01x18 - Charles 'R' Us

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in
the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs ♪

♪ And it's
understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days ♪

♪ And our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days ♪

♪ And our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

Three more quarters
and a nickel.

Five dollars!

Now, we're
talking cash.

Yeah, I try to keep
an emergency five

stuck in a jacket pocket
somewhere and forget about it.

You know, in case
of an emergency.

Like a plague or a flood.

Yeah, and no money
for the weekend.

Right.

I donate you to
our worthy cause.

Now, let's go to
the tote-board.

What does that bring
us to, Gwendolyn?

Timpani!

Eight dollars
and twelve cents.

Maybe if we got Wayne Newton
to do a couple of songs.

Cheer up, Charles, at least we
can look on the bright side.

What's the bright
side of broke, Buddy?

We have no dates to
be broke in front of.

That is not my idea
of a silver lining.

Now, if we had money,
we could have dates.

Dinner at the Grotto.

We've got eight dollars
and twelve cents,

we can't even afford
clam night at Hojo's.

Buddy, are you crazy,
what are you doing?

Well, there's always money
underneath the couch cushions.

[gasps]

Aw, it's clean, somebody's
been here already.

Who would be
strange enough

to look for money
underneath the couch?

Sixteen dollars,

Dougie!

What can I do
for you, Charles?

Hey, is that
American currency

you're counting
there, Doug?

Yeah, I'm saving up
for a new mask.

A new mask?

Well, what seems to be
wrong with this one?

Jason shredded it.

Why?

Just because I spread

a little bit of
honey in his underwear.

Jason!

I'm fine,
I'm perfectly fine.

Oh, listen, Douglas.

Do you think I could possibly
borrow some money until payday?

How come, Charles?

Well, frankly,
I'm a little tight.

You don't know from tight.

Sure, Charles, you
can borrow it all.

Thanks, Douglas,
I'll get it back to you--

Seventeen percent interest
compounded daily.

There's a rip in
your mask, Pembroke.

Now what?

We've got no dates and
no money to spend on 'em.

Oh, come on, guys.

You don't need money
to take a girl out.

You know, sometimes a
girl appreciates...

Well, an imaginative
date just as much.

You'd go on an
imaginative date?

Depends on who it's with.

Me.

[laughing]

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Buddy.

It's just that
I'm busy tonight.

Well, if you
weren't busy,

would you go on an
imaginative date with me?

No.

Why not?

I don't trust
your imagination.

Wait a minute,
Gwendolyn.

You don't think money means
anything to women on a date?

No, of course not.

Who are you busy
with tonight?

Bradley Garrett.

Oh!

You mean the guy
that drives the Nova?

No, he drives a Porsche.

And where is he taking you
in his Porsche, hmm?

Well, it doesn't matter, because
I don't have any expectations.

Yeah, well, I do.

I expect we'll end up at the
Lamplight with clam breath

for the rest of
our lives unless

we find a way to
make some money.

[door unlocks]

She said how lucky we
were to find Charles.

-Hi guys.
-Hi.

We were visiting
the Wilson's,

you remember those
people that met you.

Oh, sure, didn't
they want to hire

a live-in family helper
of their own?

Yeah, well, they still haven't
been able to find anyone.

They would pay
an arm and a leg

if they could find
someone to help them.

♪

You wanna franchise me?

Charles, you've
built a reputation

for yourself in
the neighborhood.

You've taken care of
the kids for six months

and the house is
still standing.

So?

So that breeds trust.

You know Mrs. Pembroke, she
said she knew lots of couples.

Hey, Eddie.

Yo, Buddy.

What do you wanna know?

Aren't there lots of couples
in the neighborhood

who would love to have a
Charles working for them?

Forty-three couples.

How do you know that?

Hey, I am the bartender.

I know everything.

What do you wanna know?

I wanna know how I'm supposed
to work for somebody else

when I already work
for the Pembrokes.

You don't work
for somebody else,

but what if somebody
else was trained by you

to work for somebody else
and we could offer them

the 'Good Charles Keeping'
seal of approval?

Hey, Eddie.

What do you wanna know?

These two girls.

Lori and Beth
from Highland Park.

Unattached at the
present time.

Lori likes strawberries,

has seven freckles
on her left ankle.

Beth sleeps
with a nightlight,

and uses herbal shampoo.

I am the bartender.

I know everything!

And I know when they smile
at you, that's very good.

Charles,
what I figure is,

who better to find other
Charles' than Charles himself?

Not now, Buddy, we've got
other things to discuss here.

What we have to discuss
is franchising Charles'

at a significant, yet
reasonable finder's fee.

Why do they have
to be Charles'?

Because 43 couples
in the neighborhood

think you're a good kid.

I'm not a good kid.

Charles, this is a priority.

Why?

Because we have eight dollars
and 12 cents to our name.

Brilliant.

Buddy, those were girls.

Charles, we're broke.

They would've found out
sooner or later.

Later.

Later would have
been better.

Charles, promise me
we'll go on a Charles hunt.

We'll charge $50 dollars
a Charles.

All we have to do is find ten
Charles' for ten families

and the next time
two girls smile at us,

we'll at least be able
to buy 'em a hamburger.

You know, you're right.

We couldn't have even
bought them a hamburger.

All we have to do is find a
few responsible students?

And we'll never
be hungry again.

Yeah, and maybe we could take
our dates to fancy places.

Like wherever Gwendolyn's
going tonight, right Eddie?

What do you wanna know?

It is important to be
able to take a girl

to a fancy place once
in a while, isn't it?

You came here
in a Porsche?

And I'm having
a wonderful time.

[laughing]

You wanna
franchise yourself?

Uh-huh.

You see,
Buddy and I feel

that live-in family helpers
are the wave of the future.

Yeah, with more
and more families

having both
parents working,

we think the demand
will grow and grow.

And where better than
a college to find them

and who better to
train 'em than Charles?

Yeah, so they'll earn
a little extra money.

We're gonna start
our own franchise.

I think it's
a wonderful idea.

What are you
gonna call it?

-Charles R Us.
-Charles R Us.

Catchy.

What's a franchise?

Like those
fast food places.

Like a hamburger
franchise.

Like a hamburger,
franchise and a coke.

What do you think,
Mr. Pembroke?

You're a business man.

You think we
have the potential

for something
worthwhile here?

Well, Charles,
any good business

is based on
supply and demand.

What does that mean, Dad?

Well, it means you
can be successful

if you supply something
that people are demanding.

None left, we
have to buy some more.

You see, we've just demonstrated
why ice cream is good business.

You know, Charles,
since you've been with us,

it is not just the Wilson's
who've inquired about you.

I'll bet you can't
begin to guess

the number of
couples who've asked.

-Forty-three.
-Forty-three.

-Eddie told us.
-He's a bartender.

He knows everything.

How are you gonna start
your own business, Charles?

Well, tomorrow, we're
gonna set up interviews

for our first
dozen candidates

and see who
shows potential.

College guys, here?

I'm not excited.

I'm sure some girls
will apply also.

College girls, here?

I'm not excited.

After all, we plan to be
equal opportunistic employers.

Charles R Us guarantees

the higher standards
of quality control.

Let's see, 43 families
times $50 dollars a Charles.

Two thousand, one hundred
and fifty dollars.

And this small town is
just the beginning.

Well, not that we're
in it for the money.

I see expansion all over
the eastern seaboard.

We worked out a three-phase
weeding out process

before we'd actually
place a candidate.

And we'll push forth into the
North and the South and the West

hunting potential Charles' on
every American college campus.

It's our manifest destiny.

Well, you're
certainly welcome

to use our house
for your interviews.

-Really?
-Sure, Charles.

Who are we to stand in
the way of big business?

Here a Charles,
there a Charles.

Everywhere a
Charles-Charles.

And of course, for those select
people who pass the interview,

there is the t*rture test.

"The t*rture test?"

Yes.

Twenty minutes of
unrelenting agony

administered by
my t*rture weapons.

Your "t*rture weapons"?

Yes, Jason,
Lila and Douglas.

♪

Buddy!

-You ready, Charles?
-I'm ready, Buddy.

We got lots of good
candidates in the kitchen.

Our first business
venture together.

-We're excited?
-We're excited!

I never expected this
kind of response.

That must have been some sign
you put up in the student union.

Yep, clear and to the point.

What'd it say?

"Get Fed, Own Bed,
Good Bread, Call Fred"

Who's Fred?

-I'll be Fred.
-Why?

What rhymes with "Buddy"?

What's the difference,
we've got 28 hopefuls in there?

-We're excited!
-We're optimistic!

Yeah, we're optimistic.

Everyone that walks in here
is a potential Charles.

And every Charles is a
lobster date at the Grotto.

We're excited,
we're optimistic.

-We're rich.
-We're rich.

Alright, bring
in the first $50.

George Franklin?

-George.
-Fred.

This is Charles.

-Pleasure.
-Likewise.

George, you seem
like a regular guy.

You're probably just what
we're looking for, but uh...

I do have to ask you a
couple of questions, okay?

-I understand.
-Please have a seat.

Alright, George, you
have a favorite record,

and one day you
find a scratch on it

and although you
have no proof,

you're pretty sure
that it was put there

by one of the three kids
in the house, okay?

What course of
action do you take?

I was raised in
a very strict,

moral and ethical
upbringing, Charles,

and I believe I'd
deal with the children

as my father
dealt with me,

because I like to
think I turned out okay.

You sure did, George

and that's very admirable;
I think we have--

First, I'd lock them
all in a dark room.

Thank you for
coming by, George!

And then...

I'd play the record
with the scratch on it

over and over and over.

Have a nice day, George.

Did I get the job?

Yeah, we'll be in touch.

Nutcase!

Next.

♪

Okay, Clarence, you
have a favorite record.

I don't have any records.

Okay, pretend
you have a record.

I can't.

Why don't we move on
to the next question?

No, it's okay.

Um, somebody
buys you a record.

Who, Charles?

Fred.

Move to the
next question.

No.

What record did
you buy me, Fred?

Next.

♪

Okay, you
have a record.

The charges against me

were reduced to
a misdemeanor.

It was my partner
that had the g*n.

♪

Look, I have
interviewed 5,000 people.

One worse than
other, but you.

You are, by far, the worst.

Before you, I'd take the
guy with the dark room.

Before you, I'd take
the guy with the g*n.

In fact,
you know what?

You, get out.

But don't I get to
answer the question

about the
scratched record?

Buddy, get
outta the chair.

No.

No more.

No more!

No more.

I was so excited,
I was so optimistic.

Have we seen everybody?

We've seen
everybody and Buddy.

Hey, can I
come out now?

Except one girl.

No more, Buddy.

No more, please, look.

I don't care
about the money.

I don't care
about a date.

I don't care
about the Grotto.

I don't want to
see a lobster dinner.

Please, no more.

Charles, it's just
a girl in there.

How bad can she be?

Bad.

Think of it this way.

If worse comes to worse

and she turns out
to be a crazy lunatic,

I can ask her out.

Come on out.

Hi.

Hi.

Charles, we hit
the jackpot.

Really?

[screams]

Charles!

It's her, find
the breakables, Buddy

cover the carpeting,
hide the walls.

Nothing personal, Megan,
I happen to like you.

Hurricane Megan
is back in town.

I take it you two
know each other.

That's Megan Harper.

Hi.

One day a few months ago,

Jason and Douglas
declared w*r on each other.

And I gave Charles
a little bit of advice

on how to establish peace.

Uh-huh, and I
took her advice.

Damage reports are
still coming in.

Oh, Charles, you know
I have done a lot

of growing up since then.

To the point of wanting to
take care of children now?

Well, see, I would
like another shot

at that job with the
Wilson's and if you, Charles,

would refer me, then maybe
I could get the job.

Oh, I don't know Megan.

The Wilson's have such
a nice little house.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

That's $50 dollars you're
shaking your head about.

You don't know
about $50 dollars?

-Ask her the question.
-No!

Charles R Us guarantees each
applicant a fair chance.

It's in our
company charter.

We don't have a
company charter.

We do now, now ask
her the question.

Okay.

You had a
favorite record,

and one day you find a
scratch in the record.

And although you
have no proof,

you're pretty sure that one of
the kids in the house did it.

What course of
action do you take?

Well, I would
ask the kids

if they scratched
the record.

And if they
say they did?

I would be shocked
because I never admitted

to anything like that
when I was a kid either so.

[laughing]

Oh, I'm sorry, Megan.

-Wrong answer?
-No, right answer.

Then, what are you
sorry about, Charles?

Well, you see you've
passed the interview

and now I have to put you
through the t*rture test.

It is however
my obligation

to offer you the
chance to back out now.

No, no, I am in
this all the way.

Okay.

t*rture test,
are we ready?

Are you kidding, we've
been ready all afternoon.

Okay, Megan, now you're no
strange to battle conditions.

Okay.

Go.

Phase One.

You're on your own.

♪

I've decided to
become a hood.

I like the clothes.

I like the shades.

And hoods don't waste their
free time doin' homework.

So, what're you
gonna do about it?

I would never stand
in your way, Lila.

Oh, wrong answer,
I'm sorry, Megan.

You failed Phase One.

We do have some lovely
parting gifts though.

Although, it is a shame that
you're gonna have to wear

that black leather
jacket all of the time.

Why?

Because all of the new spring
fashions are in the stores

and I thought maybe
we would go shopping.

Except, what is
the difference

because you're never ever
gonna be able to make out

all those new colors
in those sunglasses.

When are we
going shopping?

That's 50 big ones
in our pockets.

Not bad, Megan.

It's good form.

Classy attitude.

You still have
to get past...

Phase Two!

Basketball practice
at school today!

Ah, walk!

Hey, that's
pretty good.

Charles never lets
me run either.

-He always says it's so--
-Go ahead, Phase Two.

I'm trying out for the
basketball team at school today.

Do I have your
permission?

Well, now, what do
your parents say?

They say no.

They think
I'm too short.

Ah, well, then
you can't try out.

But all my friends
are trying out.

My parents would be so proud
of me if I made the team.

They would?

My Dad was a basketball
star in college.

I wanna follow
in his footsteps.

Well, then, what
can be the harm

in trying out for
basketball, huh?

-No good.
-Huh?

Rule Number One:

This is not your kid.

Now, if the parents don't
want him doing something,

they have a good reason.

Charles, trying out for
school sports is no big deal.

I mean,
what could happen?

Plenty.

Uh, well, how do you know?

Well, because I
made the same mistake.

See, he got so trampled
that when he came home,

I didn't even
recognize him.

How do you think
I got this short?

You know, it seemed like
such a simple decision.

Rule Number Two: There
are no simple decisions.

Now, even though you spend all
of your time with the kids,

you work for the parents.

It's what they
say that goes.

Uh, Charles, my parents said I
could have some chocolate cake,

so I guess there's nothing
you can do about it.

Rule Number Three:
Kids Catch on like That!

Freeze.

Alright, nobody move!

Douglas, what
are you doing?

This is not
Phase Three!

You don't get
your Phase Three,

until I get back
my 19 dollars.

Excuse me, Megan, an unscheduled
problem at the Pembroke house.

Alright, who
stole my 19 dollars?

Douglas, that's
not right.

I'll say!

Thou shalt not steal.

That's one of the top ten.

Douglas, this is not what we
had planned for Phase Three.

This is not
Phase Three?

This is
not a test.

I've been robbed.

I want action.

Spreading a little bit
of honey in your underwear

is not worth 19 dollars.

Hand it over, thief!

Hold it, Douglas.

You don't accuse somebody

when you're not
absolutely certain.

Hmm?

And even then, you never do
it in front of other people.

Now, we're going
to close our eyes

and count to three

and whoever
took the money...

Will put it on the table.

Okay, close your eyes.

One...

Two...

Three.

-Wow.
-Wow.

Some trick.

What's going on;
we just walked in.

The Case of the
Stolen Loot.

Is there 19 dollars
on that table?

-No.
-Whose loot?

Douglas'.

Alright, who
has the money?

We can't be sure.

I mean, we don't want to
jump to any false conclusions.

Hand it over, thief.

Well, I'm shocked.

I am shocked and
dismayed at this...

shocking dismance.

Jason.

I don't care, I'm not
talking to you.

I want to see my lawyer.

Well, if you didn't take
the money, then who did?

Lila!

Yeah?

Nice sunglasses.

Oh, thanks.

I have a pair
just like 'em.

Cost me 19 bucks.

How 'bout you?

♪

Alright, it was me.

I borrowed the

remember when you
were on the phone

and I said I
needed something.

And you said, "Not now."

And I said, "Yes, now."

And you disintegrated me.

Yes.

Well, what I was
gonna say is that

Bonnie Tubor owes
me 21 dollars,

which she's gonna
pay me on Monday.

But in order to get
the glasses for Phase One,

I needed to borrow
the money from you.

You see, it's not like I wasn't
gonna pay you back or anything.

Well, unless of course,

you thought I looked
so cool in these glasses

that you were willing
to donate 19 dollars

to have a cool sister.

Get cool on
your own money.

Find, I'll return them,
but I'll remember this

next time you wanna borrow
money to buy sea monkeys.

Uh, dinner's in
half an hour.

[door slams]

You look like a man with
something to say to me.

Could that be true?

Sorry, Jason.

I can't hear you.

Sorry, Jason.

Did you all get that?

-Yes.
-Yes, we heard it.

Well, I think a
little chocolate cake

will help soothe my
scarred reputation.

How about a little
dinner first?

Compromises,
compromises.

Nice job, Megan.

Classy detective work.

So.

So, so, so.

You look like a man with
something to say to me.

Could that be true?

Congratulations, Megan,
you're our first Charles.

Hey, we should frame her,

and hang her on the wall.

And our last Charles.

No matter amount
of money was worth

to what we went
through today.

Charles R Us are bust.

You're our
only graduate.

-Oh, you're sure?
-If you are.

Wanna walk our prodigy
over to the Wilson's?

-It'd be my pleasure.
-Thank you, Charles.

Listen, Buddy, I am--
I'm very curious.

Now, which one of
the children was it,

who scratched
Charles' record?

It was me.

♪

No, you have
to know exactly

how much you
can get away with.

You see, it's not like she's
your mother or anything.

So, you have to
sense just how much

you can take
advantage of her--

Lila.

Who are you
talking to?

Marcie Wilson;
I'm giving her tips

on how to handle a
live-in family helper.

-Hi, everyone.
-Gotta go.

Charles!

Lila.

Were you talking
to Marcie Wilson?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Oh, Megan, tells me you
talk all the time lately.

Yeah, when'd you
talk to Megan?

Oh, she and I talk all
the time lately, too.

I'm giving her tips
on how to handle

the daughter of the family.

That's Buddy,
see you later!

Where you going,
now that you got

a little extra money
in your pockets?

The Grotto?

The Lamplight.

Buddy and I
want to keep

some of the money
in our pockets.

I got a date with a girl

with seven freckles
on her left ankle.

No, no, my date has the
freckles on her ankle.

Your date sleeps
with a nightlight.

No, Buddy,
I want the freckles.

Well, it cost
me my savings,

but it was worth it.

Oh.

Is it getting sticky
in here or...

[maniacal laughter]

♪

-Hi, everybody!
-Hi, Charles.

Oh, Mr. Pembroke,
I was wondering.

Did you interview
a lot of students

before you chose
me to live here?

Oh yes, Charles,
quite a few.

And did you have a lot of
people to choose among?

Oh, actually Charles,
it was always between you

and one other guy.

Really?

What was he like?

Uh, let me see.

He wore a bow-tie,

and he didn't
have any records.

♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪