02x20 - Twice Upon a Time: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪

Alright, Buddy, this history
course is gonna be tough,

- so concentrate.
- Okay.

Alright,

"I-I crossed the Alps
and defeated the Roman Legions
in 216 B.C. Who am I?"

- Hannibal.
- Right.

How'd you know?

I-It's word association,
Charles.

You say the Alps,

I think of the
Alpine Restaurant.

I took Hannah Kirshner
there once. We had a ball.

Hannah... Ball...

Hannibal.

Unbelievable.
Alright, try this one.

"In 1704, I defeated
the French forces,

at the Battle of Blenheim.
Who am I?"

The Duke of Marlborough.

Duke of Marlborough is right.

I can't believe this,
word association?

Yup, the Battle of Blenheim,

When I was 17,
I had four dates,

with a girl named
Gloria Linheim.

Linheim rhymes with Blenheim.

Yeah, but what made you think
of Marlborough?

Gloria had a tattoo.

I'm not afraid, Jamie.

It's just that I've
never done it before.

- This will be my first time.
- Don't worry!

The first time can be great,

as long as the boy
knows what he's doing.

If he doesn't, she'll
never wanna do it again.

Hold it!
Hold it!

Excuse me, please.
Come here, thank you.

What?

Charles, I'm handling this.

See, the main thing is,
be cool.

Let him spend
a little money on you,

tell you how pretty you are,
treat you like a queen,

and then, if you
really like him...

Him? Him who?

There is no him in her life.

Her is too young
to have a him.

Listen to him, girls.
He almost makes sense.

Buddy, in your
word association game,

do the words
"foot, butt, kick, and ouch"
suggest anything?

Geez, I come over to study,

and I get an afternoon
of sex and violence.

I'm gonna go get my notebook.

Sarah, you have years
before you need to know,

what Jamie was trying
to tell you.

No, she has until
Saturday night.

That's when she's going
to the school dance.

Yes, Charles,
Michael Simpson asked me,

and Mom said I could go,
so... I'm going.

It's her first date!
She needs help.

Okay, Sarah,
you'll go to the dance, and,

you'll drink punch, and then
you'll dance with another girl

because your date
doesn't know how to dance,

and then you'll leave.
You'll have a nice time.

But what about
after the dance?

- When he brings me home?
- That's easy.

See, if he hasn't completely
humiliated you beyond belief,

you let him
kiss you goodnight.

No!

No, no, no, no, Sarah,

you do not kiss
on the first date,

or the second, and probably
not the third, if ever.

Didn't you ever kiss a girl
on the first date?

- [doorbell rings]
- No.

Sarah, kissing is not to be
taken lightly.

I certainly don't go around
kissing every girl I meet.

I'm not sure, but I think
she's an Avon lady.

Oh, no.
It's Gwendolyn Pierce.

How can you tell?

I'd know that kisser anywhere.

So, how long did you two
go together?

Uh... about a year,
and then Gwendolyn left town.

Why? Did she get mad at you?

Oh, no, no, Adam.

See, my parents
moved to California,

so I changed schools
to be close to them.

Your parents broke you up?

That's so romantic.
Just like Romeo and Juliet!

Sarah, I'm just now reading
"Romeo and Juliet" in school.

See, when you read it,
you'll find out it's not
all that romantic.

I read it a long time ago,
Jamie.

Oh.

Well, just don't tell me
how it turns out, okay?

So far, it sounds like a
rip-off of "West Side Story."

I just hope it has
a happier ending.

Great love stories
never have happy endings.

Well, I think they do,
sometimes.

What do you think?

I think, um...

I think Sarah is very mature
for her age.

Thank you!

I have a date Saturday night.

Yeah.
Her first date!

Yeah, way to go,
dipstick.

Oh, Sarah,
I think that's wonderful.

You know, you guys,

I have a few magic moments
of my own,

that will stay
with me forever.

One of them is my
very first date.

Remember our first date?

Yeah, that's the other one.

Adam, go to your room.

Why?

Let me explain it this way.
Move it!

So, um...

How come you never answered
any of my letters?

You never wrote me
any letters.

Sure I did.
I wrote you hundreds.

I just never mailed them.

Charles, I hate to say this,

but it's time to stop
living in the past,

and start studying history.

Gwendolyn's only gonna be here
for a week.

History'll be around forever.

No, no, Charles,
Buddy's right.

I mean, your school work
comes first.

Gwendolyn! Darling!

You finally said those
three little words!

"Buddy is right!"

Look, Buddy,

I know we had our
disagreements in the past,

but that's behind us now.

I mean, that was
a long time ago.

It was last year.

Well, people can change
in a year.

Look, I'm not the
same person I was.

When Richard first met me,
he said that,

I was so cold and uptight
he wanted to put me in the
Hollywood Wax Museum.

[laughing]

Who's Richard?

Hello!
Oh, excuse me!

Oh, Mr. Powell,
this is Gwendolyn Pierce.

Oh, Gwendolyn!

Charles has told me
all about you.

Your father's in the
hardware business, and you
enjoy skydiving, right?

- Uh, no.
- No.

[clears throat]
Must, uh, be thinking
of another Charles.

Excuse me.

It was nice meeting you!

Well, listen, I have a
few phone calls to make
back at the hotel.

I'll just see you
later tonight, okay?

- Okay, bye.
- Okay, who's Richard?

- Charles!
- Mom, ooh!

This is Gwendolyn Pierce!

Oh, Gwendolyn!
Of course!

Oh, I'm so glad
to finally meet you.

Charles has told me
all about you!

Really?

I don't enjoy skydiving.

Then don't you do it!

Charles, sweetheart,

I was gonna ask you
to have dinner with me,

but I can see you're
gonna be busy.

Oh, no, no! If you guys wanna
talk now, I was just leaving.

Oh, well, I can't stay either.
Want a lift?

- Yeah.
- Good, we'll talk.

- Bye!
- Bye.

- Bye, Aunt Lillian.
- Who's Richard?

Oh, uh,

Richard is a guy I know
in California.

I'll see you tonight, Charles.
Bye, Buddy.

So long, Gwendolyn!

Oh, and it's so nice
having you back!

I-I mean that sincerely!

What is she doing back?
What's she after?

Buddy, isn't it obvious?

She never got over me!
She still loves me!

You say that as if
it were a good thing.

It is!

I never got over her, either.

Charles, you and Gwendolyn
almost destroyed each other.

What do you want, a rematch?

Yeah.

- Charles?
- Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart.

Did you have a good time
last night?

Yeah, it was great.

I had, uh, a nice chat
with, uh, Gwendolyn.

She's, uh, she's very sweet
and smart.

Yeah, she is.

She's sweet and smart and...

pretty and kind.

You in love with her?

I-I'm not sure.

Well, here's the test,
sweetheart.

If you care more about
another person's happiness

than you do about your own,

then you're in love.

Are you in love?

I think so.

Oh.

Well, uh,

if you'd like to go out with
Gwendolyn this afternoon, um,

I'd be glad to stay
with the children.

Thanks, Mom.
I appreciate it.

What can I say?

I care more about your
happiness than I do my own.

Have a nice guilt-free day.

[whistling]

- Charles?
- Yeah?

I have to ask you something.

Okey-doke!
Ask away!

If a girl called
and broke a date,

would you hate her
for the rest of your life?

Gwendolyn called!
She broke our date
for tonight?

She did?
That's a coincidence!

I was about to call Michael
and break my date with him
for Saturday night!

Oh.

Gwendolyn didn't call
and break our date.

Oh.

Then it's not a coincidence.

Sarah, why do you wanna
break your date with Michael?

I don't know.

I mean, what are Michael and I
gonna talk about?

Sarah, you and Michael
have a lot in common.

You're both teenagers.

Talk about other teenagers.

Talk about school.

Talk about... acne.

Maybe I'll just break my date.

Okay by me.

But, sooner or later, Sarah,

you're gonna have to have
your first date.

I got news for you.

Doesn't get any easier
than this.

It just isn't the way
I thought it would be.

See, in my mind, a boy and I
would look at each other,

and beautiful background music
would start playing.

Then, we'd run to each other
in slow motion,

and understand that we'd
always been together,

since the beginning of time.

Sarah, you gotta get
out of the house more often.

Okay, I'll go to the dance
with Michael.

Good.

[sigh]

Charles, how do you know
if you love someone?

Well, uh...

Here's the test.

When you care more about
another person's happiness,

than you do your own,

you're in love.

Ohh.

Well, I guess that
eliminates Michael.

[doorbell rings]

Doorbell.

I'll get it.

Hey, ya Walt!

Is Charles here?

He should be back
in a few minutes.

He just went out bowling
with Mildred Pierce.

Have a seat.

Thank you.
Gwendolyn.

Did you just call me
"Gwendolyn?"

No, sir. You said that Charles
was out with Mildred Pierce.

I said "Gwendolyn."

You call Mildred "Gwendolyn?"

No I call Gwendolyn
"Gwendolyn."

Well, then,
what do you call Mildred?

I don't know, sir.
I've never called Mildred
in my life!

Lembeck, I suggest you see
a good taxidermist
about your head.

There's something loose
in there.

Hey, Buddy!
What's doing?

Oh, Charles,
I came by to study.

Oh, no, I can't.

Gwendolyn's on her way over.

We're going to the movies
later, and then tonight,

we're going down to
Sid's Pizza Parlor.

Charles, you know,
I don't like what I'm hearing.

All of the sudden
you're happy.

That's the first step
toward unhappiness.

It is not, Buddy.

I-I got my future
with Gwendolyn all mapped out.

What future?
She goes back
to California in a week.

That's what she thinks, but,

when she's ready to leave,
she won't want to leave.

You know why?

'Cause I am gonna talk her
into staying here,

and finishing college with me.

Look, Buddy,

I lost Gwendolyn once, and I
am not gonna lose her again.

She's the girl I wanna spend
the rest of my life with.

[doorbell rings]

- And there she is!
- N-No, no, Charles,
don't answer it.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Come on in.
I'll be right with you.

- I was just leaving.
- Oh, wait.

Buddy, I-I wanna talk to you.

See, there's something
that I need to know.

Since I left town, has Charles
been dating anyone special?

Are you kidding?
You know Charles.

All girls are special until
they're not special anymore.

He's a lean, mean
dating machine!

Oh, good,
I'm glad to hear that.

Why?

Well, I just...

wanna know that he's happy,
that's all.

Because, um...

I have been dating
someone special.

Someone very special.

His name is Richard.

Well, then,
what are you doing here?

[sighs]

I'm not sure.

I guess I just needed
to find out if I was
really over Charles.

So you can dump Charles
and go back to Richard, right?

No!

Buddy, listen.

Richard asked me to marry him.

Charles never did.

Obviously, you've never
told Charles about this.

Not yet, but Buddy,
that's only because...

I didn't wanna spoil
our last day together.

What last day?
You're gonna be here
for a week.

Well, I was, but I can't stay.

I called Richard,

and I told him that
I'm flying home tonight,

before things get any more
complicated around here.

I'll just explain everything
to Charles later, that's all.

Gwendolyn, the last time
you walked out on Charles,

he was destroyed
for three months.

Now, what are you
gonna tell him?

That the only reason
you came back,

was to make sure
that he loves you,

and you don't love him?

Buddy, you don't understand!

No, I do understand.

The only reason
you came back here,

was to break
my best friend's heart.

Alright!
I'm ready!

You know,

I get the feeling this is
gonna be a good week for me.

♪♪

Charles,

I'm your best friend,
and well...

sometimes...

a friend's gotta do what only
your worst enemy would do.

If that mirror breaks,
you're gonna pay for it.

Charles, where's Gwendolyn?
Did she leave town?

No, she's back at the hotel
getting ready.

Why would she leave town?

Let me ask you a question.
What do you see in Gwendolyn?

Well, she's pretty,

intelligent, witty,

charming, loyal, brave,
and wonderful.

Oh...

Girls like that
are a dime a dozen!

Charles, do you wanna
talk to Sarah?

She's in bed.

At this hour?
What's she doing in bed?

I don't know.
I think it has something to do
with her date Saturday night.

See, Sarah confuses dating
with being in love.

Love is dumb.

I told Sarah she'd better read
"Romeo and Juliet" again.

Is that what you learned
from "Romeo and Juliet?"

Love is dumb?

Yeah, in "Romeo and Juliet,"
a boy and a girl meet.

They fall in love, they make
each other miserable,

and then they die.
Dumb.

I better go talk to Sarah.

- Hi. What time is dinner?
- As soon as Mom gets home.

Jamie, Adam, come here.

I need your help.

Buddy, if this is
about your homework again,

you're gonna have to do it
by yourself this time.

Jamie, I could use
the extra money!

It's not about my homework.

You kids like Charles, right?

Yeah.

Well, do you wanna see him
bounce off the walls,

turn inside out,
and go down the drain?

Yeah!
Can he do that?

Jamie,

we have to keep Charles
away from Gwendolyn.

Now, now, they're going down
to Sid's tonight.

We've gotta get the
whole family down there,

to keep them from talking
to each other.

Maybe your granddad
and Aunt Lillian would help.

Grandpa and Aunt Lillian
together?

You think they'll do it?

Well, uh...

Yeah!
Yeah, if we tell them,

that it's a surprise going
away party for Gwendolyn.

They'd go to that.

Okay, but why can't Charles
and Gwendolyn be alone?

Gwendolyn's gonna break
Charles' heart.

Why?

Because he loves her.

Why?

Because love is blind!

No, Stevie Wonder is blind.

Love is dumb!

Please, Grandpa,

a surprise party
for Gwendolyn.
It'll be neat!

Come on, Walter,
it sounds fun!

Uh, Aunt Lillian,

if Mr. Powell doesn't wanna
go to the party,

he doesn't have to.

Thank you, Lembeck.
Did you hear that, Lillian?

I just got permission to stay
home from my Commanding Idiot.

Well, we'll just have to have
the party without you, Walter.

Please, Grandpa!

We'll all go down to Sid's
and say goodbye to
Gwendolyn together.

You'll like it!

Do it for me.

I mean, I'm your
oldest granddaughter,

and I'll be grown up and
married before you know it.

Uh, Jamie,
you are the sweetest,

and possibly the most obvious
con artist in the world,

but it always works.
Okay, count me in.

Come on, let's get ready.

Just talked to Sarah, but it
didn't seem to do much good.

Jamie, when your mom
gets home,

can you explain
the situation to her?

Sure.

[sigh] Okay, well...

I'm going down to Sid's
with Gwendolyn.

What are you guys gonna do?

- Nothing.
- Stay home.

- I'll watch TV.
- Me, too.

Sounds good to me.

Okay, see you later.

Okay, I'll meet you at Sid's.

Oh, excuse me,
if anybody calls while...

♪♪

They're coming!

...These last couple of days
have been terrific.

I know.

I'll never forget them,
Charles.

And we got a whole week to go.
Maybe longer!

Surprise!

Surprise!

Yeah, it certainly is
a surprise.

I, uh,

thought you were all
gonna stay home
and watch television.

Are you kidding?

Did you think that we
would miss out on saying
goodbye to Gwendolyn?

- We may never see her again!
- What do you mean?

Well, when Buddy said
Gwendolyn was leaving tonight,

we had to give her
a going away party.

Tonight?

I didn't know you were
leaving tonight.

Gwendolyn, I-I have to
talk to you.

Will you excuse us, please?

You mean Charles didn't know
she was leaving?

No.

Why do you think
it was a surprise?

Kids, Charles and Gwendolyn
need pizza.

- How could you leave tonight?
- I was gonna tell you
everything la...

Charles!
Eat your pizza!

Yeah, 'cause afterwards,
we're all gonna drive
Gwendolyn to the airport.

Thank you, um...

Listen, I-I need to speak to
Gwendolyn alone for a minute.

- Will you excuse us?
- Sure.

Thank you. Keep excusing us.
We'll be back.

Gwendolyn, I don't understand.
I mean, how...

How could you leave tonight?

I-I had big plans for us.
You can't leave!

Charles, I have to.

Okay, you party poppers!
Let's go!

Buddy, you go, please!

- Well, how 'bout
just a little music?
- Fine.

Gwendolyn...

Do you love me?

Charles, that has nothing
to do with it.

Do you love me?

I've always loved you.

I probably always will, but...

[loud jukebox music ♪]

What?

Would somebody turn down
the music, please?

Charles, I can't hear you!

I said...

[music shuts off]
Will you marry me!

♪♪

Did you hear
what Charles just said?

Yes, sir, he said,

"Would someone turn down
the music, please?"

After that, Lembeck.

Did you hear what he said
to Mildred Pierce?

- Who's Mildred Pierce?
- Gwendolyn.

Gwendolyn's name is Mildred?

Mildred, Gwendolyn,
what difference does it make?

Did you hear what he said?

He said...
"Will you marry me?"

Maybe he just said,
"Will you bury me?"

Good, Adam, yeah, very good.
That makes a lot of sense.

"Will you bury me?"

My Doodlebug.

My baby.

- He's gonna get married.
- Or buried!

Same difference.

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪