01x20 - The Wrong Guy

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

[laughing]

Our first bachelor party!

Don't you love the concept?

Yeah, some other guy
sacrifices his singlehood--

--and we get to celebrate
staying bachelors

in a classy place
like Louie's Boom Boom Room.

How great a party you
figure this is gonna be?

Well, I'd rather not
say in front of L-I-L-A.

L-I-L-A?

[phone rings]

Hello?

Yes, she is, hold on a second.

Lila, it's for you.

I'll call back.

I wanna hear more
about the Boom Boom Room.

It's a guy named Van.

I'll take it in the other room.

Missed!

Jason, what are you doing?

Our school paper is having
a funny photo contest.

The person that sends in
the funniest photo wins seeds!

Seeds?

Yeah, you know,
marigolds, zinnias.

I wanna win something, right?

I can't believe it!

Missed again!

Come on.

This is great.

This is so great!

Remember when I told you
I was getting nervous

because no one
was asking me out?

Uh-huh.

And you said,
"Just wait until spring."

Well, it's spring,
and I just got asked out!

How did you know?

Well, it's natural!

You see, the sun shines,
and the air warms up,

and so do the people.

They fall in love,
they get married--

They have bachelor parties.

That's right!

You two have a
bachelor party tonight.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Boy, I remember
my bachelor party!

You had a bachelor party?

No, no.

Mrs. Pembroke,
they're not really

all they're cracked up to be.

It's just a bunch of
lonely guys sitting around

wishing they were
the ones to be married.

Well, that's a
lovely thought, Buddy,

and I appreciate how difficult
it must be for you to say.

With a straight face.

Well, I gave it a shot!

Listen, I'll see you
tonight, Charles, I gotta go.

-Bye!
-Bye.

So, what about my date?

Well, that's great,

but remember what
we talked about.

I know.

I told him before I say yes,
you and mom have to meet him

to make sure he's normal.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,
boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

But then again, I don't
know if I understand

your basis for comparison.

[doorbell rings]

My date!

Wait, maybe I should
condition my hair.

[gargling noises]

Charles, you take Douglas.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Hi!

Good afternoon, Mrs. Pembroke.

I'm Mr. Pembroke.

Nice to meet you,
I'm Ed Stanley.

♪ Solid ♪

♪ Solid as a rock,
that's what we are ♪

♪ Solid ♪

I'm Van.

We were only
expecting one of you.

Oh, well, it's a double
date, so we both came over.

Hey, look at that!

My folks have the same painting!

Uh, but yours is upside down.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
we like it that way.

Knock yourself out.

♪ Like a virgin ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Like a virgin ♪

Uh, Ed, won't you
come on in, sit down,

and tell us about yourself?

Missed!

[gurgling]

I can't get it off, Charles!

What?

She kissed me!

Joanna Merrill kissed
me on the lips!

It spread throughout
my whole head!

Are we saying this is good,
or are we saying this is bad?

May I take you
into my confidence, Charles?

Do you have to, Douglas?

It happened after
band practice today.

I can never go into
the coat room again.

Why not?

What's in there?

My coat and Joanna Merrill.

Joanna Merrill kissed me!

She kissed you?

Shh!

Oh, sorry, sorry!

What happened?

I went in there to get my coat.

It's kinda dark.

I felt something wet
and clingy on my lips,

like a squid.

So, what did you do?

What would you do?

What did you do?

I froze, naturally!

There were Joanna Merrill's
lips smiling at me!

I know if I ever go into
that coat room again,

she'll be there, lurking.

What should I
have done, Charles?

You should have kissed her back!

Why?

Oh, because that
would've made you even.

Kiss her back.

Is that a good strategy?

Works for me!

♪

My father's a Princeton
man, and a neurosurgeon.

I'd like to follow
in his footsteps.

Welcome to the family.

Why is it that
parents feel the need

to collect all
this material junk?

I really don't know, Van.

Uh, Jason, why don't
you come over here, son,

and learn about Princeton?

But Dad, I'm taking
pictures of Van!

He told me he's gonna be
a famous musician someday.

Hey, you know, your
kid's a paparazzi!

Yeah!

I'm paparazzi-ing for seeds!

Hey, you wanna know
a great place

to get some really good shots?

Four in the morning,
Gooey Louie's.

Okay, Mr. Paparazzi.

Let's see what's going
on in the kitchen.

Oh, hi, guys!

I didn't know you were here!

Mom, I see you've met my date.

Yes, and he's a
very nice young man.

See?

Didn't I tell you my parents
would appreciate you?

Thanks, Dad.

How's it going out there?

Okay, I guess.

Lila's date seems
like a nice guy.

I don't know what he's doing

hanging around with
that other bozo.

Well, some guys just
have strange friends.

♪ She wore blue

velvet ♪

What do you think?

It's for the bachelor party--

$9.95 at Sid's Aquarium
and Tuxedo Rental.

And worth every penny, Buddy!

Yeah, I'll say!

He even threw in this fish!

Jason!

Gotcha!

I gotta go, I gotta
put this in water.

Good idea, and what are
you gonna do with the fish?

You know, Ed's a nice guy,

but I sure don't like
the company he keeps.

I mean, if they're gonna double

with Van and whatever kooky
girl is desperate enough

to go out with him--

Whoa, wait a second,
did you say Van?

Yeah, why, do you know him?

Uh, no, I don't know him, but--

His name is Van, and
he's from the moon.

Mr. Pembroke, I think
you should be aware

that Van and Lila, uh...

uh, well, Lila...

but, you see, it's just a date
and Lila can handle herself.

Yeah, you're right.

Good judgment runs in
the Pembroke family.

Come on, I want you to
meet Lila's date, Ed.

You'll like him.

Stan, uh, Lila and Ed are
not going out together.

[laughing]

Jill, come on, let's
not be overprotective.

We've gotta learn to trust Lila.

Besides, Ed's a nice boy.

But, Dad, I'm
going out with Van.

[laughing]

What?

I may be going
out on a limb here,

but I don't think he likes me.

Oh, sure he likes you.

Doesn't he, Charles?

I'd say the jury's out.

Look at Dad's face!

Just look at these vivid reds!

I'd say the jury's in.

Charles.

Lila?

Help.

♪

I think he's a hood.

I don't think they
have those anymore.

Charles, don't you think
this Van guy's a hood?

I don't think they
have those anymore.

Stan, don't you think
we should give Lila

a little more credit
and not make a rash judgment

based on a first impression?

I have an opinion,

but it'll just make
one of you upset.

You really think I should
let Lila go out with Van?

If Lila sees something in him,

well, I say he's a decent guy.

Okay, okay, I'll give the little
slimeball one more chance.

What more could anyone ask for?

So, Van, where would you
like to take Lila tonight?

Uh, to a jam session.

Van is in a rock group.

Oh, good, good.

Well, I'm decided.

Sir, may I?

Hey, Van, you know, you and
I have something in common!

I led a band when I
was in high school.

We called ourselves
the Charles Tones.

What do you call yourselves?

The Scuzz.

Mrs. Pembroke, you're up.

Okay.

Van, so, do you like school?

Yeah, I loved it.

And now back to you, Stan.

You know something, Van?

Lila's going out
with Ed tonight.

What?

Yes, I've listened,
and I've decided.

Lila, you're going out
with Ed tonight.

Daddy!

Uh, Mr. Pembroke,

I'm not sure this was
supposed to be a contest.

But we have a winner here!

No.

No, I mean, Ed
didn't ask Lila out,

and Lila didn't accept!

Semantics.

I'm late for a drum lesson.

I'll talk to you later, Lila.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Pembroke,
I want you to know,

it's been a real honor
being invited--

Charles.

Your advice about Lila
going out with Van--

do you understand
what I'm telling you?

You're telling me I shouldn't
give you any more advice.

Dad!

Lila, what do you
see in this boy?

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Well, for one thing,
he acts like himself

and doesn't put up a
phony front like that Ed

whose father didn't
really go to Princeton.

I forgive Ed.

Charles, say something
while you're still young.

What do you want me to say?

Anything!

Don't wimp out on me like this!

Lila, I objected.

But I was overruled.

But it's the wrong decision!

No, Lila, don't
run up the stairs!

Jason, can you put
the camera away, please?

This is not exactly one
of life's funnier moments.

Lila, if you just sit down.

Ow!

[knocking]

Come on in, Lila.

It's me, Charles.

I think if I wear this
the rest of my life,

Joanna Merrill
will lose interest.

Yeah, but what if she does this?

Come on, Douglas,
kissing is no big thing.

Not for you--you're an expert!

Oh, no, I'm not an expert.

I'm not exactly
an amateur, either!

I guess you could
call me a semi-pro.

Well, could you semi-talk
me through kissing a girl?

Okay.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Let's pretend this
is Joanna Merrill.

Don't flatter her.

All right.

Joanna has just kissed you.

Now what do you do?

Hyperventilate.

No, Douglas, no.

What you do--come here.

You put your arm around her,

lean in, and gently
kiss her lips.

[gasping]

Douglas, come on.

Okay?

Let's go.

Hey, you and me, babe.

Douglas.

Douglas, not so hungry!

Douglas, what are you doing?

Of course I get caught!

You kiss a cobra,
you get caught!

Next time, why don't I
just send invitations?

Charles, why don't
my parents trust me?

They do trust you!

They don't trust Van!

Well, did you tell them
that if they trusted me,

they'd know I could
handle myself with Van?

That it's a double date,
and we'd be home by 10:30.

How come you wanna
go out with this guy?

I don't know.

There's something
different about him.

No question about that!

I don't know if I like him,

but I know that I don't
know anyone like him,

so it's worth going out
with him to see if I like him.

Know what I mean?

Not really.

But I like you, and I trust you.

♪

Come on.

It's a double date.

She'll be back by 10:30.

Okay.

As long as it's a double date,
let's tell her she can go out.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Van!

Ed what?

He can't double with us?

Oh, so it would
just be you and me.

♪

Hi, Van.

My, you look
handsome this evening.

Before we leave, perhaps
you'd care to join me

in a glass of Harvey's
Bristol Cream...

soda.

[laughing]

Gee, Lila, you look real nice!

Thanks, Douglas,
wanna ask me a favor?

Just some information.

In case Van gives
you a kiss goodnight,

could you tell me if he
keeps his eyes open or shut?

What do you wanna know that for?

Research.

Well, what if I have my
eyes shut, and I can't tell?

Love stinks!

Hey, right back at ya, pal!

Mind if I come in?

Oh, sure.

Charles, thanks
for what you did.

Anytime.

Charles, do you think my
parents gave me permission

because it's a double date
or because they trust me?

I think a little of both.

Well, I have to
know percentages.

Is it 75 percent trust
and 25 percent double date?

Or 25 percent trust
and 75 percent double date?

I'd say a hundred percent that
you have something to tell me.

Ed canceled.

It's only half of
a double date now.

Any way you can
find another couple?

It's too late for
any of my friends.

What about you?

I don't think you and Van
and Louie's Boom Boom Room

is exactly what your
parents have in mind.

Charles, Buddy's here.

Okay, I'll be down in a minute!

What are you gonna do?

I guess I have no choice.

I just won't tell my parents.

No, Lila, you have
to tell your parents.

Well, what good would it do?

We'd just argue and
we'd all be miserable.

Miserable, yes, but
with a clean conscience!

Now, isn't that better
than sneaking off with Van

and being racked with
guilt all evening?

Uh-uh.

If you don't tell your
parents, I'll have to.

You wouldn't do that, would you?

Oh, very fast.

Unless you do.

Charles, come on, the
night is ticking away,

and we're only young once!

What's the right thing to do?

Tell my folks that the
double date's been cancelled.

Good answer.

But you're only young once.

♪

Jill, it's 11:15.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I knew it.

Dammit!

She's just a little late.

She's 45 minutes late.

If anything has happened
to her, I'll k*ll everybody.

Well, there's no point
in blaming yourself.

From now on, when I make
a decision, that's it.

I'm calling the police.

Stan, give her ten more minutes.

I'm gonna give her
ten more minutes.

Oh, thank goodness!

-Hi!
-Hi.

Well, you're home early.

Was it a bad party?

No, a great party,

until it was raided.

By the police!

By the bride!

She found out where it was.

I think there's gonna
be one more bachelor

than there's supposed
to be on Sunday.

What's wrong?

Lila's not home yet.

What do you mean
she's not home yet?

Oh, you mean you
let her go anyway.

What do you mean "anyway"?

Well, I mean, she--

You don't know what I mean?

What's going on?

Oh, why aren't you two asleep?

Could you sleep with a flashbulb
popping off in your face

every five seconds?

He was making out
with his pillow!

[yelling]

Where's Lila?

She'll be home
any minute, Jason,

so there's nothing
for you to worry about.

Go on to bed.

Same old story.

When the going gets good,
Jason has to get going.

Ed cancelled his end
of the double date.

Lila's out with Van alone.

She told you that.

She didn't tell us that,
you should've told us that.

No, I couldn't tell you that.

If I didn't let Lila tell you,

she never would've
trusted me again.

So, you decided to
betray our trust?

No, no, I decided to
show some faith in Lila.

That was the right thing to do!

No, that was the wrong
thing to do, Charles,

because Lila's a child.

If she wasn't, we
wouldn't need you.

But you didn't need me,
because Lila told you!

But she didn't tell you.

I'm in a very bad position here.

Let's see, I went
up to her room,

I said, "Tell your parents."

She said, "I'll
tell my parents."

I left, and she told you.

She told you!

She came downstairs and
said it wasn't a double date,

it's a single date!

And your first instinct
was not to let her go,

but then you realized, if
she was trustworthy enough

to tell you the truth,

then she'd be trustworthy
enough to be on the date,

and you let her go
and that's what happened.

Please tell me
that's what happened?

No.

Stan, take it easy.

Charles was just giving Lila
the benefit of the doubt.

Charles, how could
you not have told us?

You pay me to help you
raise Lila to the point

where she can be trusted.

Now, how can I lower her

by never giving her the
chance to be trusted?

We have raised
Lila for 14 years.

You've been here
for eight months.

You're in no position
to lecture me on trust.

I was just trying to give
her a chance to grow up.

I'll decide when she's
grown up enough to grow up.

Well, you think she's a child!

Exactly right!

She's a growing up child,
and that's a dangerous breed.

Then why make it more dangerous

by showing her that
you don't trust her?

Because I'm too busy
loving her to trust her.

And no matter what
your opinion is,

my opinion is you're wrong.

You were wrong because
Lila's not here.

Charles, we worry about
the children every minute

that they're not
tucked into their beds.

You don't understand this
'cause you're not a parent.

We just love the
children so much.

I love your children, too.

-Lila!
-Lila.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

-Charles?
-Hello.

We were worried sick!

Lila Beth, you have a
lot of explaining to do.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Boy, you were right about Van.

He's a jerk.

His band only knows one song.

"Kiss Me, You Slimy Crud."

They played it over and over
and over again--five hours!

Then finally, he took me home
and dropped me off a block away.

Did he happen to
kiss you goodnight?

Boys, you're
supposed to be in bed!

I refuse to go to bed ever again

if Charles gets
yelled at anymore.

Bed!

Why did Charles get yelled at?

For trusting you!

Charles?

[door slamming]

You are grounded
for three weeks.

No television, no stereo.

Your life is school, homework,
eating, and sleeping.

If you have any free time,
I suggest you spend it

figuring out why
you were grounded.

And don't bake her any cookies.

♪

[knocking]

Charles, are you sleeping?

Not tonight.

Then I'm coming in.

I'm in.

Charles, this is bad.

Will you please look at me?

Please don't look
at me like that.

Charles, I can't live
in this house anymore.

Oh, come on, Lila.

Grounded for three weeks.

I heard through the door.

It'll go fast.

I don't care about
the three weeks.

I care that you
don't trust me anymore.

It's not that I don't
trust you anymore!

Do you?

No.

I'm sorry, Charles.

I'm really sorry.

I know I've said that
about other things,

but maybe I wasn't sorry then

because I've never
felt this lousy

about whatever I was
supposed to be sorry about.

You hurt, in one night,

what it took all the time
we've known each other

to build up.

I know you're sorry,

and believe me, I wanna tell you
that everything is okay, Lila,

but I can't.

My parents punished
me for three weeks.

How long are you
gonna punish me?

Lila, your parents did
not want to punish you.

The first thing they did
when you walked in the door

was hug you.

That's what they wanted to do.

That's what I wanna do!

I don't wanna feel like this!

I hate this!

But it's gonna take some time.

Charles?

Lila.

Can I hug you?

Please.

♪

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪