02x25 - Her Brother's Keeper

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ ♪

I don't know...

has to be some practical
use for studying physics.

Hey, Charles.
- Buddy, where have you been?

We're supposed to be studying
for our physics final.

You should be thanking me.
While you were sitting here

in the comfort of your own
kitchen, I was busy getting

you a date for Saturday night
with Joyce Mills.

Buddy, look, as much as I
would love to go out with
Joyce Mills on Saturday night,

I can't. Now, I told you, I'm
not going out with anybody

until I get through with these
finals!

How could you get me a date?
- It was easy.

I told Joyce that I had a date
with Stephanie

and the four of us should go
double, then I told Stephanie

that you and a date with Joyce
and the four of us

should go double.
They bought it!

Well, I am not buying it,
Buddy. Come on! It's a matter

of priorities. Now I figured
this all out in my head.

I have to devote forty...

I have to devote forty percent
of my time to the Powell family,

fifty percent to my time to
study right? Which leave six

percent for sports, hobbies,
and concerts,

two percent for my mom and
only two percent for dating.

If you're going to bombard me
with math, then forget it.

But... but you can tell Joyce
and Stephanie

why we can't go out with them
on Friday night.

Wait! You, you just said
Saturday night!

Well, I know but you told me
that the Powells would be out

on Friday night so I made us a
little pre-date date.

Buddy, are you nuts?

We're not prepared
for this test!

We're talking about physics,

a word you just learned how
to spell!

Ok, ok! But, you can tell
Joyce and Stephanie

when they get here tonight.

Tonight?
- Well, yeah.

I, I made us a little
pre-pre-date date.

Some people named,
Stephanie and Joyce are here.

Wait, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Listen to me.

I asked my mother to come over
here so she could watch the
kids so we could study.

All of a sudden, I'm making
her baby-sit so we could fool
around with women.

Worked out well, didn't it?
- Oh, come on.

I can't do this, Buddy.
I... Hi!

Hi!
- Hi, Joyce, Stephanie.

Come on in. Sit down. Uh,
please excuse the mess.

Buddy and I are studying for
our physics final, an uh,

we have a lot of work to do,
ooh, boy!

Oh, maybe we should leave.

Are you sure you're not trying
to get rid of us

'cuz your
mother's in the house.

Oh, no Joyce. Don't be
ridiculous.

My mom knows
the rules.

I tell you, I could have the
entire women's volleyball team

over here, and she wouldn't
walk in on us.

Charles, Charles, sweetheart,
honey, stand up straight.

You're slouching.

Uh, Mom, what are you doing?

I'm helping the children
get a tape together

to send to their father.

He's overseas, in the Navy.

The tape will show him a
typical week with the family.

Yeah, and it's got to look
completely unrehearsed,

Charles, so just ignore
the camera and be yourself.

Oh, gosh, Jamie,
what a grand idea!

Aunt Lillian, Grampa's asleep
and he's snoring.

Bring the camera.

Excuse us, we'll catch you
later when you least expect it.

Look, I... I'm sorry that was
rude. It's just that Buddy

and I can't afford to uh, fail
this physics final.

You guys should meet my
brother Duane,

"The Wizard of Copeland
College."

He loves to teach people about
physics.

I didn't know you had a
brother that went to Copeland.

Nobody knows. I've never even
seen him.

It's true. He should be
enjoying college

but all he
does is study.

The poor kid never has
any fun.

It sounds like he'd be a good
tutor.

If I could afford a tutor,
which I can't.

Now wait a minute, Charles,
maybe we could make a trade.

We could tutor Duane
in having fun,

and he could tutor us in
physics.

What, you think he's gonna go
along with that, Buddy?

I mean what are we gonna say
to the guy? "Hey, Duane,

because you're such a dull
guy, we're gonna give you fun
lessons?"

No! No! He, he wouldn't have
to know you were helping him.

Look, all I have to say is
"Two friends of mine

need some help in physics."
He'd love it!

Charles, it's a great idea.
Look, just bring him on over.

Some of our natural charm's
bound to rub off.

It's a great idea. Charles, if
you can pull my brother out

of his shell, I'd be your
sl*ve for life.

Sounds fair.

Ok, so let's move on to
Newton's third law, Charles.

Uh, for every action
there's a reaction.

Right, like right after
Mary Louise Pennington

kisses you, you immediately
start talking

like Jerry Lewis.
"Ah-ha-ha".

I don't under...
I don't understand.

He's joking, Duane!
Ha ha ha!

Oh! I disappointed you,
didn't I?

No! No, not at all.
As a matter of fact,

you've helped us a lot
these past two days,

and the thing is,
we wanna repay you.

Now, Buddy, how can you and I
repay Duane?

I don't know.
How can we?

Well, uh, maybe we could,
um... I know,

we could introduce you
to fun!

Duane, have you been to any
parties here

at Copeland College yet?
- Uh, yeah.

The Ecology Club had a party
a couple of weeks ago.

They showed some slides
of endangered species.

Isn't that a little
depressing, Duane?

Well, yeah, but it was a good
kind of depressing.

I mean, it completely took our
minds off the hole

in the Ozone Layer.

You're talking about
depressing fun.

We're talking about enjoyable
fun.

Well, don't you think studying
physics is fun?

No, Duane. If physics was fun,
Albert Einstein would be

listed in the Encyclopedia
under Party Animal.

Look, I really like you guys
and I want you to like me.

I... I just don't understand
what I'm doing wrong.

Well, you're not doing
anything wrong, Duane.

It's just that a guy like you
who works hard all day long

needs to go out and kick back
and get crazy once in a while.

Do you date very often?

Well, no. Not too often.

How often?

Never.

Well, Duane, we are just the
guys to help you.

Let's take a break. I'm gonna
get something to drink.

What did he mean
by "kick back"?

Oh, relax, get crazy, don't
take yourself so serious.

You know, laugh at yourself,

and Charles and I are just the
guys to teach it to you.

We're experts.
Don't go away.

Ah, Duane! How's the tutoring
coming along?

Oh, fine, Mr. Powell.
Uh...

The guys don't think I have
enough fun.

Well, don't you listen to
them, Duane.

You're a bright young man.

Don't go the way of these
college buffoons,

who think having a good time
is staging panty raids.

Um, what are panty raids?
[Mr. Powell]: Ohh!

Just ignore me, Walter.
The children are due home

from school. I wanna tape them
when they come in the door.

The last time I heard,

panty raids were the in thing,
Duane.

It's when college boys break
in to the girl's dorm

and steal their underwear.

[Buddy]: Duane, would you come
in here for a minute?

Yeah.

Adam, you little gork.

If you ever pull my hair
again...

I'm gonna bake you and your
friends some cookies.

Thank you. And, Dad,
I've been doing very well

in school today.

Yes, Dad, and with my help,
he'll continue to do well.

Speaking of school, I think
I'll go to my room and study,

as I do every afternoon.
Let's go, kids.

Who were those kids?

Movie stars. They're all
crazy.

Come on out, Duane!

Charles, I'm working on
Duane's self image.

He really takes himself pretty
seriously, but I think I made

a dent in his armor.
- Oh, good.

Come on, Duane.

Yeah. Yeah, it's very hard
to take me seriously this way.

Yeah, Buddy, that's not fun.

It is too fun!
- It is not fun.

It is fun!
- What are you doing?

A play for drama class?

Oh, yeah, Mom. We're doing
Pinnochio. You see, uh,

I'm playing Geppetto and
Buddy's playing

the village idiot.

It looks like fun.

You see, Charles?
It is fun!

[doorbell ringing]

Hello.
- Hi.

How ya doin'?
Come on in.

Have a seat.
Make yourselves comfortable.

Oh, Buddy, good timing.
What tapes you get?

Well, I got two classics...
Body Heat,

and The Best of Gumby.
- Good choices.

You're in a good mood.
[Charles]: Yeah.

Did you stop worrying about
your physics final?

I laugh at the physics final.

I tell you, Duane has us so
well prepped

it doesn't even present the
challenge anymore.

And will your mother be
filming the party tonight?

No. My mom took the kids out
for the evening.

Mrs. Powell's working this
evening and Mr. Powell

is at his club,
[doorbell ringing]

so tonight... excuse me...

it's just gonna be
the four of us.

Make that the five of us.
Duane! What a pleasant surprise.

Hi, uh, Joyce said you were
having a party tonight

so I just wondered if I could
observe and learn.

Of course you can!
Come in!

Oh,
first meet Stephanie Harris.

Stephanie, this is my
brother.

Hi Duane.
- Hi.

Well, look, Buddy and I
will get some refreshments.

You want to, uh,
entertain the ladies for us?

How?
- Just talk to them.

About what?
- Think of something.

Buddy, wanna help me get the
hors d'oeuvres out
of the kitchen?

What?
- The hors d'oeuvres.

The food in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah, right.

Charles,
what are you talking about?
Hors d'oeuvres?

Why didn't you just say "let's
get the little weenies out"?

What... what is he doing here?
- Learning to have fun.

It was your dumb idea,
remember?

It was your dumb idea.

Yeah, well you're the one that
went along with my dumb idea.

You have the IQ of cloth.

Alright, look. I like this guy
Duane. I feel bad for him,

and I really want to make him
have some fun,

so you know what? Let's send
him to a good party.

I'm gonna call
the party monster.

Oh, no. Elliot Kenmore?
- Yeah.

Maybe he's got something
going on tonight.

Hey, Elliot, this is Charles.
Hey, listen.

We have a guy here who is in
dire need to go

to a good party.

Alright, where is it?

Oh, no, no. Elliot, we can't
send this guy there.

He's just a beginner.

Is that it?

Yeah, alright. No, okay.
I'll talk to you later.

Alright, bye.
[Buddy]: What?

He says the only party
going on tonight

is at the Kappa House.
- Oooh.

Yeah, we can't send Duane
there. He's just a kid.

Charles, we better leave.
- No!

No, no, look. I'm sorry we
took so long but, uh...

Buddy and I were gonna make
some popcorn.

I couldn't eat any popcorn.

Duane says there's a hole in
the Ozone Layer.

Stephanie, do you think that
the hole will heal

if you don't eat popcorn?

It's more than that.

It's the threat
of a nuclear winter.

It's the energy crisis.
It's toxic waste.

Is there anything I can do
to help?

Yes, Duane. You forget about
the world coming to an end

until after the party.

Stephanie's really upset.
I'd better take her home.

See you tomorrow night, okay?
[Charles]: Okay.

I was just trying to make
conversation.

I've disappointed you again,
haven't I?

No, no, no, Duane. You're just
being yourself, that's all.

No, I feel badly.
You know, I...

I really wanted to see a party
tonight.

So did I.

Well, what about those... those
fraternity parties I've heard

so much about? I mean,
couldn't I go to one of those?

No, no. The only one going on
tonight is at the Kappa House

and I don't think you wanna go
there.

Why not?
- Well, they get wild

and crazy over there.
- Well...

You know me. I'm pretty wild
and crazy myself.

I'll see ya.

You don't think he's going to
the Kappa House?

Nah.

[doorbell ringing]

Hi...
- Duane's missing.

What?

He didn't come back to his
dorm last night.

Joyce! Stephanie! Did you come
by to watch us study?

No. Duane is missing.
He's been gone all night.

Joyce, I have the feeling
Duane went to a party
last night.

Where?

The Kappa House.

The Kappa House?

How could you send him to a
sleazy place like
the Kappa House?

Well, we didn't send him.
We just told him about it.

Yeah, and I'm sure he didn't
stay at the party all night,
Joyce.

I mean,
it's physically impossible.

Well, then why didn't he go
back to the dorm
after the party?

Maybe he met a girl.

And spent the night with her?

Is that your idea of fun?

Answer the question, Charles.

Is spending a night with
a girl your idea of fun?

[phone ringing]
Excuse me.

Powell residence.

Hey, we were just talking
about you. Where are you?

What?

Yeah... No, I'm comin' right
down to get you.

Uh, that was Duane.
- There, you see?

He's probably having the best
time of his life, right?

Wrong.

He's in jail.

Buddy, listen to me.
Just yesterday my brother

was an innocent physics major
with a straight "A" record.

Today, he's a jailbird,
with a prison record.

Well, maybe it will count
for extra credit. [laughs]

I was kidding!

Look, you think Duane's got
problems. What about Charles?

He really feels bad
about all this.

Yeah, well he should.
He got my brother arrested,

and you helped him.
- It's the least I could do.

Hello.

Duane, are you alright?
- Yeah, I'm fine, fine.

Sit down.
Tell me what happened.

Yeah, we were really worried.

Well, I just went over to this
party at the Kappa House

but everybody there was
unconscious

so I just went on
a panty raid.

A what?

He, uh... [clears throat]
He broke in the, uh,

sorority house and took some
girls underwear.

While she was wearing it?

No, he broke into the sorority
laundry room

and stole it from
there.

You broke into a sorority
house? How could you do that?

It was easy.

I just built this small,
electromagnetic device

which changed the molecular
structure of the metal

in the door hinges, causing
them to expand to twice their

normal size, then the pins
just dropped off,

and the door fell off.

Why did you do that?

Because it was there.

You know, Charles and Buddy
have been telling me

that I take myself way
too seriously.

Yeah, but Duane, we didn't
tell you to blow the doors

off a sorority house.

Don't play innocent, Charles.

I asked you to show my brother
how to have fun.

All you showed him was
the inside of a jail cell.

I never want to see you again.

Well, looks like it's just
the two of us.

No, Buddy, looks like it's
just the two of you.

You and Charles
deserve each other.

Come on, Duane.

I'll take you back
to your dorm.

I've disappointed you again,
haven't I?

[both]: Yes!

Hello, Buddy. Hello, Son.
- Mom!

What are you doing here?

I own this place, remember?

Want me to have myself
thrown out?

Charles, you're depressed.

No, what makes you think that?

Mothers always know.

I have a sense
about these things.

I can feel it in my bones.

Besides, Sarah told me
you were depressed.

It's just not fair. I mean,
I'm in trouble, all because

I wanted to help Joyce's
brother, Duane, have some fun.

Who told you he wasn't having
fun before he met you?

His sister.
- Charles...

One man's floor is another
man's ceiling.

What?
- Never judge a man's bunions

'til you've walked a mile
in his moccasins.

Mom, are you trying
to tell me something...

One man's meat is another
man's cardboard.

A word from the wise.

Think about it.

Goodbye, sweetheart.
Goodbye, Buddy.

I have no idea what she means.
- Well, me either.

I think she's been reading
defective bumper stickers.

Look, Charles, you can sit
here and sulk if you want to,

but I'm gonna call Stephanie.
I think the girl's crazy

about me, and by now
she probably realizes it.

Hi, Buddy.

Stephanie, I was just about to
call you.

I just wanted you to know that
something good

did come out of all this.

Aw, thanks. I think so too.

I have a date with Duane
tonight.

You have a date with Duane?
- Mm-hm.

We found that we have a lot
in common.

We both worry about things,

and we enjoy that.

Bye, Buddy.
- Goodbye.

[whistling]

You see, we didn't flunk
Duane.

He's having a better time
than anybody, especially me.

[Sarah on video]:
Yes, Dad, and with my help...

Charles, I have a question.
- Yeah.

Do all college men
go on panty raids?

Oh, no, Sarah.
None of them do.

I don't know where Duane
got that idea from.

I think you're all being
hyper-critical.

But Grampa, we saw it.

Yeah, it's awful!

What... what's going on?

Charles, we can't send that
tape to Dad.

I mean, the stuff you're in
is great,

but the rest of us stink.

Yeah, we all look stiff,
and unreal, and dumb.

Not me.
I was myself the whole time.

Sarah, show Charles that last
bit. Go on.

Turn up the sound.

[Mr. Powell on video]:
The last time I heard,

panty raids were the in thing,
Duane. It's when college boys

break into girls dorms
and steal their underwear.

Hold it, Sarah.
Well?

What?

What?
What?

You're right, Mr Powell, you
were definitely yourself.

You look like you and, uh,
you said only what you

would have said to Duane.
- Well, I rest my case.

Thanks, Charles.

Okay, well maybe Grampa
was alright,

but the rest of us weren't.

We all looked totally unreal.

Yeah, every time someone
pointed a camera at us,

we start acting phony.

We weren't ourselves.

See, if you're not yourselves,
you're not anybody.

You know what you guys
should do?

You should go up to your
rooms, and tape a message

to your dad in private.
Just tell him exactly how you

feel about him, and you know
what? I think he'd like that.

That's a very good idea,
Charles.

Yeah, come on, let's go do it.

[doorbell ringing]
I got that.

Joyce!
- Hi. Is Duane here?

I can't find him anywhere.

No, he's not.
Come on in for a second.
Have a seat.

I want to, uh...
I want to tell you something.

Um... I think...

I think you should
leave Duane alone.

What?

Well, you see, Joyce, when I
met Duane he was a nice guy

and he seemed very happy.

How can he be happy?
He never has any fun.

One man's floor is another
man's ceiling.

Sounds like you've learned
more from him than he's
learned from you.

Well, not necessarily.

You may not know this,
but Duane is on a date right now

with Stephanie,

and that's one big step to
putting a little balance

in his life,
and that's all he needed.

It's just a matter
of priorities.

[doorbell ringing]

Hey, Charles! Oh, sorry.
- No, it's okay, Buddy.

I was just leaving.

Oh, if you see Duane, tell him
what you told me.

I'll call you later, okay?
- Okay.

Bye.
- Bye.

What was that all about?

Priorities.

Well, back to plan "A", Buddy.
No more dating until I get

through with these finals.
- Yeah, same here.

I guess it's time to hit the
old physics book.

What? No, Buddy, we passed
the physics final.

Why do you wanna study
more physics?

Because, Charles,
it's fascinating.
You know,

I learned a lot from Duane,
and, well, I think I wanna

follow in his footsteps.

You wanna become
a physics major?

No, I wanna learn how to blow
the door off a sorority house.

What do you think, Scott?

Not too bad a show tonight,
huh?

No, it was alright.

Those two girls are kinda
pretty, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, they were alright.
What are you gonna do tonight?

Eh, I think the Lakers
are on TV.

I'm gonna go home
and watch 'em.

Why don't you just watch 'em
in your dressing room?

Well, I don't have a TV in my
dressing room.

What, are you kidding?
Come on!

Every star of every show has
a TV in his dressing room.

Oh, come on, Willie. I'm not
the star of the show.

This is a team effort.
- Oh, look, look, Scott.

You play the title role, that
makes you the star, right?

Well, I'm not the star
of the show, Willie.

Well, I know that I'm not the
star of the show. I only get,

you know, nine or ten thousand
letters a week.

You get nine or ten thousand
letters a week?

I don't get nine or ten
thousand letters a week.

Al, you're the producer.
I want a TV

in my dressing room.
- Hey, hey, no, no.

I'm the star of the show.
Back off, man!

You just said...

Have you ever dated...
[laughs]

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪