05x04 - The Second Time Around

[bunniefuu]

I could be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

You can't beat a quiet Sunday drive.

Nice pub lunch, nice few brandies.

Nice breathalyser.

Walking home steady, fresh air.

You're very lyrical, Ronnie.

What you after?

I'm invited you home.

Do I have to be after something?

No, but you probably are.

I'd like to see old friends.

Dear, I don't like the sound of this at
all.

Murray Lane, Arthur?

Yeah.

Had some good times when Barney and Ruby
were living here, didn't we?

That's a lifetime ago.

That's a 16.

We were young and wild then.

Did you speak?

No, no.

I mean, I wouldn't have a pop at anybody
who was young and wild, would I?

Did you have long hair and all that,
did you?

Don't be ridiculous.

Sex and drugs and rock and roll.

Look, when Ruby was
married to his dad, this

house was alive with
learning conversation.

People from the world of letters and books
used to come up for parties.

Interesting social intercourse on the
terrace.

Those sort of parties?

Not at all.

That is just another way of saying talk.

Well, why don't you say talk then?

They were exciting times.

Anything could happen.

Certainly happened for Ruby.

One minute she was
Ruby Abbott of Oxton, next

she was Lorraine
Masters' romantic novelist.

Yeah, making a fortune.

Is that why your dad married her?

Yeah.

Thought he was doing all right here for a
while.

What happened then?

She kept catching him with his hands full.

What?

His hands full of what?

Other women.

Usually 23-year-old dancers from the
London Palladium.

So Barney got booted out the door and Ruby
went to live in Capri.

And now she's coming back.

Really?

She still own this then?

Ruby, Barney and S.

Elizabeth.

Barney talked to her into forming a
company before they bought it.

They all own a piece of it.

But nobody can sell out without the others
agreeing.

Yeah.

When she kicked Barney out, he wanted his
shot in the place, but she wouldn't sell.

It was just to spite him.

They've been letting it on and off since
then.

Ruby's share goes to her in Capri.

And Barney's goes to anything in Trafford
or White City.

Always was a mug punter, Barney.

So, Ruby's coming home to Roos,

No, just to write another book.

She phoned me yesterday.

She wants to be met at the airport
tomorrow.

Couldn't be worse for me, really.

I've got a wedding job at half ten.

Does she know you've been using her roller
for wedding work?

Don't be silly.

She thinks she's up on blocks in a garage.

Arthur!

You remember a couple of months back, I
brought you a Georgian dining suite and sofa?

Four and a half grand to you, three and a
half commission to me.

Went for a blog in Belgium, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, it used to stand here.

Barney asked me to sell it.

I sent him the money.

Haven't seen him since.

It belonged to Ruby.

Well, I thought he owned it.

He told me he did.

You mean to say that your dad has...

He made us accessories to a theft.

Hi, chaps.

I'm right behind you, Terry.

Arthur, what am I going to tell Ruby?

Arthur, please.

Come for a drive, he says.

I'll buy lunch, he says.

Trip down memory lane.

You've always been dodgy, ever since you
were a kid.

Arthur, what am I going to tell Ruby?

Well, I know the truth won't come easy.

She hates me.

I mean, you know what stepson-stepmother
relationships are like.

I neither know nor care.

Arthur, you're involved in a theft.

We acted in good faith.

We?

We?

Had nothing to do with me, mate.

Arthur, when your name's
heard in connection with... Yeah?

Well, nobody'd believe in good faith,
would they?

When my name is heard?

You trying to blackmail me, Ronnie Todd?

No, Arthur, my life.

But you have got to help me get the
furniture back.

From Belgium?

Look, can't you replace it?

Terry, furniture
doesn't grow on... Does.

Well, going back to the old writing game,

Don't remind me.

I suppose it'll be quite hard getting back
into it after all these years.

I know.

The next two or three weeks are going to
be no joke, believe me.

I don't believe you.

I heard that.

Did you have any doubts
about your ability to write

again after 15 years in
retirement, Miss Masters?

I did indeed, dear.

You see, I'm a Hoxton girl with no formal
education to fall back on.

Yeah, no furniture to sit on either.

It was my fans, really, who prompted me to
start to write again.

And I'm sure we've quite a few of them
here today.

Just another lullaby.

Yeah, of course.

People have been very supportive.

Now, I understand when you lived in
England, you... Where'd you used to club?

It's a hallowed daily time.

Louie, Louie, Lou.

Pardon?

Dave?

No, no, it's me, Terry.

Where are you?

I'm at the television studio.

What are you doing there?

You've broken into showbiz, have you?

No, I have not.

I'm protecting myself.

I want to make sure
Ronnie Todd doesn't tell

Ruby I nicked her
furniture or something.

You going to tell her what really
happened, then?

Of course.

It's in store.

What's in store?

Did Tony Strong phone about that mock
Georgian?

Yeah, yeah.

Three and a half grand.

Don't phone him back.

I wish they'd hurry up.

I've got a lot on today.

She's a nice old lady, isn't she?

She's talking about the petty criminals
she used to know.

Obviously remembers you.

Tell her.

Now, I understand that you've received an
advance of 20,000 pounds for this book.

Twenty grand?

I don't know where that rumour started,
dear.

I really don't.

It's an exaggeration, yes?

Well, I don't know anything about these
things.

You see, I never get involved in money
matters.

Quite right, my dear.

You're an artist.

Then how do you manage your financial
affairs?

Dear.

He's still at it.

I'm double parked.

Well, you wait in the car, Ron.

I'll wait for Ruby.

I don't mind.

You're very fortunate.

Sure you don't mind.

I'm quite sure I don't mind.

You could look after that sort of thing.

I'll find it, in a way, if you can
understand, sordid.

Well, thank you for talking
with us this afternoon,

Miss Masters, and
welcome back to England.

My pleasure, I'm sure, dear.

Welcome home, my dear.

Thank you.

Mind her?

She's a little old lady, isn't she?

Who is writing a book?

Well, she's writing to get in her burrow,
Nick.

She's writing a book about love,
romance and crime.

So?

Well, she wants to research the crime bit.

You know, visit a few drinking clubs,
meet a few suspect characters.

What for?

She knows you, doesn't she?

Look, I told her she needs a mind and she
wants to meet you.

Give her a bit of rabbit about what it's
like in prison and all that.

You know, they love that, writers.

I mean, it don't have to be true,
but it'll all be in a book.

So you're a writing expert now,
are you?

Listen, when I met all them literary
people back in the 60s, Julia March said I

had an honest, rustic humour and an eye
for a fine tale.

Julia March said that?

Yeah.

What, the Julia March?

Yeah, the famous Julia March.

Never heard of her.

Aren't you coming in, Ruby?

Bugger off!

What?

So the car's been up on blocks in the
garage, has it?

What's this then, air ribbon?

And what's this cap for?

Fetishist party?

Ruby... Get out of my sight.

Naff off, you cheeky little bugger.

Like father, like son.

You get on my bleeding nerves,
you two.

Ruby, I can explain.

Shut up, Ronnie.

She's tumbled you.

What am I going to do, Arthur?

Go and have a lie down.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Listening to the football.

Turn it off, turn it off.

Come on, she wants to meet you.

Tidy yourself up.

What for?

To meet the nice lady.

Come on.

Ruby?

Ruby?

Ruby?

I'm here, I'm in the kitchen.

All this clean, Arthur.

I pay a cleaning woman, you know,
to come in here three times a week.

But it's against her union rules to rub
hard.

Terry will give you a hand.

Will he?

Hello.

Ruby Arvin, Terry McHale.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you too.

You do very nicely, Arthur.

What time do you make it?

Four o'clock.

Well, I'm on Capri time.

That makes it an hour in advance,
you see.

Just c*ck time.

Fancy a couple of quick ones?

Why not?

Do you want to get on with the c*ck?

No, that's all right.

Come on over here.

You're nobody till somebody loves you
You're nobody till somebody cares

Arthur, this piano wants a bit of tuning.

Don't worry, I'll have it done for
you, Ruby.

Don't you worry either.

She won't be stopping that long.

When the new book comes out, you'll be here
all the time knocking them out wholesale.

Too cold.

Besides, most people I know are dead or in
Florida.

Like Julia March.

What a writer, Ruby?

Writer?

She couldn't write home for money.

I said, when's been Georgian Furniture
coming back?

Did you say, Arthur?

Yeah, Thursday week, Ruby.

Yeah, yeah.

Blimey, where are they storing it?

Scotland?

Ha, ha, ha, Scotland.

You're a card, Ruby.

Scotland.

All right, all right, all right.

Calm down.

Or else you're going to have to be put
back in your basket.

It's funny, isn't it, how your life rushes
by.

Do you know, it only seems two minutes
since we was all here together.

Me, Barney, friends, parties.

Happy days, Ruby.

Well, we was going somewhere then.

I certainly thought I was.

Wish you had.

You was involved with Ban the b*mb,
wasn't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Him?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You?

Yeah, I was, as a matter of fact.

Used to flog on badges.

Went like hot cakes during the Cuba
m*ssile Crisis.

If they hadn't turned them ships back,
I could have made a fortune.

When the world
sighed with relief and the

bottom fell right out
of the badge business.

I think I'll flog this place.

I shall go and see Barney and the
solicitor and get them to agree to it.

And then I'll get them to dissolve that
silly bloody company they made me form.

He said I had to call it Bar-Rube.

Barney and Ruby it was.

But mind you, I was earning all the money.

My name should have come first.

Would have been rhubarb then, wouldn't it?

Terry.

What's the new book going to be called,
Ruby?

Where's My Georgian Furniture,
a whodunnit.

I don't know.

Do you want another drink, Terry?

No, not for me, thanks.

No, I've got to, you know.

I know.

Going off to see your girlfriend,
are you?

No, I know.

I know, you young people.

Off you go.

Right.

I don't mind being on me own here.

It's so funny, Arthur.

I never used to feel lonely here,
but I...

It's different now.

It seems so cold and empty.

Look, Ruby, if you're nervous,
Terry will stay with you till you turn in.

Will he?

Of course he will.

No, he won't.

Yes, he will.

That's very kind of you.

He's a very kind lad.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You can stay the night.

But I haven't got me razor.

Don't worry.

I'll give you one.

Cupboard full of memories here,
you know, Terry.

There we are.

Open that.

I locked it all away, you know,
before I went to Capri.

I bought that.

The Barneys' Christmas stocking.



I bought this for meself.

It's pretty, isn't it?

Yeah.

What's this?

Look at that.

Look at that.

I know.

We was going to spend a quiet Christmas
Eve together.

I can remember sitting waiting for him,
listening to the bells in Amsterd Church.

Got back at five in the morning.

He said the car had broken down.

Again.

Drink on his breath, mascara on his shirt.

Again.

Of course, I'd done all his shirts for him
then, you know, Terry.

Turnbull and Asser.

They'd stand any amount of scrubbing on
the collars.

If it had been any other night,
I'd have just ignored it.

But, I mean, if Christmas doesn't mean
anything, well...

Here, have that.

No, no, I couldn't do that.

Go on.

Things don't mean anything, really.

And, listen, Terry, you don't have to
stay.

I know you don't want to.

No, no, no, it's not that.

I mean, I don't really mind.

You're a very kind young man.

You can sleep in the guest room.

All right, then.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Terry, what's your favourite
breakfast?

I don't know.

I eat anything.

Well, you tell me and we'll get it for
you.

Is that what you tell your joke?

It's clean.

Yeah, all right, go on.

Well, there was this elf, you see,
and it was sitting on a toadstool.

Hiya, Arthur.

How's your luck?

Sparse, Dave, sparse.

Hiya, mate.

Ronnie Todd found.

From a long way away, I hope.

Give us a VAT, Dave.

Yeah.

Did Tony Strong ring?

No.

No, of course he didn't.

What you got there?

What you doing?

Thinking Georgian.

Yeah, well, old Ruby's a bit
concerned about all that, is it, Holmes?

Old Ruby?

You make her sound like a bottle of port.

Do you like this?

Look, look, look.

She give me this.

It's cashmere.

Hey, you're doing all right there,
then.

Yeah.

You staying there every night?

Well, I don't know, really.

She does get a bit nervous on her own,
though.

She's got some energy, though,
hasn't she?

Yeah, she does half a bottle
of vodka a night, then she's

up at seven the next morning
cleaning the kitchen floor.

You're late, Terry.

No, the traffic was m*rder.

Hello, Ruby.

What you doing here?

I'm looking after you, Ruby.

I thought I'd liaise with your publisher,
all that, you know.

Well, I hope you enjoy it.

Me and Terry's got somewhere to go.

Bye-bye.

Bloody publishers.

Think they own you.

I know it's the draft manuscript by the
end of the month.

Well, it's a bit swift, innit?

Well, I did say they
could have it at the end

of last month, but
what with this and that.

Now he says he's sending a secretary round
to help out.

I told him.

I said, it's not like the old days,
you know.

One book a month.

It's not easy for me any more,
not easy at all.

I thought they'd give me a bit of time.

You know, make a bit of a fuss of me.

Get me a few chat shows.

You've done a chat show.

One's not enough.

Had to get that myself.

Rang up three times before they remembered
who I was.

The Blue Room at the
Regency was just... Sorry?

I'm working, Terry.

Was just as Louise had remembered it.

She'd spent three happy days there with
Silvio the summer before.

His wife had been dead for
almost two years, during which

time she had nursed his two
tiny children, Emil and Maria.

She had seen him change from the powerful
Adonis that every woman desired but only

one possessed to the shy, nervous man
whose life seemed to be almost over.

I'm having the beef.

Old Silvio's getting on all right with
Louise, isn't he?

That's the calm before the storm.

She meets Alex soon.

Alex is a well-known London criminal.

My God, they've nicked a lot!

I'll phone the police.

Here, hang on.

Phone the press first.

Where you been?

I've been ringing you all day.

What's wrong?

Wrong?

Who nicked Ruby's furniture?

You and me.

Not the Georgia and all the rest of it.

I've no idea.

Everything except the kitchen gear is
gone.

I'm supposed to be at a
function and I'm not, cos

I'm arranging for beds
to be sent over to her.

I swear you know nothing.

No!

No, Arthur, my life!

You've really got me into something,
you have.

I've had Terry driving around in a roller
with a heater on to keep her warm,

and I'm late for my function all because
I'm playing Mr Nice Guy.

Thank goodness me Georgian furniture's in
store.

I haven't liked that other stuff much,
you know.

Barney got it off a some bloke he knew.

What time is it?

Six-thirty.

Time for a refill.

Here, I'll tell you what, Terry.

Louise could have her furniture stolen,
and then Alex could find out who took it.

Yeah, that's an idea, innit?

Yeah.

Yeah, that way she'd be in his debt,
wouldn't she?

Obligated to him.

So she'd probably want to stay with him or
something like that.

Yeah, we'll use that.

Then Silvio could come round on a visit.

He's tall and blonde, you know.

Who, Silvio?

No, the fellow in the garden.

Come on, I think you've had enough of
that, don't you?

I'm not drunk, Terry.

No, I know you're not drunk, but Silvio's
only in the book, isn't he?

I'm talking about the bloke out there.

All right, Sunbeam, come on, what's your
game?

Hi.

I'm Andy.

Yeah, I'm a bit tasty myself, son.

Are you and the old lady squatting?

Do what?

It doesn't matter.

We're not moving in for at least a couple
of weeks.

We moved the furniture
out because... Moving in?

The new Divine Light movement.

We've bought the place.

I don't believe it, it's not true.

It is bleeding true.

Barney sold the gaff.

My God.

What's that?

Divine Light movement?

Divine Light movement?

I don't believe it.

I'm supposed to be at a function.

Ruby.

I'm going to get you a nice hot drink.

Tar, not you.

I'm supposed to be at a function.

I couldn't believe it.

How could he, Arthur?

How could he?

I didn't think it hated me so much.

Have you called the police?

No.

Good, good.

It's the best thing you could do.

Listen, were you around here the other
night?

Yes, the old lady saw me.

I was a bit nervous about coming in,
actually.

I thought I might frighten her.

Yeah, I thought she'd gone potty.

Yeah, you're about six foot, aren't you?

Blonde, strong, square jaw.

Yeah.

You're just like Silvio.

Hello.

Why don't you talk to your solicitor
first?

Because he's involved in it.

Don't you understand anything?

You see, me, Barney and the solicitor was
all equal partners in the company.

They've diddled me, Arthur.

They've done me out of everything.

Here you go, Rupe.

Drink that up.

What is it?

Hot chocolate.

No, thank you.

Come on, it'll help you sleep.

I'll be sick.

You won't be sick.

Now, come on, drink it up.

It's a good girl.

That's horrible.

All right.

Note.

Louise visits her aunt who has been robbed
and Alex may help to find the stuff.

Something like that.

Fraud, isn't it?

Fraud, that's what he's up for.

Sixty years old and he has to turn to
something like that.

I can't protect him if the police get hold
of it.

Why did he do it, Arthur?

Why?

Because he's a crook, Arthur.

He's a child.

Big ideas, dreams.

He could never bear being locked up.

And I can't afford a good lawyer for him.

My advance is practically gone.

Gone?

Well, I did have it five months ago.

Now I've got this damn book to write.

I mean, I was... I was good to him.

I looked after him.

He had everything he wanted with me,
except the chorus line at the London

bloody Palladium.

He couldn't get enough of that b*stard.

I'll have him for every penny.



Must be for a place like this.

All right, Ruby, come on, calm down.

Arthur's going to help you.

You're going to find Barney, aren't you?

My name is Arthur Daly, not Philip
Marlowe.

Yeah, but you're going to find Barney,
aren't you?

Yeah, I'll do what I can.

If I do get the money back, Ruby,
would there be a percentage?

You wouldn't find me ungrateful,
Arthur.

You leave it to me, Ruby.

You're in very good hands.

Thanks.

Can I help you?

Mr Drayum?

He's away.

I thought he might be.

Any idea when, if, he's coming back?

He's in Spain.

Of course he is, where all the funny money
goes.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Susan Hall.

Mr Scott, the publisher, sent me.

I'm going to be working with Miss Masters.

Yeah?

I'm Terry McCann.

I'm her minder.

Yeah.

I rang the bell, but...

I asked him if there was anyone in,
but he didn't seem to notice.

No, he was probably a bit busy.

Humming.

Hello, hello, hello.

The first of day, Terry.

I should hope so and all.

Well, honest, it is.

Come on, I don't mind.

It's just that I hate being chastised.

I wasn't chastising you, I was having a
little joke.

Was that the secretary?

Yeah, I bundled her in the front room.

Ta-da!

I got you those.

I thought they might cheer you up.

I can't write it, Terry.

Of course you can.

We've done it before, haven't you?

Well, it's just like riding a bike,
isn't it?

No.

You know, this chap, John Graham,
very dodgy character.

Swindled a children's charity once.

What?

Nothing proved, of course.

Yes, he's sailed very close to the wind on
several occasions.

Well, he's taken them all the way to Spain
this time.

Look, Jack, I know it's a sore point,
but you being a bit of an expert on fraud,

how would you suggest I go about finding
Barney and this geezer Drayton?

Well, if you've gone to Spain for good,
I should forget it.

On the other hand, a search at a company's
house might turn something up.

You've got to know what you're looking
for, of course.


day, Arthur.

You're on.

But no detours to the Black Swan.

I want this in hurry.

Trust me, Arthur.

Everybody wants me to trust them.

There you go.

Many thanks.

Spain?

Yes, well... Could be a
property deal there, too.

Could be involved in time sharing.

There will be if they ever come back over
here.

There you go, Jack.

There you go.

Has Arthur come up with anything,
then?

It's only been a couple of days,
hasn't it?

I'd be surprised if he was in with them.

They're all chancers.

Be fair, Ruby.

Don't mind working evenings, do you,
dear?

No.

It's frightfully interesting for me.

Wish it was for me.

Louise gazed out at a London that she no
longer knew.

Silvio ran his fingers
through his hair and

pressed his foot hard
down on the accelerator.

Their private jet was waiting.

He wanted to be out of there.

I'm not disturbing your love life,
am I, dear?

But you'll be taking this down in
shorthand as well, won't you?

Sorry.

Thank you.

She had dreamed of private jets, a home
in the sunshine and the power of wealth.

But as she looked at the harsh
landscape which had once been

her home, she realised she had
lost more than she had gained.

Her tears were not, as Silvio thought,
for that London criminal, Alex McCann,

but for what she had lost.

Hope, innocence and a home.

You don't mind me calling him McCann,
do you, Terry?

No, no, no.

What happens to him?

I wish I knew.

Hello, Ron.

Got a minute?

Jack Hodgson.

Ron Todd.

Good afternoon.

Well, how does it feel to be a director
of Suntour Investments Limited, Ron?

Pardon?

I'll give you pardon.

You, Ron Todd, have been giving me a right
run around.

Me?

Put your hands up.

You've been tumbled.

You, Barney and that bent
brief John Drayon conspired

to diddle Ruby Hubbard out
of more than a hundred grand.

Jack sorted out the old deal.

A company called Baroub set up another
company called Suntour.

Ron Todd replaces Ruby as director,
but she don't know that.

He forges her signature and then the
directors of Baroub flog her house.

The money goes to Suntour
and is then lent to another

company, Suntrip, for
a property deal in Spain.

More than a third of that money was
fraudulently acquired.

You are nicked.

Now be careful, Arthur.

I mean, you flog stolen Georgian
furniture.

I mean... My pal.

You get on the phone, Jack.

Ask to speak to Inspector... No!

Please.

Don't.

What?

I hope you don't mind me
asking, but I was wondering

if you'd care to know
more about Divine Light.

Everyone gives their time for free.

We donate 10% of our incomes.

In your case, I suppose that'd be 10% of
sod all.

Divine Light lawyers will probably want to
talk to you soon about your being here.

Do you know when you'll be going yet?

Terry?

Yeah?

Do you want scrambled eggs for your tea?

Yes, please.

Ronnie?

Arthur Daly, isn't it?

Barney?

Anything to declare?

Yes, the smiling assassin.

I, um... I
can't get this right.

Silvio's hot, passionate breath...

was getting right up Louise's nose that...

dank, stormy evening down at Dog and
Bucket in Camden Town.

You should take up writing.

There's a lot of my own stuff in this,
you know.

I mean, that stuff in the billiard hall,
all pure McCann.

Yeah, she's stuck again, isn't she?

Yeah.

See, the problem is
getting Louise away from

Alex without Silvio putting
too much pressure on.

What you want, really, about Chapter 12,


is for Alex to do something that makes him
look like the right slag he is...

and that Silvio's the right person,
you know.

And you're a professional bodyguard?

Yeah.

When I'm not doing woman's hour.

Has she gone back yet?

Like I said, I'm prepared
to keep my mouth shut

for a few days while you
get her money together.

Arthur, this is not pennies and eightnies,
you know.

It's international finance, big money.

Big stolen money.

That's not strictly true, Mr Daly.

Who threw you a biscuit?

I've got the SP on you, my son.

Fiddling money from a kid's charity.

Disgusting.

He did what?

There was nothing ill*gal about that
transaction.

There was something ill*gal about forgery,
though.

Look, Arthur, if some
Sydney geezer in a flesh

suit did this, it'd be
called good business.

We do it, it's called fraud.

I mean, is that just, Arthur?

I put it to you.

I'm not here to argue morals.

No, no, but that's not really in your
line, is it?

I'm here to protect the interests of my
client.

Once a bum, I told you he did.

Never mind a bum, what about the Georgian
furniture?

You found some.

I know where some similar to Georgian can
be found, yes.

Which means it's not really Georgian.

Well, there isn't all that much left,
is there?

When the Georgians didn't spend all their
lives knocking out furniture, they had to

worry about the plague and disease and all
that.

Leave off, Arthur.

All right, come on, how much?

Five grand.

Five?

You're a robber.

Inflation.

Inflation?

That's extortion.

Hang on, does that buy your silence?

I suppose most of the money's in Spain
now, is it?

I really don't think that's any of your
business.

Yeah, half of it is.

We had to show good faith.

Yeah, that can't have been easy.

No, I'm sorry, I do not trust foreigners.

You owe Ruby more than a hundred grand.

Arthur, there is a fortune waiting to be
made in Spain.

Not with Ruby, not with the books.

She ain't gonna write no more bestsellers,
believe me.

She only just got through them the first
time.

I mean, I had to come up with most of the
plots myself.

Get off.

Arthur, she'd worded in, I'll give you
that, but plots was down to me.

I mean, I've had a bit
more experience in the

world of love and
romance than what she had.

Yeah, at the London Palladium.

Yeah, and at Prince of Wales.

Look, the point is, Arthur,
I mean, you'd be better off

just keeping your mouth quiet
and joining us in a few quid.

Of course, there is another way.

He could hardly blow the whistle if we
didn't let him out of this room.

Kept him here for three days.

You going raving mad?

What did you say?

Ignore him.

He's... My boy, Terry,
will have your arms off.

He didn't mean it, Arthur.

You come here threatening... We are
businessmen.

I've never heard a light in all my life.

I'm sorry, I cannot deal.

Arthur, think about it.

I'm shocked.

Arthur, please!

Bloody shocked.

Do you know, Drayum, if you had a brain,
you'd be an half-wit.

What have you got, Terry?

Two nurses in a Riviera car crash meet two
playboys.

A millionaire with a sick daughter.

And property tycoon falls in love with a
nurse.

That's all cards.

Why don't we use a detective?

I mean, you know, something like American
cop.

Comes to London, something like that.

No.

That other idea you had was favourite.

Yeah, but I mean, detectives sell books,
you know.

I mean, there's a detective in everything
you read, isn't there?

What have you got, Susan?

Well, I think I've won, actually.

Policewoman meets and falls in love with
crook.

That's... Good girl.

That's smashing.

Yeah, I remember that.

That was in an Italian newspaper,
you know.

Yeah, we could use that.

I mean, Alex could, like, meet her on a
raid.

Something like that.

Yeah, me and Barney used to do this for
hours, you know, with the car.

He'd come up with the idea.

I mean, if everyone was short of something
for a book, he'd get the cards out.

And, you know, it was my eighth novel.

I remember it was called Highland Fling.

A Scottish romance, you know, Susan.

And I remember
Barney said... Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

This is Faith.

She's staying with me.

They're moving in.

Can't wait, can you?

Our lovely house.

That b*stard Barney Todd.

He sold me out.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it!

Furniture money.

Barney says you're still a robber,
but maybe you'll be a quiet one.

Don't let me keep you.

Did I not get a drink?

Yeah, you get them over there.

What kept you?

A queue in the saloon bar at the Black
Swan.

So sorry.

Look, Jack, I've been working out how many
pesetas to the pound.

And it's quite a lot, you know.

Really?

Yeah, look, supposing I wanted a shift of
some of the money, let's say five grand,

to, um... Well, let's just
say Spain, for instance.

I mean, how would I go about... Dear,
they haven't wrapped you in, have they?

No.

Why?

Well, the land they bought in Spain,
you know who.

It's a swamp.

Yeah, but that, Drail Geezer,
I mean, he's a solicitor.

I mean, shouldn't he look into swamps?

Greed makes men blind, Arthur.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, at the present rate of
exchange...

You weren't thinking of going in with
them, were you?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Are you sure?

They've been done for a hundred grand.

All right, Ron?

Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.

Now, he does want it, doesn't he?

Yeah, yeah, I've got half the dough here.

Because first he phones, says he's got the
cash and wants the stuff.

Then he phones back and said he needs the
money for something else.

Here you are, here you are.

There.

The chairs won't be finished till Friday.

I can deliver at the weekend, all right
for you?

Yeah, any time's all right for me,
yeah.

It's Georgian?

Yeah.

George made it last week.

I thought you would have legged it.

At my age, I don't want to go inside,
Arthur.

I should be worth half a million quid
today.

I was never going to rob her, you know.

I just wanted to borrow her share as
working capital.

Well, thank God you didn't shift it all
abroad.

You'd be talking to Interpol now,
not me.

It's partly her fault.

If she wasn't determined
to hang on to the house,

I wouldn't have had to
have done any of this.

I told Drea what was willing to bring her
in on the deal.

I mean, she'd have made a nice bit of
purse out of it if it worked.

Well, the irony is, Barney, she wants to
sell the house.

No, don't tell me that, Arthur.

Have you, brought the, um...

Here, you'd better pay for the breakfast.

I haven't got anything smaller than that.



She hasn't lost a penny.

And you saved her stamp duty on the house.

It was just a joke, Barney.

There's people out there
making millions every

day, bent and straight,
but not Barney Todd.

I thought at 62 I'd finally cracked it.

Yeah, well, the game's just about up
anyway.

The old ticket, you know, it's only a
matter of time.

Leave off.

It's the truth, Arthur.

I should have played fair and square with
Ruby the first time around.

You don't get any second chances,
not at my time of life.

I, I don't suppose
you could help me out with

Ruby, could you, Arthur,
just for old time's sake?

Would you help me?

You know I wouldn't.

Well, she's still got a soft spot for you,
you know.

You think?

I'll think about it.

Don't hum, dear.

Goes right through me.

Well, that's that.

This book's going to put you right back on
top, Ruby.

Is it?

I think we've done very, very well.

The book's done, I got all
your money back for you,

and I'm sure you're
satisfied with Terry's services.

Very, yeah.

Well, I think we should
have a closer business

relationship when
you start the next book.

I mean, anyone who can get money out of a
man like Barney can sort anything out.

He tried every trick in the book.

Said he hadn't got long to live,
heart condition.

I said, the only condition you've
got, old son, is... He said what?

Don't swallow it, Ruby.

You know him, he's an old schmoozer.

Nah, he knew he'd last all right.

He's staying with Ronnie.

He'll land on his feet, as usual.

I said to him, I said, Barney,
you are not cut out for big business.

You always do everything wrong.

Now me, I mean I, for instance...

I, I, I, me, me, me, that's what we
bleedin' here from you, innit?

All right, Barney's a bit dodgy,
but so are you, sunshine.

And he's an old man.

So either shut up or get out and walk.

You want to liaise with my publisher?

Give him that.

Right.

Now, Barney, it's up to you.

Fine pickle you got yourself into,
didn't you?

That is true.

You got it.

You haven't come to gloat, have you,
Ruby?

Well, you know me better than that,
don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.

How have you been?

I'm very well, Barney.

I mean, everything's fine with me.

You must hate me by now.

You've got every reason.

There's no use beating about the bush,
I suppose.

At least I'm man enough to admit that I
did flog your arse behind your back.

Well, you can hardly deny it, could you?

That's, that's right.

That is correct.

And I don't hate anybody.

What's your date?

It's up.

What, half and all, have you?

No, no, I haven't seen him since yesterday
when Ruby threw him out the roller.

That must have bent his point of view.

Not many.

How's the book going?

It's all done.

It's all finished, yeah, smashing.

Well, I think there's a bit of romance in
the air, you know.

What, half for a Ruby?

No, no, no, no, no.

Ruby and Barney?

Yeah, she spent four
hours with him yesterday and

she's gone back to see
him again this afternoon.

Well, it is a turn-up.

Why is life so unfair?

I give in.

Why is life so unfair?

Personal management of Ruby is up the
spout.

What Barney said is quite true,
she can't write without him.

This wonderful book we've all been waiting
for.

You know what she's gone and done?

What's that?

Rewritten Lady at the Window.

Well, that's an old book.

Exactly, that was her first book.

What's up, lost your license?

Don't you serve drinks anymore?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Does that mean you're buying?

Certainly not.

Have you seen the doctor about this thing?

Who told you about that?

Arthur Daly.

Lemon, I begged him not to.

Button your coat up, you'll catch a...

What are you going to do about it?

Probably put my name down for an old
people's home.

Stop it.

I'll be all right.

I've got a few interesting business
ventures, you know.

What?

Well, business, like, you know.

How's the book?

Best thing I've ever done.

It's my story, you know.

Yeah, well, some of
the stories I came up with

weren't all that much
of a bottle, were they?

I don't know.

I've got 14 books out of three of your
ideas.

Yeah, I know.

Mind you, they've still got to be written.

Yeah, I agree.

Writing Dutch is a tricky one,
isn't it?

I...

What?

I'm... I'm really glad you're a successor,
you know.

Yes.

Yes, I... I am.

You got many friends in Capri,
have you?

Hundreds.

Right, you've got the lot then,
haven't you?

Everything you've ever worked for.

We had everything, Barney, and you chucked
it away.

Yeah.

Married to the successful, attractive
writer Lorraine Masters.

Reflected glory.

That's all I ever had, Ruby.

No.

It's true, gal.

I mean, I know I was just an East End lad
ready for anything that fell off the back

of a barrow, but I did help you a lot in
the early days.

I never said you didn't.

You never said I did either.

You were so busy looking after your
career, you didn't have time for me.

That's why I started messing about.

It's all history, innit?

Anyway, I really am glad you're a
successor again, gal.

Hope you'll be very happy.

I am.

I'm... I'm very, very happy.

I give you Ruby.

Ruby!

Here's to another Lorraine Masters
success.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, when are we publishing, then?

A few months.

My publisher never tells me nothing.

Terry, come here.

I want to talk to you.

I understand you sold Ruby's car for her.

Yeah, why?

Do you want to buy a motor?

No, no.

I'm just a poor publisher.

Dear Ruby.

Dear's a word, innit?

She's cost you a few extra, Bob.

Do you think she knows what she's done?

You mean re-written her first novel?

Yeah.

No, I don't think she does.

So what will you do?

Get the advance back off her?

No, she keeps the advance.

Keeps it?

How did... That's not
an original idea, Mr Scott.

What is these days?

Books, TV, cinema, it's all the same.

The fact that this is the same as her
first book makes no difference.

It's called Formula Romance.

Did Ronnie say where he'd gone?

No, he just said Barney had gone away.

I left you a letter.

Gone away?

I must have met some dancing girl again.

Well, it's back home to Capri for me then.

Could be worse, couldn't it?

Your taxi, Miss Masters.

Call me Ruby, love.

I won't bite you.

I'm glad I saw him, Terry.

I mean, I thought I'd give
him hell for a little while

and then we'd have a few
smashing years in the sunshine.

But of course, life's not all violinists
and pigeons, is it?

And it never finishes up like those soppy
stories I write.

There you go, that's the lot.

There you go, Ruby.

Thanks.

Ruby!

I've got your note.

Ronnie said you'd gone away.

Yeah, well, I did sort of.

This fellow I know had a greyhound
running down in... I don't want to hear it!

Well, you always pack me off home if you
get sick of me.

Yeah, I probably will.

Where do you want this furniture,
Arthur?

Is that me Georgian?

Yeah, Ruby.

Sell it for me, Arthur.

I'll do my best.

Must be worth all of three grand,
Ruby.

Three?

I'll give you five, you robber.

I'll do my best, Barney.

Trust me.

Anyway, let's go.

Let's go.

Off you go.

Ta-ra.

Have a nice time.

Bye-bye.

Someone must love that Barney Todd.

Who needs publishing when you can sell the
same furniture three times?

Call me a sentimentalist, but I love a
happy ending.

I'll change the situation

Right people, right time Just the wrong
location

Good idea Just you keep me near I'll be so
good for you I could be so good for you

I'm gonna help you out Love you like you
want me to I'll do anything I'll be so

good for you I could be so good for you
I'll do it like you want me to Love you

like you want me to There ain't nothing I
can't go through I'll be so good for you