01x22 - Van Ranseleer's Operation

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

Here's your dead soldiers there, Harry.

Where do you keep the swizzle sticks?

Why would you need a swizzle stick

for a straight rye?

To mix in the bitters and vermouth,

s'il vous plait?

Get a load of this, will you?

Hmm?



a Manhattan.

Why?

Because a Manhattan helps me forget

I'm working in Queens.

And after one of these, even you start to look better.

Listen, lady, any time you don't like working here--

Oh, she likes it, and we like her, shut up.

Hey, listen, wise guy, don't push me.

I get offers all the time,

even from California.

Oh, oh, oh, California.

Where they got all the earthquakes, the landslides, and the mud.

Freeway's crowded with Arabs.

They also got "Charlie's Angels" out there.

Oh, hey, that's right, "Charlie's Angels."

Maybe she could be one of them, huh?

Yeah, I could.

Except I don't wanna shave my legs.

Here's an interesting story.

It's about a guy who's been blind for 20 years.

What a hangover.

Come on.

Anyway, he's been blind for 20 years,

now he can see again.

And his doctor is right here in New York City.

So what?

So what?

So, I'm thinking about somebody we know.

Yeah, who?

Who does he mean? Mr. Van Ranseleer?

Hmm.

That's swift thinking, Arch.

You know, I can never think of that man as really blind.

Yeah, well, anyway, the operation is called a vitrectomy.

A vic-- Oh, come on, Barney, don't show your ignorance.

A vitrectomy? That ain't for your eyes.

That's for your privates.

- Let's have a look. - No.

Not at you, the paper.

I said a vitrectomy, Arch,

not a vasectomy.

It's a new operation done under a microscope.

Come on, a microscope, that's impossible.

It says so right there in the paper.

How the hell are you gonna get a whole person

onto one of them little glass slides?

It says that sight has been restored in otherwise hopeless cases.

Yeah.

Wouldn't it be great if something like that

could restore Mr. Van R's sight?

Uh-hmm. Yeah. Why is he blind?

Because he can't see nothing.

It says the operation works for anybody

who has detached retinas.

Why don't we ask him what he's got?

Well, I think we ought to think about that.

He might be very sensitive about the whole thing.

Hey, hey, Murray's right, you know.

You wanna ask a question like that

in a very, what you call, roundabout way.

Okay, so what do you suggest?

Well, here.

You could ask him if he's seen any good movies lately.

And when he says no, which he probably will,

then you ask, "How come?"

[tires screech, honking]

Here he is now.

Good morning, everybody.

All: Good morning, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Do I detect an air of mystery hanging in here?

Uh, oh, well, maybe she's cooking hash out there.

We were just discussing the news of the day, Mr. Van R.

Huh?

Anything happy for a change?

Hmm, well, maybe.

Go ahead, Barney, there's your opening. Tell him.

- Shh. - Don't shush me, huh?

What is it, Arch? You tell me.

Uh, well,

maybe there's some good news, Mr. Van R.

But I gotta to break it to you easy, you know.

I gotta first ask you a question.

Arch, roundabout, roundabout.

Please, I know what I'm doing.

Why are you blind?

[all groan]

I'm doing the best I can here.

Arch, it's a long uninteresting story.

Well, no, come on, you can tell me.

I mean, I'm interested

in all my customer's misfortunates.

You never let me talk about my divorce.

Your divorce was a stroke of luck like mine.

I also had a gallbladder operation.

Barney, I'd like to hear about your operation.

- Murray: And so would I. - [chattering]

Barney, Barney, cut it out.

They did.

Barney, stop exposing yourself.

She's looking over here.

Mr. Van R.,

tell me how did this thing happen?

Was it one of them childhood accidents there,

or is it what you call "congenitals"?

Well, you know, that's when all your ancestors

was blind, too.

Archie, leave the man alone, will you?

How about a little eye-opener, Mr. Van Ranseleer?

- Oh, my goodness. - [chattering]

[mutters]

Listen, Mr. Van R., see,

maybe there's a way to get your eyesight back.

Barney found it in the paper there,

and it all depends if you got to--

What do you call that?

- Detached retinas. - Yes.

If you're lucky enough to have them.

Archie, if I tell you, can we move on to some new topics?

- Oh, yeah, sure. - You promise?

Oh, I give you my word.

Yes.

Detached retinas.

Both eyes?

Both eyes.

- Now, listen, Mr. Van R-- - Archie, you promised to drop this.

Yeah, but I had my fingers crossed.

You couldn't have noticed.

Mr. Van R., I respect your privacy,

and we're not gonna pursue this subject anymore, are we?

Murray, read him the article in the paper.

Yeah, it's a new operation, Mr. Van R.

It's performed under microscopes.

Read it, Murray.

- All right. - Don't trouble, Murray.

I got some shopping to do.

I think I'll do it right now.

Hey, don't go, Mr. Van Ranseleer.

I'm just gonna read you the stock market and the sports.

Forget it.

Murray, Murray, Murray, do something.

- Stop the man, huh? - I can't stop him.

- What are you talking about? - It's for his own good.

- Hey, take his cane away. - What?

Are you nuts?

I don't want an operation,

and I don't wanna discuss it anymore.

- [car honks] - [door shuts]

What's the matter with him?

Do you suppose he likes being blind?

Do you like being stupid?

Yeah, I love it.

Well, that's good, Barney,

'cause there ain't no operation for that.

Maybe he ain't got the money.

Well, why didn't he say so?

Well, some people are too proud to say they're broke.

My ex was like that.

- Proud? - Broke.

Say, wait a minute.

Maybe we could raise the money amongst ourselves.

I got it.

We'll sell chances and give away a car.

Where are we gonna get a car?

We'll take up our collection and buy one.

Why don't we just raise the money for an operation?

Who the hell is gonna buy a chance on an operation?

He means give the money directly to Mr. Van Ranseleer.

Yeah.

Oh, wouldn't that be beautiful?

Mr. Van Ranseleer getting a gift

of his sight back?

Geez, that's just what happened to young Lance Prentiss

on "The Young and the Restless."

Only Lance wasn't blind.

He was impotent, but this guy--

Now, suppose we raise the money

and he still doesn't wanna go?

You know what we can do?

We can don't tell him where he was going

until he gets there.

Where are you gonna don't tell him where he's going?

I don't know, Murray, geez, pick a place,

Coney Island.

You mean to tell me he's not gonna know the difference

between a doctor's office and Coney Island?

Well, how is he gonna know that he ain't in Coney Island

if he can't see?

He can smell, can't he?

This doctor finally restored Lance's manhood to him.

[all groaning]

Would you give us a break here?

It's a very beautiful story.

And you, Murray,

you're getting in the way of this thing.

You're supposed to be the big do-gooder around here.

Archie, I'm all for doing good.

But you can't force a man to go to a doctor.

All right, listen, I'll handle this.

- You do what? - Oh, yes.

[overlapping shouting]

- I'll handle-- - You stay out of this.

I'll get him there and he won't know where he's going.

And as usual, neither will you.

You'll see.

You'll see, you'll see.

All of youse will see.

Except maybe you.

[music playing]

[knocks on door]

Just a moment.

If that's you trying to get me to go to Coney Island again, Arch,

I'm gonna call the cops, I swear.

Stephanie: It's me.

Oh.

You mean it's I?

Stephanie: No, it's you in there, but it's me out here.

All right.

I never turned a lady away because of grammar.

You just come from school?

No, school's out. I just came from the joint.

- The what? - You know, the restaurant.

Oh.

Came to bring you a message.

Message?

From Archie?

Well, it's like from everybody.

They're all sorry they butted in where they shouldn't have,

and they won't do it anymore.

Okay.

Message received.

And they love you.

They said that?

No, men don't say that,

but they do love you.

They even had an argument.

Murray said you hadn't been in for six days

and Archie said seven.

It's five.

And Veronica cried.

She did?

Because you won't go to that doctor in the paper.

You know what they did?

They all collected $1,000 for you.

All right. Where are you?

Uh, I was standing

in this other doorway here.

Why?

Uh, well, there's a draft in the hall.

You wanna hide? You could stand in front of me.

Geez, I keep forgetting that, you know.

So you want me to meet this famous Dr. George Larkin, huh?

No. No, no.

Mr. Van, R., no, no.

If you don't want that, we can forget about that.

No, I ain't gonna push that no more.

I imagine it's difficult to get an appointment with him anyway.

Oh, well, I imagine

that it's definitely probably impossible, yes.

Well, then...

But we got one at 4:00 this afternoon.

Okay.

Okay.

Swell. Swell.

"Archie Bunker's Place."

What's that?

A bar and grill in Queens

where I talk with my fellow men.

$1,000 for what?

A down payment for the newest retina operation.

Oh, that newspaper story was misleading.

George, I assure you,

I wasn't misled.

Well, then what's all this about?

Friendship.

The guys at the saloon raised that money last week.

I had to respond by going through the motions.

That overweight gent who brought you here, who's he?

That's Archie Bunker.

- Mr. Bunker. - Yeah. Yeah.

I was just strolling around here.

Huh? This--

What are youse looking at?

Read your magazines.

Some people,

they can't mind their own businesses, you know.

Hi.

I was just reading your badge there.

Are you a slow reader?

Oh, oh, oh.

I was just interested in what was in there.

I mean, on that.

See?

Uh, what I mean to say is Morales.

That would be what?

My name.

Well, yeah, I figured that,

but I've always been interested where names come from.

This one came from my mother and father.

Well, hey, you can be very proud of knowing that nowadays,

you know, when so many of your Puerto Rican people,

to a no fault of their own,

they don't know who made the conjugal connections.

Mr. Bunker, my family is from Mexico.

Oh.

Oh, gee.

Well, what do you know?

Mexico, huh?

Well, you must have been smuggled out of there

at a very early age.

What?

Oh, I could tell by how good you speak your English there.

But on the subject, the names,

see, I'm surprised to see a doctor like this here,

particularly a specialist,

who ain't got a real doctor name.

What's a real doctor name?

Well, for instance,

Weinberger, Shapiro, like that.

Didn't you ever look in a phonebook?

See, your boss, this Larkin,

see, that's an Irish name, you know, Irish,

and that maybe that ain't too good.

Why not?

You hear me?

And eye surgery, you know, is so...

Well, I mean, it ain't like laying bricks, is it?

Exactly what is bothering you, Mr. Bunker?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

It's just that for my friend's sake, you know,

I--

If you're finished reading your magazines,

look off into space, huh?

I just wanna make sure

that this guy, Larkin, here is the best man.

He's the only man, Mr. Bunker.

I'm glad you came anyway.

It's been two years.

It's nice to see you.

I wish I could say the same about you.

You look well.

Thanks. You sound well.

But I feel a little foolish.

You gave me a brilliant tip on Cintrex Computers, remember?

Oh, don't tell me you didn't buy?

Well, at 250 a share, it seemed too cheap to be good.

Oh, that's too bad, George.

It reached 35 today.

Hey, how much did you make?

A quarter of a million dollars?

Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that.



- Well, that's not bad. - I've don't worse.

You've done better, too.

Hey, those friends of yours,

don't they know anything about you?

They know I'm a veteran with a pension.

That's all they need to know.

I want to keep things equal.

What they don't know is that doctors can't help me.

That's what I need you to tell them.

Well, won't they believe you?

They don't wanna believe me.

Why?

They love me.

[chattering]

Come on. Eat your liver.

No.

It's healthy.

Then why is it dead?

- Here they are! - Hey, guys.

I think he's here.

- Here we are. Here we are. - Hey.

Here we are.

Hey, Stephanie.

Hey, look who's here.

[chattering]

There you go. Sit down.

May I introduce Dr. George Larkin?

- Yeah. Hello, Doc. - Doc.

- How do you do? - Nice to meet you.

- Hi, I'm good. - How are you?

- How are you doing? - Hi, there.

Hey, Doc, sit down.

- I'm Stephanie. - Stephanie.

There you go, Doc. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

Molly, come get the drink order and on the house.

- Okay. - Yeah, well, except for the doctor's...

Who said so?

Well, I thought, you know, as long as it wasn't laying bricks.

Bourbon old-fashioned, not too sweet.

Well, yeah, beer for everybody else.

Coke. Coke for the kid here.

Mr. Van R.

- Oh. - Welcome home.

Veronica.

I missed you.

Well, tell us what we're all waiting to hear.

I'm gonna let the doctor do the talking.

Well, the operation you read about

isn't for everybody,

and it isn't for our good friend,

who, by the way, I've known for years.

- What? - Hey, Van R, you didn't tell us, huh?

- You know this doc? - Uh-hmm.

He'd be the first one I'd call if I could help him.

Well, you mean there's no hope?

- I don't believe in no hope. - Well, neither do I.

I mean, marvelous things are happening all the time, right?

Here's the check for 1,000.

You just have to imagine how much it meant to me.

I-I can't tell you.

I almost hate to take it back.

Hmm. Funny, me too.

Yeah, it seems a shame that once it's raised

it's not gonna be used for something good.

Well, I run a research clinic

and we could always use the money.

George, what about that fellow

that used to make contributions to your clinic?

Oh, oh, he still does.

He still does.

He's a very well-to-do man

who made a fortune on the stock market.

He, uh, matches contributions ten to one.

[all oohing]

Oh, you mean to say if we left that odd 1,000 in there,

it could-- well, it could-- it could turn into something

in the neighborhood of $10,000?

Oh, for a research clinic, I'll buy that.

So will I.

Veronica: Count me in.

- Hey, you got it, Doc, huh? - George: Well, that's great.

Geez, imagine that, huh?

A guy matching for charity there.

Ten to one.

That's a-- that's an honest to God philanderer, huh?

Well, hey, goes to prove,

sometimes the rich give it back.

Yeah, and why shouldn't they?

They got it easy.

They don't have problems like the rest of us,

right, Mr. Van R.?

True.

- True. - Okay, Molly.

- [chattering] - Get them out there, Molly.

And you got your drink right there, Doc.

- Yeah. - So you got this?

- Yeah, I got it. - Whose is this?

- Mine. Mine. - We will drink to what--

we'll drink to friends, huh?

We drink to friends.

Wait a minute. Give me that beer.

What are you doing?

To friends.

[theme music playing]