- Luxury.
- Luxury.
- Opulence.
- Opulence.
- Hot people.
- Hot people.
Here on the
Glamazonian Express,
every journey is the height
of extravagance
and wasteful excess.
- Oops.
- Glamazonian
There's more
where that came from.
You can't beat Glamazonian's
five-star service.
I'll take this one.
Smoke
I love my wife and kids,
but Glamazonian helps me
get away once in a while.
Sometimes you just need
a weekend with the boys.
-What's your name?
-Dudes
Don't answer that.
Because
we're not just America's
first transcontinental
b*llet train.
We're your family.
If your family
was a bunch of rich,
successful ladies
in shoulder pads.
-Shoulder pads
- Glamazonian Express.
Travel Glamazoniously.
Look at them.
They're perfect.
Could you imagine us
like that,
traveling the country
in a skirt suit?
Finally in a high-speed line.
No more commuter rail.
Staying in luxury hotels.
Like a ski chalet in Aspen.
Where a couple muscled-up
Swiss twins
walk up to us at the hot tub,
and they're like,
"Maybe we should
take this party upstairs."
Oh, but then we're like,
"Sorry, boys.
We are both married
to men who work in
-commercial real estate."
-Commercial real estate.
But we have consensual kink
positive sex with them anyway.
And get this. We both reach
cl*max at the same exact time
while eyes locked from the twin
beds in our shared room.
Or even separate rooms.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Yeah. Thank you.
-Did you hear about Luann?
-What a loss.
She was the best
cafe car girl out there.
Now boarding train 16
to Six Flags Guantanamo Bay.
Tess and DeeDee.
-Hey, Barb. Checking in.
-Hey, Barb. Checking in.
Oh, busy train today, huh?
She's really getting
in there.
More like no train.
Here.
They're letting us girls go.
Shutting the whole thing down.
What? They can't shut down
a whole train line.
They can
if it's called Stank Rail,
and only stops
in three sad cities.
One of which just got swallowed
up by a mine fire
that's been burning up
for 60 years.
Barb, what are you gonna do?
Girl, I got a few odd jobs
lined up.
You know,
a little light sex work.
Maybe get pregnant.
Maybe I'll sell my hair.
Isn't that the plot
of Les Misrables?
Girl, I got a feeling this lez
is gonna be far from miserable.
- Barbra out.
- Now boarding
train 582
to Pyongyang, North Korea.
I'll miss this.
Fantasizing about where
everyone's traveling to.
Like him.
He could be going anywhere.
Deedles, what happened to us?
I mean, we've been doing this
for what,
like 10 years now.
And I just thought we'd be...
I don't know.
Just, like, something.
Know what this is?
Oh, my God. Is that our yearbook
from Train Hostess Academy?
I always keep it in my carry-on.
Aw, look how young
we were. Well, kind of.
DeeDee, do you remember
when we first met each other
in the showers after that
luggage-lifting seminar?
We promised each other that
we would see the world together.
You know, climb every mountain,
ford every stream.
See the Dakotas,
both Fanning and Johnson.
Oh, visit the world wonders
like the Grand Canyon
and those four g*y guys
stuck on that mountain.
And then we were gonna
give birth together in Tijuana,
you know, just to prove
to everybody
that their healthcare system
isn't really as bad
as everybody says it is.
Oh, we were gonna explore
all the different cultures
and countries
and bathrooms because
of your whole bladder thing.
Glamazonian better find
two replacements soon if those
two girls don't show up.
-Where are they?
-Last time I saw them,
they were
in the ski chalet hot tub.
They're probably still
with those Swiss twins.
Ugh. I hate twins.
If you have sex with one,
you legally have to have sex
with the other
or else you go to jail.
Glamazonian
will take anyone at this point.
Even girls with big gums.
Or worse,
those girls from Stank Rail.
- Don't look at me.
- No.
Okay.
DeeDee, did you hear that?
My doctor says
it's a pressurized urethra.
No, Glamazonian is looking
for two replacements.
Now, that could be us.
Tess, it's over.
It's time to go back to working
at my parents' glue factory.
DeeDee. DeeDee, wait.
DeeDee. No.
Oh, come out of there.
Weren't you just in here?
I really like it in here.
Besides, it's not like I have
anywhere else to go today.
Don't you remember
what you told me
our first day
of Train Hostess Academy?
"I'm only here because
I don't wanna join the army"?
The other thing.
"My favorite spice is pudding"?
The other thing.
"I'm on the run
and nobody knows I'm here"?
The other, other thing.
We were going to see America.
DeeDee, this is our chance.
Look.
DeeDee, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
"If mermaids exist,
shouldn't there be mer-butlers?"
The other thing.
"Are all ghosts naked?"
The other, other thing.
"Do you wanna scissor?"
DeeDee!
Look.
Uh-huh.
Okay. You bring that over there,
and I'll just start
splitting the pants.
This is gonna look
just like their uniforms.
We're gonna look
so Glamazonian.
We are
experiencing further delays
on the Glamazonian Express
because two b*tches
decided to not show up.
Well, they said
there would be replacements.
Where the hell are they?
We're right here.
What are they wearing?
You are always
so critical of other women.
"Look at their ill-fitting
uniforms."
It looks like they were designed
by Edward Scissor-f*ck.
-You know what?
-I didn't mean that.
Girls. Girls.
Barbra.
You work at Glamazonian now?
Looks like
we had the same idea.
You gotta take work
where you can get it, right?
- Thank you.
- Now boarding
couples
that shouldn't be together.
-She's the one who started it.
-I didn't start anything.
Look at my face.
Use your words.
My words are f*ck you!
Oh.
Luxury.
Opulence.
Puke.
As in what's currently
rising up in my esophagus
while I wonder why two sad mole
people are in my first class.
- Mm-hm.
- Oh.
Look, Deedles, it's Amber
from Train Hostess Academy.
Oh, my God, Tess?
It's been a minute, girl.
I didn't recognize you with all
the crow's feet and sun damage.
And DeeDee, you look...
completely different.
- Thank you.
- Let me guess.
- Stroke?
- No. Hi, Alli.
And...
Ash? Ay-ash?
Ai-ush-li... Ash-le-gweh.
I'm not really sure
how to say it.
Uh... Don't worry, you won't.
It's so weird we've never
worked together before.
How long have you two
been Glamazonians?
-Oh, it's our first day.
-Oh, like, like...
-Our whole lives. Entire lives.
-Our entire lives.
Oh, sure.
I remember coach
like it was yesterday.
Oh, wait. No, I don't.
We were put into first class
right after graduation.
Let's just say
we made a good impression.
Oh, you slept your way
to the top.
How dare you?
We barely slept at all.
We were too busy having sex
with powerful railroad people.
-Yeah.
-f*ck!
You see? This is exactly
why we don't talk to you two.
You've always been
so mean to us.
-Rude.
-Alli, Ayshleiygh.
Let's go, girls.
Now boarding
the Glamazonian Express
non-stop to
Celebration, Florida.
Wow. They've gotten so much
nicer since the academy.
Totally.
Oh, my God, DeeDee, look.
Look who's getting
on the train over there.
Cal. The conductor voted
"Number 1 Conductor
We Want to See the d*ck Of"
in Conductors We Want
to See the d*ck Of Magazine.
Yeah,
but why is he walking so slow?
He doesn't even know I exist.
Oh, you should introduce
yourself to him.
-Cal. Cal, hey!
-Tess.
Good morning,
Conductor Davenport.
Oh, morning, Cal.
How's it hanging?
Slightly to the left as usual.
Fantastic.
Good morning, passengers.
This is your Conductor Davenport
speaking.
Welcome aboard
the Glamazonian Express.
Departing sunny Los Angeles,
City of Angels,
and one hell-spawned succubus
named Sharon
who ripped my heart out
and tore me away from my kids.
-We don't need to get into it.
-We have the chicken noodle.
-Unless you guys want to.
-Beef barley.
And my favorite, clam chowder.
Perfect.
I'll take the Denver omelet.
Excuse me, would you mind
helping me with my mother?
-Of course.
-Thank you.
-Just grab the other side.
-Oh.
Although
we started out as friends,
it quickly became apparent
that there was more
to our relationship.
Our love blossomed
and grew during high school.
And we decided,
let's do it for real.
We got married. At first, ours
was a life of bliss and joy.
But then things
started to change.
I developed a drug habit,
and Sharon decided she didn't
want to be around that anymore.
They had us waiting
for 30 minutes,
which is actually an hour.
I mean, Jocelyn, you told me
this was a luxury train car.
- I highly--
- Excuse me. Hi. Hi.
This is the quiet car.
You can take that
into the loud car.
Hold on. I can't hear you.
-Just take it to the loud car.
-I can't hear you.
Take it to the loud car!
Please.
I think a train hostess
just hit on me.
- I am so hungry.
- We could make it.
And she got pregnant.
We had our son.
But then the drug habit
escalated to me giving hand jobs
under bridges for H.
The "H" stands for "heroin."
I made some great friends
under those bridges.
Oh, well.
We'll be departing shortly.
Our trusty pit crew
is just finishing up
some routine maintenance.
Let's go.
By the way, it's not ill*gal
to huff paint
next to your
four-year-old son.
I looked it up.
Oh, my God. No way. Are you...?
I am.
Oh, but I would really
appreciate it
if you don't make
a big deal of it.
I try to keep a low profile
when I'm traveling.
Are you sitting in my seat?
I paid for the window.
Move.
My God. What an a*s.
Welcome aboard.
You're sitting next
to the beautiful redhead
right over there.
- Welcome aboard.
- Before we depart,
I'll turn it over
to your lovely rail attendants
for your safety presentation.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can you please
direct your attention
to the front of the cabin?
DeeDee, what's going on?
And a-five,
six, seven, eight.
I think we're being hijacked.
Pay attention
Shut up
We got some instructions
To keep you tightened up
For the duration of the ride
Stay inside
Remain in your seat
Sit the f*ck down
Keep it buckled
Don't cause trouble
Keep your luggage down
Under your feet
Even the dog
No liquids over four ounces
And no lithium batteries
They could explode
Read your pamphlet
Know your exits
In case
There is an emergency
Like if we explode
Now take everything we said
And delete it from your brain
'Cause there ain't no rules
When you're riding on a train
Bring your drugs
It's time to play
'Cause there ain't no TSA
Get on up and celebrate
We're like
If Amtrak was g*y
Roll call
Alli here, hand me your bag
I'll throw 'em in the bin
And give 'em a tag
Hit the button
Ask for Ayshleiygh
Snacks and drinks
I'm on my way
Amber, Amber
First-class queen
Need some coffee?
I got extra cream
I'm Tess.
One time, I ate a magnet
and got stuck to a flagpole.
DeeDee. I was born
with adult teeth.
Bring your drugs
It's time to play
'Cause there ain't no TSA
Get on up and celebrate
We're like
If Amtrak was g*y
Sit the f*ck down
Ladies and gentlemen,
please prepare for departure.
We nailed it.
Pull the levers of the
trolley onto the one person.
Hey, guys,
we got another trolley problem.
Ooh, yes, b*tch,
you're fierce!
Dispatcher to train 108,
you are cleared for departure.
It is more of a "chugga-chugga"
or a "choo-choo"?
Donna Dusk online.
Zoom in on current
weather trajectory.
Too close.
Good God.
Per my calculations,
we are looking at
an unprecedented weather event.
Hurricane, hailstorms,
multiple tornadoes.
And that's just the beginning.
In English, please.
It's gonna be a disaster.
In Spanish, please.
In Mandarin, please?
There's little
historical evidence
that something like this
even exists,
but only because so few
have survived it.
The ancient Egyptians feared
that it was divine retribution
from the gods,
and they had a name for it.
Stormaganza.
Stormaganza?
Donna, when I hired you,
I took a chance.
Hire a woman with glasses,
they said.
Preferably a hot one,
so everyone in the office
could start a pool for who
could have sex with her first.
I had my money on that psycho.
He's a dog.
I can see now
I made the right choice.
Because this is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.
A stormaganza. What?
That's so g*y.
Who are you?
I'm Barbra. You just hired me.
-I did?
-Mm-hmm.
Sir, no, you don't understand.
We need to stop
all the trains right now.
I just saw there's
a Glamazonian Express
that's headed
for the center of the storm.
Oh, yeah?
How about you stop this?
Did someone order a noogie?
Uh-oh, Donna did.
Whatever.
May God have mercy
on their souls.
Souls? Baby,
let's start with that hair.
Honey, are you sure you're okay
to be traveling alone?
It's just a train.
What could possibly go wrong?
Just make sure you keep
your service animal
inside its crate at all times.
In fact, let me go ahead
and check that safety latch.
Have at it.
Seems good to me.
Oh, boy, look at you.
-Uh-huh.
-How far along?
-Nine months.
-Wow, congratulations.
I love babies.
In utero.
Not outside of a belly. Nope.
If you had a baby right now,
everyone on this train
would hate you.
Loud.
Good thing.
Well, luckily, he's not due
for another...
Hi.
Whatcha doing?
I'm newly divorced.
I've been married 20 years.
Just like that.
Never felt so free in my life.
Have you read the book
Eat, Pray, Love?
I'm in the...
I'm in the "eat" part right now.
- How does this work?
- Turn to the left...
I'm so sorry. Did I hit you?
Oh, no, I'm completely fine.
You're bleeding a lot.
Oh, this? It's nothing.
Doors. Am I right?
I didn't know girls
could be so funny.
Really nice talking to you.
DeeDee.
I'm Cal.
Cal.
Hello? Where's my coffee?
Hello?
Deedles, all of the passengers
are hitting the help button.
How's that drink cart coming?
We're out of milk.
Where'd it go?
Milk, anyone?
Milk? Milk?
Milk?
Hello?
Deedles, all these passengers
are so much nicer
than the ones on Stank Rail.
We have got to do
a good job for them.
I'm going in without it.
How do we look?
Boop! Boop!
Gorge.
On the rocks?
Neat.
Who made this evaluation?
A f*cking kindergartener?
I'm telling you,
we should sell short.
One tepid flat water
with olives.
Drinks?
Train Control
to Glamazonian Express.
Train Control to Glamazonian
Express. Do you copy?
Deedles, you left
one of your programs
up on the monitor again.
My name is Donna Dusk.
Oh, it's one of those
makeover shows
where they take the glasses off
and suddenly
the ugly girl's pretty.
If you don't listen
to everything I say,
you are all going to die.
Look, I don't know if you're the
conductor, or some passengers,
or a train attendant,
or a bar cabin chef,
or a ragtag group
of boxcar children.
Okay, I don't care about that.
You're headed into
a stormaganza.
Do you hear me?
A storm-a-ga-nza.
So, we are counting on you.
You're our last hope.
This is our moment.
DeeDee, follow me.
Excuse me, what are you two
doing up here?
Oh, my God!
- I never!
- Hey, girls.
No.
No running in the cabin!
Everything looks good, sir.
Wheels are still on the track.
-Open the door.
-What's happening in there?
Captain.
Oh, my God.
Captain, there's an emergency.
This weird, homely woman,
Donna Dusk,
with these big, cheap glasses,
she popped up on my TV screen.
You're not allowed
to be up here.
Captain.
It's a stormaganza.
Mommy,
Daddy's smoking crack again.
Again, again, again.
Captain Davenport to train HQ.
Get me Donna Dusk.
Pfft. Donna?
You mean
little Bimbo Baggins?
This is Donna Dusk.
The stormaganza.
Is this a joke?
Check your control panel.
Dear God.
You have to stop the train now.
The brakes. They're fried.
Conductor.
Are you saying
that you're on a runaway train?
Worse. What I'm saying is
we can't stop.
I once drove through
a stormaganza.
It was a long, long time ago.
What happened?
Conductor, the passengers in the
rear have fallen into hysteria.
Now, don't you worry, Amelia.
We'll be through
this squall soon.
I'd stake all 44 states on it.
Ooh, Lord.
Our train derailed.
What was it like?
Like...
Screech!
Oh, God, no. Please stop!
Stop the train!
Oh, no, no!
We're going off the rails!
Oh, God, save us!
My face! I'm burning alive!
Boom, boom, boom! Aaahhh!
There in the wreckage,
lost in the wilderness,
just me and the co-conductor.
I'm sure you can see
where this is going.
You kissed.
No, I ate him.
Oh, my God.
How long were you out there?
Forty-six minutes.
You poor thing.
Donna, are you still there?
So, if my calculations
are correct,
you still have a chance
of making it through the storm,
but you have to find a way
to stop the train
before it crashes
into the final stop,
which is located right next
to a nuclear power plant,
a hotel for dogs,
and the home of beloved actress
Lori Metcalfe.
Not Lori Metcalfe.
Dear God.
Place your bets, ladies
and gentlemen. Place your bets.
The wheel turns. No more bets,
please. No more bets.
What were you two talking
to the conductor about?
Amber, there's been
a bit of an emergency.
Oh, you mean the weight
restriction in this cabin
that was exceeded
when you two walked in.
Actually, Amber, we don't have
to tell you anything
because the conductor
put us in charge.
You met the conductor?
He's real?
Tess, what are you doing?
Excuse me. Hi, y'all.
My name is Tess.
And I'm DeeDee.
And we have an announcement.
What do you think
you're doing?
Ayshleiygh, do something.
I took eight beta-blockers.
Um...
The conductor
would like us to tell you
that we're looking
at inclement weather ahead.
Please stay in your seats and
keep your seat belts fastened.
We'll get through it in no time.
And complimentary drinks on us.
Oh. So, that's
how you wanna play.
-Hmm.
-Okay, b*tch.
We love games. Right, girls?
Yeah, but we don't play fair.
We can basically read
each other's minds.
Watch.
Bryce. Bryce. Bryce.
Bryce Dallas Howard.
Ha ha!
See?
Locked in.
So, get ready to play
4-D m*therf*cking chesssss.
And we thank you.
Madam President.
Have you made a decision?
I have.
It's time...
to nuke Russia.
Are you serious, madam?
Does this look serious?
Kidding!
I mean, do you really think
I wanna deal with that mess?
Pfft. I don't even come in
on Fridays.
So good.
You know what's so funny?
We literally were just
saying outside,
we hope she does the bit
with the button.
It's so funny every time.
Oh, my God.
Approve all these bills
and throw everyone a tax rebate.
I'm in an Oprah mood.
Hey, just a reminder.
You have your one o'clock
with AOC.
Yeah. And then after that
is your photoshoot with Skims.
Remember the concept?
Mary Poppins
fell into her big bag
and is now clawing at the walls
of her dark bag pit.
Oh. What?
Okay.
No.
Now, I could be wrong,
but that sounded like...
An emergency.
A national emergency.
Madam President,
the situation is ongoing,
but we have our people
monitoring it from every angle.
We're gonna corner the market
on messaging on this,
including running some
contingency plans
and getting best
and worst-case projections.
We also have a rapid response
team on the scene
in case the situation escalates.
We have a direct line to
defense, NASA, FEMA,
PETA, GOOP, the NAACP,
the WNBA, SWV, Xscape,
TLC, Build-a-Bear Workshop,
Mothers Against Drunk Driving,
the cast of
The Real Housewives of Potomac,
the cast of Married to Medicine,
and of course,
the Taco Bell Innovation Lab.
Tell it to me straight.
There's a Glamazonian Express
headed directly
into a massive storm.
Now tell it to me g*y.
Dear God.
It's serious.
Do you know what this is?
Hmm?
Well, of course, madam.
That's your approval rating.
Hasn't once dipped below
"Love her!"
That's right. That's right.
Not since the day
I sat my perfect derriere
in this little chair-iere.
And do you know why?
You're sickening.
Yes.
But more.
I'm fun.
It was literally
my whole campaign.
You know what's not fun?
America's first b*llet train
flying off the tracks.
We will be the laughingstock of
all high-speed-rail countries.
Of course. Shouldn't you be
the one to speak to this issue
considering
your military history?
The United States Rail Force.
Are you having another one
of your hot flashbacks?
Of course not.
All right,
bring me my TV pantsuit.
We're going live.
Go.
Whoa!
-Good game.
-You too.
Your coffee, conductor.
-Oh. Thank you.
-Sorry it took so long.
That's all right.
And hi, Cal.
Oh, you remembered my name.
What was your name again?
DeeDee.
DeeDee. That's a great name.
You know, I had a dog once.
Named DeeDee?
No.
I'm sorry, sorry.
No, we are out of vodka
and whiskey and gin.
But we do have a tequila branded
by a very famous Meghan.
Thee Stallion?
Markle.
You worked hard. Your
mamas and daddies worked hard.
We're mighty proud of you.
No way. Are you...?
Yes, that's me.
Fun set.
Are you looking at my screen
right now?
Because I paid
$20 for this movie.
You know what? You owe me half.
Okay.
Thank you. And if I see you
looking at this screen again,
I'm gonna beat
the sh*t out of you.
It's my goal
to entertain the world
through artistic expression.
Through art,
I shall serve my country.
All right, you leeches.
Listen up.
You get one question each,
and don't get greedy.
Or I will have you thrown
into a government
black site so fast
you'll be making Zara handbags
like the rest of the filth.
Is that what you want?
Ask me if I'm kidding.
Seriously, ask. Yeah.
Are you kidding?
No.
And that was your one question.
And now, please
welcome your president,
Judy Gagwell!
Thank you.
I will start taking questions.
-Yes.
-Madam President,
what can you tell us
about this storm?
Well, it's quite--
Big? Dangerous?
What are you hiding, Gagwell?
What kind of conspiracy is this?
-Watergate. Pizzagate.
-Get her out of here.
Wait. Aah! No, no, no, no, no.
What's happening?
I don't wanna work
at a Zara! No!
-Did you see that?
-Yes, yes.
Big. Just know we are monitoring
the situation,
and we have eyes on the train.
No.
What are the chances
of survival?
And by "survival," I mean how
many people are going to die?
Dead. Six feet under. Maggots.
Don't even get me started
on the bats.
Have you ever had
a bat nest in your hair?
Honey, the whole
bat family moves in.
-They bring lawn chairs--
-Okay. You had your turn.
Excuse me.
Y'all talking trains?
I know a little something
about trains.
This is an inside job.
How do I know?
I'm a certified railway hostess.
-Oh.
-Well, I used to be.
Then Big Train got my a*s.
And they're gonna
get you all too.
Soon, we're not gonna
have no cars.
We ain't gonna have no feet.
Like the movie Snowpiercer,
but no feet.
Do you think these are
my real legs?
They are, for now. Then
they're gonna hack them off,
they're gonna chain them
to the bottom of that train,
and they're gonna be like
one Flintstones car.
Madam President, do you feel
a personal connection to this,
considering your past?
-My past?
-Weren't you a part
of that now-defunct
military branch
dedicated to defend
the country with trains?
That was...
many years ago. I...
No!
Joanie! No!
Did you just have
a hot flashback?
Take her out.
I've had it.
No!
Cal, status?
Single, captain, but having sex
with a few different women
in my karate class.
Copy that.
Donna, how's it looking
up ahead?
Great, Captain.
We're all rooting for you.
All right,
who has money on 100?
- Three hundred.
- Two hundred, 200.
-I'm all in.
-Come on, guys.
I'm thinking mass casualties,
bodies high.
Get those bills out.
Come on, don't be a cheap-a*s.
You know, it's only
gonna get uglier,
but I have no doubt
we'll make it through.
As long as I'm sitting
in this chair,
focused, alert, determined,
and not incapacitated
for some reason.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
What is going on up there?
Who brought
a scorpion in here?
He's allergic to scorpions,
I think.
We can fix this.
Cal, you're gonna take over
as conductor.
No, I'm the co-conductor.
All I know how to do is play
music on the aux cord.
What if I stay up here
and help him?
I could speak on the headset,
make sure everything's okay.
Yes, and I'll take care
of the conductor.
How do we look?
Boop! Boop!
Gorge.
There's an amazing venue
we should try.
Oh, maybe. Yes.
Oh.
Ooh... Conductor Davenport.
Is this seat taken?
Mmm.
Oops!
Ah! Got it.
Oh, I'm sorry, I...
Oh, I guess I should...
I guess I'll go here.
Oh, that's my journal.
Wow.
Look at us. It's like,
are we even gonna
get any work done up here?
I know. It's like,
what does any of this stuff
even do?
Glamazonian Express,
do you copy?
Donna, do you copy?
-Yes, BeeBee, I read you.
-DeeDee.
Whatever your name is,
you're headed right into
an oncoming tornado. You will
need to redirect the train
onto some sort of
alternate track.
Uh, you can manually switch
to an old mining track
up ahead,
but fair warning,
it's been closed for decades
for being too haunted.
Okay.
Oh.
Cal.
Oh, here it is.
Oh. Sorry.
Cal.
Ooh.
Ah.
Oh, it's slippery.
Can you guys just,
like, pull it?
It wasn't that bad, right?
Well, we'll just have
to handle this
the way we take care
of all scandals.
Just start saying names.
No.
We wait it out
until it all blows over.
I mean, it can't get worse
than this, right?
Oh.
Donna? Donna?
We lost signal.
That's good, right?
Can you read me? Hello?
Hello? Hello?
-Can you read me?
-Girl, where do I start?
Aw.
Looks like you couldn't
handle it after all.
Don't worry, I've got this.
Passengers,
we are currently experiencing
some slight
technical difficulties.
There's no need to panic.
-I just said, don't panic.
-You did.
We're gonna need something
to distract the passengers.
Would you like me to help?
I actually got my start
on the stage.
One-woman production
of Our Town.
- The review said that I was--
- Girls, girls.
Look who it is.
It's some complete f*cking rando
who can't stay in her seat.
Get out of here!
What are we gonna do?
I have an idea.
- Who turned out the light?
- You have to trust me
- and put these on.
- I'm out.
I'm in.
- I'm in too.
Who's that?
I'm a ghost.
Okay.
Five, six, seven, eight.
We are onboard
Private entertainment
Here to keep the vibes high
No derailment
Little funky, little flirty
Hot arrangement
-So light, so smooth
-So light, so smooth
'Cause everything is perfect
Everything is right
No need to be nervous
Just enjoy the ride
-Hey, you, look over there
-Right there
Nothing to worry about
No reason
You should be scared
-Hey, you, look over there
-Right there
We're just here hanging out
Like we don't have a care
Now it's even louder in here.
Whoa.
-Oh, my God.
-Whoa!
-Hey, you, look over there
-Right there
Nothing to worry about
No reason
You should be scared
-Hey, you, look over there
-Right there
We're just here hanging out
Like we don't have a care
Look over there now
Look over there
Don't you look over here
Don't you look over here now
Look over there now
Look over there
Don't look over there
Don't you look over there now
Donna, Donna, do you read?
Donna?
Your skin looks like you got
power-washed in a FEMA tent.
Head so big
you look like the Michelin Man.
Great ascot, I wish
your a*s got hit by a bus.
You're aging like goat milk.
Donna?
We made it through the tunnel.
Train hands.
DeeDee, we did it.
Oh.
You look incredible right now.
Oh.
I guess I'll go take care
of this.
Tess! Tess!
Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!
That was amazing. You're like
the Tate McRae of railroads.
Like Tate McRailroad.
Wait, wait, y'all liked that?
-Ah, yeah!
-Yeah!
You're totally
in with us now, girl.
So in. Even with that little
weird eye thing.
-Wait, what? What?
-Right there.
I'm sorry.
Is this a joke?
Her name
doesn't even start with A.
Amber. I think you're needed
back there in coach.
Give it up for Tess, everyone.
Pick her up. Pick her up.
Let's go. Come on.
Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!
Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!
Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!
Tess! Tess! We made it.
Tess?
Tess?
Train Control, come in.
Yes, I see you. Zooming in.
-Too close.
-It's good, right?
-We're through the storm.
-No.
You're just in the eye of it.
Holy f*ck.
It's clear they're no longer
buying what I'm selling.
Madam President, your speech
for when the train crashes,
k*lling everyone.
Sit down.
I think it's time
I tell you a story.
Everyone knows me
as Judy Gagwell.
"She fun."
But what if I told you
sometimes she not fun?
What if I told you...
she sad?
Oh, my God.
Was it something that I did?
There's one chapter in my life
that I haven't spoken about.
My time in the
United States Rail Force.
Take a seat.
The year was 1986.
The Rail Force.
A new military initiative
under Reagan
who thought there was no better
way to defend America
than by train.
It was supposed to be
a standard test
where I'd launch missiles that
were mounted on my caboose.
I had a blemish on my chin that
day that needed a little TLC.
I was so distracted by my mug
that I didn't see
all the warning signs
staring right at me.
What was that?
Hm.
Like little Joanie Muggins
prancing down the train tracks.
I had to bury this story
for my campaign.
You know,
there's a saying in politics.
The only thing less fun
than a train crash
is a flattened,
exploded toddler.
And you are always saying that.
So, now that you know
the real me,
the true me,
what do you think?
We can spin this.
We're gonna get background
on that toddler.
I guarantee you we can find it
saying some r*cist sh*t.
I have to go.
No.
I'm not fit for this job
anymore.
What?
-I have to go.
-No.
President Gagwell.
President Gagwell, wait!
Oh, sh*t!
Phew!
Like I said, you're just
in the eye of the storm.
You're telling me now
it has a face?
And if I'm being frank, the
other side is not looking good.
If you're being Frank, what if
you're being, like, Dylan?
Deedles, we got this, okay?
We just gotta keep on doing
what we've been doing.
Cal's really into you.
Did you hear those passengers
out there?
They are chanting our names.
I kind of just heard your name.
What? No, no.
Oh! It's the other girls.
I gotta get back out there.
-They need me.
-Okay, how do we look?
Huh? Fine, fine, whatever.
Boop! Boop!
Gorge.
-Hey, everybody.
-Ah!
Did you miss me?
Yes!
Tess! Tess! Tess!
Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!
Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!
Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!
"Babies cause 100 percent
of train delays."
Yeah. Not good.
Oh, my goodness.
Congratulations.
You are a Miranda.
Gentle and compassionate,
but also relatively passive.
Okay, I'm gonna do me next.
I'm horny.
DeeDee.
I just wanna say,
I couldn't do this without you.
Cal, I...
Cal and DeeDee,
do you copy?
-Donna?
-This might be your one chance
to redirect the train
before you re-enter the storm.
We just need to find a way
to brake the train manually.
Tess will know what to do.
Who's Tess?
Tess?
Tess!
Tess!
I'll have a Denver omelet.
Woot-woot!
Excuse you, b*tch.
Tess!
The Swiss twins.
Tess!
DeeDee?
DeeDee!
Hey, it's DeeDee, everybody!
What is all this?
I'm just trying to keep
all the passengers entertained,
you know, like the girls do
on the commercial.
The girls in the commercial
did everything together.
- What?
- Everyone!
I would just like
to make a toast to Tess,
our new best friend
who is running this train
all by herself, with absolutely
no help from anyone else.
Stop, y'all are crazy.
Oh, DeeDee. What was it
you wanted to tell me?
You know what? Never mind.
-What?
-Never mind!
What?
I said, never mind!
Because I can do this
all by myself.
I'm so sorry. No offense.
It just smells like
poor people back here.
Oh, hold on,
the snack girl finally got here.
Y'all got Nutter Butters
or what?
Sir, please don't touch me.
So sad.
According to the schematic...
Ah. There is an emergency brake
situated directly
on top of the caboose.
But there's no way to access it
from inside the train.
Unless someone goes out there
and does it themselves.
Autoconduct activated.
Cal, that's a suicide mission.
DeeDee,
it's time for me to prove
that I'm more than just
a perfect face
or a gorgeous set of abs
or those little V lines
right above my pelvis
that poke out
from my low-rise jeans.
I'm Cal.
I have to do this.
I have to save the world.
Sorry.
All right. When I get out there,
I'm gonna need eyes on me
from inside the cabin.
Just give me the signal
when you need to be pulled in.
What's the signal?
This.
-Okay.
-Uh-huh.
How's that sound, Donna?
Dumb as sh*t.
Dumb as a school made of sh*t
filled with little
sh*t students.
But it's so dumb...
it just might work,
you crazy b*stard.
DeeDee.
This might be the last time
we ever see each other.
Cal, I need to tell you
something.
What?
I love you.
I've loved you
since the first time I saw you
on that Conductors We Want
to See the d*ck Of Magazine.
And you don't have to say
anything back to me. I just...
What did you need to tell me?
Oh! Oh. Oh, nothing.
You know what?
No, I'm done living
in this fantasy.
I love you, Cal.
I said it out loud.
Wow, DeeDee.
I don't know what to say, except
do you want to finally see
what my d*ck looks like?
Yeah.
-Whoa!
-Whoa!
What did you need to tell me?
Oh! Good luck out there.
No, no, it's fine.
Everybody calm down, okay?
There's something
they're not telling us.
Yeah, like,
is this even a train?
Think about it, people.
Does anybody remember
getting on the train?
I do.
Oh, I do too, actually.
Why don't we see those
pretty peepers?
Oh.
You know, n*pples
are the eyes of the face.
Oh!
Oh!
-Oh.
-Hey, look.
That's the conductor.
And a very large nipple.
Wait, who's driving the train?
And why is her nipple so big?
You're all just jealous.
I bet she knows.
I mean, look at her. Can we
even trust anyone from coach?
She is from coach.
And she was
in the conductor's cabin
the entire time
we did the dance.
Dance? What dance?
Oh, just a disco-infused,
late-'80s-inspired number.
Passengers, apologies
for the confusion.
I'm getting word now that
your first-class attendant here
is a two-faced b*tch
who takes credit for the onboard
entertainment choreo
that we came up with together.
-Get her a*s.
-Get her. Let her know.
Passengers, if I could
direct your attention
to the right side
of history,
I will let you know
that I am the one
who came up with that
choreo in the first place
when I had that dream that Dolly
Parton made us dance at gunpoint
in order to escape
her Rocky Mountain Labyrinth.
Passengers.
It's better to have no friends
than one friend who is
a social-climbing skank,
who was just lying about us
finally having our moment.
Passengers.
Maybe it's difficult
for us to have our moment
when one of us is always
holding the other one back.
Wha--
Ow! Owee, owee, owee!
Ooh.
Okay, okay. Time out, time out.
-Time out.
-Tess, too much.
- Yeah.
- Tess, time out.
-Time out.
-Okay. Okay. Fine.
Ugh, what is that smell?
Oh, never mind. It's just two
girls stanking up the train.
That's right.
Neither of these attendants
are from Glamazonian.
They're impostors
from Stank Rail.
That's right.
You know, the trains
where the seats
don't even recline?
You lied to us, Tess.
You were the first woman
I ever trusted.
No, no, no, no, no.
I was gonna ask you
to be my maid of honor.
And I still will be.
And I was gonna adopt you
as my weird, sad daughter.
Oh, I really wanna be Tess Rina.
And neither one of you will ever
be Glamazonian material.
What's this for?
Now let's save this train.
Did anybody just see that?
That looked like the conductor
I wanted to see the d*ck of.
Cal!
DeeDee!
Call 911!
Great.
So, now we're all gonna
die in this train
because of you two boneheads.
Wait.
Maybe we could try and stop it.
Get into it, girl.
Donna, tell it to us straight.
No brakes.
A fatal storm.
A dead co-conductor we really
wanted to see the d*ck of.
I'd say our odds are...
a .01 percent chance
of survival.
Tell it to us g*y.
Oh, you give me a half-hour,
I go over to Home Depot.
I load my Subaru with tools.
I pay my ex Deb
some vegan jerky to help me.
We fix that train in,
like, 20 minutes.
-Boy g*y.
-Oh, sorry.
Girl!
Donna, pack up your desk.
-What? Why?
-Well...
we have to blame someone
for all this,
and you're the only woman
wearing glasses.
You know, Chet, every day
I come to work at this office
with a sword in my side,
knowing you're just gonna
push it in further,
but I still come in. Why?
Because I'm a human being.
A human being
who happens to be a woman.
But not just a woman.
I am my mother's daughter
and her daughters before her
and her daughters before her
in a never-ending line
of daughters.
The usual?
Barbra? You're a bartender now?
Who's Barbra?
Hard day?
You don't know the half of it.
Try having half the country
think of you
as a laughing stock.
Madam President?
You knew it was me?
But I'm wearing a disguise.
Shouldn't you be running
the country?
Oh, I'm running all right.
Running from my past.
Well, whatever it is,
I'm sure it's not that bad.
I ran over a toddler
with a train.
Oh.
I did it, and then I buried it.
Just like they buried
that toddler,
or at least
whatever they could find of her.
All so that I could run
for president.
Just like that toddler
ran across those train tracks
and then exploded on impact.
Well, it could be worse.
You could be the reason
an entire train
full of people crashes.
You're right.
I mean, there's probably five or
six toddlers on there at least.
To running away
from life's problems.
You know, I don't think
you're running away.
I think you're stuck.
Just like I was stuck
in that control tower.
We're sitting here avoiding our
problems when we should be...
Ignoring them.
Bo... b*mb... Bombing...
Bombing them?
Eating them.
-Hurdling towards them.
-Towards them.
Hurdling right towards them.
Yes.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
You know, I was gonna say that
because that's who I am,
you know?
Hurdling towards them
and solving this.
That is... That is brilliant.
That's brilliant.
Hurdling towards them.
b*tch, we've got a train
to catch.
Last will and testament?
Last will and testament?
-Last will and testament?
-I'll take one.
Last will and testament?
-Wow.
-Last will and testament?
You come back here
to die with me?
Oh, wait.
I'd probably hold you back
from that, too, right?
Deedles, I'm sorry.
You know I didn't mean
any of those things
that I said to you. I just...
For the first time,
I felt like our lives
were finally about to begin,
you know?
I guess it was always
just meant to end like this.
Tess, I'll be honest with you.
Before this morning, I thought
our lives had started years ago.
-When?
-The day we met at THA.
-Train Hostess Academy.
-Train Hostess Academy.
Deedles, we were supposed
to do big things.
Like see the world,
like those four g*y guys
stuck up on that mountain.
You know, I think I saw them
passing by the window earlier.
Is that what that was?
Oh!
We're doing it, Tess.
Like we always have been.
Oh, if I'm gonna die in a fiery
crash next to my best friend,
I don't wanna do it
in these tacky-a*s uniforms.
I can't wait to get this off.
I hate this.
- Do you hear that?
- Geronimo!
Who says we have to crash?
All right, let's pack it up,
folks. This is so boring.
Wait.
Who says we have to crash?
No one said that.
Is this a joke? Certainly, they
won't be able to pick me up.
They're women, and no--
Whoa! Whoa!
They're doing it, you guys.
Let's save the train, people.
By that, I don't mean people
with wheels as arms
and headlamps as eyes
and a smokestack for a head.
And we wouldn't wanna save those
people anyway. They're freaks.
Like, what is their blood,
passengers?
No, I mean,
let's save the train, people.
Yeah!
That my BFF, she the sh*t
Sister from another mister
That my twin, thick and thin
We the baddest in the world
Can't name nobody badder
It's just me and her
Nobody else don't even matter
That my BFF, that my sis
Sister from another mister
That my twin
Thick and thin
Just like that
Have my back
If your bestie in the club
Where she at?
Look who's here.
Are they really gonna die
in those clothes?
Well, it looks like
they already did.
Excuse us, ladies.
But we've got work to do.
Oh, and by the way, Amber,
I'm sorry we ever asked to be
part of your little group
in the first place.
At least now I know
what a real best friend
looks like.
You mean me, right?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Just rent the U-Haul
and buy the Birkenstocks
already, ladies.
Barf.
I got this.
Amber, is it?
-Apparently this is first class.
-Mm-hm.
But that face of yours
is screaming basic economy.
Fried hair, migrating filler.
And the only bags
you forgot to check
are under those overlined eyes
that make you look like
a spooked horse.
Next time you come for
Tess or DeeDee,
remember, you just got
a presidential address,
and it's 1600
Out-Of-My-Way-b*tch Boulevard.
Oh, Amber.
Because reading is what?
Fundamental!
Glamazonian Express,
can you read me?
Can you read me?
Should I start
with those shoes?
-Shut up.
-Uh, loud and clear, Donna.
-Tell her about the president.
-You're not gonna believe it.
The president has boarded
the train by...
Wait. How did you get
on the train?
No time.
What are we looking at, Donna?
All right, you'll be coming up
on the storm shortly.
I'm uploading a 3-D rendering
to your comms.
Now, once you're there,
you'll have to find
a way to stop that train
-with no brakes.
-No brakes?
Otherwise, it'll crash
into the final stop.
Crash.
Now the stop
should be empty except for
the Make-A-Wish field trip
that's visiting.
I... I shouldn't do this.
-What?
-No. No.
One of you
will have to stop the train.
-What?
-One of you
will have to stop
this train instead.
I will guide you. Go on.
Go.
T-minus one minute
until the storm.
Whatever T-minus means.
Someone needs to be
the conductor.
Tess.
-Tess, what are you doing?
-Look, Deedles.
I know I am always saying
that this is our moment,
but right now it's yours.
Madam President,
are you sure about this?
I've never been more sure
about anything in my life.
Hello?
Oh.
Sorry. Never mind.
Now listen up.
When you get in there,
you listen to everything I say.
Because this whole country
is counting on you.
Any last words?
Good luck.
And don't f*ck it up.
What's taking so long?
Okay, girls, buckle up.
- What's the plan?
- We need to shut off the engine
and eject it from the train
so we can explode it out of
its sexy little undercarriage.
What?
Then we can use it as an anchor
to slow us down.
Look for a small blue button.
Blue button. Uh...
Okay, well,
that clearly didn't work.
Uh... What about
this one?
Mom.
I'm sorry. She always does this.
I'm fine now.
I just needed a snack.
It's like that movie with
the guy, that, like, actor,
and then
they're on a desert island
and his best friend's
a baseball.
We're running out of time.
Okay, I know. I'm trying.
Um... Wait, wait. I found it.
It's working.
We're slowing down.
Donna, what's up ahead?
Okay, girls.
You're not gonna believe
what I'm seeing.
We're coming up on a few
irregular weather patterns.
Hold her steady, ladies.
We're seeing extreme lightning.
Heavy fog.
Deedles, where are you?
Tess, I can't see,
so I have to speak loud.
No, you really don't.
I am right here. Just reach out.
A lot of water.
Look, there's a blowfish.
Oh, it's blowing
the angel fish.
Passengers, please be aware
that your safety vest
also doubles
as a flotation device.
To inflate, just pull the tab.
Ooh.
The only way out is through.
You girls got this, right?
I'll be cheering you on
from back here.
- You girls need pretzels?
- No, thanks.
Or a seltzer? Seltzer?
Ladies, it has been a pleasure
playing with you tonight.
You're entering
a zone of extreme pressure.
Oh, great.
Where did that come from?
Oh, f*ck.
Some very extreme pressure
might be enough
to shatter the windows.
Almost there.
And they've got
the hummus packs.
You know, with the pretzels
on the side?
You know, I keep some of these
in the Resolute Desk.
What's this doing here?
Deedles, I can see the station.
We're almost through the storm.
Tess, I think there's something
wrong with the window.
Tess!
DeeDee!
Tess!
Tess!
Tess.
-Tess!
-DeeDee!
-Tess!
-DeeDee!
What is that?
It's a dog on two legs
pushing a shopping cart.
No, what's that?
As if this day
couldn't get any worse.
Tess!
-Tess.
-Take my hand.
Tess. You have to let me go.
No, I'll never let go.
We'll always have the memories.
Is it weird that I can't
remember anything
that didn't happen today?
Yeah, me too.
Well done.
Can you please turn that down?
We did it.
We did it.
You know, I'm just
getting out of something,
so not really looking for
anything serious right now.
But it was really fun.
You first. I'm gonna go slip
into something
a little more comfortable.
Okay.
-Tess.
-Deedles.
Oh.
Come on. Let's go.
Look who it is.
Look who it is. Come on.
Finally, people
who know who I am. Oh!
No, DeeDee,
I think nobody can tell
-you're not wearing pants.
-Yes, they can tell.
-There's so many people here.
-My goodness. Hi, how are you?
Hi.
Well, it's a little moist
here, isn't it?
-It's a little moist.
-We've never been to Florida.
Tess, DeeDee,
you just saved countless lives.
Tell me how you feel.
I just wish Cal
could have seen this.
- Aw.
- DeeDee!
Cal, you're alive.
I know when
I fell into the ravine,
it looked like
I was definitely gonna die,
but I didn't.
I broke every bone in my body.
All I thought about was you,
DeeDee.
On the brink of death,
I was rescued
by a valet
who was on a hike.
She was incredibly well-trained,
and her name was--
Wait, Barb? How did you...
I'm a lot of things, girls,
but nothing for too long.
Barbra, you're an angel.
Cal, I need to tell you
something.
What, that you're in love
with me?
-How did you know?
-Because you said it, like,
eight times
in the conductor cabin.
You kept looking at me, and
then you would just glaze over
like you were fantasizing
about something.
And sometimes,
you looked at my body too.
I don't know
why this is taking so long.
Just kiss already.
Ow! My shoulder!
You grabbed
my exposed bone.
DeeDee, meet me in the ICU.
-I need to use your insurance.
-He does like you.
I can't believe
you did that.
Thank you, Madam President.
No, Donna.
Thank little Joanie Muggins.
Who?
Tess, DeeDee,
a word for the Times.
Oh, we did it, DeeDee.
We saw America.
You heard it here first.
We are live
from Celebration, Florida.
This is Shayna
Gefilte-Manischevitz.
Wait. One more thing.
We're missing someone.
All aboard the party train
Hurry up and don't be late
Doo wop, don't you stop
I mean,
the only thing that worked
on this whole train
is I got snacks once.
Can you believe
we didn't even die?
Have a lovely day, sir.
NASA,
The Real Housewives of Potomac,
BET, MTV, VH1.
XstyleC.
Sorry, guys.
One of which
just got burned up by...
Mine fire that's been
burning for 50 years.
I'm sorry.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Oh, my God. Damn.
We hope you enjoyed your ride.
Please come back
and see us again soon.
Thank you for choosing
Glamazonian Express.
-Hope you had a nice trip.
-Enjoy your day.
-Talk about dead weight, right?
-Mm.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, yeah.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Okay. Cut.
Cutting. Cutting.
Nice ascot. I wish your a*s
got hit by a bus.
Oh, sh*t. Okay. I'm sorry.
-Okay.
-Don't forget your bag.
We hope you enjoyed your ride.
Whee!
The conductor
would like us to tell you
that we're approaching
inclement weather ahead.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have looked at you.
Congratulations,
you are a Miranda.
Gentle and compassionate,
but also--
Okay.
I hope you had a pleasant
and enjoyable ride.
Come back again soon.
You see, this is exactly
why we don't talk to you girls.
You see, this is exactly--
Would you stop it. Sorry.
-My face hidden?
-You are.
You see, this...
Sorry. f*ck. I got it, I got it,
okay. Here we go.
And look right
into the camera. Mouth open.
The burning flesh!
And... Cut.
-Come again.
-I plan on it.
Oh!
What the hell?
This is so stupid.
All aboard the party train
-Have a lovely day.
-Love your nails.
-You would.
-Oh, God.
And you two will never be
Glamazonian material.
Okay. Wow.
And cut. Okay.
On to the next scene.
-What is that?
-What is this?
I think it's shampoo.
-Is that funny?
-Is it shampoo?
Okay, cut. Let's
clean up their hands, please.
-Well, it smells good.
-It smells great.
Thank you for riding with us,
ma'am.
Please don't touch me.
-Ugh, it was polyblend.
-Mm.
Don't worry. I've got this.
- Passengers!
- Oh, my God.
So too early. Nun.
- Religious freedom.
- You're so sweet.
I'm glad you're praying
for everybody.
Oh, wait! Stop that train!
Thank you for choosing
Glamazonian.
-Yuck, not you again.
-Wait, but I'm--
-That's lovely.
-Oh!
Uh... Hello?
Hello?
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Stop! That! Train! (2026)
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