02x06 - Nice Guys Finish First

[bunniefuu]

- [whistles] - Let's go, everybody!

Picture time!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ In the Loud house - Come on!

- ♪ The really Loud house ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The really Loud house ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, looks like Zia's here.

You need to take a couple of deep breaths before we go in.

- [scoffs] No.

Actually, I do.

I'm crazy about Lynn's friend Zia,

but Lynn's not too crazy about that idea.

So I've had to play it pretty cool around the house.

both: Yes!

- Hey, string cheese buddies.

What's up, string cheese?

Oh. I guess we're having an attic party.

What's up, soccer ba*ls?

- Agh!

[groans]

Ugh!

- [breathes deeply]

I told you, Clyde.

I'm fine with the girl of my dreams

who I like and also likes me

but neither of us are allowed to show it

constantly being at my house.

- I don't know, man. I think it's A.

- Could be. I mean--

- Hey, guys.

- Cool backpack.

- What, this old thing?

- Oof!

[groans]

This is not sustainable.

You gotta figure something out.

- The Big Dog's got this.

- Where do you get your unwavering confidence?

- Big Dog's got this.

- Bi--Big Dog?

- Big Dog. Big Dog.

- Are you sure? Because I can just

put off the girls' trip.

- No, no, no, I'm on top of things.

- Remember, Lily has to be potty trained

before I get back, or else she can't get into...

pre-- - Preschool.

Right, I know. - And remember,

Leni's grounded, so she--

- Can't go to school. - No.

That's the only place she can go.

- Ah. - And Lisa has that--

- Science competition. - No, playdate.

Remember, the school said she was falling behind socially

because she's reading all the time?

- Right, right, right. - Oh, and the twins--

- There's two of 'em.

- Yeah.

They want that, um-- - Aboveground pool.

- Cat. - Cat?

Another cat? - Yeah, that stray.

It was in the house for one day, and it did this.

- Sweater.

- Used to be a sweater.

Listen, no matter how much they beg,

do not let that cat into this house.

And I know you like to be the nice guy,

but you gotta resist that urge while I'm gone, okay?

Especially with Lily.

She has got to be potty trained,

or she's not going to school.

- [exhales] A lot of pressure.

I feel like I should have written that down.

- You sure you got this? - Yes.

- You feeling confident? - Yes.

- Can the twins have a cat?

- Yes.

Oh, I see what you did there.

Don't worry. While you're gone,

I am gonna be tough but fair.

- Don't be fair.

- Fair enough.

I mean, not fair enough. You know I mean.

Okay, I got this. I love you.

I love you. Have a wonderful trip.

Say hi to the girls for me.

- Okay, bye! - [chuckles]

[sighs]

No and no.

[overlapping begging]

Ah, ah! No begging.

Sometimes you just have to accept the fact

that the answer is...no.

- No!

- [sighs] Please?

Okay, listen. Before you came along,

your mom and I agreed that each of us would

potty train five of the kids.

I did zero, and your mom did ten--

and Leni twice, but that's a story for another day.

The point is, if I don't potty train you

by the time Mommy gets home,

I will have failed as a father.

So what do you say, huh, Lily?

- [straining] - Can we...

do this together?

- [farts]

- I'm gonna get the wipes.

- Good idea.

- So here's the thing about me being grounded.

I am a social being.

- No. - But I--

- Being social is not the only thing in life.

Start reading a book.

Stop reading that book.

You need to be more social.

Thank you.

- Hey, Lola, did you know cats can lower stress and anxiety?

- That's amazing, Lana.

I'd be crazy to say no to that.

- But wait, there's more.

Cats also improve cardiovascular health

and reduce loneliness.

- Lower stress and reduce loneliness?

I can't afford all that.

- What if I told you you could have a cat today

for the low, low price of nothing?

- I'd have to ask my dad.

I would never want to do anything

without his permission.

- Me neither.

[cat meows]

- [sighs]

[cat meows and purrs]

No.

- [sighs]

both: We're wearing him down.

[bright music]

♪ ♪

- What if I pretend to be in a coma?

When Lynn comes to the hospital,

you tell her my last wish is to be with Zia.

She'll have to say yes. Boom!

I come out of the coma and hold her to it.

Fake a coma.

It's brilliant.

- Didn't you use the fake coma

to get out of cleaning the gutters?

- Oh, yeah.

Okay, I've been saving this plan as a last resort.

But we need a sure thing.

And now is the time to use it.

[action music]

♪ ♪

Okay, I...

fake a coma.

Darn it!

- Okay, Lincoln, this might sound crazy,

but what if you just asked Lynn if you can date Zia?

- [scoffs]

You're right.

I just have to convince Lynn that I really like Zia

and that I'm not just trying to steal her friend away.

But that won't be hard because I really do like her.

And you've seen the way she looks at me.

- I see it all the time.

- So all I have to do is tell Lynn the truth?

- Yeah.

- Usually my plans involve layers and layers

of chicanery and deceit.

But I've never considered

just sincerely asking for what I want.

I'm gonna do it, Clyde.

It's the perfect idea.

There's no way she can say no.

- No.

- Why don't you sleep on it?

- ♪ No, no, no, no, no [rooster crows]

♪ No, no, no ♪

- No.

- Maybe after you've had some breakfast.

- ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

- No. - ♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no ♪

- No.

- ♪ No, no! ♪

- No.

- I am just gonna go get the mail.

- No.

- ♪ No, no, no, no, no [cat meows]

♪ No, no, no - No!

- No! - ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no [phone buzzing]

♪ No, no, no, no, no - No.

- ♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

- Any luck?

- No. [music stops]

- [sighs] I guess you're just

not gonna win this one.

- That's it, Clyde.

- What? - Win.

The only thing that Lynn respects is winning.

I'm gonna challenge Lynn to a contest.

If I win, I get to date Zia.

If you win, I'll never ask again.

What do you say?

- Yes.

[shot clock buzzes]

- [whimpering]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- That's an even hundred slaps.

Want to quit?

- Joke's on you.

I can't even feel my hands anymore.

Let's play a different game.

- Nope.

You lose.

Have fun notdating my friend.

- What are you, chicken?

[dramatic music]

Bawk, bawk!

- Bring it on.

- Right this way, Your Highness.

Your royal throne awaits.

- No!

- Hey, come on, Lily.

You can do this.

You don't need Poopy Panda.

You're a big girl now.

You are the queen of Pooplandia.

- [strains]

[farts]

- I'll get the wipes.

- You better do that.

- Trouble in Pooplandia?

- Only two days till Mom gets home.

You must be feeling the pressure.

- What do you want?

- You know what we want.

- It starts with a C and ends with an A-T-E.

- That spells Cate.

- That's 'cause we named the cat Cate.

- That's confusing. - It wouldn't be

if we all got to know her.

- You help us, and we'll help you potty train Lily.

- I don't need your help.

- That's not what I smell.

- Here's the deal. Lana's potty trained

over a hundred animals.

And with my pageant background,

I can whip Lily into shape in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

- I've also potty trained a lamb,

and you should never shake them by their tails.

- No dice. I promised your mom

I would not let that cat in this house.

[playful music]

Lily!

♪ ♪

She pooped in the tub. You have a deal.

- OMG! That is so funny.

I love socializing with you.

We should definitely meet up for a milkshake

and continue this rewarding fraternizing.

- I would also love to get a milkshake with you

and reciprocate your fraternization

to celebrate our--

- [sighs] Hi, Todd.

- Hello, parental unit.

- Having trouble?

- No.

- Only two days until Mom gets home.

You must be feeling the heat.

- [sighs] What do you want?

- You know what I want.

And I know what you need.

You need her to stop R-E-E-D-I-N-G.

- [whispers] It's spelled with an A.

- Oh, I bet she gets a lot of As

with all that reading she's doing.

Not many friends though.

So here's the deal.

You un-ground me. I take her to the mall

with my friends, do some shopping,

and teach her to be social.

- Okay, look, she's fine.

Ah, look at her.

She's already got a new hobby.

It won't be long before she and her friends

are birdwatching together.

[laughs] What do you see out there, Einstein,

a cardinal, a spruce grouse?

Huh? Yeah, let me see.

Come on. Here we go.

Here's the--

[sighs]

You're un-grounded.

But don't let her read any books.

[upbeat music]

- Knock yourself out.

See you in five hours.

- Make it six.

- Oh, and don't forget this.

- What's this?

- This is the headband we bought together

on our fun day of socializing.

- Ahh.

- Okay, so where are we thinking first?

[chatter continues indistinctly]

[whistle blows]

- Okay, let's play fair.

And may the best Loud win.

- I'm gonna call you Eggs

'cause you're so easy to beat.

- I'm gonna call you Lynn 'cause...that's your name.

[upbeat rock music]

[groans]

♪ ♪

Aah!

[groans]

- Can't catch me.

- ♪ I can't take no more ♪

- Come and get it. Come and get the flag.

♪ ♪

- [screams]

- All right, Lily.

You're not just dealing with Dad anymore.

You're dealing with professionals.

- So what's it gonna take?

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I can't take no more [pony whinnies]

- Nay!

[rooster crows]

- I don't know if it's possible to win at losing,

but you're doing a really good job of it.

- Well, that ends today, sister.

I don't have to beat you at a sport.

I just have to beat you at something.

- Let's do this.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- [grunts] It burns!

- ♪ I can't take no more ♪

♪ ♪

[music stops]

- [panting]

- So what are we telling Dad we did today?

- We listened to some cool new songs.

That's social.

- This is sonically pleasing.

- Mm-hmm. Learn the words.

- ♪ It's hump day, hump day ♪

♪ Stupid week's almost done day ♪

Is this song about female empowerment?

- Yes, and Wednesdays.

- Interesting it's pronounced "Wens-day,"

but it's spelled "Wed-nes-day."

- Yep.

Just move your shoulders like this.

- ♪ It's hump day, hump day ♪

[both giggle]

♪ I know we can get there one day ♪

- You got it?

- I got it.

- See you in five hours.

Let's go, guys. Shop, shop!

[indistinct chattering]

- No!

- [sighs]

- What else you guys got?

- We've tried every technique we've ever learned.

- I guess she's just gonna have to be an outdoor kid.

- Lily, please.

Your mom's gonna be back tomorrow.

- No potty!

[phone ringing]

- Agh, it's your mom.

Uh... [clears throat]

Hey, honey.

Everything's great here.

Can't wait to see you tomorrow.

- I'm coming home tonight.

- Tonight? - Uh-oh.

- [sighs] Four of the girls got food poisoning,

so we cut the trip short.

I need you to pick me up at the airport in an hour.

- An hour?

- Is that okay?

- You're in trouble.

- Uh, yeah, sure, just wish it was sooner.

[chuckles] I guess we'll have to wait.

- How are the kids doing?

Have you been tough?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, way tough,

you know, super extra tough-- and unfair.

And it was a big no on that cat.

[cat meows] Uh...

- Ah, that's the last thing we need, another cat.

- [whispers] Stop hanging around.

[normally] Hey, what happened to you?

- What happened to who?

- Uh...

uh, Lincoln, he must've had a growth spurt.

He looks fantastic.

He's a vision in orange. [chuckles]

And Lily loves her potty.

- How's Leni doing? Can I talk to her?

- [splutters] No. No, you cannot talk to her,

because she is not allowed to use the phone.

Because I said so, young lady!

Life of the bad guy.

- Well, can I talk to Lisa then?

- Lisa? You could, uh,

if she wasn't so busy socializing.

- Hey! - Oh--

- [whispers] Where is Lisa?

- Oh, no.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- You are so re-grounded!

- This is all my fault.

Mom's right.

I am too nice.

- No, you're not. - Stop saying that.

- You are perfect. - Aw.

You guys really think so?

Ding dang darn it, I'm doing it again!

Leni, you're coming with me to the airport to pick up Mom.

But first, we're gonna swing by the mall and grab Lisa.

- Ooh, the mall.

- Okay, it's not the time.

You two, clean up your cat's mess,

put Lily's potty away, and go to bed.

Lincoln, I don't want your mom to see you like that.

I'm already in enough trouble.

Let's get to work, people!

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

[door opens] I love you guys.

Sweet dreams. Dessert's in the fridge.

[blowing kisses]

- We're really letting the poor guy down.

- We don't have to let him down.

There's still time.

- Yeah, we can potty train Lily.

- And, Lincoln, you can help us clean this mess up, right?

- Every bone in my body hurts, but I can try.

- Let's do this.

[triumphant music]

[cat meows]

- Lisa? - Lisa?

- Lisa? Oh!

Thank goodness you're alive.

- I am so sorry!

You must be starving. - It's okay.

I went through the garbage and found

a piece of chewed-up gum and some melted ice.

It is securely locked.

- Maybe we should call security.

- There's no time.

I'm gonna have to pick the lock.

Leni, empty your purse.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Okay, here we go.

Hair clip.

Makeup mirror.

Gum.

- This is exciting.

Turns out I could slip right through.

- Let's go to the airport.

- You don't need these anymore, Lily.

- I do.

- This is tough love, Lily,

but Poopy Panda's going away.

[cat yowls]

- No!

[cat meows]

- It's just a box.

- It's Poopy Panda.

I love Poopy Panda.

He's my friend.

- Oh, my gosh, that's it.

- Is that why you didn't want to get rid of your diapers?

- Yes.

- Because that means

she wouldn't get to see Poopy Panda anymore.

- I love Poopy Panda.

- Do you guys think Mom will notice my face

if I wear this hockey helmet?

- You thinking what I'm thinking?

- Always.

["Hump Day" playing on radio]

- It was undercooked chicken.

Sheryl threw up in the pool.

It was a whole thing.

Anyway, I hope your weekend was better than mine.

- Yeah, uh, about that,

there's something I need to tell you.

[both giggling] The, um--

- Well, somebody had a fun time.

both: ♪ It's hump day, hump day ♪

♪ Stupid week's almost done day ♪

♪ I know we can get there one day ♪

♪ Hump day, hump day ♪

- Is my bookworm singing a pop song

and wearing a super fun headband?

This is incredible.

- It was all Dad's idea.

He said for me to take Lisa out

and expand her horizons.

As soon as I figured out what that meant, it was easy.

both: ♪ It's hump day, hump day ♪

♪ We don't need to wait till Friday ♪

♪ All of my peeps get pumped day ♪

♪ Hump day, hump day ♪

- You're a genius.

- Eh, I have my moments. [chuckles]

- Shoulder, shoulder, shoulder,

shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder...

- I told 'em to clean up the yard.

I'm not sure why all this-- - So what genius thing

did you come up with to potty train Lily?

- Oh, about that, I, uh--

I need to tell you something.

- I pooped in the potty!

- Lily, I'm so proud of you!

And I'm so proud of you. How did you do it?

- I, uh--

- He figured out that Lily wasn't afraid to go potty.

- She was afraid of losing her friend, the Poopy Panda.

- Lincoln, what happened to you?

- Mom, that's not Lincoln.

- That's Poopy Panda.

It was Dad's idea to dress Lincoln up like him.

- Where do you come up with all these ideas?

- Ah, I don't know.

Sometimes I even surprise myself.

- [goofy voice] Lily promised me she'd

poop on the potty from now on.

Any time she needs me, I'll just...

come down the chimney.

- Down the chimney!

- I'm sorry I ever doubted my nice guy.

- [chuckles] You know what they say,

nice guys finish first.

So, uh, you probably need some rest, huh?

Let's, uh-- let's get you to bed, huh?

[no audible dialogue]

Ha ha ha.

Here we go--[gasps] [cat yowls]

How about some tea, you know, for your--

for your tum-tum, huh?

- Aw. [chuckles] - [mouthing words]

- Ginger works best for stomach pains.

- So where's Lincoln?

- Lincoln is the Poopy Panda.

[bright music]

- Guess who just had her first day of preschool?

- Me! - Aww,

congratulations, Pumpkin.

Good job.

- The mall went dark.

I was all alone.

I had nothing but my trusty headband

and a handful of change from the wishing fountain.

And I had but one wish,

to survive.

- You didn't read this in a book?

- This actually happened?

- Yes.

And I learned a new song.

- ♪ Hump day both: ♪ Hump day ♪

♪ Stupid week's almost done day ♪

♪ I know we can get there one day ♪

♪ Hump day, hump day ♪

♪ Hump day ♪

- You are my knight in shining armor.

- Mm. [chuckles]

- I guess sometimes nice guys do finish first.

And this nice guy was about to win one

for nice guys everywhere.

[dramatic music]

[both yelling]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

[weakly] Two out of three?

- You're seriously not giving up?

- Never.

- You're a nice guy, Lincoln.

And anyone who would take this much punishment

just to ask my friend out on a date

deserves at least a shot.

- I'm still a little dizzy from the fall,

but are you saying what I think you're saying?

- Go ask her, Lincoln.

Aw, come here.

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

- Zia, will you go out with me?

- I'd love to.

- Atta boy!

- Do you want to go for a walk or something?

- I don't know.

Maybe we could just sit here awhile.

- Lincoln, I have to go poop.

- Ah. I gotta go put on my panda costume.

- Don't worry. I've got this one, buddy.

Come on, Lily.

- Thanks, Poopy Panda!

- Maybe when I'm feeling better,

we could go for ice cream?

- Yeah. - Oh, dude, I love ice cream.

What's your favorite flavor? - Chocolate, definitely.

[chatter continues indistinctly]

- ♪ Hump day, hump day ♪

♪ Stupid week's almost done day ♪

♪ I know we can get there one day ♪

♪ Hump day, hump day ♪

♪ Hump day, hump day ♪

♪ We don't need to wait till Friday ♪

♪ All my favorite peeps get pumped day ♪

♪ Hump day, hump day ♪

♪ ♪