01x04 - w*r

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪

The Wilsons were so
impressed with you, Charles.

They couldn't get over
the rapport you have

with the children.

In fact, they're considering

hiring their own Charles.

Except it's not a Charles
they're considering,

it's a Megan.

Megan Harper.

Life is good.

Company comes out with a
new line of fishing gear,

so all the VPs from
sales and marketing

get to try them out.

And the wives.

So, does that make this
business or pleasure?

Well, Charles,
my business is pleasure.

I mean, is this a
good job or what?

Every time the company
comes out with a new line

of sporting goods,
I get to play with 'em.

Uh, honey.

Don't you think you're gonna be
a little uncomfortable in that?

Well, I'll loosen my tie.

-Stan...
-I got my job in this suit,

I got a raise in this suit,

I got a bigger office
in this suit...

You'll get seasick
in that suit.

...And I'm gonna
change on the boat.

So anyway, I told the Wilsons
if they were really serious

about this Megan,
maybe it'd be a good idea

if she spent
some time with you.

Oh, you think so?

Jason, breakfast!

Anyway, Charles, it wouldn't
be a date or anything.

I mean, Megan understands
that taking care of children

is a major responsibility,

and she's just trying to
decide if she's up to it.

Well, it's not like I'm
an expert or anything.

Jason, breakfast!

Can I think about this?

Sure, for about five minutes,
that's when she'll be here.

Mrs. Pembroke,
I'm still new at this.

I won't know what to tell her.

She's absolutely lovely.

I may need a few days with her.

Charles, why don't you
just start with a few hours,

and listen to what
she has to say.

She may surprise you.

But, Mom, Charles
has to help me today.

I have to do a paper
on how history repeats

in everyday life.

I hate this teacher.

He's gross.

You mean the one who makes
spit bubbles when he talks?

Like this.

Yeah, the whole class
sits in the back row.

Douglas, that is disgusting.

No, Charles, this is disgusting.

[making farting noises]

Jason!

Breakfast?

Charles, is it breakfast?

Then feed me, Charles!

Live, enjoy yourself!

What a responsibility I have.

Your Millennium Falcon
needs new batteries.

Wrong, I put new ones
in it yesterday.

Yeah, but now they're
in my Super Star Fighter.

[shouting]

Lila, I've got an idea.

Why don't you take a tape
recorder with you today

and just record
everything that happens.

And then at the end of the
day, you can listen to it

and find something that matches
up with an historical event.

Wouldn't it be easier if you
just help me write something?

Not for me.

Okay, let's go have fun.

Okay, Charles,
we'll be back by 4:30.

The newspaper needs me to
review a new Swedish film,

and Stan has
graciously offered to help.

Good morning,
Mr. and Mrs. Pembroke.

-Hi, Buddy.
-Hey, Buddy.

Charles, there's a new
Swedish flick at the Rialto.

For the first half of the film,

the girl wears
nothing but a Volvo.

No, I can't today, Buddy, I've
got this girl on her way over.

Hey, my man!

She's coming here to
learn how to do my job.

Why?

Charles, you're quitting?

You're quitting and
you're moving into my dorm

and we're gonna have
a four-year party

and never go to sleep?

Buddy?

Yes, my best friend
and roommate?

I'm not quitting.

Why, are you sick
of me already?

Okay, Charles,
now what do I say?

Lila, I am not gonna do
your assignment for you.

Now just walk around and
observe what goes on, okay?

Nine o'clock,
Charles has deserted me

in my time of need.

Mrs. Pembroke has this
girl on her way over

and she wants me to show her

what a typical day with
the children is like,

and to listen to
what she has to say

because I might learn a few
things from her as well.

Don't do it, Charles,
the law of averages says

this girl's
pulling a beer wagon.

Mrs. Pembroke says
she's very lovely.

But Mrs. Pembroke's a mother.

Mothers are soft.

Look, a mother's
"lovely" means this girl

has an epiderm
like a pachyderm.

Besides, you're married
to Gwendolyn Pierce,

to what I believe will
be your eternal dismay.

I'm not married
to anybody, Buddy.

Gwendolyn and I
have what could be

the beginning
of a beginning,

period.

Then why do you want to spend a
day on a date with an elephant?

[doorbell ringing]

[trumpeting]

[shouting]

Charles, when you open the door,

tell her I've got
a pain in my stomach

and you've gotta take
me to the doctor, okay?

I'll be in pain when
you open the door.

Go ahead.

[groaning]

Charles?

Megan?

Hi!

Hello.

This is for you.

Thank you.

I hope you like that.

I realize that some guys
don't like to get flowers,

but I figured if
you were one of them,

you could always
just hand it back to me

and we could have the beginning
of a beautiful relationship.

[Buddy groaning]

Is there something wrong?

Not that I can see.

Oh, Charles, hospital.

Charles, hospital.

Charles--oh!

Will he be all right?

No.

Okay, Megan, where were we?

We were at the point
where you were going to smile

and present me a flower
with every good intent.

I hope you don't think
I'm being too forward.

I have to say, Charles,

I really do
appreciate your help.

I have heard
all about you

and how good you
are with children,

and I have to say it really
takes a rare individual

to figure out the
ways of a child.

Now, what do you do,
you just--you watch them

until you understand
them perfectly

and then you talk to them?

Is that what you do?

No.

I don't think you're
being forward at all.

Start your report, Lila.

And you're gonna love history,
everybody is fascinating.

That's Lila.

Care for a little OJ?

Yeah, thanks.

Smooth!

Let's drink to smooth.

I hate history!

Everybody's dead!

Excuse me, I have to go
back in there for one second.

Why?

Well, I have to get Lila
working on her paper.

You see, it's due Monday

and she doesn't even
have a topic yet.

Charles, wait, could I--

Never mind.

What?

No, it is none of my business

and you know what you're doing.

Yeah, but I'd love
to hear you talk.

So talk.

Well, it was just this
thing in my psych class

about helping
and work habits.

Have you ever made Jell-O?

For what purpose?

You know, when you make Jell-O,

if you try to
shake it up too soon,

it never ever gets to be
Jell-O, it never sets?

Well, Lila is the Jell-O.

Just let her set.

You're married, right?

No.

You have an incurable disease?

No, why?

Why?

Because I want you to live.

This is a very, very good day.

Mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine!

You're disintegrated!

Okay.

I hate you.

I detest you.

They're brothers,
they love each other.

I hate you!

I despise you!

They're brothers.

They love each other!

-This means w*r!
-This means w*r!

Why?

He took a shower and
used my lucky towel.

What is lucky about a towel?

It always gets me dry.

Hey, hey.

[growling]

I'm naked!

Sounds like history
in the making!

I'm not making,
I'm just naked!

Oh, good!

What do you mean, "Oh, good"?

Charles, don't you see?

This is civil w*r.

Brother against brother.

It's history as it
relates to my life.

Wrong, this is not civil w*r.

This is nothing, because
they never behave like this.

They always behave like this.

And because there's
no w*r in the presence

of someone as good-looking
and as nice-smelling as her.

Now, you guys apologize to her.

We don't even know her, Charles.

And you're not gonna get to know
her until you both apologize.

Sorry, lady.

I'm sorry my brother's
a cheese-head.

I'm sorry my brother's a fungus.

I'm sorry my brother's
not your brother.

I don't understand
this behavior!

I don't recognize
this behavior.

I've been here three months

and I've never seen this
kind of behavior before.

-The honeymoon's over, Chuck!
-The honeymoon's over, Chuck!

You got a boyfriend?

No.

Jason, do me a favor.

Get another towel and
call peace for today.

Charles, I'm standing here
soaking wet in a paper towel.

Three-ply or not,
I'm beginning to feel a draft.

You let me k*ll him, you can
have all the peace you want,

and this kitchen
will be a safer place

for our children's children.

And it looks like
peace talks will drag on

throughout the evening.

Uh, Charles, could--

Never mind, no,
I don't mean to interrupt.

Megan, you could
never interrupt.

Well, when I was young,
I had these two gerbils,

Brandy and Snifter,
and I used to put seeds

into their cage
for them to share,

only they would never share,
they would just fight,

and I didn't know
what to do about that.

I don't do well at these.

Um, now, I'm pretty sure that
I shouldn't give them seeds...

Maybe you should tell me
the Jell-O story again.

What I am saying
is that eventually

Brandy and Snifter
worked it out themselves.

Just like you didn't jump up
to help Lila get a subject

for her paper, now she has
a subject for her paper,

she's covering the w*r,
it is the same with them.

Let them have their w*r
and they will work it out.

And what do I do?

Oh, you do nothing.

You be Switzerland,
you be neutral.

Would it be okay if I just...

looked at you and smiled a lot?

Okay, from now on, I'm neutral.

I'm Switzerland.

You guys are gonna work
this out yourselves.

Your days are numbered.

Don't renew any library books.

An eerie calm has fallen
over the battleground

as the warring nations
plot their next moves

and Switzerland sits
on the couch drooling.

♪

♪

Hey, Charles,

I got this new lip gloss.

Does this taste
like root beer to you?

Hard to tell.

I need another taste.

And here's the battle-weary
w*r correspondent

seeking lunch on
foreign shores.

Well, I see what Ingrid Bergman
and Humphrey Bogart are having.

I was testing lip gloss.

[shouting]

I've been slimed!

And it looks like the
Geneva Convention's been broken

as Jason resorts
to chemical warfare.

He slimed me!

This could cheapen
my ectoplasm!

That's it.

Get cleaned up.

And tell your brother
Jason to get down here.

And Douglas,
stay on the paper.

This w*r is wreaking
havoc on the lives

of innocent paper towels.

What are you gonna say?

I've gotta say
something, Megan.

He slimed a man!

Charles, do you
know what happens

if you settle this fight?

I can answer this one, Megan.

I mean, there's no Jell-O
or seeds involved, right?

Look at this,
get back here!

Charles, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

If you settle this fight,
they're gonna need you

to settle the next one
and then the next one.

Right.

You're right, I'm wrong.

I'm just a confused
young authority figure

who desperately needs
another shot of root beer.

He hid all of my clothes.

I've gotta talk to them.

Uh, Switzerland, Charles.

I have nothing to say
until you end this w*r.

You want me to end it, Charles?

Yeah.

Fine.

Consider it over, Charles.

Thank you.

You're right.

They're gonna straighten
this thing out themselves.

Charles, I have to
say something here.

I love you.

What do you mean?

I mean, I love the
way you love kids.

Oh!

Yeah.

Well, you know,
I didn't know how much

until I got this job.

My friends don't understand
it, but I've never had

any brothers or
sisters of my own.

You know, if we
ever had children,

they would be beautiful.

How many children
do you want to have?

Would three be too many
times to have children?

Charles, he's armed
and dangerous.

He's sh**ting the Waterpik
at anything that moves.

Jason, come here
for a second, buddy.

I gotta tell you something.

Do not ruin this
kiss for me, okay?

Because if you do,
I promise you,

one day when you're old
enough to kiss a girl,

I'm gonna pop up from behind
a couch and ask you a question.

But by then,
I'm gonna be very old

and probably look like
one of Douglas' masks.

And when your girlfriend
sees me, she's gonna go...

[screaming]

...and jump out the
window and be dead.

And that's what you're gonna
be if you don't turn around.

Charles, he's got me on the run.

I need time to regroup.

I thought you guys
were gonna end this w*r.

He's gonna end my existence

if you don't let me
hide out in your room.

Switzerland.

Even Switzerland
allows tourists, Megan.

Thanks, Charles,
will you take me there?

This is not for their peace,

it's for ours.

You know something,
none of this would've happened

if you didn't hide his clothes.

I only hid his clothes
'cause he wouldn't let me

use his towel.

I'm not getting involved.

I'm just taking you across
the Swiss border, come on.

Thanks, Charles.

-Douglas!
-Douglas!

Up here!

Switzerland, huh?

What was he doing
in your room,

buying cuckoo clocks?

[growling]

Douglas!

Hello, Megan.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Pembroke.

How's the training going?

I'm learning.

I'm learning that children
are capable of much more

than I ever thought
children were capable of.

See, well, that's Charles.

I told you, nobody handles
children the way he does.

Hi!

You're back!

-What?
-What?

Cookies.

w*r!

w*r cookies!

We're baking w*r cookies for
the people of El Salvador.

We were just running
out for some salsa.

w*r breeds insanity.

Charles, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Yes, sir?

I've worked since I was 16
to be able to afford a family

and a house like this.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

Uh, you're telling me

that you won't believe
me when I tell you...

we're putting on a play
about the Pillsbury Doughboy.

[Stan laughing]

No.

I'm telling you that
my wife accompanied me

on my fishing
assignment this morning

and I'm accompanying her
on her newspaper assignment

this afternoon,
and when we come back,

whatever happened here
better not have.

w*r...is hell.

Let's see him deliver his
newspapers without this.

Now how does this
garbage disposal work?

[muffled groaning]

Kids are a real responsibility,
aren't they, Charles?

Responsibility, why?

Because I've got two boys
who want to k*ll each other

because there's nothing
better to do today?

And if you didn't take
this job involving children,

would you have something
better to do today?

Yeah, I could be at the
school football game right now

with some terrific
girl I just met.

You know, Charles,
you really are

a very special
sort of person.

Thank you, Megan.

I feel the same about you.

I would sure like to be able
to take in a good football game

when I felt like it, though.

So, American,

you like to steal
other person's clothing?

Not talking, huh?

I guess you want
to continue the w*r.

Do you know what happens in w*r?

People get tortured.

People like your G.I. Joe.

[muffled screaming]

So, Joe,

you look pretty tough.

Let's see how tough you look
in...Barbie's prom dress?

Joe, Joe, Joe.

If the men in your outfit
could see you now.

Where are my clothes?

[muffled shouting]

Still won't talk?

Well, we're running
out of time, Joe.

You sit here and think
about my clothes, hm,

while I get...the blender.

Let's see, Joe,
what would you prefer?

Chop, grate,

or purée?

[muffled shouting]

[blender whirring]

All right!

Now we have anger.

Now we have very big anger.

I know that because I can
feel the veins in my head.

What is wrong with you?

This is not a play toy.

Well, this is a play
toy, but this isn't.

I can't believe you guys.

Um...

Charles, I really
think I should go now.

No, Megan, please, all I need
is one second alone with them.

I know, I know you do.

I need a few minutes
alone with the Wilsons.

That's exactly
why I have to go.

And then you'll come back?

Uh, no.

Then I think it's time
I look for another job.

Maybe something in a pet store.

If you're leaving,
Megan, then I think

that's the wrong job
for you to take.

Why?

Because you can't be neutral

when taking care
of living things.

Switzerland is a
great place to ski

and they make
terrific cheese there,

but it's got holes in it,

just like your
philosophy on children.

You're right.

I think we both come away
from this with something though.

Which is?

Which is if you
ever find the time,

would you please invite
me to a football game?

♪

You don't taste like
root beer anymore.

Guess the gloss wore off.

♪

[door closing]

Okay.

No more...

Mr. Switzerland.

-We're sorry, Charles.
-No good.

You think, "We'll tell
Charles we're sorry,

and that'll save
our little behinds."

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

What will save our
little behinds, Charles?

Only one thing.

To understand that I
make mistakes, too.

To understand
that sometimes

you've gotta help me when
I can't help you enough.

Now, your little w*r
has made a mess

of a perfectly good house,

and it'll take hundreds
of millions of dollars

and 45 minutes to fix it up.

Now, we can put
away our weapons

and return all our toys
to each other right now,

or we can go on like this

until our mother and
our father get home.

And then all of our little
behinds will be grass.

You understand
what I'm telling you?

I'm sorry the girl
left, Charles.

We'll start cleaning up.

Would it be okay if I
took a shower first?

Wanna use my towel?

And peace spreads
its wings over us

when children learn
to reason together.

This is Lila Pembroke.

Good night.

♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪