Influenced (2026)

[bunniefuu]

Welcome

to New York City,

the capital of the world.

Ew, gag wad, not Times Square!

That's for crusty Elmo costumes

and fanny-packing tourists.

Uptown, please. Much better.

Here's my little slice

of the juicy Big Apple.

The Upper East Side.

We've got it all.

Blonde WASPs,

rhinoplasty patients,

crypto bros, third wife hoes,

bums, mums.

If aliens landed

on Fifth Avenue,

they think the dominant

form of life was nannies.

But I digress.

My name is Dzanielle.

I was one of those

people who said

they grew up 20 minutes

from the City,

but really it was

an hour and a half.

I finally clawed my way

to the 212 and never left.

I'm a mom-fluencer

with 999,000 followers.

I'm gonna get to a mil

if it f*cking kills me.

I have famous actors

who follow me, models,

but mostly it's moms

and gays who want to see

the Upper East Side lifestyle.

This is my street.

I've just come

from my fave market, Eli's.

#GrilledArtichokeBottoms.

71 bucks a pound, but worth it.

Who wants to mess up their

Tom Ford come-f*ck-me

red lipstick on the leaves?

If Marty Scorsese can make

an entire "Netflick"

about Fran "I Never Heard

of Moisturizer" Lebowitz,

then I can have

my own Dzanielle movie.

- Dzanielle, look here!

- Beautiful!

Okay, now I want a full shot!

For those of us

who don't work--

like work in an office--

we throw ourselves

into philanthropy.

Some are intimate

ladies-who-lunch things,

and some are huge galas,

so big even the kinetic c**ts

from Greenwich schlep in.

Guess what?

I went out and got the face mask

and used it

and it worked wonders.

It's like, legit skin

of a fetus afterwards.

I am so glad. There's something

really grodisime in it,

like snail jizz.

- But that sh*t works.

- Well...

No, look at you,

Guantanamo slay.

-Can we take a picture together?

-Of course.

-Okay.

-My assistant Caroline

has my selfie.

-Can I borrow--

Thanks, Caroline.

-I can't miss this moment.

Dzanielle! Dzanielle!

Bye, honey.

I'll DM you my number.

Love her!

Obesity

doesn't just affect humans,

which is why Lipo For Manatees

needs your help.

Um, hi.

My entire family, like,

worships your Instagram.

-Can I trouble you

for a quick selfie?

-Of course!

The packed

social season is where

I see all my friends and fans

and connect with everyone

while looking fab

to raise money

for a good cause.

Thank you for supporting FAB,

the Food Allergy Ball.

Capri is the Nantucket of Italy,

and we must fight to SCIRF.

So grateful you could

all join me today at the

12th Annual FUTI Luncheon,

to fight

urinary tract infections.

Ladies, burning clits

are no joke.

But the highlight of

my life is none of that.

It's my family.

My two amazing kids,

Jared and Dakota,

are the lights of my life.

And, well, I used to have

an amazing husband,

but now I have

a beautiful divorce,

-since a year and half ago.

-Hello.

Hi, my loves!

How was your dad's?

My bar mitzvah tutoring goes

by so slowly. It's t*rture.

-Jared.

-Natalay!

-Hi. Hi.

-Hi.

Oh.

I still love him,

but he cheated on me,

so also I despise him.

You said I should

get my boobs done!

No, no, no, bullshit.

You said, and I quote,

"Do you think

I should get a boob job?"

And I said that I supported you.

You didn't tell me

that we wouldn't be able

to touch each other for a month.

I'm not Gandhi.

I'm pretty sure

he was like a sex addict,

and he banged his niece.

That can't be true.

Okay, well, whatever, a priest.

-Have you seen Spotlight ?

-I knew that was a bad example.

It meant nothing.

It wasn't a big deal.

You have to believe me,

I love you.

You're making a mountain

out of a molehill.

Going to the special massage

place is not a f*cking molehill.

Just jerk off

like everybody else.

You couldn't even

make it a month without

getting a happy ending shiatsu?

-You suggested the place.

-I was joking!

Okay, I should...

I should probably get going.

I had to perp walk

a V.P. out of the office

for using the company card on...

Charming.

I have a really big day, too.

I'm meeting with General Mills.

They want to sponsor a post,

and then Bronson Van Wyck,

the event planner

for the party.

You know...

I think it might be nice if...

I was involved

a little in the planning

of the b'nai mitzvah.

The kids are so excited. It's

the biggest day of their lives,

and, you know,

I wouldn't want you

doing everything by yourself.

Oh, I got it covered.

I'm gonna do like,

a whole kids area

with

the Dylan's Candy bar pop up,

and then stations

with, like, pigs in blankets

and sliders, only bigger.

Okay.

Okay. Kids, I have to get going.

All right. Oh, sweetheart.

This last year has

been hard on Jared and Dakota.

Since our divorce, we've been

playing a game of guilt chess.

His big move was giving us

our dog, Natalay.

Natalay.

Come, come. Come, come.

Come, come. Natalay!

My community

of followers

has really gotten

me through some tough times.

Especially when

my cousin/best friend,

Kim, moved to California

during her

midlife crisis in search of

spiritual enlightenment,

right after my divorce

was final.

I was gonna

call you yesterday.

I did this ayahuasca trip

with this shaman in Topanga,

and it was a-f*cking-mazing!

I mean, I vomited all over

the chick next to me,

and I was, like,

diarrhea-ing out of my as*h*le.

But I fit into my high school

jeans the next morning.

Sounds great.

I'm trying to embrace

a new chapter

and Marie Kondo

my life to spark joy.

In your town, you might

make friends

at your church

or your little cul-de-sac,

but here it's all about

your kids' private school.

That's how I met

my pedicure posse.

It was so stressful.

We get home, we're totally

drenched, drowned rats.

I bust into my bedroom,

and my nanny is in bed

shtufing my massage therapist.

I'm deceased!

So, I fire them

on the literal spots

they were 69-ing on,

on my 2000 thread counts.

Now, I have no nanny

and no massage therapist.

My rectum muscles are k*lling

me! I'm so uncomfortable.

Karen. So sorry.

Do you mind

making the corners,

like,

less square and more rounded?

-I call it squoval.

-Yes, Ms. Dzanielle.

Uh, time out.

Your nails are amazing.

-What color is that?

-It's three layers.

One coat of hot tub harlot,

one coat of Tinkerbell's Labia

and one coat

of elevator blowjob.

Trs chic.

It's just, planning the

b'nai mitzvah has been so crazy.

The theme,

by the way, is candy.

And I've been begging to get

one of those viral TikTok cakes.

Wedding size.

You know the rainbow

when you slice into it

and it shits out Skittles?

Oh, look.

It's my baby, Voltaire.

Hi, Voltaire.

Hello, Voltaire, Care Bear.

Wait. Hold on. Oh, my God.

-Your dog is walked by Yuki?

-The one and only.

I texted him,

and he just never wrote me back.

Is he, like, that busy?

He accepts no one.

Jessica Chastain is wait-listed.

He's so sexy.

He's like an Asian Harry Styles

mixed with an Asian Idris Elba.

I heard he does omakase

five times a week.

Yeah, and he gets front row

seats at Fashion Week.

Oh, and Matt Damon goes to him

for life coaching.

Yuki, what would I do

without you, man?

-You're my sage.

-You have to let it go, Matt.

He monitors

every single dog log

for fecal consistency

and disease control,

then every Friday

sends me a laminated report

in a leather-bound

monogram notebook.

He's 1,500 a week,

per pooch.

So...

McKinley,

would you ever consider

speaking to Yuki

on our behalf?

Natalay is

a thoroughbred Pomeranian.

She's from those l*sbian

breeders in Wisconsin.

They have

a seven-year wait list.

Oh, I love the l*sbian breeders.

They're so focused.

I'm afraid I'm not going

to be able to do it

because if it doesn't

work out, it'll reflect

poorly on Voltaire, and...

I'm sorry. You understand?

Yeah, of course.

You guys, work is insane

for me right now.

Being a matchmaker for

high net worth individuals,

Spring is the season.

One of my clients

is over there right now.

-You set up the Hammermans?

-Mm-hmm.

-I always wondered

where he found her.

-In a crib.

You guys,

she's right there. Be quiet.

Whatever. It's not like English

is her first language.

His late wife, Maud Hammerman,

was the height of taste.

Blagdanorova is not like us,

and it's not because she's

from Czechoslovakia or whatever.

It's because she's flashy,

she's cheesy.

She's super rich,

but she's tacky super rich.

Nouveau.

Yeah, but I mean,

you could say that about me.

I'm from Long Island.

One doesn't necessarily

have to have old money,

but one has to have some sense

of refinement.

I heard she tried

to bribe my abalone

dealer to cut the wait list.

All right, ladies,

I should go.

I have my BBC Studios class.

-It's been a plezh.

-Yes!

And I'll see you all on Thursday

at Eliza's very,

very wonderful cause.

-Bye, Dzanielle.

-Namaste. Bye.

My membership

to New York's top

agony-focused bespoke trainers

will help me release some of

this tension I'm feeling.

Sometimes it feels like

my IRL friends

don't even care about my RL.

And the way they were talking

about Blagdanorova

was just so mean.

Talking sh*t on people can be

fun when they deserve it,

but she didn't do

anything to them.

What clams!

Come on!

Do you want a fupa?

That's a fat upper p*ssy area!

You don't want that.

Um, FYI, my daughter, Dakota,

said that fupa's canceled now.

Apparently, we're supposed

to use the term "gunt."

Shut the f*ck up!

Damn, she's the best.

Push, unless you

want those back wings.

You want to look like

that flying rodent

that gave us the g*dd*mn plague?

I mean, they're my friends

and everything,

but they were so catty

casting aspersions

on this poor woman

just because she's different.

And, like, what are they saying

about me behind my back?

-It's a good question.

-We all live in the same nabe.

Why can't we just Sesame Street

this sh*t and get along?

Okay, now, feet together for me.

Deep breath.

And exhale.

Ow. Pierre, be careful.

I just got my vajay re-tightened

at V-Spot.

- Hmm.

- My cooter was so stretched out,

you could insert a tampon

with a t-shirt cannon.

Why didn't you just

C-section those babies

like the rest of my clients?

Hello. Obviously, I booked

a cesarean. I'm not an animal.

But Jared had other plans.

He was crowning in the lobby.

- Holy sh*t.

- f*cking kids.

But it's so worth it.

I love my little semen demons.

My box was busted,

but now I'm re-virginized.

The m*rder*d ghost

of Jeffrey Epstein

would rise up

and beg to f*ck me.

They do asses?

I f*cked up my nails

and had to go get another coat

of Tinker Bell's Labia.

While I was sitting there,

I realized

there's room

in this town for everyone,

and excluding people

because they aren't like you

is the lamest.

So, I decided to become

the Mr. Rogers

of East 74th Street.

Hi, how are you?

Good afternoon.

You're Mrs. Hammerman's...

I'm Connor, the house manager.

What can I do for you?

Oh, hi, I'm Dzanielle. I'm just

dropping off this invitation.

Sorry, I just had my nails done.

Still tacky.

- Mm-hmm.

- Thanks.

I'm having a luncheon,

and if you

could just give her that for me.

Thank you.

Of course, madam.

Come, come.

Thank you, Connor.

How's Mr. Hammerman

holding up today?

Making the Cryptkeeper look like

Timothe f*cking Chalamet.

Aw, is that my baby?

That's my baby!

What's this?

"Please join me..."

Oh, my God.

Is the happiest lady! She

invited me for ladies' luncheon!

Yes! Oh, would you please call

my hair and make-up peoples?

Oh! What I wear?

What I wear? Morty!

Morty!

Oh, my angel.

Hello, morning, darling.

You look so beautiful, my love.

-How are you feeling?

-Better, now seeing you.

Morty.

And look, she invite me.

Ahh.

I always feel invisible

with these people.

Blaggi,

most people, they're jealous.

They don't know us.

They don't know you.

They don't know what a kind,

beautiful heart you have.

Oh, are you okay?

Should I call nurse?

Nurse! Oh, no.

I need to rest

a little bit, my love.

-Okay.

-All right.

I love you.

Okay.

I'll be back after you take nap.

I see you later, and I...

I feed you soups.

Okay.

I knew

I was doing the right thing

by including Blagdanorova.

I watched the master class

in hostage negotiation,

so I knew damn well how

to make everything copacetic

while rocking out

my new Alice and Olivia.

#OOTD, #Partner, #AD.

Mike! How's that

Knicks game last night?

It was

a g*dd*mn embarrassment.

-Ma'am.

-Hi, Mike.

Where in Satan's

hairy nut sack is my Uber?

Hey, could you spare a dollar?

I'm not a junkie.

I just need money for food.

Oh, I would, but I'm late

for a charity lunch.

You could buy me

a charity lunch.

Is that tee from the Weiss'

rap-themed bar mitzvah?

Yeah, it is.

My whole wardrobe consists

of cast-off bar mitzvah swag.

The Jews, they leave them

on the corner for me. Yeah.

-You're hilarious. Take care.

-You too, thank you.

Have a-- Thank you

for helping someone... else.

-So simple, right?

-Mm-hmm.

I mean, where did she come from?

Blagdanorova, hi!

- Hello.

- Thank you.

Ah, you can call me Blag.

Oh, hello, Blag.

Please come sit down. I'm so

glad the invitation got to you.

I know how busy you

and Mr. Hammerman must be.

Very happy

to have invitation.

I usually read to him all day,

so it's very nice to get out

of the house.

Oh, I'm so glad you did.

Let me introduce you to everyone.

This is Amy and Pam.

-Hi!

-Ben?

Pam, P as in psychologist,

A as an aesthetic,

M as in I used to be a model.

Of course, you know McKinley.

Oh, yes, my fairy godmother.

I love love.

And this is Eliza and Liz.

Hi, Liz Hittler.

Two T's, no relation.

Thought we weren't doing

last names.

Hello.

I chair this benefit.

Thank you for having me.

It's a beautiful event.

So...

How... How did you get here?

To America?

Oh, for most women from Latvia,

-the only way out

is on your back.

-Oh.

I was a famous ballroom

dancer in Riga

with my partner Sigmar.

We danced and loved

all day and night.

We get visa

to come to the United States

for a special ability.

And when we arrive, he leave me

for b*tch in Brooklyn.

She own vegan bakery.

Sigmar hate carb.

You guys get together.

What a colossal d*ck hole.

God. f*ck that guy

in the eye socket.

-I am so sorry.

-Oh, no.

It fine. I meet husband,

and I have life

I never would have had.

Ladies.

Hello.

Perimenopausal hot flash!

Any allergies?

-Dairy?

-No moo, bah, or oink.

I'm allergic

to cilantro, blue cheese,

those boots with open toes,

and the song "Sweet Caroline."

Make it stop.

Got you.

Looks like Eliza sprung

for Tier Ones.

-You're welcome.

-What is this Tier Ones?

It's the cater waiters.

So for $30,

you get Bilbo Baggins.

40 bucks an hour, you get like,

um, like, attractive... ish.

50 bucks an hour,

and you get models.

Yeah. Studies have shown

that food tastes much better

when served by a long-lost

Hemsworth brother.

So true!

I'm not going to be able

to eat the food

because I just started

the GG cr*cker fast.

It's a little bit

like a**l bulimia.

-Facts.

-Well, good for you.

I just started reading

Dr. Melanie's latest book.

Oh, my God, it's not that hard.

Just eat less food.

-Yeah.

-Changed my life.

-I have an autographed copy.

-She's a visionary.

I just finished

the fourth chapter

where she says don't reward

yourself with food

-because you are not... I know.

-...you are not a dolphin.

-It's so simple!

-What is this book?

Are you, like, from Mars?

-Close. Latvia.

-It's great.

-Blag, I'll give you my copy.

-Thank you, Dzanielle.

So... tell me about yourselves.

Well, I make bespoke luggage

using the entire hide

of one crocodile

with your monogram.

-Ohh.

-In Sanskrit. So...

I commissioned one

for my 43rd birthday,

and then everyone wanted one.

Oh. You're sweet.

You're so-- You flatter.

-You have 43 years?

-Mm.

You look amazing.

Black don't crack.

Yeah, Black don't crack,

Asian don't raisin,

and Jews get face lifts.

You're very funny.

Hi, again. Liz Hittler,

two T's, no relation.

I volunteer.

Ohh.

-How kind.

-Well, when I'm in town.

-Mm.

-And not traveling within

the Platinum Triangle

of Aspen,

Palm Beach and Southampton.

I'm just a girl boss,

to be honest.

Oh, and what about you?

My most important job

is a mom to my five angels.

Clementine, Jasper, Juno,

Hopper, and Anais.

Very nice.

I just pet-parent.

Ohh.

- And stepmother.

- Ohh!

How old are your husband's kids?

57 and 59.

-Oh.

-Ohh.

Okay.

Showtime, ladies.

-Ohh!

-Break a leg!

Thank you. Thank you all

for coming, and good afternoon.

All right, ladies,

America's children are

getting dumber every day.

-It's true.

-Yeah.

We can't let our children lose

a single brain cell more.

That's why I created MAVE,

Mothers Against Vaping

and Edibles.

Ladies, after

we pretend to eat,

we are going to shop

like nobody's watching--

or checking

their credit card bills.

Am I right?

Nothing dries up a p*ssy faster

than going over the AMEX bill.

Am I right? Sahara!

Sand's all I got

in my cooter, right?

...7% of all proceeds

go to MAVE.

Amen.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

So, I got to run and pick up

the twins at water polo.

Oh, your kids are lucky

to have you.

Oh, I'm crazy

about those little nut jobs.

As they say,

it take a "willage."

It takes a vineyard,

is what it takes.

Ha. I like.

Thank you, Dzanielle,

for having me.

It's so nice to make

so many new friend.

Oh, well, I'm thrilled

you could be here.

And if you want to get more

involved

with philanthropy,

just let me know.

Oh, yes!

I think it would be wonderful.

Oh.

My dog, Pretoria.

Yuki, my dog walker,

send me pictures all day.

Oh, my God,

your dog is with Yuki?

Not to brag, but I'm kind of

a well-known influencer,

and I've begged my friends

to hook me up with him.

Dzanielle, let me help fix.

Seriously,

that would be amazing.

I'm fixing right now.

-Come on.

-You are a goddess.

-I got it.

-Thank you!

Dogs are a great icebreaker.

Every family has a paw print

on their Printery at Oyster Bay

holiday cards.

And it's not social climbing

if your pooch is

sniffing a CEO's dog's

nut sack. They don't know.

So when Jordy gave us Natalay,

I said okay, but he wasn't

going to be

some deadbeat dog dad.

He owes us love and support.

Dzanielle. Hi.

Cary, what are you watching

today, porn or lacrosse?

Get Jordan now.

Uh, he's in kind of

an important meeting right now.

Unless that meeting is solving

world peace, I need him now.

-This takes precedence.

-I'm, like,

70%... sure... that it isn't.

Tell him it's

a family emergency.

Hey. You okay? Kids okay?

Of course. We're fine.

I'm going to get them now.

Wh-- Why did you tell Cary

it was a family emergency?

Because it is!

I scored an appointment with

Yuki, the famous dog walker.

What the f*ck is

a Yuki the Dog Walker?

5:00 sharp.

You have to be there.

I don't want him

knowing that Natalay

comes from a broken home.

Okay.

I'll be there.

All right.

See you later.

Dude, you got

the coolest box I've ever seen.

You like my box, huh?

-Is it paper-mach or...?

-Uh, I don't know.

You know, every year,

the second graders

from St. Bernard's, they do this

elaborate diorama that I end up

using as a makeshift shelter.

And this year's theme

is Art Deco, so I kind of...

It's pretty cool, right?

-Sweet!

-Nice.

And I, you know,

listen, I'd rather be here

than the panhandle

of Oklahoma,

which is where I'm from.

I have all this free time

to think about...

Wow.

- Amazing.

- Our mom does that.

She sucks, though.

I was in an indie rock band.

Um... the Princes

of Paleolithic.

You seem so normal.

How-- How come you're homeless?

So we prefer

the term "unhoused."

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

Just from now on,

maybe, say unhoused.

-Of course.

-Uh...

But the band broke up.

You know, you lose a gig,

one thing leads to another,

and you're on the street.

-Hi. Hi, kids.

-Hi, Mom.

What have I told you

about talking to strangers?

This is Gary.

We see him every day.

How you doing? I'm Gary.

How was your luncheon?

Oh, thank you for asking.

Um... it was a huge success.

Vapes and edibles

won't know what hit 'em.

-Oh.

-Okay. Kids, we gotta go home.

We have a very special visitor.

-Bye, Gary.

-Bye, Gary.

You have wonderful children.

Thank you.

I'm Dzanielle, by the way.

Mom, how come you don't ever

give Gary any money

or invite him up for dinner?

Because that's

not how it works, honey.

You-- You don't go around

handing out cash, you know.

You don't know if they're gonna

blow it on drugs or alcohol.

You-- You give it to a charity

or a foundation,

and they disperse it.

Mom, how rich are we?

You two

with the questions today!

We are very, very fortunate.

Pilar? Pilar?

I need you to take Natalay

to her bathroom

and get the new

Oribe spritz, okay?

I want her fur to shine

like she just stepped out

of Julian Farel. Okay?

And I also need you to clean

her butthole, spritz it

until there are cartoon twinkles

coming out of it. Okay?

Of course, Miss Dzanielle,

and the fresh mints

you asked for are on the table.

You're a lifesaver!

Hello, hello!

-Jord, you're late.

-I'm here, okay?

I ditch my meeting

and bump my call

with Howard Schultz for you.

- Dad!

- Hey, Dad!

Oh, bube.

How you doin'? Hi, bube.

-What's going on?

-How's it going?

Can we do anything?

Um... yes, you can go and get

the Baccarat crystal ba*ls,

and we'll swap out these

food and water dishes.

Yuki needs to see that

Natalay only gets the best.

And then...

You smell like horse. Change

out of your jodhpurs. Okay?

This is all for the dog?

The dog walker.

And he's like the Meryl Streep

of dog walkers.

Don't give me that look, Jordan.

I am on the Godfather Day

of my period,

like flag of Japan situation.

Okay? So do not mess with me.

My hormones are raging,

and I can't even

put in a slender regular tampon

'cause I just got re-virginized.

You have schmutz here.

Wait, wait, you did that?

Wouldn't you love to know?

I've always wanted

to go to Japan.

You're not coming

near my sashimi.

Pilar, thanks for doing this.

If he says no,

I'm not

doing this anymore.

I'm allergic,

and I don't like animals.

I know. You've been amazing.

Let's just hope this works.

Oh, my God, that's him,

that's him. Okay.

Deep breaths.

All right.

Jord, Yuki's arrived.

Great.

Hello!

Welcome, welcome.

Come on in.

Hey. How are you?

Jordan.

Make yourself comfortable.

We invited your friend,

Monsieur Perignon.

And we got some Kappo Masa.

This will do.

-Jordan.

-Yeah.

- Yuki, have a seat.

- Yeah.

So, uh, what...

what can we tell you?

First, the name of your dog.

Oh, um, it's Natalay.

Hm.

Curious.

Traditionally,

I do not work with dogs

that have human names.

My clients are

Fluffy Schwarzman,

Diamond LeFraque,

Batches Butter Astin.

Things like that.

Oh.

If I were to call a dog's name

and 15 human people turn around,

I hate that.

I accepted Kevin Bacon's dog,

Francis, only because

he promised me

he would reedit Mystic River

so the ending... wasn't... so...

depressing.

Well, actually, Natalay

is my dead mother's name.

I wanted to honor her memory.

That is somewhat compelling.

Deepest condolences.

-May I see her?

-Of course.

She's in a picture frame

on the Steinway.

The dog.

Oh. Pil... ar!

Moth... er!

Ah, there she is.

Hi, Natalay!

We will need some time.

Yeah, go for it.

Alone.

Oh, you--

you mean we should leave?

Yes, I will need

anywhere from ten minutes

to seven hours.

Okay, obviously.

Whatever you need.

Take all the time you need.

Make yourself at home.

We will be in the great room

should you need us.

Mm.

Take the strippers' pole!

Um, no,

you have to do that.

Oh, my God, what could he

possibly be doing in there?

Jord, the man

is a legend, okay?

He has a process.

You have to respect it.

He's eating your dinner.

Grab her loop.

You missed the first.

Get the one

in the blue.

Babe,

he needs the job, okay?

Not you.

What are you,

the Dalai Lama now?

Jord, this is the only way

I can calm down, all right?

Maybe if you were

onboard with all this,

I wouldn't be so stressed.

-I'm rudderless.

-Oh, rudderless?

Maybe you're rudderless because

you're paying some schmuck

$1,500 to walk the dog.

Which, by the way,

would have been nice

if you gave me a little advance

warning and consulted me.

Well, it would have been nice

if you had consulted me

before getting your dog walked.

What the f*ck?

Why?

I gotta get this.

- Cary? What?

- All right,

grab her loop.

Kids!

Kids, shush your mouth!

- Listen, hold on

one second. Hold on.

No, don't go out there!

Don't go out there!

Natalay has sensory issues.

Oh, come on, stop it.

- Hey, hey, you hear me?

- Jordan.

-All right, where'd they land?

-We need you.

They just finished

the merger terms.

No!

So what you're saying is the

board approved the merger?

First vote was split,

but then... yeah,

you totally sold 'em.

Yes! f*ck, yes!

Cary!

Oh, my God!

That's amazing.

Okay, okay, this is big.

-This is big.

-You k*lled it.

This is so good.

This is so f*cking good.

Shares are about to go

through the roof.

Paris Capitals board

is going to be ecstatic.

Ohh! Oh, that's good.

Oh, my God, there's cayenne

pepper in there.

Don't tell

anyone until I get back.

Yes!

Dad! Dad!

Come on, let's go.

Give it to me. Bam, bam.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

Give it to me... a third time.

Are we still doing this?

Hello.

What, am I a hologram?

I'm here, aren't I?

In fact, I should be

celebrating

the most important

moment of my entire career.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

Congrats on your work

making money thing.

I don't even know

what finance means.

Hi. So, did we--

did we pass?

May I please see

your leash collection.

Of course. Pilar!

Can we please show Mr. Yuki

the leash collection?

I don't know

if you're on Instagram,

but I kind of have

a lot of followers.

My hairdresser

has 1.2 million followers.

No one cares.

They're all designer

and monogrammed, as you'll see.

I will call you

after my deliberations.

Yes. Of course.

Deliberate as much

as you need to.

Is this 12 Angry Men?

Let us know when the jury's

reached a verdict.

Domo arigato.

Also, I should mention

I just signed a huge...

Well, at least

if he deigns to gouge us

with his services,

you won't have to walk

the dog anymore.

Thank God.

Are you staying

the night?

I could make up

the spare bedroom.

...special dog food.

It's all locavore, seed to an*s.

-It's only the best.

-Uh...

You're the best.

But no, I have a--

I have an early day tomorrow.

Thank you, though.

Good night, Pilar.

Good night, kids!

Oh, my God, oh, my God,

I just said domo arigato,

and I now think

that might be Spanish.

You're fine.

You did great.

Really?

Really.

-All right, I'll see you.

-Thanks.

Thanks for doing this, Jordan.

Damn,

I wish I could go

to contortion school

so I could chow

my own box like that.

Actually, ew, no.

Yay! You're home.

Oh, hi, honey.

Did you pick up

the Torx key for the crib?

I picked up brackets

and Allen wrenches.

The instructions

clearly say a Torx key.

I mean, the dude said

Allen wrenches, so...

Anyways, don't worry,

I-I-I'll get it built.

Oh, sh*t. Right.

I need to make that dog call.

Hello?

I am calling to inform you

that I will be taking on Natalay

as a new client.

Thank you, thank you!

We will not let you down!

But given the unfortunate name,

there will be an increase

in the weekly payment

to $2,000.

Nothing is too good

for our Natalay.

Excellent.

Okay.

Thank you.

We did it. We did it!

We got Yuki!

He said yes. We did it.

We got him.

Oh, and if Yuki

ever says anything,

Nana Pearl is not alive

and well on Jupiter.

She's dead,

and her name was Natalay.

I can't believe you got

away with that.

"Karen, I call it a squoval!"

I mean, I can't believe

that we landed a whale

from Chilmark

Olympus Point Capital.

That stock is gonna sh**t up

once that merger is announced.

Chatter on some

message boards fits.

One estimate has it jumping

over 50% once they announce,

probably in a couple of weeks.

I just... There.

We could double our money.

-Wow.

-So, that gets us a master's

in aerospace engineering

from Columbia.

You're gonna get

the best education that money

from the worst people can buy.

All right, love you guys.

Don't stay up getting

brainwashed by China on TikTok.

Pilar, I'm still

so giddy about today.

Let's open this bottle of Dom.

You want to stay and have

some bubbles with me?

Thank you, Miss Dzanielle,

but I must get home to Miguel.

He made his special papadzules.

Enjoy Dom.

Aah.

Maybe call a friend.

Good night.

Thank you.

Oh.

A million followers.

It doesn't pack the punch

I thought it would.

I feel like I got shot

out of a camel's as*h*le.

I miss talking to him.

I miss telling him about my day

and hearing about his.

I mean, you think you'd be sick

of it after all these years,

but I never was.

God, it's a really nice ring.

Stephanie Gottlieb.

Maybe I can wear it

on my right hand.

It seems silly

to keep it locked away

in a drawer, collecting dust.

Danni! Yo, sis, I miss you.

I... I'm just back

from Hot Lotty's.

I saw that post

you did about the facial

with the stem cells

from the baby d*ck tops.

-How are you doing?

-I'm a little down tonight.

I miss you, and...

I miss Jordan.

Aw, honey, I get it.

It's all part of the journey.

I just wonder if maybe...

maybe I overreacted.

But Jordie knew

that I would never

put up with being

that humiliated first wife

from Wolf of Wall Street.

Look, you did what you did,

what's done is done.

Move on.

That's what I always say.

Never look back.

Okay. Um...

I just got hit with,

like, a tsunami of

exhaustion, so I'm gonna--

I'll call you tomorrow.

Mwah. Love you.

-Love you.

-Love you.

In other local news,

a new high-end soup kitchen

has opened on Fifth Avenue,

serving only

low-calorie, low-sodium

miso soup to unhoused people

who are battling

high cholesterol.

The next day,

I decided to reboot

by improving my mind

with the news

and my mindset

with some self-care.

Maybe Kim is right

about moving on.

Maybe I do need someone new,

just not the kind with a d*ck.

Hey, Siri, call Blagdanorova.

I went to see Evita

when I was 8, and I knew

I'd move here when I grew up

and never go back to the 516.

Do you have any family here?

I am youngest of seven sister.

I am ugliest.

But luckily, I was best dancer.

They stuck there.

Not even in Riga.

Kohadesburg.

Like red state of Latvia.

Well, you are the most gorge,

and I will pay someone

to Tonya Harding the kneecaps

of anyone

who tells you otherwise.

My first house was like

hole inside of cliff.

And, Amy, your first husband

was in a jam band,

and your first Hamptons

house was in Quahog,

which isn't the Hamptons.

Incorrect.

It was West Hampton.

Hello, little baby.

Hello, monkey baby.

Dogs. They can't resist

the taste of dirt and regret.

-What theory?

-Oh.

Must have got

an extra by accident.

-You wouldn't want it...?

-Give it to me!

Thank you so much.

That is so kind of--

Mmm! Ah, Smoothies.

One of the great

pleasures of life,

that and a standing O.

And, uh... and blow.

And a blowjob.

Those were the days.

How long have you been,

um, unhoused?

Well,

after the band broke up,

I had a little incident.

I may have drunkenly staggered

in front of a Segway.

Medical bills up the a*s.

And I cheated on my ex.

She kicked me out.

I ended up couch surfing

for a while, looking for gigs.

No luck. That's how I ended up

at La Casa del Gary.

Oh, my God, this is incredible.

What the f*ck is in here?

It's great.

Today is

all about party prep.

The b'nai mitzvah

was in two weeks,

and I was so stressed out,

I still had to confirm

the blueprints from

the balloon architects.

I had to get the cards

to the calligrapher

and make sure Jared

and Dakota's dvar torahs

were in tip-top shape.

I really want to invite Blag

and her husband.

Making adult friends IRL

is so hard.

Normally you just like their

posts and they like yours,

and you don't really

know each other.

Maybe I'll see if she

wants to have a drink.

She's so nice,

like Dakota and Jared.

You know, they're so sweet.

That's why candy is

the perfect theme for them.

Unlike their little

sh*t classmate Riley,

whose theme was haute couture.

All the tables

were called Gucci, Chanel.

I was seated

over at Viktor & Rolf--

essentially Siberia.

Hi, Connor. I just decided

to pop over because I wanted

to bring this to Mrs. Hammerman.

I don't believe anyone has ever

"popped over" to us here.

The Hammermans

prize their privacy.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I totally get that.

I suppose there's

a first time for everything.

Why don't we give

her assistant a ring?

A thousand apologies

for calling at this hour,

but an acquaintance

of Ms. Hammerman's has...

..."popped over."

No, never heard of it either.

-Her name is, uh...

-Oh, Dzanielle.

Ms. Dzanielle,

and she has a bottle

of mid-range champagne.

So be it, then.

You may...

come in.

Ohh! I'm so glad you came.

Mwah! Mwah!

You have to meet Tess.

She my left arm.

When she leave

for the weekend, I feel sick.

It get lonely here sometime.

Uh, do you want for some nibble?

I have caviar dealer

from Little Odessa.

Oh, I am a total Roe h*,

to be honest.

I mean, I could probably

eat human flesh

if it came with blini

and creme fraiche and chives.

Can I offer you a chilled

rosemary-steeped towel?

Oh. Uh... I'm okay.

Dakota.

-Wake up.

-Leave me alone.

Do you think mom would ever date

Gary if he wasn't homeless?

Not in a million years.

Why not?

She likes funny guys.

She's still in love with Dad,

dummy.

She's not. They're always

mad at each other.

You don't understand women.

Do you think he's happy?

-Dad?

-Gary.

How could he possibly be happy?

Well, he doesn't have

to go to school or a job.

He can do whatever he wants.

You really

don't understand guys.

I'm pretty sure always

having to ask people

for money makes you sad.

How? We ask Mom

for money all the time.

And she gives it to us.

Imagine if we said,

"Hey, Mom, can I have a dollar?"

And she just walked away

like she didn't know us.

We should help him.

-How?

-All he has is his box, right?

So he needs

all the other things.

What do we have?

All the toys.

Oh, what about my old

Harry Potter scarf here?

Yeah. He-- He's old, right?

He probably doesn't care

that JK's a TERF.

Hmm.

Uh...

Old slime?

Sensory entertainment's

important.

Oh, there's a ton

of leftover sushi!

Right! That'll last him,

like, two weeks.

I bet it's one of those things

that Mom says gets better

with age, like wine.

So you're stylish.

Funny.

You talk lot. You walk lot.

You very busy.

You do all these thing.

You take a picture,

you pose.

Really,

why you do all this?

My family split up,

and it's been rocky.

I'm not gonna lie.

You're hurting for Jordan?

Sometimes.

But, you know, I'm good

at compartmentalizing,

so it'll enter my brain,

and then I just shake

that Etch A Sketch,

flush it out, and I think

of the positive stuff.

I'm hashtag-blessed, you know?

I always tell my followers

you have to focus on

gratitude and manifesting joy.

This sound wonderful.

You love your kid.

Oh, yeah.

My kids are my life.

Jared and Dakota are...

they're my babies.

I would do anything for them.

You crack it wide open.

Oh, see, this is like...

you understand this...

this goodness, right?

I love Morty very much.

Though he very good...

But I could have married

many very rich men.

But I chose Morty

for setup because...

He have big heart.

Yeah. You mentioned the,

uh, cardiac distension.

-It's unhealthily engorged.

-That too, doctor say.

But, no, I mean, for heart,

for giving.

Very, very generous and kind.

Always giving money,

investing in people

for scholarship.

Food bank.

This is why.

This is why I love him.

But...

soon he will be gone, and...

I will be even more alone.

Look, you're not gonna be alone

because I'm in your life now,

and I'm like

herpes and political emails.

You're never

gonna get rid of me.

Oh, it's so true!

- Everything okay, kids?

- You know it, Mike!

Just going for

a little stroll. See ya.

Little stroll with a wagon

full of HomeGoods

and in your jammies?

Don't worry,

we'll be right back.

Hmm.

-Mmm.

-For you, Mike.

For your many years

of dedicated service.

Mm.

And to not tell our mom.

Just going across the street.

You know Gary.

Dropping some food and stuff

off for him.

It'll take two seconds.

I'm not taking any of these 20s.

It's nice of you kids.

I'm coming with you.

Don't ever tell your parents.

Thank you, Mike.

You the man.

"Dear Gary,

sorry you're unhoused.

We thought you could use

some food and other stuff.

Your friends,

Dakota and Jared."

Five minutes, angels.

Hey, Mom. How come

we don't have any poor friends?

Okay. I know you like Gary,

and I know you snuck out

to see him last night.

And while I appreciate

the gesture,

if you ever do that again,

you'll be grounded till prom.

Pilar!

Can you make sure

that Natalay finishes

all that wheatgrass juice?

We need to make sure

that she sprays diarrhea

before Yuki arrives.

Your mama,

she wants you

to be safe, children.

Hmm?

But I could tell

she was proud of you.

But don't do this again, eh?

- But, Pilar...

- Mm.

...isn't it wrong for

some people to have so much

when others don't have anything?

Ay, mia.

You should get to school.

Okay?

Have a good day.

Let's go. Come on!

Come on. Buh-bye.

Vamonos a la escuela.

Rapido.

Look at this.

"The Jewish perspective

on poverty is best described

by a single word

of Hebrew text...

Achi-ha."

"Through this word, the Torah

insists that we view the poor

as no different from ourselves.

Maybe we should do

something good with

our b'nai mitzvah money.

Yes, right after we get

new sneakers.

I already have six pairs

of Golden Gooses.

Wouldn't that

make it Golden Geese?

I honestly don't know.

- A la escuela!

- Vamonos, vamonos!

It is time.

I couldn't stop thinking

about how my kids

wanted to help Gary,

and all my friends have

their charities

that they use

to help in some way.

I realized it's time to use

my platform for good.

Over a million followers

isn't exactly chump change,

even if Yuki's

hairdresser has more.

And Blag said she

wanted to get more

involved in charity work.

So we decided to start our own.

If you're gonna start a charity,

you want to do something

that's never been done before.

- So we helping people.

- Yeah.

- I love helping people.

- Totally.

How 'bout seeking

a cure for Ozempic sharts?

- It's a problem.

- Ahh... no.

Maybe we should

come up with something

like, more high profile.

Absolutely k*lling it, ladies.

- What is this, high profile?

I want you to think

that somebody lined

your taint with razor blades,

and the mat is lined with pubes.

Shave the mat

with your taint razor.

-Yes!

-She very good.

Replace Confederate statues

with Manolo Blahnik pop-ups.

-I don't know this Confederate--

-Climate change.

I mean, hello, there's

so many hundred-degree days.

My hair is frizzing

to Staten Island.

Maybe there is something

more with fashion.

What about an advocacy

group for more Sawgrass?

-Is this big problem, isn't it?

-Oh, horrific.

What about Uber for colonics?

It would leak out while driving.

Why everybody love

this orchid painting?

I hear they all vag*na.

I've always called her

Georgia O'Queef.

Maybe art school

to teach people to paint better.

They have those already.

What about hair

transplants for the needy bald?

Morty

already sponsored this.

All right, brainstorming.

Let's pivot.

What's, like,

a really common affliction?

Oh, what about a museum

for eating disorders?

Maybe we switch to shots.

Ah, excuse me. I... eh...

Just... How do you

know that song?

Oh, when I was young,

I loved indie rock.

Oh.

That's... That's crazy,

'cause, um...

that was... That was my band.

Shut the f*ck up!

You're lying.

-No.

-You're the lead singer

-of Princes of the Paleolithic.

-...Paleolithic.

Teen me

would have shimmied

into that box and blown you.

-You have an amazing voice.

-Well, thanks.

I used to.

That was in the before time.

Now I'm just a shadow

of my former baritoniness.

-Drugs.

-Straight LSD.

Well, I love New York. There's

so much talent on every corner.

Well, in your case,

literally. But, uh...

have a good day.

The, um,

the blowjob thing, though...

Blaggie!

Oh M God.

I just had an idea

for a charity.

Hey. Hey, Dzanielle.

Cary, you preppy

reversible-named little sh*t.

Tell Jordan to call me.

I need to know what finance is.

I will be sure to give him

the message.

f*ck off, Cary!

Jordan is so helpful

and handsome.

You think you'll be

with him again?

And of course

I thought about it.

I knew he was getting jerky

from not banging box,

but, like...

it still wounded me.

He doesn't get to tell me

when to heal.

Right?

Men always think

they know best.

My husband, he was

telling me to quit here.

-Ah.

-And I constantly

have to remind him--

"I will tell you when

I'm a-ready to quit."

Exactly. Good for you.

What does your husband do,

Karen?

Get on the ground.

On the ground!

Okay, little rich b*tches.

- This is exactly

what you think it is.

I want all of your jewels,

your iPhones, your wallets.

I want you to put them

in the bag. Let's go,

in the bag.

Everything.

That thing too. What is that?

What is that? Just f*cking

put it in the bag. Okay.

Let's go. iPhone. iPhone,

please. Thank you.

Really, lady, you think

I don't see that ice rink

on your finger?

Come on, Tara Lipinski

could do a f*cking triple

Salchow on that sh*t.

-Put it in the bag. Let's go.

-My Morty gave me this ring.

"Morty gave me these rings."

I don't give a sh*t! Just put it

in the bag. Hurry up!

Whenever you're ready, lady.

Come on.

Thank you. Thank. Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going? Let's go.

Come back, come back.

-Come back, join the party.

-She's pregnant. She's scared.

-You're scaring her.

-Okay, well, if you cooperate,

she'll be fine, okay?

And you.

I see that ring. Take it off.

Put it in the bag. Let's go.

Why are you doing this?

-Do you really want to know?

-Yeah.

I used to be a plastic surgeon,

okay? Right up here.

Right up here. Park Avenue.

Park Avenue, b*tches!

I used to have

a thriving practice.

Faces, tummies, t*tties.

I did it all.

Didn't I do a consult with you

for my boob job?

Ah. Dr. Oren?

-Yes!

-Shoulda come to me. Anyway.

One botched facelift.

"Botched"!

I mean, you can still

kind of recognize her.

Decides to sue me

for malpractice.

And here I am.

All right, shut up. I got

to get to Zihuatanejo ASAP.

So, like,

all the fugitives go there?

Oh, my God,

you sound just like my ex-wife.

It's cliched for a reason, lady.

I don't need

to explain this sh*t to you.

Just f*cking come on.

Let's go. Put in here!

Come on, put it in. Ooh! Birkin.

Can I have the Birkin?

Why am I asking you?

Give me the f*cking Birkin.

-You beggar!

-Gah! You don't have to be

so aggressive.

If anyone tries

to call the police,

I will burn this place

to the f*cking ground.

Oh, can you help me

put this back on?

Can you do it?

So... yeah, so I can see...

- Is that okay?

- Yeah, that's better.

Okay. Congratulations.

So sweet. Mazel tov.

See you guys.

Oh, my God, you poor thing.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

You're having this baby today.

No, no, no, it's-- Don't worry.

I just need to call Yuki.

You're married to Yuki?

Really?

-That guy stole my phone.

-Well, the landline!

Ohh...

-We need towels!

-Towels!

Ugh! Ugh!

What are they

f*cking feeding you?

Shh.

- Yuki?

- Hi, honey.

-There was a robbery.

They took everyone's money.

-What?

Wait, what are you talking...?

Hey, hey.

- Oh, yeah,

I'm coming down, honey.

Natalay!

-Hey! It's your little necklace!

-Do you...

-You know this dog?

-Yeah, sure, this is Natalay.

Dzanielle's dog.

My wife's about to have

a baby right now.

You think you could take her up?

-No problem.

-Thank you.

-Thank you, uh...

-Gary.

Gary. Uh... Yuki.

-Okay.

-Congratulations!

Yeah, get out of here.

Go have a baby.

- I got aromatherapy.

- Ahh.

Honey, what happened? Hi!

How is it...

How's everything?

What even happened with...?

I am... Yuki is here to...

We're way past that, babe.

We know,

and we think it's wonderful.

Lavender and lanolin.

It's very calming.

Honey, I'm going to go

get us a cab!

Go home! I need my gold bag

and my birthing playlist!

-Can I help you?

-I'm Gary.

Hi... Gary.

Do you work in the building?

No, sir. I, uh...

I have your dog.

-Oh, Natalay.

-Yeah.

And I'm friends

with your children.

-I-I'm sorry?

-Yeah.

Loo, loo, loo, loo, loo.

She loves to lick me,

and I kind of love it, too.

-Gary!

-Gary!

Hey, do you know this man?

This is our friend, Dad. Gary.

He's unhoused,

but he's really cool.

Wh... Uh...

Here you go.

Uh... Oh. Uh...

Okay.

Thanks. All right.

Oh, right. Yeah. No, I've...

I've seen you

in the neighborhood. Right?

-Mm.

-Right. Or, um...

pretended not to see you

in the neighborhood,

if I'm being honest.

No, I-- It's okay.

I get it all the time.

Do you want to come in

and play Stardew Valley?

-Or take a nap, or a shower...

-Oh, kids...

-...or a shower-nap?

-Mom loves shower-naps.

Uh... no... No.

I'll see you guys later.

Please.

Uh, no, I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Hey, Gary.

Why don't you...

Why don't you come in?

I'm sure it's been a long time

since you've had a hot meal,

warm shower.

It has 360 water jets...

You'll love it.

No, no.

Thank you.

I thought homeless people

want to be inside, though.

Unhoused!

"Unhoused" people

want to be inside.

No!

No, they want homes.

Homeless people want homes.

I'm sorry, kids, you know...

I know you mean well, but, uh...

Getting a sneak peek into

someone else's fabulous life

and then going

back to the streets

kind of hurts more

than it helps.

He's right.

Let him go.

All right, come on, come on.

Excuse me.

Twenty-two...

Twenty-two minutes!

Come here.

It's much more comfortable.

I did it very Zen.

Oh, no, no, no,

that's not sanitary.

There's the toenail clippings

and heel skins.

No time. Baby is

knock-knock knocking

on cervix door.

You strong! You strong

like a chipmunk.

Holy f*cking sh*t.

-I see a head.

-Oh, I'm calling 911.

Good, 'cause I'm not going

to make it to hospital.

Yuki, abandon all hope

of getting a taxi.

The stork is in flight.

I am on 74...

Just like my mother, all seven,

cut open, no anesthesia.

You can do it.

Hi. Um...

Think of your

happy place. Okay?

My happy place

is my foot up your a*s.

So nice to see you all together.

We should do

double date sometime.

-Oh. Yeah.

-What are you doing?

Go get the ice.

Go get the towel.

...time pushing, okay?

Hold on.

I find something to tie it down.

Okay, you've got this.

We are in

a little goddess circle,

circling you with love.

-What did she say?

-She said you're very kind.

Oh.

Ice.

She love you very much.

We love you, too, girl.

You got this.

Bite down!

You are a strong, brave,

badass New Yorker!

Oh, my God!

It's a baby!

Oh, my God, Karen,

you did it. Mazel tov!

Aww!

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Sounding great.

Let's try the blessing

one more time.

Doing great. Here we go.

Oh, you sound like

a dying horse.

It's so nasal.

Tell her to stop.

No, Jared. Hello?

There you are.

Where have you been?

We were worried.

You have no idea.

I need a shot.

You could have called.

Could I have?

It's kind of hard

when your iPhone

is stolen at gunpoint.

-What?

-Mom, are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's just my nerves

are julienned.

-Are you serious?

-Jord...

Jord, my ring was stolen.

I was feeling kind of, like,

just depressed and down

and I put it on,

and this g*nman robbed

the whole mani-pedi place,

and he took it.

- He took everything.

- What?

And then a baby

was born on the floor.

-Baby? Whose...

-I'm so sorry.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's okay, it's okay.

God, your hugs

always made me feel so safe.

Well...

Well, you'll

always have them.

I'll always be here for you.

You're a true friend

and baby daddy.

And a mensch.

You okay?

Yeah, I will be.

Morty!

Oh, my love.

I had the most

amazing and crazy day.

You would not believe.

But I missed you.

I'm so delighted

for you, my heart.

You deserve all the happiness.

As do you, my love.

You know what I think?

In my lifetime...

I've had all the good fortune

that one man can have.

And having you here

at the last...

is more than I could

ever wish for.

What are you saying?

It's time for me

to say goodbye, Blag.

No.

No, I still need you.

You are first man

to really love me.

I won't be the last.

Your heart

is as big as this city.

I promise, someday...

you'll love again.

No, Morty.

I love you, Blag.

I love you.

Everyone think

I wait for him to die.

But they know nothing.

I would fall asleep

listening to him sleep.

It was comfort.

But now he's gone, and...

-All is quiet.

-No.

He was just as lucky

to have you

as you were him.

I think he hold on...

till he know I am okay.

Till I have friend. Like you.

Yeah, yeah.

Here she is.

Hi.

I can't believe

she's finally here.

And those women.

They actually were really nice.

Yeah.

I mean, I can't believe that

you all got robbed

by a crazy, g*n-toting thief.

Hmm.

This f*cking country.

Are you sure we should

raise our baby here?

We are her parents.

She'll be just fine.

Yeah.

After the Shiva,

I was the busiest person

in all of New York City.

Blag and I were building up

to the big launch

for our charity.

Did you know that

to give people stuff for free,

you have to do, like,

tons of paperwork?

Jared and Dakota's b'nai

was basically minutes away,

so I was in a frantic frenzy

running to all the B's,

Bloomie's, Bergdorf's,

RIP Barneys.

I went to Julien Farel

for a hair rehearsal,

makeup application.

Thank God for Botox

and Georgia Louise,

or I would look

like utter dreck.

We got it.

Today is the day

you become a woman and a man.

My kids are all grown up.

So proud of you. Group hug.

Aw.

Remember, no matter what,

your mom and dad love you.

Okay?

Just don't f*ck it up.

-Oh, you look gorgeous!

-That dress!

Good to see you.

Thanks for coming.

Get yourself a drink.

Jord. Hi, Jord.

-Hey.

-So what do you think?

Well, I gotta say...

pretty perfect.

Well, Bronson did

most of the heavy-lifting.

Stunning.

Well, you're not

so bad yourself.

Kim!

Hi, everyone.

Jared and I wanted

to thank you all so much

for coming tonight.

And we wanna thank

our awesome parents

for throwing us this party.

And we wanna talk to you

about what we learned

as we prepared for tonight.

If we leave you

with one word tonight,

it is achi-ha.

Your brother. It's easy for me

to see Jared as my brother.

I mean, the first room we shared

was literally in my mom.

She evicted us. Not cool.

But it's hard to see people

who seem different from you

as your brother.

And yet the Torah commands us

to do just that.

Genesis describes all humans

as created B'tzelem Elohim,

in the image of God.

We're all created

in the same image,

and to deny that

is an affront to God.

What as*h*le wants to do that?

So tonight, my brother and I

have taken on a challenge,

and we're inviting you all

to do the same.

We're proud to announce

that everything you have so

generously given us tonight...

...we're giving away.

To a kickass new charity,

founded by our mom

and Ms. Blagdanorova Hammerman.

Mom, Blagdanorova, take it away.

Thanks, kids.

As you all can imagine,

these two have given me a lot

to think about lately.

I was scared on

the Upper East Side that

I'd be raising the Bling Ring,

but I found out I got a couple

tiny Bonos on my hands.

Now there's three too many.

Kidding, I kid.

As my wonderful kids have shown,

we need to lead by example.

Yes, I've influenced people

to buy B The Method workouts

and Drunk Elephant,

but now I want to use

my influencing for good.

For charity.

Tonight, Dzanielle and I,

we are going to announce

new non-profit.

Y-IMBY.

-YIMBY.

-YIMBY.

Yes In My Backyard.

Gary, please come up.

Gary inspired

our new non-profit.

Take it away, Gar.

Thank you, ladies.

Hi there, attractive

rich people.

And the unattractive ones.

I've been unhoused

for about two years,

which f*cking sucks.

I'm sorry, I just...

No, actually, I'm not sorry.

It does. It sucks a duffle

full of dicks.

So a few months ago...

Oh, f*ck.

I am sitting on the street,

and I have

a tremendous sharp pain,

uh, not in my as*h*le,

but around the as*h*le.

Hemorrhoids are the wrong word.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Um... so, uh...

Okay.

The problem was

in my backyard, you see.

And the problem's

in all our backyards.

So inspiring, Gary.

Thank you for sharing.

That's a lot to think about.

YIMBY will make the billionaire

real estate tax a reality.

Yes In My Backyard's goal

is to take the current

1.5% mansion tax,

give it a spank,

and with your help,

grow it into a flip tax

of up to 10%.

So if you buy

a 75-million-dollar apartment,

you have to give

7.5 million dollars

towards housing the unhoused.

This billionaire real estate tax

will change the city.

And we know how much

everybody spend

for dog walk and fecal report,

so we know this doable!

So I'm thrilled to announce

that we're not just gonna wait

for public policy.

We're starting right now.

I am putting my money

where my Rejuvedermed mouth is.

Jord and I...

have just bought an apartment

in our building for you, Gary,

as the inaugural

YIMBY residence.

This great. This great.

You clap. You clap. Yes.

Give hug.

Come here, Gary.

Yes In My Backyard.

Yes In My Backyard.

-Please don't do this...

-Gary, Gary.

Yes In My Backyard.

Yes In My Backyard.

-All right.

-Yes In My Backyard.

Oh, Morty.

And I hope

all of you will join us.

-Girls, sorry...

-Oh, mazel tov.

...it took me so long

to get over here.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Drop dead.

McKinley!

-Oh, hi, doll.

-You look amazing.

Oh, you do,

you're all so gorgeous.

I don't think we've met.

Liz Hittler.

Two Ts, no relation.

Gary Pootin. Two Os no U.

-Come on.

-Yeah!

Is this seat taken?

It is now.

I have an apartment uptown

if you...

-Oh, yeah?

-...need a place to stay.

I could stay

at an apartment anywhere.

I mean, any apartment

would be fine for me.

And, uh, that circular motion

you're making with your thumb,

it, um...

-Let's go now.

-Oh.

Okay.

You know...

I don't know if I've ever seen

this many people,

at this many income levels,

having this much fun

all at the same time.

You really put it together.

Well, the kids did it, Jord.

God, where did they

come from, anyway?

From you.

You know...

somewhere along the way,

you may have forgotten that

you have a huge heart,

but I never did.

Jord, I'm pretty sure

you had something

to do with it too.

I missed you.

I never stopped loving you.

You're my person.

The one I always wanna call.

I promise you

that I will never get whacked

by anyone else

for the rest of my life.

I love you.

Will you please

give me another chance.

Of course, I will. I love you.

-You will?

-Of course!

Oh, thank goodness.

Thank goodness.

No, seriously. Thank goodness.

Because otherwise,

I don't know what

I would have done with this.

Jord!

Will you please

do me the honor

of being my ex ex-wife?

f*ck yes!

She said f*ck yes, kids!

Kids!

This so beautiful.

- You're not a kid.

- Real happy ending.

- Hello.

- Hi, tiger.

So, um, I was just thinking

about your...

procedure.

The re-virginization?

Mm-hm.

My doctor said it's gonna

feel like the first time.

So you have to go really slow.

Huh...

I'll try.

Wait, wait, wait.

Shouldn't we...

save this for the wedding night?

Mm...

f*ck it.

I can't wait

for our marriage ceremony.

Except this time, instead

of walking down the aisle...

-Mm-hmm?

-I'm gonna run.

Come here.

Wait.

Oh, my God, that's... tiny.