serious?
Thank you for everything.
I'm never going to
forget last night.
Yeah, I'm not either.
But you did miss one
thing on your list.
What was that?
Yeah, well, yeah.
That's OK.
I mean, if you want, but I--
[gentle music]
What do you want to do now?
What do I want to do now?
I'm really hungry.
Me too.
I'm really tired.
I'm really tired.
But I'm more
hungry than tired.
Oh, wait, there's
this new place
that we should go check out.
As long as it's
not in Delco, I'm in.
Well, it is in Delco.
Everything's in Delco, so.
That's my whole thing.
It's the center
of the universe.
No.
Come on.
Oh.
Actually, you know what?
I don't know if
Conshohocken is in Delco,
but that's where we're going.
Oh my God, I've always
wanted to go to Conshohocken.
I know you did.
It's the big city.
Oh.
Well, it's not-- it's
nothing compared to KOP but--
Oh, my gosh, that mall
makes the Granite Run
look like dookie.
(SINGING) Oh, I just want to
be the one to hold your purse
I don't know if it's love
But I'm not sure that
I've got the words
For the way that I feel
I just know that it's
real and true, woo
I just want to be the
one to drive you home
Listening to records and
not beat the records at dawn
I know we're insane
about each other, babe
But I play it cool, woo
Cause all I got
Are these all in love
All I want is all of yours
I want to be the one, the one
Oh, I just want to be
the one, the one, the one
Oh, I just want to be the one,
the one, the one, the one,
the one.
RYAN SEACREST (ON TV) Your
American Idol, Fantasia Barrino.
And tears all over this
theater in Hollywood.
Congratulations again.
This shows so much
better with the funny host.
It sucks now.
Who watches this sh*t?
This show's so f*cking stupid.
Why do you make me
watch this crap?
I'll never get that hour back.
I think I-- I feel my IQ drop
20 points watching that stupid
show you wanted me to watch.
I feel my-- my soul just
slipped out of my as*h*le.
I felt it.
It slipped out of my as*h*le,
and it's in between the cushions
now.
You did that.
Why would you do
that to your father?
Go get me some chips.
[lively music]
(SINGING) A Delco girl
don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it--
Drive was good.
Yeah, come on down tomorrow,
you'll see the new place.
It'll be good.
Thanks, Dad.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
You drink now?
No.
Virgin mimosa?
All right.
ADAM: Thank you.
Can I get you guys anything?
JESS: Yeah, I'll have
a perfect pint, please.
I'll have the same.
Ah, yes, of course.
A virgin with a mimosa.
ADAM: If you tried
it, you would like it.
Rihanna, stop, stop.
I am spending quality
time with him.
What are you talking about?
He's here.
You know, I can't
believe you guys actually
came back to Delco.
Yeah, you know,
it's been a few years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Figure, what's the harm?
JESS: Yeah, and we got this cute
little place up in Drexel Hill.
Are y'all serious right now?
Are we really playing
video games at the bar?
The DS has, like,
so many more games.
MITCH: Look at this PSP.
Look at this beautiful rectangle
made by the gods themselves.
ANITA: Wow, shapes
are so cool, so fun.
It's a big shape.
Yeah, yeah.
But we're just going
to be here temporary.
Yes, it's very temporary.
Yeah.
Wow, I know everybody
in this bar.
Say nerd one more time.
One more time.
Cheers.
WAYNE: Thank you.
Cheers.
DASH: I got him a drink.
No, I got him water.
No.
I recognize every
single face here.
[chatter]
DASH: That's how we--
oh.
Again with this?
We're still doing this?
BOTH: We're going to die here.
Every single one of us is.
[chatter]
To Delco.
ADAM: To Delco
[melancholic music]
(RAPPING) Scattered
notes coast to coast
Make up only one page,
So I thought I'd write a book
But that would never take shape
It always seemed to me like
there was something missing
Like a make out party when
you're all out of kisses
Or like, my camera roll
When you are all out pictures
So I emptied out my drawers
And I emptied out my kitchen
Get all my records
and I pack my clothes
Yo, it's been fun but now it's
time for me to get back home
So I jumped in my car
and I headed back East
With my dad occupying
up the passenger seat
These cities, they so quickly
through my rearview mirror
Drove through the night
as my body got nearer
To a place with cheeseteaks
and the Eagles that soar
And where Pop Pop's spaghetti
is better than yours
Yo, it's a fine state
and a state of mind
The social club that you love
I heart L5
Yo, here's to summer
All the days and nights
All the babes and fights
and blue skies are so right
I dropped my things,
and I grabbed my phone
And I learned real quick
that you can't spell home
Without second chances,
and regrets, oh no, home
Without all your
family and your friends
Yo, you can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
Can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
Can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
Without bofires
and all the things
that are so tough to find again
You can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
You can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
You can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
Well, I could write a song
And load it up with cliches
I can talk about your eyes
And I could talk about your face
But quite frankly,
there isn't a need
I'll play on your
body like piano keys
In the morning when you wake up
There is one thing I know
The headline's going to read
that Goldie stole the whole show
I was out the door
before you rose today
Cause I had to get my
body back inside of PA
And before you knew it, I had
found my way back to my bedroom
My posters and my hat
rack with the trains
marked clearly Matthew
Not moving, no motion,
appeared to be dead
But clearly just dream
and a voice in his head
Do you tell me all the things
that you will think about?
Well, do you think
it's in streets
Is it in bodies or blood
All the space filled up with
the gentle hum Of pop songs
Yo, here's to movement
and the steps involved
Without second chances
and regrets, oh no, home
Without all your
family and your friends
So you can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
You can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
You can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
Without first time
goodbyes and hello new life
Oh, no, you can't spell
home without Pennsylvania
You can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
You can't spell home
without Pennsylvania
Hard not to love all the
beaches and the highways
The Midwestern and
the Southern states
But I don't care where
my body even ends up
My heart will stay
in Pennsylvania
Hard not to love all the
beaches and the highways
The Midwest and
the Southern states
But I don't care where
my body even ends up
My heart will stay
in Pennsylvania.
Horrible.
It was crazy.
Oh my God.
You're great, you're great.
Why did I do this already?
Because you love us.
You're a good man.
You're going to heaven.
You are.
That a smile I see?
Smile.
He has a smile on.
[chatter]
(SINGING) A Delco girl
don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it slow
Out in Drexel Hill, she's
hanging at the Bonner Fair
In Springfield and
Clifton Heights
You can find her there
In Ardmore, we go dance
Out in Havertown we prance
Up and down Brookline
Boulevard without a care
At them docks, them
girls are pretty
Out in Montgomery, those
girls sure love their fellows
Philly does its part, but the
girl that steals your heart
She's from Delco
And there's one
thing you gotta know
Delco girl don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it slow
She know exactly what she knows
A Delco girl don't take it slow
You best be prepared to go.
But a Delco girl
don't take it slow
Sure she likes to
play it innocent
And all the words you said
They just kind of came and went
But there's
something in her eyes
That cut you down to size
And you realize that she
still knows what you meant
A Delco girl don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it slow
She know exactly what she know
But a Delco girl
don't take it slow
You best must be prepared to go
Cause a Delco girl don't
Now back up at that little
old house on the hill
Where they tore down the trees
But the memories are there still
Standing on that path, kiss
a Catholic girl and laugh
All those fallen winter nights
were a young man's thrill
At them docks, them
girls are pretty
Out in Montgomery, those
girls sure love their fellows
Philly does its part, but the
girl that steals your heart
She's from Delco
And a Delco girl
don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it slow
She know exactly what she know
But a Delco girl
don't take it slow
You must be prepared to go
Cause a Delco girl
don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it slow
A Delco girl don't take it slow
She know exactly what she know
But a Delco girl
don't take it slow
You best be prepared to go
Cause a Delco girl
don't take it slow.
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Delco: The Movie (2025)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341