05x02 - What Makes Shamy Run?

[bunniefuu]

I could be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

I could be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Morning, Governor.

Shammy about?

No.

Is he coming back?

Don't know.

This is very nice.

I'm Mr Daly.

Yes.

I've got to meet with Shammy.

Yes.

Well, where is he?

Not here.

I gathered that.

Let's start again.

Me got meet with Shammy.

Where Shammy?

Shammy running.

Running?

I know he's a bit slippery, but where?

Bank?

Betting shop?

Boozer?

Home?

There.

Cup of tea?

Tea.

Thank you kindly.

Don't you get cold.

Go on, you get back to the old Jack and
Jill.

Shammy.

Arthur!

Nice to see you.

Cup of tea?

Yes.

Roger, a cup of tea for Mr Daly,
please.

The old man said you were running.

Well, you know how it is, Arthur.

Busy, busy.

Is that your shop?

Yes, sort of.

The old fella, he's a bit of a peasant.

Shrewd, mind you.

Probably be a millionaire in a couple of
years.

Yes, talking to millionaires.

I know what you mean, Arthur.

Good.

I've got it.

I've got it.

Monthly, right?

Right.

You did me a right favour.

Those reconditioned sewing machines turned
out to be a winner.

The old value, Shammy.

They're not interested in homemade frocks
in this country.

Our young marrieds, all they want is
coffee mornings and...

can't even die on a sock.

The old womenfolk have got their
priorities right.

I couldn't have shitted them in Fulham.

How is your good lady, by the way?

She's fine.

Bit of trouble, though.

Lost her job at the casino.

Yeah, but now you're doing so well,
she won't leave one, will she?

I don't know about that, Arthur.

Come on, don't be modest.

I've known you a few years.

What can I say about you?

Near do well.

Shall I go a bit further?

Drunkard, gambler, cheat.

Tendency to tell porties.

All in all, you're an out-and-out villain,
Shammy.

Nobody's perfect, are they, Arthur?

You're all right here, though.

Because you are with your own folk.

You are at home.

I'm just a Londoner.

You may think that.

All that dashing around up the West End to
find a lady, that wasn't you.

Look, the reason I moved.

I was getting so much hag from the old
Bill.

And I was mugged three times.

Well, you're all right here.

It seems as if they know how to make a
decent cup of tea, too.

I'm proud of you, Shammy.

You have got a worldview, imagination.

It's ambition, I suppose.

That's a lovely beer.

Here you go.

He's a lucky boy.

Pure skill, that is.

Dear, hello, sir.

Is that Arthur's winnings?

No, that's Terry's winnings, son.

Andy.

It's my first Yankee ever.

Yeah, I've done hundreds of them.

I've done hundreds of them.

It's the first time I've ever won,
though.

I'm skint, skint.

Don't tell.

You wouldn't like to sub me some money,
would you, my boy?

What's happening to me?

Nothing.

Yeah, go on, son.

It's me, isn't it?

It's all right.

I want to get some things.

Bread and butter and sweets for my little
girl.

Show that load.

Seven to one per nine.

Hold on, hold on.

Your little girl is 29.

Well, she still likes sweets.

It's five to two to two.

Sorry I'm late.

You go.

Son.

Go, go.

Why?

I mean, I just had a cup of tea.

Mr. This, I have dispatched with your
services.

Yeah?

And who are you?

I own this shop.

And you are too expensive.

You want to be a partner, not an employee.

Thief, bloody thief.

He's a nutter anyway.

You've been tipping in the till.

No chance.

He keeps the keys in his bleeding pocket.

I've been really good to you.

And you.

Bought you lots of customers.

There are still many things missing.

Shoplifters.

Yes.

Yeah.

And they're all your friends.

You suggested he accepted cheques.

Yeah.

Everyone bounced.

You took deposits on, what was it,
two TV sets and a music center?

Yeah.

Every address is false.

Yeah, well, it could happen in any shop.

Fifteen videotapes are missing.

Yeah, well, he doesn't organize anything,
does he?

Anyway, he's a crook.

I know what you're up to, ferrying videos
to Bombay.

So when he goes to Bombay, you help
yourself.

You've been very foolish.

I was grooming you for higher things.

I had you checked
out, but... as Ajit says...

you're nothing but a thief.

Well, get me things then.

Go!

Go!

Take it easy.

You're a peasant.

Just like the rest of them.

You might have a second ankle,
Tina.

But your brain's back with a b*llet cart.

Your Indian likes the graft.

Up at the crack of dawn, open his paper
shop, get the kids off to school.

I mean, I was up at Brick Lane.

You should see that place.

It's thriving.

I saw only one white face while I was there,
and I think that was Lord Attenborough.

Have one yourself, Dave.

Charred.

Sir.

I seen an Indian playing the bagpipes
years ago.

And?

You wouldn't think they'd bother.

Give the syrup one, Dave.

Hey, Dave, your friend and mine,
old Shammy.

Even he's got the flavour of hard work,
dashing about like a good'un.

Yeah, I don't believe that.

Shammy?

Yeah, I met him when I was going to
hospital.

He was going to have an X-ray to see if he
had a day's work in him.

Yeah, he was dead worried when they
brought in the three-day week.

He thought it was compulsory.

Now, that'll be 270.

I'll stick it on the slate, Dave.

I'm doing out of chalk, Arthur.

Come on, let's have some cash for a
change.

All right, all right.

Don't get me staked.

I've got you loaded.

There you are.

You may scoff, but he is a changed man,
and I put you down for marriage.

Yeah, well, Gail's a
nice bird, but I mean,

he did only marry her
because she had a job.

Yeah, well, she hasn't now.

Yeah, well, I bet he's half-hungry.

You're so cynical, aren't you?

Just because all your
personal relationships are

based on the physical
rather than the spiritual.

We have a problem, Governor.

What's that, Mr Chidham?

What, a 20-pound note?

No.

There's a lot of them about, apparently.

Dear, dear.

Phoney as a glass eye.

Well, I didn't know I was going to take it
out of the bank.

I trust the bold Arthur is not passing off
counterfeit currency.

Mr Chidham, do you think I'd do a thing
like that?

You really want me to answer that?

You've done me up like a kipper.

Who has?

Yeah, fine piece of work, this.

Any more?

No, I don't even know where I got that one
from.

For paying cash, I thought it must be
a wind-up, you know.

Well, you've put me in a bit of a
quandary.

You've obviously broken the law.

I have not lodged a complaint,
Mr Chidham.

Well, I have the evidence, and I'm a
witness.

No, no, hold on.

He didn't know it was bent, did he?

That's no excuse.

Ignorance of the law.

You, above all people, should know that.

Come on, Mr Chidham.

I'm a victim of circumstances.

All right.

Where did you get it?

I don't know.

I'm a businessman.

I mean, money passes through my hands hour
by hour.

Me too, sometimes.

Incidentally, half of you still owe me
£2.70.

Dave, please.

This is a crisis.

Yeah, I know.

I'm out of pocket.

Stick it in the book.

Leave the book.

It's getting longer than Gone With The
Wind.

Hello there, Charlie.

You have an obligation as a citizen.

It is your duty to help your local police.

He's asking you to grass.

That's right.

I suppose that's a dirty word in your tiny
vocabulary.

That's right.

What's wrong with giving us a bit of
information occasionally?

I don't understand you people.

No, you don't, do you?

It's like the old school tie.

Yeah.

That's why half of them will grass their
grannies.

Look, I'm inclined to agree there,
Mr Chidham.

I blame the media.

Newspapers.

I mean, if you can't rob
a bank, you can write

an article about it for
Sunday papers, can't you?

Not that I would know those sort of
people, you understand?

No.

Syrups lent it.

So?

You didn't.

Go.

Go.

See you later.

Search me, Mr Chidham.

I might.

All kinds of things would leap to the eye.

You're not going to keep that,
are you?

Well, of course.

You weren't thinking of using it,
were you?

No, no, no, no.

Were you?

No.

Hello, love.

You're early.

What's up?

Lunch.

This is a joke, this sewing machine.

Well, that's down to offer, isn't it?

Mrs Patel knocked on the door.

Ours doesn't work either.

Yeah, and I paid good money for those.

Well, sort of.

Yeah, what's up with her phone?

What do you think?

No, they can't do that.

Not without saying.

They did.

Two bills and a final demand.

I can't work without a phone.

You can use the one in the shop.

You are going back?

No, I've resigned.

No.

How can you resign?

You've only been there five minutes.

Change my mind, can't I?

Anyway, it wasn't right for me.

I'm more executive material.

Well, it was a start.

After eight years...

It wasn't right for me.

Now, I'm not a worker.

I'm me.

You should have married a bus conductor.

Yeah, but I didn't.

Did I?

Anyway, I've got to get to a phone.

Got any change?

No money.

I've got money.

There's plenty of dough.

Well, can I have some?

The gas is due.

And I can settle the phone bill.

Yeah, of course you can.

Anyway, I've got to dash.

See you later.

See you.

I'm going to my mum's this evening.

Well, don't wake us up when you come in,

I've got a busy day tomorrow.

See you, love.

Bye.

Well, then you're going to lose the syrup.

Gordon knows where he's got to.

Well, he ain't going to spend the dough,
is he?

I mean, any idiot could tell those notes
are rookie.

I took them.

Exactly, yeah.

But you've got to be some special kind of
idiot, haven't you?

I trusted that rotten chamois.

You reckoned he was a changed man,
didn't you?

That is because I've got compassion in my
heart.

Yeah.

And I don't want any soft stuff from you,
either.

The old one, too.

I want to see him spattered all over the
pavement.

Teeth in the gutter, claret... everywhere.

You've got a perfectly reasonable
explanation.

How could he?

What he'd done was inhuman.

It's only 500.

Only 500?

We are talking about trust.

I don't give them bills, invoices,
receipts.

I give them my hand and my heart.

Yeah, well, they'd prefer a guarantee,
wouldn't they?

I give them my honour.

Right, well, you know what to do.

Yeah, I'll have a chat with him later.

No, no, no.

I told you, the man needs a spanking.

Half-half.

Look, don't you halfer me.

I'm not asking you to hand-draw and
quarter him.

Just reasonable retribution.

Haven't you ever seen Clint Eastwood?

Yeah, but I've lost my magnum,
haven't I?

Well, are you coming in?

No, no, no, no.

You'll be better on your own.

Terry, Terry, he's out here.

Got a b*llet from in there, you know.

He's up the street there.

Yeah.

Well, don't let him get away.

Terry, Terry, Terry!

What's your game, then?

I didn't know it was you, Tom.

Who do you think it was, Sebastian Bleedon
Coe?

I know so many people.

What's it all for?

The

man from the council.

Certainly not, madam.

I've got him.

Now, do you want me to hold him while you
hit him, or what?

What a deplorable suggestion, Terry.

What made you think that?

You said you wanted him splattered all
over the pavement.

No, not me.

No, no, we're civilised people.

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable
explanation, isn't there, shammy?

Yeah.

Of course there is, Arthur.

I can't imagine what it is, but I'm quite
prepared to listen to it.

So shall we to the nearest rubber dump?

There might be people in there I don't
want to see, Arthur.

There are people here you don't want to
see, sunshine.

So you'll just have a little shufty,

Or as you say, a deco.

It's OK.

Go on in, then.

It's brassic.

I bought them.

Five for each note.

That's nice.

And you told me that shop was yours.

I never did.

Yes, you did.

Did I?

To be honest, I must have been lying.

Look, you bought some sewing machines off
me.

I owed money.

Ordinary debts.

You know, playing cards, GGs, gas bill,
rates.

Simple things.

I worry about Gail.

She works so hard.

We went down to Eastbourne for the
weekend.

I borrowed the dough.

I needed some shoes.

You know what it's like, tell.

Yeah, I know what it's like,
yeah.

Haven't you got any assets?

Nothing.

I'm one of nature's debtors.

I was in the red from birth.

Aren't you ashamed?

Yeah, I am.

I am.

I've got a possibility.

Yeah.

I'm thinking of going into show business.

What, Panama?

No.

Movies.

Videos.

Do you want me to cut you in?

Yeah, yeah, I'd love that.

They make more films over there than in
Hollywood.

Look, all I'm interested in is my 500.

Don't you trust me?

God.

Look, let me explain.

The big money is over there in India,
right?

Not here.

They ain't got the facilities over there.

And the government hates videos.

You get the master tape of a brand-new
Indian film, take it over to Bombay,

sell it, a license to print money.

Yeah, you know all about that,
don't you?

All right, so I needed some easy money.

Well, like you've always said, if you
want money, you've got to work for it.

He said that?

Yeah, well, I think.

Anyway, that's what I'm doing.

There's a brand-new film out called Storm
Over Kathmandu.

Dear, dear.

It's like Dallas, E.T., Gandhi all put
together.

Well, they like family films over there,
don't they?

So you're going to be rich?

Yeah.

Come on, Terry.

Yeah, but I need some help.

Yeah, I know what you're going to say.

You need some money.

What sort of help?

Your wife.

Terrence, this man is molesting me.

For this is the best offer you've had
all day.

Listen, you are importuning me.

Look, some measly pounds.

There's a by-law to protect us against
people like you.

Come on, Terry.

Terry, you understand, don't you?

Listen, for once in his life, he might be
right.

Well, why can't people trust me?

You?

All right, I'll tell a couple
of poor... He's now a man.

Now and then, it's all the time,
isn't it?

Yeah, but I've never hurt anyone,
Terry, and you know that.

Come on.

Look, all I'm asking for is half an hour
of your time tomorrow.



Jam jar, ain't it, boy?

All right, all right, all right.

Yeah, pick up the tape.

Terrific.

Great, you're one of the good guys,
Terry.

Yeah.

Bye, Arthur.

No.

Jeez.

Look, I'm in the middle of a business
discussion.

I can't help you.

I won't.

He's a biker.

He's busy.

It looks like a real driving school car.

It is.

No disrespect, Arthur, but what's all that
about approved?

They all have that.

Yeah, but approved by who?

By me.

Yeah, I get it.

That's going to be a winner, this.

Incidentally, have you got a licence for
me, just in case?

In case of what?

In case I get a pull.

I had a licence years ago.

You what?

You came here as a bona fide instructor.

I never said that.

I taught me brother.

Your brother?

He's in Maidstone Jail.

Yeah, not for a driving offence.

Stolen motor.

There's nothing wrong with his driving,
that was as sweet as a nut.

You misled me.

Nah, you must have been Brahms that night.

I never said anything about being a bona
fide instructor.

All I said was anybody could do it.

Look, I'll guarantee tomorrow I'll have
all the credentials you want?

And a driving licence.

Oi, where's that tea?

Alright, alright, it's coming.

Did you take some 20 pound notes out of
that box?

Yeah, I took 40 quid for the bills.

What, and they took them?

Why not?

No, Shammy, they weren't Dad's worth,

Yeah, well there's hundreds of them about,
innit?

They even gave me change.

Well, we got a result then, didn't we?

You don't care, do you?

Don't start all that.

I'm having a bit of bad luck at the
moment.

Well, there's even more.

Some other bloke was trying to get hold of
you.

Kamal or somebody.

Him.



I tell you, that's the last time I ever
borrow any money off him.

I don't know.

Why can't you work like all the other
Injuns?

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I would.

I mean, you don't even like curry.

Everybody likes curry.

And you got all these romantic ideas about
the East, didn't you?

Taj Mahal.

Well, you thought the Taj Mahal was a calf
up Brick Lane.

And you watch too much television.

Now be nice to me?

I'm gonna have a great day.

I just know it.

Let's tell.

See you later, love.

You're in.

Bye.





Why didn't you check them?

No, you don't, do you?

You don't expect that, not from somebody
with a scalp condition.

Are you describing?

Yes, well, he is at this moment wearing a
Roger Moore.

One of our more popular lines and
completely waterproof.

Waterproof?

Yes, sir.

Keeps the rain off.

Off what?

Their brains.

You can swim in a Roger Moore using our
special exclusive adhesive.

Well, apart from glue on his scalp,
any other distinctive features?

No, no.

I'd say nondescript, give or take.

Scars, moles, big hooter, dodgy eye.

No, no, as I say, nondescript,
face in the crowd, ordinary.

Mind you, I'd recognise his scalp
anywhere.

Unfortunately, we don't have a file on
cranium prints.

Well, there was one thing.

Could be a clue.

He left his old wig here.

A cheap nylon hairpiece circa 1972.

An early Engelbert Humperdinck,
I should say.

In need of renovation.

Renovation?

He's got real dandruff.

It's not in the best of condition.

I've seen better-looking rats down the old
East India Dock.

Here, James, try it on.

Me?

What have I done?

Do you want a list?

We're trying to picture the face beneath
this apparition.

Now, try it on.

I feel all right, Burke, yeah?

True, true.

The syrup.

What?

Syrup of figs.

Who?

A character known to the police.

Aye.

I'll take this Irish into custody.

I've got a plastic bag.

Of course.

You got a suspect?

Yes.

Well, you could say he has a price on his
head.

That's an amazing bit of deduction,
Sergeant.

By the way, have you ever thought about a
hairpiece yourself?

Why?

Well, we are receding a little,
sir, aren't we?

We get by.

I'm sure you do, but it can be disabling,
socially, I mean.

Professionally, even.

I think sir's macho image might be greatly
enhanced with a Burt Reynolds,

one of our range, or even a Starsky.

Very popular with the upper ranks down at
the yard.

I was going to suggest that to your
girlfriend.

No way.

Yes.

No.

No, not really.

Shall I take the plastic bag?

Keep it running, Top.

I'll only be a minute.

Hey,

I got away with it.

How about that?

Did you lick that video?

Me?

Course not.

What are you so excited about then?

I'm not.

Why do you keep looking out the back
window, then?

I wasn't.

Strange.

Come on, let's go to your place.

My place?

What's wrong with yours?

They're after me, aren't they?

Who?

Everyone.

Well, it serves you right.

All right, what about Arthur's?

Listen, son, you'd have to
pay him back that 500 quid, plus


could even sleep on his floor.

So suspicious, ain't it?

Yeah.

All right, I know a place.

It's not far from where you live.

The boat here?

No, no, no, just him, just one.

Any luggage?

No, it's at the station.

£30 a night, in advance.

Any room service?

Yeah, continental breakfast, two pounds
extra.

And you can have a curry across the road.

Cheers.

Number 57, down the end of the passage.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, but she's here now, smudger.

Your first pupil.

Well, how long's that gonna take?

Well, quick as you can, then.

Yeah, yeah.

Unfortunately, my dear, one of my
instructors has been delayed.

Should only be about half an hour,
though.

Well, can't you take me?

Well, no, I am the principal.

You can drive, can't you?

Young lady, I have personally taught the
highest and the low.

From advanced motorists
to people who don't know the

difference between a slip
differential and a windscreen wiper.

Well, you'll do, then, or I'll go.

No, no, no.

Have you actually put down a deposit?

No, I want that new introductory offer.

Ten less than 60 sold.

Yes, certainly, my dear, certainly.

What's all that about?

You can't be too careful.

Well, give them back, then.

No, no, no, no, that's perfectly all
right.

What am I, the phantom forger?

No, no, no, of course not.

Shall we?

I know the rudiments.

I mean, I failed my test four times.

They're all against me.

Who are?

All of them.

They don't like my attitude.

No, no, no.

Young lady, you must do this right.

Have you checked
your door, your seatbelt,

and made sure the
gear lever is in neutral?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, I haven't finished yet.

Now, I noticed right away that you had
missed a crucial point... point.

Now, you must remember, your mirror is
your best friend.

We're in the yard.

It doesn't matter.

It should be automatic.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

The brake.

Where did you put the brake?

I don't know.

I don't know what you're getting so
excited about.

I'm not excited, my dear.

You must realize that it
is very difficult to stop the

motor if you have got
your foot on the accelerator.

Now, let us go out nice and easy.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Right, right.

Now, nice bit of clutch work.

Easy gear change.

Now, we go left.

Look out!

Brake!

Left.

I said left.

Left.

Gently at the first.

My God.

We drive on the left in this country.

I said left.

It doesn't matter.

I think it does.

You see, if I say left and you go right...

My God!

Brake!

Brake!

Brake!

Very good, Denise.

My God.

He's taking my number.

Drive on.

You see, Denise, you may not think it's
important that when I say left,

you go right.

And, of course, I suppose cosmically,
it isn't.

But to mere mortals like myself,
it gets confusing.

Sod it, then.

We go left.

Look where you're going!

I really enjoyed that.

Well, same time next week, then,
Mr. Daly.

Ta-da!

You all right, Arthur?

Hot sweet tea.

Hot sweet tea.

You know, you look a bit uncle to me.

You all right?

No, you sound a bit strange, that's all.

Listen, never mind about that.

Sammy's had a result.

Yeah, that film he was talking about,
he reckons he ought to see you.

Yeah, but every time I see him,
it costs me money.

All right, all right, I'll see him.

But I am not in the best of health.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

I'd like to see Mr. Gopal,
who checked in earlier today.

Yeah, at number 57, down the end of
the passageway.

Tough.

How much?



A ticket to Bombay, that's all.

You hear this?

This is the man who already owes me.

Yeah, but look, he's got this master tape,
hasn't he?

Sounds like a good deal to me.

Sounds like a good deal, does it?

Look, how are your investments these days?

How is the old portfolio?

What are you into?

Bricks and mortar, commodities,
unit trusts?

You don't know nothing about business.

Well, don't ask me, then.

No, I won't.

Look, I don't think you understand what
he's saying.

I know perfectly well what he's saying.

He's saying he wants to go to Bombay and
buy a videotape.

That's not it.

I'm not buying, I'm selling.

That is what I said.

No, you didn't.

Look, this is the biggest thing since
sliced bread or instant rice.

Storm over Kathmandu.

Look, every village in India has got a
video, but they can't get a new film.

All I've got to do is take
the master over to Bombay,

hand it over to a certain
bloke, he'll flood the market.

We'll be rich.

Well, a hundred grand, now that's rich for
me.

I told you you didn't understand him.

A ticket to Bombay and a couple of quid
for a hotel and food, that's all.

And Bob's your uncle.

It can't be that easy.

Arthur, it is.

Indian, you reckon?

Of that persuasion, I would say.

Well, we can't have Indians messing up our
currency, can we?

No.

What room?

Number 57, at the end of the passage.

Do you want me to come with you?

No, that's all right, but thanks.

You see, there's just one little problem
if we let you go to Bombay.

We may never see you again.

I don't even like the food, Arthur.

You can help me or not.

Hello.

Happy birthday.

What a surprise, Mr Jones, meeting you
here.

You haven't introduced your friend,
have you?

No, he's not my friend.

He's a friend of Terry's.

Yeah, this is Detective Constable...
You asked him a constable, didn't you?

Detective Constable Jones.

Oi!

He's in a bit of a hurry, though.

Well, what do you think?

What an error for men.

Bleeding freezing out there.

You got the tape?

Yeah, I've got... What time is it?

Five o'clock.

Great.

You've taken a chance coming here,
haven't you?

Well, haven't you?

I haven't done anything, have I?

You got a fire or something?

Yeah, it's... Yeah, it's there.

That copper was only after the notes,
not the tape.

Why didn't you go home?

What do you think?

They're after me, aren't they?

I walk the streets all bleeding night.

What's it on with, Arthur?

Me going to Bombay?

God knows, mate.

Pity.

I thought they were rather good.

Terrific, weren't they?

Nearly got you nicked, me and Arthur.

Have you ever thought of getting a job?

No, no, no.

Sorry, sorry.

Morning.

Morning, Sergeant.

Morning, girl.

g*ns.

See, from the duty book, there was an
incident with a 20-pound note.

Again.

I ran after the man, but he got away.

And when I got back, Daly had gone.

Daly?

Aye.

And his friend.

You had him banged to rights and he got
away?

He hadn't done anything.

May I outline the scenario so far?

During the last 48 hours, Arthur Daly has
passed a counterfeit 20-pound note.

In that well-known den of thieves,
the Winchester, among the company was a

certain character known as the Syrup,
who a few hours later uses 15 bent 20s to

turn over a wig maker and make off in a
Roger Moore look-alike toupee.

Last night, at a down-market hotel,
Arthur Daly was seen with a person unknown

who passed counterfeit money.

I asked myself, is this mere
fortuitousness?

I think not.

I agree, Gus.

Now, there are
certain things in life that

are more important
than nicking Arthur Daly.

But for the moment, I can't think of any.

He is a thorn in my flesh.

A tickle in my throat.

I had hair when I started on this manor.

I don't approve of his pathetic,
trivial wheezes.

Goldfish.

Albanian sparkling wine.

Flood-damaged bathing suits.

You got a laugh, though, haven't you?

No.

Well, he got that microwave for our
canteen.

Burnt offerings.

Aye.

The idea of him circulating dodgy 20-pound
notes, it's incredible.

Even better.

He was printing currency of the realm.

That's a staggering thought,
Gav.

Awesome.

Right, on your bike.

What?

I've got an appointment with the tame
magistrate.

Warren's, Arthur Lovecotent.

Now, just a minute, Gav.

I'm off duty in five minutes.

No, you're not.

Zero, dear.

Gave me quite a little turn, then.

Well, good day, gentlemen.

Buying or selling?

Please, open the door and enter.

That's just what I was going to do.

Can I help you?

Absolutely.

It's funny seeing you.

I was down Brick Lane the other day.

Um, you, Brothers?

Brothers in arms.

I understand you have an article of mine.

Me?

Shami stole my tape, but he was
accompanied by your employee.

I want it.

Please, sit down.

There's no nonsense about this.

We're going to search this place piece by
piece, brick by brick.

And eventually, bone by bone.

Begin.

Look, I haven't got it.

Very careful, and if we don't find it
here, we'll do the same to McCann.

Would you like a cigar?

No.

So?

Well, among other things, I'm also a
wholesale tobacconist.

This could be your lucky day.

Would you be interested in eight groves of
cigarillos?

Argentina, actually.

But, you know, with the political backlash,
it's a bit difficult to shift them.

Well, thank you.

Well, there's many other things here that
could be of interest.

I own three corner shops, four newsagents,
a couple of do-it-yourself shops.

Paint, five litre pots.

Perfect for your handyman, as used by the
local council.

We call it institutional green.

They don't like it, you know.

Warrants.

I can't wait to see Daley's boat race.

I'll be on the old trombone in two
minutes.

To whom?

The whole team.

Busybodies.

Release.

Samaritans.

Exit.

g*y rights.

Not mine.

No, no, no, it's not.

Gone with the wind.

There's a lot of other things in this
place.

To catch a thief.

One of the greats.

Shall I mark your card?

You mean this one?

No, no, no, no, it's not a title.

What I'm trying to say is, these videos
are from a different era.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, Mr Daley...

I'm going to mark yours.

Do you know about Gandhi?

Yeah, one of your own.

Great little man.

He believed in passive resistance.

Yeah, we could do with a bit more of that
these days.

Not me.

Well, there's still some
Indians who believe in turning

the other cheek and the
meek shall inherit the earth.

But there's another tradition,
Arthur.

You don't mind my calling you Arthur,
do you?

No, no, it's an honour.

Warriors, for example.

Jagannaths.

What, lorries?

Thuggy.

Those chaps could certainly have a good
row.

Do you get my drift?

In other words...

Well, to use rather an apt expression,
you're up the Khyber.

No, no, I think you mean I'm up the
Swanee.

You've got ten seconds.

Look, you've got it all wrong.

Six...

Listen... Hello, Mr Chisholm.

Nice to see you.

What's this, a Dutch auction?

Or even a doolally auction.

Do you know Detective
Sergeant Chisholm, a

leading light in the thin
blue line around here?

Well, I suppose you have a lot of business
to do.

Good morning, Mr Daly.

Good morning.

And you, Sergeant.

Chalo.

Chalo.

See you, boys.

Makan.

Jaldi.

Chalo.

What are you selling now?

Second-hand pop-items?

No, I like to do my bit for racialist
relationships.

That bloke last night, he was Indian.

What?

The bloke in the hotel.

Now he tells me.

Was he amongst that lot?

Well... And don't say
they all look the same.

No, definitely not him.

So what is this bond between you and our
Asian brothers?

Only the other day, over in Brick Lane,
bending our ears in the Winchester about.

What's his name?

Shammy?

Is that the connection?

Never heard of him.

Oi, oi, hold on, hold on.

Those are personal effects.

Come on, Mr Chisholm, that's a bit
presumptuous.

I do have some rights, you know.

Like what?

You are trespassing on private property.

Unless you have a magistrate's search
warrant sworn, signed and sealed.

All right.

Want to phone the law centre?

Citizen's advice?

Channel 4?

I think the best thing you should do is
sit down.

Or better still, kneel down and pray that
we don't find anything.

Look, Mr Chisholm, what have I done?

All sorts of things.

I was hoping to find a printing press.

Print... Why?

Well, somebody must be printing these


Would I do that?

Probably.

Come on, Mr Chisholm, all these years
you've known me.

Yes.

Miss Selfridge.

You'd do anything for a pound or a penny.

For a 20-pound note, you'd mortgage your
soul.

That is an offensive remark,
Mr Chisholm.

I've been saving that one up.

Why have I come to see you?

Mr Chisholm, a man is impersonating Roger
Moore.

Sundry Indians booking to hotels.

What is the common denominator?

All roads lead to Daly.

In that case, you'd better search
then.

You carry on.

Have you found anything yet?

All kinds of remarkable things.

Everlasting pencils.

No, no, no, don't buy any of them.

That's just a gimmick.

Scotch.

Lochheim.

Lochheim?

Jews say that.

Yeah, that is for discerning Jewish Scotch
drinkers.

I cater for all palates.

Hello.

It's me.

I'm with Shammy.

He wants some dough to get his ticket.

There's a flight this afternoon.

We'll sh**t over, OK?

Why don't you... Who's that?

You know me, Terrence.

Did you say Shammy?

Is that our Indian friend?

What's the matter with you people?

Don't you trust us?

Go over to McCann's place.

I'll stay here with the
bold Arthur just in case

McCann is stupid enough
to drop in for a cup of tea.

Why shouldn't he?

I mean, the only folding I'm holding was
rolled off by Her Majesty.

Here you go.

Cheers.

You got your passport?

Could be a secret panel.

Yeah.

We might find all kinds of things.

Yeah, and damp will be one of them.

There's a screwdriver over there.

Bent?

Only slightly.

Dear, dear.

As you say, Arthur, damp.

I'll have to get the builders in.

What was it?

Nothing.

You're not complaining about my behaviour,
are you?

Certainly not.

I don't know.

It's like having a till at a hum to tea.

This is a nutcase, Arthur, no question
about it.

A nutcase.

Dear, dear, Arthur.

Not your lucky day.

Hey, look.

Chalo.

Do you know what that is?

Yeah.

I took it to a small fortune.

That's the best thing that ever happened
to me.

My first Yankee, ever.

How'd you pull that out?

Just fancied them, I just knew.

Thanks.

Jeez, well, it's just luck, then.

Don't knock it.

Am I going to have the same luck with you,

Me?

Yeah.

Yeah, you.

You going to stitch me up?

You going to do a runner with my dough,

Or are you going to remember how far we go
back?

Remember, Shammy, page one is you don't
knock your mates.

Now, I'm trusting you, and I'm the only
one who does.

I won't let you down, Tal.

Send us a postcard?

It's very quiet without Arthur,
isn't it?

You fancy him having an early night,
don't you?

The only time he'd done that before was
the first night of his honeymoon.

Here's your c*ck, sir.

What do you reckon?

Handsome?

All right, I'll give him.

What have you come as?

Roger Moore.

That's Roger Moore, look.

It's my new identity.

I've cleaned up my act, as they say.

Nobody recognises me.

I recognise you, sir.

Yeah?

But you had to think about it for a
minute, didn't you?

Give me a large brandy, Dave.

Coming up.

You know, I'll always be grateful for
Arthur.

Yeah, well, he don't see it that way.

He reckons you nicked his money.

How could I?

It wasn't real money, was it?

He's got a point there, hasn't he?

I mean, Arthur couldn't have spent it,
could he?

He would have thought of a way,
wouldn't he?

In fact, I'd done him a favour.

If he'd had the dough in his pocket,
Chisholm would have nicked him.

I mean, to be fair, obviously I'd give him
a drink again.

I think you'd rather have 500 sovs.

You know that mirror's out of order,
don't you?

Brilliant, isn't it?

I might even get a job.

What as?

A newscaster?

No, no, an executive.

I've got a suit.

And I owe you a score as well,
from the betting shops.

Come on.

Listen, you might have
a licence to k*ll someone,

but there's no chance
you're getting away with that.

I don't know.

How about this?

Here you go, Sheriff.

A large brandy.

Thanks, Dave.

No, no, no.

Nice try, Sheriff.

He don't look a bit like Roger Moore,
not in a million years.

Threw it a bit slow, didn't he?

He didn't even mind when Chisholm nicked
him.

That was the right result, him getting off
like that.

I don't know how they managed it.

You see his face when
Churchill... Hey, hold up, hold up.

Look who's here.

God, we're not leading typical,

He disappears for weeks on end and then
sends his old woman.

If she wants money, she's your friend.

Hello, love.

Hello.

Hello, dear.

Good news, like Sammy's got malaria or
curry poisoning?

Terry, that's yours.

He cabled it and he's having a great time.

Didn't get as much as he thought,
but even so...

Why didn't he come and hand it?

He loves it.

I'm going over as well.

Bought me a ticket.

I thought he'd only go on for the day.

Yeah, but he reckons he likes it.

He's got a job.

No, that's he eats.

It's affecting his brain.

Anyway, there's two grand there for you,
Terry, and he said to say thanks.

Got to dash.

Bye.

Ta-ra.

Thank you.

What do you mean, two grand?



Yeah, and 1,500 is mine.

Why?

I had all the aggravation.

You what?

You'd better check those notes.

It might run in the family.

Nah, they're all right.

Well, at least count them.

All right.





Sorry, I miscounted.



I'll start again.

If you

want to, I'll change the situation

I'm just the wrong location

Just you keep me near, I'll be
so good for you I could be so

good for you I'm gonna help
you One and two I'll do anything

I could be so good for you
I'll do a lot One and two There

ain't nothing I can't go
through I'll be so good for you