01x03 - Another Saturday Night

[bunniefuu]

♪ A new boy in
the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing I want
Charles in charge of me ♪♪

[frantic knocking]

Calm down if you know
what's good for ya,

just calm down, calm down!

That's not calming down!

Ten minutes till
she gets here.

Look, all right, look--

There's no door I open

until you knock
like a human being.

Well, no good.

[lightly knocking]

I don't believe you.

[knocking]

Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna
take a chance.

Only because I'm assuming

from that knock that
a rational example

of normalcy stands
behind the door.

And not the maniac
that you are.

So consider yourself.

If you're a maniac,
we have nothing to say.

Where are you?

Now you're gonna
listen to me!

Guys our age do not stay
in on a Saturday night.

On a Saturday night,

guys our age all
over the world

go to their local hangouts,

watch women, try
to pick them up,

fail miserably,
and go home.

Now why don't you
want to do that?

Because, Buddy,
it's Saturday night

for the parents too.

And I don't need
every Saturday night off

when the Pembrokes
deserve to go out

once in a while, okay?

No, he's married,
he can fail miserably

in his own home!

Buddy, we've gone out the
past five Saturday nights,

and every place we've gone,
it's been the same thing.

A bunch of guys sitting
around talkin' about

how smooth they're gonna be

when a bunch of
girls get there.

And then, when the girls
get there, the guys go,

"Ha-ba, ha-ba, ha-ba."

Now why must I listen to
guys going, "Ha-ba-ba-ba,"

when I can listen to you?

I got the popcorn!

I got the butter!

I got the mayonnaise!

Wait a minute, who puts
mayonnaise on popcorn?

I'm not having any popcorn.

Oh.

So where did
the Pembrokes go?

-They went dancing.
-What for?

Because he loves her
and she loves him.

And they don't get to
see each other all day

because they both
work very hard.

And when they do
see each other,

it's with the children
who they also love,

which also takes
up their time.

And when he
mentioned dancing,

I saw her face light up!

So I said they should go.

And right now, they're
holding each other very closely

and moving to
the romantic music

in the background--why?

Because he loves her
and she loves him,

so they're dancing!

To what end?

To the end of
this conversation!

Look, Charles, in my
single state of being,

it is my Saturday night hope

to go out to get one
of them to come home.

Now in Mr. Pembroke's
married state of being,

why, when he has a very
beautiful one of them

home all the time,
does he ask her out?

Because they have
me here, Buddy!

Exactly and if you
were out with me,

they could be here together.

And what about the children?

Sometimes that's a
price you have to pay.

He means us, goon machine.

All right, how long have
you guys been spying on us?

Spying?

And what are you guys doing
in on a Saturday night?

Special election results.

Yeah, election results.

Where proud young Americans
like Jason, Lila, and me

can revel in the
democratic process.

They're staying home because
Michael Jackson is singing

at Senator Franklin's
victory party tonight

and they're televising it.

You knew that?

-No, what a coincidence.
-No, what a coincidence.

I'm all alone with
my civic pride.

Why don't you take comfort
in some referendums?

Thank you, Charles.

I'm especially interested
in what they're gonna do

about the aliens.

Douglas?

That means immigrants.

Oh yeah, I should take
some real serious advice

on how to live from you,

who voluntarily
stays at home alone

watching election results,
rather than hangs out

with me watching women no
matter what the results.

Who said anything
about alone?

What?

[doorbell ringing]

Again?

I happen to know in the
Gwendolyn Pierce handbook

she never sees anyone again.

Well, we happen to enjoy
each other's company.

How do I get a job
with your company?

-Hi, Charles.
-Hi!

-Come on in.
-Okay.

You remember my friend Buddy?

-Hello.
-Thank you.

Are you here to study
with us on a weekend?

Study, on a weekend?

Sure, you wanna join us?

Sure, you wanna join us?

I don't even study
during the week!

Listen, when you
come to your senses,

I'll be at the
Lamplight, okay?

I don't think you'd like
that place anyway, Charles.

-You don't?
-No, I went there once

and it's a mob scene.

Everyone's crammed
on top of each other.

Oh, yeah, I'd hate that.

Yeah, he's hated it
about 50 times so far.

I guess I just never thought
of you as the Lamplight type.

But you would think of me
as the Lamplight type?

I would think of you as
the mayor of the Lamplight.

[whining]

What's the matter?

He lost!

Senator Franklin lost!

-Lila?
-He lost.

Does that mean
Michael Jackson's

not gonna sing now?

Not if he lost.

I don't care.

Let him sing a sad song.

Douglas?

The Clean Air Act...

...was defeated.

Look, I'm sorry
about Michael Jackson

and I'm sorry about
the Clean Air Act,

and there's nothing
wrong with the Lamplight

because my friend Buddy
has a good time there.

Sorry's not enough, Charles.

What is Annie supposed
to breathe, Charles?

Well, various people require
various good times, Charles.

Buddy requires the night
and the opportunity

to seek out women,

much like Jack the Ripper.

I don't think this girl
wants to marry me, Charles.

You know something,
Buddy, I have warm soda

on the table and my cheese
is melting over there.

My cologne is fading

and my crackers
are getting stale.

Now please tell me how a
person is supposed to study

under these conditions.

I'd like to say
something now.

See, ordinarily,
I would never be able

to talk to a girl like you
because a guy has a hard time

talking to the type of
girl that makes a guy go...

[whimpering]

...on the street.

So, I'd like to dedicate
this to all the guys.

I admit I like the Lamplight.

And I like it because
there are girls there.

And I like it when
they look at me.

And I've liked it ever
since they wrapped me

in a blue blanket.

Why don't we
let that pass?

Come on, let that pass.

Be a person,
let that pass.

I don't think they
wrapped you tight enough.

Why don't we
let that pass?

Come on, Buddy,
let that pass.

Be a person,
let that pass.

They wrapped me
in a blue blanket!

They wrapped me
in a pink blanket!

Green.

I think I'd like to
reply to you, Buddy.

Gwendolyn, there are
children in the house.

And I'd like to reply to you
on behalf of all of the girls

all over the world who have
to live in the same world

with all of the
guys that go...

[whimpering]

...at them on the street.

Because if they were all here
with me right now, Buddy,

I know exactly what
they would call you.

Bedtime for the
children in the house!

Bedtime, schmedtime.

We're gonna watch the fight.

There's not gonna
be any fight.

That's what
Senator Franklin thought.

They would call you...

...immature.

-That's it?
-That's it?

That's it.

My mother calls me
immature and she loves me.

My mother calls me
cupcake and she loves me.

My mother calls
him cheesehead

and she's right.

Look, we are too
sophisticated to fight.

Well, thank you, Charles,

and I would think that
being friends with him,

that some of his
sophistication

would've rubbed off on you.

Gwendolyn, he's
sophisticated.

I don't define
"sophistication"

as the urge to babysit.

Babysit?

Objection, I resent that.

Overruled, Douglas,
you are only 12 years old.

Not in dog years.

Charles is certainly
not babysitting.

Oh, Gwendolyn,
I'm babysitting.

No, Charles, you are
the only man on campus

with the strength to
reject the shallow values

of a campus nightlife.

I'm not rejecting anything.

Which you have elected to
identify yourself with.

I identify with it too.

No, Charles,
you have chosen

a constructive
growth experience,

which manifests itself
in the emotional bond

between you and these
representatives

of our next generation.

-You like that?
-I love that.

I do that.

[gasping]

Douglas, what are you doing?

Intelligence,
her intelligent.

I'm hyperventilating.

Now I've seen everything.

We are babies.

We aren't even given
a chance to vote

whether we want a
Michael Jackson song

or a concession speech.

Lila, do you know
what the best part

of being a kid is?

If you relax
and enjoy it,

no one will blame you.

I don't want to relax!

I want to vote for something.

If you don't make choices
when you're a kid,

you never will 'cause
adults don't make choices

and every kid knows it.

Right.

What are you talking about?

Every time Jason, Douglas,
and I have a contest,

like drawing, I would
bring the pictures

to Mom and Dad to see
whose are the best.

They look at them for
a long time and say,

"We like them the same."

Only for an adult
is that possible.

Or who do you love the best?

"We love you the same!"

What is that?

How could you love somebody
the same as somebody?

Because you can't make
choices like that, Lila.

You can't choose
between emotions

or else you'll
end up going--

You understand what
I'm telling you?

Here, you want one, here,
here, I'll give it to you.

There are times when I think
I might love Mommy the best

because I'm beginning to
do things like she does.

And I'm beginning
to recognize

a lot of her in me.

Jason?

Daddy, same reason.

I'm beginning to recognize
a lot of him in me.

I turn the newspaper
pages like he does too.

Douglas, who do you
recognize in you?

Uncle Jerry.

Can you believe this?

Feeling forced to choose
between the people you love.

Charles, it's a quarter
to ten at the Lamplight,

and Phyllis Morrissey
just got picked up

because she gives herself
until a quarter to ten,

and if she's still available
she holds a public auction.

Oh, Charles, please.

Please, tell me that you
are just friends with him

because you feel the enormity
of such a charitable act

is gonna get you into heaven.

That's the only reason
I let Douglas live.

I invented him
and he turns on me.

Douglas, will you go play
with your brother and sister?

But they're in the closet.

Go play with your
brother and sister.

That's right, Gwendolyn,

I'm his friend.

And even if you
don't like me,

he likes me.

Buddy, she never said
she didn't like you.

-I hate him.
-Gwendolyn!

Good, I hate you too.

Buddy!

It's okay, Charles.

All I ever dreamed
of was for us to feel

emotional about each other.

♪ On our way to heaven ♪♪

[sighing]

-Thank you, Mr. Pembroke.
-Thank you, Mrs. Pembroke.

Hi, everyone.

Hi.

Charles, I hope we made
it back early enough

for you to salvage the
rest of your evening.

Charles, if you
choose to salvage

the rest of your
evening with me...alone,

I'll be at my dorm.

What, wait a minute.

Hey, Charles.

If you choose to salvage

the rest of your
evening with me

and people with
blood and hearts,

I'll be at the Lamplight.

What?

Wait a minute!

Why isn't anybody
waiting a minute?

Imagine that...

Feeling forced to choose
between the people you love.

♪

Stan, I really think
Charles could use our advice.

Charles is a big boy, Jill,

and able to make
his own decisions.

If Charles wants our advice,

he'll ask us for it.

But, Stan, don't you think
we know him well enough now

to offer our advice without
him having to ask us for it?

No, Charles is
entitled to his privacy

and no matter how much
we'd like to help Charles,

we shouldn't infringe
upon that privacy

until he senses
he can trust us

to the point of taking us

into his confidence in
the next three seconds

or someone's gonna start
feeling very left out here.

Does somebody understand
what I'm telling somebody?

I need some advice.

How could I ever doubt you?

Since I've come
to school here,

I've found two
very good friends.

Well, we appreciate
that, Charles.

Buddy and Gwendolyn.

We appreciate that, too.

Okay, okay, now I understand

they're different
from each other.

Gwendolyn is everything
you could want in a person.

She's smart, she's sensible.

She smells like baby powder.

Everything you could want.

But no one can be everything.

So there's gotta be something
terribly wrong with her,

which I'll probably
find out one day

when I'm not looking.

Who can live like that?

No, we can't see
each other anymore.

No!

Why do I do that?

Gee, she's perfect.

Why question perfection?

Gwendolyn Pierce is perfect.

So what's the problem?

She hates Buddy's guts and if
she's perfect, she's right.

But you like Buddy's guts.

I am not choosing
between them.

I don't have to
choose between them.

What if I have to
choose between them?

I'm gonna have to
choose between them.

Why is my life like this?

Charles, that is ridiculous.

What makes you think
you even have to decide

something like that?

-I go first.
-I go first!

I go first or I'll
grow my nails long

and come into your
room some night

and claw your eyes out.

She goes first!

Charles, as Gwendolyn
Pierce's campaign manager

and founder of the
Pink Blanket Party,

I'd like to unveil our slogan

in regard to the
Buddy/Gwendolyn controversy.

Vote for Gwen,
she's your friend.

I'd now like to
turn the podium over

to the goon machine
representative.

Charles, I represent
the Blue Blanket Party

and Buddy Lembeck.

And since nothing
complimentary

rhymes with that, I
would like to appeal

to you with logic.

Charles, boys need buddies.

They need buddies
to play ball with

and to catch turtles with.

What can you
do with a girl?

This is gonna
be a landslide.

Charles?

Green Blanket Party,

Independent.

Here, be happy.

"How to be your
own best friend."

[knocking]

Okay, now that we
got rid of her,

what do you want to do?

Let's go.

Where?

Up.

What for?

Television.

What's on?

We are.

I love that show.

I thought you went
to the Lamplight.

Yeah, but I figured
by the time I got there,

there wouldn't
be anything left

but the 10:00
bargain beauties.

You know something,
Gwendolyn is right.

You are immature.

No, I'm not.

She's just too mature and
she's taking you with her.

And if I'm not mature,
it's because nobody

our age has to be.

-Who says?
-Bazooka Joe,

what's the difference?

If you were real immature,
you'd know enough to go out

and have a good time with me
before you get really mature.

Because you know what the best
part of being a kid is, Charles?

If you relax and enjoy it,
no one's gonna blame you.

Bazooka Joe say that too?

No, just some
mature person I know.

You know, Buddy...

Maybe sometimes you're
just more grown-up

than you want to be.

Sure.

Now let's go tell
some women we love 'em

while it's still dark and
they can't tell who we are.

And maybe sometimes you're not.

[doorbell ringing]

Charles?

It's your mother.

-May I come in?
-Yes, please.

Buddy, I'm glad you're here.

I owe you an apology.

She is perfect, I'm doomed.

Now I've thought very,
very, very carefully

about everything
that I said to you.

And I was wrong to blame you.

Creatures only
evolve so far in life

and they can't be
held accountable

for their state of evolution.

An ape cannot
help being an ape,

it needs only to be the
best ape that he can be.

Which is really quite
a complex accomplishment

when compared to a plant.

[gasping]

Get back up there!

So you be what you are
and I don't blame you.

I'm tempted not to
accept this apology.

I blame you, why
are you his friend?

-What?
-Charles, please,

this is the last thing
that I need to know

before I never see you again.

-Gwendolyn...
-No, look, I know

opposites attract but
what does an organism

as advanced as you
see in this Protozoa?

Gwendolyn, sit.

You're having a
scientific breakdown.

Look, if my friend
Buddy likes hanging out

at dorm parties and
going to the Lamplight...

There's nothing
wrong with that.

That's normal.

And if I can't figure
out why you voluntarily

stay home on a Saturday night?

That's normal too.

And if I can't understand

why you two are
such good friends?

You're not making this
evening fun for me.

-Choose, Charles.
-No, no, I don't want to choose

and I don't have to choose.

This is Saturday night and
if I had any brains at all,

I'd be out right now going,
"Ha-ba, ha-ba, ha-ba, ha-ba."

You people are all crazy.

Charles...

A friend is someone
who relates to you

on your own level.

We've got lots of levels.

You need somebody
who's sensitive to you.

You!

I've got you when
I need sensitive.

Gimme a kiss.

Charles, you need someone
to help you have a good time.

You!

I've got you when I want
to have a good time.

Gimme a kiss.

Are you saying I'm not fun?

No, he's saying
I'm insensitive,

but who cares?

No, no, no, I'm saying
there are things

I recognize in both
of you that make you

different from each
other but the same as me.

Do you understand?

Look, I recognize that
you're mature and sensible.

I'm like that, too.

So I'm glad that
you're my friend.

But there's another part
of me that doesn't want

to be sensible
about anything yet,

and just wants
to go to college

and have a good time.

I can be crazy.

So I'm glad that
you're my friend.

And I'm glad that I have
all these different levels

to jump around on
because it helps me

appreciate you both.

The same.

Charles, I really
care about you,

and I'd like to
care about Buddy,

it's just that
he's like something

out of Animal House.

You're exactly the type
that I never thought

I'd find on campus.

He's exactly the
type I try to avoid.

And the two of
you are friends,

and it really confuses me.

Forget it, Gwendolyn.

You can't choose
between emotions

or you'll end up going--

Mom?

Dad?

Douglas?

Yes, Lila.

Jason and I just
want you to know

we love you all the same.

We know that, sweetheart.

And it's appreciated
and understood.

Don't push it.

-Bedtime.
-Off to bed.

Here we go.

Okay.

I am standing here
looking at my two friends.

And because you
are my two friends,

I think it is
possible that...

You're wrong.

You're wrong, Gwendolyn.

You're a very wonderful girl

and people get
shocked by that.

Like him, who you've never
seen what he's really like

because he's crazy
in front of you.

And I can understand
that, you know why?

Because it takes every part
of the mature part of me

you think is all I am

not to be crazy in
front of you too.

Because you are terrific

and because I could
be crazy for you.

But he is also terrific.

And if you can't see that,

then you severely
misjudged him.

-Thank you, Charles.
-Sit down.

In all of your sensitivity
and all of your intelligence,

you've misjudged him.

Which is great news because
it means you are not perfect.

You are not perfect

and we can still
go out together!

And, and if you care
about me like you said...

And I think it's possible
that you've misjudged him...

Then isn't it possible...

...possible that you did?

Is it possible?

Buddy?

Yes?

When I said that you
were like something

out of Animal House, how
did you feel about that?

Oh, I took it
as a compliment.

No!

Buddy...

You will always
be my best friend.

♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ And I sing I want
Charles in charge of me ♪♪