01x14 - Mr. President

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪♪

♪

Birds and bees.

What's this stuff have
to do with birds and bees?

Soccer is dead!

Long live lacrosse!

Get out of here.

I need to know everything
there is to know about

the frog reproductive
system for school.

I don't understand why
they're teaching me

how frogs reproduce.

Probably because they
know what kind of girl

you're gonna end up with.

Yeah?

Well, look what
I get to study

later on this year
and you don't.

Human reproduction.

That's what we're
gonna look like

when we grow up?

Mm-hmm.

Ew!

What's the matter?

I don't like his haircut.

Can you stop trampling
all over my papers?

You don't have to be
ready for lacrosse

until next spring.

So?

You don't have to be ready
for reproduction ever.

Unless you get your
Martian friends

to come and kidnap
every male on earth.

Now, I'm sure
spring's gonna come.

How sure are you
of your Martians?

What are you doing?

Burning out your lungs
with my x-ray vision.

Come on, Gwendolyn.

There's nothing wrong
with having a little fun

in college.

-Hey guys.
-Charles.

Whoever becomes
freshman class president

is going to have
an effect on campus life

all year long.

Elliot Pembroke just
wants to make college

an undisciplined
beer-drinking

girl-ogling circus.

Gwendolyn, aren't
you overreacting?

Uh...

Cousin Elliot!

Elliot's running
for class president?

Oh, Charles, I wish
I went to your school.

Jason, even you couldn't
handle recess all the time.

Try me.

Jason, Elliot's "fun
at all costs" platform

isn't the kind of thing
young impressionable children

should be exposed to.

Until you get to college.

You'll just have to wait
your turn like I did, Jason.

You sound like you
want Elliot to win.

Gwendolyn, don't give up
on the student body.

Now, if Elliot's
as crazy as you think,

who'd be crazy enough
to vote for him, huh?

Hi, guys!

I am giving up on
the student body.

Gwendolyn, you can't.

You, of all people,
have to set an example.

Why?

Because you have the best
student body there is.

Oh, Charles.

"Oh, Charles"!

Hi, Mrs. Pembroke.

Hi, Mrs. Pembroke.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Pembroke.

Wh--isn't that
Cousin Elliot?

Yeah, he wants to be
president of Charles.

I didn't know he was
interested in politics.

The strangest thing
just happened to me.

Hi, honey.

Hi, everybody.

-Hi, Mr. Pembroke.
-Hi, Dad.

What happened?

Well, I took the
short way home

and I saw the campus
clock on the tower,

and instead of
a clock face,

there was this
grinning face

sort of leering down at me,

and it looked a lot
like...Elliot.

Oh, Elliot is running
for freshman president.

Well, he can't win.

Why not?

Well, for one thing,
he's 10 minutes slow.

I mean, don't
get me wrong...

we love Elliot.

But the experience
of running and losing

might be good for him.

He's running unopposed.

Transfer immediately.

Well, that wouldn't
be necessary if...

someone responsible...

someone bright, caring,
would run against him.

I mean, that someone
would win by a landslide

even though the election's
a few days away.

Well, Douglas,
think you're up

to entering politics?

Charles, I'm having enough
trouble entering puberty.

Sorry, Dougie,
I wasn't referring to you.

I'm referring to
a man with integrity;

to a man with strength,

to a man with
moral character.

I was so close.

Don't look at me.

I am no politician, Gwendolyn.

Charles, that's because
you don't pretend to be

anything that's going
to make you a good leader.

You won't make promises
that you can't keep.

What makes you think Elliot
won't keep his promises?

That's just it.

I'm afraid he will
keep his promises.

Charles, where's your
sense of responsibility?

I've got lots of
responsibilities.

Like wondering why
Jason is practicing

his lacrosse instead
of his basketball.

I thought I'd sit basketball
out this year, Charles.

Give the tall kids a break.

Okay, I'm shook up
and I'm leaving.

What's the matter, Lila?

We're learning about
democracy in school.

Do you know that there are

Do you know how many
are democracies?

Twenty-three.

Why?

Because nobody wants the
responsibility, Charles.

So, all the problems
are just gonna get

handed down to
my generation.

Well, forget it, Charles.

I'm moving to Antigua.

You can't turn your back on
your whole generation, Lila.

Let 'em eat cake.

Elliot would
let us eat cake.

That's because Elliot
doesn't care, Charles.

Do you?

♪

I don't even know
why you brought me

down here, Gwendolyn.

Just want you to see
our new class president.

Elliot's not even here.

He's probably
out kissing babes.

Uh, you mean babies.

No, babes.

[cheering]

All right.

Hi!

I like you.

Hi.

Hi!

Elliot Pembroke.

I like you.

And I wanna be
your president.

You a freshman?

Hey, give me that.

Charles, Buddy.

And the so very
lovely Gwendolyn.

I like you and I
wanna be your...

president.

Okay, Mr. President.

I would like to know
how you stand on

some of the issues.

For instance...

what would you do to solve
the campus housing shortage?

That's a very good
question, Charles.

And I am so very
glad you've asked it.

I've given it
a lot of thought.

I think we ought
to look beyond

coed dormitories

to coed dorm rooms.

Yeah!

And best of all will be
my inaugural celebration.

You see, I'm planning
on taking the entire

freshman class for
a weekend to...

Atlantic City!

All right, all right!

How are you going to pay
for all of this, Elliot?

Ten percent of the
registration fees, Charles.

They make up the
freshman fund.

And I think that
ought to be enough

to cover the rooms,
and the floor show.

You would have control
of the freshman fund?

Charles, a
presidential candidate

has to know what
abuses of power

he can get away with.

On behalf of his
constituency, of course.

[laughs]

Well, can I count
on your vote, Charles?

Oh, I plan to vote
for the best man,

don't you?

Absolutely.

Only I don't see a better
man running against me.

[chuckles]

Well, you're quite
a smooth talker, Elliot.

Tell me something...

if you were running
against another man...

would you agree
to a debate?

Absolutely.

Then you'll have
to debate me.

You're running against me?

Absolutely.

♪

The first speaker in
the freshman class debate

is Elliot Pembroke.

[cheering, applause]

Drinks...

are on me!

Care to rebut?

♪

So, you lost the debate.

You came in second.

It looks that way, Jason.

You know, Charles, it
seems to me what you need

is a little organization.

What do you mean,
Mrs. Pembroke?

Well, you're trying to
win over the whole class,

and you don't really need to.

Yeah, but that's
what Elliot's doing

with his winker party.

He's got everybody
at school winking

at each other.

So, what are we
supposed to do?

Out-wink him?

No, no, no, Charles.

You out-think them.

You find small
influential groups.

You get together, you
get to know each other.

You know, a caucus.

A back room smoker.

Jill and I are going
out tomorrow night.

Why don't you invite
them over here?

Mr. Pembroke, there
are hundreds of people

in my class.

No, no, no, no.

You find out who
the opinion makers are.

The movers, the shakers.

Then you do what
you can to move them

and shake them.

Get their support,
they'll do the rest.

Yeah, like the inner
circle of my school.

Every other girl
does what Bonnie Tupor

and Sally Stefanato do.

Yeah, the quarterback
of the football team's

a freshman and there are
two freshman reporters

on the newspaper.

That's the idea, Buddy.

Get 'em over here
for some food

and a good time.

Hey, Buddy, you think
you could round up

these freshman
heads of state?

Are you kidding?

Just call me
Buddy Lembeck, kingmaker.

Okay, but what do we do
once we get 'em here?

Oh, simple.

We're going to listen
to their problems,

address the issues,
and propose some solutions.

And if that
doesn't work...

let 'em eat cake.

♪

Jason!

This food's for my guests.

I don't wanna have
to serve naked crackers

to the foremost
influential freshman

on campus, okay?

But I'm hungry.

Have some Choco Puffs.

Be careful in there.

Don't touch my stuff.

Here's some.

Are these still good?

I don't know,
let me see 'em.

Best eaten before
August 1978.

Throw this away.

I'm still hungry, Charles.

Open your mouth.

That ought to hold you.

Hey, you guys were
supposed to do the kitchen.

We had a democratic vote.

You took the kitchen,
I took the living room.

So, clean the kitchen,

and keep your
country free.

-Ah!
-What?

My stuff.

There's a jar
of pickles in there.

And they're moving!

They're not pickles,
they're frogs.

Douglas, I assume
you know what

two frogs are
doing in the pantry?

I'm trying to know.

That's my assignment.

Nothing.

No eggs, no tadpoles.

How am I supposed to learn
about frog reproduction

if you guys
won't cooperate?

I even gave 'em the privacy
of their own cupboard.

Why don't you play them
a Lionel Richie album?

Good idea!

Douglas...

Okay, Jason.

You start on
the bottom cabinets.

I don't want to.

Who knows who he's got
doing what down there.

Do the cabinets or
I'll put you in a jar.

It sounds like your
democracy is turning

into a dictatorship, Lila.

No, it isn't.

Clean those cabinets
or you're exiled.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm gonna seek
political asylum

in my room.

Hey, come back here.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I hope that's
not them already.

Lila, can you give me
a hand with this, please?

-Sure.
-Take that.

-Thanks, Lila.
-You're welcome.

-Oh, Buddy.
-Hi, Charles.

Listen, we've done
some advance scouting

on the people
you invited over.

The movers, the shakers.

What makes 'em move,

what makes 'em shake.

Just so you know who
you're dealing with.

Okay, we have got...

Tony Abruzzi.

Hey, the quarterback?

-Uh-huh.
-A jock.

Has the ear
of the jocks.

So to speak.

What do I need
to know, Gwendolyn?

Okay, he's on an
athletic scholarship,

so he's concerned
about financial aid.

He's also an
astronomy major,

so you might
mention restoring

the observatory, okay?

Hey, that's good.

Who else?

Okay, we have
Bradley Simpson,

computer whiz,

head of the science club.

Likes pistachio ice cream
and the sound of helicopters.

His favorite
month is October,

and he's allergic
to Tabasco sauce.

Buddy, can I talk
to you for a second?

How is that possibly
going to help me?

Don't serve
Tabasco sauce.

Fine.

Okay, there's
Todd Baldwin,

president of
the Lords of Pleasure,

the social club on campus.

Yeah, but don't let
the Goodtime Charley

image fool you.

He's pre-med with
a straight A average.

Hey, that could
be very useful.

Since they're voting
on whether to appropriate

funds for new medical
supplies this year.

Jacqueline Bloom.

Auburn hair, hazel eyes.

Turn-ons: long drives
through the country,

listening to
the Eurythmics,

and men who speak
with Castilian accents.

-Her turn-offs are--
-Buddy...

where did you come
up with this stuff?

I interviewed
her on the phone.

I told her I
was from Playboy.

She's the feature editor

of the Copeland College
student newspaper,

and she's gonna
be very interested

in facts and statistics.

Gwendolyn, I am
impressed by you.

Which comes as no surprise

since I'm always
impressed by you.

In fact...

What?

[doorbell rings]

Nothing, just a crazy thought.

Uh, that must be them.

Anything else I should know?

Uh, yes, her most
embarrassing moment--

Never mind, Buddy.

-Hi!
-Hi.

Come on in.

How you doing?

Hi, you must be
Charles, I'm--

Todd Baldwin.

Tony Abruzzi.

Bradley Simpson.

And Jacqueline Bloom.

Thank you for
coming over.

Oh, it's so nice
to finally meet you.

Heard so little
about you.

Well, I'm hoping
to change all that.

I'd like you to
meet my two friends,

Gwendolyn Pierce
and Buddy Lembeck.

Nice to meet you.

This is an important day,

historic day.

You know, you sound just
like this strange guy

I talked to on
the phone today.

Strange, me?

Brad, you must
be mistaken.

Isn't October a beautiful month?

Especially when you're
cruising in a convertible

listening to the Eurythmics.

Okay, why don't
we all sit down?

Tony, would you
have a seat, please?

Anybody like some
crackers with cheese?

Or plain, I have both.

There you go, Tony,
just help yourself.

What I'd really
like, Charles,

is to know
what can be done

about the cafeteria food.

Yeah.

What do you think
about that, Gwendolyn?

Well, we could start
circulating a petition,

propose some alternatives
like a salad bar.

Oh, that sounds good.

But Charles, how about
supplying new typewriters

for our news staff?

We have three
manual typewriters

for 10 reporters.

Oh, that sounds
pretty inconvenient.

Huh, Gwendolyn?

Yeah.

You know something?

I wonder if we could get
the New Jersey Register

to start some sort
of internship program

which would allow us
to use their equipment.

Well, I wonder why
I can't even park

in the library parking lot
on the day of the game.

They use it for
crowd overflow.

So, what's wrong with that?

Who wants to be
at the library on

the day of a game anyway?

There are some people
in this world who study

on Saturdays.

That's true!

Well, you both have
very good points.

Now, it seems to me
whoever gets to be president

will certainly
require lots of time

to study these issues.

Charles, there are frogs
under the refrigerator.

Small emergencies.

They like it there!

Stop yelling, you'll
scare 'em out of the mood.

Charles, the webbing on my
lacrosse stick came loose.

Jason, I don't have time now.

Could you please
deal with this one?

If I could deal with it,
I wouldn't need you.

And I'm not ready
to accept that yet.

I'll go up.

No, Gwendolyn, it's
my responsibility.

Excuse me, I'll
just be a second.

Charles.

Everything will
be fine, Buddy.

Gwendolyn will
fill in for me.

That Charles,
he is so dedicated.

There is no crisis too small.

Not only that, he loves
pistachio ice cream.

Well, sounds to me
like he's spreading

himself pretty thin.

He'll have a lot
to deal with

if he's president.

That's right.

Do you know that
crime on campus

is up by five percent?

Well, I certainly do,

but I think we can
reduce that figure

by putting better lighting
in the parking areas.

And I think it also
might be a good idea

to start a neighborhood
watch on campus.

Why isn't Charles
here to discuss this?

The least he could do is
give us his full attention.

Now, wait a minute.

You're not being fair.

I mean, since you
have been here,

you've gotten clear
positions on cafeteria food,

journalistic benefits,
and crime reduction.

Yes, but--

I'm sorry, everybody.

But I'm quite sure
that Gwendolyn

has covered all
of your questions.

[doorbell rings]

Excuse me.

Hey!

Elliot.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just brought
a few friends by

to meet Uncle Stan
and Aunt Jill.

And, you know?

I figured you'd be
working real hard

on your campaign, Charles,

so I brought some pizza.

And it is party time!

Yeah!

Hold it.

Elliot, you can't
just come over here.

And visit my own family?

There's nothing
wrong with that,

is there, Charles?

I brought enough
pizza for everyone.

Hey, thanks, Elliot.

These beats dry crackers.

And, you know,
I just happen

to have here with me

a few extra campaign buttons.

And there you go.

Boom.

Very sporty.

Come on, Charles, dig in.

Hey, pizza!

Cousin Elliot!

Hey, Jason!

Hey, aren't you
Tony Abruzzi,

the quarterback?

That's right.

I saw you play
against Midland.

Charles took me.

You had a pretty good game.

Yeah, I guess so.

Threw for
two touchdowns,

ran one in for another.

Could've had four
if you hadn't misread

the defense on
third and goal

from the sixth.

I could tell they
were gonna try a stunt.

Bye.

I couldn't!

Well, how could you te--

Hey, kid, wait up!

Okay, Elliot.

As long as you're here,

maybe we should discuss
some of the important

issues of this campaign.

In fact, Gwendolyn,
can you come here

for a second, please?

You know, the only
important issue, Charles,

is that the pizza
is getting cold.

Charles, congratulate me,

the music's working.

Chuck and Di
are dancing.

Who's Chuck and Di?

The frogs.

I figured if I could get
'em on a first name basis

it might help
'em get started.

Good thinking, Douglas.

Finally, I'm gonna
be a frog uncle.

Okay.

Back to the issues.

Issues, issues.

What is it with you
and issues, Charles?

I'll tell you what it is.

I don't think you
should be wasting

our money on things like
trips to Atlantic City.

A trip to Atlantic City
is very educational, Charles.

We can study
the sea, the sand,

the casinos.

Gwendolyn.

Atlantic City
is not the issue.

Improving conditions
for the students

is the issue, Elliot.

We need more housing,

we need more parking.

What about the fact
that the library's

on reduced hours
because of budget cuts?

You know, nobody's
even trying to organize

volunteer workers
to keep it open.

Where is the library?

That's very funny, Elliot.

But jokes aren't
going to solve

our problems.

You've done nothing
but sit there

and dodge issues.

Gwendolyn has come up with
some very important points.

Now, everybody,
when you vote tomorrow,

you should think
about who can actually

solve the problems
that are facing us.

♪

Oh.

Gave me a shock.

Charles, if we don't
stop pacing on this carpet,

one of us is going
to get electrocuted.

I can't help it, Gwendolyn.

Buddy should've been back by
now with the election results.

Now I know what it
must've felt like

to be a McGovern supporter.

Did you win yet, Charles?

No, not yet.

Mom, I don't want a lot.

Just four or five
sandwiches to hold me

over till dinner.

Jason, this food is for
Charles' victory party

when all of his
supporters get here.

Oh.

Thank you, Mrs. Pembroke,

but I'm afraid all
of my supporters

are in this room.

And only two
of us could vote.

Charles, almost
everyone I know

voted for you.

And Buddy said
he voted for you

as many times
as he could...

until he got caught.

Upsets have been
known to happen.

Sure, the Giants in '51,

the Mets in '69,

and Charles in '85.

They're coming!

Everybody on campus
is coming here,

it was a landslide.

Wait a minute, hold it,
Charles didn't win.

What?

You mean Elliot's bringing
his victory party here?

-No.
-Buddy!

See, Elliot didn't
win either.

It was a massive write-in vote.

There was some
confusion at first

because some of
the write-ins

came from the football team.

They voted as a block
for Jason Pembroke.

Me?

The football team?

I'm president!

You didn't win either.

Then who did win, Buddy?

Hey, Gwendolyn!

[applause]

Me?

You see that, Lila?

The best man won.

It's a good system if you don't
underestimate the people.

Oh, Charles.

I am so sorry.

I had no idea.

And I had no idea.

Well, I had some idea.

Gwendolyn, please,
don't be sorry.

You were always
the perfect person

for the job.

Congratulations,
Madam President.

Thank you, Charles.

You know, I could use
a good man like you

in my cabinet.

At your service.

[applause]

Who wants something to drink?

I do!

Charles, Charles.

What?

Sit down.

I'm sorry you didn't
get to be president

of your class.

Oh, no, Jason,
that's okay.

As a matter of fact,
I'm glad that Gwendolyn won,

'cause now I have more
time to be president

of you, Lila, and Douglas.

Come on, Charles, this
is Jason you're talking to.

Look me in the eye and
tell me you're not hurting.

Okay, Jason,
maybe a little.

It's okay, guy.

Life's not always easy.

Some things don't
happen for the best.

But when things go wrong,

you should smile

because life's too good
to go through it upset.

That is very
smart advice, Jason.

And you know what?

I think I'll follow it.

I'm glad.

Because I think
I broke your stereo.

♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪♪

♪