01x22 - Meet Grandpa

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I say ♪

♪ I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I say ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪

I wish Jason would hurry
home from the hospital.

I've got to go out
and find a summer job.

Lila, you should be
here for your brother.

He just had knee
surgery Wednesday

and he's coming home today.

I'll tell you something,
that boy is a miracle

of modern medicine.

I thought Gonzo
on Trapper John

was a miracle
of modern medicine.

Anyway, I've been looking
non-stop for two weeks.

These summer jobs are
absolutely impossible to find.

Well, you're just gonna have
to go knock on doors, Lila.

A job is not gonna come
looking for you, you know?

[knocking]

Charles, I got us
jobs for the summer!

Then again, when
opportunity knocks.

Do you remember
that motel in Pennsylvania

I told you about?

Yeah, the one on the lake
that hires college kids?

Yeah, that's right, look,

they've accepted
our applications

and they've assigned us
to the boat house.

The boat house?

You mean an entire summer
of tying life vests

around beautiful
women in bikinis?

Yes, and they're
gonna pay us for it!

Yay!

You're gonna be gone
all summer, Charles?

Yeah, Lila, you knew
I was getting a summer job.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, I'm gonna miss you, too.

But, come on, it's not like
we're leaving tomorrow.

When are we leaving?

Tonight.

Tonight?

We weren't supposed
to leave for two weeks!

Not if we wanna be
assigned to the boat house.

I'll know for sure
this afternoon.

It's between us
and two other guys,

but I think it looks good.

What makes you say that?

My uncle owns the place.

But, Charles,
if you leave tomorrow,

everything'll be ruined.

I mean, who's gonna help
me find a summer job?

Who's gonna help--

You know those
two redheaded adults

that live here?

I know my parents will help,
but it's not the same.

I can't talk to them
about...stuff.

I don't want you
to go, Charles.

Is there any way
I could talk you out of it?

I don't think so.

Then, can I have your stereo?

[making fanfare noises]

Hey, handsome, he's home!

Jason Pembroke!

The king lives!

Long live the king.

Okay, careful, now.

Oh, it's so good to be home.

I thought I'd never
see this house again.

It's still early, don't push it.

Let's see what you got!

Well, see, they
gave me this to--

Put flowers in.

And Gwendolyn gave me this.

Yes, that's for being
the bravest little boy

in the hospital.

You were the best nurse.

Jase, I wasn't a nurse.

It doesn't matter,
you were there every day.

You saved my life.

It really was so sweet
of you to visit him every day

in the hospital.

Mom, quick, is it time yet?

Honey, I know you got
hooked in the hospital,

but I do not want you
watching those soap operas

every afternoon.

All right, but just let me watch
The Young and the Restless.

It's terrible,
Brent's back on the bottle

and he told Ashley that John
isn't really her father,

he is!

[gasping]

Do you see what happens
when you don't watch

for six months?

You miss something!

Wait a minute, John
is not her real father?

I don't believe this.

Hey, Dad, it came
as a shock to everyone.

I'll go get the TV.

Fill me in later,
I don't want to be late

for my job interview.

Which job are you going on now?

Salesperson at my
favorite boutique, Hot Rags.

Oh, that makes sense,
you spend enough time there.

Yeah, and if I
work really hard,

I should be able
to get most of my things

out of layaway.

-Bye!
-Bye!

Good luck.

Listen, Jase, now that you're
all comfy and settled in,

I think I'm gonna go too.

Don't leave me here.

Stay by my side.

Without you, I'm nothing.

You have been watching
a lot of soap operas lately.

Okay, Jason, where
do you want this?

How about off
to the side, honey,

until Jason does
some of his therapy?

Good idea.

But it's--

No buts, doctor's orders.

Ooh, she's tough.

I know, and it makes me crazy.

Listen, Jason, why don't
we show everybody how well

you can bend your knee
with the ankle weight on?

Okay, but be gentle.

I will.

Now, we'll start out real slow

and then we'll build up
to something heavier.

Sounds good to me.

Don't look now, but I think
he's already into heavier.

Uh, Charles?

Why don't you take
the day shift,

I'll take the night shift?

That way Jill doesn't
have to do it at all.

Wait a minute,
wait, I can do it.

Honey, you remember
what Dr. Easton said.

It's gonna be a little
painful for Jason at first

and, well, how shall I say this
without hurting your feelings?

You're a softie.

Softie?

God.

Jason, I know this
isn't gonna be easy,

but together, we can do it.

Okay, together,
we're gonna be strong.

Now, let's show them
what we're made of, okay?

I want you to straighten
your leg and lift that weight,

come on.

Okay, sweetie,
that's enough for today.

That's good.

Jill?

All right, I'm a softie.

It's all right, Mrs. Pembroke,
Jason needs softies, too.

She's so nice
and beautiful

and her hair's so shiny.

It's probably
the jojoba she uses.

Okay, how about some lunch?

I'm gonna make your favorite,

peanut butter and jelly.

Oh, Mom, that's
a child's lunch.

I'll have a Manwich.

Did you hear that?

My baby wants a Manwich.

Thataboy, soldier.

Jase, why don't we show Charles

how well you can climb
the stairs, huh?

Now, Charles,
he's supposed to do this

a few times every day.

Okay.

That's it.

I'm getting weak, Gwendolyn.

Will you carry me?

Now, we want that knee
to get better, don't we?

Butt out, Charles.

Okay.

How's that?

Oh, terrific.

Good, then we can call it a day?

You can carry me
back to the couch.

Sure!

Would you think I was being
too corny if I told you

how beautiful your eyes are?

No, I hear it all the time.

Okay, Jason Pembroke,
I want you to promise me

that you're gonna hang in there

and you're gonna
be a fighter, okay?

Oh, I intend to,
I'm not gonna give up.

Good, that's my man.

You hear that, Charles?

I'm her man.

Yeah.

Goodbye, sweetheart,
I'll see you later.

-Bye, Charles.
-See ya later.

What a woman,
she gives me a temperature.

You're getting delirious.

Okay, pupsie-doodle,
this ought to make you

feel better.

Thanks, Mom.

It's coming!

It's coming and there's
absolutely nothing

we can do to stop it, is there?

Aw, Douglas, you're not
on that k*ller bee kick

again are you?

Worse, summer camp.

Parents all over the world
are sewing name tags

on their kids'
underwear as we speak.

Well, I'm sorry,
I want no part of this.

Wait, wait a minute, Douglas,
I thought you wanted your mother

and I to send you
to summer camp?

You did, it's one of the things
you asked for at Christmas.

Sure, that was in December.

Summer camp sounds good
to a kid in December.

But it's almost summer now.

Please don't make me go.

I won't fit in with
the other kids there.

You don't fit in
with the kids here.

That's true,
but here I don't fit in

with people I know.

There, I won't fit in
with complete strangers.

That's much worse.

Oh, honey, think of all
the fun you're gonna have.

You get to spend
a lot of time outdoors.

I'm terrible outdoors.

I don't tan, I splotch.

You get to make a lot
of neat things in arts

and crafts.

You want a wallet?

I'll buy you a wallet.

Douglas, parents love
when you make them stuff.

You know, I once made
a mosaic of Lincoln

completely out of macaroni
and no matter where you stood

in the room, Lincoln
was always watching you.

Here, Douglas, you dad
and I got these brochures today.

Why don't you look 'em over
while we fix you lunch?

Charles, will you
get me some water?

You're going to use
that squeaky little voice

every time you want
something, aren't you?

Just checking.

All right, one water coming up.

"Camp Timberwood,
an adventure camp

that specializes
in survival training

for boys 7-15."

What's survival training?

They teach you
the basics you need to live.

For me, that's
remembering my lunch money

and being able to change
for gym without ever having

to get totally naked.

Why do they all
have Indian names?

Hey, check this one out!

"Camp Minnehaha, located
on lovely Bass Lake,

is designed to suit
the needs of girls age 6-15."

And boys age 12.

Douglas, it's a girls' camp.

Besides, I thought you
didn't want to go to camp.

I do now.

Look at those Indian maidens.

You think they'll
be back this year?

They have to,
they're on the cover.

Otherwise, that's
false advertising.

Right, they have to.

Now, I have to find
a boys' camp nearby.

Here's a boys' camp
on Bass Lake.

It's got an Indian name, too.

Camp Wannaloseapound.

"Camp Wannaloseapound
is a special camp

for boys with a weight problem.

Our programs are designed
for fun and fitness--"

Forget it, Douglas.

It's a fat farm,
you'll never get in.

Face it, you're not even chunky.

I'm not chunky yet,
but look at those girls

and look how close
Camp Wannaloseapound is.

There's not much time,
I gotta work fast.

Charles!

Yes, Jason?

Charles, may I please
have some dessert?

You finish your lunch?

Not yet, but I will.

Okay, I'll get you
some chocolate cake.

Charles?

Yes, Jason?

I have to use
your bathroom.

Okie-doke.

But you have to use
your crutches, okay?

All right, I'll help you.

Want me to out your robe on?

Yes, please.

Okay.

Sorry, it doesn't fit.

[chuckling]

I'm a fun guy, aren't I Jason?

Come on, here we go.

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

All right, I'll get it!

[doorbell rings]

I'm coming, coming!

Hi, can I help you?

Come on!

Come on, I ain't
budging till I get one.

Come on!

Thataboy!

All right, now
plant one right here.

Excuse me--

Come on, right there.

You don't remember me, do ya?

Should I?

Hey, come on, kid,
I knew you when you

wore rubber pants.

I beg your pardon?

"I beg your pardon?"

Hey, you big...Douglas,
it's me, Grandpa!

Oh, oh, boy, I'm sorry.

I'm not Douglas.

You're not Douglas?

What'd you kiss me for?

What's the matter with you?

Holy cow, am I in
the wrong house?

What'd you kiss me for?

Jill?

Jilly bean?

No, it can't be.

You heard him, "Jilly bean?"

Stan.

Dad.

Hey, baby!

[chuckling]

Hi, Harry.

Oh, you stayed with him, eh?

Who's this guy?

He kissed me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dad, this is Charles.

When did you have him?

No, no, I work for
Mr. and Mrs. Pembroke.

Doing what, kissing people?

No, Charles helps
with the children

and helps out around the house.

You're kidding, you're a maid?

Here, hang this up.

Oh, and as long as you're here,

here's a little
something for ya.

He's gonna spoil me.

All right, what is this
with the long face?

You know, it's been a long time.

You don't look like
you're too happy to see me.

Oh, yes, happy, uh-huh.

We're surprised,
this is surprise on our faces.

You know, I finished my job
on the Alaskan pipeline,

I'm thinking about retiring.

Got kinda lonely.

You're the only ones I got.

I didn't know where else to go.

Go...go as in stay?

You're always
appearing unexpectedly

and then,
you leave the same way.

Well you know me, here today--

Gone tomorrow?

No, no, no, maybe not this time.

I'll get the children.

Oh, good, good.

Hey, I've never met Jason.

The only way I know him is by
talking to him on the telephone.

Grandpa?

I know that voice!

Jason!

Hiya...hey,
what happened to you?

Oh, just a minor soccer injury.

But I'll be playing
again in a week.

Hey, that's the spirit.

All right, now where's
that big brother of yours?

Charles, we got
the jobs all summer long

and we leave tonight.

Come on!

I ain't budging till I get one.

Aw!

♪

Douglas!

Uh, excuse me,
but I'm not Douglas.

Then what are you
hugging me for?

I don't understand all
the hugging that goes on

around here.

You know, up on the pipeline,
if a guy hugged another guy

and they weren't related,
he'd end up as a part

of the tundra,
if you get my meaning.

Well, you don't have
to worry about me.

I'm not the tundra kinda guy.

Charles, the bus leaves at six.

I'll be back
to pick you up, see ya.

Tonight, you're
leaving tonight, Charles?

I'm sorry, Jason,
I didn't know myself.

There's been
a sudden change in plans.

It's a good thing I came back
from the hospital when I did.

Otherwise you would've left
without even saying goodbye.

Jason.

Hey, is that--

Hey!

How are ya?

How ya been?

More hugging.

Who the hell are you?

Grandpa, it's me, Douglas.

Dougie, how are ya?

Fine, Grandpa, did you
bring me any candy?

Is that all you remember your
grandpa for, bringing candy?

I also remember your harmonica,

but right now,
I need the calories.

Gee, I wonder how
that got in there?

Douglas, you're gonna
spoil your appetite.

This has nothing to do
with my appetite.

I'm eating for a cause.

What cause?

All my life, I've been
just another skinny kid.

I want a new look.

I've gotta have bulk.

I wanna be Douglas, the Large.

Think I've been away too long.

Think the prescription
should be a large dose

of old Grandpa
around for a while.

Do you have to go, Charles?

Well, it's a good
opportunity for me, Jason.

And lots of fun.

More fun than me?

No, you know that's impossible.

If you're gonna
be gone all summer,

what am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to go
to soccer camp, remember?

Don't you want to keep
that extra edge over

the competition
at school next year?

Who are you kidding?

You know what they do
to horses with a knee like mine?

You're a little too young
to be put out to stud.

They're gonna
make glue out of me.

You're crazy.

Then they'll make
crazy glue out of me.

Who's gonna take care of me?

Jason, with me or without me,
your knee is going to heal.

And you'll be bouncing
soccer ba*ls off of it

into the other team's goals
and be the star of soccer camp.

You promise?

I promise I believe it.

You think Gwendolyn will
be around to help heal me?

I think Gwendolyn is visiting
her family for the summer.

Oh, great, you're going away,
Gwendolyn's going home,

which leaves me
stuck in the house

with my skinny,
fat lunatic brother.

And who might Gwendolyn be?

She's my nurse.

Jason, you shouldn't
depend on Gwendolyn Pierce

to make you well.

Only Jason Pembroke
can do that now.

Oh, I don't know
about that, Charlie.

You know, this reminds me
of my bout with Panamanian

turtle fever when I was down
there building the canal.

Panamanian turtle fever?

What happened to you, Grandpa?

All I remember is the cold
compresses being placed

on my fevered brow
by my devoted nurse,

Rosita Chiquita.

Rosita Chiquita?

You heard me.

And I am sure it
was her loving touch

that gave me the will to live.

Gwendolyn gives me
a will to live.

Then go for it, kid.

Uh, Jason's only

You know what I was doing
when I was 10 years old?

I watched my father
selling apples

on the street because
of the Great Depression

and it was then that I knew
at that moment that you don't

get anything
for free in this world.

You want it,
you gotta work for it.

I agree.

Gwendolyn Pierce is mine.

I don't think it's realistic
for you to believe that you

and Gwendolyn can be
boyfriend and girlfriend.

Too tall?

Charlie, let the kid
spread his wings.

Let him fly a little.

That's the way
I lived my whole life.

Well, if you don't nail
your feet down at all,

you never get
to know your family.

Sorry, I shouldn't
have said that.

Family's important, huh?

Yeah, but I was
wrong to say it.

Well, it took guts.

Guts is good, family is good,
and don't argue with an old man

who has turtle fever.

I'll get you a cold compress
and we'll talk about it.

Charlie...

listen, son, you've got
some good answers,

but you're a small town boy
in a small town life

and you're very unhappy.

Mr. Gardiner, my small town
life makes me happy enough.

You ever made love to
a Finlandian ice maiden

while the nights
are six months long?

No.

Then kid, you do not
know from happy.

He may have a point.

♪

Charles, if I'm gonna have
a chance with Gwendolyn,

I'm gonna need to look
my best, don't you think?

Jason, I happen to know
that the girls in your class

are crazy about you.

Four of them came
to visit you in the hospital.

Why are you interested
in an old bat like Gwendolyn?

You're just jealous
because Gwendolyn's

attracted to a younger man.

Jason, you're 10
years old, she's 20.

She's twice as old as you are!

When you're 20 she'll be 40.

When you're 40,
she's gonna be 80.

Wait a minute, she's only

Well, it took you long enough.

I still think you're
a little too young

for her, though.

Charles, you heard
what Grandpa said.

I should take my chances
or I'll have a Great Depression.

Your grandfather is
a fascinating man

who tells great stories.

Now, I want you to level
with your old pal Charles here.

What kind of chance do you
really think you have

with Gwendolyn Pierce, huh?

She's mine.

♪

Honey, you're not
going to fat camp.

But I'll never get
to attract any girls.

There are other ways
to attract girls

besides being fat.

All right, here's my theory:

Douglas Pembroke is
an average-looking man

among men in the real world,
but in the world of portly,

Douglas Pembroke is king.

Look at all these girls
at the camp next door.

All for me!

Sorry, Douglas, it says here
Camp Wannaloseapound guarantees

a weight reduction of 20 pounds.

At that rate, they'd have
to mail you home in a shoebox.

You know, Dougie,
a young buck like you

should be white water
rafting this summer,

going down to--

-Dad.
-Harry.

About your ideas, I--

I got it, I got
the job at Hot Rags.

I'm gonna be
a sales girl for the summer.

-Lila.
-Grandpa!

Now, this is a hug
I can live with!

It's been so long,
where have you been?

Oh, honey, I've been everywhere.

So, you missed
your old grandpa, huh?

Yeah, the last time I saw you
was when I fell off my bike

and scraped my arm
and the best thing

about it was how you
didn't tell me not to cry,

but you told me to cry louder
and we both started crying

until I started laughing.

Look, I still have
the scar on my arm.

You do?

Well, lemme see that.

Where is that?

[blows raspberry]

What was it you were
saying about my ideas?

[all stammering]

[doorbell rings]

-Hi, Mrs. Pembroke!
-Buddy, Gwendolyn.

Gwendolyn?

Oh, I'm sorry,
this is my father.

Harry Gardner,
Gwendolyn Pierce.

Come on!

Gwendolyn is not
related to any of us.

I care?

Come on!

Excuse me?

Everybody hugs but this one.

Gwendolyn, your reputation
follows you everywhere.

I assume you've come
to see my grandson?

Hi, Gwendolyn.

Hi, Jason.

Uh, no, actually, sir,
I'm here to say goodbye

and take Charles to the bus.

Oh.

Well, that'll give us a chance
to say goodbye to you guys.

Yeah.

I'm going back
home for the summer

and I'm gonna miss you guys.

Come on, don't worry about her.

You're gonna be
a big soccer star

when you get back from camp.

You'll be beating off
those soccer groupies

with a stick.

Charles, I hate
to be the bad guy,

but we do have
a bus to catch.

-Boo!
-Boo!

Charles, you understand
what I'm telling you?

Thank you, sir,
I'm gonna miss you too.

Did you pack sweaters?

You know, it gets cold
on a lake at night.

I'm gonna miss
you too, Mrs. Pembroke.

Charles, we're both
gonna spend a summer

chasing girls around a lake.

Next year, you can tell me
what to do if I catch one.

Looking forward
to it, Douglas.

-Charles.
-Lila?

This is a big year
coming up for me, you know?

I start high school
and I'm growing up

and everything,
so get lots of rest.

I wouldn't miss you
growing up for the world.

Oh, Charlie, what do you
know about the world?

You haven't even
been to Finland.

-Dad.
-Harry.

All right.

Could everyone
turn around, please?

Come on!

♪

♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I say ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ And I say ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪