01x12 - Accidental Puppy

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say ♪

♪ I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪

You know something?

I'm happy we did this.

Waiting in line for two days
for Springsteen tickets

is a worthy life experience.

Hey, Gwendolyn,
do you realize

this is the first time we spent
the whole night together?

Yeah, what an intimate evening.

You, me, and 15,000
other people sleeping

with their head on the curb.

It's the most girls
I've spent the night with.

Buddy!

I don't care,
I'm counting it!

What about that girl
that said she loved me

and gave me the flower?

Buddy, she was a Krishna.

She sold you a flower.

She told everybody
she loved them.

You hate to see
me happy, don't you?

Well, if you're happy
with a bald girl--

She had great cheekbones,
it was a good look for her!

Anybody care for some OJ?

Yeah.

You know what would've
made me feel better

about spending
the whole night in line?

What's that?

If we had gotten tickets.

What are we gonna do?

I gotta see Bruce Springsteen.

Charles, you gotta help us,
Jason k*lled a dog.

I did not!

Douglas k*lled it!

You guys, he looks fine to me.

Are you a doctor?

No!

He's clinging to life
and we're keeping him.

No, we're not
keeping him, Douglas.

You can't put a dead dog
out on the street!

He's not dead, Jason.

Look, he's got a collar,
so he must belong to someone.

Now, what happened?

Jason ran over him on his bike.

Trying to get your
kite off the ground.

Just take his vitals.

I'm not touching his vitals!

His vital signs.

Douglas, Jason, this
is a very healthy dog.

Lorne Greene wishes
he had a dog like this.

Yeah, look, he's wagging
his tail and everything.

He's too weak to keep it still.

I'm taking him to our room.

No!

I'm taking him!

I'm the one who k*lled him!

-Louie!
-What?

Could we name him Louie?

I always wanted
a dog named Louie.

His name is Duke.

His name is Quasar.

His name is Someone Else's.

You know, Charles,
he doesn't have any tags.

But he does have a collar,
so he obviously belongs

to someone.

Us, us, he belongs to us!

Oh, I'm sorry,
you can't stay here.

He does kinda look like
a Louie though, doesn't he?

Okay, you can keep him.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Only until you find out
whose dog he is, okay?

I'll be right back.

♪

Charles, we have
to rush out and get

a wedding gift and be back
by 2:30 to get ready

for the ceremony.

Stan, hurry,
we're not gonna make it!

Charles, would you make
sure that Jason and Douglas

clean up the driveway?

It's a mess.

Oh, I'm afraid
they've discovered

the joy of dirt bombs.

Let's see if they can
discover the joy of sweeping.

Charles, I have a very
special favor to ask you.

While you were in line
all day yesterday,

I had to take Douglas
to the dentist and there was

a very long wait and I
didn't get the laundry done.

Unless it gets done today,
the boys are going to have

to wear the same socks twice,
which they would love, but--

Say no more, Mrs. Pembroke.

I really appreciate it, Charles.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, how'd you make out
with the Springsteen tickets?

Close.

We only missed by 1,100 people.

Stan, you're stalling,
we have to get Linda's present.

Well, I don't see
why I have to go,

she's your friend.

She's your cousin.

No, no, no,
she married my cousin.

That made her my cousin-in-law.

When she divorced Eddie,
that just made her your friend.

I only became her
friend because she was

your cousin-in-law.

Sounds like you're really
close with this Linda.

It just irks me
to buy her a nice gift

when we don't know if she'll
stay married to this guy

long enough to use it.

How about a gift certificate
to Jacoby & Meyers?

Hi, going to the mall, bye!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold it right there.

Is there something wrong?

Lila, would you
like to look at us

when we're talking to you?

I'm looking at you.

Look, Lila, up in the sky!

It's a bird, it's a plane!

It's eye makeup.

Lila's wearing eye makeup.

Oh, honey, playing around
with my makeup in the house

is one thing.

Wearing it out on
the street is another.

You'll have plenty of time
for makeup when you get

into high school.

Go wash your face.

Bonnie Tuber wore
makeup and got a date.

"We don't care about Bonnie
Tuber, we care about you."

Sally Stefanato wears makeup,
all the inner circle girls

wear makeup.

"If the inner circle girls
jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Yes, I want
to jump off a bridge!

Not with that makeup on!

We're doing
the right thing, aren't we?

Yeah, we are about the makeup.

I'm not so sure
about the wedding gift.

Charles, Lila
can go to the mall.

Just be sure she isn't
wearing any makeup.

Lila won't be
wearing any makeup.

The driveway won't
be wearing any dirt bombs,

and the Pembrokes won't
be wearing any stains.

We're counting on you.

♪

Look, Charles, I taught
Quasar how to roll over.

You pushed him over.

Well, try teaching him
how to push a broom,

'cause that's what you're
doing this afternoon.

"Okay, all you WPAR freaks,
I got a pair of tickets

for next week's Springsteen
concert for the 41st caller

at 555-WPAR.

Just call in and win!"

Oh, please, oh, please, oh,
please, oh, please, oh, please!

You're calling too soon!

You've gotta be the 41st.

It's busy.

♪

"Uh, yes operator,
this is Dr. Lembeck.

I'd like to make
an emergency break-in."

Buddy, the operator is not going
to get you Springsteen tickets.

It's timing, Buddy.

You've gotta listen to
that little voice inside you

that says...

"They're only up to caller 21."

You're right.

We should just give up,
I mean, we probably

didn't stand a chance anyway.

Charles, do dogs like meatloaf?

No, Douglas,
no meatloaf for dogs.

Check the label
on the cat food cans,

see if it's okay for dogs.

Cat food?

What an insult!

You listening
to your inner voice?

Yes.

Hear anything?

No.

Keep listening.

I washed it all off.

Does it look like
I've been crying?

No, not at all.

As a matter of fact,
you look very nice, Lila.

Sure, my skin
is dry from washing,

my eyes are swollen from crying,
my nose is red from blowing,

and I'm a raving beauty.

Thanks, Charles,
I'm gonna go face

Bonnie Tuber at the mall.

Whose dog?

-Mine.
-Mine.

What's his name?

-Louie.
-Quasar.

He's cute, but he
looks like a Prince.

See ya, Prince.

-Quasar!
-Duke!

Not too late, Lila.

Now!

♪

Hello?

Yeah, turn that down.

Yes.

I am?

I did?

I won two tickets
to Springsteen!

I won!

-We won!
-We won!

I won!

We won!

♪

Beige.

What kind of color is beige?

Is it a white or is it a color?

I don't know,
I better do a beige load.

No wonder she didn't
want to do the laundry.

Who could sort this?

Look, Charles,
watch Quasar laugh.

[mimics laughter]

I can't wait to take you
to soccer practice with me

and teach you how
to follow me to school.

Oh, we're gonna
do everything together.

Duke, you're gonna
be the first dog

to graduate from
Lincoln Elementary.

Forget it, Jason, he's gonna
be with me all the time.

I love him and he loves me.

He's gonna help me collect
specimens for my bug collection.

He'll be a great help
catching spiders.

I'm gonna teach ya how to point.

It's not polite to point.

Gentlemen, don't plan the rest
of your life with this dog.

Now, before you
sweep the driveway,

I want you to go
around the neighborhood

and find out whose
dog this is, okay?

He's our dog,
he likes it here.

See, that's why he's laughing.

[knocking]

Gwendolyn, what are
you doing back here?

Charles, I feel just terrible.

How can we leave you
with such an important

decision to make
like who to take

to the Springsteen concert?

It's just not ethical.

Thank you for your concern.

Of course, what are the
ethics of taking Buddy

after he actually said, "We
might as well just give up?"

As opposed to me,
I wasn't quite as vocal,

but I was being very
supportive in sending you

all the good vibes
I could muster.

[doorbell rings]

Gwendolyn, how about
a sense of fair play?

Charles, please, you just
have to take me, please!

Please, please!

Thank you, that's very fair.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it!

Buddy.

On the way home, I was
thinking about how much

our friendship meant
to me and I was touched.

Buddy, don't do this.

Just a little something
that says nobody is closer

to you than I am.

Gum, Buddy?

Sugarless gum, Charles.

I care about your teeth.

Gum, Buddy?

You're trying
to buy Charles with gum?

That's not very ethical.

Oh, sure, use ethics.

Something I know nothing about.

Buddy, see that?

Winning is not always winning.

You know, when they told me
the tickets were mine,

for an instant, my brain
said, "Yeah, I won!"

And then, I looked
around the room

and I saw you, Gwendolyn,
and you, Buddy,

and then, my brain said,
"Charles, you are pork sausage."

I can't win here.

I've got two tickets
and three people.

Two tickets, three people,

how can I win?

Easy, take me.

-Hi.
-Hi, how did you do?

Well, we couldn't decide
on anything, so we got her

a savings bond.

We had it made out
to "Linda Williams and Husband."

That way, when it
matures in seven years,

she can cash it in
with whoever she's married to.

Listen, Charles,
maybe I'd better go.

I'll come back later
and we can decide what time

we're leaving for the concert.

Charles!

-Yikes!
-Yikes!

-No!
-Quasar!

Whose dog is that?

-His!
-His!

Charles, my couch!

Lila!

I thought we made it clear
you weren't to leave

the house with makeup on.

Charles?

The dog is dripping
on the carpet.

Charles?

I...they...she...you.

He--

[barks]

[growls]

♪

I washed off
the makeup that I put on.

I got this makeup at the mall.

Some lady with too much perfume.

You know, the kind
with the glasses

that hang down like this?

She pushed me into her
instant makeover chair.

And wham-o!

So, you see, it really
wasn't my fault.

Lila, that's
a technicality

and you know it.

What color is that?

Misty Plum.

Looks nice.

But your father and I
are very disappointed

in your behavior.

Go wash your face.

We'll discuss the consequences

when we come home
from the wedding.

Charles?

How could you let the boys
bring a dog into the house?

You know they'll
just get attached.

Sir, the dog was dead
when the boys brought him home.

And I said they could keep him

only until they found the owner.

So, I can assure you,
they are not getting attached

to that dog.

-Oh, I love you so much,
-Oh, I love you, love you.

Oh, boy.

Charles, you never
mention the word "keep"

when talking
to children about animals.

Conference time.

Boys, remember when
you first wanted a pet?

We decided on Putty
because cats are so much

easier to take
care of than dogs?

Cats are dumb!

They don't let you do anything.

Yeah, cats don't
let you wash them!

May I?

Have you stopped to think
about Putty's feelings?

You've had him,
what, three years now?

Cats don't like dogs.

They fight all the time.

Now, that's not fair
to Putty or to Duke Quasar.

Now, I know it's not
going to be easy,

but...I think you know
what has to be done.

Give the cat away.

But you love Putty!

And I love Quasar, too.

And he loves me.

You've heard of
a boy and his dog?

I'm the boy for this dog.

Please?

Charles, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Of course, sir.

Charles, Jill and I don't
particularly want to go

to this wedding,
but we don't particularly

want to be late for it either.

Now, it takes time
to mend two little

broken hearts properly.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

Yes, sir.

You're telling me you want
me to find the dog's owner

as quickly as possible
and make this whole experience

as painless
as possible for the boys.

Yes, Charles.

Just tell the boys
you goofed and you made

a bad judgment call
and do it quickly,

'cause that dog is very cute
and I think I'm becoming

attached to him.

Jill?

Jill?

Oh!

Boys?

We have to talk for a minute.

Excuse me, Charles,
I'm sorry to interrupt,

but there's someone out here
that says there's some sort

of problem with
the Springsteen tickets.

I'll be back in a second.

Where is he?

You're looking at him!

I have to know.

There is no good decision.

Now I can go with you.

Charles!

Or I can go with you!

Charles!

Or I could go with Gwendolyn!

Charles.

Charles is going.

I've got it.

Let's flip a coin.

Oh, no coin flips,
I never win at coin flips.

Sounds fair to me.

Yeah, it is fair, Buddy.

Fine.

Call it, Gwendolyn.

Heads.

Tails.

I'm so sorry.

We'll bring you
a souvenir program.

Buddy, we didn't see the coin.

You don't trust me?

I'm hurt.

I'm injured.

You're not going.

Best two out of three.

Listen, Charles, just decide.

I know that you want to go.

And I know that you
want to go, too, Buddy.

You see, this is very difficult
with the two of you here.

Look, I better take
care of the boys,

give me five minutes
and when I'm finished,

you will have
my decision, okay?

Okay, take your time,

no pressure.

Walk safely, I'll miss you.

Where's Jason?

Out walking the dog.

The dog is right here.

Okay, he's practicing
to walk the dog.

I told him he couldn't
really do it till we knew

he could do it right.

And Jason went for that?

Charles, when it was just
Lila and me in the family,

she used to make me do
all sorts of crazy things

I never even questioned.

And then, Jason came along
and he started doing

all sorts of crazy things
I told him to do.

I think there's some sort
of principle that says

younger brothers
do goofy things.

That was too fast, Jason,
he's just gonna want

to go out again.

Yeah, you're right, I better--

Hold it, hold it!

What are you hiding?

Nothing, garbage.

This is just garbage.

You know me, Jason
the garbage picker?

You know how you're
always having to say,

"Jason, leave
that garbage alone."

So, I'll just
go outside and burn it

and you'll never
have to do it again.

Get back here, get back!

Close the door.

Garbage, huh?

Nice picture, who's
it supposed to be?

Douglas, the people
are looking for their dog.

He's our dog, he likes it here.

Right, Quasar?

His name is Duke!

Here, Skipper!

Come on!

"Skipper"?

That's a generic dog name.

Any dog would come to Skipper.

Doesn't matter what
that stupid poster says.

He's our dog now.

He wants it that way.

He told me.

Jason.

He told me.

I know you don't believe me,

but he told me.

He said that if I told
anyone that he spoke,

he'd never do it again.

You can't argue with that.

Look, guys.

I made a bad
judgment call, okay?

I never should have said
you could keep this dog.

Even for a little while.

I should have known
that you'd fall

in love with him right away.

With this face,
who could blame you?

Douglas, what are you doing?

I'm making him a poodle.

Nobody'll recognize him.

You can't keep something
that belongs to someone else.

How would you like it, Douglas,
if you were lost at the mall

and somebody took you to their
house and gave you a new name?

Do they have a pool?

Okay.

Okay.

What if he were your dog?

What if he were your dog
and you lost him?

What if he were your dog
and you lost him

and the two boys that found him
loved him very, very much

and wouldn't
give him back to you?

Look, guys, I know how hard
this is gonna be for you

and I'm really sorry.

♪

Here's the address in case
you wanna walk Skipper home.

And just think how happy

the people'll be
when they see him.

Okay?

How could they give him
such a dumb name?

Skipper.

[barks]

I can't stand it.

Come on, Skipper.

Come on, Skipper.

And tell the owner
to put a tag on him.

♪

Charles, for the sake

of what's left
of my nubby nails,

please tell me
you've made a decision.

Charles, can I talk
to you for a sec?

I'll be right with you.

Okay.

Charles, they're ruining
my life completely.

I can't stand it.

Every time I get close
to the inner circle,

they yank me out.

You're very special
to your parents

and they don't want
anything to hurt you.

When's the last time you heard
of a serious mascara injury?

Lila, without makeup,
you look like a pretty


With makeup, it looks like

you're trying
to be someone else.

Now, your parents
don't want you to wear makeup

because they think
it makes you look older.

I don't want you to wear
makeup because I think

you have to be crazy
to tamper with natural beauty.

This face is you.

I love this face,
leave it alone.

♪

Jill, what'd you
do with my keys?

Same thing I do with your
glasses and your wallet.

I hide them to torment you.

Maybe she left them
in the kitchen.

Well, how about it, Charles?

Just give me one more minute.

You all right, Lila?

I'm as all right as I can be
for a girl that's not gonna

get to go to any cool places
like Bonnie Tuber does.

At least I have natural beauty.

Thanks, Charles.

I'm deciding.

I am in the decision mode.

Do you have a minute, sir?

If I don't find my keys,
you can have all night.

Indecision.

Once it grabs you,
it just seems to grow.

I've got a tough
decision to make

and the longer
I take to make it,

the more impossible
it seems to make.

Where'd you hide 'em?

In your pants pocket.

I have to make a decision
about the Springsteen tickets

and I don't want to.

You see, if I take Gwendolyn,
Buddy won't be happy

and if I take Buddy, well,
then Gwendolyn won't be happy.

I'm afraid there
isn't much help

to give you, Charles.

Sometimes, you just have
to make the hard ones.

Like when makeup is worn
or what pets get to stay.

Sometimes, you just can't win,
but you have to play.

You have to decide.

Maybe I won't go.

Maybe I'll just give
the tickets away.

Oh, Charles, now that's
just avoiding the decision.

If you're thinking
of giving away

Springsteen tickets,
well, let me tell you,

you don't want to do that.

It might make it easier.

You know, when Stan
and I were first married,

we couldn't afford
to go to shows and concerts,

so for an evening out
we used to go to small,

local places.

We used to drive to Asbury Park

and go to this little bar
called the Student Prince.

It's just a little place
with sawdust on the floor,

but it was special to us,
and on the weekends

they had a band.

That's where we first
heard Bruce Springsteen.

I was one of the first
guys to yell, "Bruce!"

I used to do it
all the time.

Sometimes, Bruce himself
would ask Stan to stop.

But seeing Springsteen live
is just a great evening

and if you're thinking
of giving those tickets away,

don't...they're too special.

Then someone special should go.

With your permission--

Yes, Charles?

I'd like to take Lila
to the concert.

Without makeup.

Well, that would be very nice.

Thank you both.

[sighs]

Damn, I thought
we had those tickets!

You gave it a great shot.

-Bruce!
-Bruce!

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ And I say ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪