02x01 - Amityville

[bunniefuu]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family. ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing,
I want Charles in charge
of me. ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in Charge
of me ♪♪

[instrumental version
of theme music ♪]

I'm back!

I'm back from hiking
in Great Gorge

where the mountain was great
and the girls were gorge!

Lila!
How much did you miss me?

Oh, not a whole heck
of a lot, actually.

Ah, who are you?

Lila?
You've shrunk.

And your head is different.

See, this is why doctors
warn us to stay out of the sun.

Right.

Oh, I'll just...

Mom, there's a stranger
at the door.

And I do mean strange.

What do you mean, "Mom?"
- Hey, Charles.
- What?

Here's the rest
of your camping stuff.
- Thanks.

Knapsack, climbing rope,
fake sympathy cast...
- Thanks.

You know, I think
I'll wear mine
a couple more days.

You do recognize
this place, right, Buddy?

Of course.
This house is a shrine.

This is where I first laid eyes
and you first laid hands
on Gwendolyn Pierce.

Something's not right.

We've only been gone two weeks.

What can not be not right
in two weeks?

Jason!
All right!

Waiting for your old pal Charles
to get back.

So, he can tell you
about his mountain
climbing adventures, huh?

[both]
Who the heck are you?

Buddy!
- Hey, Mrs. Pembroke.

What happened to your leg?

Oh nothing.
It's fine.

It-it's a clip on.

There was a lotta competition
at the campsite.

So I wanted to wear something
to help get me noticed.

You know,
give me the edge
over the opposite sex.

I had something like that
when I was your age.

Plaster cast?
- Mmm.

Padded bra.

Mrs. Pembroke!

But...

when I realized
I was better off being liked
by someone who liked me

for what I had to offer,

I threw it away.

Mrs. Pembroke,
what would we do
without ya?

Buddy, where's Charles?

He's in his room.

Unpacking?
I think so, why?

I need to talk to him
about something very important.

Don't tell me nothing can happen
in two weeks, Buddy!

The wrong people
are in this house
and I think it's us!

Charles,
what are you talking about?

I just saw Mrs. Pembroke.
She's in the kitchen.
She wants to talk--

No, no, no, Buddy.
You'd only think
you saw Mrs. Pembroke.

But if you saw her
from the front

then you'd realize
it really wasn't her
in the front!

Oh, she told you
her padded bra story, too.

Whoa, am I glad to see you.

Do you know
that you have little people

that I don't recognize,
taking over this house?

They're in the living room.

Their clothes don't fit me--

Do I know you?
[Charles screams]

Charles?

Oh, Charles!
- Yes.

Charles!
- Hey, don't Charles me,

you grinning
little martian shape changer!

What'd you do
with the Pembrokes?

It's mountain climbing,
high altitudes, thin air.

Breathe, Charles.

You're back!

Oh, God.
- So, this is the Charles
we've heard so much about.

Have you heard
he thinks my room
is his room?

Your room is his room.
- What?

Have you heard
he called me a Shrunken Lila?

Lila's the same size
at our new house in Seattle.

What?
- Adam, your room is upstairs.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, uh,

"New house in Seattle"
is where I seem to be stuck
in time...

We have to talk
about something.
- All right.

I'm Charles.

Not anymore.

Charles, there was no way
to get hold of you.

You were on some mountain.

An old man answered.
- Oh, yeah, Crazy Felix.

Well, he said
he couldn't reach the climbers.

I told him
I had important news
about your life.

He said he had important news
about my wife.

I told him,
"I don't have a wife."

He said,
"Well, that must be the news!"

You won't believe
what's gone on here
in the last few days.

There's absolutely no way
for me to say this simply.

My dad got transferred.
We're moving to Seattle.

We've sublet the house
to the Powells.

They're a lovely family.

We tried to reach you, Charl--
- No, I-I know.

It's all right.
No.

I'm just coming by surprise.
That's all.

I mean, finding this out
right on top of finding out
I don't have a wife.

It won't take me long
to put the rest of my things
back in my suitcase.

You don't have to.
- Why not?

We sublet you, too.

Charles.

We wouldn't have considered
the Powells unless they needed
you the same way we did.

Well, is there a Mr. Powell?

Mr. Powell is Commander Powell.
United States Navy.

And he's stationed
in the South Seas.

Come on, Jason.
Let's finish packing.

Well, Charles, let's look
at the bright side.

We're sophomores
and sophomores don't necessarily
have to live in the dorm.

We could take
an off-campus apartment.

An apartment?

Sure!
Nothing fancy.

Refrigerator.

Hot tub.

Masseuse.

Sold!
- Really?
- Yeah.

I can't think
of one good reason why not.

Pardon me.
Did I leave my book in here?
- Yeah, is this it?

Yes, thank you.
- Oh, "Little Women."

Autobiography, huh?

"Little Women"
by Louisa May Alcott
is a classic!

Well, if it's a classic,
I've read the Cliff Notes.

So long, Charles.
I'm off to interview a masseuse.
- All right.

I was supposed
to help Jason pick out
a summer school reading list.

And I was gonna help him
with "The Red Badge of Courage."

I've read that,
but not for school.

What?
Voluntarily?

It's a good book.

Yeah, I know.
I read it.

But I was forced
by my teacher Mrs. Mussolini.

What else do you like?

Poetry.

Really?
You have a favorite?

Elizabeth Barrett Browning,
because she was romantic.

Oh.
- And me.

You write poetry?

Yes.
- Well, can I hear one?

Look.
My book.

This hand.
Understand?

Hang loose, Dr. Seuss.

Sarah, you are so lucky
to have me as a sister

I should send you a bill!

Who's the babe?

Charles.

The Charles?

The Charles
who's gonna help us grow up

and make us eat our vegetables,
Charles?

I could like this joint.

Anyway,
I'm out scouting male specimens

and who do you think I run into?

Alexander Morgan...

who just happens to be
the most popular guy in town.

Guess what?
He's got a brother.

You're gonna meet him.

You and I are having
a soda with the Morgan boys
this very afternoon.

So, comb your hair

and burn that book!

I don't eat squash.

Right back at you.

That's my sister, Jamie.

You like her better than me,
don't you?!

Hey, Mom.

This Charles guy,
can we keep him, huh?
Can we?

Jamie, he's not a dog.

That's what I'm trying
to tell you!

Are you sure
you have everything, Jason?

Have you checked the drawers?


Under the bed?
- 79 times.

No, I don't like her
better than you.

I hardly know her,

and I know you less hardly!

Not for long.
Jamie knows how to get popular.

What's going on--
- Nothing, Mrs. Powell.
I'm not involved.

I do not get involved
in this sort of thing anymore.

Well, you know,
maybe Jamie's just trying
to get you popular, too.

I'm not ready.

What?
To have a soda with a guy?

To start being popular.

You checked your closet?

Oh, no!

Is it possible
I've only checked my closet

You get popular too fast,
you know what happens?

You burn out?
- Oh.

- I peak now and soon,
I'm a junior high school
has been.

I want to endure
like Louisa May Alcott
and Elizabeth Barrett Browning

who are both still popular!

Yeah, and both still dead.

And not going out
for soda either!

Mom, Charles thinks
it's important to my life
that I meet boys--

No, no.
I-- People.
I said people.

I think she's new in this town

and it's very important
that she should go out
and meet some new people,

and now is a perfect chance.

Well, what's wrong
with that, Sarah?

Hey, Jason!

Buddy!
Wanna trade lives?

I don't know how to meet people
I don't know.

Well, there's nothing to it.

And those are the only kind
of people you can meet!

Teach me.

Well, you know, first of all--

He-hey.
No!

No way!
No chance!

I'm not getting involved
in your life.

This is my absolute new policy
not to get involved
in any more kid lives!

That's a wise decision, Charles,
because this is our year.

I found us an apartment.

It's occupied
by two senior girls
who are leaving

and are willing
to recommend us as new tenants
providing they like us.

Well, how will they know that?

When we meet them.
- And when is that?

Now!
Pizza at Sid's!
- What do you mean now, Buddy?

Come on, I wanna drive
the Pembrokes to the airport.

Oh, thank you, Charles,
but we'll be fine, really.

We called a cab.

Well, I'll drive the cab.

There's a car pulling up.

Mrs. Pembroke--
- Charles.

Oh we'll miss you terribly,
Charles.

And you too, Buddy.

Oh, let me help you with these.

Goodbye, Jill!
Bye, Jason.

[♪♪]

How am I gonna grow up
without you?

Hey, Charles.
Let's not lose this apartment.

Let's meet these women.
Let's meet our new lives!

Right.

Well, it's very nice to have m--
- You're going somewhere
to meet new people?

Uh-huh.
- Girls?

- Yeah.
- Charles--

You'll probably try
to be impressive, huh?

Right again.
- Charles.
- Do you mind if I come watch?

h*!

Hold it!

No, Charles!

That's over now, Charles!

Some children are just
gonna have to reach adulthood
without your influence.

I know that's startling
but there it is.

Your new life is out
that door and if you know
what's good for you,

you'll follow me through it.

It was very nice
not to have met you.

Charles, you can have
your old room back.

It's ready and waiting for you.

Charles--
- Charles,

you have my permission
to take Sarah with you

as long as
she's back before dinner.

Charles does not have
my permission to bring Sarah.

What can Charles teach Sarah
about meeting people
that I can't?

'Cause when I'm through
with Sarah,

she's gonna be exactly like me.

Save me.

Charles, I smell involvement.

Involvement permeates
this house like a skunk.

It's Amityville here.

Leave this house
before it kills you.

[growling]
Get out!

I'm sorry.

[♪♪]
[door closes]

He left without me.

He's allowed, Sarah.

He has no obligation to us.

Didn't I ask him nicely?

Of course you did.

Then what's wrong with him?

Well, I think maybe
after all the glowing reports
we'd heard from the Pembrokes,

we expected something more
than just a regular nice guy.

Well, I think
even just a regular nice guy
would've let me come with him.

Take a 13-year-old
tagging along on a date?

I don't think so.

Look, Mom,

I've got this twisted sister
who's got me tangled up

in one of her
"I Love Lucy" schemes,

and I don't know
how to meet new people,

and I'm going to make a fool
out of myself in front of boys,

and why does this happen
if I'm such a good student?

Because this isn't school,
honey.

This is life.

Then what's school supposed
to prepare you for?

College.

Well, if Mr. Charles Collegeman
is as good at life
as the Pembrokes say,

then I don't think
he should've left me here
to fail it!

[Buddy] No, Charles!
Charles, don't!

[Buddy]
Ah, Charles.
Geez!

Okay.
So, the jury's still
out on him.

[man] And just-just where
in the wide world

do you two think
you're shanghaiing
my little granddaughter?

It's okay, Dad.

This is the nice young man
the Pembrokes have told us
so much about.

Oh yeah?
- My father-in-law.
Walter Powell.

United States Navy.

Retired.

So, you're the famous Charles,
huh?

Famous?
- A-a-are you kidding?

The Pembrokes went on
about you like, uh, well,

like you were Admiral Rickover!

Who?

Friend of yours?
- Uh, yeah.

This is Buddy Lembeck.

And, how is it,
Mr. Lomcrock,

that you're not acquainted
with the infrastructure
of the military?

Look, it's all I can do
to meet women.

Well, I think
it's shameful, shameful

that the young people
of today

have no sense
of our armed forces.

I wouldn't say I have no sense--

Give me the name
of one hard-fought victory.

Mary Louise Krinsky.

w*r is hell, isn't it?

That's it.

I will not allow
my granddaughter
in the company

of these
two college deferments.

Uh, sir, Sarah was not drafted
to go on this mission.

She enlisted.

Now, it will be our pleasure

to show her around
her new town a little bit

and maybe buy her
a piece of pizza.

Young man, I am quite capable
of taking my granddaughter out
myself.

Plus,
I'm not quite sure
you're showing

the proper respect
for your employer.

Well, you're
not my employer, sir.

I'm just doing
a new friend a favor.

Otherwise, I'm not involved.

Ellen?

You heard him.
He's not involved.

[♪♪]

Charles, I'm gonna check
and see if the girls
are here, yet.

- All right.
- Hey, Sid!
- Hey, Buddy!

Charles!
- Sid, I'll make you a deal.

I owe you money, right?
- Right.
- Okay.

Well.

You make us a pizza...

... and I'll owe you more money!

How's that?

Charles!

You'd do that for me?

Awww, Sid.
Don't think of it
as free food for me.

Think of it as an investment
in the next generation
of pizza eaters.

Done.
- Thank you.

But only because
you finally begun
to keep classy company.

Hey, you see that?

How do you plan on acting
with these girls, Charles?

Well, like myself.

See, the most important thing
about meeting new people
is just to be yourself.

Jamie says just being myself
is what keeps me
from being popular.

Well, do you believe that?

No, I think when it comes
to girls meeting boys,

whoever's
the least nervous wins.

How long have you been
so smart?

I don't know,
but up to now,
it's done me no good.

[whispers]
Hey, Charles.

Over here.

What are you gonna say to them?

How do you say hello?

How are you gonna
pace yourself?

Well, you know,
conversation usually
finds its own pace.

[exhales deeply]
Hello.

Hello yourself, gorgeous!

See, how this,
for instance, is going to be
very fast-paced conversation.

Charles?
- Yeah.
- This is Patti.

This is Heidi.
Girls, Charles.
- Hi.

This is my friend, Sarah.
Come on, Sarah.
Sit down.

And how did you manage to make
such a great-looking friend?

I moved.

How are ya?

Okay.

So, it's quite obvious
that this has gone
way beyond the nervous stage.

What did he mean
when he said
I wasn't his employer?

Well, he means he hasn't decided
whether he wants
to be employed or not.

Well, he wouldn't have
any decision to make if uh...

Well, if you'd quit work
and raise your children.

I like working, Dad.

And, besides that,

I think my children
have been raised
very well up to now.

Wouldn't you say?

How do I look?

Wash your face
and burn those clothes.

Well, too much rouge?

Now!

Okay, so she bought one outfit
when I wan't looking.

I understand, Ellen.

I mean, with a husband stationed
in the South Seas, it's...

Well, it's difficult
for one parent to be
on the lookout all the time.

Thank you.

That's exactly why we need
someone like Charles.

You really like
this Charles character,
don't you?

Well, I think Sarah likes him,
and I trust her judgement.

Yes, I think Charles would be
a very good influence here.

Do you mind
if I ask you girls something?

Fire away.

Are you being yourselves?

What do you mean?

I mean, have you always
been like you are?

Loo-- Ever since I was your age.

Not me.

When I was your age,
you know what I was?

Brunette?

Mousy brown!

And I used to wear glasses
and read poetry books.

Can you believe it?

Do you still read poetry?

Limericks sometimes.

Yeah?
Let's hear one.

"There was a young girl
from Decatur..."

Charles?
- Yeah, I'll take you home now.

It is about time!

I don't even know
if the Morgan boys

are still waiting,
even for me!

Let's go!
- I'm not meeting any boys.

What are you talking about?

Just what she said, Jamie.

She's not ready yet
and that's her decision.

Thank you, Michael Landon.

I don't see why you can't wait
until school starts
to meet people.

Mom!

Now, what's going on?

Charles is rubbing off
on her...

... the wrong way!

Just what sort of problem
are you causing, young man?

No problem.
Everything is under control.

Your sister is right, you know.

You don't have
to run to meet boys.
Let them run to meet you.

You're not the boss of me!
You don't work here anymore.

Yes, he does!

[all]
What?

Please?

Charles, the apartment.
It's ours if we want it.

I'm sorry.

I wouldn't have expected
anything less.

Oh, dinner's ready.

And Buddy,
I'll set a place for you.

Hey,
what about Charles?

His place is already set.

What do you mean
his place is set?

You mean you intend
to employ this...

I suppose you know.

This means w*r!

As long as
it doesn't get in the way
of my homework.

Ellen!

It's too bad about today, Sarah.

We might've met
a couple of nice boys.

We did, Jamie.

I knew you'd do this.

I gotta save Sarah
from Jamie, Buddy.

Well, I guess dorm life
isn't so bad.

I gotta save Jamie from Jamie.

You know, those two girls
at the pizzeria

really put everything
into perspective,
didn't they?

Yeah, I just wish
we could have seen more of them.

We will.

Huh?

I made us dates for tonight.
Nine o'clock,
their apartment.

Charles!

Those girls were hot!

I can't save everybody.

[♪♪]

It's okay.
He's asleep.

I really don't think
that we should be doing--
- C'mon.

I wanna see
what we've got here.

He's gonna teach me
how to throw a knuckleball
and to drive a car.

We're gonna read
all the poetry books together!

He's gonna do my math homework.

He's gonna clean my room.

Look at him.
Isn't this great?

We own this guy!

He's got to do
whatever we tell him!

Go to bed.
- Oh!

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing,
I want ♪

♪ I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

[♪♪]